Moving Delayed and Reflecting on My Life

My move has been pushed back to Monday the 17th. To say I can’t wait is an understatement. Even Husband said he is looking forward to it so we get out of this “limbo” we are currently in.

This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.

KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.

Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.

Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”

One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.

I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!

I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.

I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.

I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:

1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.

2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.

Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.

I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.

I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it.  I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE.  I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore. 

Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat.  When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.

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I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!!  Wish me luck.

The Fun Never Stops

Yesterday (Monday) morning I took my 6 year old to work with me. Her school takes off the whole week of Thanksgiving. At noon we went home, I fed her lunch and then we laid down so she would take a nap. Right on queue her father arrived at 1 pm and I left him in charge of sleeping beauty and returned to work. After work I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few items and headed home. When I got there both of them were gone. I assumed they went to the gym so he could work out.  I also assumed they would be home shortly.

By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.

Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!

Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.

They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.

Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.

Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.

My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.

==============================


This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.  

I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)

Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”

Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.

I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.

So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.

(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)

It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.

Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.

I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?

My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!

Rewriting History

Yesterday there was some more drama regarding Uwe. I won’t bore you with the details but the guy is a freaking narcissistic jerk who is always accusing me of doing lowly things and then says if I don't deny it it must be true.  (I try very hard not humor him with an argument.)

Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF

Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.

So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.

Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.

Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.

So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.

I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.

What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me?  Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind?  Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :(  He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.

At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama! 
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML

Living

Today we went for a 3 hour motorcycle ride.

It was glorious, a beautiful, sunny fall day.

 My iPod loaded with my favorite tunes.

 My favorite person vigilantly piloting his Harley through the countryside.

 

 

 

Two people happy as hell to be with each other.

He's a BIG JERK

It was 9:30 when I received an email from Uwe asking me if I wanted to meet for lunch. I replied right away “sure…what did you have in mind?” He never responded.

Then about 11 am I messaged him on my phone “lunch?” He responded that he was going to swim real quickly and would contact me after.

A little before noon I saw he was on Facebook so obviously he was not swimming and had not bother to get a hold of me. I decided that if he made NO contact by 12 noon straight up I would just consider it too late. Obviously he wasn’t that interested in meeting for lunch.

So, at 12:04 I texted him “Getting late so I will just eat here” I am actually very busy here at work so it is for the best…I need to focus on work this week.

At 12:15 he texts me “GEEZ :(” “have a nice day”

So I ask you…..really??……am I wrong to be pissy or upset by this. I am doing my best to be kind loving and accepting. I waited to discuss a plan for lunch until noon. Which by the time we discussed and I left would have put me at eating around 12:30 or later. I get up at 5 and so does he so that is rather late.

I am so tired of him trying to make me feel like I never do anything right. Obviously he didn't want to do lunch and then try to turn the guilt on me.

I was feeling hurt but now that I typed this up I am just mad. I am sick of his shit. I need to just put him out of my mind and cross him off the friend list. He obviously has no respect for me and I need to recognize this for what it is and move on!

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UPDATE:
so i was pissed and we had a huge fight this afternoon. Things were said that basically confirm that he is a jerk and we are no longer friends. I am upset for a number of reasons and it is stressing me out way too much.
Here are some thoughts:
1) how can this person who is damn nice to most everyone else be so mean to me?
2) how can this person who was VERY nice to me for the first year of our friendship now be so mean to me?
3) Why don't I stand up for myself more....why do I let people treat me poorly like this? I think over time I have allowed him to disrespect me and now, guess what, he has no respect for me.
4) I know the pivotal moment in our relationship....it was when he yelled at me when I had my ear buds on while we were running. Why didn't i tell him off then instead of dissolving into a weepy pile of mush?
5) How can a person make another person cry and not feel bad about it???
6) I know I have issues with abandonment and this pushes all my buttons...I am litteraly physically ill from all this!

WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE TURN ON ME???

Diet Pills

Saturday I met Uwe to drive together to a group cycling event. When I picked him up I was nervous that he would be snippy with me again. Luckily he was trying hard to be nice.

He told me he had only slept 4 hours again. That he has been staying up until 1 am and then waking up at 5 without an alarm.

Later in the car he told me the new “nutrition” drink he has been using has really helped him snack less and he has lost almost 10 pounds in the last few weeks.

