Yesterday afternoon I received an email requesting a second interview for the Business Managers position at Beanie's school. I was so excited I jumped up and did the happy dance.
I have started making notes and practicing what I want to say. This time I am wearing a suit and I am going to sell myself like crazy. I am going to WOW them. I am going to prepare so much that I will leave feeling like I nailed it!!
A friend of mine informed me I am one of two finalist for the position. I only have to beat out one other person. I am thrilled!
This morning I woke up a little less excited. Don't get me wrong I want this job and I think it will be just fine. But at the same time I have been so busy even without dedicating 40 hours a week to employment. I know my life is going to get more hectic. I know that I will have a new set of pressures and stressors to deal with. I am not looking forward to having more on my plate since I already feel overwhelmed so much of the time.
I am sure that many will tell me that a full time job will keep me busy and I won't have as much time to overthink and fret over my personal life. I get that. But here's the thing. I NEED to make changes in my personal life and how I handle my relationships and those changes take time and energy. The more energy I put into my job the less I have for my personal problems.
I am totally going to get a job as soon as possible because I need that financial security at this point and I will still work on fixing my emotional garbage but I just wont have as much time and energy to put into it so it will probably take longer and be a slower process. I guess I am OK with that.....not like I have a choice.
Hopefully, if I get the job, it won't be a horrible all consuming soul-sucking kind of job. And even if it is, I can always look for another job to replace it with.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Bringing Home My Baby
This morning I was talking to Friss and he was telling me how he is getting a bit anxious and melancholy because soon they will transfer him to a lower level facility and he will be leaving the home that he has known for the last, what?, 10 + years. He has friends there, it is comfortable, he knows the rules and how to navigate the place safely. He has been happy and grown so much as a person and he will be sad to leave.
But moving means he is getting near the end of his sentence. At the new camp he will have more freedom. He hopes to once again get a full time job which he is looking forward to so he will be busy and have some money of his own. (I currently send him about $500 two or three times per year.) He will also have more recreational time so he hopes he can get more exercise. He is excited but still it is hard to leave a place that you feel safe in.
As far as we know, if nothing crazy happens, they will release him in December of 2018. On that day I will once again put my precious bundle into my car and bring him home for the first time. He will get to see his new room and we will go shopping and buy him some clothes. It will be like the birth of a baby only this time he can sit on the porch and have tea with me instead of whaling all night for no reason. (Unless he wants to cry all night....I guess he can.)
He told me that they will give him some food stamps and some clothing vouchers so he won't have to break the bank when he arrives. I think it is sweet that he is trying to be frugal but frankly I don't care what it costs; money isn't important compared to just having him home.
When I think about that day I get so overwhelmingly excited that I just cry and cry. It will be so much like the birth of a baby. A new start...together.
I JUST CAN'T WAIT!
But moving means he is getting near the end of his sentence. At the new camp he will have more freedom. He hopes to once again get a full time job which he is looking forward to so he will be busy and have some money of his own. (I currently send him about $500 two or three times per year.) He will also have more recreational time so he hopes he can get more exercise. He is excited but still it is hard to leave a place that you feel safe in.
As far as we know, if nothing crazy happens, they will release him in December of 2018. On that day I will once again put my precious bundle into my car and bring him home for the first time. He will get to see his new room and we will go shopping and buy him some clothes. It will be like the birth of a baby only this time he can sit on the porch and have tea with me instead of whaling all night for no reason. (Unless he wants to cry all night....I guess he can.)
He told me that they will give him some food stamps and some clothing vouchers so he won't have to break the bank when he arrives. I think it is sweet that he is trying to be frugal but frankly I don't care what it costs; money isn't important compared to just having him home.
When I think about that day I get so overwhelmingly excited that I just cry and cry. It will be so much like the birth of a baby. A new start...together.
I JUST CAN'T WAIT!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Just Feeling Hopeless (recap of last week)
The first week of school was very busy. I am very grateful that the kids didn't have any homework yet. (This week so far we have had a couple of hours per night!)
Thursday I interviewed for the Business Manager position at her school. I was the first interview. To me the job sounds like it is very heavy in the accounting but the focus of the interview was more on management skills. I really haven't managed a group of people in years. I didn't feel like I nailed the interview, but I don't think I bombed it either. They said they had a lot of resumes coming in and they want to interview about 5-6 more people. Then they will select 2 or 3 candidates for round two of interviews. So hear I wait. I left there feeling that it is a long shot and that was really depressing.
I had to work for a couple of days at the Construction Company because they had some overly complicated cash flow schedule they are required to do for the bank that Cherie could not figure out. She had gotten weeks behind on it because she was at a loss. I worked all day on Friday to get it caught up. It was a total freakin' waste of time because in the final analysis the company is BROKE and they can't afford to pay the bank anything. They are required to pay $150,000 in principal this year. The analysis was to calculate how much they owe the bank. I sat there thinking is so stupid...."THIS IS WHY I LEFT".....I am so tired of trying to get blood from a turnip. It just sucks to sit there with all these financial obligations and then look at the bank and say well we have just enough for payroll and nothing else. This happens all the time! It gets so old. The ten years I worked there were good. I made good money with relatively little stress. But they just can't keep this up forever. One of these days the bank is going to say enough is enough.
