Last Thursday afternoon I spoke to JDK and he said he would go to the gym from work and be home after that. Which means he should show up at about 6:30.
He didn't arrive home until closer to 8. He was definitely in a bad mood, wouldn't make eye contact, didn't want to talk or be near us. I asked where he was and he told me his boss showed up at 4:30 pm and made him work late and then he went by his house on the way home. He did carry some items in with him. Not sure what though because I was trying to mind my own business and not let him irritate me. He said he brought clothes with him but I haven't seen any.
I pointed out that he should have let me know what was going on because I was worried. He didn't really respond.
He ate a few things in the kitchen and then went to bed 30 minutes after he arrived.....fully dressed, and slept on top of the covers.
Yesterday I got up early to go run so I really didn't talk to him at all in the morning. I later texted him that he should explain what is going on...that I have a right to know.
His response was "I don't know what's wrong. I feel a little isolated from "my life" (e.g. house) and work is not going so well and Beanie is on my nerves. I just need to blow off some steam...a good run and some guy time and I'll be fine." "Sorry I didn't respond sooner my boss was in my office."
I texted back we could stay at his house more..in fact we should just move up there and start getting my house ready to sell.
He said "Its fine. Really. We'll figure it out. No worries"
Actually this response made me angry. You see, it basically says nothing. It is the "pat her on the head and make her go away" thing to say.
I had been keeping a level head up until then but then I just got really pissed. I didn't blog about it though because I wanted to wait and think it through a little more.
Last night he was a little better. He watched TV with us. He didn't want to talk though. He went to bed early and was still grumpy, just not AS grumpy. He slept way over on the far side of the bed away from me.
SO HERE IS WHAT I WANT TO SAY:
1) yes I worry it is something to do with Roslyn. Trust is still a huge issue for me.
2) assuming he is not lying..... just because your boss messes up your gym schedule does NOT give you the right to be crappy to your family.....for days.
3) I get that sometimes people have a bad day and may not feel happy or be in a GOOD mood. I am willing to support my husband when he has a shitty day. But, it is just rude to treat people like he does. RUDE
4) When he hounds me for sex it wears me out. When he has no interest in looking at me much less touching me it freaks me out. WTH?
5) I wonder why he is stalling the whole move in together thing? Why not just pick a house and start working towards making that OUR home. He drags stuff to my house all the time and I am 95% certain we will be keeping his house not mine.
Basically it makes me wonder what is going on....where do I stand. If he is having doubts I want to know but then again maybe his doubts will pass and everything will be fine so why get me upset for nothing. Maybe he is being 100% honest and he just can't help be a jerk when his boss sucks. I don't understand acting angry with me if he isn't angry with me but I guess it could happen.
I hate feeling confused, bewildered or misled!
This morning his mood is a lot closer to normal but still, I do not understand why he has to do this stuff. I pointed out to him that I didn't start the bad mood cycle, he did. To which he wanted to argue about why I said that. I reminded him that he has implied before that my bad moods are not because of him and he thinks I am just a negative nelly. Well I was perfectly happy until he started being a jerk and I had to point that out.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Monday, December 12, 2016
Happy Post
Seems like the only time I carve out time to blog is when I am all worked up and mad. I'm sure my blog just seems like all I do is bitch and complain. But really, in between posts, things are usually pretty good and I just do my daily work and go happily along. I just don't get around to blogging. I think the venting when I am mad is kind of therapeutic and when I feel good I don't feel as motivated to find the time.
Also, usually if I am mad I am really just hurt. I really need to focus on expressing how and why I am hurt rather than lashing out in anger.
But today I want to update the blog with how good things have been. Last Monday was not a good day....as I so profusely blogged. Tuesday was a bit better but by Wednesday everything was back to normal. JDK was in a good mood and things have been fine ever since.
So, out of the last 19 days we have had 17 that were just fine...or even really good. See, it's not so bad.
List time!
All the things that are better than before:
1) He plans his activities outside of work, every single day, around us or with us. We actively communicate on what we are up to each and every day. No more mister sneaking around and avoiding me.
2) He wants to do more family activities. He is going to do some Karate lessons with the Bean in January. He has agreed to go skiing in February. He says it is more fun to do this or that if we all do it together. He spends WAY more time with us than he used to.
3) He tells me he loves me from time to time....out of the blue. Like he is just thinking it so he says so.
