Another Year Flies by

I can't wrap my head around a year end recap.  But, here is a list of where I am as we end this year.

The Good

• For months now, JDK has been in an agreeable mood and seems to be genuinely investing in our family.
• JDK has been paying for my Cross-fit membership which is about $125.00 per month.  I appreciate the gesture given his history of being so stingy with his money.
• I'm earning a decent income while keeping my time flexible.  I can go on vacation when ever I want and I can afford it.  I have money to put on Friss's phone accounts and to pay for my daughters private school.  I  make my own daily schedule so I can pick Beanie up from school at 3:30 and take her to swim practice at 5 pm.
• For the most part I like the work I do, I like working at home and I like the people I work with.  
• Beanie is a healthy and bright 10 year old.  She is rarely sick and makes excellent grades.  
• Beanie has been on a swim team now for almost a year and is still pretty upbeat about swim practices.   I am so happy that she has a hobby that keeps her active 3 or 4 nights a week.  If not she would do nothing but sit and play with her tablet.
• I've been in a better mood.  I have been concentrating on working, keeping busy and not thinking too much.  When JDK acts "normal" it makes everything easier.

The Bad

• JDK's house hasn't sold yet; not even an offer.  He has been living here rent free for the past year.  (He buys the weekly groceries which he eats 95% of.)
• JDK quit paying his child support which is $300 / month.  I decided to quit asking for it each month which was always contentious.  I assume that if things work out it's not important and if they don't, I have a court order so I should be able to collect it from him later.  (Although...knowing how my life goes there will be some catch and I will be screwed.)
• I am having the hardest time getting motivated to eat right and exercise.  I am sure it is partly due to cold winter days, long winter nights and not having a gym I love anymore.  Working from home makes it more of a struggle to get out the door to run or go work out.  Also I don't have any fun workout pals which always helps.
• Even though JDK has been happier and more easy going, he struggles to engage in real meaningful conversation instead choosing to make silly comments and tease.  There are days I get sick of hearing him open his mouth and say nothing of value.
• In 2017 I spent $371.00 to talk to Friss on the phone.  Glad I get to speak to him however, the cost is outrageous; such a scam.  I feel for the people who's family can't afford such luxury.
• My 10 year old has reached the point where she is constantly pushing back against almost everything I (we) want her to do.  Things like wearing a coat, I just let go and if she freezes, so be it.  However, brushing her teeth, bathing and taking the dogs out to potty, we have to fight about every single day.
• Our sweet little rat is sick.  Been to the vet twice now.  I won't bore you with the details but I think she won't be around much longer.  
• Ramone (aka Sissy) recently got dumped by her jerky boyfriend (who has ZERO respect for her) and is heartbroken.  I feel just terrible that I didn't raise her to have more self respect.....but I guess we all know who's example she is following.  I have been telling her that he's not worth her time and she needs to move on and find a nicer guy.  She of course doesn't listen.
• Sissy also smokes pot all the time.  OMG I am so sick of it.
• I am still working WAY more hours that I want to.  
• Beanie and her best friend "broke up".  It has been heartbreaking to watch her go through losing her closest friend that she loves so dearly.  I am not really sure what happened but I think the teasing and "mean" jokes (learned from her dad) finally did it in.
• Our sex life is still goofy.....it just always feels weird, wrong, off.  I don't know why.  I don't know what to do about it.  When he is not around (during the day) I want to "cuddle" with him, but when we finally fall into bed at night I just don't feel like "working" for it.  I wonder if it is lingering trust issues.

The Ugly

• Not too long after we started doing Cross-fit, my knees started bothering me.  It wasn't long before the right knee was notably worse.  I have tried to baby it thinking it might get better.  I have tried to strengthen it hoping it would adjust to the new movements.  Nothing is really working and at times I have sharp pain that says something is really wrong.  I have toyed with going to a doctor but JDK says they will just send me to PT and change me a copay every time I go.   Not to mention telling me to stop exercising. I think I have a $3000 deductible or something anyway.  If the issue needs surgery (torn meniscus) I would like to find out but if  not I should be able to solve it on my own.  I know what they do in PT.  I may have to quit Cross-fit completely for a while (longer than 2 weeks) and see if that helps.  But, the thought of quitting the one and only thing I have been doing consistently and the only activity JDK and I do together makes me sick.  We have fun at Cross-fit.
• On a more basic level I am just worried that my body is breaking down due to my age and I am going to have to get used to the idea that I may not be able to run anymore or that I may never be fit like I want to be, like I used to be.   Being fit has always been a part of my identity and letting that go is incredibly scary.  I realize I may be over reacting but at the same time people get old and bodies break down, hormones change and eventually we can't "act" young anymore.

Christmas 2017

We had a good Christmas.

Beanie got her ears pierced and we went to Colorado for a ski vacation.  Very few actual gifts were wrapped and exchanged, which makes me happy.  Shopping is not my thing.

Last night I stayed up late working on a puzzle and sipping a beer.  Everyone else went to be at 8:30.  I enjoyed my "Me time" very much.  When I finally crawled into bed at 11 pm it was cold and I curled up close to JDK and fell asleep.  We spent the whole night cuddling close and I woke up feeling loved and happy.

One thing that has been a huge positive change for me in our relationship is the cuddling while sleeping.  When we were married he always slept WAY on the other side of the bed, facing away from me with his arm cocked under his body so there was no way to cozy up behind him.  On top of that, he had his body shaved so he was generally a prickly mess.  This always left me feeling sad and rejected.  Why sleep with a handsome guy if you can't cuddle...right?

Now, he tries to cuddle and sleeps closer to me most every night.  It certainly makes me feel loved and desired.  Of course life is never as easy as problem solved.  At our age other issues come into play.  First, we have both started snoring so on some nights you have to make some space to save your ears.  Also, I have my "hot" moments where cuddling just creates a sweaty annoying mess.  I need to kick off the covers and cool back off.  The hot flashes pass relatively quickly but they are super annoying as they usually hit the minute we get all snuggled up comfy.

The good news is we always make the best of it.  Neither one of us are happy about snoring, but I guess this is how life rolls; old people snore.  I am really thankful that we are both snoring even though he is almost 10 years my junior and has only 13% body fat.  (I always thought only fat people snored.....woops.)

In other news Beanie is getting boobs and I am sooooo sick of working too much.  So back to work for now.