Sex is NOT Love

I don’t understand why when a man is dating you they can wine & dine you, flatter you and kiss you for hours with the hopes of getting some sex but after they marry you they act like such an idea has never been invented.

I am starved for attention and affection from a man. I get NONE from my husband. Yes, he wants to have sex, in fact he would love to have sex at least once a day but there is ZERO romance involved. He just wants to get his rocks off and he doesn’t much care how that happens. I am sure he would prefer if I acted like a porn star and paraded around in thigh high stockings and begged for him to give me his huge cock cause I love it so much, but that is not really how love or relationships work. That is how a porn movie works (or a damn special occasion).

So here is my dilemma. I want to make him happy and I want his physical needs met so, up until recently, I put out as often as was realistic (we have a small child in our home) so he would be happy in that department. In fact, I have told myself a hundred times that if letting him pop off a load every other day or so makes him blissfully happy that it is a relatively small price to pay to assure he has a great day. (I must add that at times this is actually damn inconvenient for me but I have just done it anyway.)

BUT, when do I get what I want? When do I get a man to act interested in ME? When do I get some loving and some passion? When do I get to be aroused and really WANT some hot sex for myself not just a pounding for a quick ejaculation? I guess the answer is never.

So I ask you, is this really fair? Is it fair that he gets what he wants and I just get left feeling unloved and unsatisfied?

I know that men think sex IS love……..or so they say, but I always go back to dating. They knew the difference back then!! They understood that they had to meet my needs to get theirs met.

Lately I have not felt like giving him his regular sex fix. I am sick of feeling that it’s such a one way street. That he gets what he wants and I don’t. I logic that I should hold out for a little romance before I spread my legs; you know, give him some incentive, like when we were dating.

This, of course has started the “withholding sex” war at my house. I know you all know what I am talking about……….it seems to happen to everyone at one point or another in their lives. I don’t give it to him so he gets angry, then I feel even less inclined to have sex with him since he is being a big baby. And it all snowballs into more animosity and less intimacy than ever before. In the long run it does nothing to get my goal accomplished. In fact, it makes it even farther away.

If I explain my needs to him he either acts totally stumped like he has no idea what to do or worse yet, he makes a half hearted effort to ACT romantic for say……..4 minutes, and then basically says “there you go now can we fuck?”.

Note to all men: Spooning with your wife, while groping her boobs does not equate to romance or foreplay. It is just annoying!

Maybe he has some old fashioned logic in his head…….like once he is married he has earned the right to have sex whenever he wants. The catch here is, back in the day, the men paid the bills and the women were dependant so she got something as a trade off, she got security. By supporting the family, he paid the price for an “easy” piece of ass.

Well that is generally not how it works these days and even if it were, I would be fine with that. I will stay home and mind the kids and he can pay the bills then I will dole out the sex as his reward. As it is now, I pay more than half the bills and he is a total prick if expected him to spend a few dollars extra on anything. I pay for the kids swim lessons, gymnastics and clothes and he pays for none of that. We split day care 50/50. He is NOT supporting me so you can’t use the old fashioned argument that he is the man and this is his reward for taking care of his family.

I know what it is!!!

………..they are just too lazy to make an effort to be romantic!

Finally Something Gives

This morning we saw the therapist. I think it was a very good session. We seemed to get a lot of meaningful material covered. My husband seemed to be more honest and open than he usually is. I felt he was being genuine.

Often I feel he is being “the nice cooperative husband” more than being real. I so appreciated it when he is honest and not just saying what he thinks he should.

You know what I learned today and what I will be reminding him of for now on? It is his fault, not mine if I think less than flattering things about him. Sounds crazy, I know, but let me explain.

Most of the time, he is quiet and won’t talk, he DOES NOT COMMUNICATE. He keeps all his thoughts and feeling to himself. He does not share. So that leaves it up to me to figure out what he is thinking or why he is not speaking. In my experience the only time a person won’t tell you something that is on their mind is when it is something unpleasant or mean. So, naturally that is the way I interpret his silence. I assume that he is not communicating to cover up something that is “not so nice”. For example when he won’t tell me why he is mad I assume he is mad at me for something. Or if he won’t tell me why he is suddenly quiet and distant when we climb in bed I might assume it is because he is missing an old love.

Now let me tell you how it is HIS fault.

If he wants me to know that his thoughts and feelings aren’t so freakin’ negative then HE NEEDS TO TELL ME WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE!! If he leaves it up to me to fill in the blanks then he can’t complain that he doesn’t like the way I do it.