Last week Kevin and I were fighting. It all started on Tuesday evening when he phoned around 6 pm and I was in the middle of dealing with a cranky 7 year old. I didn't answer the phone. No, I didn't drop everything to answer his call. Instead I kept dealing with the kid. I was in the middle of making her a smoothie and she was in the middle of bitching at me that it wasn't exactly how she wanted it. Stuff was strewn around the kitchen, the TV was on and I was BUSY! After the smoothie issue was resolved I checked my phone and he didn't leave a message. I figure if it was important he would call again or he would have left a message. Hell, I figured he was on his way home and would be walking in any minute anyway so I just kept hanging out with my daughter.
She was obviously tired so around 7 pm we went to watch TV in my bed. This usually settles her down so she gets to sleep by 8 which is about as late as she can handle on a school night if I want her to be worth a darn when she wakes up the next morning. Not long after we had piled in bed and settled in to watch The Simpsons Kevin called again. This time I answered and he immediately started yelling at me "why didn't you answer when I called? Why didn't you call me back? etc" I was in no mood to get a bitching from him after the difficult evening I had with my daughters so I told him so. He then comments that if I was going to be a bitch he would just let me go.....so I hung up.
So...for the next three days we were mad at each other. He thought I was a bitch for no reason and hung up on him and I felt he was a jerk because I didn't answer his call and he was all "You need to drop everything for me or I get pissy!" It sucked and I am so over trying to get along with men that I can't see straight. I am sick and tired of feeling that I TRY SO HARD to be nice and get along and keep everyone happy and at the end of the day they are all mad at me and treat me like shit. THIS IS MY LIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN and I don't know how to stop it.
Oh...and I forgot to mention that Beanie's dad has been working 24/7 (or so he says) since Friday August 14th and has pretty much been out of touch. He did get her Monday the 17th around 7 pm and take her home with him where she stayed up too late which then lead to the little monster I was dealing with on Tuesday night. So I have been a single parent for almost 2 weeks now. I have to say I love having her here. I know she is safe with me. But I do resent that JDK and Joslyn are probably enjoying the freedom of no child while I am hear dealing with miss moody butt and I can't go bike or run or anything like they can. He sends me the occasional text about how much his job sucks right now. I am sure it is all a ploy to keep me feeling sorry for him so I won't mind having our daughter. He is just a manipulative fuckhead.
By Sunday Kevin and I were no longer fighting so we decided to do something as a family and went to the state fair with some friends of mine. The day went fairly well and on the way home Kevin stopped and filled my car with gas. When he does nice things like that it reminds me of the old Kevin who took care of me. It makes me wonder if I might be better off to keep him around. I will have more money and more freedom if I continue to cohabitate with him. Still I don't really feel like I love him anymore. I can't ever forget what he did and we have no "intimate" relations which is a total bummer. The whole situation just sucks and have no idea what I should do and the thing I fear most is that 6 months from now I am going to regret what ever decision I make. I have no faith that I will make a wise choice that I can live with.
Friss and I have been talking a lot about what I can do to heal from my childhood issues. One idea is a go to group therapy. I think it has merit. I know there is a Al-Anon group here in town and I have considered that. Also a friend recommended a church class that is called Recovery. It is designed to help address emotional health and addiction. My friend took the class and found it very helpful. I went on line today to register for the fall class that starts next week but it is FULL. So I have to wait until after Christmas if I want to do it. Grrrr
I just feel so hopeless right now......like nothing is ever going to get better.
Thursday I interviewed for the Business Manager position at her school. I was the first interview. To me the job sounds like it is very heavy in the accounting but the focus of the interview was more on management skills. I really haven't managed a group of people in years. I didn't feel like I nailed the interview, but I don't think I bombed it either. They said they had a lot of resumes coming in and they want to interview about 5-6 more people. Then they will select 2 or 3 candidates for round two of interviews. So hear I wait. I left there feeling that it is a long shot and that was really depressing.
I had to work for a couple of days at the Construction Company because they had some overly complicated cash flow schedule they are required to do for the bank that Cherie could not figure out. She had gotten weeks behind on it because she was at a loss. I worked all day on Friday to get it caught up. It was a total freakin' waste of time because in the final analysis the company is BROKE and they can't afford to pay the bank anything. They are required to pay $150,000 in principal this year. The analysis was to calculate how much they owe the bank. I sat there thinking is so stupid...."THIS IS WHY I LEFT".....I am so tired of trying to get blood from a turnip. It just sucks to sit there with all these financial obligations and then look at the bank and say well we have just enough for payroll and nothing else. This happens all the time! It gets so old. The ten years I worked there were good. I made good money with relatively little stress. But they just can't keep this up forever. One of these days the bank is going to say enough is enough.
Last week Kevin and I were fighting. It all started on Tuesday evening when he phoned around 6 pm and I was in the middle of dealing with a cranky 7 year old. I didn't answer the phone. No, I didn't drop everything to answer his call. Instead I kept dealing with the kid. I was in the middle of making her a smoothie and she was in the middle of bitching at me that it wasn't exactly how she wanted it. Stuff was strewn around the kitchen, the TV was on and I was BUSY! After the smoothie issue was resolved I checked my phone and he didn't leave a message. I figure if it was important he would call again or he would have left a message. Hell, I figured he was on his way home and would be walking in any minute anyway so I just kept hanging out with my daughter.