4) He is way more physically affectionate outside of sex. He has been cuddly at night, cuddly in the morning. He rubs my back and legs all the time. The cuddling while we sleep is particularly good for me as I feel physically close to him without feeling pressured for sex.
5) Most of the time he is better about spending money on his family. He just offered to buy Beanie a new dress for Christmas. He has agreed to pay for half the ski trip even though I know he really dreads the expense. (He is such a super tightwad; always acting like he is broke when I know good and well how much he makes and how much he spends. He's just fine financially.)
6) Most of all he just seems to be happier all the time. Like he is just living a normal life and not walking around with a chip on his shoulder all the time. He used to always be at least somewhat angry. Lately he is only grumpy every so often.
Last Thursday night we went to bed and I was exhausted. I had gotten up at 4:30ish in the morning to go run and worked a very busy day. When we went to bed I was dreading that he would harass me for sex. But to my surprise, he cuddled me up close and said goodnight. I know darn good and well he was just being nice to me and putting my feelings before his. It was fantastic.
Last night I was feeling a bit grumpy about a few things that happened over the weekend. I told him I was feeling a bit down and he genuinely asked me what was wrong. It felt like he really cared about how I was feeling.
I know these are all normal things that all people in normal healthy relationships already have but for most of our marriage these basics were missing...hence the divorce.
But now things mostly seem normal and like we are really having a relationship. It is such a relief to feel things are going well.
Still....I sometimes get down about the fact that we had to go through so much to get here. It is such a shame we couldn't get here while we were still married....before Kevin and Roslyn and all.
(no time to proof read sorry)
Also, usually if I am mad I am really just hurt. I really need to focus on expressing how and why I am hurt rather than lashing out in anger.
But today I want to update the blog with how good things have been. Last Monday was not a good day....as I so profusely blogged. Tuesday was a bit better but by Wednesday everything was back to normal. JDK was in a good mood and things have been fine ever since.
So, out of the last 19 days we have had 17 that were just fine...or even really good. See, it's not so bad.
List time!
All the things that are better than before:
1) He plans his activities outside of work, every single day, around us or with us. We actively communicate on what we are up to each and every day. No more mister sneaking around and avoiding me.
2) He wants to do more family activities. He is going to do some Karate lessons with the Bean in January. He has agreed to go skiing in February. He says it is more fun to do this or that if we all do it together. He spends WAY more time with us than he used to.
3) He tells me he loves me from time to time....out of the blue. Like he is just thinking it so he says so.
4) He is way more physically affectionate outside of sex. He has been cuddly at night, cuddly in the morning. He rubs my back and legs all the time. The cuddling while we sleep is particularly good for me as I feel physically close to him without feeling pressured for sex.
5) Most of the time he is better about spending money on his family. He just offered to buy Beanie a new dress for Christmas. He has agreed to pay for half the ski trip even though I know he really dreads the expense. (He is such a super tightwad; always acting like he is broke when I know good and well how much he makes and how much he spends. He's just fine financially.)
6) Most of all he just seems to be happier all the time. Like he is just living a normal life and not walking around with a chip on his shoulder all the time. He used to always be at least somewhat angry. Lately he is only grumpy every so often.
Last Thursday night we went to bed and I was exhausted. I had gotten up at 4:30ish in the morning to go run and worked a very busy day. When we went to bed I was dreading that he would harass me for sex. But to my surprise, he cuddled me up close and said goodnight. I know darn good and well he was just being nice to me and putting my feelings before his. It was fantastic.
Last night I was feeling a bit grumpy about a few things that happened over the weekend. I told him I was feeling a bit down and he genuinely asked me what was wrong. It felt like he really cared about how I was feeling.
I know these are all normal things that all people in normal healthy relationships already have but for most of our marriage these basics were missing...hence the divorce.
But now things mostly seem normal and like we are really having a relationship. It is such a relief to feel things are going well.
Still....I sometimes get down about the fact that we had to go through so much to get here. It is such a shame we couldn't get here while we were still married....before Kevin and Roslyn and all.
(no time to proof read sorry)
Monday, December 5, 2016
Communication
And...the GOOD streak finally ends.
Last night....not even sure what started it....me and JDK had a HEAVY conversation. I won't call it a fight. We sat in bed next to each other and said things that weren't fun or pleasant, but no one yelled or screamed. No one got crazy. I was even together enough to call a brief time out when something he said hit me really wrong.
But still; it was painful.
Here is a smattering of things that were discussed.......
He thinks I am just an unhappy person and it has nothing to do with him. That I blame everyone else for my feeling instead of taking responsibility. That nothing would make me happy.
