Thanksgiving 2013

As usual we spent Thanksgiving at my husband’s parent’s house. They are nice people that mean well but of course they are “different” and it’s not my favorite place to spend a lot of time. Let me explain.

We arrive and grandma comes rushing to the door and gushes and gushes she is so glad to see us. She goes on and on with hugs and wails of “oh it is so good to see you!” Now I was raised in a family that showed ZERO outward affection so this sort of overt outpouring of joy at my mere presence makes me feel all off balance. I know she is trying to be nice but it seems so over the top to me. Makes me want to back up and call the guys in white coats. BUT I do realize this is just a matter of opinion. NO one is right or wrong, just different.

When we arrive Grandpa makes an obligatory appearance to say hi. He stands back and looks a bit impatient. He obviously can’t wait to get back to his own thing. He is not a gusher at all. Soon he disappears only to reappear when there is food being served or he is specifically summoned.

Before long Grandma is focusing 100% on her only grandchild; the light of her life; the most precious peach ever plucked. This again is not bad, but it gets worse as the day wears on and grandma wears out but continues jumping through flaming hoops with no breaks in order to satisfy the ever more demanding and selfish 6 year old who is now reveling in the attention and the power she is wielding over the adults. I sit alone nearby, bored out of my mind, watching TV and must actively keep myself from intervening. I know that this is how they both want it and I try hard to let her be the grandma she wants to be. She is old and I know it won’t be long before she is gone and I want them to have as much quality time with each other as possible.

Still, it is hard for me. We struggle to keep this “only” child from being a brat and Grandma’s attitude towards her is not helping. Again, I was brought up in a very different world. In my family, children are not human and don’t count for a thing. They are little bothers that are required to be quiet, stay out of the way and act RESPECTFUL at all time to the adults who are present.

When I was growing up, holidays were when the adults gathered to see each other and the kids played and NONE of the adults entertained us. Sure they might get out a box of toys for us or let us chop something to be helpful in the kitchen, but they did not have planned activities arranged to fill our whole day with stimulating fun.

That’s another thing…..when did society decide that children had to be “stimulated” all day or we were not being good (grand)parents?  My husband and his family feel you should be reading to the child or offering her crafts or cooking projects or doing something educational with her every waking moment. I think kids need to learn to entertain themselves and they need to have veg-out time too. I remember as a kid playing by myself with the Dixie cups in the bathroom or making up games with my brother. Adults NEVER entertained us!

Add to this that Grandma is THE BIGGEST food pusher ever. She has always been this way and I think that is partly why my husband has such a messed up relationship with food. Grandma lost about 50 pounds over the last few years so she is not as bad as she used to be but she is STILL really bad. She had 2 pies, an apple crisp, ice cream and pumpkin bread, ham, turkey (with all the trimmings) and a lasagna, pancakes and sausage for breakfast each day and much, much, more and that was for 3 adults for just 2 days. (She doesn’t eat because she is on Weight Watchers) WAY TOO MUCH FOOD.

And she bought me special creamer….which I don’t want. And she got my favorite ice cream…..which I don’t need especially when there are already two pies. And she always has nuts, chips and fruit out on the table. She offered Beanie chocolate pie no less than 5 times per day. It’s ridiculous!

On Friday we had lunch around 2 pm and she had dinner on the table at 5. I wasn’t even slightly hungry but I did not want to be rude so I sat at the table and ate what they served me. My stomach was in pain when we finally left for home. And, she thought I was getting sick because I was not eating more and didn’t want to go shopping on Black Friday!!

On the way home I discussed it with my husband. He was nice and listened and explained that his mother means well and is just trying to be nice and make sure we have a memorable holiday.

I know I am just being an ungrateful bitch to complain. But still it is like a two day torture fest for me. I don’t want to, or need to, eat like that. (No one does EVER.) I hate to sit alone for hours on end and watch TV.   (I should go read a book.)  Husband disappears just like his father and I am left alone the whole time. I hate it.

In the final analysis I am grateful that Husband’s mother loves Beanie especially since my mother has no interest what so ever in her.

PS – I think I could take it for one day….but two was just too much. Next year, if there is one, I will certainly stay only one day even if I have to drive myself and make excuses to leave.

