Mothers Day 2015

Today was not a good day for me.  I woke up determined to have a nice day, but instead I spent my day fighting back tears and battling depression.

First I went for a run.  I am running by myself now that Stina finally had to stop (she is due May 25th).  I am pitiful slow, my feet hurt, my lungs hurt and basically.....at this point, running just sucks.  Zero fun for me.  But I registered for a big race at the end of May so I will keep freakin' running.  Hopefully it will get better.

Then I had to retrieve my daughter from JDK who of course didn't get home last night until after 9 so kept her all night even though I was supposed to have her.  I am glad he takes her to his visit his parents but it always results in a shitty Sunday morning exchange.

As expected the whole process was frustrating.  I'll spare you the details.  At this point no matter what he does it aggravates me.  If he is nice I just feel manipulated and if he isn't then I have to deal with him being a jerk.  This morning I actually got cold indifference like it was just a chore to drive her up to school to meet me.  I think he is trying to impress me with how much he doesn't "give-a-fuck" anymore.   At least Beanie was happy to see me.

My mother emailed me to wish me a happy mothers day.  She told me her gift to me was that she was home cleaning out her file cabinets and burning all the trash so I wouldn't have to deal with it when she passes.  I thanked her for that.  I had phoned her a few days ago wanting to schedule a visit.  She apparently has decided to never drive out here again.  I say this because I have moved twice and gotten a divorce and despite my repeated invitations she never comes.  Anyway, we didn't figure out a date so I need to keep working on that.

Monster texted me and Ramone called.  I know they were both trying to be nice but today I couldn't help but dwell on being a total failure as a parent.  Both of them are just a few short years from being kicked off their Dad's insurance.  Both of them have been out of high school for years now.  Neither of them show any signs of maturity.  It's like the idea of having a real job is completely foreign to them.  All they want to do is party and work as little as possible for enough money to get by.  I really thought by now they would be tired of this lifestyle.  I guess I was wrong.  I still don't know what we did to teach them this way of life.  Their dad and I both have college degrees and respectable day jobs.  Meanwhile my peers with kids the same age as mine are posting to Facebook pictures of their child graduating from college. 

Kevin's family had a lunch get together at 1 pm as usual.  This time his sister hosted.  I had never been to her place before.  It is a smaller, older home but I absolutely love how she had it decorated.  She likes purple! We had just finished lunch and having nice conversation when a storm blew up that threatened to hail on our cars.  Everyone rushed home to put their car in their garage.  The storm turned out to be not much of anything so we spent the balance of the day at home, bored, and alone.

At one point me and Beanie are watching a TV show about couples.  The therapist comes on and says "Communication is the most important part of a marriage!"  I couldn't help myself but say how I wished Daddy had been willing to communicate with me.  The comment felt necessary because lately he seems to drill her when she is with him about how he still loves mommy and how he wishes I had not left him and how he wishes we were still a happy family.  She now makes comments to me on a regular basis about how she wishes we were still a family and how mean I am for leaving him, etc.  I have been really struggling with how to respond and at this point, if I had the money, I would certainly get her into therapy.  He is working hard to brain wash her and I feel that I have to do SOMETHING in response.  Exactly what I haven't figured out yet.

When I made the comment about communication she jumped on it immediately and told me that it wasn't nice for me to talk that way about daddy and he never says anything bad about me.  She then got angry and sulked for a few hours.

Meanwhile Kevin went for a bike ride and was gone for what seemed like an eternity.  When he got back I told him I was worried and he said he stopped at Doug & Kay's house for a visit.   I was a little chapped.  Yesterday he left saying he was running up to Hy-Vee for tortilla chips and a coke.  He was gone for an hour.  Hy-Vee is only one mile from the house.  I finally called and he told me he dropped by the old house to check on the place.  I was home all alone and really disappointed that he kind of ditched me.  When he got home I told him how I felt.  He excused his behavior by reminding me that he had asked me if I wanted to go.  I had to reiterate that I thought it was a 15 minute trip to the grocery store.  If I had known he was going to be gone for over an hour I would have tagged along.

The bright spots in my day; Friss called even though the line to get a phone is impossible on Mothers day.  Kevin bought me the lovely plants in the photo above because he is a thoughtful person.  Beanie made me some nice cards at school.
 

Happy Easter

Today I popped two Sudafed's so I could survive the day.  My cold is still kicking my ass.

Beanie spent yesterday with her Dad at G&G's house.  She reported having so much fun biking with the neighbor kids and finding Easter eggs.  She also told me that Daddy went paddling with Slebos which I found as no surprise.  Far be it for him to just spend the day with family and not figure out how to make it into a work out for himself.

After I ran a slow 5 miles with Stina I picked up my daughter from her father who totally irritated me by getting home too late last night to drop her off and then being too busy and rushed this morning to meet me in the usual place.  I had to meet him at Walmart where they were shopping because he had to get his shopping done at the crack of dawn.  He was in a great mood.  No doubt planning a day of selfish endeavors.

