SELF IMPROVEMENT (constant and ongoing)

I hate the word “diet” because it immediately makes people think you are doing something extreme or unhealthy (like eating no carbs).

But for the last few weeks I have been reducing my calorie intake and upping my healthy food consumption. To be more precise, I had been lazy all winter and let my weight creep up and now it is time to knuckle down and get back in shape for summer. Calorie counting has been mandated!

The goal is to lose 5 pounds which sounds easier than it is. When I lose 5 pounds I will be at my “healthy” weight and my clothes will not be so tight. Also, being lighter will facilitate faster running.

Fact: I have weighed the same, give or take 5 pounds, since I was 12 years old (7th grade) except for when I was pregnant.

In order to reach this goal as quickly as possible, I set up a little challenge for myself and it goes like this:
I am not allowed to drink ANYTHING other than water (and V8 which I frequently have for dinner) until I lose the 5 pounds. No beer, wine, soda, drink mixes, or juice; nothing but water. The added bonus built into this process is that I know I will get into the habit of drinking water which really is the best beverage choice 99% of the time. I used to drink water all the time when I was in my super healthy faze a few years ago and I really would like to get back into the habit. Water is free and has no calories. It is what I should be drinking.

So far I have been on this “diet” for about two weeks. I have lost a couple of pounds and I was totally kicking ass on counting my calories (1500 per day) and drinking my water. I was feeling really good about it….feeling healthy and strong. I had gotten used to feeling hungry. (I don’t care what people say, I can’t lose weight without going hungry.) I cut at least 500-1000 calories per day from my diet and I was not losing weight as fast as I had hoped, which was frustrating, but the bonus of feeling so good about making smart choices and being in control was really keeping me going.

Then the husband left town and I felt I had to party. So over the weekend I broke my rules and pretty much ate and drank whatever I wanted. And you know what? I felt like crap, both physically and mentally. A few glasses of wine did not make me feel liberated or happy it just made me feel lazy and detached. The good news is; it was easy Monday morning to hop back on the healthy train when jumping off kinda sucked anyway. The bad news is I know I set my weight loss project back by a few days if not a week and now I am back to starving for the foreseeable future. I wish I would have just stuck to the plan all weekend.

I have also decided that I am no longer going to drink wine at all even after I hit my goal weight. I cut hard liquor from my diet a few years back and have always been darn glad I did and now it is time for wine to go too. It seems to work best for me if I just make a segment of food or drink off limits completely. For example I just don’t eat anything that is deep fried and I don’t eat mayonnaise. I may sneak a taste now and then but I certainly stay away from it for the most part once it has been banned. I will still have a beer or two with my husband, but I like rules and I am going to make no wine a new rule.

BOOKS

I have read a few self help books in my day and most of them are a whole lot of nothing and a waste of time. But every once in a while I find something I think has value. These two books fall into that category.


First, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. The first time I read this book it just made me angry. Now, after living with my husband and getting sick of feeling like I don’t get him, I found this book is actually very helpful. My husband is the typical beast this book describes. I think in the past I was fortunate enough to deal with men that were more evolved, but if your man is part cave man, this book is for you. Read it and you will better understand your man’s crazy ways.

Next is “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud. This book is in the Christian read section, but you can just skip over the bible quotes if you don’t find them necessary (which is what I do). The book is full of practical, real advice on making a better marriage and hell just being a better person. In fact, there are more than one “boundaries” book so you can find one that applies to your relationship issue whatever that may be. I bought this book and have studied it a lot. Very useful.

What's Rolling around in My Head

Yesterday morning as I was driving my super crabby almost 4 year old to school I was really wanting to just change my name and move away. It is so incredibly draining when you are trying to be nice to a kid and they are just never happy. They cry and moan and complain over nothing and you have to just muddle through and rush them off to school before you slit your wrists. I really may not have the patience a mother of 4 should have!

The teens are driving me nuts too. Trying to keep them in line enough to get them to adult hood is a daunting and exhausting task. Seems that I must remind myself on a regular basis that it is their life and not mine and if they choose to eff it up IT IS THEIR LIFE AND NOT MINE!

