He pitched the Porn!

So Wednesday I was kind of worked up so I started an email discussion with my husband about his basement activity:
Me: Why were you in the downstairs guest room?
Husband: So you just wanted me to admit it so you could make me feel bad about it? If you don’t like then we should be intimate more often.
Me: I have no issues with being intimate….I would rather appreciate a healthy love life and some good sex.
Husband: Sounds great! How do we do this?
Me: You masturbating in the basement does not further intimate relations!
Husband: I don’t enjoy having to slink off to the basement to take care of my needs.
I will demonstrate my commitment to team “last name” by throwing away all my videos tonight!

AND HE DID!!

Then yesterday I sent this email to him:

"I love you and I want to make love to you…..NO…with you.
But that involves (for me) kissing, hugging and cuddling.
Not just lip kissing but neck maybe ;)
So……let’s work on being more physically affectionate because that is what gets my motor revved up.
I want you to want me….but I don’t want you to “honk” my boobs…that’s not fun for me.
Act like you desire me (specifically) and that will make me feel loved.
Oh and…..nipples like attention too.
Also, I know you cringe when I say it….but we need to talk more.
We need to up our communication with each other.
I think there is a ton of “miscommunication” because we don’t talk enough.
Lastly....let’s try and do a better job of kissing and saying goodnight to each other.
Compliments are good too….and sarcasm gets old."

When I got home last night Beanie was in bed and as I was taking off my cycling clothes Husband put the moves on me and we had the best sex we have had in a long time.

And we did it again this morning.

I am so happy the porn is gone!

And, because he hates to talk and fears getting in an argument I think I will keep sending him little “love hints” via email once in a while. I think he wants to do the right thing but has a hard time knowing what that is. I don’t mind telling him what I think but he has never been very receptive before. This rather detached way of communicating seems to be working for now.

Ejaculating

Last night I had a fun evening with my new friend Valarie. We biked 16 miles on the trail …her longest ride yet. After that we met friends at The Mexican Restaurant and had a few margaritas and chips. Uwe showed up and looked tired….stressed and just not well. We didn’t talk much and he left without even saying good-bye.

When I got home I climbed into bed and tried to snuggle up by my Husband. BUT as he always does he was way on the other side of the bed, sound asleep and had his back to me with his arm in the middle. In no time I gave it up and went to sleep on my side of the bed feeling lonely and depressed.

This morning, he woke and rolled over and cuddled me. For a few moments I was happy. Then I felt his hard penis on my back side and I knew he was just horny and not necessarily being nice to me but looking for his morning ejaculation. This process gets very old.

Soon he got up to make coffee and I tried to go back to sleep. I had gotten home late and then woke up at 2:30 am to worry about what to do with my job. I knew I needed to sleep but mind was intent on mulling over the situation at the office. At 3:30 am I got up and read my Facebook and grabbed a snack. I am sure it was after 4 am when I finally got back to sleep so I only accomplished about 4 hours sleep total.

As usual I was hot and kicked off the covers. Husband eventually started grabbing my tits which was very annoying. He didn’t kiss me, caress me or do anything affectionate, he just squeezed my boobs. To tell the truth is kind of even hurt. Next thing you know he pops up off the bed and declares “I am too horny to be around you!”

I am just glad he quit pestering me. I try to go back to sleep but soon Beanie is up and I get up to start my day.

After husband left for work I went downstairs to let the rabbit out of her cage and feed her. I noticed the guest bedroom door was open. Looking in there I decided husband had been sitting on the bed. (I did not open the door so I knew he had.) I put two and two together and realized he had done himself a quick hand job when he went out to feed the chickens.

At this point I am thinking to myself “WOW – it’s just out of control!” I understand that people have needs and urges and I get that men have more than women but at what point does the physical need to ejaculate just become some sort of sick addiction?

We had sex on Saturday and I know for a fact that he masturbated at least once on Sunday. I assume he also masturbated on Tuesday morning because this is what he does when I leave to run. So why was it so important on Wednesday? If it had been a week or something I could understand, but one day….really!?!?

And, why can’t he try to get me in the mood so we can actually do it together? I mean really I would like to have sex, but squeezing my tits and humping my ass is NOT foreplay and in no way makes me feel like getting sexy with him.

NEED for the Physical Release

So husband said he would throw out the porn if I promised to participate in sex with him at least 3 times a week.  At first I was thinking sure no problem.  Under normal circumstances (in the past when in a healthy relationship) three times a week was about right for me.

Then I thought about it a little harder and realized that I don’t necessarily want to agree to a schedule and a quantity.  It just seems too mechanical.  I am looking for intimacy not sex and feeling obligated to relieve him of his pressure at least three times a week is not going to help me feel more loved or appreciated.  It most likely will make me feel more used.

I, of course, will ask George about it.  He told me last week that he is worried that husband has a bad habit, also known as an addiction of ejaculating daily.  I mean, generally if left alone he would get up and eat breakfast, take a dump and ejaculate as a typical every morning routine.  Like brushing your teeth it is a daily activity in his mind.

Husband told me he NEEDS the physical release and that is the word that got George to think it is an addiction.  Sad thing is, George says that most all men who suffer from a sex addiction must be treated at an inpatient facility to get over it!  WOW

Anyhow, after more thought, I think he can keep his damn porn and jack off all he wants.  It has got to be easier on me.

Let's Talk about Porn!

The night my husband stayed out until 1:30 a.m. I was sitting there fuming and thinking things like “if he doesn’t come home by morning I’m changing the locks first thing”.  I also, got up and cleared out his porn drawer.  For some reason, that was the first things I thought to do.  I was going to throw it away.  I hate his porn!  (Later I gave it back to him.)