Back home Beanie was thrilled with what the Easter bunny had left her.  She loves fruit and didn't seem to really understand that I had purchased it despite the fact we discussed it about a week ago and she agreed it would be better than a basket of candy.  (By the way....it was SOO expensive that I won't be doing that again for some time.)  But she was happy and I was glad she didn't have to O.D. on sugar for the day.  She did ask me where the Easter Bunny gets all HIS gifts from.  She wondered if he stole them from the stores.  She also assured me the Easter Bunny is a boy not a girl.

At 11:30 we left for Kevin's mom's house to celebrate Easter.  Everyone arrives at noon and then lunch is served at 1 pm.  Then everyone hangs out and socializes as long as they feel like it.  This is the drill for every holiday.  Oh how I love the consistency!

Beanie finally got to meet her "cousin" who is actually Kevin's nieces daughter.  They are the exact same age!  (Aubrey is a bit big for her age and Beanie is a bit small.)  Thankfully they really hit it off and Beanie had a great time.

His family are such nice people.  They are all so kind and respectful.  It is so reassuring for me to be around such people.  Renews my faith in mankind and my hope for my life.  It reminds me that I am on the right track.

We all ate too much, of course, and then got home around 5 pm to lay on the couch and say dinner was not necessary.  We finished off the day watching TV and playing on our tablets.

2015

I am not usually a New Year's resolution fan.  Up until just a few years ago, I didn't even gorge myself during the holidays and gain weight thus requiring the resolution to get in shape.  But, for one reason or another in the last few years I have been guilty of porking out in the winter and getting embarrassingly over weight.

I maintained my weight very well until my mid 40s and then it just didn't seem as important anymore thanks to sagging skin, wrinkles, ages spots, etc.

BUT this year is a BIG year for me because come August 29th I will turn 50 years old!!  I really can't believe this is going to happen.  The years really DO fly by.  I remember when my mother turned 50 and it doesn't seem that long ago.  Heck it seems like just yesterday I was staring down 40 and dreading that milestone.

In order to gracefully slip into my second 1/2 century of life I have resolved to get in great shape and be proud of myself for my birthday.  I want to celebrate and be happy rather than feel ashamed at my lack of self discipline and my shitty relationships.

So January 1 seems like the perfect time to really kick off this project of being fabulous at 50.  (Ugh...that sounds so dorky.)

So this is the breakdown of my plan:

1) WEIGHT -  Get safely back under 130 pounds (my ideal weight) and stay there.  In order to accomplish this goal my action plan involves a number of things that I know work for me.  First, I will control my calorie intake by counting them every day using My Fitness Pal app.  Second, I will weigh in daily or at least every few days.  Weekly DOES NOT work for me....it allows me too much time to get off track.  In fact not weighing is a big part of how I got in trouble in the first place.  It is the feedback I require to get the job done.  I used to weigh my self religiously and stayed under 130 for years.

2) ALCOHOL - No wine until I am back to my weight goal.  Not only are there lots of empty calories in wine but also, it is just too easy for me to have a few glasses of wine and then feel so "relaxed" that I eat stuff for fun and the calorie situation gets out of hand quick.  Since I love wine so much I must just make it off limits for a while.  I can still drink a beer or a margarita if it fits in my calorie count since I know I will not get carried away drinking them. 

3) EXERCISE - get back in the habit of making exercise a priority.  When I am fit and strong I feel better both physically and emotionally.  I joined the gym.  I have started lifting again.  But for 2015 my goal is to work out EVERY single day at least once.  A "workout" consists of (but is not limited to) running, cycling, yoga, swimming, or lifting.  I will be moving in March and I will count a day of moving furniture as exercise.  You get the idea.  I am not allowed to spend the day in sloth mode unless I am sick.  If I challenge myself and set this goal it will gain momentum as time goes on and I can't let my streak come to an end.  This type of pressure works for me.

4) MENTAL HEALTH - I plan to read, write and absorb anything and everything that is GOOD for me.  I already bookmarked this blog to read daily http://tinybuddha.com/.   I will find and implement more ways to be positive and grow personally into the best possible me. 

5) RELATIONSHIPS - I want to build better relationships with the people I love such as my family and Kevin.  I also will strive to develop a positive relationship with JDK and not waste my time feeling negative towards him.  I vow to focus on appreciating the good in people and putting forth a joyous presence into the world.  I don't want to be an old bitchy person!!

I know I will struggle at times because you don't get to be my age and flip a switch and start doing everything you want to do.  BUT...I have goals and actions plans and time to make this work.  I am feeling positive and motivated and I am going to make this next year one of the best years yet!!

Oh....and today I weighed 140.  Christmas was an eat-a-thon!

