Living With the Moody

My 5 year old daughter usually gets up in the morning very early (before 6) and then proceeds to be very crabby and difficult.  My older kids never did this; they either got up in a good mood or slept until I woke them.  I know Bean is a light sleeper and I try not to wake her.  I have always assumed that she just needed more sleep.  Then this morning it hit me.  She is just a grump like her father.  Who almost always wakes in a bad mood and stays grumpy all day long. 

This saddens me greatly.  Because, you see, living with grumpy negative people just sucks and I hate it but I really can’t just leave them now can I?  So I am stuck in this house with the people who seem to want to be difficult and unhappy most of the time.  I just don’t understand why anyone would want to be that way.  I want to be happy and pleasant and enjoy my life.

Husband says I am difficult and grumpy.  I know that if I am unhappy it is because I let his mood drag me down.  I am normally a happy person with a good outlook but these days I feel like my family is robbing me of that.

I know I should rise above them and not let them affect me but that’s not really realistic is it?  These are the people I live with and see first thing every morning and last thing every night.  I can’t seem to be cheery while constantly surrounded by people who are sulking and complaining or worse yet, not speaking to me at all and putting off a negative vibe.

The teenagers aren’t much better.  If you have ever lived with a teen you know they are just a bunch of moods and selfishness.  Not much fun.

I hate feeling down but gosh, it surrounds me all the time and I just don’t see a solution.  Even my coworkers seem to spend all their time complaining and bitching. 

How do I back myself into these corners?

Being a Parent is Hard

When kids are young…..like Beanie, they wear you out.  Yesterday she was talking constantly, talking too loud and crabby most all of the time from the moment she woke up.  By 9 am I was ready to run away from home or at least find the duct tape so I could silence her for a moment.

Then last night I found out that Monster’s dog (A boxer at his Dad’s house) had been struck by a car and taken to the emergency vet clinic at the university.  I knew it was bad when his dad phoned to say the dog was stabilized and they required a $1200 deposit. 

Around 11p.m. my phone woke me and I saw it was Monster calling.  I didn’t answer, I pushed silent.  I just couldn’t stomach the call.  Then I laid there thinking that he had left me a sobbing voice mail telling me that Duke was dead.  The boy is 6 feet tall and well over 200 pounds.  He is 19 years old now and for all practical purposes a grown man.  I felt for my son who has to endure another heart ache.  Our last dog died only a couple of years ago from cancer and that really tore him up.  I couldn’t get back to sleep because I just hurt for him.

And if I let my mind go there, I empathized with the dog so much I felt nauseous….I think it’s a bit of trauma still left from my grandson dying from violence.  The poor poor dog suffering in pain and not understanding what was going on.  I hope he knows that Monster was holding him at the end when they put him to sleep so he would not suffer any longer.

But hardest of all for me to stomach is that the world is often a bad place and a hard place and a place that is not fair and my poor children are learning that…..of course, the hard way, like we all do.  It is hard to stand by and see them grow up and suffer grown up pains.  At least Beanie only gets mad because her milk is not chocolatey enough or because Daddy ate the last of her Jello.

RIP Duke

SEX vs. LOVE

Ever since the puppy arrived husband and I have barely spoke to each other.  Not because anyone is mad or upset but because we have all been so darn busy.  Adding the new (sick) puppy has been stressful and time consuming.

Before the puppy arrived, husband had been giving me some hugs and pats here and there and I was really enjoying it.  So, It has been well over a week since he and I cuddled, kissed or anything.

This morning right before husband left for work I gave him a long hug and a few smooches on his neck and ear.  It felt great to be so close to him.  I NEED physical contact like that to be happy.

I enjoyed it so much that I said out loud “I need some cuddle time”.

Husband said he needed cuddle time too.  He said he was starting to feel depressed.  Now I put these two comments together and got the message that cuddling would help his depression.  Which is exactly how I feel.  A good hugging (backed with love) always makes me feel better.  I was very pleased to hear him convey this message. 