She was obviously tired so around 7 pm we went to watch TV in my bed. This usually settles her down so she gets to sleep by 8 which is about as late as she can handle on a school night if I want her to be worth a darn when she wakes up the next morning. Not long after we had piled in bed and settled in to watch The Simpsons Kevin called again. This time I answered and he immediately started yelling at me "why didn't you answer when I called? Why didn't you call me back? etc" I was in no mood to get a bitching from him after the difficult evening I had with my daughters so I told him so. He then comments that if I was going to be a bitch he would just let me go.....so I hung up.
So...for the next three days we were mad at each other. He thought I was a bitch for no reason and hung up on him and I felt he was a jerk because I didn't answer his call and he was all "You need to drop everything for me or I get pissy!" It sucked and I am so over trying to get along with men that I can't see straight. I am sick and tired of feeling that I TRY SO HARD to be nice and get along and keep everyone happy and at the end of the day they are all mad at me and treat me like shit. THIS IS MY LIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN and I don't know how to stop it.
Oh...and I forgot to mention that Beanie's dad has been working 24/7 (or so he says) since Friday August 14th and has pretty much been out of touch. He did get her Monday the 17th around 7 pm and take her home with him where she stayed up too late which then lead to the little monster I was dealing with on Tuesday night. So I have been a single parent for almost 2 weeks now. I have to say I love having her here. I know she is safe with me. But I do resent that JDK and Joslyn are probably enjoying the freedom of no child while I am hear dealing with miss moody butt and I can't go bike or run or anything like they can. He sends me the occasional text about how much his job sucks right now. I am sure it is all a ploy to keep me feeling sorry for him so I won't mind having our daughter. He is just a manipulative fuckhead.
By Sunday Kevin and I were no longer fighting so we decided to do something as a family and went to the state fair with some friends of mine. The day went fairly well and on the way home Kevin stopped and filled my car with gas. When he does nice things like that it reminds me of the old Kevin who took care of me. It makes me wonder if I might be better off to keep him around. I will have more money and more freedom if I continue to cohabitate with him. Still I don't really feel like I love him anymore. I can't ever forget what he did and we have no "intimate" relations which is a total bummer. The whole situation just sucks and have no idea what I should do and the thing I fear most is that 6 months from now I am going to regret what ever decision I make. I have no faith that I will make a wise choice that I can live with.
Friss and I have been talking a lot about what I can do to heal from my childhood issues. One idea is a go to group therapy. I think it has merit. I know there is a Al-Anon group here in town and I have considered that. Also a friend recommended a church class that is called Recovery. It is designed to help address emotional health and addiction. My friend took the class and found it very helpful. I went on line today to register for the fall class that starts next week but it is FULL. So I have to wait until after Christmas if I want to do it. Grrrr
I just feel so hopeless right now......like nothing is ever going to get better.
Monday, August 17, 2015
First Day of School
Saturday morning before the heat index peaked Beanie and I ventured out to ride bikes together. The neighborhood streets here are new, fairly level and the residents mostly drive very slowly because there are so many kids, so it is really a nice place to ride. She did sooooo well!!
Saturday afternoon I got an email alert for an accounting job at her school. This could be the perfect solution to me needing a job but still being available to my daughter. Cross your fingers!
Then Sunday morning we loaded the bikes in the car and went to the local rails-to-trails exercise trail. When we started riding she just kept smiling and saying she was having the best time. We ended up riding a total of 9 miles. She had one spill and, bless her heart, she was more worried about the bike than herself. Luckily bike and kid were unharmed.
Yesterday afternoon we met Monster at the lake and we all went swimming. He brought his dog and I brought mine so it was really a good time for all.
I went to bed Sunday night feeling full of joy and hope.
Then Kevin returned home after having gone to a baseball game at [city 2 hours away] and as he thought I was sleeping I witnessed him texting someone around midnight and shielding the phone from my site. I was too happy and sleepy to let it ruffle my feathers but I am fairly confident he was texting his little girlfriend. Normally he would not "hide" with his phone.
I woke up this morning feeling irritated with him......I had hoped he had knocked that stupid shit off but I guess not. I have been trying to just concentrate on making myself happy and not what he is doing. It has been mostly working.
Then Beanie got up to go to her first day of second grade and we had to mess with curling her hair. Doing hair stresses me out BIG TIME. That is why I wear a pony tail 90% of the time. I just don't have some patience gene required for hairstyling.
When we tried to leave for school I backed out of the garage to discover....my front left tire was flat. Kevin got up and help me change it. I was glad he was home to help me but I could have done if I really needed to.
Then we get to school late and I am just not feeling confident or together. I meant to talk to someone about the open position but decided to wait until I was feeling more positive.
I escorted the girl to her room and saw all the happy shiny parents dropping their kids off. Many a caring dad was present and then I started to mourn for the father I never had and the dicey father my daughter has. I left the school on the verge of tears.....I did cry a little in the car on the way to drop the tire off to be fixed.
The rest of the day has been a struggle to stay even remotely positive.
I am heading to pick up my daughter soon....hopefully she will have lots of fun stories about how her first day of school went and that will perk me up.
Her Dad has a work conference so is basically out of the picture for the next two weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADDED AFTER I PICK UP THE GIRL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dropped off my resume and had good conversation with a few people at the school. I am hopeful.
The girl is crabby and mean. I am just letting her do her thing and staying out of the way. I am sure she is tired and overstimulated.
