All about Pop

My father was born on February 3rd, 1925 to a couple of poor, alcoholics living in a coldwater flat in downtown St. Louis. He was the oldest of 4 children (2 boys and 2 girls). There are stories, not sure if they are true, that they would steel food so they did not go hungry. When he was 11 years old, his father died, presumably due to alcoholism. As a teen ager, he was drafted into WWII, and before he left he made sure to marry his sweet heart and knock her up. Later, the baby was still born.

While my father was off in France fighting the war, he met and had an affair with a women named Simone. Her husband was in jail at the time. After Pop returned to the states, he found out that Simone was pregnant with his child. So both Pop and Simone got divorced and Simone and my older brother Chuck, who was born(in 1946)by then, moved to the United States. My father married Semone and adopted Chuck and two years later they had my older sister Linda (born in 1948).

My father went to college on the GI bill and received a bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering. He got a job at McDonald Douglas Corp. designing fighter jets for government contracts. He also got a pilot’s license, which was a lifelong dream of his. As a child, we always flew our little 4 seater airplane to Grandma and Grandpa’s house! My father and Simone also purchased a lovely 4 bedroom ranch home in the best school district. They were living the American dream!!

Then, my father craving a more intellectual partner met my mother at work and started an affair with her. He later divorced Simone and married my mother on August 1st, 1964. My mother did not have children and was over 30 so she set about starting a family right away. I was born on August 29th the following year. My brother Chuck was in Vietnam fighting the war, so they moved his stuff out and made his room the nursery. Some years later he confided that he didn’t like me much back then, taking his room and all. When I was about 3 ½ years old, my little brother, Bill, was born. I actually remember the day he came home from the hospital and I remember feeling jealous!

Pop wore a suit and carried a brief case and we thought he was very successful. Later, as an adult, I learned that my father was a smart guy, but my mother is a REALY intelligent person. She is freaky smart. She has an Electrical Engineering degree and graduated with honors in only 3 years!! She told me that classes were free after 21 credit hours…..so she loaded up.

As a child, I worshipped my father, but I guess all little girls do. My father was not one to play with us or lavish us with love and attention. Mostly, we were trained to be good and not bother him. If we were lucky, we could watch him do a household project or sit by him and watch “All in The Family”, which was one of his favorite shows. I remember we were not allowed to talk during the news, so we would wait for the commercial and then yammer away.

He did teach me to ride a bicycle…..sort of. He took the training wheels off and gave me a push and I just did it; started riding. I can’t recall what I was thinking at the time, but I would not be surprised if it was “better get this right or I might be in trouble!” He certainly ruled by fear.

We had a modern kitchen table with swivel chairs. The chairs had metal leg with four “feet” that stuck out. If you got in trouble at the kitchen table, he would smack you so hard you might fall off the chair and land on the metal feet, which was very painful. This must have happened to me many times because I remember it so well. My brother Chuck told me that he too remembered being smacked off those yellow swivel chairs by Pop.

Mostly, I remember the feeling that everyone was always on their best behavior so as not to piss him off. I refer to it as “walking on egg shells”. I am sure my mother warned us over and over again not to do this or that because it would make him angry and no one wanted him angry!

Then one Saturday, it was about 1975, my father got up, rented a small U-Haul and loaded up a few choice belongings and left. I did not understand what was really happening. They told me he was leaving, but I think I assumed he would be back. It took awhile for the reality to set in. My little brother doesn’t remember this day, but I do.

After that, my father would pick us up on Tuesday at 5 pm and take us to McDonald’s (probably our choice) and buy us dinner. He did not eat. We would sit and chat and then at 6 pm he would return us to our mom’s house. We never went to his house except Christmas and Fathers Day and we NEVER spent the night, not once. He mailed my mother the child support checks like clockwork and paid for part of my brother college, per the divorce decree, but usually if you asked him for help or money, he would turn you down.

One day he showed up on Tuesday wearing a wedding ring and I asked and he told me that he had gotten married. I recall feeling slighted that he did not tell us about it before it happened and then, he did not mention it until I actually asked. We were just not part of his life anymore and that hurt.

Many years later, I knew the whole story. He had met a woman at work. I think she was an executive secretary. She was not young or beautiful, but I guess he thought she was classy, that she was a step up from my mother. At the time he moved out of our house, she also left her husband and they moved into an apartment together. They are still married to this day!

When I was 30, I moved a few hours away from where my father was living and when I was in town I would call and ask if I could stop by. More than once, he told me that he was busy with the shopping or trimming his hedges or whatever, so, “no” we could not stop by.

