Self Medicating

It was a long weekend.  I thought too much and I drank too much wine.  I drink wine so I don’t think too much but it only works to a certain extent.

When I was in therapy many years ago, one of the things the therapist asked me is what is it in life that makes me happy?  What is it that makes me feel my life is worth living?  I thought about it and come up with a few basic things.  First, traveling and having adventures.  I love to go new places and do new things.  I love to try each new restaurant at least once. I used to take 2 or 3 vacations a year and travel to San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, etc.   I love to learn new things too which generally only happens if you get out of the day to day routine.  I used to travel a lot with my previous job.  Often to Detroit which is not all that glamorous, but I did find a little Indian restaurant there one time that to this day I still recall with great fondness.

Another thing that is really important on my quality of life scale is friends and relationships.  I am sure it is more of a girl thing, but having great friends and sharing my time and life with them means so much to me.  I am not a loaner in life.  I need and want to have people around me to experience life with.  Companionship, to me, makes life abundantly more joyful.

But, now, I am married to a loner (or as he says an introvert) and I am lucky to travel once a year at most.  Partly because I have a small child and don’t really have a babysitter but also because Husband is not fond of travel so any place I may want to go would probably mean ditching him and that is often hard to do.

And, even more troubling is the fact that I don’t feel Husband and I are friends.  We don’t share and connect like friends do.  We live in the same house and communicate as needed but he is not someone I would turn to should I need a friendly ear.

This weekend, Husband was nice and he did try hard to be what he thinks I want in his continued effort to make me happy.  But, nothing really can turn a man that doesn’t need a hug into a man that hugs his wife with passion and desire.  He will hug me because he thinks he should, not because he WANTS or NEEDS to.  It’s as simple as that.  And I know the difference and the result is that his hugs are pretty empty to me.

But even more than not having those things in my life I am mad at myself for basically trapping myself in a situation that effectively limits my options to do the things I love and have the life I want.  I have backed myself into a corner and there is no one to blame but myself.

I do put partial blame on my Husband who, if you ask me, lied about who he was and what he wanted in life long enough to confuse me into thinking we had more in common than we do.  But really blaming him doesn’t make a difference or solve anything now does it.

So, as I am mulling all this over I stop to remind myself that I need to just be happy with what I have.  My life is pretty good compared to most.  It could be so much worse.  I should count my blessing and be happy.  Just be happy and life would be great.  Sitting around pining for a past life or a different life is just a freakin’ waste of time and energy.  It is pointless.

YET- I can’t seem to just be happy with what I have.  So then I spend some time trying to figure out how the hell I can learn to be happy with what I have and quit wanting something I most likely will never get.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Friss says I need to meditate.  I don’t doubt that might help a lot.  I also know that I have tried it before and I was not very good at it.  Friss cautioned me that it could take years before I see results.  I know changing your thoughts is not going to happen overnight.  Yet I never seem to get started on my “practice”.  I am planning to join a meditation group I found here in town next spring hopefully that will be a big help in getting me on track.

My husband says he is happy.  I think mostly he is and I am jealous.

Baby

The new puppy has been selected and a down payment paid.  We will go to pick her up on November 3rd.  (3+ hour drive each way.) It has been hard to purchase a pup without actually meeting it first.  BUT, if you want a certain breed this is often how it is done.  So, lets hope it all works out for the best and she does not turn out to be a big barker!   Can't stand dogs that bark all the time!

Puppies

My husband is not a pet person.  BUT, I have been really wanting a new dog.  I miss miss miss my old dog.  So I found a breeder within driving distance and started eyeing her pups.  I was scared to broach the subject with husband thinking it would turn into a big fight.

Well, last night I brought it up and he pretty much said, he knew it was coming and although he would prefer to not have a dog, I could get a puppy.  Wow I am thrilled.

Then, today he took it to a new level........a first for him I am pretty sure.  He discussed this future puppy with me.  He told me which of the three he thinks is cutest and he even said he wants....wait for it.......wait......he wants to help with the training so the dog will respect and work with him too!!