He always acts all wounded and hurt that I “think so little of him”. Well buddy, there is a simple solution to this problem. Share what is on your mind! Tell me what you think. Straighten me out so I know you are not just avoiding saying terribly mean things. If he wants me to understand him and not judge him then, by golly, all he has got to do is tell me what he is thinking because I can’t read his mind!!

And now on to me…..we talked about how when I get an idea in my head I am full speed ahead and unstoppable like a freight train. Now, this is probably true, but it is not something I do consciously or on purpose. It is part of my ADD and type A personality. I am driven and I am not a procrastinator. If I have a mission I get it done.

And he says that I just trample him in the process and it makes him angry and hurt that I don’t let him weigh in on what I am doing or properly discuss decisions like a couple should. Well, this is a good point and something he should be telling me. Now I can be more aware that I am doing it and he is getting sidelined in the process. So glad he brought it up. Truth is he can be rather meek or not speak up when he should. Or he takes too long or something. I get frustrated if he won’t talk to me and assume he is disinterested so I do what need s to be done. I take his slower and more methodical approach as him not being interested enough to chime in. So I assume I am on my own.

I will try and be more understood of the fact that he is slower to respond and more reserved in his responses and not interpret it as being disinterested.

Funny thing is, I think in a way, we drive each other crazy by trying to accommodate each other and be considerate when we really need to be more confrontational and hammer things out. Or at least make our needs known clearly and expect the other person to be involved like a spouse should be.

Communication?

Today at work I never emailed my husband like I usually do and he did not email me either.

Finally late in the afternoon I sent him the following message:

“It is my impression that you really don’t care if you talk to me at all. I mean if I just didn’t email or come home until bed time for the next week I don’t think you would even notice or at least you would not say anything to me. “

Husband responds:
“Because I didn't feel like talking yesterday or because you think that I never want to talk to you? I was cranky yesterday. I am sorry. I will be more talkative tonight. “

(BTW - he is generally much nicer to me via email then in person.)

Me: “Why were you cranky yesterday?”

Husband: “I have to pay more in taxes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously!!?!

So, he spent the whole day yesterday giving me the “fuck off” vibe because he was mad about paying his taxes? Really?

Death, Taxes, and Beer

This morning I got up early and headed into work to do our taxes. I keep my computer files at work because we don’t have decent internet out in the woods where we live.

BTW - Going to the office is not my favorite way to spend my Sunday morning.

Doing the taxes was terrible and I am still not done. My husband worked as a consultant this last year so he had a 1099-misc not a W2 and that just makes it all a lot more complicated. I really wish he would get a real job.

Around 11 a.m. I got nervous that he would be tired of the preschooler and headed home to relieve him of his “babysitting” duties. When I opened the garage I found his car was gone. It would have been nice to know he had left before I drove all the way home because I wanted to go for a run and would have if I had known he wasn’t even there. And, in his usual fashion, there was no note or anything to indicate what had happened or where they had gone. I didn’t bother to call. In the past he didn’t even take his phone or he hasn’t answered so I am just tired of tracking him down when he is rude and “disappears”.

I pulled in the garage and let the dog out of the car. I had taken her to work with me so my husband did not have to deal with her while I was gone. (We all know he does not like my dog.) I went in the house to survey the damage. The house smelled good because he had done some cooking. I wondered where the celery parts ended up because I always give them to the rabbit.

I ran around doing this and that. He had not made the bed so I did it. Why can’t he make the bed? I noticed he had put soda cans in the trash not the recycle bin. That ticks me off. I just can’t help it. I was defiantly feeling irritated by him at this point.

I was hungry so I put some green beans in the microwave to heat up for my lunch. I was standing in the kitchen when I heard the chickens cackling like they were in crisis. I ran out on the deck to see what was going on and saw the gate was wide open. Immediately I thought the dog is out and started to call her name. She was there chasing the chickens and stopped as I dashed down the steps and jumped over the fence at the bottom. I chased the dog off and started counting chickens and looking for dead bodies. Not a pleasant task I might add. I counted three chickens. One of them was short a lot of feathers but seemed fine. One was in her box in the hen house and I think she was not messed with at all. The other one looked OK too. That left one chicken missing. I looked all over and could not find her. I started to search the woods. I could not remember if we had 2 barred rock or two reds. I finally called the husband because I was so upset. He said it was a red missing and said he would head home.