The Fun Never Stops

Yesterday (Monday) morning I took my 6 year old to work with me. Her school takes off the whole week of Thanksgiving. At noon we went home, I fed her lunch and then we laid down so she would take a nap. Right on queue her father arrived at 1 pm and I left him in charge of sleeping beauty and returned to work. After work I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few items and headed home. When I got there both of them were gone. I assumed they went to the gym so he could work out.  I also assumed they would be home shortly.

By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.

Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!

Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.

They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.

Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.

Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.

My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.

==============================


This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.  

I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)

Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”

Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.

I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.

So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.

(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)

It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.

Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.

I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?

My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!

Thursday

Thursdays are usually my good days. The one day a week I tend to feel mentally “normal” all day.

I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.

I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation.  We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.

Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.

Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.

Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.

Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!

I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!

Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.

While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out.  He told me I can be rude at times.  We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.

Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.

He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.

Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.

UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.

What is on my mind today?

I'm a list maker:

1) I am wondering how Uwe is doing. We are not talking to each other which is good because he can’t hurl insults at me but I still worry about him.  A few weeks ago he injured his arm and had surgery and I wish I could just ask him how he is. I can’t turn off my emotions just because I should. I still miss my old friend even though I know that he is gone now and has been replaced by a skinny mean person…at least to me he is.

2) Sparing you the details about why this is on my mind…..I feel like my husband doesn’t even think about me until his penis reminds him to. And even then, unlike a date that gets wined and dined for a piece of ass, all I get is a groping or a hug at best. New flash men…the way into a woman’s pants is through her head!

3) Friss still has not called. I don’t know when he will be able to call. I hate not being able to talk to him. I have been trying to mail him letters as much as I can.

4) I got on the scale this morning. Between Halloween and my NYC trip I put on 3 or 4 pounds. NOT GOOD. Time to go back to counting calories and starving which is just no fun at all.

5) As much as I enjoy KP and we seem to be getting along great (why can’t I just relax and enjoy the present?) I can’t help but think, way too often, about how all people are nice in the beginning and this will all blow up and be terrible in the end. He will most certainly turn into a jerk like all the rest. I have no optimism.

6) Cash flow at work is getting worse by the minute. I wish I could just walk away without finding another job. I haven’t seen anything worth even applying for in months which is so depressing.

7) This morning’s run was kind of crappy. My legs have been sore. The whole summer of workouts was crappy. I know, to some extent, my mental state is dragging me down physically. That and old age is no doubt getting me more lately. I am pushing 50. Oh and I don’t have a gym right now so I have not been lifting weights at all. I would rush out and get a gym membership but there is nothing available that suits my need and is in my price range.

8) Made an appointment with a new Therapist named Sara. I go on December 5th which seems so far away. I am desperate for someone to help me. Why can’t the so called “experts” fix this? I assume this new one will be no better than those before her. I have seen a total of 5 therapists and so far none have done much. I mean George helped me figure some stuff out but really, considering the amount of time and money spent, therapy sucks.

9) My dog still has fleas. I tried all kinds of things. I have called the vet (again). I have talked to some breeders. I am almost out of ideas. The whole thing is so frustrating because this dog usually goes everywhere with me. So there are fleas in my car, fleas in my office, fleas in my yard and house. How can I ever get this under control!? And how did it get out of control. I use Frontline as directed EVERY month.

10) A few weeks ago I was in a minor car accident. I was making a left out of Beanie’s school (she was not in the car) and a car popped up over the hill going too fast and clipped my rear end. My car is dented and scratched but I am hoping it is nothing too serious or costly to fix. I need to get it looked at but have not been able to find the time. It makes me sad that my 10 month old car has already been hit.

11) My six year old daughter is spoiled rotten. We try very hard not to spoil her but it seems like just being kind and courteous to her feeds her desire to be a raving, demanding bitch. I love her like crazy but I am so tired of arguing with her EVEN when I am giving her what she is asking for!

I feel like my life is nothing more than a list of complaints. I suppose I should make a list of all the wonderful things I can think of to offset the above.

Here ya go………..

The sun is out. I can still fit in my clothes. I can afford new (full price) running shoes. I was lucky the car accident was so minor.