I said to husband “so cuddling will help you to feel better?”  I guess I was fishing for confirmation of my assumption.   He then says “of course” and makes a sheepish smile and then I realize he means SEX!  So now to confirm my understanding once again I say “oh you want to have sex?”  And he says “sure, a happy ending hug would be awesome.”

And here is where I get upset….because……I just feel used.  He seems to only need me when he wants to have sex and then I feel like our interaction is not him giving me love (or us sharing love) but him taking sex for his own satisfaction of his penis.  Does that make sense?

I understand that men convey love with sex, but that is not at all what it feels like to me.  It feels like he has an “itch” and he wants me to “scratch” it.  So basically……it’s just another chore for me.  AND, I never actually get to have any cuddle time just to be close to each other because every time cuddling occurs it’s because he is fishing for more and acts disapointed if he doesn't get it.

I of course, have tried to discuss this with him and all he ever says is “don’t you want your husband to be physically attracted to you and desire you?  I would think that is a good thing that I always want to have sex with you.”

I will never be happy in this marriage if I don’t get some physical, non sexual, affection from my husband.  That is just a fact!

Kiss Goodnight

Last night my husband and I enjoyed a rare evening of watching TV in bed together without a 5 year old cuddled in between us.  She had fallen asleep early so we put her in her own bed.  We are currently very much enjoying watching Downton Abby on DVD.  

At some point my husband hands me the remote, doesn’t say a word, rolls over on his side facing away from me and puts his head on his pillow and pulls up the covers.

I then say “are you going to sleep?”  He says yes.  I then say “how about saying goodnight?”  He mutters goodnight.  I then asked for a kiss too and he rolled his head around far enough to peck me on the lips.

But all I could think was WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???  WHY DON’T YOU SAY GOODNIGHT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON??  Why don’t you want a kiss goodnight?  Why do you always have to make me feel like I am so incidental?

This was not the first time he did this.  Actually, he never says goodnight and he always rolls way over there and goes to sleep, but normally I just let it pass because I am trying my damndest to just be happy, well adjusted and accept him for who he is.  Not to mention when our daughter is between us I can rationalize that she just in the way (literally) of any affection.

And, as I have said before, it really isn’t very satisfying to get attention merely because you asked for it, not because it was offered to you.  So I generally don’t beg him to treat me nice if it doesn’t occur to him on his own.

These types of little things though, they add up.  They are the constant little reminders every day that he just seems so disinterested in me, that he doesn’t need me and that he doesn’t even think to give me the common courtesy most people would give another person in the same room with them.

I always wonder how he got this way…..what his parents did to raise him to be such an odd, detached creature.

I could almost forgive him if I thought he just had poor social skills or was actually very absent minded but he is not.  He knows what is correct and chooses to ignore it.  I suspect he gets a bit of a thrill out of being so very autonomous that he has no friends and no need for anyone in an emotional way.

Good-Bye Oliver

Oliver was a good looking chap!

Yesterday my husband shot and killed a deer and our rooster.  It is deer season here and we always stuff at least one if not two deer into the chest freezer.  We eat the meat, we don’t waste it.  The rooster, well, he was just a pain in the butt.  He would start crowing WAY before dawn then the rest of the day he harassed and humped our hens.  Basically he ate our food, bothered the other chickens and woke us up too early so he was not doing anything GOOD to earn his keep.  Husband butchered him up and stuck him in my fridge.

Last night the garbage disposal conked out too, so poor husband had to deal with that as well.  He didn’t collapse into bed until midnight.  He is earning his keep big time unlike that rooster named Oliver.

Today I cooked up the rooster; mainly to get it out of the fridge.  I stuffed the meat in packages for Husband to take them to work.  I really didn’t want to eat it.  Not for any emotional reason, just because I like big fat juicy breast meat and you don’t get that with a home grown rooster.  Husband will be happy to eat it so he can have it.