I thought the red was outside the gate so I had better tie the dog up. I put her on the dog run, but the chickens could still see her and it was making them frantic. I wanted to chain her to the porch, but Husband had moved my chain so I could not use it. I finally got the dog leash and attached her to the front porch with it, out of sight of the poor traumatized birds.

I must now add that I am still angry that he put the chickens in the back yard in the first place so now my dog and daughter have no fenced in yard!!

By now I am totally frustrated and upset…..I am hungry and looked for any signs of a dead or alive missing chicken. I wanted a beer really badly and decided that I would look in the garage in a place where the husband has been known to stash a secret box of beer presumably so he does not have to share. And sure enough there were some beers there! I opened one just as he was getting home.

He immediately quizzed me about where I had gotten the beer so I told him. He acted mad that it was HIS beer. Why can’t he share?

By now I am crying because murder stresses me out and my whole day had been just one frustration after another. He was acting angry at me too which was only making things worse. He has no sympathy or compassion at all. He looked for the chicken with no luck and then stomped around the house getting on his chainsaw clothes. I asked him why he was angry more than once and he would not speak to me. I asked him if he was mad that I took his beer and he did not respond. He went out in the woods and I was left standing there all upset with Beanie by my side. I wanted more beer to dull my pain.

I drank another beer and decided I did not want to stick around the house of pain. I packed up the preschooler and went to a friend’s house. I spent the balance of the day entertaining my toddler and trying to avoid going home.

PS - The chicken did come home and she seems fine.

I'm a Loser Baby

So this morning I came into work feeling off, down. I didn’t sleep well again. (Why do I have to wake at 1 or 3 a.m. and think so much?)

Then I checked my favorite blogs, like I do every morning, and I found this http://edenriley.blogspot.com/2011/03/recovery-20_11.html

I watched it and just cried. I wanted to cry even more but I am at work so I can’t.

As I listened to Eden all I kept thinking is how much I admire her and how much I wish I was more like her. Then it sort of hit me that I pretty much always wish I am someone besides myself. If I am completely honest I have to admit, that I just really don’t like myself. I do think I am a good problem solver, I am fairly capable, I work hard and I am in good shape for 45…….but other than that, I don’t like myself and I certainly don’t love myself.
(Did they teach us this in church as well.....isn’t vanity a sin?)

Why don’t I like myself? Well, I think I used to but then life beat me down. I got told by a lot of people over the years that I am not good at this or that. (list below) And you know, after enough people in enough circumstances tell you they don’t like you, you start to believe there is some truth to the fact that you are unlikable and that nobody will like you.

Call me crazy, but I would actually like to liked. (Does that even make sense?)

I think when Rocco, my soul mate, started to tell me he didn’t like me anymore; it just sent me into shock. I just couldn’t believe it. (To this day I remember every negative thing he ever told me about myself.) I could not believe that it was happening; that the person I had been so close to and so in love with was now becoming another person to use me, betray me and leave me. Everyone I have ever loved has eventually turned their back on me; my oldest boy’s father, many friends, Rocco, even my own father. (My mother is the only person who has not betrayed me but she pretty much ignores me at this point in my life.)

And it is not just the people I loved it is also coworkers and acquaintances. I know these people should not really matter, but here again, you hear it enough and it sticks.

Before we got married my own husband spent a lot of time telling me how he thought I would be a bad parent, that he would never marry me, and that I was not nurturing enough. He even told me that I was his “dirty little secret”! Meaning he didn’t even want people to know we were dating. So, yea, he threw plenty of logs on the proverbial fire. Is it really any wonder that I doubt his motives and his love for me?

So my conclusion is this; I don’t like myself at all and it is hard to like life and the people around you if you don’t like yourself (and visa versa). DUH
AND I have no idea what to do about it.

THE LIST
1) I am not nurturing or caring enough.
2) I do not dress nicely like a proper woman should.
3) I am not a good parent.
4) I am not sexy enough.
5) I am not funny or friendly enough.
6) I am not personable and outgoing.
7) I don’t know proper manners and edicate. (Hey, no one ever taught me how to write a good Thank You note.)
8) I drink too much booze.
9) I eat too much sugary and crap foods.
10) I’m not creative.
11) I don’t read enough.
12) I watch too much TV.
13) I can’t really run (I jog).
14) I don’t know how to relax.
15) I am always too fast or too slow.
16) I have ADHD. (Can’t help it I was born that way.)
17) I have no patience.
18) I can’t meditate (see relax).
19) I’m not HAPPY …….perky…….upbeat enough.
20) I can’t wear high heels (again not a good woman).
21) I don’t care to style my hair and am not good at it even if I try.
22) I don’t get manicures, pedicures and all those “normal” girly things.
23) I don’t have normal female hobbies.
24) Women don’t like me.
25) Men don’t like me other than sex.
26) I am getting old.
27) My feet hurt all the time.
28) I am not trusting.
29) I am not needy enough.
30) I am too needy.