Kevin is picking my tire up for me on his way home. That is nice and I appreciate it.
 |
| I can not even tell you how proud and happy this makes me!! |
Then Sunday morning we loaded the bikes in the car and went to the local rails-to-trails exercise trail. When we started riding she just kept smiling and saying she was having the best time. We ended up riding a total of 9 miles. She had one spill and, bless her heart, she was more worried about the bike than herself. Luckily bike and kid were unharmed.
Yesterday afternoon we met Monster at the lake and we all went swimming. He brought his dog and I brought mine so it was really a good time for all.
I went to bed Sunday night feeling full of joy and hope.
Then Kevin returned home after having gone to a baseball game at [city 2 hours away] and as he thought I was sleeping I witnessed him texting someone around midnight and shielding the phone from my site. I was too happy and sleepy to let it ruffle my feathers but I am fairly confident he was texting his little girlfriend. Normally he would not "hide" with his phone.
I woke up this morning feeling irritated with him......I had hoped he had knocked that stupid shit off but I guess not. I have been trying to just concentrate on making myself happy and not what he is doing. It has been mostly working.
Then Beanie got up to go to her first day of second grade and we had to mess with curling her hair. Doing hair stresses me out BIG TIME. That is why I wear a pony tail 90% of the time. I just don't have some patience gene required for hairstyling.
When we tried to leave for school I backed out of the garage to discover....my front left tire was flat. Kevin got up and help me change it. I was glad he was home to help me but I could have done if I really needed to.
Then we get to school late and I am just not feeling confident or together. I meant to talk to someone about the open position but decided to wait until I was feeling more positive.
I escorted the girl to her room and saw all the happy shiny parents dropping their kids off. Many a caring dad was present and then I started to mourn for the father I never had and the dicey father my daughter has. I left the school on the verge of tears.....I did cry a little in the car on the way to drop the tire off to be fixed.
The rest of the day has been a struggle to stay even remotely positive.
I am heading to pick up my daughter soon....hopefully she will have lots of fun stories about how her first day of school went and that will perk me up.
Her Dad has a work conference so is basically out of the picture for the next two weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADDED AFTER I PICK UP THE GIRL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dropped off my resume and had good conversation with a few people at the school. I am hopeful.
The girl is crabby and mean. I am just letting her do her thing and staying out of the way. I am sure she is tired and overstimulated.
Kevin is picking my tire up for me on his way home. That is nice and I appreciate it.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Blogging
I wish I could blog more. There is so much I would like to say, save, share, etc.
But some days I am just literally too busy. Other days I am just way too upset to compose anything worth while and other days I am just too ashamed or embarrassed to admit to anyone what is going on in my mind.
The only person in the world that knows it all is Friss. Talking to him daily has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He challenges my ideas and points me in the right direction. He has such a great outlook on life. He is spiritually and emotionally grounded. I am so lucky he is here for me. Funny I never thought that after years of incarceration HE would be the only stable thing in my life. I guess you just never know how things will turn out...do you?
Last week I looked into going to a therapist / counselor and discovered that it will cost $100 per visit. I just can't afford that. It is too bad because I think I have a much better handle on the root of my issues than ever before. I am also disappointed that after years and years of therapy I don't think any of the 5 different therapist I saw ever really figured out the issue I was really dealing with; Toxic Shame. I would think that maybe one of them might have been able to have some insight.
School starts on Monday so I should have more free time during the day so maybe I can blog more. I am working hard to be more balanced and aware of myself and not have those days where life is just too crushing to even chain together reasonable sentences to create a blog entry.
A few weeks ago, when I was at my brothers house over night and I couldn't sleep, I went back and read a bunch of my blog posts. They are all true but they don't really show the whole picture. I sound more reasonable and logical than I really am. The blog captures me being analytic but for the most part it falls short of expressing the emotional battles I am having. So often I can understand things logically but then I can't get my feelings to agree with my brain. I will tell Friss "I understand and agree but that doesn't mean I can do it."
Yesterday I woke up and all I could think was "I want to go home!" Meaning I just want the last 2 years of my life to disappear and go back to my husband and my family and the safety it provided. Sure I didn't get the love I deserved from him but in so many other ways I did feel safe. I felt I had a stable home for my daughter and I didn't fear that he was about to leave me or cheat on me. He wasn't all that bad, he just fell short of the ideal situation. Maybe I was too judgmental? Maybe I was greedy? I should have been counting my blessing instead of wishing for more. I was stupid. I should have never left a man I loved.
And over the past year his continued verbal claims that he still loves me just keeps me perpetually confused and emotionally balled up. I just really don't know how to process it all.
His current message is that he still loves me and that he wants us to be in a better place. He says he is not ready to get back together now but maybe....at some point in the future if we work hard to build up something we could. I know that he is probably just stringing me along for some reason....but why? I never know if he is being honest and I am just mistrusting or if he just feeding me a bunch of crap. He admits to being confused and not being sure of what he wants. I guess we are all in that situation at this point.
I just don't know how to let go of the feelings I still have for him nor do I know how to properly set up boundaries with him. I just feel like I am always at his mercy. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I am week and scared and have no idea how to run my life at all. I am so very lost.
~~~~~
Birdie, sometimes I want to comment on your blog but it won't work. I want to tell you that I totally understand how his words crush you and I am upset that he is not kinder. I think both you and I know that we should be stronger. Research Toxic Shame....it might help you. ((HUGS))
But some days I am just literally too busy. Other days I am just way too upset to compose anything worth while and other days I am just too ashamed or embarrassed to admit to anyone what is going on in my mind.
