Fucking Fleas!

Today was Beanie’s first day of Kindergarten at the new school. Last night I got a total of about 4 hours of sleep. At 1 am Ramone called and I jumped from bed to answer the call. She was crying and told me she had just watched a flea hatch out in her shoe. I would have suspected it was a drug induced hallucination but she has been complaining to me for weeks now that her dog has fleas. I told her to call her vet. She said she was broke. I didn’t offer to pay.

So last night as she sobbed hysterically that her whole house was full of fleas, I told her what to do, as far as I know, to get rid of them. I told her to get her cat and dog professionally flea dipped at a groomer, to call an exterminator to spray her apartment and to wash EVERYTHING in the house at the Laundromat. All at the same time of course. She says she can’t afford it but I really don’t think it should be my problem. Why these kids insist on pets they can’t afford is beyond me.

I told them from the beginning that having a dog (or cat) was expensive and not what a person just starting out should be signing up for. Of course I am sure she hates me and thinks I am a bad mother for not rushing to fix this problem and footing the bill.

After I got off the phone I was WIDE awake and could not get back to sleep. When I finally dozed off, hours later, I dreamed that I went to Ramone’s apartment to look at the fleas. The apartment was bigger than her real one; it was huge and had many of her friends “crashing” there. I looked around and thought the exterminator would charge a fortune to spray that whole place. I also accidently let my dog go in and she got fleas. I woke up so full of anxiety and then never could get back to sleep.

I don’t want my kid to live in a flea infested apartment. Yet at the same time I don’t want to fix the problem she created by not heading my warnings in the first place. She is the one that wants to be a grown up so bad that she moved out a few weeks BEFORE graduating from high school.

What do you think? Should I help her out?

PS – she can afford to buy pot and booze!

PSS - the dog has been at her Dad's house...so his house probably has fleas. I would not be suprised if Ramone's whole building (not just her flat) has fleas. It's just overwhelming.

Weekend Recap - GOOD WEEKEND - Family Time!!

Last Thursday I was in a fairly good mood. Went to see George and that was nice…he almost always makes me feel positive and hopeful. Thursday evening I biked 20 miles in less than an hour. It was a group ride but Uwe and I ended up doing most of it with just us two. Averaging over 20 mph when you are NOT in a pack is hard work. After the bike I had a few beers (that I counted in my calorie count – GO ME) and enjoyed our little social gathering in the parking lot. I went home in a GREAT mood. I managed to stay in a positive loving mood all weekend too.

Saturday we finally accomplished a real family outing and it went very well. Husband was patient and affectionate with both me and Beanie all day. We toured a few local caves and had swim time at the river. Beanie said her favorite thing was seeing the bats in the cave. She was very inquisitive and well behaved all day.

The car ride home from the cave.

Sunday I biked with a group of awesome friends which totally hit the spot. After that I hustled up a friend with a truck to move a desk for Monster. He had a month to do it and did NOT …which totally hacked me off but it was a free desk and in good shape and I could not bear to see it go in the trash. I just left it in his driveway. Later he texted to thank me and say it is awesome and fits perfectly in his room. Glad I made the effort and had Kevin to help me out.

Sunday afternoon husband biked and I made a huge effort to get to the lake for a swim. I had to find a babysitter for Beanie, drop her off, drive 20 minutes to the lake. I only swam half a mile so I was done in about 25 minutes. I chatted up a few friends who also swam before driving back to town to pick up the kid and then home to shower. All in all it was too much darn time and effort for a swim that left me with goggle eyes for the next 5 hours. THIS IS WHY I DON’T SWIM OFTEN. Even if I had a pool handy it would dry my skin out badly and give me goggle eyes every time I swam. BUMMER because it is a good low impact cardio activity and I really would like to improve my swim times.

