Thursday With George

Today I told George about the whole train ride fiasco. He said that he thinks my husband and I both mean well but we are not mixing well. Like oil and water. Nothing wrong with oil; nothing wrong with water, but they just don’t mix well. I know he is right, that my husband was NOT trying to be an ass. I am sure at the end of the day he felt I was unreasonable and squashed all the fun and that he won’t be planning any trips from now on because I am too hard to please. Depressing, and of course we never talked about it.

George also said that he believes that if Husband and I would just spend more time together; a lot more time together, all the issues would work themselves out. He said that most couples just need to spend more time with each other and they will automatically communicate better and become closer. I even have a friend who told me buying a boat saved his marriage. When I asked why he said that he and his wife now spend all weekend together in the boat. This all makes sense to me. At first I was thinking he is right and that is a plan of action I can focus on making happen. I can ask Husband for more time. He did go for a bike with me on my birthday and it was fun. Then I remembered the weekend at the lake when we went for a hike together. He didn’t want to actually have a conversation with me. He is not talkative. It was no fun at all. In the final analysis I always come back to the same thing. He doesn’t feel the need to interact with me. He doesn’t enjoy my company or seek it out. I really think more time together will not help. In fact, we started getting along much better when I decided to get out of the house more and have a life on my own. Depressing.

Whenever I ask husband to do something with me he always says “sure” and acts interested. But then when the date draws near it always turns into him wiggling out of it or the whole thing turning into some sort of unpleasant, overly complicated situation. Nothing is ever easy with him and I am really tired of it all.

I finally finished my book “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse”. The more I read and understand how I am emotionally effected by my upbringing, the more I realize that almost all of the things my husband does that drive me crazy, make me edgy or even uncomfortable are the things my parents did to harm me. In essence he is abusing me just like they did. He may be fine for someone else, but all the things he does that suit his needs tend to be the exact opposite of the things I need.

Example: I like people who are predictable and even tempered. When I was a child, the mood in our house was always unpredictable so as children we were always on edge not knowing what might happen next. My father could be terribly nice one moment but then smack you off your feet the next moment in a sudden fit of anger. My husband is moody and unpredictable which keeps me feeling off balance.

Example: I need communication and interaction. My parents treated me as less than human. I was abused by neglect. My father physically left me and my mother was never emotionally or socially interested in interacting. When husband ignores me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved (and he does it all the time). When husband won’t communicate with me it leads me to believe I am not worth his time or effort. He makes me feel unloved just like my parents did. Husband and I have one “real” talk a month at best.

Example: I need to be told (shown) I am valued. When I was growing up I was taught threw actions and words that I was not important. I now enjoy relationships with people who act like they like me and say nice things to me, etc. I mean that is just normal; don’t all people what to feel valued by their friends and family. My husband never gives me sincere compliments or acts appreciative. He will flip a sarcastic comment my way every once in a while and think he is doing me a huge favor.

There is more but I am tired of going on about it. He is just NOT what I need and George seems to think we could be good for each other if we did indeed pull each other out of our opposite corners and meet in the middle; that we could facilitate growth in each other. But here is the thing……why not just surround yourself with people that get you; people that are already in your same corner?

I just don’t think I am on board with George anymore. He is doing a great job as a marriage counselor by doing everything in his power to save my marriage. But at this point in my life I am more interested in healing the emotionally scarred child inside me and quite frankly, my husband only continues to wound me and I can’t change that unless he wants to change.

And I really need to have a talk with my husband and explain all this to him. Give him a chance to save our marriage. Inform him of his options. Because right now I feel I need to be away from him in order to feel mentally healthy. Sadly though….he never wants to talk.

Fucking Train Ride

Ready for a rather long story?

So around mid August I asked my husband what he thought we should do for our daughter’s up and coming 6th birthday. He responded with “well more importantly what are we doing for yours next week?”
I reminded him that if we wanted to book a party at the gym or the pool we needed to get that done. He said he thought we should skip that this year since she is in a new school and all. Fine with me, less work.

A few weeks ago he suggested taking the train to visit the Grandparents and making that a birthday party weekend. At the time we discussed it (I don’t remember the exact details) I believe I was pulling laundry out of the dryer and he was on his way out to water the grass or something. In other words, we were both busy and no formal talk took place. I am 100% sure no times or dates were discussed and even if they were, I didn’t have a calendar so it was more like “the weekend after her birthday maybe?”

A few weeks ago (before or after above conversation I am not sure) a friend of mine sent me a hay ride invite scheduled for October 5th. I sent it on to hubby and said “We can all go to this!?!” He said great so I put it on my calendar (even though he NEVER goes to anything like this with me but that is another post.) I always make plans and log them in my calendar so I can keep track. And generally if I have plans I stick to them and don’t change them unless something big happens.