When he and Mona got older, they decided to stop the Christmas and Fathers day get together because they were too much work. All four of his kids offered to help so it would be less work for them, but they were not interested in making it happen.

The last time I was there (probably in 2001), I really felt as though they did not want me around. And it really hurt my feelings. I cried all the way home. So I decided I would never put forth an effort to see him or call him again. I decided that it was always disappointing and painful so why bother. I was open to him making an effort to be a part of my life, but I knew that was not going to happen. He NEVER called me, not once to talk or ask to visit.

So, years went by and he never contacted me and I did not contact him. At some point, my sister asked me why I hated Pop. I told her I love him and asked why she thought I did not. She said “you never call him or visit”. I said “he never calls me either!”

My Family is "Complicated"!

So my sister from California showed up out of the blue this weekend. We sat up until 3 am talking. She sort of tricked me into talking to my dad on the phone. Now I am thinking I may go visit him. This is turning into a BIG deal. I am too busy to do a full blown write up……but I will keep you posted.

From left to right, my sister's boyfreind, my older 1/2 sister (same father), Bean and me.

Also.....I must add.......My husband still loves me even after meeting my sister......I am totally impressed.

He must REALLY love me!

Yes, It has come to this!

why can't they just go away?

So just now, I flipped over to Facebook because someone left me a comment. I checked the live feed and my friend Nichole had commented”10 hour car rides are not my friend”. My first thought was they were going to Michigan for Thanksgiving with her husband’s Dad. Her husband is an old friend of mine; we used to work together about 10 years ago. (I was even his boss for a while.) He is a mutual friend of me and the X-boyfriend. I commented “where you going?” and then, it hit me, it is 10 hours to Denver. I bet you anything they are headed to Denver to stay with my X-boyfriend and his new wife for the week. They will go skiing or boarding and have an absolutely GREAT time. The x-boyfriend will show them all the fun stuff and they will be talking about this trip for months to come. He is a lot of fun….especially in Colorado. I was so regretting my question. I really don’t want to know.

A few months ago, I ran into another old friend, Craig, in the grocery store. We said hi and chatted. He told me he and his wife were headed to visit my x-boyfriend and wife next week and they were really looking forward to the trip. At the time, I sure didn’t want to hear about it. Not sure, but if I remember correctly, this was before me and Hubby were engaged. I know these people don’t realize how much I am still hurt by it all and I know that I would never tell them or they will just think I am mental……..which I am.

But, I really do get tired of tripping over the X-boyfriend and his wife. We have mutual friends on Facebook and her name pops up and my stomach sinks. I found her blog not too long ago and then was faced with blow by blow accounts of their lives since they moved to Colorado when she started the dumb thing. I don’t read it any more. I can’t. It is too depressing to me. She strikes me as a very immature and self centered person which makes me think less of her which makes it harder to deal with him choosing her over me. I know for a fact, that he chose her for two reasons. One, she is younger and two and probably more important, less kids. She had one and I had three. And he told me at least once……..you don’t need more kids. I know he wants to have kids someday and this young women with only one child is a better choice.

I hate it. I hate that they are not just gone from my sight; my life. I hate that they have a fun and exciting action packed life like I used to. I hate that I always feel like she stole my life.

And yes, if I could, I would trade her. I know that sounds nuts and I know it is impossible, but if I could I would rather be with the X-boyfriend, not where I am now. I would rather be in Colorado not Missouri. Where I am now is better than nothing, but it is not ideal. It is not my first choice. It was just the only thing that came along that was bearable; that I could live with. I so hated being alone you know. I am not good at alone.

I was so much happier back when I was with the X-boyfriend. He was my best friend. We hung out together and talked and were, well, a couple…….a close couple. Husband is a man. He says that girlfriends are who I should talk to. He likes his “me” time. He prefers to be alone more than with me. I know this is just who he is. He will never be close to me like the X was.

I am done whining since there is nothing I can do about it I need to just let it go. I need to count my blessing instead of inventorying my losses. I am glad that my daughter is healthy and she is a joy. I am glad that my husband married me so I don’t feel so used any more. I hope someday, I will truly be happy again……like I once was.

Petty Comments / bad movie

Call me no fun if you must…….but I just hate Brangelina!

Over the weekend, I tried to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith AGAIN. It was on network TV last weekend and I found it near the end. I watched it for a while and found it unbearable. It was so contrived and so ridiculous. I hate the all action movie where the “hero” shoots everything with ease and the other guys can’t touch him. 20 bad guys shoot at once and not a one can hit the hero. I turned it off before the end…..I had to stop my suffering.