As soon as we got cleaned up Beanie and I headed to Valarie’s & Carrie’s house for social time. We had a great evening. The girls played, me and Valarie drank wine and chatted each other’s ears off. It was 9 before I knew it and we rushed home. I think Daddy enjoyed his alone time while we were gone. I hope the introvert recharged while I was busy getting a good social fix.

A Mother's Fears Come True

Today.....both Ramone and Monster went and got this tattoo on their legs. 

I am just sick to my stomach over it.

Sick that they are doing permanent damage to their bodies....sick that they choose to spend their money this way.  Sick that next time they approach me and say "Mom...my car is broke down you have to help me out."  I am going to have to say "gosh...maybe you should have saved up for an emergency instead of spending so much money on a tattoo!"

Ramone Wants Her Own Place

A few months ago Monster moved out of his dad’s house and in with a bunch of friends.  He is currently going to college, but as best I can tell has little interest in doing so.  I understand he wants to move out so he can feel like an adult but I also worry that he will need to work more hours to pay his bills and he will then spend even less time and energy on his lessons.  Also I am ticked off because his dad kind of tricked me into helping pay his rent (only $190/ month).  In the end I was hoping it would help alleviate the boy of some financial stress therefore helping him with school.  THEN he went and got a puppy.  I wanted to cut off the rent payment thinking “if you can afford a pet you can afford rent”.  But then I realized I didn’t have the energy to start a fight…..I just want the kid to get through college.

So….with all that animosity percolating in my head and heart on Thursday March 28^th Ramone announced she was also going to move out.  She and her best friend were going to start looking for a place to rent so they could move out as soon as they graduate from high school.  Of course I am opposed and not going to help her.  She views that as me not being supportive.   However, right now, she has no interest in going to college so let her get out and taste the real world and see how hard it is to live decent while working minimum wage jobs.  She will be 18 on May 23^rd which happens to be the day of graduation.

The first place they found was in a terribly dangerous part of town AND they wanted a co-signer.  I told I would NOT be cosigning a lease for her!  Also, that very day there was a shooting by the apartment they were interested in.  She decided to keep looking.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

A few days later, she comes up with an even better place.  This one is bigger, newer and in a better neighborhood.  She was excited and thought she could get her dad to co-sign for it.  When she told me where it was I was immediately thinking no way.  I quizzed her some more and she sent me a photo.  YES, it was the building that her older brother Friss had last lived in.  You know, the one I had to clean out because he was going to prison for a LONG time.  I told her she had to keep looking that I would not step foot in that place…it was making me sick to my stomach to even think about her living there.

And that little brat told me “well you don’t have to come in then”.  This was last Monday the 1^st and I spent the whole day feeling ill.  When I got home my sweet husband listened to me as I told him what was going on.  He was nice and offered me constructive advice. On Tuesday morning I called Ramone’s dad and talked to him.  I cautioned him to let her pay her own way that he should be frank about how he would help or not help.  He is a bit of a softy and the kids walk all over him.  (Ok he has no spine but I am trying to be nice.) I also reminded him that if he co-signed he was putting himself financially on the hook for her.  Later that day he told her he would not co-sign and she called me to bitch me out for telling her Dad not to sign.  My life is always a joy.  But, I was relieved that she would not be moving into that townhouse.

Finally today, she called and had found yet another place.  (I guess this is all they do in their spare time.)  This one is the upper floor of an old house that has been converted into apartments.  It is in a decent part of town and she knows the teens that rent the downstairs place.  They say the landlord is a good guy and he is not requiring a co-signer, just a verbal OK from the parents.  I plan to go see the place and review the lease early next week.  So far this option seems like it may work all the way around. I will keep you posted.

Thursday Therapy Recap

Last week my meeting with George got snowed out and I was so looking forward to it.

This week we had a really good session.  Somehow, he always makes me feel more positive.  He seems confident that Husband and I are actually good for each other and will figure out a way to make it work.  That deep down we have what each other needs we just need to figure out how to get past the BS that is in the way.