Christmas Day

This morning I got up at 4:45 and put on my winter running gear.  I met about 10 of my running buddies at the trail head at 5:30 a.m. (as usual).  I ran 6 miles with Bob and Dan and we averaged just under 9 minute miles.  This is fast for me at this point.  It was a fun yet challenging run.

Back home I peeled off my wet, cold running clothes and hopped back into bed with Kevin.  He was all "eww....you are cold!! don't touch me!"  I was all "I am cold!! WARM ME UP!".  He then cuddled and rubbed me for the next 45 minutes trying to warm me up.  We finally both fell back to sleep all snuggled up together. 

It was about 9 am when we finally climbed out of bed and cleaned up to greet Christmas day.

He gave me a beautiful, sentimental card and I gave him a key that I purchased at the craft show a few weeks ago...the key to my heart to be precise.  We both loved our "personal" gifts.

Back at his house we opened some gifts with his kids.  One of the gifts I got him was a montage photo frame.

this is the actual gift that I made for him.

He had his refrigerator covered with family photos and when we started the remodeling process to sell the house I took all of them down and put them in a safe place.  He missed them and had fished a bunch of them back out and put them back on the fridge.   Then Tuesday when he was at work, Beanie and I took the photos off the fridge and put them in this frame.  We then put some other photos back on the fridge in the hopes he would not notice any change.  Happily he never did catch on.

He is a big family guy and he loves his family photos.  When he opened this gift, in front of me and his two kids and his sons spouse he actually got emotional and covered his face.  He was overcome for a moment and I felt so good that I had touched his heart like he has touched mine so many times.  I really hope his kids got it.  He has a fierce love for his family!!

Next we headed to his folks house for the big Christmas get together.  I felt a little like a party crasher but mostly felt bad that Beanie was not along as she would have loved it.  There were other kids there......something she doesn't get at G&G's house.  I was missing her more than ever.

We dined on ham with all the fixings and then opened presents and socialized.  It was a very nice day and his family is really great.  They are all warm and loving and no one is crazy or drunk or what ever like my family.

Around 5 we headed home and at 6 pm Monster and Ramone came over to do Christmas with me.  Kevin and I made some dips and snacks to share and the kids seemed very hungry.  Come to find out they had no activities that day and could have gone with us to Kevin's family thing.  I wish I had known I would have so take then.  Next year...by golly... I will bring all my kids... and it will be so fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kevin has two kids.  Jordan is 23 and Aaron is 25 years old.  Aaron is married to Candice and they have a 3 year old son named Gage.  Jordan is just finishing up her masters degree this year and will be a dietitian when she graduates.   Aaron's wife is in the air force and he is a stay at home Dad for now.  Candice will get out this summer and they hope to move home where Candice will get a nursing degree and Aaron will get a full time job while Gage goes to preschool....Hopefully the same school Beanie went to which is a great school.

Shitty Gifts

Today, around 1 pm Beanie's Dad (JDK) showed up at my house to pick her up for Christmas.

He dropped off three things while he was here.

1) some wind chimes that where mine and I told him I wanted them back if he didn't want them. They had been hanging on the front porch and I knew he pulled them down because they had old wasp nests in them. They seem to be in working order....missing a part but that may have been gone a long time ago. This was nice of him.

2) a gift bag with some chocolate and a bottle of wine. So....this from a guy who is health conscious and knows I need to lose weight and a person who is always bitching that WE need to drink less alcohol.  I am not really impressed by this offering. It is drug store shopping and I would rather he didn't bother. (It wasn't even the special chocolate I would have preferred.)

3) A box all wrapped up in pretty paper with a big bow on it.

I opened the box after he left and this is what was in there; a bottle of run and a disc of some sort.  On the surface it seems nice enough.  In fact....is that a "mix tape"????  (GOD I am dating myself with such comments. LOL)  That could actually be sentimental or sweet.  (Not that I am holding out, no I am just saying, "what is he up to?")

Let us examine further this "gift"...........

Last time he got me some rum it was for valentines day 2013.  (The only time he got me rum because really it is a shitty gift no matter how you look at it.)  At that time we had a huge fight and he left the house and didn't come home all night.  I drank said run over the next 24 hours and was as sick and drunk and stupid as I have ever been.  I DO NOT LIKE hard liquor and would never drink run normally.  So, this gift was just a gentle reminder of a huge fight we had about a year before we got divorced.  He knows I do not like hard liquor!  Gift of rum = shitty gift!

The enclosed disc....what the hell is it?  I tried it in my CD player and it doesn't appear to be music.  The description that he wrote on it make me think maybe a cycling DVD to play on the TV and ride your bike to?  I tried it in my DVD player and it didn't work.  I haven't tried it on the PC yet....maybe it would do something then.  I can't even get it to play so SHITTY GIFT!!!

But, if indeed it is a workout video then why?  I took all of OUR work out videos because I had purchased them (paid for them).  I can't help but think this was his way of saying "I purchased more, better videos so you taking the ones we had is no big deal"  In other words "I win again!"  STILL A SHITTY GIFT!

OK, maybe he was trying to share something cool and was just in the spirit of giving but I really doubt that since................and this is the kicker!!!

The box he chose to wrap this all in is from some women's shoes.   I have never seen it before...not a box I left at his house so who do you think might have left it there?????  I don't know but it is my understanding there is only one other women who hangs out at his house and that would be his girlfriend Joslyn. 

Wait, why would SHE have the box at his house if she purchased them for herself?  Wouldn't that box be at her house?  No doubt he purchased them for her and that is why the box was at his house.  Maybe from her birthday?  and early Christmas gift?  I don't know and I don't care but really....do you think that might have been planned?  Did he do it just to punch me in the gut ONE MORE TIME?

I think he probably did.  I may be just making something out of nothing.  Maybe it was a box his secretary gave him or he found at the recycle bin.......but I don't think so.

Anyhow....the whole thing was just one crappy moment after the next which I really think he meant it to be.

I didn't get him anything.........nothing....zip............ZERO!

Holiday Weekend

The night before Thanksgiving I was surfing the net and found a house for sale that looked VERY promising; 3 car garage, newer construction, great price, a little bit south of our original search area but still close enough to make it work should the house be just what we want, which it appeared to be. I texted my real estate agent but she didn’t respond right away. I knew she had family in from out of town so I was not concerned.

Turkey day was nice. Kevin and I spent the day with his family while my youngest daughter went with her daddy to see his parents. I am always disappointed that I don’t see more of my older kids but they are very hard to get a hold of and never really seem to want to hang out with boring old mom. I try not to let it bother me but lately it is nagging on me more. We did text each other on Thanksgiving. They did stuff with their Dad and his family.

Friday morning I went to visit Friss and we had a fantastic visit. I am so proud that he has grown into such an insightful and giving person.  For years I thought his life was over.  I was wrong.

Then on the long drive home I called my mom and had an unusually satisfying conversation with her the whole drive.  Midafternoon when I arrived back at Kevin’s house I was tickled pink to find he had 99% of the new quarter round installed in the living room and hall. 

Late Friday I still had not heard from Julia (my agent) so I texted her about the house and she said she would set it up for Sunday at 10 am.

Friday night Kevin and I cuddled in bed and watched a few hours of HGTV. Have I ever told you that I have a small addiction to house remodeling shows? I used to watch This Old House on PBS before it was cool! As I sat there in bed yapping about anything and everything I wanted to, because you know, Kevin doesn’t seem to mind if I just say whatever I feel like, I was thinking how good life feels.

This morning Stina and I ran about 10 miles and I routed us by the potential new house for sale so we could peak in the window since it is vacant. It looked good and I was even more excited about going to actually see the inside.  Maybe we finally found The One!

Today at noon JDK texted me demanding that it was time to give me the girl.  She was due back at 6pm not noon.  I had hoped to maybe get in a bike ride or a motorcycle ride since the temps were in the 60s but I lumped it and picked her up early so he could (I assume) get a bike ride in. I missed her so I was glad to see her but a bit bummed that I was now stuck at home.  It always feels like he has so much more freedom than I do and at times it really bother me especially since the whole time we were married I did all the heavy lifting in the child care department.

This afternoon Julia texted me that the house went under contract yesterday. This was a blow. I have really struggled to keep this news from ruining my day.

Quick Update

Last Saturday STBX had his mom and dad over to celebrate Easter. While they were there they helped him spruce up the place by planting the new pots he purchased for the patio because I took the old ones I had purchased with me. It was the first time they have visited since I moved out. I hope the visit went well for all of them. I am sure it was a bit awkward. The new plants looked good but more importantly; it's another sign that he plans to stay which makes my “house sale” feels more secure.

Easter Sunday I dressed up the 6 year old in her pretty new Easter dress and went down to visit her incarcerated brother. She looked so cute.  I felt bad that I didn’t have a nicer family outing to offer her. We did have a great visit which was long overdue. It is always nice to chat with my eldest child; he is so wise and thoughtful. After the visit Beanie and I were both tired so of course she napped the whole 40 minute drive home and I didn’t so once I got home, I wanted to rest and she wanted to “do something”. The balance of the day was focused on entertaining her while still trying to get at least some of my chores / projects done. In the long run I was frustrated, tired and not so happy about the whole single parent role.

Monday she did not have school so I just took her to work with me. We stopped by her Dad’s on the way to get the DVD player so I was late to work. Luckily she was content to watch movies until 3 when her dad came and fetched her. Usually I have him pick her up at noon but he said he was super busy at work and, as usual, I was accommodating. When he picked her up he took the DVD player with him (he had purchased it a few years ago). This is another divorce dilemma......do I go buy one for my house? I usually get stuck bringing her to work with me many times a year. Do I continue to borrow it from him? With better planning I probably could have gotten him to bring it to me when he brought the girl home, but I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Planning is so much more important now. I really hate all this crap. Depressing.

