Birthday

August 29th was my birthday.  It was a Monday.  Hubby took the day off so we could spend the day having fun.

We dropped Beanie at school and jumped on our bikes.  The plan was to bike to a little river town about 25 miles down the trail (we have lovely "Rails-to-Trails" all over the area) and grab lunch at a quaint café.

Unfortunately when we got there we found the café was closed and up for sale and there was no place else to eat.  We stopped briefly for a snack and I snapped this selfie.

I love this photo!

Don't we look happy?!  :)

We then biked back towards home and just as the rain decided to let loose we arrived at this local funky camp ground where we knew we could grab some Thai food from a wacky lady that sells her food from a camper by the general store.

We sat and drank beer under the awning and waited for the rain to let up. Finally we were forced to head out if we wanted to pick up the kid in time.  It was still drizzling when we left but stopped fairly quickly.  However, the trail was now an icky sticky mess.

And it stuck all over my legs.

After we picked up the girl we all went out to dinner and had the best time.  It was a VERY nice birthday indeed.

He didn't get me a gift ON my birthday but he is vigorously searching for a tandem bicycle to purchase for us so we can have more adventures riding together.   A good one is going to be over $1000 used!  

Really the gift of time is the best gift.

A Simple Post

I woke up this morning and the room was cool and the air was fresh.  I love sleeping with the windows open.  My pillow felt perfect (you know what I mean).  I could hear him breathing next to me; a sweet, deep, calm breath of a happy restful sleep.  I was full of joy.  FULL.

And I realized that he seems happy.  That he never seemed truly happy before but now he does.  Him being happy makes me happy. 

Our marriage was never happy because it wasn't what he really wanted.  In his own words, he tolerated it.

But now I believe he does.  The big difference is that for once it is what we BOTH want.     So simple!

Summer of Family Fun

Getting back with JDK felt so weird at first.  We started staying with each other every single night.  We would cuddle and make love and it was really wonderful.  Yet waking up in my old bed at my old house was a little surreal.  At first I think we were both feeling nervous wondering how it would all play out.......cautiously wading in and hoping it was what we both wanted.

We planned family outings and started spending a lot of quality time together and really it has all been very good.  There have been a few fights, mainly over old wounds which I guess was inevitable.  We get past them.  We focus on making today good.  We are both optimistic about our future together.  I know that as long as he treats me like someone he actually likes/loves I am very happy to be a family again.

Here are some of the highlights from this summer:

JDK did a big out of town bike race and Beanie and I went along to do support.

Daddy took us all out for dinner.  Happy that Ramone could join us.

Weekend vacation in Hannibal Missouri.  Great family times!

Beanie was thrilled to ride the Mark Twain river boat.

Beanie made Daddy a mug for fathers day.

I traveled to Colorado to participate in our annual multisport club nationals competition.  We won AGAIN!

Daddy bought Beanie a new bike and we have been cycling a lot.  My favorite!

We spent a weekend in Arkansas at my big family reunion.  Lots of cousins!

My brothers and their kids and their kids!

And we stopped to explore the BIG Bass Pro shop.  Very cool.


There is lots more but who I have to go to work now!

Kevin

At the time he moved out he was being rather nice.  He even said "this is hard".  It made me think he may be human after all!

Later that week he helped me go pick up my new kitchen table and chairs.  I was very appreciative.  He even came over and sprayed my lawn for weeds!

A week or two after that me and Beanie went to his house and watched the season finally of Dancing With the Stars.  A show we had always watched together.  At some point we also did some shopping to outfit his house with new décor.  We picked out a very cool wall clock at Bed Bath and Beyond and he picked out some black sheets for his bedroom.  (He loves black...go figure?)

On May 21st I helped him build these storage shelves in his garage.

He purchased a home with no basement so this is where he keeps camping things and his T-shirt collection, etc.

His beloved tractor fits in there but not his new truck.  The other side of the garage holds his motorcycle and workbench.  He regrets not getting a 3 car garage!

After that I started focusing on my relationship with JDK, so Kevin and I didn't talk much other than the occasional text.

At some point the escrow refund was mailed to his house.  The check had both our names on it so he gave it to me to deposit and I paid him back half of the deposit.

A few weeks later I figured we were all square and nothing janky was going to happen so I took his title to his motorcycle and his daughters car to him at his office.  I had been holding it just in case he decided to do something terrible to me....you know for leverage.  When he moved out he never thought to retrieve these vital documents from my fire box.