To which I replied with...."oh really, that is why I went to therapy for years, tried meds and am constantly reading self help books/articles and forever trying to change/better who I am. I am always trying to be a better me and self reflecting. If anything I am a fucking door mat and blame myself too much. I take too much crap from others...I am not good at being kind to myself."
I told him I was happy with Kevin and Rocco and that for a time we had very normal, healthy relationships. The only reason those relationships failed was NOT my fault. It was because they chose to put their love and attention into someone other than me. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I am positive that I did absolutely nothing to either of them to warrant how it all went down. They were both freaking selfish, childish, entitled and took me for granted. (much like he did)
I flat out told him that the big mistake I made with him was that when I was pregnant and he wasn't "on board" with it all... I stuck around. I was so worried about my kid having a dad and him having a chance that I put my needs last and stuck around to let him treat me like an option not a priority. I told him that I was an idiot to put up with his sub par behavior and if I had had an once of self worth I would have put my head in the air and walked away. I told him that my big flaw is putting up with people treating me like shit way after a healthy person would have turned and walked away; that healthy boundaries are an issue; that my parents trained me to accept abusive behavior from the people closest to me."
He then tells me how all relationships have their ups and downs and that you have to stick with people even in the bad times. I responded that there is a huge difference between being abused and sticking with a person when they are down.
The details of this "fight" haven't really stuck with me. But here are a few things that did.
First....when it was all said and done he a) asked for sex to heal from his wounds (of course) and b) says he was only trying to express how he wants to be a better person and I just took it all wrong; that I made something out of nothing. I started a fight for no reason.
He told me that he feels he can't be "open" with me or it starts a fight. I told him that honesty and transparency are essential to a healthy relationship and that all conversation will not always be pleasant.
He said he never lies to me that he just feels he can't open up. That there is a difference. I told him that was bullshit. (I don't hold it in anymore...I speak my mind.) I told him that all the years that he wasn't honest with me were real and that he CHOSE to keep his secrets and leave me in the dark. Mostly because it was easier for him and made him feel superior for some reason. But also (and this was a hard realization for me) because he liked having me judge him harshly because it gave him a good reason to think poorly of me. he could sit around and think "oh....she thinks so little of me...she judges me harshly." he actually liked that option. He didn't feel the need to smooth things over or make me understand that he didn't have mal intent....no he like being able to judge me and rate me as a shitty person who didn't understand him.
here is the thing. If you love someone you DO NOT want them to think badly of you and you will go to great lengths to make sure they understand that you care and love them and are not out to get them. When a person would rather just let you judge and then sit back and say "see, I knew you sucked and didn't care about me" rather than speak up and say "NO...I love you...I didn't' mean to hurt you....I was just xxxx"
Does that make sense? I mean really if you love someone you don't hurt them on purpose and if you do hurt them by accident you jump through flaming hoops to make it right and fix the wrong. If someone would rather not "fix it" after they are misunderstood then they are just setting you up to be judged and they are certainly not looking out for what is best for the relationship.
Ultimately....he was selfish and he is still battling that selfishness. I honestly believe he wants to be a better person and he wants to have healthy relationships. I also think he has spent a whole lot of time justifying how he treated me and it won't go away any time soon. He told me he will take all blame for everything past and present. (he is now the marter....is that supposed to make me happy?) I know that isn't the answer either.
The answer is a long road of building trust and caring for each other. I hope we can both make that happen!
Last night....not even sure what started it....me and JDK had a HEAVY conversation. I won't call it a fight. We sat in bed next to each other and said things that weren't fun or pleasant, but no one yelled or screamed. No one got crazy. I was even together enough to call a brief time out when something he said hit me really wrong.
But still; it was painful.
Here is a smattering of things that were discussed.......
He thinks I am just an unhappy person and it has nothing to do with him. That I blame everyone else for my feeling instead of taking responsibility. That nothing would make me happy.
To which I replied with...."oh really, that is why I went to therapy for years, tried meds and am constantly reading self help books/articles and forever trying to change/better who I am. I am always trying to be a better me and self reflecting. If anything I am a fucking door mat and blame myself too much. I take too much crap from others...I am not good at being kind to myself."