The only person in the world that knows it all is Friss. Talking to him daily has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He challenges my ideas and points me in the right direction. He has such a great outlook on life. He is spiritually and emotionally grounded. I am so lucky he is here for me. Funny I never thought that after years of incarceration HE would be the only stable thing in my life. I guess you just never know how things will turn out...do you?
Last week I looked into going to a therapist / counselor and discovered that it will cost $100 per visit. I just can't afford that. It is too bad because I think I have a much better handle on the root of my issues than ever before. I am also disappointed that after years and years of therapy I don't think any of the 5 different therapist I saw ever really figured out the issue I was really dealing with; Toxic Shame. I would think that maybe one of them might have been able to have some insight.
School starts on Monday so I should have more free time during the day so maybe I can blog more. I am working hard to be more balanced and aware of myself and not have those days where life is just too crushing to even chain together reasonable sentences to create a blog entry.
A few weeks ago, when I was at my brothers house over night and I couldn't sleep, I went back and read a bunch of my blog posts. They are all true but they don't really show the whole picture. I sound more reasonable and logical than I really am. The blog captures me being analytic but for the most part it falls short of expressing the emotional battles I am having. So often I can understand things logically but then I can't get my feelings to agree with my brain. I will tell Friss "I understand and agree but that doesn't mean I can do it."
Yesterday I woke up and all I could think was "I want to go home!" Meaning I just want the last 2 years of my life to disappear and go back to my husband and my family and the safety it provided. Sure I didn't get the love I deserved from him but in so many other ways I did feel safe. I felt I had a stable home for my daughter and I didn't fear that he was about to leave me or cheat on me. He wasn't all that bad, he just fell short of the ideal situation. Maybe I was too judgmental? Maybe I was greedy? I should have been counting my blessing instead of wishing for more. I was stupid. I should have never left a man I loved.
And over the past year his continued verbal claims that he still loves me just keeps me perpetually confused and emotionally balled up. I just really don't know how to process it all.
His current message is that he still loves me and that he wants us to be in a better place. He says he is not ready to get back together now but maybe....at some point in the future if we work hard to build up something we could. I know that he is probably just stringing me along for some reason....but why? I never know if he is being honest and I am just mistrusting or if he just feeding me a bunch of crap. He admits to being confused and not being sure of what he wants. I guess we are all in that situation at this point.
I just don't know how to let go of the feelings I still have for him nor do I know how to properly set up boundaries with him. I just feel like I am always at his mercy. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I am week and scared and have no idea how to run my life at all. I am so very lost.
~~~~~
Birdie, sometimes I want to comment on your blog but it won't work. I want to tell you that I totally understand how his words crush you and I am upset that he is not kinder. I think both you and I know that we should be stronger. Research Toxic Shame....it might help you. ((HUGS))
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Proud Mama
Lately seems that all my blog entries are depressing. So today, I finally have some good news to share!
My little Beanie FINALLY can ride her bike with no training wheels! I have been working with her off and on for a few years to accomplish this. Sunday morning was the day that we finally made it happen.
We started on Kevin's grandsons toddler bike because it made her feel safer on the smaller bike.
Later I got her bigger girl bike from her dad and Monday she rode it for a while.
Tuesday she went to G&G house and they took her out and purchased this fancy new bike. The girl was so excited. I spoke to her on the phone and she was the happiest kid in the universe.
My little Beanie FINALLY can ride her bike with no training wheels! I have been working with her off and on for a few years to accomplish this. Sunday morning was the day that we finally made it happen.
We started on Kevin's grandsons toddler bike because it made her feel safer on the smaller bike.
 |
| I got quite the sprint workout when she was biking down hill! |
Later I got her bigger girl bike from her dad and Monday she rode it for a while.
Tuesday she went to G&G house and they took her out and purchased this fancy new bike. The girl was so excited. I spoke to her on the phone and she was the happiest kid in the universe.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Bad Parenting
When I was born in 1965 my mother was 34 years old and my father was 40. Back then she was ancient to be starting a family. Four years later when she gave birth to my baby brother she swears the nurses all came round to actually see the old woman who had given birth. I ALWAYS had the oldest parents in my class.
My father was raised dirt poor, served in WWII, put himself through college and had already raised two kids with his former wife before I arrived. In retrospect I am sure he had no interest in having more kids.
My father was an alcoholic with very little patience for us and the whole house was always on alert to not piss him off. We walked on egg shells. My mother was co-dependent and encouraged us to be quiet and stay out of Papa's way if we knew what was good for us.
My father was quick to pop you up-side-the-head or knock you around if you angered him. He usually gave no warning and I remember as a kid that often I would have no idea why he hit me. Explanations were few and far between. My mother always told me that I didn't have it that bad given the fact that Pop had actually broken my older brothers arm during one beating. (I think my brother was about 16 and tried to fight back.)
One time I said "NO" to my father. I don't remember why I did it. I think I was just feeling relaxed and let it slip out. He chased me from one end of the house to the other and beat me with a thick yard stick as I cowered on my bed with my arms over my head. I cried so hard I almost passed out. I thought this was it....he was going to kill me. I was pretty sure he was going to kill me sooner or later.
When I was in 4th grade my father proceeded to announce that he was leaving. I don't think I understood at first that he was never coming back. But he didn't. In fact he had VERY little to do with us after that.