I finally put it all together and voila….the new energy drink must have stimulants in them therefore, he is not sleeping well and acting all edgy.

Or to put it another way “He is all hopped up on diet pills!” BUT he thinks he is drinking an “all natural nutrition beverage” made with Moringa. It’s expensive and he has been tricked into thinking it is making him healthier cause he is now full of energy, losing weight and needing less sleep.

He is usually a pretty on-the-ball kind of guy so I am really confused how he has fallen for this stuff. He has even decided to try and sell it (think pyramid scheme). He has already told me more than once that I could make tons of money and I should not miss out on this opportunity. YIKES

So, mystery solved on the mood changes!

It is NOT all in My Head

Last night I drove to the city with 3 friends to see a major league baseball game.  The friend from Tuesdays story was the guy in charge of the expedition.  He is the one that lucked into the free tickets. 

On the drive down last night he was kind of a jerk in front of everyone.  Later, Kevin (who has known him for years) pulled me aside and told me that he had never seen him behave like that before.

The whole thing was surreal, depressing and well not how anyone should spend a trip that should be fun.

It was nice to have another person see it.  He was mad at everyone too, not just me.  He made a comment that we all conspired to pick on him during the 2 hour drive into the city.  No one picked on him!!
Paranoid much?

I am starting to wonder if he isn’t doing steroids or something!?!?!

When People Change

One of my best friends (or so I thought) has been really hurting my feelings lately. At first I thought I was just being too sensitive but it just keeps getting worse and worse. At first it was a snide comment here and there. Then there was the getting ignored at times. Now we are fully into the “I can’t do anything right” phase. Honestly it is freaking me out. I have never known a person to change so much on me.

The hard part for me is that I miss my old friend; the one that was nice to me and made me feel accepted and loved. The asshole that inhabits his body now is like a stranger to me. I just don’t get it. I can only assume this is more the real person and the other guy was the put on face for the public and new people. You know what I mean, how people are so friendly and nice when they first meet you, on their best behavior and then later, when they are more relaxed around you their real personality comes out .

This morning it happened again. I did nothing wrong but what I did made him angry and he yelled at me and I cried which only made him more mad.

I need to get away from him. I feel like the more I am around him the less patient he becomes with me. I have even suggested we talk about it. I got no response. I suggested I should leave him alone and he said he didn’t understand why I was behaving this way. I really don’t mind if he needs space just say so but when I try to give him more space he gets angry that I am ignoring him or being distant. (See I can’t do anything right.)

He even alluded to the fact that I have changed and when I tried to get him to explain more fully, guess what? YES…he ignored me.

I really am starting to have a complex! It seems to me that people always turn on me and also decide not to talk to me about it. I swear it hasn’t always been this way. For most of my life I have had normal friends and normal relationships where people communicated with me in an honest and respectful way.

When talking to George one time he mentioned that he thought that I was attracted to my husband because he was distant like my father. I can see how he might put that together. But here is the thing……Rocco was NOT distant at all, we were really really close for the first 3 years and I LOVED IT. I never set out to be in a relationship with someone who was cold and distant. I just got stuck with it and I would have never signed up for it even before I was pregnant but he was pretending to be someone he is not when I met him.

Furthermore, the other day husband said we could switch sides of the bed if I wanted. I said “hold up buddy!” When we were dating he told me he MUST sleep on the right side of the bed. So that is where he lays to this day. I explained that he could not change that because I was already miffed at all the changes he made since we first met. He acted offended at my comments. This is a man that has flat out told me word for word that dating is a process of pretending to be someone you are not. GEEZ!

Pop Dies - Day One

Last night I picked up Beanie and went straight home.  She wanted a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner and I got busy doing other stuff and accidentally burned it black on one side.  So, having been trained to not waste food, I ate it and made her a new one.  This turned out to be a super lucky mistake because not long after this I got a phone call from my father’s wife, Mona, she left a message that said Pop had died.  I couldn’t eat a thing after that and it was probably for the best that I had some food in me since I started on a bottle of wine about this time.

My first reaction was to drop the phone and find my husband and sob uncontrollably on his shoulder.  I don’t know how to explain it but I was so shocked and overwhelmed that I just broke down.  For some reason it was the last thing I expected at that moment.  I had assumed that the strange phone number was a sales person.   I did however know he was really sick because I had gone to see him just a few weeks ago for father’s day.  **This Post** 

WOW am I glad I went to see him and hugged him and told him I love him.