Last night Beanie was reading to me. I am amazed at how well she had learned to sound out words. She knows most 2 letter words and she can sound out most three letter words. Pretty impressive for a kindergarten I think. Glad she is so smart.

Ramone and Monster have been pretty good lately.  In fact, Monster has a new girlfriend that I really like. I friended her on Facebook and she seems very normal and pretty. 

Lastly I am grateful that my inattentive husband who never wants to spend time with me lets me go out two nights a week and have some sort of social life otherwise I would go completely out of my mind!

Strange Dreams

Last night I was sleeping in the basement all by myself. Usually the super dark, quiet, womb like room is my safe haven where I go and enjoy the most peaceful sleep imaginable. But last night, for the first time ever, the bedroom did me wrong.

First dream was set there in the bedroom. In real life I was sleeping on my back with my left leg out of the covers. In the dream a “human presence” opened the closed bedroom door and came into the room. It walked past the foot of the bed and I could see it but not really make it out. As it rounded the corner of my bed it picked up the covers from the foot of the bed and holding them walked towards my head which covered my leg back up. I was trying to call out to it in my sleep. I was trying to wake up but couldn’t. I was scared and creped out, frozen, paralyzed. I was half awake and half asleep but could not get a word to actually come out of my mouth. Then I really did wake up and no one was there.  Still unsure if it was real or not I looked down and my leg was still hanging out from under the sheet and the covers had not been pulled up. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the door was still closed.

After that dream I understandably decided to read for a bit instead of going back to sleep. By 3 am I told myself to put the tablet down and try and get some sleep before morning.

It wasn’t long before I had another odd dream. This time it was dusk and I was in a trailer park looking for Cynthia, Uwe’s new girlfriend. I wanted to talk to her for some reason. I was pensive about approaching her mobile home and was lingering outside near the road looking at her lit up windows. There were many other characters in the area as most mobile home communities seem to involve drinking cheap beer on the porch and chumming with neighbors. (I speak from experience)

Next thing you know a large rowdy group of partiers come prancing down the road. They were all dressed up like characters from the late 70s. Think Soul Train. One even had a large boom box on his shoulder and they were all dancing as they strolled. It was almost like a costume parade. Mardi gras like? (hey dreams don’t have to make sense!)

Suddenly I see a guy in a white suit (think John Travolta Saturday Night Fever) with a large bushy black mustache and realize it is my husband. At first I feel “caught” because I was not where I was supposed to be. Then I realize he was certainly not where he was supposed to be either…..AND where did he get the suit? And when did he shave his beard into a 70’s stache?

He was laughing and smiling and having a grand old time until he turned and came eye to eye with me. We both stood there just frozen for an awkward moment looking at each other and not knowing what to say. I finally broke the silence and said “don’t worry about it, we'll talk later.” And with that he danced off down the road with his party and someone standing near me said something to me like “don’t worry about it?? Are you crazy??”

Then I woke up.

So….what the heck does this all mean? I do have some ideas about dream #2.

1) I was supposed to do something with Cynthia this weekend and I never confirmed details. She didn’t either. I think we both didn’t really want to see each other, but I think I still felt guilty for not discussing it with her. I am the type of person who feels it is rude to not follow up on tentative plans. I hate being rude. Ugh

2) I have always felt that my husband doesn’t share his life with me or tell me what is going on with him. I know this was a manifestation of me feeling left out of his life. He was out at a big party and I knew nothing of it. He shaved and I didn’t know it. He procured a costume for the party and I didn’t know it. Oddly, I was not offended that I was not invited; I was just upset that I had no idea what he was doing.

3) The white suit probably came from a real costume he wore on Halloween when we were dating. The real one was powder blue not white. Lately all the guys have been wearing goofy mushtashes so no surprise there.

4) We were both wrong in the dream. Both not where we were supposed to be. I guess I am subconsciously thinking we are both at fault in our marriage or that we are both up to sneaky no good things.

5) In the dream when we finally were face to face and something needed to be said he of course was silent. In real life he rarely asks questions or makes comments about what either one of us is up to. SO he was true to form in the dream.  I of course was true to form too. I wasn’t able to think of anything smart to say….so instead I played the “agreeable” card. I am such a doormat.