I told him I was happy with Kevin and Rocco and that for a time we had very normal, healthy relationships. The only reason those relationships failed was NOT my fault. It was because they chose to put their love and attention into someone other than me. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I am positive that I did absolutely nothing to either of them to warrant how it all went down. They were both freaking selfish, childish, entitled and took me for granted. (much like he did)
I flat out told him that the big mistake I made with him was that when I was pregnant and he wasn't "on board" with it all... I stuck around. I was so worried about my kid having a dad and him having a chance that I put my needs last and stuck around to let him treat me like an option not a priority. I told him that I was an idiot to put up with his sub par behavior and if I had had an once of self worth I would have put my head in the air and walked away. I told him that my big flaw is putting up with people treating me like shit way after a healthy person would have turned and walked away; that healthy boundaries are an issue; that my parents trained me to accept abusive behavior from the people closest to me."
He then tells me how all relationships have their ups and downs and that you have to stick with people even in the bad times. I responded that there is a huge difference between being abused and sticking with a person when they are down.
The details of this "fight" haven't really stuck with me. But here are a few things that did.
First....when it was all said and done he a) asked for sex to heal from his wounds (of course) and b) says he was only trying to express how he wants to be a better person and I just took it all wrong; that I made something out of nothing. I started a fight for no reason.
He told me that he feels he can't be "open" with me or it starts a fight. I told him that honesty and transparency are essential to a healthy relationship and that all conversation will not always be pleasant.
He said he never lies to me that he just feels he can't open up. That there is a difference. I told him that was bullshit. (I don't hold it in anymore...I speak my mind.) I told him that all the years that he wasn't honest with me were real and that he CHOSE to keep his secrets and leave me in the dark. Mostly because it was easier for him and made him feel superior for some reason. But also (and this was a hard realization for me) because he liked having me judge him harshly because it gave him a good reason to think poorly of me. he could sit around and think "oh....she thinks so little of me...she judges me harshly." he actually liked that option. He didn't feel the need to smooth things over or make me understand that he didn't have mal intent....no he like being able to judge me and rate me as a shitty person who didn't understand him.
here is the thing. If you love someone you DO NOT want them to think badly of you and you will go to great lengths to make sure they understand that you care and love them and are not out to get them. When a person would rather just let you judge and then sit back and say "see, I knew you sucked and didn't care about me" rather than speak up and say "NO...I love you...I didn't' mean to hurt you....I was just xxxx"
Does that make sense? I mean really if you love someone you don't hurt them on purpose and if you do hurt them by accident you jump through flaming hoops to make it right and fix the wrong. If someone would rather not "fix it" after they are misunderstood then they are just setting you up to be judged and they are certainly not looking out for what is best for the relationship.
Ultimately....he was selfish and he is still battling that selfishness. I honestly believe he wants to be a better person and he wants to have healthy relationships. I also think he has spent a whole lot of time justifying how he treated me and it won't go away any time soon. He told me he will take all blame for everything past and present. (he is now the marter....is that supposed to make me happy?) I know that isn't the answer either.
The answer is a long road of building trust and caring for each other. I hope we can both make that happen!
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Making Love vs. Sex
Sunday morning I woke up and first thing JDK did was ask for an ejaculation favor. We have been having sex at least once a day for at least a week now (actually for 6 months now) and I thought long and hard before I agreed to pleasure him.
I am going to be perfectly blunt....I am sick of the constant and never ending need for sex. I am sick of feeling that THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the WHOLE world is sex. Sick. To. Fucking. Death.
He says it's all about feeling close and his way of feeling love. He tells me how much it means to him and how much he loves me and how it makes him feel so close to me. It all sounds so loving!
Every problem could be solved if I would just offer up more blow jobs and sex!!!
I don't feel it. I feel like he is just horny and using this all to his advantage. I think he loves to have sex and wants to do it as much as possible and he will do whatever he thinks helps to make that possible.
Sex, sex and more sex is really not fun for me. I just want to make love. It just really never feels like love....it just feels like his dick is super needy. He seems like a 14 year old boy who can't get his next orgasm out of his mind. That doesn't make me feel special or loved at all....actually, it's just kind of gross at 50 years old.
Unfortunately it seems so much worse than when we were married. I think when he was with Roslyn they had a lot of sex. I get that if I had just met him and he was super sweet and loving that I would also be wooed into believing we had this glorious love life and I would be way more excited about daily or multiple times a day sex. Husband has a very sexy bod....six pack abs and all.
I am pretty sure that they doinked all the time. Not to mention the 4 days a week with no kid at home so...yeah...sex in the kitchen at noon was possible.