We are going to have a family pet and all take care of it!!  WOOT WOOT

Beanie is going to love having a puppy.  I am going to hate the work, but love the dog. 

So, I can't pick between the three.  Top dog has cutest face but she is a blue merle and so was my Anselle; I worry she would look too much like the old dog so I would expect / want her to "be" like the old dog.  May be too much pressure.

Make a Plan and Stick to It

Tuesday was a really good day.  I did my morning run, got lots of work done at the office, at lunch time I found the perfect carpet for the new “lounge” area in my kitchen.  Well the carpet is a wee bit too big, but it was only $40 so it was perfect.

After work I joined my friends at a cyclocross event here in town.  I really just wanted to go home and work on my projects or just relax in my new lounge.  I was looking forward to seeing husband too!  That’s rare.  BUT, Tuesday I am scheduled for cycling so I went.  It was fun except I called a girl named Annie by the wrong name which was embarrassing.  I had her confused with another girl, and in my defense, they do look a lot alike.

When I finally arrived home husband helped me install the new carpet and was just as sweet as can be.  Lately he has been great.  I mean really nothing to complain about.  Heck he even went and got Beanie some cooler clothes Tuesday when he realized he had let her wear a winter outfit and the high was set to be 80 degrees.

Tuesday night I slept great; that hard, peaceful, all is right with the world sleep.  Wednesday morning I woke up and as I laid in bed in the dark, I thought how I was really happy.  How lately things have been darn good.  How husband has been so much better.  Really, if I feel like we are on the same team, I feel pretty capable of dealing with the rest of the world no matter what it throws at me.

So husband comes back in the bedroom with his coffee and flips on the morning news.  I asked him what his mom had to say last night (Me and Bean went to bed while he was on phone with her).  He then tells me they are not coming to visit this weekend as planned.  I asked why and he tells me because I am not going to be home.   WHOA (I sat up in bed like I was possessed) ………this is all effed up!!

To make a long story short, his parents have been on and off and on and off lately about coming to visit.  I hate when people make plans and then change them over and over again.  I like to make a plan and stick with it; more efficient, less confusing and quite honestly more responsible.  Also, historically, they want me and husband to go do things when they visit.  They encourage us to see them as babysitters and take some time for ourselves.  So this whole story stunk and I told him so.  I was honest and to the point and I did not start cursing or being an ass despite being pretty darn angry and upset.  (Good for me.)

He then told me that he thinks they just really don’t feel like visiting.  OK, that’s fine, but don’t blame it on me.  Don’t make me feel guilty or feel like I must cancel my plans at the last minute, plans I have had for weeks.

I signed up for a trip to a winery with some friends only after husband encouraged me to do it because we had a sitter and he would be bored if he went along having done the winery thing many times before.  I have never been so I was kind of looking forward to it, but it was no big deal really and I would gladly have passed on the opportunity if I thought husband or family would be upset with me.

So he left for work knowing I was upset.  I mulled over my options….maybe I should just cancel my outing on Saturday.  But then my friends would be upset that I backed out on them last minute.  I don't want to be that person!

I told husband I would call his mom and tell her I won’t go but he encouraged me not to because he thought it would put them on the spot to come and they didn’t want to.  His family plays these games.  Mine would just bluntly and honestly tell me they weren’t up for coming.  Simple.

After a few hours of mulling it around I decided that I would just proceed as planned and let him deal with his family and the consequences of their lack of commitment to a plan.  I really should not have to suffer because they can’t make up their mind or be honest about their intentions.  As long as husband is willing to keep Beanie then I am free to go and I am not going to feel guilty for it.  Besides, you know on Sunday I will watch her all day while he ventures off to do his own thing.

I was mad at his parents but now I am over being mad.  I am glad husband is trying to keep me happy and let me do my social things.  I will just let some time go by and call his mom and act like it never happened. 

Husband must have felt bad because he came home with a gift for me last night, a belated anniversary gift, a new fire pit for our new front patio.  How sweet is that!!

