Kevin Triggers Me and the STBX Dissapears for Days

Two weekends ago STBX was out of town. I didn’t pay much attention to where or why he was gone overnight. I really didn’t even think about it.

This last weekend again, he said he needed to go out of town. This time he mentioned visiting his old college roommate. He requested that I get our daughter back early so he could leave sooner. I was gracious and picked her up an hour and half before I am normally scheduled to.

Sunday I texted him that I would be picking up our daughter from school on Monday (which usually is his night) to take her to get a haircut but then I would meet him at 5 pm to pass her to him. I asked him where he would like to meet. He lives a bit out of town and I thought it would be easier for both of us to just meet in town.

He never responded to the Sunday text and quite frankly I didn’t really notice or expect him to.

Monday I came into work and at some point remembered that we still needed to make arrangements so I sent an email to him at work. “Where do you want to meet @5?” This time I fully expected an answer since it was a weekday and he should be sitting at his desk; hours later I still had not heard from him so I texted him “you alive?” This usually gets him to respond but I got nothing.

Later I phoned his office and it was forwarded to his cell phone. He does this so his boss doesn’t know he is not in the office. I thought he may be home or he could still be out of town in which case he probably wasn’t at his old roommate’s house who has a wife and kid, but was instead visiting his old GF, you remember her, the one he was seeing when I was pregnant. It would explain why he was ignoring me. And I really don’t care if he is.

Around 3:30 I called again thinking by now he should be driving back to town if he was going to meet me at 5; still no answer. At this point I start to get worried; what if on Sunday afternoon he fell off the roof while cleaning out the gutters or chopped of his leg while chain sawing drunk? He has been known to get stupid drunk.

I called Kevin and left him a VM stating that if I still hadn’t heard from the STBXH by five p.m. I would drive out to his house to see if there was a body or any clues as to what the hell is going on.

While the kid was getting her hair cut I phoned husband and he finally answered. I was momentarily relieved he was not dead. (Mostly cause I didn’t feel like driving out to his house.) He said he just got back in town (he sounded kind of messed up)……..he said he didn’t have his phone or something that didn’t make much sense. I didn’t bother to analyze his story I just said where do you want to meet at 5? He said his office. I said I had stuff to put in his car and he needed to sign our taxes so that might not work (he parks in a garage blocks from his actual office.) He suggested he come to us at the hair salon. I said OK, I would text when we were about done.

By 4:30 we were done and STBXH’s office is only a couple of miles from the salon. I texted him and he acted confused about where to go; like asking me odd questions. I texted back more specific instructions. “Turn left at the Hardees and then right onto Burlington”
25 minutes later he STILL had not arrived so I phoned him…..he was lost…..up by my office…..didn’t know where he was supposed to go. WTH? This town is not that big and he has lived here for over 20 years. I was tired of waiting on him and running out of patience.

He finally showed up and I gave him the girl, her Easter clothes, her backpack for school, he signed the taxes. He seemed groggy or distracted. I wondered if he was on drugs. I left feeling extremely aggravated by the whole thing. Why the hell can’t people act like responsible grown-ups?!

No sooner than I got back in my car and down the street Kevin called. I told him I had passed the girl to the STBX but I was really aggravated by the whole deal. Kevin then starts to give me a lot of crap about how I am too fixated on what STBX is doing and will I ever let it go, etc. etc. I was already in a shitty mood and this just shot me over the edge. I told him that I thought the man might be dead and I really didn’t care where he was if he was alive. Kevin kept “pushing” his angle and I felt like my head was about to pop off. I told him we would have to discuss it later and hung up.

I seriously felt cornered like he was attacking me. He wasn’t yelling he was just talking over me and being insistent about his idea. Like he was right and I was wrong. I hate when people tell me why I am doing something….are they fucking mind readers. I wanted to calm down and get my head on straight before I continued my talk with Kevin about his perception of my *fixation* with the STBX.