After what seemed like an eternity I finally let go of my husband and then Beanie asked him why Mommy was crying and when he told her she too sobbed.  I felt awful….she had gone with me on father’s day so she knew exactly who we were talking about.  She is at an age where death is very scary to her.  I hugged my baby.

Over the next few hours I told Monster and Ramone and all my Facebook friends.  I also tried to track down my sister who has been in a sort of hiding from the family.  In my grief I really wanted to locate someone who loved my father as much as I did so we could share our heart ache.  Everyone I told, even the people that knew him, didn’t seem upset at all.  Understandable since they were not close to him.  No one was close to him except his wife.

Finally I went to bed and fell asleep….or did I pass out.  The bottle of wine was gone.  Around 12:30 am my phone rang and I saw it was my sister Linda.  I picked up the phone.  Finally a person to talk to that loved pop as much as I did.

(Refresher….My father’s first wife was Simone (pretty French woman– they met during WWII) and they had Chuck (1946) and Linda (1948).  Later pop gave Simone the boot, married my mom (the intelligent one) and had me and my little brother Billy.  When I was about 10 Pop left my mom for Mona (hoity toity one) and they have been married ever since - almost 40 years.)

It didn’t take long for me to surmise that Linda was NOT feeling like I was.   She seemed mostly like her normal self.  She wanted to talk, but seemed to be dragging up the same old conversations she always dredged up.  Her favorite topics are telling me how her life got messed up when my mom moved in and how Pop was her hero when she was a girl.  How he raised the two older children and then was not interested in us because he had already raised his family.  How my mom was a terrible mother, etc. etc. For some reason I sat and talked to her for almost two hours.  I guess I felt like I should after all, we had both just lost our father.

By the time we got off the phone I was more exhausted than ever, both physically and mentally but I was also very wound up.  All I kept thinking was “what is the point?”  My husband was awake when I came back to bed and in my sorrow and grief I started to sob and curse and tell him all kinds of dark things.  I told him how almost daily I wish I would die in car accident so I could escape this life that seems to be so much more work than it is worth for me.  How I am depressed and have been depressed and should just except the fact that I am a depressed sick person and quit trying to be ok or act normal.  It went on for a long time.   He listened but didn’t say much.  I know he was trying to be kind.  

It was about 3:30 or so when we finally went back to sleep and my alarm went off at 5 am as planned.  I got up and tried to make some breakfast and jumped on Facebook to tell my friend I would NOT make the morning bike because I was operating on only about 4 hours of sleep and a shit ton of grief.

Then, I started to feel better and decided it would do me good to ride my bike so I threw my cycling clothes on and rushed out the door.  When I arrived at the assigned start location all my friends were super nice and Tater even gave me a big hug.  I found out 3 of the girls were only doing 32 miles so I decided to stick with them.  The boys left to do more like 50 miles but I knew I was probably too “messed up” to keep up with them.

We weren’t far down the street when K-Rob told me her dad had died just a few years ago and she took it really hard even though he had not raised her.  She was so awesome to talk to.  I was thrilled I had gotten out of the house. 

I biked and talked and generally had a nice ride.  A couple of times I found myself away from the group and I started to think too much and felt like sobbing so I got back next to one of my girls and said “talk to me so I don’t cry” and they did.

After my bike I went straight to the store and got another bottle of wine.  I also purchased myself a few treats to eat...I felt like spoiling myself.  I got a loaf of crusty artisan bread, some fancy olives from the olive bar and a tub of feta cheese crumbles.  (I know wine is a depressant…and I just didn’t care.)

Next we were schedule to meet Carrie and her mom Valarie at the pool.  I called and told them I was packing a picnic but they should bring a drink.  They showed up with Sonic drinks and the kids, much to my surprise, were pretty happy about the cheese, bread and olives.

I admitted to Valarie there was wine in my water bottle and she said she loves a good dry white wine.  I told her this happens to be a cheap white wine that I had poured over ice or I would offer her some.  We agreed that soon we would indeed share a GOOD bottle of wine.

The day flew by and we all had a very nice time.  Valarie told me she wanted to try cycling so I offered to loan her my old Giant Iguana that I purchased when Rocco and I first started dating because he wanted to bike with me.  Tomorrow I will take her the bike and all four of us (little girls and moms) can ride around her street for a bit.