Now my mom was a single parent and I know she did her best but......unfortunately I don't think she ever much cared for kids nor does she have a nurturing bone in her body. She was all we had and she didn't leave us so for the most part it has been harder for me to comprehend that she also harmed me and my little brother.
She is a very intelligent woman who graduated from college in 3 years with an Electrical Engineering degree. She had quit working when I came along which was standard protocol back then. As soon as a woman started to show it was time to go.....they kicked them out of the office!
When I was a baby I think scheduled feedings were still in vogue. If I happen to be hungry I just had to wait. I am sure much crying was ignored in order to maintain the 4 hour gap. I also think that parents were told not to hold their babies too much or they would be spoiled. I believe I spend a lot of time in a playpen by myself.
I recently found out that my mother NEVER talked baby talk to us. I am sure she meant well but it is not good for a child.
Growing up we had lots and lots of rules. We weren't aloud in our parents bedroom, the office, the living room or the dining room. If my mother was in her bedroom and you needed her you were to stand in the hall and talk from the doorway as if there was an imaginary gate there. (To this date I don't walk in that room.)
We didn't dare talk while Pop was watching TV however we were usually allowed to talk during TV commercials. I remember holding back the words was HARD and when the commercials came on we would bust open talking. Of course you didn't say "NO" to your parents. We were not allowed to complain, wine or express any displeasure about anything EVER!
Comments like these were VERY common in our home:
"Why can't you be more like Johnny? Johnny is such a good kid!"
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about."
"You are just a kid....you can't possibly have any problems."
"What would the neighbors think............?"
"I could be doing [something fun] but instead I am stuck with you kids."
"You think you have it bad? You have no idea what bad is!"
"I don't want to hear any lip outa you!"
"If you know what is good for you, you will ...........!"
NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER HUGGED. There was very little touching going on. You didn't sit close on the couch and cuddle while watching TV. Pop had his own chair. Archie Bunker comes to mind.
When I was about 12 or so my mother went back to work. She was a single mom and she needed the money. Around this same time her mother died from cancer and my mother was also going through menopause. I am pretty sure she was on some antidepressants. To be honest she was a giant blob of goo in our house. She would cry and want me to comfort her. I remember feeling repulsed by her.
I look back now and realize she was going through a lot all by herself and I feel bad about not having more sympathy for her. But as a young teenager you really need a parent at the helm....not one who is absent or sulking.
So some time around twelve years old I was pretty much on my own. I don't think any parenting happened after that.
We lived in a nice 4 bedroom ranch home and went to the best school district. My parents were products of the great depression and they surely knew about hardship like I have never seen. They didn't mean to do anything wrong. I know that. They did their best.
But here is the thing. They told me OVER AND OVER (through actions & words) that I was not a person....that my feeling didn't exist (not that they didn't matter but that they were not supposed to be there)....that I wasn't wanted.
Hell I don't know how to heal my "inner child" cause she doesn't exist!! My parents told me so!!!!
My father was raised dirt poor, served in WWII, put himself through college and had already raised two kids with his former wife before I arrived. In retrospect I am sure he had no interest in having more kids.
My father was an alcoholic with very little patience for us and the whole house was always on alert to not piss him off. We walked on egg shells. My mother was co-dependent and encouraged us to be quiet and stay out of Papa's way if we knew what was good for us.
My father was quick to pop you up-side-the-head or knock you around if you angered him. He usually gave no warning and I remember as a kid that often I would have no idea why he hit me. Explanations were few and far between. My mother always told me that I didn't have it that bad given the fact that Pop had actually broken my older brothers arm during one beating. (I think my brother was about 16 and tried to fight back.)
One time I said "NO" to my father. I don't remember why I did it. I think I was just feeling relaxed and let it slip out. He chased me from one end of the house to the other and beat me with a thick yard stick as I cowered on my bed with my arms over my head. I cried so hard I almost passed out. I thought this was it....he was going to kill me. I was pretty sure he was going to kill me sooner or later.
When I was in 4th grade my father proceeded to announce that he was leaving. I don't think I understood at first that he was never coming back. But he didn't. In fact he had VERY little to do with us after that.
Now my mom was a single parent and I know she did her best but......unfortunately I don't think she ever much cared for kids nor does she have a nurturing bone in her body. She was all we had and she didn't leave us so for the most part it has been harder for me to comprehend that she also harmed me and my little brother.
She is a very intelligent woman who graduated from college in 3 years with an Electrical Engineering degree. She had quit working when I came along which was standard protocol back then. As soon as a woman started to show it was time to go.....they kicked them out of the office!
When I was a baby I think scheduled feedings were still in vogue. If I happen to be hungry I just had to wait. I am sure much crying was ignored in order to maintain the 4 hour gap. I also think that parents were told not to hold their babies too much or they would be spoiled. I believe I spend a lot of time in a playpen by myself.
I recently found out that my mother NEVER talked baby talk to us. I am sure she meant well but it is not good for a child.
Growing up we had lots and lots of rules. We weren't aloud in our parents bedroom, the office, the living room or the dining room. If my mother was in her bedroom and you needed her you were to stand in the hall and talk from the doorway as if there was an imaginary gate there. (To this date I don't walk in that room.)
We didn't dare talk while Pop was watching TV however we were usually allowed to talk during TV commercials. I remember holding back the words was HARD and when the commercials came on we would bust open talking. Of course you didn't say "NO" to your parents. We were not allowed to complain, wine or express any displeasure about anything EVER!