And honestly, the fact that he triggered me was very upsetting to me. Instinct kicked in and I wanted to run and hide. I felt that I was suddenly his (verbal) punching bag and that my feeling didn’t matter to him. I felt like he was accusing me of caring too much for the STBX and I really do NOT care other than I want him to be a responsible co-parent for the next 12 years.

I drove home feeling a bit numb and knowing that Kevin would now be pissed that I hung up abruptly. Yet at the same time I knew I had done the right thing because when I get triggered I can lash out in fear without thinking and say things I really regret.

Back home I tried to call him and got no answer so I texted him that I was sorry to hang up abruptly but I NEEDED to end the conversation. He never responded.

I puttered around the house for a while and tried to relax. I know Kevin is not one to shut me out so I assumed he was busy. I did not head down the rabbit hole. I did actively try to feel mentally detached from it all though. I just blocked it all out of my mind and focused on some reading and light house work. Kevin finally called to ask if I was coming over and acted like nothing had happened. I said I would be over as planned but then took my time getting ready. I was still unsure of what exactly I would say, what my complaint was, what EXACTLY set me off, how to handle it all. I just knew it was all not sitting well.

As soon as I walked in his house he gave me a big hug and said “let’s be clear on this you will never hang up on me again OK?” I reluctantly agreed and thought to myself “I will hang up if I want to asshole”

Then I sat there next to him on the couch in silence as my mind teamed with thoughts of how selfish everyone is and how I feel like I just have to put up with it. Why doesn’t he care that I was upset? Why doesn’t he want to discuss the issue? Why does he just order me around? Am I just starting down the path to where he will lose respect for me and I will become his doormat? Why can’t I say the right thing at the right time? I hate being broken.

The night drug on and the conversation was not terribly productive. He could see no reason why I would be upset with him. He felt he was sharing his opinion and I should be open to it. He told me I was always trying to figure out what STBX is doing and why; and at this point it was none of my business. That there should not have been any issue until he didn’t show up at 5 and that I should have waited until then to even bother to contact him.

I asked Kevin why he was so upset about it….was he jealous or something. He told me that he just didn’t understand why I was involved. If he didn’t show up for work it was not my problem, etc.

I was struggling with what to say. I told Kevin that I felt he was not listening to me. I explained to him that if the man was dead it would surely be my problem to deal with. I explained that husband has never just vanished for a few days like that. I told Kevin that he was being too pushy and demanding on the phone. He again did not see it my way. At one point I got sassy and said “yes you are right I will forever be wondering how he is and where he is, it will be lives passion to follow him around. Does that make you feel better?”

He snapped at me that he will just keep his mouth shut from now on since I don’t like to hear his opinions.

At one point I was so frustrated I told him that we were not enjoying each other’s company so maybe I should just go home. I was relieved when he did NOT think that was a good idea.

He agreed to disagree.

Finally I explained that I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want him to force me to shut up and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. That I was taught to “stuff it down” my whole life and I am trying very hard to have a voice from now on. He listened to me go on for a while but he never really commented….but he listened. Maybe some of this stuff is just too far *out there* for him to really understand where I am coming from. He was raised by supportive, decent people and he is a very confident and secure man. He is very good at knowing what he wants and needs and asking for it.

Soon after that he took my hand and said “let’s go to bed”. In bed he cuddled me up close, told me how much he loves me and we fell asleep. I really don’t think he is a selfish bastard. I do think it is hard for me to understand and calmly explain why I get set off at times.

At the end of the day I know he loves me and he is willing to work on *US* and he is willing to sit for 2 hours on the couch and go round and round about something like this until we both feel some sense of closure. It wasn’t fun…..but it is what people in love need to do to stay close and feel accepted.

_________________
update:   Today after a few emails with the STBX (I asked why he was so out of it because I do believe if he is getting our daughter I have the right to expect him to be coherent) and he told me that he was mugged and that is why he unexpectedly missed work, did not have his phone and did not get any sleep.  I didn't ask for details....it all sounds too fishy to care.

PS - I guess I won't share that with Kevin.  :(

Bad Days and Good Days

Saturday KP had a bad day. This is hard for him too. He hates for me to be upset….he hates to feel like an outsider or a secret. He wants to do more to help. We both can’t wait until the day things are just “normal”. His bad day translated into a stressful evening together. But happily it ended in good communication and everyone being back to normal.