Summer is particularly bad because they don’t have enough to do to keep them busy. Ramone doesn’t even have a job and Monster only works part time. He needs to be getting his act together for college and he recently purchased a new used car and turned around and wrecked it just 3 days later. I am now dishing out the $3500 to put the car back together. BUMMER; on the bright side I never gave him a graduation gift so………..“Happy graduation boy, here is your car back in one piece.”

Last night I got a text from Mr. S. It was one word, a code word that means my heart belongs to you. It made me feel good. I didn’t answer it. I went back to sleep and had a long weird dream about him. In this dream, his wife was there and we were on our best behavior cause she was watching and she KNEW. She was nice to me though. It was just weird. But, it was nice to see Mr. S even if it was just in a dream. I admittedly don’t think about him much these days, but the new guy I met Saturday night knows Mr. S from his church and Sunday when I was running I saw a guy that reminded me of him so he has been on my mind these last few days.

This morning, I was so excited to get up and run. It is like the freedom of not having my husband to deal with has unleashed a new zest for life in me. Last night I went to the library and selected whatever movies I wanted knowing he would not complain or judge. I can watch whatever I want this week. I am in control of the house, the lights, the temperature. There is no one creating messes I have to deal with or ignore. The minute he left I took all his left over crap that he had pulled out to pack and then not taken with him and shoved it in a box and put it in a closet. GONE. Ahh. I guess I do like to have thing my way. LOL

The lesson I am wanting to take away from this is that I need to be more like I am this week even when he gets back. He really doesn’t care what I do so I should do more of what I want to. Generally I try not to be too “Free” since I am actually married to the guy you know. I try not to do things to him I would not want done to me. But that logic is probably silly since I know he does not look at things like I do.

I’ve been thinking………back when I was single I felt so alone, but I am now realizing that I wasn’t lonely for the most part. I did lots of activities and hung out with friends often; or I worked a lot (way back in the day which was depressing in itself). The thing I hated the most about being single was that I could work all weekend and be driving home on Sunday afternoon and know that no one cared. No one missed me. No one would notice if I never came home. It made me feel so alone in the world.

Happy to be Busy

Last night I went to a local hang out where they serve frozen fruity drinks with liquor in them.. I went with a male running friend. Seems most of my friends are running friends since that is about the only time I get out of the house. The girl friends I would have loved to have spent time with were either out of town or busy with weddings or something.

I drank two of those darn fruity drinks and they just gave me a stomach ache; too much sugar. They tasted good though. I ran into a few people I knew which was cool, even made a new friend named Tim. I actually felt like I was on the scene for the first time since I got pregnant over 5 years ago. (I didn’t doing anything embarrassing either.)

A storm rolled in around 9 p.m. so we got chased off the patio and I headed home so my car would not get hailed on. I didn’t really mind as I am not a late night person!

------------------------

This morning my alarm went off at five. I made a pot of coffee and prepared to run. It looked rainy out but I was not concerned, I was going anyway.

At 6 on the dot I pulled up in front of Stina’s house. We briefly discussed strategy/ course and headed out for a 9 mile run with a big hill near the end. The rain held off and we had a great time.

After the run we were out front talking and her husband stuck his head out the door and snapped this photo.


Next I raced home, ate something and put on my cycling clothes…..off to meet a group for a Big Tree loop. It was still cool and overcast and I was really looking forward to SITTING on my bike. Yea, my legs were tired. While out on the bike the sun came out and it turned out to be a beautiful morning. Luckily we never had much wind.

23 hilly miles later I was loading my bike back on the car and racing home to shower and then go pick up my Bean. I arrived at the rendezvous location about 5 minutes late. I now know it takes over an hour to get there. We met at the McDonalds and I was sure glad to see my little girl. She was wearing a Rapunzel dress and looked adorable. Grandma and Grandpa had obviously taken good care of her all weekend.

Once back home, after we unpacked, we cuddled, watched a movie and rested for a bit.

Next up was a trip to see Julia’s new house. She recently moved in with her fiancé Don and his daughter Taylor. Taylor is 5 and had the best time showing Beanie her room and all her toys. They ran all over that big house so many times I bet they put in a few miles in total.

The house is really great. Perfect floor plan and Don put all new hard wood and tile floors in. When I was there he was tiling the back splash. This guy is a hard worker!! Everything has a fresh coat of paint and I just love the colors they chose. The property backs to a lake so next time we go over we will have to go out in the boat.