Well, this weekend, I was killing time while the baby napped and it was on TV again. (Network TV is in big trouble obviously.) This time I stumbled upon it near the beginning. Since we do not have cable or dish TV, there are not a lot of options so I decided to give it another shot. Because let’s face it, anything is better than major league football! Maybe, if I saw this award winning movie from the beginning I would not be so judgmental; maybe it would actually make sense. Well, I was wrong. It still stunk........it stunk even worse.

Now I was not only offended by the action, but the romance as well. This married couple was absurd and I hate what they represent. Of course your first instinct is to just off your spouse if they are in the way…..obvious choice…..no brainer!

AND, on top of all that, I know that in real life these two are a couple. I know that Brad Pitt fucked his wife, Jennifer Aniston, over so he could be with Angelina and this is the movie that started it all.

And people worship these two like they are Gods? They have no shame.

I know I am just being a negative old hag, but I hate these two and all they stand for. Really, they collect kids like Paris Hilton collects hand held puppies. I just find the whole thing appalling.......and what’s up with his goatee?...........and her stupid random tattoos?

Are you here.....Really here?

One of the books I am reading is all about “being in the present”. The idea here is that the past is gone and the future is not here yet so the only thing that is real is the present. If you are spending your time thinking about the past or plotting your future, you are wasting your present. Also, you can’t change the past and you really don’t know what the future holds so you really are wasting your time and energy if you spend much time on either. You should be focused on the here and now and live in the moment to fully appreciate it and get the most out of life.

Sounds good to me....I’m buying it.

I always think of eating and how I sit and read while eating and “poof”, before you know it, I am all done eating and didn’t taste a thing; didn’t pay any attention at all. So then, I will decide to eat and actually pay attention. No reading, no TV, no looking out the window or day dreaming. I look at each bite and think about my food, how it taste and how it smells and how much I am enjoying it or not enjoying it. It is actually really hard to do, but it is certainly the way to fully experience your meal and get the most out of it. It is also a good way to reduce calories consumed assuming you will eat less if you are actually paying attention to what you eat.

Now, I am somewhat dyslexic and I also have ADD, so all this focusing on one thing at a time is really hard for me. I am normally the type of person who is doing 3 things at once and still thinking about a few more things on top of that. I know this makes me seem a bit scatter brained at times and I know it is not the optimal situation, yet this is how I seem to operate. Spreading myself too thin over a larger than necessary area. It’s just who I am and I am always fighting it.

Cycling has always been therapeutic for me because it helps me to slow down and think of one thing at a time. It forces me to be more focused.

For a while I was on Adderal for ADD and it was amazing to actually focus on one thing at a time and have the things all around me disappear. I remember not too long after I started taking the meds that I realized I had no idea whose car was in the parking lot at work. My office had a window that overlooked the parking lot and I was in the habit of unconsciously seeing who came and went all day. At any point, I could pretty much tell you who was in the office and who was not. This was handy to the receptionist in the office next to mine because I would also listen to all her conversation and when she received a call for Tom and I heard her say, “let me see if Tom is in” and I knew he wasn’t I would bark out to her “Tom left about an hour ago”. She would say “thanks” and let her called know. All the while, I was actually getting a lot of work done as well!

I have since had to give up the Adderal because it was causing as many problems as it was solving. But, it was a great chance to experience the world more like “normal” people do.

The day of my wedding, I went to get my hair styled and on the way back a strange thing happened. I was driving towards my house when I noticed I felt different. At the time I could not label it anything but maybe wedding day craziness. But, now that I have been listening to this book I can honestly say I was totally in the present and it was great. I remember that I was so happy to see my family and so excited for the day’s events my mind was just stuffed full of the excitement of it all. There was no over thinking, no day dreaming; I couldn’t remember anything that was on my to-do list and I couldn’t even think of tomorrow or yesterday or even 10 minutes ago. It was so liberating in a way. I was totally consumed with my love for my family and my friends and the joy of the day. I did have a hard time getting ready for the wedding because I was just engrossed with whatever popped up in front of me. It was like my brain was perfect for that day and all that really matters in life was all that I could focus on. I know that all wedding days are glorious and happy (or at least they should be) so this is no big revelation. The point is that maybe, it is that glorious and happy because on that day, there is no yesterday and there is no tomorrow, there is only the present and it is so big and wonderful that it consumes us totally and we experience life to the fullest.