He fills my head with so many good ideas that I can’t really sort it all out.  I should take notes but it is really too much.  My head just swims all over the place.  I wish this was a course that met 3 times a week and I could sit at a desk and take notes and follow along in my book that spells it all out for me.  You know, raise my hand and ask questions and have it all be organized and neat.  I crave organization!

The one thing that sunk in today was build on the positive.  When he does something I like, I should praise him and thank him and once in a while it would even be OK if I asked for a bit more.  Like pump him up with gratitude and love and then make a small request while he is feeling all positive.  I get it….it makes sense and I will try it.  I hope it works.

BUT -   I worry that it is easy to understand an idea and far more difficult to execute it successfully.   (Low confidence in my ability?)  Also, I worry that sometimes when I try to be nice and praise him or give him positive feedback he gets turned off by it.  Like on some level if I am too happy it concerns him.  I suppose that goes back to the concept that there can only be one winner.  Man he used to just piss in Wheaties every time I came home in a really up mood.  He likes content but is not a huge fan of giddy with joy!  (just re-read this and decided he is not thilled when i am happy but is probably fine with me dishing out praise to him.)

Then again, the advice Husband has given me (in the recent past) about how to handle him consists of:

A)     be nice to him

B)      Never talk when feeling emotional.

I really do try to keep these things in mind.  BUT it is hard for me to shut up when I am upset…….it seems like the time to talk, to communicate and solve issues.  I get that he is turned off by emotions so I should just not go there but it is completely the opposite of what I need/want.

Last weekend I tried to talk to him when everyone was feeling peaceful and content and it felt silly.  I just wasn’t sure where to start or what to say.   It didn’t feel necessary at the time so I didn’t know how to proceed.  I kind of believe in letting a sleeping dog lie so I guess when all seems good I lack the motivation to talk issues.  Again, our needs are opposite.

(next time i am upset i will take notes so i can refer to them when we talk later when everyone is NOT emotional.)

Today I told George how good husband is with our daughter and how I think he really does show HER love (she is the only one).  We both agreed this is proof positive that he is capable of giving love; a good thing.

I told George how I never believe anything husband says…..because he frequently says what is easy or what he thinks he SHOULD say, not what he really thinks.  George said to just believe everything he says and let him worry about if it is true or not.  Simple.  Why make it my problem to sort that out? Again, I’m willing to try and see how it works.  (But I can’t forget how he said yes to the dog but then didn’t speak to me for weeks because he was so pissed I got a dog.) 

I told George that husband has been kissing me more and trying to be more affectionate because I have requested more “intimacy”.  I also told George that it feels forced and awkward because Husband does not do it because he WANTS it but because I asked for it.  So I find myself not enjoying what my husband is doing to please me after I requested that he do it.  Then I feel like a total jerk for not being all happy and excited that I got what I wanted. George says keep doing it and it will start to feel better.  Many things seem odd at first but we (as people) keep doing them over and over again until they feel right.  We can do this too when it come to emotionally and physically connecting.  Very skeptical of this one.  But, on the bright side, at least he is TRYING to do the things I have requested.

Well that is all I can recall for today. 

PS - I’m totally stressing out this afternoon because of my to do list:

1)      My taxes (hate to wait till the last minute).

2)      My kids and ex husbands taxes (needed for college forms).

3)      College boys Fed student aid form due by end of March.

4)      Enroll 5 year old in kindergarten……….sign up for lottery because her public school sucks.  (does she need a physical now or by next fall?)

5)      Continue with application process to get 5 year old into private school – interviews should be scheduled soon.

6)      College kid has car problems.

7)      Senior in high school has car problems.

8)      Need to pay rent for college kid (yes I did get roped into that and I am pissed cause he got a puppy too….so pissed I can’t see straight.)

9)      Starting a meditation class next week….hoping this will help my stress.

10)   Need to ramp up training for spring.  More running / more weight lifting / time on the bike.

11)   Need to eat less and lose my winter fat….running out of time, spring is almost here.

