Looking for the Good

Sometimes I focus on what is lacking in our relationship instead of what is good about it. Sometimes I notice the holes and not the solid part. I know that things have not always been perfect but they are more perfect all the time……heading in the right direction. Today, I am going to take a few minutes to count all the wonderful, good things about it.
(Accountants like lists)

1) I was so very lost and sad when we first met. Now, I am more whole and human and happy then I have been in 9 years. I could not have done it without him.

2) I meet your needs. This is what you told me and I believe you. I feel really good that you feel really lucky that you have me in your life and that I am all you need and I am not lacking in any way.

3) We have a beautiful daughter that we both love and adore with all our fiber and want to do anything and everything to make her have a good and happy life.

4) For all our differences, we are still very much alike. I understand your need to move and be healthy and ride a bike. We are both morning people. Neither of us is particularly good at sitting still, resting or otherwise being unproductive. We both live within our means and save for a rainy day.

5) You are very handsome and beautiful to me.

6) I think you are one of the smartest people I have ever met……..and I am certainly not quick to hand that badge out to people. I am not easily impressed.

7) Your parents have been married for 50 years and I truly believe that you believe in marriage and would never make that commitment to me if you did not really mean it.

8) If true love takes time to grow and is stronger over time, then all the time we have been growing (over 3 years now) has got to mean that we are strong.

9) Things always keep getting better not worse.

10) You have helped me to understand myself in ways no one else ever has. This new perspective on life and me has been mostly good for me.

Ok – 10 items for now….that is a good start.

Add these small items to the list:
Radiohead
Iron and Wine
Fancy beer
Grape pie
Bacon
Cedar Creek

Decisions and Incisions

I gave birth to 3 kids before my 30th birthday. After that, I biked and worked out and had a better body than most 20 year olds. Seriously, I had a flat, strong stomach and was happy, Ok, proud of how I looked. I took care of myself and it showed.

Here I am on the beach in Hawaii (the x-boyfriend took this photo).



Well, having a baby at 40 years old does terrible, vile things to your body. Your skin is no longer as stretchy as it once was and once you stretch it out, it does not go back. So now, I am left with extra saggy boobs and lots of extra stomach skin. I am not kidding when I tell you, my lower stomach looks like a movie curtain (you know the kind with all the gathers).

I have lost all the weight I gained while pregnant (even a bit more) and I work out a lot. I feel healthy and strong physically, but nothing I can do will ever fix these skin issues. It is what it is. I seriously look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself. I see the body of an 80 year old woman when I look at myself. It truly makes me ill.

There are practical issues too. My boobs fall out of my bra when I lean over. If I could find a higher cut bra in the middle, that would help, but then it would probably show with most of my shirts. You know they cut everything so low these days, including bras. In my work out clothes, with the shelf bra, my boobs looked like they were poured in. They pool in the bottom. No shape, not round, just puddles of boob materials. It is awkward at best. I hate shopping now………all clothes seem to not work with the new crappy boobs.

I started thinking about plastic surgery months and months ago. I researched it on the internet and saw the before and after photos, got an idea of how much it would cost and seriously I have spent hours and hours weighing the way I feel about my body now against the fact that surgery is risky and dangerous and for the most part I think it is totally stupid to have an operation if it is not absolutely necessary. Vanity is not a good reason to get put under and have a doctor cut you wide open.

But more time goes by and I feel worse and worse about my body. I want to feel sexy and proud again. I want to look nice at my wedding. I want to wear a cute swim suit and not have my boobs down to my knees in a one piece suit. At this point, I dread having sex because I don’t want BD to see the horrid body I now have. I figure if I think I look grotesque then he will too. He says I am fine and that he thinks I am still attractive. I think men aren’t picky as long as they get their rocks off.

I talked to a plastic surgeon today and I think I am more determined than ever to get the surgery and try and fix this old body of mine back up. I still think I may be just asking for trouble and will regret it if I do it.

Decisions decisions!

Two steps forward and one step back

It is always two steps forward and then one step back. Every time I think I am making progress…….fate jumps in and says “well then, you slow down, you are not allowed to move forward at anything other than a snail’s pace”. Nothing can ever go completely smoothly. I can never just get excited and be happy with out something going to shit and coming back to punch me in the stomach. I am so sick of it. I am so sick of feeling that I am not allowed to be happy or have normal things happen to me like they do other people. It has been year……maybe 8 or 9 years now since my life seemed to be normal and not somehow doomed to derail at all costs. I am so disturbed because I am now realizing that BD can’t stand for me to be happy for more than a few days………or if I am really happy he can’t stand that at all. He has some sort of an aversion to joy; I really think it makes him uncomfortable.

My gut reaction is just “fuck it all!” I really try to just not care. If I don’t care, then I can’t be disappointed and I am so freakin’ sick of being disappointed. I spend a lot of time trying not to care. Not to care about people……situation……..my job…….all the things that I should be allowed to care about. I don’t think I have ever met someone who spends so much effort trying to stop caring and not have feelings about things. I don’t know if other people can do this with ease or if they don’t have to but I don’t see lots of books or articles dedicated to letting go of caring for loved ones and normal things in life.