Comments like these were VERY common in our home:
"Why can't you be more like Johnny? Johnny is such a good kid!"
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about."
"You are just a kid....you can't possibly have any problems."
"What would the neighbors think............?"
"I could be doing [something fun] but instead I am stuck with you kids."
"You think you have it bad? You have no idea what bad is!"
"I don't want to hear any lip outa you!"
"If you know what is good for you, you will ...........!"
NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER HUGGED. There was very little touching going on. You didn't sit close on the couch and cuddle while watching TV. Pop had his own chair. Archie Bunker comes to mind.
When I was about 12 or so my mother went back to work. She was a single mom and she needed the money. Around this same time her mother died from cancer and my mother was also going through menopause. I am pretty sure she was on some antidepressants. To be honest she was a giant blob of goo in our house. She would cry and want me to comfort her. I remember feeling repulsed by her.
I look back now and realize she was going through a lot all by herself and I feel bad about not having more sympathy for her. But as a young teenager you really need a parent at the helm....not one who is absent or sulking.
So some time around twelve years old I was pretty much on my own. I don't think any parenting happened after that.
We lived in a nice 4 bedroom ranch home and went to the best school district. My parents were products of the great depression and they surely knew about hardship like I have never seen. They didn't mean to do anything wrong. I know that. They did their best.
But here is the thing. They told me OVER AND OVER (through actions & words) that I was not a person....that my feeling didn't exist (not that they didn't matter but that they were not supposed to be there)....that I wasn't wanted.
Hell I don't know how to heal my "inner child" cause she doesn't exist!! My parents told me so!!!!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
I found the book on YouTube!
So I am fairly confident that I have finally, after 15 years of searching, figured out what is wrong with me. This book explains how not getting my emotional needs met as a child has left me flawed and defective. It is called Toxic Shame and it is not healthy.
I really think it might be helpful to a lot of people who are struggling with relationships and self worth.
Go <<< here >>>> to watch a 6 part video where he basically explains the first half of this book.
I really think it might be helpful to a lot of people who are struggling with relationships and self worth.
Go <<< here >>>> to watch a 6 part video where he basically explains the first half of this book.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Sunday - A new day....A new begining
I woke up and immediately regretted it.
Don't you hate when life is so shitty you would rather be unconscious?
I went downstairs (where Kevin is staying) and tried to make nice. Really, I do not want to war with this man. truth be told, I just don't know what to do. My natural instinct, as my parents taught me is to put up with anything he wants. The new and improved me knows I should NOT put up with any BS from him. In between these two options is where I actually fall. I want to be strong but then again I am not good at it. I still just long for love and peace. For God's sake....I was raised in the 60s! I am a lover not a fighter!
Peace on earth and goodwill towards all!
Beanie was home so there were not big scenes playing out. The kid just wanted to watch the Simpson's on DVD and she did not want to do ANYTHING else. Boring!!!.............but what ever. I humored her and we watched the Simpson's for hours.
Blah
Finally, mid afternoon I talked her into going swimming (it was 90 degrees outside) at the lake. The only way I could convince her to go was to call her Dad who agreed to meet us there. Last time we went to the lake she swam to the floating dock which is 37 yards out into the lake. That is a long way for a 7 year old and she handled it like a champ. I was proud and wanted Daddy to see what we had accomplished. She did too.
We met at 3 p.m. and the girl showed him some skills. Then she acted goofy and annoying and I was a bit embarrassed. I was glad he wasn't a date cause the kid would have been a deal breaker. Anyhow, he told me she is *crazy* like that all the time for him. So I found out that her normal, smart kid mode with me does not carry over to Daddy's house where she vies for attention and acts a bit outlandish.
Good I thought.... I hope she annoys the crap out of Roslyn.
Around 5 p.m. we decided to leave and JDK took the kid home. I was hoping to come home and spend a relaxing evening with Kevin and just have no stress. I guess I needed the old Kevin to be there for me given I had been around the ex and was a bit *tense* because of it.
Golly was my expectation all wrong. I got home to find a pissed off Kevin packing to leave town. He had driven by the lake and saw me with the ex and was furious. I reminded him that I had not cheated and that he had and that his current rant was so far out in left field that I wouldn't even argue it with him.
I'll spare you the details but the rest of the night was sucky. We fought and argued and so much bull shit was drug up that I am too embarrassed to tell you it all.
I guess I really didn't know this man despite the HOURS and hours of talking and dating for a year and a half. I am an idiot for getting myself into this mess.
I promise I won't trust anyone ever again. (I said this at 19 and kept mostly true to it until Kevin......yeah.....I suck.)
Don't you hate when life is so shitty you would rather be unconscious?
I went downstairs (where Kevin is staying) and tried to make nice. Really, I do not want to war with this man. truth be told, I just don't know what to do. My natural instinct, as my parents taught me is to put up with anything he wants. The new and improved me knows I should NOT put up with any BS from him. In between these two options is where I actually fall. I want to be strong but then again I am not good at it. I still just long for love and peace. For God's sake....I was raised in the 60s! I am a lover not a fighter!
Peace on earth and goodwill towards all!
Beanie was home so there were not big scenes playing out. The kid just wanted to watch the Simpson's on DVD and she did not want to do ANYTHING else. Boring!!!.............but what ever. I humored her and we watched the Simpson's for hours.