12)   Get to Grandma’s for a past due visit.  (her birthday was last week and I still have no gift)

13)   My new car needs oil change and bath desperately.

14)   Husband is trying to negotiate getting some equipment picked up…..and I am in the middle since I work where there are trucks and trailers we can borrow.

15)   I really need to refinance the house before interest rates go up.  They are so stinking low now I will just freak if I miss out.

This plus work my 40 hours a week "real" job…….take care of the families day to day needs and get Beanie to her classes, etc.  TIME IS THE ENEMY!  (and $$ a close second.)

Money

My ex husband, the father of the teenagers, is a financial nightmare.  His house is in disrepair, falling apart.  He is drowning in credit card debt.  He has never saved a dime in his life and often has nothing to show for what money he has earned.  He has a decent paying job with good benefits but still he just can’t seem to make ends meet.  He is not the type to blow his money on drugs, women or even fancy cars.  (Remember I just gave him a car.) No, he blows his money on fast food, cable TV and art supplies.  At the end of the day he stands before the world acting sad and beaten down; shrugging his shoulders as if he does his best but he just can’t come out on top.  It’s not his fault you know….life is just hard.  Everyone feels sorry for him.

I am almost half a century old.  I have been working my ass off for over 30 years now.  I have often gone without things so I don’t rack up debt.  I made straight A’s in college so I could get my tuition covered by my employer.  I live cheaply and squirrel my money away.  I don’t have cable TV or internet service at home it’s just too expensive for what you get.   I have gone years without a single penny to spend on entertainment or clothes.  I even lived for a few years without a couch after my divorce; sat on the floor.  I carefully buy quality things and take care of them so they last a long time or pick up great bargains from Craigslist.  I now have some nice things and some money in savings and I earned every last bit of it.  No one feels sorry for me……in fact everyone thinks I somehow owe them ….mainly money of course.

So in the ever continuing saga of how teenager suck the life out of you and make you wish you had gotten your tubes tied at the ripe old age of 12, Monster and I had another huge fight this weekend…..and you guessed it…..it was over money.

A few months ago he told me he wanted to move out of his dad’s house and in with a friend.  We discussed some of the details and he assured me that his roommate to be was a very stable and trustworthy young man who could be counted on to pay his half.  I was happy the boy seemed to be thinking it through and offered to talk to potential landlords for him in an effort to be sure they ended up in a decent place.  I even offered to help him with the bills should he continue to keep his grades up and act like a mature adult.  Basically I did my best to be involved and supportive despite the fact that I really don’t think he should move out when he has a “free” place to stay and there is no reason to move.

Please note he has told me many times in the past few months that he hates living at Dads to which I respond “then why don’t you come live with me?”  I have a bedroom, bathroom and living area downstairs that he could have all to himself.  He always declines because, well because… he knows I won’t let him stay up all night or smoke pot in my house.  Besides I don’t have cable TV or internet service and who can live like that?

So yesterday he calls me to tell me that 2 other friends lost a roommate and he wants to move in with them and he wants to know how much money I am going to give him for rent.  I told him I was not willing to pay his rent.  Rather than discuss it any further, he chose to hang up on me and start sending me viscous text messages about what a bitch I am and how I am a terrible mother. 

I then calmly reminded him that he has totaled his car not once, but twice since he purchased it and I have both times got him back on the road (about $10k worth of auto repairs!).  Not to mention the fact that I had to kick in about $3000 for him to buy the car in the first place.  I buy his school books and pay part of his tuition too.  AND I still pay his father child support each month and buy all his clothes, shoes, etc.  Basically he is costing me a shit ton of money yet to him, I am a stingy bitch who is just so mean to him.

Long and short of it is this; I wish I had never given the kids a dime….I should have just told them I was broke and can’t help them. Hell I could at least say look I have a new car so I am plumb out of money for you. …spent it all on myself, sorry.  It would be so much nicer than bending over backwards to be helpful only to be totally unappreciated and treated like dirt.

