Last night JDK wanted us to all tell what we where grateful for. He went first and then Beanie and then it was my turn. I told the truth. I said "I am grateful that no one beats Beanie and that she doesn't assume her father will kill her". They both looked at me like I was from outer space....but truly that is what popped into my mind.
I am glad that this little girl....who is totally a mini me.....isn't afraid of her parents and doesn't worry we will kill her.
When I was growing up I didn't know the difference. Now I do so I keep my mouth shut....people will thing I am weird...damaged...broken...fucked up. Stay away from the weirdo!
But seriously...on some level, this is my life, this is my reality, this is what I actually do think. Why can't I share with my closest family members? Why do I feel that I can never...ever...just really be me?
Beanie is the kid that reminds me so much of me that she has made me see...just how awful it is that my parents treated me like they did. I could never treat her like that. She is too young, beautiful and innocent to destroy her with my selfish desires. How did my family....my parents....actually live with themselves after the things they did to me.
Little sweet girls.....don't need to be beaten and taught that life is hard and that they will have to suffer forever. NO!! they need to know that they are whole....and important...and special....and everything that anyone could hope for. They need to know that they matter and that they are valued.
They need to know that they are perfect just the way God made them....and that is a beautiful thing!
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Just Catching up
Finding time to blog is so difficult! I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I get up at 4:30 every morning and I am CONTANTLY on the go. I usually work about 20-30 hours for the Café and go in for 4-10 hours a week at the Construction company. I also pick up Beanie every day from school at 3:30. I have been making it to they gym 3 days a week for at least an hour and then I have my 5:30 am runs on Tuesday and Thursday and long run on the weekends, around 2 hours. AND I do all the house keeping except for vacuuming which JDK like to do. He also purchases the weekly groceries but I still end up running plenty of errands throughout the week for one thing or another.
Yesterday I took Beanie to the orthodontist. They said she doesn't need braces until she is 12 years old. Very relieved that is out of the plan for a couple more years.
She is currently taking a Karate class with her dad but when that is over she is going to join the very popular local swim club. She will then have swim lessons 3 days a week. That will make it all even more hectic for me but it will be very good for her to get the swim practice and the exercise.
I currently talk to Friss every single morning but I am going to start skipping talking to him a few days a week and allocate that time to blogging. We don't NEED to talk every day and it is costing me around $50 a month to talk to him. I think it will be a better balance to blog twice a week instead of talking to him.
I really do try to prioritize my life based on what is most important to me. First is family then my health and then my employment. That is how I rank it in my head.
Oh...speaking of health I tried to get on line and see what health care from the ACA (Obama care) would cost me and they require you to enroll before they will even tell you the rates. I was so aggravated. I didn't sign up. I really hope they come up with a better solution and I hope they make it so I don't have to pay the penalty this year. (the one thing I think I might actually be happy about Trump in office.) I am not a fan of the ACA but I have no idea what they CAN do that would be better. In the long run a lot of people got health care because of it who wouldn't have it otherwise so that is good. Still baffled why we can't come up with a system like Canada, the UK or Australia.
A couple of weeks ago JDK and I had yet another spat about houses and later that night I was laying awake in bed mulling it all over and realized that I don't have to give it another thought if I don't want to: I am living in a house that I like and can afford.........so, as of now, I am not selling my house and I really don't care what he does with his.
Very relieved to let that grief just go! (Yeah me.)
Besides being so stinkin' busy everything is going pretty well. JDK and I have been getting along really well since I just dropped the house stuff. (I have no idea what he thinks is going on or what he really wants, I just never brought it up again.) He is living here 24/7 and only goes to his house to pick up things and check on the place. He keeps hauling a few things at a time to my house. I have already retrieved all of Beanies clothes and most of her stuff from his house so she is completely moved in here except for a bunch of stuffed animals and a few toys she no longer plays with. (All she wants to do is play on her tablet....another blog post for sure.) I really need to sell all her Legos but I didn't buy them, JDK's mom did. I don't want to piss anyone off so I just left them sitting at his house in the empty guest room.
Yesterday I took Beanie to the orthodontist. They said she doesn't need braces until she is 12 years old. Very relieved that is out of the plan for a couple more years.
She is currently taking a Karate class with her dad but when that is over she is going to join the very popular local swim club. She will then have swim lessons 3 days a week. That will make it all even more hectic for me but it will be very good for her to get the swim practice and the exercise.
I currently talk to Friss every single morning but I am going to start skipping talking to him a few days a week and allocate that time to blogging. We don't NEED to talk every day and it is costing me around $50 a month to talk to him. I think it will be a better balance to blog twice a week instead of talking to him.
I really do try to prioritize my life based on what is most important to me. First is family then my health and then my employment. That is how I rank it in my head.
Oh...speaking of health I tried to get on line and see what health care from the ACA (Obama care) would cost me and they require you to enroll before they will even tell you the rates. I was so aggravated. I didn't sign up. I really hope they come up with a better solution and I hope they make it so I don't have to pay the penalty this year. (the one thing I think I might actually be happy about Trump in office.) I am not a fan of the ACA but I have no idea what they CAN do that would be better. In the long run a lot of people got health care because of it who wouldn't have it otherwise so that is good. Still baffled why we can't come up with a system like Canada, the UK or Australia.
A couple of weeks ago JDK and I had yet another spat about houses and later that night I was laying awake in bed mulling it all over and realized that I don't have to give it another thought if I don't want to: I am living in a house that I like and can afford.........so, as of now, I am not selling my house and I really don't care what he does with his.
Very relieved to let that grief just go! (Yeah me.)
Besides being so stinkin' busy everything is going pretty well. JDK and I have been getting along really well since I just dropped the house stuff. (I have no idea what he thinks is going on or what he really wants, I just never brought it up again.) He is living here 24/7 and only goes to his house to pick up things and check on the place. He keeps hauling a few things at a time to my house. I have already retrieved all of Beanies clothes and most of her stuff from his house so she is completely moved in here except for a bunch of stuffed animals and a few toys she no longer plays with. (All she wants to do is play on her tablet....another blog post for sure.) I really need to sell all her Legos but I didn't buy them, JDK's mom did. I don't want to piss anyone off so I just left them sitting at his house in the empty guest room.
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