Anyhow…….Then I think it over some more and I think “why should I let his negative crap weigh me down?” I should just be happy and enjoy my life and just show him that he can’t rain on my parade all the time………that I am impervious to his negativity……..that I am a ray of sunshine no matter what. I want to be that happy person; the person who is up all the time no matter what. Face it, people like positive people. I have thought this through so many times and I know that being negative, or down or gloomy or sad or depressed does absolutely no good in life. It gets me no where……ZERO……ZIP! So from a logical perspective it makes no sense to be negative, or down or gloomy or sad or depressed. It is completely pointless. But damn it, it is just not easy for me to pull of this positive crap. I don’t think it is my nature at this point in my life. I feel like I have been knocked down so many times that I should just lie on the floor and not even bother to try and rise again. That rising is futile and a waste of energy for I will surely get knocked down again soon. It would just be a lot easier to have no hopes……no ambitions…..to not care about anything then nothing can bring me down……nothing can disappoint me.

Why should I expect to be loved? Why should I expect any success in my endeavors? Why should I think I deserve dependable friends or a loving family? These are all the luxuries to me that other people take for granted. These are the simple things I want in life. These are the things that seem to be impossible for me to attain.

When I was Happiest

When I think about the happiest time in my life it was when I was with X-boyfriend. I then think “why was I so happy?” The answer as best I understand is this: First, we truly got along and had similar interest and thought alike and were on the same page in our minds and hearts. But more importantly, we were crazy about each other……..like head over heels, I can’t believe this is real in love………at least for a few years.

Life is too complicated

Why is life so complicated?
I know everyone thinks there own life is harder than everyone else’s. I know that it is total narcissism to dwell on my life as I do. But shit………..every time I turn around I bump into a ghost or bones in a closet or some issue that craps up my plans.

For example, both BabyDaddy and I are in need of new jobs. The logical place to move would be closer to his parents. He is an only child and Bean is their only grandchild and they love to see her as much as possible. They would be so happy if we were closer and quite honestly I would love to have them closer too so I would have some reliable babysitting. There is this one big issue though…….BD’s old girlfriend lives there and she and he have not completely parted their ways. I don’t trust him completely and I don’t trust her at all……not even a little itty bit; so, moving anywhere in that direction then becomes almost impossible for me. If I knew he could see her at lunch time in just an hour of his time I would never feel safe that they were not having an affair behind my back. Even if he didn’t set out to do it, if she was handy, what would stop him from calling her the day he is pissed off at me for some reason and doing it just out of spite?

It may seem that I am overly concerned about trusting him and it would be true. The way our whole “marriage” started out was bad and the scars are deep. There were many lies and shifty things said and done. I guess I may never completely get over them although for the most part I believe he was in a bad place and doing those crazy things you would only do when stressed and confused out of your mind. I know that if we are to have a lasting, solid, healthy life together, I need to trust him………it is a goal of mine. Not sure if I will be able to pull that one off ever, but it won’t be any time soon for sure.

Proud of the girls

So.......did I attend the concert? The answer is YES I did.

I am happy to report it was not so bad. Bean had taken a nap on the way so she was under control. I had a beer on the way so I was under control and relaxed. I was so proud of Ramone...she kept her knees together while up on stage in her short skirt. (Should a mother feel pride about that?) Best part of the evening was when the jazz band was playing and Bean was feeling frisky and started dancing in the isle, swishing her skirt and doing her "fast feet". She was so freakin' cute I wanted to pop with joy. Everyone nearby was smiling and enjoying the extra energy and entertainment factor. We were all secretly jealous because it would have been so much fun if everyone could have gotten up and started dancing. I know I wanted to.

Mostly just tired

My daughter, Ramone, has a band concert tonight. She is in the 9th grade next year. I know it won't be a very long one and I know she wants me to attend. She wants me to attend really badly. However, I don't want to go! I don't feel like it. I am tired having spent most of the week catering to other people day and night. Besides, I have to drag a toddler along and keep her under control which is a total drag. Band concerts are boring and it is not like I can actually hear her.......you hear everyone. We all know what a high school band sounds like. Yawn!

So I am thinking that the whole world would label me a bad parent for not attending. And my question is this.......why is it so wrong for me not to go?
Is it because as a parent I should be supportive of what my kids do? Well, I think I am supportive. I have been driving her everyday to band camp. I buy her reeds. I pay to fix her saxophone. I think I am here for her.
Is it because kids need positive reinforcement to continue on the path of good not evil? Well, for most of your life, you must decide on what to do with no one sitting on the side rooting for you. I guess it's nice to have a fan club, but should she be playing for the praise she receives or playing for the intrinsic value that it gives her.......playing for the musical acumen she will gain?
On top of all that, it is not like she is that good at it. She is NOT a natural musical talent. She clods along with no future in music. Maybe an easy grade in high school but that is the only concrete thing I think she will get from it.
Besides.......don't they always say you should enjoy the process, not the product. The path is more important than the destination. So then, her joy of playing is what matters, not the concert at the end.
I could even make the argument that if we cater to our kids and make sure they feel loved, needed and appreciated at all times are we not setting them up for a big let down when they grow up and enter into the real world and find out that no one REALLY give a shit about them, what they do or who they are. I mean not really. People pretty much only care about you for what you can give or do for them.

testing out adding a new blog.......not the family friendly one that Grandma reads, but the frank, honest, confused rambling that goes on in my head put down on paper.

Ready! Set! GO!!