Teenagers Suck

Last Friday afternoon I had sat here at my desk thinking how nice it will be to finally have a nice quiet weekend at home.  No big road trips, no stressful parties, no big training plans or races.  Ok a very little race with Husband but really no big commitments.

Then around 4 pm things got derailed.  Ex-husband phoned to let me know that Ramone was in jail and to make it even worse, she was also 3 hours away from home!  She and a girlfriend had been road tripping to a music festival and got stopped for speeding; evidently, my daughter had some “magic” mushrooms in her possession.

Ex-husband told me he was going to go get her on Saturday morning so I offered to go along and to drive.  My car is more reliable than his and my head is certainly more level than his.  He is really neurotic at times.  He did not know a lot of details about what was going on but he did have the number of the sheriff’s office where she was being held so as soon as I got home from work, and had poured a glass of wine, I phoned to get the scoop.

The officer told me they were holding her for 24 hours and that at 3:10 pm on Saturday she would probably be released.  I told him we lived 3 hours away and he advised us to call at noon to see if she was for sure getting out before we drove all that way down there.  Other than that, he didn’t tell me much of anything but as best I could tell there was nothing I could do but wait until noon on Saturday and call back.

Husband and I spent the rest of the evening rearranging the kitchen and making a lounge/reading area at one end where the table used to take up a whole lot of space and rarely get used.  We moved the dining table to the middle of the room where we used to have an old table that was just a place to accumulate junk.

I found the chairs on Craigslist for $25 each. And the end table and coffee table had been in the basement.  I still need to buy an area rug and install a can light above the new kitchen table location.  But so far this makeover has been cheap and easy and I just LOVE it.  I wish I had done it years ago; it is so much more functional for us.

Saturday morning I needed to keep occupied so I worked on organizing my daughter’s clothes.  Her room was a disaster because the winter clothes had been dumped out and rooted through but had no place in the dresser to be stored. 

At 11 we went and did my husband’s little duathlon.  I had to run 2 miles and then he paddled 3.  We took second place.  I was pleased with my 16 minute time.  I did not warm up because I was distracted by neurotic ex-husband calling me to fuss out loud.  I finally got a bit testy with him and reminded him to settle down because we really had no information yet.

At noon I left the race and headed home to call the jail.  This time a female officer answered and she was not as nice as the man was last night.  She said she didn’t know anything and would not know anything until 3:10.  So ex-husband and I decided to just start driving that way.

As soon as I picked him up, he flopped the chair back and closed his eyes.  He told me he needed to relax.  I agreed and put in Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth book on tape; thought it may be just what he needed.  I know I didn’t want him yapping at me.

At 3:10 the girl called to say she was free.  We told her we were on our way but still an hour away so she would have to hang tight.  Her father relaxed a bit after that and he wasn’t so bad after all.  We talked about lots of topics and had a pleasant drive.  I was relieved.

We got there and found her waiting in front of the court house.  She was so happy to see us that she cried and hugged us both.  On the drive back she told us all about her experience and we offered up much parental advice.  Seems teens are more receptive to their parent’s ideas after they just spent the night in jail!  I sure hope she learns from this and it does not mess up her future.  They still have not formally charged her with anything.  She told us they had to get the lab results first.  I hope she falls through the cracks and we never hear from them again.  (Wishful thinking I know.)

It was around 8:30 when I finally arrived at home and Beanie was asleep which made me sad because I had really missed her.  Also, my back was killing me from spending the day in the car.  I HATE driving, especially at night.  I chatted with husband for a bit, he has been super sweet, and then I was soon asleep.

Sunday morning, I did my long run with Stina and told her the whole story.  She is such a good listener.  I felt much better after that.  Back home at 8 am Friss called and I had a really nice talk with him too.

The balance of the day was good; I hung out with Beanie and got lots of things done.   Still, Monday came way too fast and I never did get a chance to sit and read in my new lounge.