So yesterday around 3:30 pm I get this email from Hubby:
HUSBAND: So we are leaving Friday at 6:22pm from [town a half hour away] on the train and coming back Sunday at 4:35pm (returning at 7pm)…does that sound alright? Or we could depart Sunday at 8:51am.

ME: What day are we leaving? I need to give [boss] the heads up that I need off early.

I wait for a long time before he replies……

HUSBAND: Friday the 4th
Early to get to [town a half hour away] by 6:20? I’m not taking off early.
Need to get this booked as trains are filling up.

ME: Well, someone has to drop off the dog…pick up the kid….etc.
Then it is about a 45 minute drive to [city a half hour away] from our house. (we live a bit out of town)
I assume, like a plane, you have to get there early to stow bags, check tickets and bored the train.
So I would figure we would need to leave town around 5.
I would need to leave at least an hour before that to pick up kid and drop off dog. (I try allowing extra time just in case.)
Since….I assume, the dog will stay at Mikes on the far side of town.

ME: Any way we could leave on Saturday?

About now I check my calendar and realize that is the day of the hayride also. I so wanted to go and told everyone we would be there. Frustration is rising quickly at this point.

I wait for him to reply about Saturday. I assume we can talk more details later but then around 4:30 he emails me a copy of the confirmation. He actually bought the tickets! Just like that. Only gave me an hour warning. I am just pissed. I have no dog sitter lined up. I haven’t asked off early. I will need to tell my friend we won’t make the hayride. Grocery shopping and weekend chores will get done when? Who will watch the chickens? GRRRR

I email him back and express my frustration. He offers to cancel the tickets. That actually pisses me off and even more. I tell him to calm down and let me see what I can do. I remind him that we already had committed to hay ride as well. (George told me to not let him agree to things and then act like he didn’t.)

I contact Mike but he can NOT dog sit. Now what will I do?

I just sat here feeling rolled over. Now I have to find a dog kennel I guess. Now I have a bunch of shit to deal with because he just pulled the trigger so fast. I know he was rushing because there were not many seats left. His freakin procrastination is now my problem. Why didn’t he work this out weeks ago so we could schedule it and discuss the details properly?

I left work feeling totally overwhelmed by it all. I took the kids (all three) out to dinner and we had a great time. Then I went home determined to discuss the whole thing some more.

When I walked in he started happily chatting about something else and I told him I wanted to talk more about the train ride. The discussion was crap from the get go and of course, he says I agreed to the whole thing long ago and he doesn’t know why I am upset. I tell him that we never talked details like dates and times. He swears we did. We are both getting mad and the conversation is pointless. I take my pillow and go down stairs to sleep. He was probably thrilled.

This morning while I was running I just decided to tell him to go and I will stay home and do all the work and care for the animals. I walked in the house from my morning run and told him. “Just cancel mine and you two go and have fun. I will tend the chickens and the dog.” He said OK. I may be an idiot but at this point I assume THIS is the plan and start to wrap my head around it. So I miss out on the train ride which sucks but I have a peaceful weekend which is nice. His parents will be pissed. Oh well.

THEN, about an hour after I got to work I received an email saying he would cancel the tickets.
Then a few minutes later this email:
HUSBAND: Done….no problem.
Like I never even fucked everything up in the first place!
Sorry
We’ll have a great birthday hayride!

NOW….to add to the whole frustration with the lack of planning and communicating I also am feeling flustered at how quickly things change. I get my head thinking about one plan and about the time I get comfortable with it he changes it again. I hate the ever moving target crap.

So now what are we doing for her Birthday? I guess that I have to figure that out. And to be totally honest I don’t want him to even go to the god damn hay ride any more.

Big Triathlon Weekend

Overall it was a good weekend. I had so much fun with my teammates and the 40 people from our multisport club that participated and/ or watched. Uwe was there but he was fairly nice and we did NOT spend a lot of time together.

I was on a relay team with these two beautiful young ladies and I am proud to say that we won first place in the relay. Full disclosure, there were only three relay teams competing but still we won.

I did the bike portion of the triathlon. It was a hilly sommabich.


Elevation shot from my Garmin.  Those two big climbs in the middle were killers!


Highlights: The camaraderie of awesome friends and team mates. Good conversation with Tater on the long drive to the race. Exhilarating moped ride with John to fetch my ID. Sleeping in a room with 3 other girls and not one of them complaining that it was too cold. Racing just for fun and not taking it too seriously. The excitement of watching amazing friends do their first triathlon or compete against their dad or concur their first half distance triathlon race.