================

Just had an idea about the first dream.  Husband has NEVER EVER come downstairs to the bedroom when I was there.  Not when he knew I was upset or needed to leave or anything.  I admit I don't want him to now, but there was a time where I was heartbroken that he never came to me to check on me when I was upset or to ask me to come back to bed.  So maybe it was him in the dream.  The act of pulling the sheet up so I was covered seemed like it was a kind gesture.  Then again I was fearful the whole time because I had no idea who it was or what there motives were.

Also, once a long loooong time ago I did have an intruder break into my home (in real life) and come into my bedroom.  He was not a nice man and he did not have good intentions.  Without the details lets just say the police kept my sheets and I was scared in my own home for a long time after that.  So for some reason maybe my subconscious was conjuring up that memory???

Quick Update

Last night I spent 3 hours with KP. We just talked and held each other close. It’s almost weird how comfortable and close we feel to each other. It is also very nice; I mean who doesn’t want to feel safe and excepted?

We also talk on the phone a lot. I mean like hours a day. I always enjoy talking to him. He has a knack for being honest, caring and boiling my crazy thoughts down to simple concepts. I can’t tell you how many times he says “well I think it’s like this……” and then I think “that is IT exactly!” Let’s just say we get each other. I know, I know….still all very new but hey, I am enjoying it.

I figured out why I felt so bad after I left Georges office yesterday. It is because he makes me feel like my marriage is more important than me. He is in “save the marriage at all costs” mode. I am at the point where I feel the marriage is harming me and I wish we could actually discuss that possibility. I really would like an objective person to help me with my logic. I am obviously not in a position to really think clearly and trust my own judgment.

Time to look for a new therapist….again.

Of course, George loved the idea of asking husband for 2 hours a week. I plan on discussing it with him tonight. I expect he will agree to the idea whole heartedly but then figure out a way to weasel out of it later. George says I should NOT let him weasel. I am to tell Husband “you agreed to do this and I need you to follow through and I need to know that when you agree to something you mean it”. I do wish I could summon George to help me with ALL conversation with my husband!

Did I tell you I saw my mom last week? I stopped by there on my way to the airport. (I took a mini vacation to NYC last weekend.) I arrived at her house, grabbed a snack and sat down to visit with her. We quickly ran out of things to say and felt uncomfortable so I went ahead and left for the airport a little early. It makes me sad that I don't have "real" parents. What do you think I did with my extra time at the airport??  Well talk to KP on my phone of course.

Well poop, I have to get to work. I do have a job and for the next few months it is going to be busy.
I will keep trying to post daily if it is at all possible.

Procrastination and Navel Gazing

For the last month and a half I have been goofing off at work. I just find it so hard to take any of it seriously when the company is just going broke day by day. It all seems so futile.

AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.

Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.

Finally it has all caught up with me!!

As of right this minute:

1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.

2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.

3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!

4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.

5) I am worried about Friss.

6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)

7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.

8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.

9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.

10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that.  You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree.  OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays!   I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!

Deer Hunting

I think it would be very good for me to blog daily. I need to set aside a time slot and just get things down on paper. I need to worry less about content and more about quantity. I can always review my notes later to extract what was actually important. But if I don’t write anything down then there is no record at all and right now there is so much going on that I really need to capture.

This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.

I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?

I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”

I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!

He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!

For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.

That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie.  My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.

Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?

Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.

Me: what about deer hunting?

Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)

Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?

I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.

Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?

Husband: Yes I do.

Me: what time would you like to go?

Husband: before light.

Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?

Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.

Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!

Me: and when will you be done for the morning?

Husband: should be back by 9.

Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?

Husband: yes

Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?

Husband: yes

UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??

I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.

I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.

I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????

Rewriting History

Yesterday there was some more drama regarding Uwe. I won’t bore you with the details but the guy is a freaking narcissistic jerk who is always accusing me of doing lowly things and then says if I don't deny it it must be true.  (I try very hard not humor him with an argument.)

Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF

Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.

So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.

Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.

Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.

So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.

I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.

What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me?  Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind?  Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :(  He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.

At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama! 
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML