Living Together - 2 Months

Well it has basically been 2 months since Kevin and I started living together.  Overall I think things are good.

We got off to a bit of a rocky start.  Moving is stressful and then he got sick and he was such a jerk that I was truly shocked.  But once he felt better he was back to his sweet self.   Then I got sick.  It seemed like normal would never return.

Watching the 3 year old grandson has been difficult.  I really don't mind watching him from time to time but having him all weekend is tough.  Not to mention that he is a moody and dare I say an "odd" child.  I mean he is actually scared to go to the park or touch grass.  He cries for at least an hour before he will fall asleep.  We have Beanie 4 nights a week and then the Grandkid most weekends and that leaves very little time to just be a couple.  It takes it's toll.

Beanie told me the other day that sometimes she gets tired of having Kevin and Roslyn around.  I guess we have added 2 people to her "family" and that has got to be hard in some ways.  I think everyone is fairly happy and get along; but still, there is that added element that I have never actually dealt with before.

You see when my parents got divorced, my mother never remarried or even had a boyfriend around much.  My father and his new wife went off and had a new life without us.  There was never a step parent situation.  Later when Randy and I divorced, he never successfully dated and although I lived with Rocco for a few years, he kept a distance from my kids.  So again, there was never a step parent to deal with.  I'm in unchartered water hear and I need to really keep that in mind.  I don't want to do anything that isn't good for Beanie.

Work has been making Kevin grumpy for months now and I had really hoped it would get better and ultimately work out for him.  But lately it is starting to get to me too.  He has been coming home late; around 6 or later which means it's hard to squeeze in a bike ride before dark.  I feel like we never do fun things together like we did last summer.  Not to mention that he is more stressed and grumpy when he gets home.

The other night he was getting work emails and responding to them at 8:30 pm.  Some big deal about credit applications not being filled out correctly.  He ended up on the phone talking business so I just went to bed.  If they think he is theirs 24/7 this isn't going to work for either of us.  He is due a $20k bonus in October and hopefully by then I will have a decent job and he can find a new job.

Thankfully money has been a big non issue.  Kevin says he trusts me to spend wisely.  He is willing to pay the bills while I take the summer off.  Monday night he set up the bill pay feature on his internet banking site.  Now when he receives a bill he just goes into his bank account and schedules the payment and then files the bill away.  It is very simple and he is so happy about it.  He was all "why didn't you show me this years ago!?"

He definitely treats us like a happily married couple in the money department.  He always says it is OUR money because what's his is mine and vise versa.  It's funny cause JDK always "said" what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.  LOL

At this point the house is well organized and we are all falling into our daily routines.  Life is peaceful.  I feel safe and loved.  I think feeling safe makes everything else just so much easier to deal with.  I love stability!

Blogs Aren't Real

Funny story.
I have to share with you.

Last weekend Kevin and I were talking and he says to me "you know, Chumplady isn't real...don't you?"

I asked him what he meant by not real.  He said that it was a team of writers writing for entertainment purposes, you know like a TV sitcom, and there is no real Chumplady person.  I calmly told him that he is mistaken, that Tracy is a real person living in Texas and people that comment on her blog are real "chumps".

He said I couldn't prove that.

He told me that Birdie isn't real too.  He said "have you ever met any of your "blog-friends" in person?"  (I always call you guys my blog-friends).  I told him no because they don't live near me or even in some cases I don't know where they live. 

He then said "SEE!! they aren't real."

I said well one of them friended me on Facebook, do you think her FB page is all made up too.....like her blog is?  He said well it could be since I have never actually met her.  I told him that I could drive to Nebraska and see her if it would prove to him that I am not some gullible idiot who has a lot of not "real" blog-friends.

He kind of annoyed me and then he backed off saying he was just messing with me.

Later after the whole conversation sunk in I decided that he really doesn't understand what a blog is nor does he understand that I actually have one and that is why I have "blog-friends". 

Which is AWESOME!