And wouldn’t it be nice to be able to do that every day!!?!?!?!

The more I try to rid myself of a thought....the more I am stuck with it.

A few years back, I was examining my life and it occurred to me that I have pretty much been mad at the world for years……..for most of my life. I am sure that it all started when my father dumped us and my sister dumped us and my mother mentally checked out (if she was ever there). I was abandoned and I resented not having a family to take care of me and all the stuff “normal” kids had. That anger continued to grow as I got older and added to the list of things I thought were unfair that happened to me.

The one important thing I determined at the time I figured this all out was that I had never actually been aware of that underlying anger. I did not realize it was there. For years and years, it was there, but I did not recognize it. I thought I was a pretty happy person. I thought all the “challenges” I had faced in my life gave me strength and dimension. I tried to put a positive spin on it all, or at least only felt sorry for myself, but I never thought for a minute of myself as ANGRY. Now at age 38 I was discovering that under the facade I had built, I was really an angry person. It was the first step in figuring out what to do about it. Know thyself!! It is a great piece of advice.

Over the next few years, I read books, saw a therapist, talked to friends, tried to meditate and did anything and everything I could think of to deal with my anger and other mental issues. I learned a lot and things did get somewhat better. Maybe time just made things better……but they did improve.

Now, I will be the first to tell you that you are not alone when bad things happen. Bad things happen to everyone. We all know that. I certainly don’t want anyone to throw me a pitty party. I also know that it is stupid to dwell on the past, I know that this anger I have inside me is of no use to me. I know that I would be better off without it. I know that holding resentment from the past negatively impacts the present and that is NOT what I want to do at all.

Here is the catch though……….knowing I don’t want it and getting rid of it are two VERY different things. It is so easy for someone to tell you “get rid of that old baggage, it is doing you no good at all”. It is a completely different thing to actually be able to get it out of your mind, your heart, your life, especially when it has been a constant companion since you were in the 4th grade or there abouts.

For some reason, I woke up this morning particularly angry. It always seems to really sink in during the night. I lay awake in bed and think too much and I just get mad as hell. Then I say to myself……”self, think about something else. Think about something nice and happy.” And some days, it works and others I can’t seem to get my focus off of the injustices that are chapping my ass or the depressing shit that is just making me blue.

This morning I was thinking about how when people tell me they have a great dad, a loving father that has always been good to them, my true feeling; my actual thought is, incomprehension. I actually, have no idea what it means, what it is like. It is a concept that is so far out of my realm of comprehension that it just means nothing. Like Charlie Brown’s teacher is talking…….it’s nothing. How sad it that!! How ridiculous is it that my brain can’t even get around the idea that someone would have a real father. It is like my mind says “impossible” and just kicks it back out. In general, most of my friends don’t have fathers. I often wonder if somehow that is a common bond that we are not aware of……. some sort of 6th sense.
After I spent some time dwelling on my poor upbringing, then I moved on to spend some time thinking how shitty it is that I can’t trust my husband and how ridiculous it is that I even bother to talk to the ex-boyfriend at all. And, still care what the hell he says.

I guess I just want total control of my mind and I know that is not possible. Then I try to learn ways of getting rid of all these negative feeling and thoughts and the more I learn about it, the more I realize that the more I think about it the more I just defeat the whole idea of getting rid of it.

It is a big freakin’ circle that I can’t free myself from! No wonder I get depressed……..

Thinking about Alcoholism

So I think my father is an alcoholic. Or at least he was last time I saw him. I say he was an alcoholic because his drinking defiantly, negatively affected his family. He would drink too much and then act abusive….or irresponsible…well, just plain stupid.
I remember, when I was a child, going to the 905 liquor store with my mom and getting cases of wine. Yes, he bought his wine by the truck load. I remember when he ran the car into the garage while trying to pull the car in and he was so drunk he missed. I remember that he may not drink daily, but when he did he drank A LOT. I mean 2 or three bottles of wine..maybe more. Then once he was drunk he would start fights….or drama. He never thought he was an alcoholic. I don’t think he realized how much he hurt those around him. On the other hand, maybe he was just an asshole and the booze had nothing to do with it. Maybe he would have broken Chucks (my older ½ brother) arm anyway. He did once almost beat me to death, while sober, for saying “no” to him. I don’t remember why I said it, but I know he chased me to the other end of the house and whooped the crap out of me for talking back to him.