I walked in to the office around 10 am and it was very busy.  He was on the phone and the office was a buzz with activity.  I stood there for a few minutes and he never even looked up or acknowledged my presence.   I got tired of waiting so I just put the envelope on his keyboard and left.

Hours later I had not heard from him at all so I texted "did you get the titles in the envelope?"  He responded "Yes, thank you."  And that was all.  I sat there thinking it was odd that he wasn't more grateful or communicative.  I mean really.....getting the titles to your stuff that you forgot all about should be a little more exciting than that.

A few days later I texted him regarding some stuff in our basement that needed to be thrown away.  He has a big dumpster at his office that is a good place to dump stuff.  He ignored me.  There were a few other "no big deal" texts that he never responded to either.....it became clear to me that he had decided to break off all contact.  I texted a few more times and got NO response.  Suspicion confirmed.

You know what.....I really didn't care much. (But it is rather sad.)  There is no point in keeping in touch.  It is all over.  The person I thought was going to be the love of my life had turned out to be "someone that I used to know."  AND that is the thing that scares me most about this whole chapter of my life.  You can meet a person who is kind and loving and generous and shows all signs of being an amazing person that you are so very happy came in to your life; someone who really does check off all the boxes of what a healthy relationship should be; someone who wants to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you; someone you invest a lot of time and trust in. .....

...................And, JUST LIKE THAT, it's gone.  It was a lie.  It wasn't what you thought it was or hoped it would be.   And you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start all over.

People are shitty and betray you.....sadly.....that is how life works!

(and if I am totally honest here....I miss the fuck out of that man.....the one I thought I had (but he wasn't real).....I deeply mourn the loss.)

Nina

 

This is my son Monster's girlfriend Nina.

 

A friend of hers did these photos.  SO COOL!

 

 

Monster and Nina moved into my basement last July.  I love having them so close and the rent money helps me afford this house.

Monster, Beanie and Nina

 

 

She is a super sweet girl; a very kind and giving soul.  She has a degree in forestry and currently works at a local "healthy" option restaurant.  She eats raw foods, meditates regularly and does yoga.

 

Since they moved in I don't see them much because they work a lot but I see them more than before and it means a lot to me.

 

BUT, as much as I love having them here, there is a down side.  They really do try to be good house mates but they are still young and rather irresponsible.  They have two large dogs that are poorly trained and hard on my carpet.  They are also both rather sloppy and I worry that they are just trashing my basement.  I am pretty sure that once they move out I will need to paint the basement and replace the carpet before I can sell the house, so ultimately they aren't saving me any money.

 

 A few weeks ago Nina got a job offer for her dream job with the state conservation department of natural recourses doing forestry management.  She will have to move away....about an hour from here.  At first they told me Monster would likely move with her but just not right away.  The kids smoke a lot of pot and she actually used fake urine to pass her drug screening.  This upset me a bit.

 

Then I found out they were not getting along.  She thinks he is lazy and immature.  He thinks she is judgy and too over the top with the whole clean eating/living thing.  For example she refuses to heat or store food in anything plastic (using all my good cookware all the time) and she nags him when ever he tries to do it.

 

THEN shit hit the fan!

Monday I came home to an upset Monster to find out she had cheated on him and broke up with him!!  Needless to say the house has been tense.  He asked her to stay with friends until it was time to move (one week) and she refused.  So she is staying here.  He is doing his best not to talk to her.  She tried to tell me her side of the story the other day and I just told her I didn't want to be involved.

 

Seriously I have nothing to say to her.  I think they are both young and stupid and feel sorry for them at the same time feel annoyed at it all.  I hope she moves and things mellow out and we can all have some peace. 

 

I will be glad to get her dog out of my house.   I love pets but hate when people needlessly let them tear up the house.  Since the kids moved in I have had 2 poops and 1 pee on my bedroom carpet and one poop in the guest room.  So GROSS!  All they have to do is keep them downstairs yet they let them upstairs every time I'm not looking.  So frustrating.

 

Oh and her parents dropped in last weekend unexpectedly.  This was before I knew the kids were breaking up.  I hosted them like proper guests and spent a lot of time doing the obligatory nice chit chatting and offering them food and drink.  They spent the night in the guest room, etc.  If I had known the kids had broken up I would have just asked Monster to go hang out and left them here to do their own thing.  It was exhausting and unnecessary.  Ugh

 

 

 

Work

I have two hours of free time before I have to get ready to go to my BodyPump class at the gym.  I will then go straight into work at the Construction company for the rest of the day.    Tomorrow I have to report to the Bus Depot to continue training my replacement.  I started training him last week and plan to train him the rest of this week and then I will hopefully be done with that place.

