SIMPLE?

For years.....I wanted a real marriage and a happy family. Nothing complicated just normal shit like a husband that treated me like he loved me.

I did everything I could think of to make that happen but my husband was not interested. After YEARS of holding on to hope I had to let go. I felt I was forced to make the hard decision to actually quit the marriage and save myself from being tortured by the "fake" relationship we were living.

NOW, that it is too damn late, he tells me he will be happy to give me all that I want. A shiny new marriage with real love, honest open talks, true commitment etc. etc.

I am going to puke. It is like he has to torture me whether I am coming or going.

FML!!!

Email from Husband

"The start of our relationship is such a minefield.
I’m sorry for all that.
I did grow to love and respect you. I realized how very much I had come to respect you only after you left me.
Although you have your warts…..you are an amazing woman.
I’m sorry for taking you for granted."

Understanding Who you are Dealing With

I have spent years trying to understand my husband and the dynamics of our marriage only to always find myself confused and perplexed. Until I met him I did not think I had issues judging people. I usually met someone and felt fairly confident that I could figure out who they were, what they were up to and what our relationship was really about. (I don’t have a history of sticking around for abuse.)

Lately, Husband has been easy to get along with and saying sweet things. However, currently I am not really making any demands on him so it is not very hard for him to be *nice*.

The bad thing is this behavior from him makes me (once again) doubt myself and my judgment of him. I still have moments where I wonder if it was just me that could not trust him. Was it all in my head?  Could I have done something different and things would have been fine? I guess I am still having a hard time letting go of the dream of a real family and loving home for my daughter. I am still crushed that I will never have that.

Then I slap myself and remind myself that I have NEVER had issues with other people and there is no way that after 8 years of being in a relationship with him that it was all a mistake because I did or didn’t do or say something. I am way too quick to blame myself and seem to be stuck in the habit of spackling for him.

NO the real issue is who he is and how he relates to the world.

This morning while reading some blogs I found this information:

"The overriding behavior principle for neurotics (me) is consistency, honesty, responsibility, and integrity (in their words and deeds); whereas the overriding principle for the covert aggressive (Husband) is the very opposite, i.e., inconsistency, dishonesty, irresponsibility, and lying etc. This makes it VERY EASY for a CA person to predict their victim’s thoughts and actions, and hence, to MANIPULATE them. This combination makes it a “piece of cake” for the CA to manipulate the victim and (nearly) impossible for the victim to understand what’s going on . . . for 4 reasons:
1) The victim is unaware of the CA character (because the CA hides it).
2) The victim doesn’t operate like that (and naively assumes others are like him/her).
3) The victim WANTS to believe the CA is operating in “good faith”, and according to society’s standards.
4) Neurotics feel guilty for thinking bad of people – so even when their instincts/gut feeling/intuition starts to warn them, in their head they argue away the realization they so badly need. Because they feel guilty thinking that of the person, especially those closest to them such as family.
People who are in abusive relationships stay there because they blame themselves. We blame ourselves because it is the ONLY point of power that we have – if it’s OUR fault, then we can fix it. Of course it isn’t our fault and we can’t fix it. The only thing you can do is face that and get out. It’s very easy for someone who has come from a childhood of abuse, to blame themselves because they have already had their sense of self destroyed. Very sad. People don’t stay in abusive relationships because they’re stupid."

I have to keep reminding myself that he was playing games with me (and still is) and it was not my fault.  No doubt his current nice is because he is hoping it will make me go easy on him with divorce and he will get more or less what he wants if I am feeling good towards him. 

When I start to feel that he really isn't such a bad guy after all, I MUST REMEMBER that he admitted to me that he didn’t love me!  (That really is an amazingly super shitty thing to do to someone!)

I have to keep in mind that even if I had stayed and we had “worked on” things, the pattern of behavior would not have changed. This is who he is and how he chooses to run his life. He doesn’t want to be honest, transparent or committed to another person. He wants to have autonomy so he can do as he pleases when he pleases and I really don’t think he will ever WANT to change that.

Even though he has chosen to “act” upset and *say* he doesn’t want a divorce, I fully believe he is not really sad about it other than the fact it will cost him money, time (when he has our daughter) and he may even be a bit embarrassed that yet another wife left him.

Lately he seems very happy being single and has a very active social schedule. (No doubt he is out trolling for ego kibbles.)

I must trust that he sucks!

Job Update

With the loss for our fiscal year end (3-31-14) so big, it is very possible that the bonding company will yank our bonding.  This will effectively end our company.

So, we have postponed our annual audit and are working on a proposal to present to the bonding company to see if they will continue to bond us.  They still haven't found out about our loss as of today but we hope to convince them that it is a fluke and next year will be so much better.  If they say yes to our proposal and let us continue to work we will then try to reduce costs, increase margins and continue to stay in business for a while longer.