Hell, I remember the first 2 years we were together and I always felt that his constant desire for sex with me was an expression of how much he cared for me. It was only later that I realized it really seemed to have nothing to do with me.....it was just him NEEDING to cum.
I have no doubt that the thought of them fucking day and night also sours it all a bit for me even if he swears that he "never made love to her with out missing me."
and "he craves my body...always has and always will."
Gah!
I really do believe that his indulgence in porn and masturbation have ruined what could be a beautiful expression of intimacy between two people. I do believe that he loves me and thinks it is an expression of love. He has no idea what it is like to really make love to a person though.
He has to watch. He likes to have a mirror or at least contort himself around so he can see his dick going in and out of me. Is that love?
But.....in the final analysis.....if daily sex is all it takes for him to be happy and be an awesome father and husband, it seems like such a simple thing. Doesn't it?
I am going to be perfectly blunt....I am sick of the constant and never ending need for sex. I am sick of feeling that THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the WHOLE world is sex. Sick. To. Fucking. Death.
He says it's all about feeling close and his way of feeling love. He tells me how much it means to him and how much he loves me and how it makes him feel so close to me. It all sounds so loving!
Every problem could be solved if I would just offer up more blow jobs and sex!!!
I don't feel it. I feel like he is just horny and using this all to his advantage. I think he loves to have sex and wants to do it as much as possible and he will do whatever he thinks helps to make that possible.
Sex, sex and more sex is really not fun for me. I just want to make love. It just really never feels like love....it just feels like his dick is super needy. He seems like a 14 year old boy who can't get his next orgasm out of his mind. That doesn't make me feel special or loved at all....actually, it's just kind of gross at 50 years old.
Unfortunately it seems so much worse than when we were married. I think when he was with Roslyn they had a lot of sex. I get that if I had just met him and he was super sweet and loving that I would also be wooed into believing we had this glorious love life and I would be way more excited about daily or multiple times a day sex. Husband has a very sexy bod....six pack abs and all.
I am pretty sure that they doinked all the time. Not to mention the 4 days a week with no kid at home so...yeah...sex in the kitchen at noon was possible.
Hell, I remember the first 2 years we were together and I always felt that his constant desire for sex with me was an expression of how much he cared for me. It was only later that I realized it really seemed to have nothing to do with me.....it was just him NEEDING to cum.
I have no doubt that the thought of them fucking day and night also sours it all a bit for me even if he swears that he "never made love to her with out missing me."
and "he craves my body...always has and always will."
Gah!
I really do believe that his indulgence in porn and masturbation have ruined what could be a beautiful expression of intimacy between two people. I do believe that he loves me and thinks it is an expression of love. He has no idea what it is like to really make love to a person though.
He has to watch. He likes to have a mirror or at least contort himself around so he can see his dick going in and out of me. Is that love?
But.....in the final analysis.....if daily sex is all it takes for him to be happy and be an awesome father and husband, it seems like such a simple thing. Doesn't it?
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Date Night Verson 2.0
Last night Beanie stayed at a friends house so husband and I had a do-over of date night. We got Sushi....and he let me pick which ever I wanted. He paid, no issues. We went to his favorite bar where we talked for hours about anything and everything. We had 2 drinks a piece and the tab was obscenely expensive (fancy beer!) but he didn't complain a bit. It was, without a doubt, one of the best, most real, conversation he and I have ever had.
After that we came home and took a soak in the Jacuzzi tub with candles lit. Still chatting each other up. We finally went to bed and cuddled until we went to sleep. We both intended to make sweet love but we were tired and drank a bit too much so sleep we did.
This morning we cuddled and "enjoyed" each other some more. Eventually he left for the gym and I went to do my long run. Unfortunately Beanie was sick so he went and picked her up and I am home now keeping her company as she rests on the couch. Poor kid puked at the birthday party and the dear sweet mom cleaned her up and let her sleep and didn't bother us all night.
I totally owe her one!!
After that we came home and took a soak in the Jacuzzi tub with candles lit. Still chatting each other up. We finally went to bed and cuddled until we went to sleep. We both intended to make sweet love but we were tired and drank a bit too much so sleep we did.
This morning we cuddled and "enjoyed" each other some more. Eventually he left for the gym and I went to do my long run. Unfortunately Beanie was sick so he went and picked her up and I am home now keeping her company as she rests on the couch. Poor kid puked at the birthday party and the dear sweet mom cleaned her up and let her sleep and didn't bother us all night.
I totally owe her one!!
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