Sunday I was having a good day when I happen to check my Facebook and realize Uwe wasn’t showing up in my PM list. I then searched for him and he is GONE!!! ( Now just a few weeks ago he was bragging how he has NEVER unfriended or blocked anyone.) Well he unfriended and blocked me!!  As far as I knew we were still trying to be civil and get along since we see each other so often and have all the same friends.

I was totally triggered and immediately called him to “discuss” what the hell was up. Long story short, we had a long argument that did NO GOOD (as usual) and I was left feeling stunned, hurt, rejected, triggered, and worthless, etc. I know this is no surprise....it has happened many times before.

Down the rabbit hole I went!

I went to the store and got a bottle of wine (don't judge, I'm not rational or smart when triggered) and headed to KP house to sit and be sulky. He got home later to find me drunk and depressive. He was kind and cuddly and let me fall asleep in his lap; a worn out ball of furry over a situation that really has nothing to do with Uwe and everything to do with low self-esteem and the feeling that I am not of value ….that I am unlovable. (Thanks a lot Mom and Dad!)

Monday morning we awoke and he told me 100 times that he loves me but then finally called me as I was driving home to very gently scold me for being so negative and hard on myself. I was still very depressed but it sure was nice to have his kind support.

Monday I muddled through my day not feeling any better. Still wanting it all to make sense, still trying to shake the feeling I had been punched in the head. Still wondering why EVERYONE in my life abandons me.

I read ChumpLady and “trust that they suck” really resonated with me. I try too hard to understand why people do what they do. I want it all to make sense but it just doesn’t.

Monday night Beanie and I worked on cleaning up a very old, very dirty, very cheap futon couch that KP gave me for free because he was sick of storing it in his tiny basement.  He had gotten it for free many years ago and never used it except to stack junk on.  I am just happy to now have a place to sit in my new makeshift apartment in the basement. Beanie and I had fun using the vacuum cleaner attachments to clean it up and then we put a brand new clean fuzzy cover over it. It turned out nice and she settled in to watch a Little House on The Prairie DVD while I cleaned up some more stuff down stairs.

Monday night I went to bed still hurt and then I awoke at about 3 am ruminating over the whole incident. Around 4 am I finally fell back asleep and had another vivid dream. In this dream I was in a large dormitory or hospital and I was trying to find KPs room. I thought I knew where it was but was disappointed when I entered the room only to find two complete strangers there. Then I saw a friend in the hallway and asked her “I can’t find his room?” She happily led me down the corridor feeling sure she was taking me where I wanted to go. This time I popped into the room to see Uwe sitting there in the second bed. We gave each other awkward looks and I left quickly without a word. Finally it occurred to me that KP was going to leave to go somewhere so if I went out front I might just run into him. As luck would have it, just as I found his motorcycle he was arriving to get on it to depart. We made eye contact and he was so happy to see me he grabbed me, hugged me and picked me up …….and I was weightless! I was so happy and light…….we just embraced each other for the longest time and then….. I WOKE UP!

And I was happy!! I wasn’t sad anymore. Tuesday was a GREAT day.

Last night after work I went over to KPs house and we ate left over soup and cleaned his kitchen for a while. We threw out some old, out of date canned goods from his pantry, we Windexed the oven door and the fridge. We even wiped the old wood cabinets down with wood oil. They looked like new! He was so happy…..said it was like a new kitchen.  He admits that since his kids moved out he just gets by and doesn't do all that he used to.  He tells me how happy he is to have me around because everything is better when we are together.

We talked for at least 6 hours on Tuesday! (who the hell does that?) And when I left for home, we both agreed that we love each other more every single day.

The furry cover was 50% off. 
It is so fun and soft!  Husband would hate it!

Monday Thoughts

Mostly life is sad and depressing and I don't want to do it anymore.

(found this in my unpublished.  I wrote it on Monday.  See....down the rabbit hole!)