After we went home I started to feel very sad again.  It seems like if I stay with people I can be distracted but left by myself I crumble to a ball of tears because life just feels so sad and disappointing.  I keep thinking I want my Papa….I love my Papa.  I will never ever see or talk to my Papa again.  It’s so final.  I mean I never thought things would change between us but when a person is dead you have to admit that any chances of change are certainly over.  It just seems weird….like a leg has been chopped off my life’s chair.

At some point today I received a text that the funeral would be at 10 am on Monday.  No actually it was not a funeral it was a memorial service.  Also, today while we were at the pool, Mona, my dad’s wife tried to call me again.  She left another message.  She sounded so sad.  I tried to call her back because I wanted to tell her how bad I felt and that I was thinking of her.  She didn’t answer though.  That woman loved my dad VERY much and will be lost without him.  They have always been inseparable.  Once they retired I don’t think they EVER did anything without each other.  That is the kind of love I want!

Late in the evening, past my bedtime my sister called me again.  This time I was not going to spend a lot of time chit chatting.  She asked if I had been given the funeral information….I assumed she was going to fill me in if not.  I told her I had received a text from Jim (Mona’s son from her first husband).  She asked me more questions and at some point I told her that my little brother Billy was going to pick me up on his way to the service and we were just going to ride together.   (In hindsight I am sure she did not know when the service was and tricked me into telling her.) She told me she was pissed it was such short notice and that getting a flight would be near impossible.  I told her I am sure everyone would understand if she couldn’t make it.  She seemed to want justification for not coming.  She told me that Mona doesn’t like her and I knew she was feuding with her brother Chuck.   At some point I told her she could ride with us but I also thought that it was an insane idea that she try to arrive here rather than in the bigger city where the service would take place.  Our little airport is tiny and not many flight go there.  Anyhow, I was tired, still buzzed on wine and trying to be nice.  I felt sure she was not coming and was just telling someone so the family would understand.  I had no idea I was creating a HUGE mess that we all would have to deal with for the next 4 days!

F.M.L.

Ever since I found out that Rocco and his wife were coming back to town I have been chatting with her, “The Wife”, here and there, off and on, via email. Just keeping in the loop and gearing up for the day I see them in person. I have been trying to make my peace emotionally with it all by exposure; you know like how they make people with claustrophobia ride elevators.

This morning, I saw a women jogging with twins. I emailed The Wife (we have running in common) that pushing twins would suck. She giggled and agreed that pushing the stroller while running is a bummer. She has a 10 month old and generally has to take him along when she runs.

Then she mentions that a nice guy in the local grocery store was really talking up my multi sport club!!
(You know the one I belong to so I have a life....any sort of life.)

RED FLAGS - RED FLAGS!!!

This club is where I generally get all my social life and friends from. I do not want her to join. (Although all along I kind of figured she might since she does triathlons too.) But if she does join it then I would see her ALL THE TIME.

Even worst though…..and you won’t believe this…..guess who the nice man at the store was????

UWE…that’s right one of my best friends was talking to the ex-boyfriend’s wife (he didn’t know it) and trying to sell her on joining our club. He struck up the conversation by commenting on her crazy tan lines.

I texted him and queued him up. He was shocked it was her and had no idea.

I chatted with her a bit more too…..she liked Oova (how she spelled it) and thought he was a bit flirty. That even her 10 month old son liked him and he doesn’t like anyone.

Based on what they both told me I can tell they chatted for quite some time. I can just see him turning on his charms for her. He really is a super nice guy when you first get to know him and he certainly likes the club to be full of pretty ladies for him to hang out with.

I also queued her up on who she was talking to. She knew I had a friend named Uwe…but had not been pronouncing it correctly since I only correspond with her via email.

Long story short….she is in town for ONE week and my best friend is hitting on her and encouraging her to join MY club.

FML!

UGH

(and I won’t even bore you with the conversation that me and Uwe had this morning…..lately I can’t do anything right as far as he is concerned which just makes me want to cry and cry cause he used to be so dang nice to me and make me feel loved and appreciated.)

Saturday Cycling

This morning’s bike ride was windy and brutal. But, after today’s ride I have logged a total of 417 miles on the bike for the month of June!