Teenagers Suck

Last Friday afternoon I had sat here at my desk thinking how nice it will be to finally have a nice quiet weekend at home.  No big road trips, no stressful parties, no big training plans or races.  Ok a very little race with Husband but really no big commitments.

Then around 4 pm things got derailed.  Ex-husband phoned to let me know that Ramone was in jail and to make it even worse, she was also 3 hours away from home!  She and a girlfriend had been road tripping to a music festival and got stopped for speeding; evidently, my daughter had some “magic” mushrooms in her possession.

Ex-husband told me he was going to go get her on Saturday morning so I offered to go along and to drive.  My car is more reliable than his and my head is certainly more level than his.  He is really neurotic at times.  He did not know a lot of details about what was going on but he did have the number of the sheriff’s office where she was being held so as soon as I got home from work, and had poured a glass of wine, I phoned to get the scoop.

The officer told me they were holding her for 24 hours and that at 3:10 pm on Saturday she would probably be released.  I told him we lived 3 hours away and he advised us to call at noon to see if she was for sure getting out before we drove all that way down there.  Other than that, he didn’t tell me much of anything but as best I could tell there was nothing I could do but wait until noon on Saturday and call back.

Husband and I spent the rest of the evening rearranging the kitchen and making a lounge/reading area at one end where the table used to take up a whole lot of space and rarely get used.  We moved the dining table to the middle of the room where we used to have an old table that was just a place to accumulate junk.

I found the chairs on Craigslist for $25 each. And the end table and coffee table had been in the basement.  I still need to buy an area rug and install a can light above the new kitchen table location.  But so far this makeover has been cheap and easy and I just LOVE it.  I wish I had done it years ago; it is so much more functional for us.

Saturday morning I needed to keep occupied so I worked on organizing my daughter’s clothes.  Her room was a disaster because the winter clothes had been dumped out and rooted through but had no place in the dresser to be stored. 

At 11 we went and did my husband’s little duathlon.  I had to run 2 miles and then he paddled 3.  We took second place.  I was pleased with my 16 minute time.  I did not warm up because I was distracted by neurotic ex-husband calling me to fuss out loud.  I finally got a bit testy with him and reminded him to settle down because we really had no information yet.

At noon I left the race and headed home to call the jail.  This time a female officer answered and she was not as nice as the man was last night.  She said she didn’t know anything and would not know anything until 3:10.  So ex-husband and I decided to just start driving that way.

As soon as I picked him up, he flopped the chair back and closed his eyes.  He told me he needed to relax.  I agreed and put in Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth book on tape; thought it may be just what he needed.  I know I didn’t want him yapping at me.

At 3:10 the girl called to say she was free.  We told her we were on our way but still an hour away so she would have to hang tight.  Her father relaxed a bit after that and he wasn’t so bad after all.  We talked about lots of topics and had a pleasant drive.  I was relieved.

We got there and found her waiting in front of the court house.  She was so happy to see us that she cried and hugged us both.  On the drive back she told us all about her experience and we offered up much parental advice.  Seems teens are more receptive to their parent’s ideas after they just spent the night in jail!  I sure hope she learns from this and it does not mess up her future.  They still have not formally charged her with anything.  She told us they had to get the lab results first.  I hope she falls through the cracks and we never hear from them again.  (Wishful thinking I know.)

It was around 8:30 when I finally arrived at home and Beanie was asleep which made me sad because I had really missed her.  Also, my back was killing me from spending the day in the car.  I HATE driving, especially at night.  I chatted with husband for a bit, he has been super sweet, and then I was soon asleep.

Sunday morning, I did my long run with Stina and told her the whole story.  She is such a good listener.  I felt much better after that.  Back home at 8 am Friss called and I had a really nice talk with him too.

The balance of the day was good; I hung out with Beanie and got lots of things done.   Still, Monday came way too fast and I never did get a chance to sit and read in my new lounge.

Wedding Anniversary

Wednesday 10/10 was our 3 year wedding anniversary.  (We have actually been together about 6.5 years.)

We didn’t have any big plans nor did either one of us make a fuss.  To be honest I was too busy worrying about my daughter and my mother’s birthdays to even think about our anniversary until Tuesday, the day before.