I used to worry that once we were living together it would be very hard to hide my blog from him and he would find it because he would want to use my computer or be nosy about what I was doing.  Man was I wrong.  He rarely comes in my office.  He has ZERO desire to touch my computer and although he was very into the details of my life at one point he now seems to be like a normal man who doesn't even notice when you get a new perm.  (not that I would ever get a perm again.  LOL)

Heck I have sat and drank a glass of wine with him in the evening and the next day he will tell me he didnt' even notice I had wine last night.  Guy is clueless.

He really is a pretty tipicle man.   

BTW - he reads a sports website ALL THE DAMN TIME.  So he has no room to talk about reading internet junk for fun.  HA!

My Life Now

This morning I got up and told Kevin I needed some money to mail with his and his daughters tax returns and some money to pay some bills.  Mostly of the bills that are the result of getting this house in order.  There was $600 for the new craft cabinet and all the kitchen and bath stuff from Target.  He, without a single complaint, handed me 4 signed checks for me to fill out as needed and mail/deposit.

I have bill pay all set up on my internet banking and it is slick as snot.  I "push" all the payments when I want them to be paid and I do it all from my online banking website (one location).  He generally pays his bills online but goes to each vendor and uses their bill paying option.  It is a lot more work and if he loses his password he loses his mind.  He told me now that we are living together we need a joint system.  This morning, I said "how about I pay all the household bills and you write me a monthly check to cover them and you pay your other bills as you like?"  He said that would work great and so, simple as that, we have a plan.

Once again, after YEARS of butting heads with JDK, I am overwhelmed with joy at just how easy it is for me and Kevin to put together an efficient plan that works for both of us.  This is why he is my rock.  He is a kind, loving, giving and agreeable person.  He and I make a good team.  My life is so much better because of him!

AND...I think he would say the same of me.

So today I set up the gas bill and the combined utilities (trash, water, sewer and electic) to pay from my BOA account.  I still need to set up the house payment but it is not due until the first of May.

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Monster has been doing a great job of getting to work and to the gym despite the fact his car is dead. Today I told him WE would go to the gym.  Meaning I would work out at the same time he does so I wouldn't just be chauffeuring him around.  I have told him this before but never followed through but today, I put on my capri yoga pants and hit the gym with the boy.  I got in a great workout and best of all me and the (now 21 years old) boy connected and communicated. 

He showed me his favorite machines at the gym.  I joked about how I bench the bar only and can't do it with any weights on it.  His backpack zipper wasn't working so I offered to bring him an extra of mine.  He needs to file for a lost title to his car and we made a plan to get that done.   I love that I can be here for him.  I feel like a real mom!

AGAIN, I am so grateful to have this time with my kids.....to be here for them instead of at work feeling rushed and overwhelmed.  I couldn't do this without Kevin and I know that.  How awesome is this!?!!

I am so very happy.

Cooperation

Just like most Saturdays, I got up and ran with Stina.  That girl is due in 6 weeks and still looking GREAT!  She is slower and can only manage a distance of about 5 miles at a time now, but she still wants to join me and I am so glad for the company.

Today I got up early and ran to her house (2.5 miles) then ran with her and then I ran home.  My total mileage was 9.66 which is way higher than I have completed in months.  It didn't kill me and I was thrilled with my pace given my current lack of fitness.  This was a GREAT start to my day.

Back home I was all wound up and in a great mood because that is what a good morning run does for me.  As I showered and got cleaned up Kevin and I discussed what we each wanted to do with our day off and then we devised a plan and mapped out a tentative schedule that satisfied us both.  We would grab breakfast at McDonalds then head to Lowe's before it got crazy busy, stopping at Hobby Lobby on the way home.  Then take the truck up and buy a load of mulch.  Then spend the rest of the day getting the yard in order.

As we talked and made our plans I was acutely aware of how (in my opinion) THIS is how it should be, this is how a relationship should work.  We talk effortlessly with each other; we communicate well; we can make a mutually satisfying plan.  We enjoy spending the day together. 