Monday evening Kevin and I relaxed and watched DWTS. It is one of his favorite shows. (Tough guy is really a softy.) Tuesday evening we attended a charity dinner that his employer was sponsoring. It was so nice to go out on a fancy “date” like a real couple. I even curled my hair!

Wednesday I was exhausted which is probably why the whole day seemed depressing. STBX has started reviewing the divorce papers and I tried to make an appointment with him to discuss them. Of course making plans with him always goes poorly and leaves me frustrated. Then I went to get Beanie for dance class and she was cranky and didn’t want to go. I needed to go to the grocery store (something she usually hates to do) so I offered her that as an alternative. She chose shopping over dance class and I just went for it. I didn’t have it in me to make her go to dance.

So STBX won’t comment on the divorce papers via email, says he wants to discuss in person, and yet won’t nail down a time or place to meet. If I offer a plan to meet it is not to his liking which is so typical. Twelve more years of his crap. Blah

This morning, on my way to work, I drove my car through a very orange traffic light only to look up and see a police officer right behind me. CRAP! I was certain he would pull me over so I turned down the next street and to my surprise he did not turn behind me. Now that made my day!!

Work will be busy over the next month which means I will have less time to post. One of these days I need to get decent internet at home so I can blog in the evening. Until then, know I read your blog daily even if I don’t comment.

Thanksgiving 2013

As usual we spent Thanksgiving at my husband’s parent’s house. They are nice people that mean well but of course they are “different” and it’s not my favorite place to spend a lot of time. Let me explain.

We arrive and grandma comes rushing to the door and gushes and gushes she is so glad to see us. She goes on and on with hugs and wails of “oh it is so good to see you!” Now I was raised in a family that showed ZERO outward affection so this sort of overt outpouring of joy at my mere presence makes me feel all off balance. I know she is trying to be nice but it seems so over the top to me. Makes me want to back up and call the guys in white coats. BUT I do realize this is just a matter of opinion. NO one is right or wrong, just different.

When we arrive Grandpa makes an obligatory appearance to say hi. He stands back and looks a bit impatient. He obviously can’t wait to get back to his own thing. He is not a gusher at all. Soon he disappears only to reappear when there is food being served or he is specifically summoned.

Before long Grandma is focusing 100% on her only grandchild; the light of her life; the most precious peach ever plucked. This again is not bad, but it gets worse as the day wears on and grandma wears out but continues jumping through flaming hoops with no breaks in order to satisfy the ever more demanding and selfish 6 year old who is now reveling in the attention and the power she is wielding over the adults. I sit alone nearby, bored out of my mind, watching TV and must actively keep myself from intervening. I know that this is how they both want it and I try hard to let her be the grandma she wants to be. She is old and I know it won’t be long before she is gone and I want them to have as much quality time with each other as possible.

Still, it is hard for me. We struggle to keep this “only” child from being a brat and Grandma’s attitude towards her is not helping. Again, I was brought up in a very different world. In my family, children are not human and don’t count for a thing. They are little bothers that are required to be quiet, stay out of the way and act RESPECTFUL at all time to the adults who are present.

When I was growing up, holidays were when the adults gathered to see each other and the kids played and NONE of the adults entertained us. Sure they might get out a box of toys for us or let us chop something to be helpful in the kitchen, but they did not have planned activities arranged to fill our whole day with stimulating fun.

That’s another thing…..when did society decide that children had to be “stimulated” all day or we were not being good (grand)parents?  My husband and his family feel you should be reading to the child or offering her crafts or cooking projects or doing something educational with her every waking moment. I think kids need to learn to entertain themselves and they need to have veg-out time too. I remember as a kid playing by myself with the Dixie cups in the bathroom or making up games with my brother. Adults NEVER entertained us!

Add to this that Grandma is THE BIGGEST food pusher ever. She has always been this way and I think that is partly why my husband has such a messed up relationship with food. Grandma lost about 50 pounds over the last few years so she is not as bad as she used to be but she is STILL really bad. She had 2 pies, an apple crisp, ice cream and pumpkin bread, ham, turkey (with all the trimmings) and a lasagna, pancakes and sausage for breakfast each day and much, much, more and that was for 3 adults for just 2 days. (She doesn’t eat because she is on Weight Watchers) WAY TOO MUCH FOOD.

And she bought me special creamer….which I don’t want. And she got my favorite ice cream…..which I don’t need especially when there are already two pies. And she always has nuts, chips and fruit out on the table. She offered Beanie chocolate pie no less than 5 times per day. It’s ridiculous!

On Friday we had lunch around 2 pm and she had dinner on the table at 5. I wasn’t even slightly hungry but I did not want to be rude so I sat at the table and ate what they served me. My stomach was in pain when we finally left for home. And, she thought I was getting sick because I was not eating more and didn’t want to go shopping on Black Friday!!

On the way home I discussed it with my husband. He was nice and listened and explained that his mother means well and is just trying to be nice and make sure we have a memorable holiday.

I know I am just being an ungrateful bitch to complain. But still it is like a two day torture fest for me. I don’t want to, or need to, eat like that. (No one does EVER.) I hate to sit alone for hours on end and watch TV.   (I should go read a book.)  Husband disappears just like his father and I am left alone the whole time. I hate it.

In the final analysis I am grateful that Husband’s mother loves Beanie especially since my mother has no interest what so ever in her.

PS – I think I could take it for one day….but two was just too much. Next year, if there is one, I will certainly stay only one day even if I have to drive myself and make excuses to leave.

Mothers Day Weekend

WOW…what a weekend.  So busy and so much accomplished.

Here are the highlights:

Friday husband got a new Subaru Outback.  We both love it!   (I am actually a little nervous that I may like it more than my Honda CRV…it has more room.)

Yesterday morning I luckily ran into some friends which in turn led to the four of us running together for 13.1 miles in about 2 hours.  Now that was a run I desperately needed!

Husband was pretty darn good all weekend.  I expected him to be all grumpy from writing large checks at the car dealer but he wasn’t.  I expected him to be grumpy for spending so much money at the grocery store but he wasn’t.  I expected him to be cranky after entertaining family all day Sunday but he wasn’t.  Has anyone seen my “real” husband?

This morning Husband and I had “adult” relations and it wasn’t so bad.  More quick and to the point which is what I needed. 

Over the weekend I asked him some more questions about why he is so “fiercely” independent.  I want to understand.  I think George and I both assume that he was smothered as a child and fears loss of freedom.  The only answer he gave me that I could grasp on to was that he doesn’t want to “bother” anyone.  He told me that other people don’t really care about his life and what he is doing so why needlessly bother them about it.  You see he assumes no one cares what he is doing.  I told him I care what he is doing and would love to be more informed and involved.  I also realize that this is why he doesn’t ask me what I am up to….he doesn’t care.  (See it goes both ways)

Today we had a huge crowd at our house for Mother’s Day; his parents, my mother and her bf, my brother and his gf and one of the girlfriends daughters, Monster and his dog Guillermo, Ramone and her dog Sprout and last but not lease, friend of the family, Lauren.  Super busy, super fun day but wow I am wiped out.  I am going to bed now and it’s only 7:30!

Husband, Beanie and Me.

Ramone and Monster and thier puppies.

2013 New Year’s Resolutions

Hard to believe another year has flown by.  I wish I could say it was a great year, but it wasn’t.  BUT, I am thrilled that it wasn’t a terrible year either.  I remember back in 2002 & 2003 I would just put a big X on the calendar and think “that was the worst year of my life!”  The sad thing is…..I know I did that at least 3 years in a row.  Everyone used to say things would get better but they didn’t.  No wonder I got sick of hearing that.

Things ARE better now.  I don’t wish I were dead nearly as often.  I don’t wake up and think “NO! I don’t want to be awake!” as often.  It still happens but not every day…..just once in a while.

Why are things better now?  Well, I guess mostly time has passed….so memories and feelings have faded and seem less real.  Also, I have lowered my expectations of life.  I no longer expect things to ever go back to the way they were.  Also I fixed a few problems.  I mean getting a job that allows me to have a life too was huge.   Finally getting back on my bike with regularity….that is good for me.  Having some stable relationships have helped.  And I know this will sound a bit superficial, but having some extra money has been nice.  I don’t worry so much that I will go broke and lose my house and everything I have ever worked for.

Now comes the part where I ponder what went right and what went wrong in 2012 and what I want to do with my new year labeled 2013.

2012 GOOD

The first thing that jumps to mind is my half iron man.  I am proud of myself for working hard to make that happen, both physically by training and then additionally by procuring the time for myself from my family and employer to do that training.  It wasn’t easy to chisel out so much time to do something that was just for me.

The next thing that comes to mind is that my husband has really quit being a total ass hole to me.  He is still a jerk at times and still hard to relate to but at least he does not go out of his way to be mean.  He actually tries to be nice to me now.  That being said, he still is the most selfish man I have ever had the “pleasure” of having anything to do with on a personal level.

Friends, I have made a huge effort to make more friends and have more of a social life.  For the most part I think I have done pretty well.  I certainly have more friends now than one year ago.

One more item I just remembered (and this makes me sound old) this last year I found a new dentist and a new doctor that I like.  I had been looking for a dentist for years.  I finally got a bad tooth fixed and got my blood pressure medicine adjusted.  Glad that is all taken care of.  I feel less like I am falling apart.

2012 NOT GOOD

So many things come to mind…I really don’t want to focus on the negative but here goes.