I also think Friss’s biological father (his name is Scott) is / was an alcoholic. He was not like my father in that he was not a part time heavy drinker. Instead, he came home EVERY day with a 12 pack of canned beer. I think it was BUSCH. He would always drink 2 or 3 on the drive home and then slide the box in the bottom of the refrigerator when he arrived home. (I remember after he left thinking “why do I have this big empty spot on my fridge shelf???? Oh yea……no more beer!”) He then drank the rest that evening. Yes, he was drinking a 12 pack a day. He was never rowdy or stupid…..just buzzed all the time. I remember thinking that I never saw him sober……ever……he was always buzzed. I, by the way, never drank his beer. I didn’t like it. In fact, I didn’t drink much at all back then, maybe some wine on the weekend, but never touched that old yucky box of beer on the bottom shelf……….never! I think I started drinking beer back in 2002 when a friend turned me on to Amber Bach. I remember thinking “this stuff aint’ bad”.

I know Miss Dennison was a drunk. When I was a kid, one of my best friend’s moms would sit at her kitchen table and drink vodka by herself. Eventually, she would pass out on the table. She did this every night. We were teenagers back then and more than happy to have her pass out so we were unsupervised. Her loyal Cocker Spaniel dog Mead would sit under her chair and guard her if we got too close. I remember thinking how pathetic she was. I am pretty sure she was battling depression and mental illness and as teenagers, we were not very sympathetic.

I am not concerned about my own drinking habits at this point. Yes, I know that my Halloween drinking was stupid, but that is a very rare occasion. The last time I drank that much was around 9 years ago. So, I am not real worried that I will do it again anytime soon. I have however, pretty much vowed to avoid hard liquor going forward. It’s really not of interest to me so to simplify things I am just banning it. French fries are another thing I have banned. They are evil and fattening and it is easier just to say NEVER.

My husband has been complaining lately that we are alcoholics and need to quit drinking all together. I on the other hand do not feel that way. We are nothing like the three examples from my past I wrote about above. We do sometime split a 6 pack on a week night. We've been known to split a 6 pack more than once a week sometimes. Is that really such a crime? I think that having 3 beers, at home in the evening, between 6 and 9 pm is not out of control or excessive. May not be the healthiest thing in the world, but does not make us alcoholics. I get up the next morning and do my 6 mile run with no problem.

On the weekends, we may drink a bit more…….share some wine…….or have, heaven forbid, two six packs in one day. I like to have beer in the afternoon and do yard work and then drink some beer and barbeque dinner. I don’t get falling down drunk, I don’t pass out, I just enjoy my little buzz. Is that so wrong? Actually, after a beer or two, my husband is more friendly and talkative which is another reason I like a few beers on the weekend.

If I thought it was out of control or dangerous…….I would stop. If I was driving drunk…..I would stop. If I was getting abusive, I would stop. If I was passing out, I would stop. If I was getting fat, I would ban it! But mostly it is just fun and relaxing.

He told me he worries that he could not stop if he wanted to. I know I could stop if I wanted to. I don’t feel that it has any hold on me. I think it is an unhealthy habit, one of many that I have, but I don’t think it is alcoholism……at least not for me. Maybe it is a bigger deal to him and I should be more sympathetic. I think he worries it has a hold on him.

Still Searching

Last week, I decided to get some books to read. I have not read anything lately, except for magazines thanks in part to having a small child and a full time job, but also because it seems like it is hard to settle in and read a book unless your life is in a relative state of calm. This calm is something I have hardly seen in some years, but now that it is here, I want to read more.

I thought for a while about what I would like to read if given the chance and decided that “self-help” books were probably in order. Part of me feels silly choosing a self help book. Like it is somehow not intellectual enough or makes me appear in need of help which is somehow unattractive. I suppose people have sneered at me more than once in the past for reading a little pop psychology. On the other hand, I keep thinking that now that I have clawed my way out of the depths of despair, I really want to look back, understand what happened and have a bit of game plan in case the evil powers of the universe should conspire against me in the future. I keep hoping I have paid my dues and they won’t, however, I also keep thinking that bad shit keeps cycling around and it will find its way back to me again at some point.

I decided to check out a few books from the library, but when I searched the card catalog all the books I was interested in were already checked out. I then looked into checking out an audio book. I am tech savvy and a bit ADHD and dyslexic, so I decided an audio book was the perfect solution. I have an MP3 player and can picture myself unloading the dishwasher while I listen to my latest book.