I am actually sitting here feeling stressed because I have no free time this week and I have some things I really need to do this week besides work.  How the hell did I manage to get it ALL done when I had a full time job?  I guess I did have the luxury of doing personal stuff at work when I was salaried.....AND I made good money! I had a really good deal there and I regret quitting, but at the time I was 99% certain they were not going to make it.  I made the best decision I could at the time.  No sense fretting about it now.

I am still working part time at the Construction company but they will have to get me off their insurance come December.  Not sure what I will do about insurance.  I am pretty sure I can't afford to go buy it on my own.  I suspect I will be one of those people that has no insurance and just hopes nothing major happens to me.  It frustrates me that insurance has turned into such a nightmare.

I officially quit my job at the Bus Depot a few months ago but agreed to stick around and keep the major accounting functions under control until they could find a replacement.  So I have been going in two days a week and balancing cash and paying bills.  I really don't mind doing those things for them and I can use the paycheck.

I'm not sure if I ever  blogged about the job at the Bus Depot or not.   An old friend of mine, we will call him Todd, owns a motor coach company and he needed an accountant.  I agreed to work for him part time doing basic book keeping for relatively low pay which was fine because I wanted a low stress job that would allow me tons of flexibility to spend more time with my kids.  The day I started he told me they were in the midst of a Federal Payroll Audit and owed the government about $90k in unpaid withholding taxes.  Yikes!  Then I found out they had not paid their property taxes for 2015 ($50k).  Then I found out they were trying to renegotiate a large note with the bank but still couldn't afford to make any payments.   All of these things were making me work lots of crazy hours and deal with lots of stress.  Not what I signed up for at all.  I thought it was going to be a simple book keeping job and they certainly aren't paying me enough for the grief I was enduring, not to mention the fact that they have VERY serous cash flow issues and I am just sick of playing that game.

..........AND as if that wasn't enough, Todd's brother is the office manager and the man is truly a psychotic freak.  He thinks everyone is out to screw him over, he has a terrible temper, he has no management skills or idea how to properly run an office.  He seems to think getting angry at people is the way to fix problems.  He refused to give anyone decision making power because he doesn't trust anyone so no one ever has the power to really fix anything anyway.  I am pretty sure he wants to fire some of the key employees because the man is too messed up to even recognizes what these people actually do for the company.  Seriously the guy just reeks havoc on the place every day and Todd doesn't have the guts to fire him since he is his brother and started the company with him some 20 years ago.  I often marvel that the place hasn't imploded yet.

The new guy I am training is starting to figure out what he has gotten himself in to and I am sure he is having second thoughts.  No one ever stays employed there for long.  They either get fired or if they are smart, they quit.  I could type for hours telling you crazy stories about the place.

I have another potential part time job that will hopefully work out well.  This company is definitely profitable.  In fact the owner complains that he has too much excess cash.  His name is Dan and he is one of my neighbors.  He started a string of sandwich stores and sells franchise.  He already has a good book keeper but needs a part time person like me to do some high level analysis and reporting. I think it could work out to be a really good deal.  We will see.   No harm in giving it a try since no other great job is falling in my lap.


 

Moods

Last night I came home from work and all I wanted to do was a take a quick power nap.  I walked into my bedroom and immediately thought I smelled something funny.  My dog was acting guilty so I took a hard look at the carpet and sure enough I found a pee spot.  Now my dog skulked off but I am 99.9% sure it was not her.  She NEVER pees in the house and obviously knows it is not a good thing and mom will be pissed off.  I am sure she knew I would be mad and was getting the heck out of the way.  Meanwhile Olive stood there looking oblivious (her nickname is Doofus) having no idea what was going on and just wanting some attention.

I don't think Olive did it either.  I don't think my dogs would pee right in the middle of the bedroom where they sleep and we sleep most nights.  Dog's don't go in their den.  If one of them had done it I think it would have been by the door or at the base of the steps....out of the area we live in.

A few weeks ago I came home to find that both the downstairs dogs had pooped in my bedroom.  I had been staying at JDKs house so my dogs weren't even here.  The kids were upstairs in the kitchen and their dogs wondered off to a distance room to relieve themselves.  I was obviously unhappy but the poo was hard and easy enough to clean up.  Anyway, the pee was right were one of them had crapped a few weeks ago so I am fairly certain it was one of the other dogs.