OMG I have totally let myself go in the last 3 months.  Self discipline is at an all time low and my weight is at an all time high.  NOT GOOD

Lately I feel more and more hopeless about my marriage.  I don’t think we will ever work out all our differences to become a “real” couple.  I used to believe that two smart adults who genuinely love each other and can live together could figure out how to make a good marriage if they both tried.  I no longer believe that.  Sometimes people are just too different.

Most all of my relationships drain me and make me feel used.  It’s exhausting.  AND, there really isn’t much I can do about it because these relationships are family and employment and things you can’t just walk away from. 

PLANS FOR 2013

My first resolution is to get therapy.  I have the name of a new guy (highly recommended) and I should give it a chance.  I have gone to a therapist before but never felt it did me much good…. besides it is time consuming and expensive.  BUT, I still WANT someone to help so I will go see if this guy can shed any light on my life….my issues.

Second, I am joining a weight loss group and I will start busting ass to get back into shape and quit doing self destructive eating and drinking.  I know I do this because I am depressed, but I also know that it only makes me more depressed.  Typical cycle that I have to break.  Today I will go weigh in……….in public and people will know how much I weigh and I will feel like a big fat pig and be ashamed and go home with new resolve to get my shit together.

Husband wants to quit drinking and I need to as well so we are both going to stop drinking.  We will see how long he lasts.  I know I can quit if I really want to.  I am not sure he can.  I just need to cut out the calories.

I should set some running / triathlon goals.  At this point I don’t have a lot of solid plans but I do have some ideas. 

1)      Run at least 100 miles per month.  I used to do this and only the last few months have gotten lazy and let that go….so back to 100 miles per month. 

2)      I already signed up for a half marathon in May….I would like to PR that. 

3)      I plan to test some longer runs and possibly do a full distance marathon.

4)      I want to do at least one or two triathlons this summer.  It will motivate me to bike and swim which are things I think are very good for me both physically and mentally.  I will never win anything in triathlon because I am an endurance athlete (which means I am not fast) but I do enjoy my tri friends and the atmosphere of it all.

That’s all I have for now.  The next month here at work will be busy so I probably won’t have time to post much.  But don't worry.....I will still keeping reading all your blogs.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Labor Day Weekend

So my husband has either found my blog and never confessed or he has an incredible sense of timing.  I’m going to go with the second option.

Saturday was rainy and I went down to visit Friss.  Of course I took Beanie because husband could not be bothered with watching her all afternoon.  We had a great visit other than the fact that a 5 year old is incredibly good at interrupting, so the words “now what were we talking about?” were uttered so many times I can’t count.

On the drive home I phoned husband and he was working on installing a ceiling fan in Beanie’s bedroom.  I was thrilled!  He went and picked one out, purchased it and installed it and I didn’t have to do a thing.  What a nice feeling to have Daddy taking care of us!  (In hind sight he was no doubt waiting for a rainy day to do it and we all know it has been since May that we had one.)

Sunday morning I was supposed to do one last LONG brick before my race and Bob was supposed to join me; however in the wee hour of the morning he texted me that he was feeling under the weather and would not make it. SO I put my bike on the car and did it all by myself.  I wore my new GARMIN 910xt so there was some fun involved as I was trying out a new toy.  Overall it went well.  I started a bit late and rode the first 15 miles in some light rain but by the turn around it had cleared up and I had a tail wind for the last 28 miles.  Total time for my 56 mile bike was right at 3:15 hours.  I am happy with that and hope to do 3 hours in the actual race assuming it is not raining or super windy.

Next it was time to run.  I had planned a 13 mile out and back course.  I successfully switched my Garmin from bike mode to run mode (go me) and headed out.  At first I felt sluggish but figured I would feel better once I found my groove.  Later I decided that I had probably eaten TOO MANY calories.  I was being overly cautious about running out of fuel; lesson learned.  (Husband later told me no more than 300 calories per hour.) Then, around mile 3, there was a construction area that was super muddy thanks to all the rain from Hurricane Isaac.  I tried to pick my way through and not get too muddy but there was just no way.  It took me 10 minutes to scrape my shoes off so I could start running again.  Wow, was I losing steam.  As I kept running on the original course it occurred to me I needed a reroute so I did not have to traverse the mud pit again.  I mapped a route in my mind and switched direction.  At some point I figured out that the new route was not going to be long enough.  I fussed about not making my 13 miles for a bit and then decided I was too crabby, tired and sick of running tocare anymore and just ran back to the car.  It was 11 ugly miles at a 9:30 average pace.  I was hoping for closer to a 9 minute pace.  That is my goal for the race.

I spent the rest of the day puttering around the house.  I drank some beer, did some cooking and napped with my daughter.  I deemed it a successful day.

Monday was a holiday which was perfect.  I needed a day to do my weekend chores and as a bonus, I could actually join my friends for their normal Monday morning bike ride.  After the ride one of the participants always hosts a big home cooked breakfast.  This time it was my buddy who is a police officer so it was kind of fun to see what his place was like.  Also, we ate biscuits, gravy, eggs and bacon.  Wow, best breakfast I have had in years.