I firmly believe that the owner, my boss, can pull us from the jaws of certain death as he has done it before.  I also believe that he is incapable of running this company so that it is profitable in the long run so we will continue to flounder on the verge of bankruptcy no matter what.

Meanwhile, I am networking my way into not one but two potential new positions.  Between the two of them I hope that something will pan out.  For now though, I am still working here at the construction company and getting paid well for it.  (New job will certainly mean a pay cut.)

So far, nothing crazy has happened and I am optimistic that things will all work out.

Employment

In a rather strange twist of fate......I think I will soon be out of a job. 

(unless a small miracle occurs)

The company I work for has always had financial issues.  The owner does things his way and well, often, the accountant (that's me) does not agree with his choices.  I knew it wouldn't last forever, that he would sink the ship.  I just thought we would go down slow.  I assumed cash flow would be the kicker, not a really terrible financial statement.

SO.....next week is my annual audit.  As of today I do NOT have things ready.  The NOL (net operating loss) is so big that my boss, the owner, has some experts at a CPA firm looking into my numbers.  My numbers are solid.  I did not make a mistake.  The company has been miss managed into it's grave.

How does this affect you and I?  Well you may not hear from me for a while because I will be out pounding the pavement for a new job and the Internet / computer situation at home will need to be fixed before I can actually type a blog post.  I only have a tablet at home and the keyboard sucks.

Not sure how this will effect my divorce.  Going to see my attorney today.  She is awesome BTW.

I am not happy about losing my job.  The timing is rather terrible.  This job has been a gravy train.  Easiest job I ever had for the money.  BUT, as you might have already figured out, that is part of the mismanagement issue.  Everyone here is over paid, especially the owner and his two VPs.

On the bright side, I have a lot of money saved up, Husband should be buying my house which will put some $$ in my pocket and if all else fails, Kevin already offered to pay my rent for me if I can't.  (see how damn kind he is!)  I can pay it though.

My life is in transition here.  I sure hope it all works out.  I think it will. 

*************
I just checked Craig's list and there is a perfect job for me listed.  AND (get this) I know the people that own the company.  Cross your fingers cause this might all work out just fine!!

Growing up TOO Fast

Last night was the official photography night for Beanie's up and coming dance recital.  She is not really loving dance anymore.  She is getting too old for the little "preschool" class they have her in.  She would rather do ballet than tap (or even hip hop) and wear a long flowing dress than a cutie getup like this one.

But she is so cute.

 

So....next year we are doing ballet, or gymnastics or swimming or something different.

 

I can not believe that in just 2 more weeks kindergarten will be completed!

Normal - Grateful

Easter Loot

A strange thing has happened in the last few weeks. I am overcome with a sense of normalcy. Like life is normal. I am calm, well adjusted….nothing feels crazy or messed up. I feel more at peace than I have in many years. I suspect that being away from the STBX with all his mixed messages and shady behavior is the primary reason for my change. Also, being in a kind and loving relationship has made me feel accepted and now I suspect that I may not be as messed up as I thought I was, maybe it was just situational. Living in a “fake” marriage is no doubt a huge stressor.

For some reason lately I read Chump Lady a lot. I read every single day, sometimes for hours on end reading all the comments. I am not sure why I am drawn to reading it all. Could it just be I am bored with my job and killing time? Or maybe it makes me feel less alone in the world to know that other people are going through tough times and the end of a marriage (or at least the end of a dream of what they wanted in their marriage).

I noticed the other day that I was even feeling a bit guilty. I had this odd feeling that I missed my husband, being married and I was a bad person for leaving. No doubt reading a cheaters forum obsessively was getting to me. Then I thought about it some more and realized that NOT talking to him and not living with him and not being around him at all has already made me forget how hard it was to be in a relationship with him. It is like the negative has floated away and the dream has filled the open space again. The good times keep whispering in my ear. I fully believe this is part of me just feeling normal and not feeling persecuted. I am not depressed or triggered so I am remembering the good times and feeling optimistic about life in general. I am reflecting on my marriage as if it were a normal *real* marriage; which it wasn’t.

I also think I have realized that I never trusted him (and he never trusted me) right from the start and no matter how long we were together we never got past that. Maybe it was totally ridiculous to ever think that over time we could learn to trust each other. Probably once trust is gone it is very rare that it would ever be regained. And we never had it to start with so *regain* is the wrong word. I don’t think husband was actively cheating on me after we were married, but the fact that he did for the first couple years of our relationship set the tone. He gave up the other women grudgingly (maybe it was her choice not his?) and never wanted to be married to me so he tried very hard to *feel* single. Which is just not going to make for a good healthy relationship now is it?