This pee cold and stale and really stinky.  It took me a long time to clean it up.  It had obviously been there all day.

While I was letting my dogs out I went to water the little tree I had planted this spring and there is no denying that it has died.  The needles are falling off.  I didn't water enough last month when the weather seemed so wet but we didn't have enough rain for the poor thing to make it.  I am VERY sad that I killed the tree.  I am surely more upset than I should be.  I just can't shake feeling guilty for not watering it more. I'm a tree murderer.

I never got my nap.....kept getting interrupted.  The whole evening I was just feeling sad, depressed, negative.  I was being pulled in all directions by my family and really just wanted to sit alone and read my tablet.

When we went to bed at 9 I realized I was just so exhausted and that was probably the main reason I was feeling so moody.  I slept like a rock. 

This morning I came home to find that Monster had FINALLY gotten rid of his broken-down car.  It had been littering my driveway with two flat tires and expired plates for months.  I was worried the home owners association was going to send me a nasty letter.  Anyway, I am now giddy with joy!!

I also had a really nice run this morning with my newer friend Eileen. 

So now, I am feeling pretty good.

The moral of the story is I probably need to get more sleep and I need to recognize that my moods are very effected by my level of exaustian. 

Dating

If you remember from one of my posts back around the time Kevin was moving out I signed up for an online dating site.  At the time I was bound and determined to make some new friends and get positive about my dating future.  You know, get out and have a life!

However, once I actually got into the process of meeting people I mostly had no real interest in any of them.  I just wasn't ready yet.

There was one guy though, that was different. He really touched my heart so I want to mention him. 

                                                              This is Brian.

Brian lives about an hour from here so he wasn't handy to meet in person so we whiled away many hours on the phone.  I told him most of what was really going on in my life and he was always sweet, supportive and attentive.  I have to say I was rather smitten with him from the start.  He billed himself as BIG BRAINED (I love smart guys) and he does seem to be a very smart, might I say brilliant, man.  He owns his own company and is quit successful (as far as I found out).  He has THE MOST sexy voice you ever did hear! I guess I really didn't understand why he was interested in me.   He told me he thought I was "different" and he liked my kind of quirkiness.  We did seem to have a lot in common.

From the start he seemed "too good to be true".  I kind of figure he is a recruiter and a business owner so wooing people is part of his job.  He wooed me alright.

Anyhow, we talked a lot on the phone and I really enjoyed it.  But not long after we met on line he went to Chicago on business and was hard to get in touch with.  No texting or answering calls for days.  It was a huge red flag.  Any hopes I had were gone at that point.  He probably has a girlfriend in Chicago (or worse yet a family).

We did still continue to talk after that and did meet once, in person, for dinner and had a lovely "date".  He said all the right things and gave me a very sweet kiss goodnight.  He was super sweet and super fun.  Although if I am honest, he wasn't my body type so I didn't find him as sexy physically as would have been ideal.  Which was good because I was pretty sure he wasn't a long term fit.

Last I talked to him I told him I was back with the ex and things were going well.  He said I sounded the best he had ever heard me sound.  He was happy for me.

Maybe, just maybe, he really is just an intelligent, hard working, decent guy.  I have to say, I am glad I got to meet him.  I will always remember his gentle spirit and enormous kindness.
 (And that sexy voice.)

Olive

I would like you to meet Olive, the newest member of my family.  When Roslyn moved in with JDK, they got Beanie a dog.  This dog.  She is a German Shepherd mix.  She is a big sweet dog that drools a lot but she has never been trained properly; she means well but she is just rather oblivious to the idea that people are in charge. 




She was a super cute puppy.

This dog has never been to the vet.  JDK and Roslyn gave her all her shots at home purchased through the mail.  She has rarely traveled anywhere in a car so she was super skittish the first time I tried to take her anywhere.  She was never socialized as a pup.  According to JDK, Roslyn was in charge of training the dog and let me tell you it doesn't do anything on command.  Olive is about a year old and I have been working to train her as best I can but I get frustrated because it would have been so much easier if she had been trained properly when she was younger.

Also, JDK just doesn't understand how to train a dog..  He has a tendency to let the dog dictate what he does.  She will scratch at the door and he dutifully runs and lets her out.  Well great...you just trained her to scratch the door up.  I told him to scold her and stop rewarding her for destroying the door!