He did however offer some to Beanie.  His exact words were “Hey Bean, want to taste Oliver”.  I was like OMG really?  But she was fine with it.  She tried a bite……she said she didn’t like it.

The puppy was pretty good while Grandma and Grandpa were here which was a relief but then later her diarrhea got worse again and she had to spend the night in her kennel.  She was pretty good when I put her in the first time around 10.  Then I let her out around 2 so she could go potty and then when I put her BACK in she was so upset she yelped and cried for 45 minutes.  When I awoke in the morning I found her covered in poop.  She couldn’t hold it, which I thought would happen, so I had to do a lot more poop cleaning.  I am really tired of poop cleaning.

Tomorrow I will ring the vet and see what else we can do for this poor puppy!

Type A personality with control issues!

Lately I have noticed that anxiety is a huge part of my life and a huge thing that I “deal” with all the time.  I guess I just never realized it before because I am me and this is who I have always been.  I am just used to it.  It never really occurred to me before that most people don’t stress out….A LOT (like I do) if they have to wait in line to check out or look for an item in a unfamiliar store….or shop a very crowded store or get stuck in traffic.  I guess waiting and lack of control just eat at me.  Type A much???

So this weekend…..another huge anxiety issue added to my plate.  Background; we live just outside of town on 20 wooded acres.  On the way into town we pass the only independent school in town.  It is fairly new and we have heard great things about it.  Some of my friends have kids that go there and they all rave about how great it is.  They all LOVE it.

There is also a catholic school in town and then of course the normal public schools but that is about all the options.  Thanks to our odd location (not) in town, we are assigned to go to the worst elementary school in our district.  It is old and full of VERY low income families.  I, of course want my daughter to have the best education possible so a few years ago we decided we would pay the EXTREME amount of money required to send our daughter to the private independent school (IS).  After all, it’s on the way to town so how convenient.

Last year I called the IS and asked about admissions.  They advised that they offer a pre-K class and I passed on that option.  My daughter’s current pre-K class is great.  She loves her friends and we all love her teachers and it is half the price of the IS pre-K class.

So today, the IS had an open house and I found out that there will only be about 8 opening for the kindergarten class I have been planning to send my daughter to because, of course, the pre-K kids get first dibs.  Duh; I should have been smart enough to realize that last year and signed her up.  I am now having huge anxiety issues that I effed this deal up royally.  That I am letting down my family; that I am an idiot and I missed my chance.  Missed chances keep me awake at night….OFTEN!

For next school year we must apply, be screened and interviewed.  Eight lucky kids will be selected from 20-50 applicants depending on who you talk to.  Adding to my anxiety that we won’t make the cut is the fact that this school is more likely to select kids that will enhance diversity or add something unique to their school.  WE are just regular, white middle class folks and I fear we will not be as “interesting” as many of the other applicants.   I am stressing out here….I have NO backup plan!

So to sum it up……I am now freaking out that our daughter will not get into this school that we all have our hearts set on!! Panic has set in and I am totally feeling, like my life is in the balance until next April when we will find out if she is accepted or not.  I am literally sick to my stomach!

Please note that in the last year I have had several well meaning people (obviously ignorant to the situation) tell me that they felt that getting accepted to the IS was not hard and I would be fine so I was not aware of my chances until today.  One person told me as long as I was willing to pay they would take me.  I now know they were wrong.

UGH!!  Stressing.  Did I tell you I have no backup plan?  I so want Bean to go to this amazing independent school where kids are expected to excel and 100% of the graduates go on to college.  I have my heart set on it, especially after attending the open house today.  Beanie loved it so much so that it was hard to get her to leave after we had been there for hours meeting people and touring the classes.  She loves it too! 

And of course, because I am so confident in how my life ALWAYS works out, I am already convinced that we won’t make the cut, that I will hate which ever school she ends up in and I will drive by the IS daily on my way into town next year feeling rejected and sad that we can’t be included.

Basically I know I have such bad luck that I am already resolving myself to the fact that we are not going to be chosen and I will be crying about the rejection for some time to come.