I am not trying to throw myself a pitty party or make anyone feel sorry for me. I am just saying that a lot of my issues (most) probably stem from not liking myself much at all. Which can basically be traced to the fact that so many important people in my life have taught me that I am not worth liking.

I think it was the spring of 2001.

I‘ve been thinking that maybe the anger DID start when Rocco first said he wanted to move out. It was goofy at the time cause he made it out like it was no big deal; we were not breaking up he just wanted his own place. At the time I just got so mad. I guess I knew that the truth was off limits so I would never hear it. I guess he padded the truth because he was TRYING to be nice. You don’t want to leave the house you share with your lover if you are not wanting to break up or at least see how it would feel to be single. Anyhow……that’s not my point. My point is that I know I was mad then and I think that is when everything changed. That is when my life tipped from mostly normal to mostly angry.

Why am I so Angry?

Saturday morning I woke up crabby because I had not slept well and before I was totally awake I spouted some rather mean stuff off at my husband. I was angry because he had slept with our daughter all night instead of me. (She had a cold and was up coughing and he was just trying to be helpful.) No sooner than I was done with my rant I softened up and realized what a bitch I was being.

I apologized profusely and after a little fussing my husband seemed to relax and let it go. But, then he said something that was very insightful and needs a lot of further consideration because I think it is key.

He said “you sure have a lot of hostility towards me, well not just me; you have a lot of hostility in general, but a lot for me too.”

It is so true. I am an angry person. I have been angry for years. I first realized how angry I am down deep inside some years back when I was trying to reconcile my feeling towards Rocco and all that he did and was doing to me. Back then too, it was like a light when on. I am just angry down in my soul.

Why am I so angry? How come it seems like a surprise to figure it out…..again? Where did it come from? Why can’t I get rid of it? What can I do about it?

Maybe I was born this way? Maybe it started when my father abandoned me in 4th grade? I don’t remember being angry back then though. Maybe crushed, hurt and lost, but not mad. I remember just wanting to take my brain out of any area that felt uncomfortable. I know I tried to shut out my feelings and feel like I didn’t care. I still try to do that.

But, I think the anger was there before Rocco left me. I think he felt it and didn’t like it. Even though he has NEVER given me any good information about what actually went wrong with our relationship. Funny how people don’t share their feelings in order to spare you, but not knowing what is going on is really much worse than just hearing the cold, hard truth. (At least it is to me.) I wish he would have told me something real and meaningful about why we didn’t work out. I would so love to have that information to incorporate in to my mind going forward with my life.

I know I am angry that life is unfair. I know that I have no control over life being unfair so being angry about it is a super colossal waste of energy. And, where did I get the idea that life should be fair? I believe it was the Baptist church I attended as a child. They used to give me the idea that in the long run, justice was eventually served. Well, it aint true so don’t you believe it. Bad people win and good people die and it’s all a random fucking over. I do feel like I get more than my share of the bad luck though. I mean I try to do what’s right. I’m not a drug dealer, I don’t break the law, I try to be considerate of others and pull my share of the load in life. I care for my kids and my family and work very hard at my job. What more am I supposed to do in life to get some “reward” or payback for being good?

And spare me the reward is in heaven crap. I don’t buy into it. When you’re dead you are dead and that’s it. You body is trash at that point. And even if I did believe in heaven and hell, I don’t think it is right for “God” to make you pay so much and wait so long for something that you don’t even know if it is real. I mean REALY the whole story is so farfetched and ridiculous and I can’t believe that anyone actually believes it.

So, NOW, how to I solve all this anger in me?

Movie

I watched this last night when I could not sleep. I really enjoyed it. Made me cry like a baby at one point. Good example of how even the best intentions can turn life into a pile of crap!