On Tuesday I found THIS lecture at  Roots to Blossom. (a GREAT blog BTW)

As I watched it I was filled with emotions as it certainly spoke to me about issues I am struggling with all the time.  And, as I watched it, certain parts really made me think of my husband who is notoriously disconnected and secretive about all that he thinks and does.  I have always felt that he puts up barriers between us that make me feel less connected and intimate with him and therefore dissatisfied with our marriage.

I decided to send him the link to the lecture thinking that he may take something positive away from it.  I was hopeful that it might ignite a spark in him or at least open up an opportunity for discussion.  I told him to watch it for our anniversary because I knew there was a good chance he wouldn’t bother to look at it otherwise.  Also, because it was a lecture from a researcher, I thought he might just like it.  He shies away from pop psychology.

When I arrived home Tuesday night, I asked him if he had gotten the link and watched it.  He said yes.  I asked what he thought and he said in a very dismissive tone “it didn’t resonate with me at all”.  I was shocked and quite frankly, immediately pissed.

I then tried to discuss it more with him and he told me that the issues addressed in the lecture had nothing to do with him and that he is just an introvert; that is all.  Then he went back to watching TV and started to ignore me with extra gusto.

As disappointed as I was that he didn’t think the video was relevant to him (and I still think it is), I was even more upset to be dismissed like a clueless buffoon who had no idea what I was talking about.  The least he could do is engage in a discussion about it with me and prove his point or better yet disprove my point.   God I would love to have a REAL conversation with him.

So once again, I went to sleep mad.

Wednesday, our anniversary, I woke up to the start of my period.  I was already grumpy from the night before and PMS only made it worse.  I muttered happy anniversary at my husband as I got up and got busy and hoped he would leave soon.

At lunch time I dutifully went to the store to purchase a card.  I figured it was the least I could do.  I started reading the cards filled with deep sentiments and heartfelt words and I started to cry right there in the store.  I didn’t even want to buy him a fucking card.  I almost left.  Then I decided to try a little harder.  For some reason I couldn’t find the card that said “you’re better than nothing so I guess we will stay together for another year.”

I finally selected one that said something like “just a love note to let you know that you are appreciated and loved.”  I do appreciate him in a lot of ways so I felt it was an honest attempt.

I signed it with my name and no hugs or kisses or anything cute.  He never does anything cute or fun like that so I refrain as well so I don’t feel like I am being all sweet and sappy and getting nothing back.  I just act icy to him so we can be “even”.

Husband offered to get some artisan bread, good cheese and fancy olives and we could share some wine(which I already had on hand) to celebrate after work.  I was all for this and hoping we might get another chance to talk.  I remember long ago we used to share a glass of wine and sit on the deck and have real talks where I felt like we actually connected.  Those seem like they were so long ago though.

After work, Beanie had ballet & tap lessons but as soon as she was done we rushed home to see what Daddy was up to.  When we got there, he was out in the woods with the chainsaw and there were no snacks on the counter.  A card was on the table addressed to _ _ _ _ _ _ my first name.  I put mine next to his.  I had put his 3 initials on the card.  I thought it interesting that no one wrote dear or hubby or wife…..just our formal names.

Beanie was hungry but I stalled thinking he may have stashed the snacks somewhere.  Finally, after a half hour had passed and he had not come in the house I fed our daughter some dinner and decided to give up on him.  I poured myself a glass of wine and felt totally deflated.

Soon he trotted in the house (covered in sawdust) with bags of food that had been in his car.  I was a bit relieved, but I was already in such a low spot emotionally.  I was hungry, I was still upset from the night before, still PMSing, and on top of that, Ramone’s teacher had called and left me a message.  I knew it would be bad news if I called the teacher back so I just didn’t.  Then I felt guilty for ignoring Ramone’s needs. Lose, lose.  Gotta love it.

Beanie, husband and I all sat at the table and carved up some bread.  Husband got himself a glass of wine and he proudly presented me with a bonus of Prosciutto ham and a dark chocolate candy bar.  I know he went out of his way to get these items that I love for me.   I wanted to be happy and loving…..but I just felt so low.