I down loaded one of the first books I came to that looked interesting figuring it was my destiny. It is a short book called 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Wayne Dyer. I listened to the whole thing over the weekend and it was chocked full of great advise. It did not, however, give much advice on how to accomplish all those secrets. I mean, telling someone that the past is irrelevant and they need to not let it influence the present is a sound idea, however, if you are at all like me, you can’t seem to flush the past from your mind and let go of your old baggage. I need advice on how to accomplish the 10 secrets now that I know what they are.

Actually, I knew most of them already, but, if you don’t beat me over the head repeatedly, ideas just don’t sink in and take hold. I have actually started to listen to the book for a second time already. My only complaint about the book is that I find all the references to God to be a bit distracting or confusing. I guess I don’t like the term God, because it has so many meanings attached to it and for every person those meaning are different. I believe in a higher power, or spirituality in the universe, but I don’t like to label it God.

Also, over the weekend, my husband and I went to see the new Cohen brother’s movie A Serious Man. This was a thought provoking, yet funny movie that was pretty much on target for what I am “studding” with my book and mind these days. The key phrase of the movie is “Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you.”

This is, when you boil it all down, the key to life.

One of the things I have struggled with in my life is the question of “why”?
Why me?
Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this or that?
I suppose it is a question that all people struggle with, although some more than others, I suspect.

I have grown to understand that there really is no "why" or reason for why things happen. That life is basically random and good things happen to bad people, and good people and bad things happen to good people and bad people. This concept, however, has been a huge pill for me to swallow. I have tried to understand where I got the idea that there is order in the universe or a meaning to life. That things should be fair. The first thing that comes to mind is Woody Allen, but I can’t actually blame him, I think he is just struggling like I do. He is the proverbial boat with me. I keep thinking it was the Baptist Church my neighbors took me to as a child, or the Catholic background of my father and older sister. Don’t they all harp on reaping what you sow and good things come to those who wait and the meek shall inherit the earth, etc. etc. I always thought that bad things happened to people because they were doing something wrong and somehow deserved the consequences. When you take fair consequences out of life, it all seem so scary to me. So random, so unfair.

Tequila and Halloween are not a good mix

My Halloween was both terrible and great all at once.

Terrible: My Husband and I had Grandma come to town to watch Bean so we could venture out and do a grown up activity together. Actually, it was a group bicycle ride with drinking and costumes. Think float trip on wheels. I was sooo looking forward to having the fun filled day with my friends, my bicycle and my husband. The weather was sunny and my expectations were high. Things got off to a pretty good start and we were having a lot of fun and seeing tons of people we never usually get to see because we are stuck at home with a toddler. Then, my new friend Meredith offered me a shot of tequila. I was in party mode and happily slugged some tequila from a water bottle and then chased it with a bottled margarita mix. It was really tasty. The party mood and freedom of it all got the best of me and I did more shots of tequila than I should have. To keep the story simple, let’s just say I spent the better part of the day sick from drinking too much and NOT having any fun at all. I was so disappointed in myself………I could not believe I had ruined this day by drinking too much. I am no kid and I know how much to drink and not drink and what happens if you screw it up. I don’t know what came over me that made me go nuts and forget that booze is not cool-aid and it will kick your ass. I really think the joy of freedom, of feeling like a childless person got the best of me. I think the real story here is that I need to have a social life…..I need to do fun things with my husband more often, get a babysitter. I felt terrible all weekend; both physically and mentally.

Great: So how did this bad day have something good too you ask? Well, the good came in the fact that my sweet husband took care of me all day. I really felt like he and I were together; like we were a married couple that belonged together. If you are at all familiar with our background, you understand how huge that is for me. There have been many, many times in our past that we went somewhere together and he pretty much acted like he barely knew me. But this weekend, he was super sweet, loving and by my side. He never got mad at me for getting shit faced on our beautiful day out. In fact, he was very sweet and understanding about the whole thing. (He did his fare share of drinking too much and acting stupid which may explain his extreme understanding.)

So, the good that came from it is the fact that I feel closer than ever to my husband. That I feel our love is getting stronger all the time. We have vowed to do more social activities together and be more outgoing on a regular basis. This is something we really need to do and the fact that we both agree about it is great. My husband can be an antisocial jerk at times, so the fact that this all went down and he seems to have found the positive in it makes me happy as can be.

Side note: The other cool thing that thrilled me was when a girl at the party noticed my ring and gushed over it. Now I shopped long and hard for a ring that I thought was really cool and unique and have had very little feedback from the general public. All I get is the obligatory “oh what a lovely ring” said with little interest. So to have someone who genuinely seemed to dig my ring was a thrill for me.

Still sad that I didn’t get to enjoy more of my day out :(