(I can relate)

Shattered

On Thursday January 6th, 2011, I met Lori, an Aussie SAHM Blogger. I met her through another blogger I read in Australia. She had a sudden tragedy hit her purple life. I had to read to find out what happened and then keep reading to see how she was doing. The whole time I am reading I KNOW EXACTLY what she feels like. I know what is in front of her. I get it. I keep reading. I worry about her. I know her life is forever shattered and forever changed. I know she will NEVER be the same again. And that her life will never be WHOLE again. I know because it happened to me. It wasn’t my husband killing himself but it was a tragedy that shook my whole world. In fact, it was a series of tragedies for me and if only one or the other had happened I might have been able to cope, but instead I got knocked down over and over again…..BAM, BAM, BAM…….all in a row. It was too much and I couldn’t cope. I still don’t cope too well, at least not like I did before it all happened.

Some of this is in my sidebar, but I will try and fill some more in now.

The first thing to start to come unraveled was the relationship I had with my then live in boyfriend. I will call him Rocco from now on. Rocco was my everything; he has done more to change my life than any human I have ever met. He was my lover, my best friend, my soul mate. He was that person that just feels so right. He was the person that you don’t have to WORK to get along with. It fit and it was amazing. The first three years we were together were the best years of my life. I had never felt so loved, so complete and so alive before. He actually told me that I was his soul mate and I believed him. He was not the type to lie or play games. He was level, steady and reliable. We are both accountants and had worked together before getting divorced and finding that we were meant to be. Then he started to slowly pull away. I felt it and I knew it and he denied it at first and then it got worse. To make a REALY long story short, over the next two years, Rocco slowly but surely detached from me and us AND effectively pushed me away as best he could so that by the time he actually moved out (spring 2002) he no longer loved me and I was so confused I didn’t have much faith in anything.

Only a few months before Rocco admitted he no longer loved me, my teenage son, in a fit of new, young, stressed parent anger, struck his 11 month old son and fatally wounded him (x-mas 2001). I would get a call from Friss’s father at 5 am telling me the news. I cannot even begin to explain to you the mental anguish that hits you when you realize your 18 year old son will be going to jail for murder and your 11 month old grandson will be going into a tiny little casket and then the ground; that event, that moment in my life, forever changed SO MUCH in my world. I still at moments can’t bear to feel the pain that comes if I REALLY think about what happened to that poor baby and my son, a child I put so many years of love and work into with the hopes he would grow up to be a happy, productive, citizen in this world.

Did you know your kids can self destruct and ruin their lives in a split second? It is a pretty solid kick in your face as a parent! It will forever change how you feel about being a parent. Did you know that being in jail for 20 years may be harder to deal with than death? Think about it…………

Then……..just a few months after Rocco moved out I stopped by his place to drop some stuff off and caught him half naked with his girlfriend…….his employee…who he had, to my face, denied he was seeing only a few months before we broke up. She is 10 years younger than I am, blond and pretty and they were obviously spending the weekend frolicking around the house in that sexual euphoria I used to share with him. (This woman has a daughter the same age as Ramone who was at her father’s for the weekend I presume.) She was married when Rocco hired her and I am still not sure she did not divorce her husband for her boss, my Rocco. This moment of betrayal stabbed me in the heart and once again, some piece of me was shattered. I really could not believe he had done this to me. I had believed in him so much that I just could not reconcile this reality. I knew that my trust in most anything was gone if I could not even trust my own soul mate. (For years I still thought somehow fate would put us back together because that is where we were meant to be.)

At this point I struggled to sleep and found my mind was swirling in uncontrollable messes and I turned to the medical community for help. First it was sleeping pills from my family doctor but then it was a psychiatrist who started prescribing a few more powerful drugs. At the time I did not understand the side effects and harm this might do. I assumed I would get the help I needed from this doctor because I knew I needed help as my world was collapsing around me.

In November of 2002 I moved into a new house because the memories of the old house were more than I could handle……..it was the house that Rocco and I had found together and lived in together. It was our home and we were no more (he had moved on!) and I needed a fresh start. Within weeks of moving I was sick on the couch and my younger kids were out playing when they went into the abandoned shack across the street. I thought they were on the porch and figured it would be no big deal as no one lived there. Instead the neighbor called the police and the two little kids were arrested for trespassing and destruction of property. There was a broken window on the shack but I am not sure they did it. The house was empty, no one lived there, and it could have been broken before the kids arrived. I was in no mood to deal with more of my children involved in the legal system (and I was super sick with a sinus infection).

In January of 2003 I found out that Rocco and his new girlfriend got engaged. I cut all my hair off in my deep gut wrenching sorrow. (BTW -This was before Brittney Spears did a similar thing.)