He keeps telling me he does it for me. That he has a very high sex drive and prefers to ejaculate at least once a day so he “uses” the porn to aid him in this activity.  Usually on the days I leave the house early to run, before our daughter gets up, he takes the opportunity to relax with some lube and one of these DVDs.

My husbands porn collection.

He says if he did not do this he would never leave me alone and he would be staring at random women’s breasts all day long. 

You know what I think about it……..

a)      The fact that men are such slaves to their sex drive makes me crazy.  EVOLVE MEN..EVOLVE!

b)      I really don’t want this crap in the same house with my kids.

c)       I HATE the way porn portrays sex!

I think men who watch a lot of porn get effed up ideas about what sex is and what it should be like.   You ever notice that the people in the movies are never in a committed relationship? It is like the pizza guy shows up and the scantily clad horny rich girls having a slumber party drag him into the house so they can have their naughty way with him.  Yes, this is every man’s fantasy, and I understand that is why it sells, but how many men out there start wanting or expecting something similar to happen to them or they are disappointed? 

NO men…..chances are………….your wife is NOT going to great you at the door dressed as a French maid and beg to give you a 1 hour blow job!  NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

Now, I am not advocating making porn illegal nor do I think anyone that watches it has issues.  I think porn has its place.  But at my house it is substituting for a real physical relationship between me and my husband which I am sure is wrong.

I always wonder if he isn’t addicted or something.  I wonder if he didn’t masturbate so much he might have more of a desire to actually work on a real relationship with me so he could be sexually satisfied by a real person.  I mean for a guy that is scared to connect how convenient to have sex with a movie and when you are satisfied you can just pop it back in the drawer until next time.  So neat and tidy, not messy like a real relationship.

This last week husband has been pretty darn sweet and I have been enjoying the low stress feeling of nobody being in a bad mood.  I have been doing great on my diet, getting in my workouts and getting caught up here at work.  Peace is so good for me.  :)

I never did get up the nerve (or have a good opportunity) to discuss “negotiation” with him but I have that discussed filed away in my head should I need it.  

I don’t feel like I really NEED to talk to George tomorrow and I was even thinking about cancelling since it does cost me money.  Then I got to thinking that last week George and I spoke briefly about my husband’s porn habit and he agreed with me that it is not good for our marriage.  I think tomorrow I will go in and talk to him some more about porn and see what George thinks I can do to get the porn out of my house.  (it can be awkward to discuss though)

Husband’s Nice Streak Ends.

First, last night, he wanted me to thank him for emptying the dishwasher.  I told him that he should in turn thank me daily for doing dishes, laundry and all the housework I do.  He then says I should thank him for the yard work he does.  You see, he thinks yard work equals house work.  I got news for him….NOT EVEN CLOSE.

My chores are year round....all week...every day.  He does yard work on weekends in the summer.  You see……the amount of time involved in yard work in less than half the time I spend on house work.  AND, I really wouldn’t mind doing it if he didn’t feel it was my “job” and not even actually appreciate it. 

We both work fulltime yet when I get home I have an hour or more of housework to do each day and he comes home and goofs around in his man room or plays with his bikes.  He has so much more free time than me that it’s not even funny and quite frankly I resent it.  I often leave the dishwasher for him to unload just so I don’t feel completely used. 

Men these days want their wives to be like their mothers and take care of everyone including the house.  But our Mom’s stayed home and that was their whole job!!  Women’s lib flat out pisses me off....it just doubled my responsibility and reduced his. 

At this point I am just grateful that he generally takes out the trash before it piles up too high.  Something I had to quit doing for months before he figure out it was his job.

Then this morning he climbs in bed with me where I am sound asleep.  Wakes me up to “cuddle” and of course gets grumpy that I don’t want to have sex with him.  I am really really REALLY tired of the only time he comes within 3 feet of me is when he feels he is due some intercourse.  SICK! OF! IT!

SEX vs. LOVE

Ever since the puppy arrived husband and I have barely spoke to each other.  Not because anyone is mad or upset but because we have all been so darn busy.  Adding the new (sick) puppy has been stressful and time consuming.

Before the puppy arrived, husband had been giving me some hugs and pats here and there and I was really enjoying it.  So, It has been well over a week since he and I cuddled, kissed or anything.

This morning right before husband left for work I gave him a long hug and a few smooches on his neck and ear.  It felt great to be so close to him.  I NEED physical contact like that to be happy.

I enjoyed it so much that I said out loud “I need some cuddle time”.

Husband said he needed cuddle time too.  He said he was starting to feel depressed.  Now I put these two comments together and got the message that cuddling would help his depression.  Which is exactly how I feel.  A good hugging (backed with love) always makes me feel better.  I was very pleased to hear him convey this message. 

I said to husband “so cuddling will help you to feel better?”  I guess I was fishing for confirmation of my assumption.   He then says “of course” and makes a sheepish smile and then I realize he means SEX!  So now to confirm my understanding once again I say “oh you want to have sex?”  And he says “sure, a happy ending hug would be awesome.”

And here is where I get upset….because……I just feel used.  He seems to only need me when he wants to have sex and then I feel like our interaction is not him giving me love (or us sharing love) but him taking sex for his own satisfaction of his penis.  Does that make sense?

I understand that men convey love with sex, but that is not at all what it feels like to me.  It feels like he has an “itch” and he wants me to “scratch” it.  So basically……it’s just another chore for me.  AND, I never actually get to have any cuddle time just to be close to each other because every time cuddling occurs it’s because he is fishing for more and acts disapointed if he doesn't get it.

I of course, have tried to discuss this with him and all he ever says is “don’t you want your husband to be physically attracted to you and desire you?  I would think that is a good thing that I always want to have sex with you.”

I will never be happy in this marriage if I don’t get some physical, non sexual, affection from my husband.  That is just a fact!