The other problem we have is the nice new wood floors at my house (the Blue house) are kind of soft and this 80 pound dog's nails are not trimmed properly so she is scratching the hell out of my floor.  I don't want to trim her nails because they are black and I worry I will hurt her and make her bleed.  I  just don't want the responsibility to be mine.....I want him to cut them.  He did once but they need it again and he procrastinates.  It's just frustrating.  I really don't want two dogs but now I am stuck with them. 

JDK cares about the dog but he is not in love with her like a real dog owner.  He wouldn't be heartbroken if she ran away and never came home. 



Roslyn

The day that I told Roslyn about JDK cheating she packed all of her stuff in her car and left him, supposedly for good.  He told me he was positive she would never come back.

I was actually kind of relieved when she only had one small car load of stuff at his house; not much for having lived there for a year.  I assumed this was because she wasn't as settled in as she led me to believe and was more "part time" like he had told me.

She did however leave this behind...for obvious reasons.

I later found out that she is into the tiny house thing and minimalistic living....so that is why she didn't have much stuff there.  (More on the camper later.)

But, back to the leaving for good.....after my last round of text "fighting" with her I came to the conclusion that she planned on coming back after he had a good stew on it all and was properly penitent.

She flat out told me how much in love with her he was and how they would run off together and have some glamorous life if he wasn't such  a good dad that would never leave his daughter.

Sure enough, a few weeks later on a Friday, she called him and said she missed him and would like to discuss reconciling.  He was totally surprised because "she is such a strong woman" but he told her he was back with me so he wasn't interested.  Oh I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. He came straight home that night and told me all about it.  (He really is doing his damndest to be transparent and honest with me.)

Of course I was happy he told her NO, but I was a bit shook up that she was still interest in him.  I have since been fairly vigil as to whether or not they are in contact and I am 99.9% certain they are not. 

I did however have the joy of getting to see her in person all day not long after all this happened.

Picture plucked from the events internet web site.

There was a party bike ride that my old running buddy Terry and I attended.  At some point I noticed her in the crowd.  I did my best to just mind my own business and have a good time.  There was no reason to interact with her.  Cyclist were spread out over miles of trails so I didn't really see her much.

Until the last rest stop which was also a dinner spot with a band.  My friends and I got some food and found a place to sit and low and behold I look up and guess who is sitting not far in front of us.

I cropped it...she wasn't THIS close.

I had a few beers in me and was with a bunch of my best friends and knew JDK had already told her we were back together so I didn't really feel all that upset.  I assumed I was making her uncomfortable if anything.  (I may have leered at her from under my sunglasses.)  I also finally realized who she was biking with; it was JDK's office mate and coworker!!!   I told him she was there with Alex and he was a little pissed.  He said he was sure she did it out of spite.  I thought maybe she had a new boyfriend already?!

A few weeks after this we found a towing service that for just $225.00 came and picked up the camper and took it back to her house (60 miles away).  Good riddance! we were both thrilled to get that thing out of the garage.  He then straightened up the garage which took hours because she had his tools all over the place, a huge mess.  I am certain he prefers my tidy ways to hers.

At some point before the camper was returned, she did contact him one last time, to tell him that she had tendered her resignation at the hospital here in town and was planning on selling her house and moving away...to someplace like Seattle or something.  He has since told me she always dreamed of being a temporary nurse where she takes part time jobs all over the country as needed.  I guess there is a lot of money to be made doing this and she likes the idea of traveling and living a gypsy lifestyle.

I have since peaked at her Facebook page (I have her blocked from mine) and see no signs that she has quit her job.  Then again I don't know anyone who is friends with her so she still may have quit and not updated her status on FB.  Regardless I really hope she is done with him completely and they will never speak to each other again which is his take on it all.

Over the past few months he has told me a few things about her and I have figured a few out on my own.  One interesting fact is that she makes wedding cakes as a hobby.  She has wedding cakes pinned all over her Pinterest page as well as tiny house and vintage camper stuff.  I guess those older campers, once restored are a huge collectors item.  So even if she doesn't keep it, once it is fixed up, she can sell if for tidy sum.  At one point he said he was tempted to just set it out in the field behind the house and burn it to the ground.  It was a huge annoying reminder of her while it lingered in the garage.