I gave STBX the divorce papers about a month ago and he baulked at reading them for weeks. He finally said he did look at them but then procrastinated about actually discussing any of it with me. He has pretty much been NC with me since I moved out which may be what is best for both of us at this point. Last week I did decide to force discussion about the divorce papers. I would like to get this over with sooner than later. We exchanged a few emails and I quickly became nervous and annoyed. He just has a way of being exacerbating. He throws in comments that are meant to sound nice…but sound contrived. He asks the same questions over and over again. He acts like he doesn’t understand things but I know he does. It is all passive aggressive BS that makes me crazy. I assume he is stalling for some reason he hasn’t told me. The shady evasive stuff makes me nuts and I really won’t feel safe until this divorce is DONE.

The biggest issue with the divorce is the possibility that one of us might move away. He wants to put it in the papers that we can’t move away from here until she is 18. I told him that I might very well lose my job soon and that I might have to move in order to find employment. He said it would break his heart to not see his daughter regularly. I understand that it is not ideal but we need to be realistic, we both need to have jobs and an income. I asked who would pay my bills if I can’t find a new job here in this small town with limited options. He has no good answer. Besides, I am sure in no time he will find a new lady friend (if he hasn’t already) and he will not be as worried about seeing his daughter as he is right now. At this point I think it is just a phase....it makes him look like a normal caring father. But, mark my words, he will get used to being single and feel stifled by her. It’s not like he ever really enjoyed spending time with her. When we lived together I always had to force him to spend time with her. Anyhow……..I refuse to let him control my financial future so we are at an impasse on that subject. Thankfully most of the other items in the divorce papers we have agreed upon.

***just re-read that last paragraph and realized the main reason he wants her is so he doesn't have to pay child support.  He is surely trying to be the attentive parent so he will look good on paper and thus avoid the cost of paying for her rather than giving her his time which will be easier to weasel out of later***

Speaking of employment woes it is getting pretty scary here. My company is having terrible cash flow issues. Right now I do not have the money to fund this week’s payroll. I am just praying that a check comes in tomorrow. Also, I just completed my first pass at last year’s financial statements and we lost about $1 million dollars. Not good. At the same time Kevin just found out that his company is getting sold to a big nationwide company in the next month or so. It is possible we will both be out of a job! We do have a plan which gives me some comfort. If either of us loses our jobs, I will sublet my super lovely little house and move in with him. His house payment is only $300 per month so it would be a LONG time before we would end up homeless at that rate. I am so very grateful to have Kevin in my life.

Lately I am very thankful that STBX values being in emotional control so much that he has not done anything stupid or dramatic. He is not showing up at my house to make a scene nor is he ranting at me in anger when no one is looking. (Or maybe he is just happy with me gone.) Chump Lady had a post about Nice vs. Kind  LINK HERE which sums him up perfectly. And actually being nice at this point isn’t ALL bad. He is nice but there is no substance behind it. He tells people what they want to hear but doesn’t mean anything he says. He will agree to do something but have no intention of ever doing it. It is not a trait that I like; someone who is all show and no substance, but many people think he is a nice guy. However, the only thing STBX really cares about it pleasing himself as much as possible by either eliminating other people who may make demands on him or figuring out how to get others to do his bidding thus making his life easier or better. In fact last Saturday he had a babysitter watch our daughter for a good chunk of the day and that is the only day she is with him. She comes back to me Saturday evening through Monday morning.

In the past week or two I have made small gestured towards the STBX in an attempt to be friendly; like send him pictures of our daughter via text. Probably partly out of guilt and partly just because I really am a nice person who wants to be kind to others and have them like me. AND because he did tell me about 100 times before I moved out that he very much wanted us to be friends. WELL...he has ignored all of my attempts to chat or be friendly, which I at first found baffling. I mean if he wants to be friends as he told me before, then why choose to ignore me when I do reach out to him? Then, if I really think about it I understand that he believes there is nothing for him to gain at this point so why bother. No doubt the only reason he ever wanted to speak to me before I moved out was because he hoped he could parley it into a sexual encounter or maybe win me over enough to give him a break on the house price or child support ….or leave the book shelves for him (which I did...so it worked!).

Even though I know he does NOT think like me at all I still struggle to get past assuming he will react in a way that makes sense to me. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to grasp that he does not function in a way that is meaningful to me.  

Happy Birthday Friss

Friss, Me, Ramon and Monster

Today I took the two older kids with me to visit Friss for his birthday.

 My eldest child is now 32!!  WOW

 

There are very few pictures with all of us together so this one is pretty special.

(Except I hate the white t-shirt Friss is required to wear.)

Note that Monster is a BIG guy!

 

We had a very good visit.  It was so nice to spend time with all three of them. 

I really hope someday Kevin and I can have big family get togethers with ALL our kids and grandkids and I will finally have the big family I always wanted.