We talked a bit and I found out his parents would not be here this coming weekend so we had no babysitter.  He didn’t call them and make plans properly so now we had to adjust our plans to accommodate the 5 year old.  Not helping my mood any.

I actually apologized for being so unenthusiastic.  I felt guilty that I was not being a better wife when he seemed to really be trying.  We chatted some more and ate some more and before long he was getting beanie ready for bed and I was in the bedroom sneaking some Smarties out of my night stand to eat.  It occurred to me that Smarties are a gift from Uwe and I was craving them because I was feeling lonely.   Husband was trying to get Beanie to sleep in her own bed so he could sex me up.  I was in NO mood for that at all so I made that clear to him.

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought for a long while.  I was so hugely let down by his reaction to the video because I had gotten my expectations up.  That was MY fault.  I have to get over the idea that he is going to change.  I can’t change him and he has NO interest in changing; so, he won’t change.  I have to figure out how I can feel happy and fulfilled in this marriage on my own.  It is up to me to do what I need to do for me so I am not so disappointed and lonely all the time.  I need to take better care of myself too.  I eat and drink to dull the pain when I am sad and quit honestly it is just stupid to abuse myself because I already feel bad.  Why the hell do I do that?

So last night I went to my multisport club meeting and hung out with my friends and stayed out until after 10.  I didn’t feel guilty at all and I had a very nice time.  I came home and quietly snuck into bed and my husband never said a word about it.   That used to make me sad too, but now I am happy that he doesn’t seem to care what I do.  It makes it easier on me to find happiness on my own if he is not limiting my movement.

I just ordered Brene Browns book Daring Greatly.

I have a PILE of books I want to read. Now that tri season is over, I really need to dig into these books and spend some time getting my head in order.

Beanie's Birthday (part III)

GREAT NEWS....I survived the kids birthday party.

By nature, I am a closet organizer NOT a party organizer. I was stressed all week. 

I forgot important things...like to put the SD card in the camera.  I felt like I was being pulled in 5 directions at once.  BUT, the party was a hit, everyone had fun and I survived!!

Husband was there and did his best to be helpful.

Beanie (right) and her best friend.

There was a lot of running!

The cake was boring...but we ate it all.

The goofy glasses were a huge hit.

She had a great party and was very pleased.

Beanie Birthday (part II)

After school, we rushed to ballet / tap lessons like we always do.  While Beanie was in class I sat and chatted with Kalli’s mom Julie and had the best time. She is the librarian at the catholic school; super nice and friendly…so much fun.

After class Beanie and I headed to Yogoluv, a local ice cream shop, for a birthday treat.  Daddy was supposed to meet us there but we arrived early so to kill some time we phoned Grandma and Grandpa on the cell phone so they could say Happy Birthday. 

After Daddy showed up, Beanie selected lemon soft serve and then topped it with white chocolate chips and strawberries.  It was quite tasty.  My selection was not as good.  Daddy opted for nothing as usual.

After ice cream Beanie wanted to walk around downtown.  I was excited to do this because I only get down there once or twice a year so I am totally out of touch with what is really going on in our medium size town.  We have a thriving, funky little down town area that I used to enjoy often when Rocco was here to go with me.

After a few blocks she complained we were walking too straight.  So when we saw the alley that had been rehabbed we turned down that way.  I really wish I had taken my phone or camera so I would have some photos because they cleaned up the alley and put patios on the back of restaurants and even some new store fronts in.  It looks so nice, a little secret paradise. I kept expecting to smell a dumpster or urine but no, the place was very clean and pleasant.

By the time we got down the alley, Bean had decided that she was hungry and wanted dinner.  We said OK, let’s head home and eat.  Oh NO, that was not her plan she wanted to eat out.  Daddy and I had not mentally or financially prepared for this idea so we tried to talk her out of it.  Daddy offered her Chinese carry out and she said NO she wanted to sit in the restaurant and eat.  We asked her what she was in the mood for because we really didn’t know where to head.  She quickly replied “shrimp”.  Well rats, there is not many places in town to even get shrimp.  We offered to buy her some at the grocery store and she declined, she was bent on eating IN the restaurant.  Finally Daddy said lets go to the Greek place down the street and that seemed to please her.