Roslyn was a vegetarian and big into "farm to table eating".  The other day I was watching a show about the subject and he expressed how weary he was of it.  Another thing she did that I know irritated him was take not one, but two, big long hot showers every day.  Evidently she would shower till the water heater was empty.  JDK is the 3 minute shower type because hey "don't waste the water".  She also loved to sleep in which is not his style.  Remember when he was trying to get me up at 4 am because we were wasting the day?

I think he liked her because she came along at the right time, she was fairly agreeable and not needy and she made good money.  I know he like that she is a respiratory therapist.  In her own words "she helps people" Important much?!  Don't get me wrong I have TONS of respect for nurses and doctors, etc.  I could never do what they do, but she certainly thinks it makes her better than other people like me who just keep track of numbers for business owners.

JDK says he really doesn't miss her or even think of her that much.  As more time goes by she does seem more like a distant nightmare than a reality.  I really hope she is not still in town.  I often glance around the gym to be sure she isn't there.

I have my moments where I wonder if he doesn't miss her or wish I was like her in some way, but overall, I think he is pretty happy with his family and the way things have worked out.  I like to think that he wouldn't have risked it all with her to mess around with me unless there was really something about me that he couldn't let go.

Ultimately........time will tell.

Keep Moving Foreward

Cool picture a friend sent me....just wanted to put it here.

I do my long run on Saturday mornings.

Affirmation

Over the past year I have had to deal with someone I loved very much betraying me completely and telling me what a terrible person I am.  I also had Roslyn tell me what a despicable human being I am.  I don't give a damn what that conceited bitch thinks of me but knowing that the basic information came from my ex husband made the comments hurtful to me.

I know that I don't always do the right thing or make the best choices in the heat of the moment, but I am working on it.  I am human, I make mistakes.  I am learning that when I hurt I lash out and then of course later I regret it because it is not the person I want to be.  I want to send love out into the universe not hate.  I am growing....all the time growing into a better version of myself.  I am also learning to forgive myself for not being perfect.  Which is actually a huge problem for me.

However, in the last year I have also had some people tell me I am a good person.  I want to record that here as a reminder that I do good and people are good and life can be very positive and rewarding.

First, this was a post on Facebook from an old friend of mine that I worked with in the 90s.  I cried when I read it last winter.  (it was long so it is in two screen shots)

And more recently a co-worker who is new to town texted me this.  (I cut off the bottom because it was work junk)

the next word is our town.

So...there it is in black and white.  I am NOT a total piece of shit.  In fact, some people think I am pretty awesome. 

 

Recognizing the value of Blogging

I haven't been blogging lately for a number of reasons.  One is truly lack of time.  I am currently working two part time jobs, striving to get all my workouts in (running, biking and lifting), taking good care of my kids and focusing on rebuilding my marriage so yeah...I'm a busy girl.  I still think about blogging a lot and have a lot to say and share but I just never get around to it.

Another reason is because there is just SOOOO much I want to post that I feel overwhelmed.  I mull posts over in my head and they get too long or complicated and I just pass.  If I would just start posting again and I know I will work that all out.  What's important will rise to the top if I just let it happen.

The third reason and probably the biggest reason is I fear being judged.  I know people are judging me and I let it permeate my mind and my perception.  I am shamer....I internalize shame way too much.  I know that not everyone will agree with me or like me or like what I do.  That is just how the world is and on an intellectual level I am totally cool with that.  But on an emotional level I find it difficult at times to be judged harshly. (I know everyone does to some degree) I know I shouldn't let it bother me.  It is something I am working on constantly.  Live and let live.  I do my best every day and I shouldn't make myself feel worse by letting what other people think bring me down.

But I was recognizing that I was planning posts with the reader in mind too often.  That is not what I want to do.

Last week I sat down and read some of my posts from the last year.  Sometimes it was hard because it stirred up feelings that have since settled down.  But mostly it was enlightening.  It was good for me to go back and think about what all has happened, what I did and didn't do, how I struggled and how I survived. I know I can learn and grow personally from blogging. 

This blog is for me to record what is happening in my head.  MY HEAD and it is not for me to judge or feel judged, it is for me to focus, learn, grow, record, analyze, dump my thoughts.  It is, as I have stated before, my free therapy.  I see the value in it and want to get back to it.  I need to be blogging.  I wish I hadn't stopped for these last few months.  I think I lost some valuable ideas that I should have recorded.

So...back to blogging it is.  I have a post in mind for tomorrow and I really do plan to get something down on a daily basis.    For now though, I have to get ready for work.

 

Happy Labor Day!