Glimmer of hope….I was told they can put us on the waiting list but with limited class sizes there is no telling when, if ever, we would even get an opening.

Total Meltdown

First thing this morning, the puppy barked and I exploded into tears.  I sat in my new lounge/reading chair and sobbed uncontrollably….husband just looked shocked.  I then (feeling like the world was about to end) began ranting, as I continued to sob, about how I am such an idiot that can’t do anything right ever!

Except the kitchen sink…it rocks.

We have had our new puppy for about a week now.  This new puppy and I are getting to know each other and learning each other’s expectation.  There is potty training and chew control and a whole host of things that I am dealing with.  Hardest of which is the fact that if you kennel her, she whines like you are pulling her toe nails off slowly one by one.  I have never had a dog do this before and I am completely unequipped to deal with a vocal dog.  I like my dogs quiet.  I HATE dogs that bark.  If I want to listen to someone complain I have the rest of the family already subjecting me to that.

I am stressed out…this is hard…..much like bringing home a newborn child.  I have only been getting three or 4 hours of sleep at night between Beanie, my husband, the puppy and the rooster who wakes up at the ungodly hour of 3:30 or 4 to start his incessant crowing.  Oh and I also have a head cold so I am run down and stuffy.

Add to that, from the start, I have been on edge because….well….because….at the last minute the breeder’s husband met us at a Sinclair gas station to give us the dog.  So we never did see her parents or the conditions she was living in.   Also, since then, the breeder has had three more litters.  Basically, because I am slow and should have figured this out sooner, I bought this puppy from a puppy mill and it is making me feel terrible.  Terrible to give them money, terrible that I was so naive, worried that my dog is not OK, stupid for not insisting I see the dog and facility or no deal.

I read two BBB complaints on the breeder this week and I have been having huge regrets that I did not do my homework BEFORE I brought home the dog.  See….I really am just an idiot.

Yesterday afternoon I realized that the diarrhea my puppy was having was getting worse and there was actually blood in it.  I took her to the vet ASAP and they wormed her.  Something the breeder should have done and said she did.  I guess we will never know for sure if she even tried to or not.  I also got some antibiotics for the puppy who has some weird parasite too.  What a mess! Poor thing. 

This dog has pooped in my bed….not once but twice.  I was up at 2 am changing the sheets and washing the bedspread.  I have never had a dog do that before and was feeling helpless as to what to do next.  This was before I knew she was sick and it was just freaking me out to deal with it.

Oh, one more thing, I still needed to finish preparing the house for the arrival of Grandma and Grandpa tonight.   I am so stressed that they are coming to this mad house to actually see what a mess the place is.

See, I didn’t crack up for no reason!

After my mini breakdown, mainly due to lack of sleep, Husband offered to drop Beanie at school and I was relieved to only have the sick puppy to care for.  I decided to put her outside while I got ready for work.  Normally if I can’t watch my puppy I kennel it, but I was in no mood to listen to the whining.  I hoped the fresh air would be enjoyable to her. 

Guess what the puppy did out there….YUP; she whined and barked the whole time.  I started crying again and this time, with no one to see me and become alarmed, I just could not stop crying.  I don’t want a barking dog and I can’t deal with a barking dog.  I have owned 4 other dogs and they did not bark. I am freaking out.  I am tired and sick and overwhelmed.

I decided to call my boss and discuss options.  I was already destined to be late for work so I might as well just see if I could call in sick.  I needed a break …or at least a nap.  I left him a voice message and he texted me back and gave me the day off.    That helped a ton.

I then ran some errands with my nose all red and no makeup on, something I would NOT normally do.  I just didn’t care.  Next I ate a big breakfast and went back to bed.  The puppy and I took a HUGE nap and then, finally I felt better.  I did get the house in order and felt much better by the time the grandparents arrived just after supper.  The dog was quiet the rest of the day.  Husband says we will train her.  I am not sure if you can.  I am still sad but with enough sleep now, I won’t be crying uncontrollably.