She tried the cucumber sauce (Tzatziki) on a pita and also had some of the Tyropita after deciding it looked good in the display case.  She was not interested in our stuffed green pepper at all.   As we finished our meals it was obvious she was getting tired so we reminded her there were more gifts at home and she was happy to head that way.

Back home she opened the last of her gifts and then relaxed on the couch with her favorite movie that I bought her for her birthday.  At bed time she was out in no time.

So the day went great after the little bump at the start.  I thought about our fight all day and I know I over reacted.  I need to remain calm and discuss things rationally.  I had every right to be upset but no right to react in such an ugly way.  I know years of resentment are behind my overreactions but still they really don’t do any good for anyone so I need to stop.

Beanie's Birthday (part 1)

Today is Beanie’s birthday….she turns 5.  Husband and I have been busily putting together a birthday party for her this coming weekend and invited her whole class.  I am thrilled to report he has been very helpful.

Husband generally does not do gifts or birthdays well.  His parents were raised Mennonite and I think he has lingering issues that birthdays are selfish.

However, this year, for the first time ever, he actually purchased a gift for our daughter’s birthday.  This made me happy.  I am feeling more like he is involved and interested and not just leaving it all up to me.

(Although I do still feel that he has lots of free time and I am forever slammed with family responsibilities that he just ignores and to be honest I resent it.  Need to write a post on this.)

Last night, when I got home he showed me the gift; a white stuffed unicorn that she had admired one time when they were shopping together.  He was excited and so was I.  I told him I had wrapping paper and he said he didn’t want to wrap it that he would just give it to her in the morning before he left for the gym and work.

After everyone was asleep, I snuck and wrapped my presents (yes I am way behind in life at the moment) and while I was at it I put his present in a box and wrapped it too.  Kids would much rather unwrap gifts!

This morning, we awoke before the Bean and I told him I had wrapped the gift.  Thankfully he was ok with that.  Then I told him not to let her unwrap anything until I had my camera in hand.  I wanted to capture her birthday for Grandma and the blog, etc.  I had planned to give her one of my three gifts as well.  I envisioned all three of us sharing a few moments first thing in the morning celebrating her birthday before we all had to rush off to work and school.

I was in my bathroom getting ready for work as we both waited for her to wake up. I finally heard her little voice so I ran and got my camera and headed for the living room where she was parked in front of the TV drinking a glass of milk.  Husband stopped me in kitchen and said he was leaving and tried to give me a kiss good-bye.  Now I am confused….thought we were going to open gifts.  He says “oh I already gave it to her”.   I say “but I wanted to take photos?”  He responds “oh, I forgot” like it was no big deal.

“Fine! Leave!” I shouted at him and marched back into the bedroom totally hurt.  He went to his car and left.  I then texted him “photos aside, I would have liked to at least be included.  Feeling left out!”   He immediately phoned me and I was all worked up and hot.  I can’t remember exactly what I said but it involved calling him a selfish pig and me explaining that it sure would have been nice if we all three could have shared her birthday together and that my feelings were hurt.  He then says “I’m coming home to be there so we can share her opening your gift”.  I told him it was not necessary, that the mood had been ruined.

By the time he got back I had cooled off and we both watched as Beanie picked from my 3 gifts and opened one (saving the other two for tonight).  She was excited and I took my photos and it was really nice, just like I had imagined.  Daddy apologized and swore he was just excited and didn’t mean to be thoughtless, that he just couldn’t wait to see her excitement (wish I could have). 

In the end, we kissed and he left and I felt that it turned out OK…..better than it could of, that we at least discussed it instead of just bottling up more hostility and resentment.

I apologized for cussing him out and he said he really likes the gift I chose.  We were nice to each other and parted for the day on good terms and that felt good.