It was sure nice to see Julia and her new place. Lately she is so busy we don’t get to hang out much.

Bean and I were home and in bed by the 9 p.m. news. It was a perfect end to a super weekend.

Race Report

It was the perfect temperature for running, but the persistent rain made it rather unpleasant as a few dozen racers headed out from the starting line of the annual 5K/10K race.

I felt pretty good as I settled into a groove but I was wishing I had a hat so that the rain would not hit my face. I picked up my pace a bit but was afraid to consult my Garmin and make decisions based on numbers. I hoped to just run as fast as I could and then see how I did when it was all over.

Near the end of lap one (5k) the girl in front of me took off and the one behind me passed me. I am sure they were “beating” me but I was not concerned. I was racing against my own time and felt if I went much faster I would run out of steam before the end.

At the half way point I noted it was not yet three mile so once again the course was short. The rain had finally stopped, but the wind had picked up and was brutal.

Next there was a large dog that bothered me for a while. He seemed overly friendly and I was very worried he would trip me as he was running back and forth around me.

I finally peaked at my heart rate and it said 172 so I knew I was working hard and was close to blowing up. I tried not to think about it and pressed on.

As I neared midpoint on my second lap, the wind was so bad that occasionally I had to fight to stay upright. Why is it that no matter where you run/ride there is more head wind than tail wind? Not once did it seem that the wind was helping on this course…..it was always at my face.

By now my right foot was having sharp pains so I decided to walk for a short bit since the wind almost had me at a standstill anyway. Curling my toes can really relieve the pain. I started running again but felt pretty drained.

As I neared the finish line I tried to give it my all and finished strong. Not just for my time, but because people are WATCHING you!

Total race was only 5.25 miles. My average pace was 8:32 and my average heart rate was 166. Second lap was a bit slower, but my heart rate was higher. I am blaming it on the wind.

I am satisfied with how I did but not thrilled. I would really like to get my pace closer to 8 minute miles.



I was demonstrating how windy it was!

Alone at Last

Today my husband left for a 10 day vacation to Canada to paddle his boat in some remote area where there will be no options other than to catch and cook his own food. There will also be leaches and mosquitoes. YUCK

This morning he was not particularly pleasant or loving as he packed his SUV to leave, which left me feeling down. Also, he took Bean to his parents for the weekend so at first I was overwhelmed a bit by the sudden departure of my whole family. (can you say abandonment issues?)

On the drive to work I fretted about if I would find anything to do or if I would be bored and lonely the whole time he is gone. I had visions of me moping around the house because I had no one to call or worse yet I had thoughts of me going out and then doing something embarrassing. Why am I so loaded with self doubt? It has been about 5 years since I was out on the town so I am totally out of practice.

By noon I was pretty much over it and determined to make the best of my 48 hours of freedom. (the kid comes back on Sunday afternoon) I busily contacted everyone I thought might be even remotely interested in hanging out and finally found something to do.

My boss let me off work early so I dashed in the grocery store on the way home to assure the house was well stocked with some healthy choices for the following week. (Usually hubby does the grocery shopping). Next I went to the gym and lifted weights because I knew that I would not make it to my favorite class tomorrow morning. I am signed up for a 10k race.

At 7:30 I met an old coworker at a local dive that some other old coworkers own. They have terrible food and a poor beer selection so I knew it would be a good spot to chat (not crowded) and not over indulge (race tomorrow). I had a beer and he caught me up on his life’s story. It has been more than 10 years since we worked together so we had plenty of time to cover.

My computer tech friend is bit older than me with a 22 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. His wife left him about a year ago. He had all the typical stories of woe that I have heard a hundred times. I told him many of my dramas from the past few years as well. I knew exactly what he was going through and offered a kind ear and plenty of sympathy. I realized he is still really struggling and I am not so bad off these days.

Around 9:30 I declared it time for the race girl to go home so we said our good-byes and he drove off in a very cool black convertible Audi TT. Really nothing too exciting happened, but I was happy to be out of the house.

Back home I chatted on the phone with another friend or two before I finally even had a chance to get my rest. Morning would be too early but, I was having fun.