After enjoying the company of my friends for a long and digesting a bit I headed home and hubby disappeared down the road on his bike.  I did all my chores and got Beanie down for an early nap.  Around 2 I dropped her at a friend’s house for a play date and I scooted over to the lake to swim with my new Garmin on.  It was pretty cool to finally get a real reading on how long it will take me to swim 1.2 miles.  It was 48 minutes.  So I am estimating it will take one hour or less in the actual race.

So let’s add this up:

Swim – 1 hour

Bike – 3 hours

Run – 2 hours

Total = 6 hours  = BEST CASE!!  If I do this thing in anywhere near 6 hours I will be THRILLED.

I will be disappointed if it takes me more than 7 hours.  So that is the goal, under 7 hours.

4th of July and The Day After

I am having a great day.  I am really happy.  All is good in the world.

I had a really good 4^th of July holiday. 

GREAT BIKE:  I started with a 65 mile bike ride (avg pace 18.5).  I rode with a group of friends and at one point we tucked into a faster group (Cat 1 racers) for some really fast fun.  At the turn around my average was 21 mph and that’s kicks ass; especially since I was talking and having fun on the ride not killing myself to keep up.  The ride back was a bit rough with a head wind and it getting hotter by the minute outside but we all pulled together to get her done.

I was off my bike by 11 am and headed home so Husband could get on his bike.  He was out from 1-5 pm, the hottest part of the day and never complained, bless his heart.  The high temperature was over 100 degrees as it has been now for something like 10 days in a row.   He says he did about 75 miles on the bike.  Man is steel!

BTW - this endless heat and no rain is getting VERY old.

GREAT FIREWORKS: I took an afternoon nap with Beanie and we were still wide awake at 8 pm when it was time to roll out for 4^th of July fireworks which we had the pleasure of viewing on the roof of a friend’s office building just a few blocks down from where the fireworks were being deployed off the roof off a parking garage.

Way cool.

Stina, Me, Beanie and Husband watching the fireworks from rooftop!

GOOD HUSBAND: Husband was pleasant and agreeable all evening.  My only complaint (and its super minor) is that he insisted on going into McDonalds to get a few burgers rather than taking the drive though even after I assured him it would be MUCH faster.  Our local Mickey-Ds has such a fast drive though that it actually irritates me because I don’t have time to get my money out and ready and then I get to the window and they are already holding the bag out.  (Unless you order a fancy coffee)  Seriously I have been through that drive through and my car never came to a full stop after I placed my order.  

GREAT RUN: We stayed up past bedtime (of course) last night so when the alarm woke me at 4:45 this morning I was kind of hating life.  I shuffled into the bathroom and put on my running clothes and tried very hard to wake up.  I was still feeling like a zombie when I got to the trail head at 5:25 am.

Today we did the Rain Run route and it is one of my favorite courses to go fast and challenge myself on.  As we started off down the trail everyone was tired.  Many had done the 65 mile bike with me yesterday but some had done more (100 miles) and others had competed in a running race.  Of course there were people who were just hung over and stayed up too late as well.   So NO ONE was in the mood to be too darn zippy this morning.  We all lumbered along chatting and commenting how tired and sore we were.

After a 2 mile warm up some of us started to come back to life.  I finally put my ear buds in and cranked some tunes and settled in for a real run.  I followed the boys on the B route which is .5 miles shorter than my normal route.  I am happy to report that my pace got better with every passing mile and I ended up with an overall average pace of 8:27 (my goal is under 8:30) so I was just thrilled.

FINALLY FOUND A DENTIST I LIKE: As soon as my run ended I had to blast home and shower and get to the dentist by 7:30.  I have been struggling to find a dentist I like for years now, ever since I was pregnant actually.  I am very happy to report that my check up went well and I have finally found a dental home.  Finally I can relax and get my teeth back in order.  (Just one crown that needs to be replaced.)

HAPPY JULIA IS BACK:  After the dentist I phoned Julia.  We have really been in different worlds for a while.  She was all hooked up with a guy that was just a total A-whole.  Well, I am thrilled to report that she finally left him and I could not be happier for her.  She has a lot of issues to sort out since they were in business together and living in his house, etc.  But, it is for the best.  All the other stuff will work out.

BLOW OFF DAY AT WORK:  I got to work a bit late and the place was practically empty.  Lots of folks on vacation and the atmosphere is just so relaxed.  I love it. I am so goofing off all day.

BLOG LOVE:  I read Eden’s blog today.  I really do love that woman.  I have never even met her but I love her blog so much.

FUN PLANS AHEAD:  Tomorrow after work I leave for a mini vacation to do a race Saturday morning in a small town a few hours away with some good friends.  Looking forward to just getting away for 24 hours or so.

Saturday night I am planning to attend a huge wedding celebration for some friends who recently got married.  Should be a blast.

Life is GOOD!   No........LIFE IS GREAT!