As spring approached, I clung to my bicycles as a way to keep it all together. I loved to ride my road bike or mountain bike and looked forward to even doing some mountain bike racing that summer. I even won the first race of the season. In the past few years, biking was my one outlet that was always good for my mind and soul.

I also decided to join the local rock climbing gym thinking I would meet outdoorsy people. Best case scenario I would find a new man, worst case scenario I would build up some upper body strength and have something to do besides sit home and mope after work. How could I lose really?

The rock gym was sponsoring a spring break trip and I decided I should sign up. Again just hoping to keep busy and make new friends. We headed out in a big Suburban all 6 of us who had signed up. I was disappointed there was no one new going, no romantic interests, but I knew I would see new sites and have new adventures. Part of the trip took us to El Paso Texas where we were to Boulder at Hueco Tanks a location with some amazing rock formation and pictographs. While we were there climbing the leader of our group did a poor job spotting me and I ended up dropping 6 feet to the ground with no mat under me and shattering my heal. I had to fly home and find a doctor to do surgery to put my foot back together. I cried and cried because I knew I would spend the next 6 months on crutches. Now, my only valid outlet had been taken away from me. What the hell was I going to do?

I turned to the doctor again and he put me on more medication. Again, in hind sight, bad idea, but at the time I was so scared to go crazy from sitting day and night on the couch with my foot elevated, no relief from my own thoughts.

About now my job got crazy busy too. My boss expected me to work 12-15 hours a day (I was salaried!). I was also working most every weekend for at least 4-8 hours a day. This life was not conducive to recovery or peace of mind. I was a Controller at a tier one automotive plant where the stress and pressure to perform miracles was astronomical. I worried daily that I would be fired and lose my home so I worked as hard as I could no matter what to make them happy while I tried to find a new job in my spare time. I didn’t even get a chance to go to physical therapy for my foot injury. There was no way they were going to let me leave for an hour and a half a day, 3 days a week. I remember one time I was not even allowed to leave to pick up my kids when their dad was out of town. Work totally sucked any hope out of me and took its toll on my life. I realized how ungrateful your employer could be and that there was no loyalty here either. No matter how much of yourself you give to your job, they will want more and at the end of the day, they will throw you away without a second thought when they are done with you. I hated working at all. I hated the materialistic, stock market driven mentality of corporate America. Is money really the most important thing?

I remember driving home from work on Sunday afternoon and just crying (a lot) while listening to Patty Griffin or Sarah McClachlan. I was so lonely and so sad and felt ZERO hope for the future. People would tell me things would get better in time………but time was going by. Years were going by and things were not improving.

I hoped to meet a new man so I dated. It was a disaster. I met a lot of dumb shits; people without jobs, people with drug addictions, men with childish minds, users and losers. I finally realized why my mother had never remarried after my father dumped her. Single men in their 40s are single for a reason……..cause women with a clue would want them!

It was one bad experience after the next. Life just hurt and sucked all the time. I wanted out so badly. I fantasized about killing myself and ending the pain. I understand TOTALLY why people kill themselves. Life hurts too much and it is the only way to end the pain. I get it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it so badly. A few times I almost did. But then I would think of my kids and think I would not want to do that to them……make them live the rest of their lives knowing their mom left them cause she was too stupid to figure her life out and fix it and just gave up and offed herself.

I finally did get a new job (but I am forever burnt by the whole concept of having a career) in the spring of 2004. Then I fired the doctors and therapist (spring 2005) and threw out all the meds which was the best idea I had had in a long time! Now, for the first time I was really starting to deal with what all had happened and it was hard.

I tried to start riding again but found I was always scared that I would hurt myself again. I wasn’t afraid to die (which might actually be a relief), but I was very scared I might permanently maim myself which was something I had not actually considered before breaking my foot. (Luckily the foot has healed well and is not an ongoing issue for me.) Still, I would ride down a hill and think “what if…(insert some crazy accident).” I discovered my once reliable form of mental therapy and physical outlet had been taken from me.

As more time went by, I would bike some here and there and just be really careful. I also started to run which is a bit safer in my mind. Running is my current favorite pass time. It is good for me. I do have some feet issues but I don’t let that stop me because running is important to my well being.

I am now in a relationship, but not sure if it is really better than being single which is sad. My middle kids are now teens and scaring me to death that they may ruin their lives at any moment.

Overall……..10 years later, I am happy to no longer feel suicidal and that life is not all pain. But still, life is never happy like it was before it started to collapse.