Blah
Finally, mid afternoon I talked her into going swimming (it was 90 degrees outside) at the lake. The only way I could convince her to go was to call her Dad who agreed to meet us there. Last time we went to the lake she swam to the floating dock which is 37 yards out into the lake. That is a long way for a 7 year old and she handled it like a champ. I was proud and wanted Daddy to see what we had accomplished. She did too.
We met at 3 p.m. and the girl showed him some skills. Then she acted goofy and annoying and I was a bit embarrassed. I was glad he wasn't a date cause the kid would have been a deal breaker. Anyhow, he told me she is *crazy* like that all the time for him. So I found out that her normal, smart kid mode with me does not carry over to Daddy's house where she vies for attention and acts a bit outlandish.
Good I thought.... I hope she annoys the crap out of Roslyn.
Around 5 p.m. we decided to leave and JDK took the kid home. I was hoping to come home and spend a relaxing evening with Kevin and just have no stress. I guess I needed the old Kevin to be there for me given I had been around the ex and was a bit *tense* because of it.
Golly was my expectation all wrong. I got home to find a pissed off Kevin packing to leave town. He had driven by the lake and saw me with the ex and was furious. I reminded him that I had not cheated and that he had and that his current rant was so far out in left field that I wouldn't even argue it with him.
I'll spare you the details but the rest of the night was sucky. We fought and argued and so much bull shit was drug up that I am too embarrassed to tell you it all.
I guess I really didn't know this man despite the HOURS and hours of talking and dating for a year and a half. I am an idiot for getting myself into this mess.
I promise I won't trust anyone ever again. (I said this at 19 and kept mostly true to it until Kevin......yeah.....I suck.)
Saturday, August 1, 2015
CHANGE of plan.....NOT GOOD
He came home last night and told me that the motorcycle was still in the shop and he would not be going on his trip. He was pissed and I was kind. I soothed him because he was sad. I know he really wanted to go.
(Although I have to admit that I am a wee bit suspicious that he suddenly had an issue that kept him from leaving now that he know I do not want to go!?!?)
He said the dealership would get to it on Saturday so if it was an easy fix he might get it back today. I hoped they would but he said it was VERY iffy.
I got up this morning and ran with Stina. That's right!!! She is back. Her baby is now 2 months old and she is working back into the normal routine which includes running with ME! Woot Woot.
After that I cleaned up and went to chill with my friend Valarie at her neighborhood pool. We drank wine and ordered take out and had a good time.
I returned home around 3 pm to find a pissy ass Kevin who informed me that the motorcycle would not be ready until Tuesday. So he was FOR SURE not making his dream voyage to Sturgis.
He was in a shit ass mood and I was NOT up for it.
I asked him what the backup plan was and he had no idea.; said he may just lay around the house all week. (he had taken the full week off work and wanted nothing to do with actually just going into work and making a different vacation schedule.)
I have to be honest now...and tell you...that the thought of spending a whole week with this depressed man was overwhelming and I wasn't kind.
I told him that I could not and would not put up with him moping around the house all week; that I was hoping, NO, counting on the break from the drama so he really needed to have a different plan for his week off cause I am NOT OK with him staying here.
The argument was intense and draining and I finally fled the house out of some sort of self preservation goal.
GET AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU GOD DAMNIT
I fucked up though because I had no where to go but to pick up my daughter at her Dads house. You know, the house I used to live in, where he now resides with his amazing, awesome girlfriend and there cute little blue eyed black fuzzy puppy. Anyway....it was overwhelmingly depressing to go there as you can imagine.
I drove home thinking that suicide is something I really need to rethink..... I really would rather just not do ANY OF THIS!
(Although I have to admit that I am a wee bit suspicious that he suddenly had an issue that kept him from leaving now that he know I do not want to go!?!?)
He said the dealership would get to it on Saturday so if it was an easy fix he might get it back today. I hoped they would but he said it was VERY iffy.
I got up this morning and ran with Stina. That's right!!! She is back. Her baby is now 2 months old and she is working back into the normal routine which includes running with ME! Woot Woot.
After that I cleaned up and went to chill with my friend Valarie at her neighborhood pool. We drank wine and ordered take out and had a good time.
I returned home around 3 pm to find a pissy ass Kevin who informed me that the motorcycle would not be ready until Tuesday. So he was FOR SURE not making his dream voyage to Sturgis.
He was in a shit ass mood and I was NOT up for it.
I asked him what the backup plan was and he had no idea.; said he may just lay around the house all week. (he had taken the full week off work and wanted nothing to do with actually just going into work and making a different vacation schedule.)
I have to be honest now...and tell you...that the thought of spending a whole week with this depressed man was overwhelming and I wasn't kind.
I told him that I could not and would not put up with him moping around the house all week; that I was hoping, NO, counting on the break from the drama so he really needed to have a different plan for his week off cause I am NOT OK with him staying here.
The argument was intense and draining and I finally fled the house out of some sort of self preservation goal.
GET AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU GOD DAMNIT
I fucked up though because I had no where to go but to pick up my daughter at her Dads house. You know, the house I used to live in, where he now resides with his amazing, awesome girlfriend and there cute little blue eyed black fuzzy puppy. Anyway....it was overwhelmingly depressing to go there as you can imagine.
I drove home thinking that suicide is something I really need to rethink..... I really would rather just not do ANY OF THIS!
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