Lowlights: I dropped my chain twice and took a (small) wrong turn on the bike and overall didn’t feel that strong. My poor performance reminded me that I have not been taking very good care of myself this summer. Even worse, I still had the occasional pang of sadness over the loss of my one time best friend. It can be hard at times to be around him yet not be included.

Husband’s behavior this weekend:
Most of the team went down Friday but I didn’t leave until early Saturday morning, mostly to be nice to hubby by staying home another night. When I got up Saturday I did my best to be quiet while getting ready but of course he woke up and was grumpy that I woke him. I couldn’t help but think “gee it would be nice if you wanted to see me a bit before I leave for two whole days”. I didn’t say it though….maybe I should have.

Right before I left I went to kiss him goodbye. He was sitting in bed eating yogurt on crackers for breakfast. I chirped in a playful tone “good thing you are so good looking or I would have to kick you out of bed for eating crackers” I thought it was cute and would perk him up. Instead he snapped back in a grumpy manner “like you never get crumbs in the bed”. I just turned and left. Probably once again I should have said something like “I was just being playful…lighten up.” But instead I opted to leave the room and forget he is alive for two days.

When I returned home Sunday night I asked him if he wanted to see my swag. I started to tell him about the trip and show him things and he sat there facing forward in the bed watching the TV with no volume. He didn’t look my way or say a thing. I asked if he was upset and he said no just tired. I finally just put my stuff away and said “turn the TV back up”. I am sure he was tired because he had biked 120 miles that day while a friend entertained our daughter for him.
I suppose I should have pointed out how his apparent lack of interest in my life depresses me and makes me feel our marriage is a sham. BUT, that sounds mean so I guess I should have thought of some nicer way to tell him how I felt. Still, I just decided if he was tired I would ignore him which would make him happy.

HOWEVER….I get sick of trying to say the right thing to make things better when he seems perfectly fine with the way things are as long as he doesn’t have to watch our daughter too much. George seems to think I need to press for what I want but I am not good at that and quite frankly I don’t want to have train him like a dog. So frustrating.

THE UGLY TRUTH: I really don’t think I will ever be happy with him. I really don’t think he has it in him to be the friend and partner I want. I don’t even understand how he can be so detached. I honestly believe he has way more issue to deal with than I do (part of the discussion in the car this weekend) and he has buried them so deep he thinks they are gone. That being said; I have been asking myself all weekend could I really leave him….could I actually go through with it and I keep thinking I really can’t. As much as I am unhappy, being on my own is just way too scary and overwhelming. Starting over again….no thanks. Forcing my daughter to be shuttled back and forth between two households….can’t do it. I will never leave him; at least not until she is grown up. I plan to tell a very amazing man that I can’t leave and put his hopes at ease. Problem solved.

REAL

Every once in a while you meet a person and they don’t really impress you much at first. But then, by some twist of fate, your paths cross again and you find yourself realizing that that person is nothing like you imagined when you first met them.

The more you get to know them, the more you like them and realize that you are really connecting. It feels so good to actually talk for hours with someone and have it flow effortlessly and not be misunderstood but instead be understood with ease.

You feel at ease so you open up more. You start to spill all the stories that are held close for fear they will scare people off. You realize that they aren’t scaring this person at all. They understand that everyone has issues and a past. They make you feel even more excepted as you reveal your deeper self.

More complex feeling start to come up but they are easily discussed as they should be.

I am a true believer in fate and I have to accept that this has happened for a reason. I don’t know where it will go or what will happen. I do know there is huge potential for disaster all over the place. I have spent the last few days really thinking hard and I feel there is no way I can shut the door on this relationship. I need to see what it is all about and where it will go.

So for now….I will tip toe down this path a little farther and try to see what lies ahead. I know it takes time, lots of time, to really know someone. I also know that the conversations we are having are not ones you can fake. Something real is happening here.

Riding

My friend Ashton took this photo of us biking Saturday morning. What a nice ride!

Later I hopped a ride on the back of a friends Harley. We had the best time. I am in big trouble folks...I have feelings. (don't lecture me I am not a child)

Ramone's boyfriend moved out. I am overjoyed.

I ran into Rocco's wife while out running Sunday. Happy to report I was not triggered and it wasn't a big deal. Sorry to report my euphoria from above mentioned bike rides contributed to my lack of concern over chatting it up in person with "The Wife".

I love Birdie's belt in the tree!

I bring my dog to work almost every day. This is what happens in between her naps.

"Just get over it already!"

“Why do you let that stuff bother you?”

“He can’t make you upset unless you let him.”