Highlights from the ride:
1)Ran into George while out biking. Very cool to see him. (Maybe I am paranoid, but he acted weird…..like he didn’t want to actually see me???)
2)Keri dropped her water bottle and we could not find it anywhere. Then, at the last second I noticed it has rolled all the way to the other side of the road and down a ways. I was a hero for spotting it.
3)Made a new cycling friend named Tom. He was very quiet at first but by the end of the ride we were chatting a lot. He admitted to being shy and a bit of an introvert. I think I did a great job of making him feel accepted. I encouraging him to get out more and I even invited him to join our MS150 team. I always feel good when helping others!

After the ride I did a little grocery run and headed home to an empty house. How relaxing!
Beanie was off at a birthday party with a family friend and husband was out on his bike.

I threw on my swim suit and headed outside to lie in the sun and work on my tan lines. I am getting some serious bike tan lines which make my muscular legs look really large. Think brown calves but big white tops of my legs. YUCK! I glob on the SPF 100 when cycling but I still get tan.

About this time Chris called and the phone flaked out and I was crushed that I didn’t get to talk to him. I can’t call him you know.

After about a half hour on each side I deemed my sunbathing complete and hit the shower. Right when I got out of the shower my friend Brent called and we decided to meet for lunch. Brent is a super duper nice guy that I just love hanging out with.  If he were the least bit physically attractive to me we would have a serious problem on our hands, but, alas, not my type in the looks department.  BUT still fun to have a lunch date. :)

Eventually everyone came home and we visited with “family friend” for a long time.

After she left it was just the three of us…….to be honest, I can’t remember what we did. Probably watched TV and went to bed. Husband has been pretty moody lately so I am just staying out of his way for the most part!

BIKE MS

Today was the big BIKE MS bike ride.  I used to do this fun event every year some years back. Then as I became a better cyclist I started feeling almost selfish about my participation.  Like expecting them to feed me and give me a medal for riding seemed ridiculous.  I mean I was there because it was fun for me to get in a good long ride, not because of my lofty humanitarian goals.  Of course, I gave them the required donations but it still seemed too easy for me.  Some people really get out there and suffer for the cause. (The cheering crowds at the end are just made me feel ridiculous.)

This year I needed an excuse to get in a nice long ride with some old friends so I signed up a few weeks ago. 

Before we started the ride I had a weird thing happen.  One of the guys I was riding with, Tom, was commenting about the purchase of his bike “best $600 I ever spent”.  Another friend told me that Tom had purchased the bike from an old friend who had purchased it from an old boyfriend of mine.  All of a sudden I realized that I was there when that bike was originally purchased brand new.  That I helped choose that bike back in 2002 when it was purchased so my new boyfriend could cycle with me.  It was like a piece of the past had come back to say hi.

Anyway, my friends and I had the most awesome 82 mile bike ride.  The weather was perfect and we just killed it with an average speed of 18 miles per hour.  (I actually got in an extra 4 miles bringing my personal total to over 85 miles because I biked from my office to the start location.) 

Best of all, I felt strong on the bike and had very little pain in my jacked up feet.

As soon as we crossed the finish, my friend Mike saw the beer tent and that was it; we were on to the next activity.  I had one quick beer but then had to rush off to pick up Beanie from Ramone who had been solicited to help husband out so he would not be stuck with her all day.  He too wanted to get out and bike since the weather was so phenomenally beautiful.

I did however go back up to the fairgrounds with daughter in tow and spent the balance of the day socializing with my buddies.   I also had another strange coincidence, with Tom again.  This time he was chatting and mentioned that he used to work at the Rec Center a few years ago.  I asked him if he knew Nikki (my husband’s ex wife) since I knew she too had worked at the Rec Center.  He said he did know her, that she was a bit of a “princess” and that there was some sort of scandal about her but he couldn’t remember exactly what.  I said you mean where she left her husband for her boss.  He then remembered that yes indeed that was the scandal, the two of them ran off to Florida together.  I told Tom I am now married to that guy…..the one that Nikki dumped for the boss.   He was like “WOW”.  Funny, the longer I live here, the smaller this town gets.

Best thing about today was it was another huge confidence builder for me going into the half iron man triathlon, after 85 miles my legs felt fine and more importantly, my feet felt OK!