Still No Name

This morning Husband watched the puppy for 2 hours so I could go run and he also made shims for my dog gate so it would fill the wider than normal doorway we need to secure.   He also talked to me about dog names some more.  We still can't figure out what we want to name our new little girl.  All of these things I would not have even dreamed he would do a few months ago.  It is great.  It's the way people should work together.

But I do have to say, I had forgotten how much work a new puppy is.  She has sharp teeth and tries to chew EVERYTHING and she can sneak a pee in the house if you turn your back for one second.  Worst of all, she is whining like crazy if I try to crate her.  That makes me nuts.  If I can't watch her because I need to do housework or whatever, I want to put her safely in the crate.  But then she whines so loud that I worry the neighbors will come over to complain.  I have never had a dog so noisy before.  This concerns me.  I can't stand yappy dogs.  :(  I sure hope she grows out of it!

We Did It

This morning all three of us piled in the car and drove the 3+ hours to pick up the puppy.  On the way back we stopped at a state park where there is an old burned down castle.  It was a much needed break from the car. 

On the way down, the 5 year old made it about an hour before she got ridiculously bored (despite all the toys she had in the back seat) and made the ride unpleasant.  On the way back, she had to hold the puppy.  Luckily the puppy didn't mind at all.

Puppy was asleep.

Best of all, Husband stayed calm and pleasant through the whole day ordeal.  I can't say we had fun, but I can say it went well considering we had 7 hours in the car with a 5 year old and an 8 week puppy to deal with.  Oh and the breeder lady turned out to be more shady than I thought....long story, but lets just say some odd things happened.

I really can't even begin to say how much I appreciated him driving and being so helpful.  I am so glad he is not being moody, negative and distant lately.  Of course, the minute we got home I told him to go do his own thing because I knew he needed some alone time being the Introvert and all.   He was more than happy to disappear.

Two Puppies

The week flew by and it was really a pretty good week.  Husband has been super sweet and helpful.

Monday night he even volunteered to pick up our daughter from school and that is usually my night to pick her up.  So while he took her to the gym with him (don’t worry she loves to go there) I tried to track down some brown leggings to go with her Halloween costume.   Then I picked her up from the gym and took her to swim lessons.  She is really doing great at swim lessons now which thrills me to no end.

Tuesday night is my normal night to bike with Uwe, but he was grumpy and we didn’t go.  We did watch TV coverage of all the terrible things Hurricane Sandy did to the East coast.  Wow I can’t get over the destruction and devastation.  My heart goes out to all involved.

Wednesday was Halloween so no ballet class.  Husband joined us at Beanies school for her Halloween party and we all had a good time. He then went back to work and I took my tuckered out 5 year old home to rest.  She did not go trick or treating because she didn’t want to!

As soon as I took the picture she wanted the make up off!

Thursday morning I ran with Stina as usual.  She is now pregnant (weeks not months yet) so I am kind of palling around with her as much as possible because I know in a few months she won’t be able to run with me anymore.  I am also going to sell her my jog stroller so next summer, we can drag the baby along on our runs.  Man I am going to miss her while she is out of commission thanks to her pending little rug rat.  She is always so much fun to chat with and I just enjoy her company so much.  She makes a 10 mile run fun!

After work on Thursday Uwe and I finally did get on the bike.  Yea!  We had a nice ride and then after I logged my phone into the Wi-Fi at his house and tried to upload some videos to YouTube.   I think I have it figured out but ran out of time and had to get home.  Right now I have ballet videos in my Smartphone that I can’t get out and I want to post them on the family blog so badly so Grandma can see them.

Tomorrow, we are driving to pick up the, yet to be named, pup.  Husband and Bean are both going.  It is going to be an all day family outing.  I am really excited.  Husband says he can’t understand why I would sign up for all the work of having a puppy.  I guess it’s a girl thing but I am so looking forward to having that little pup in my life.  I know it will be work, but I really want a dog because you know they are mans (and woman’s) best friend!