I have heard this stuff over and over again and I always say the same thing…I WANT TO GET OVER IT MORE THAN ANYONE. Yet, I never could seem to get over it. I felt so helpless and out of control. But, now it makes perfect sense. It is not the person that is upsetting me…it is the fact that they are triggering me.

I was reading another blog and the author was explaining that people who are not triggered will never understand but the best way to say it is when you tell us to ignore an incident that triggers us it is like asking a person to ignore a loaded gun pointed at their head. NOT REALISTIC!

I try hard, very hard, to not let things trigger me but it is impossible (for now). And sometimes, the mental mess is there for hours if not days.

Saturday I biked in a charity event. Biking is about my favorite thing in the whole world. I am proud to say that my “team” and I averaged just shy of 19 miles per hour for the whole 75 miles. Normally this kind of day would have left me chipper and high from my accomplishment but instead I was a fractured mess, fighting back tears and hating my life and my mind.

On the drive to the ride, Uwe called to tell me that traffic was a mess. When I asked him a question to clarify the directions he was telling me he snapped at me and became inpatient. I told him to calm down as I was only trying to understand. He backed off but I was already feeling the chink in my armor.

Then after a few hours of riding our group caught up with Uwe and he joined us. (Thousands of people out riding yet we just HAD to run into him.) The first thing he did was tease me that I didn’t say hi. Well I was cycling by him at about 25 miles an hour and I wasn’t even sure it was him he has lost so much weight I don’t automatically spot him like I used to. I did wave when he yelled at me and he accused me of flipping him off. He was joking…but not completely…you know.

At the next rest stop he snapped at me again when I didn’t catch a name he said and asked “who?”

Then at lunch time, again, he got mad that I didn’t hear him ask to take my photo. I was thinking and putting my bike up and he wasn’t that close. He yelled at me and I told him I didn’t hear. He accused me of lying. Said we were not getting along well. He was so irritated with me and I didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. I lost my appetite and choked back tears all through lunch.

After eating and mentally regrouping for about 15 minutes I walked up to him and said “can you please not yell at me no matter how stupid you think I am.” He acted sorry and gave me a hug. But by now my mind was reeling: I don’t want to cry but I can’t stop it. Why does he do this to me? How should I react? How can I prevent it? I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. How do I manage to have my friend turn on me like this? Why is he rude to me and so nice to everyone else? He used to be so nice to me! What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? I can’t even talk to him about it or he will get mad and impatient. Why can’t we just communicate nicely to each other? How do I get myself into this crap? How do I get myself out? Why didn’t my parents love me? Why don’t I know how to love myself so this won’t happen? If I was smart I could prevent this crap. And on and on it goes.

But mostly I just felt like I had been beaten and crushed emotionally and I was powerless to do anything about it.

Mike tells me I am too sensitive. I don’t want to let Uwe bother me but it does…..the fact that a person I trusted and loved has turned on me YET AGAIN….is crushing me. It crushes me because the emotional abuse from my parents taught me I was worthless and now deep down I believe it and here my “ex-best friend” is reinforcing the whole idea.

I am currently reading this book:

It does such a nice job of thoroughly explaining things so that people can understand what emotional abuse is and how even year later it can still effect a person. I am giving it to my husband to read next and one of my oldest dearest friends is getting a copy too. I KNOW he needs to read it to make sense of his life and hopefully it will give my husband a better understanding of what I am dealing with.

George is on vacation again this week. I will have SO MUCH to talk to him about when he gets back.

Thinking Out Loud….Keeping it Real.

1) I know that my husband means well, that he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I don’t know how to tell him what I need. I think if I could do that he would be happier knowing what to do and I would be happier too. His natural instinct of what to do is pretty off from what I need.

2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.

On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.

3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.

4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.

5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.

6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.

7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!

8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!

9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)

10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)

Monday and I Just want to quit.

Overwhelmed.

Again.

Life just keeps me spinning.

I don’t feel like anything works out right…..any one cares…..it’s all a mess and I am helpless.
There isn’t enough time for everything either. I need to read and think and write and work on my “thoughts”. But I have to go to work 40 hours a week. I have to keep up a house with a husband and small child. I have to tend to older kids when needed. I keep making time for fun, like cycling and friends but lately that is not even going well. It’s not making me feel better at all.

And school. My daughter is in a private school. They expect me to pay attention, help out, be present. I am not and I feel guilty.

I feel guilty all the time…ALL THE TIME!!

I feel angry all the time!

I don’t know what I should feel….what’s normal. I really don’t. That is so fucked up.

No wonder ALL my relationships are fucked up.

Update

Work has been hectic and so much is going on. I want to blog but there is no time. :(
Reading good books and learning a lot lately.
Hopefully tomorrow i can get a post up!