The contrast from how my used to be for years and years with JDK was heavy in my thoughts.  He would be grumpy when I got back from running.  He would try to bring me down and resent my good mood.  He would have his own plans for the day and not want to be with me much less discuss them with me.  He would have disappeared soon after I got home leaving me to watch our daughter all day long by myself.  Or I could go search for a friend if I wanted companionship.

Having lived with JDK for years makes me so very greatful every single day that I now have Kevin instead.  The last time I felt this content with life was when Rocco was living with me and still invested in our relationship....I think that was 1998 or early 1999!!  It has been a very long time since I had a healthy relationship!

Life is GOOD!

Always Cold

I took this picture of Kevin this morning.   This is a typical morning.  Not sure why, but I just feel like sharing......so let me tell you all about it.

He is talking to a guy at work.  He likes to manage from the house as long as he can get away with it.   They always start calling or texting him around 6 am.  He usually leaves the house after 8.  He always goes in to work late.   Not sure why he does it but he swears he won't get in trouble.  His truck is in the driveway running....he is waiting for it to warm up.  I prefer to keep my car in the garage so it doesn't need to warm up.  If I had a real job I would probably get there on time....or close to it.  Piddling at home for as long as possible would not appeal to me.

I brought him that bag of McDonalds.  It contains an Egg McMuffin.  He usually has an Egg McMuffin for breakfast every day.  After he wolves down that sandwich he will guzzle that juice that he purchased at HyVee.  He prefers to shop there so he can avoid "the people of Wal-Mart".  When he eats so fast and chugs a drink I cringe a little.  I believe there are many good reasons to eat slowly and chew thoroughly.  He says he enjoys his juice more if he drinks it all at once.  Weird.  I generally don't like to eat "fast food" and I certainly try not to eat it fast.

That couch and table will NOT be moving to the new house.  YUCK

He has an "I" tablet.   I have a Nexus tablet.  We both spend more time on our tablets than we do watching TV.  I would NEVER buy an apple tablet.  He would never buy anything but Apple products.

See that pretty brown throw he is under?  That is what I got him for Valentine's Day.  It is a heated blanket.  His skinny little shivery dog is under there too.  The dog loves it almost more than Kevin does.

You see, this man is always cold and I am almost always TOO WARM.  This is a constant struggle for both of us.  I don't want to freeze the poor guy out but then again, if I am sitting there in nothing but shorts and a tank and still too warm then we have a problem.  Also I can NOT sleep if I am too hot.   I tried, just for him, and I can't do it.  I wake up covered in sweat!  I sleep best when the house is about 60 degrees.   Kevin complains his head gets cold.  It occurred to me the other day that he has very little hair so his head probably does get colder than mine.

I told him early on that this would be an issue for us.   He prefers the house at 68 degrees.  If I am just sitting around I can handle 68.  But, if I am actually doing something besides sitting still 68 is too hot.  I keep my house between 60 and 65. 

Generally he lets me control the temperature in the house and then he complains periodically.  I believe that keeping the house really warm just conditions you to be colder all the time.   I go outside and run in the cold weather and it is a lot easier to handle the temperature outside if I am not emerging from a house that is super warm.  I am used to the cold and I like it that way.

Kevin loves his new blanket.  I do too!  Now I can keep the house cooler and he just gets under his blanket and doesn't complain that he is cold.  In fact, he takes it to bed with him.  For Christmas he will probably get another one.  Ha!

We are two very different people.  I honestly have more in common with my ex husband when it comes to stuff like this.  But, I don't let it bother me.  We make it work just fine.  We don't squabble over little things.  We compromise and get along.  No one has to be a winner. 

At the end of the day, I know he loves me and would do just about ANYTHING for me and that is what really matters.

AND....the heated throw was such a great idea!!  (I am proud of myself)

The Tractor

We finally got enough snow that Kevin could break out the tractor. 

He absolutely loves this tractor!!

We live in town so other than pushing some snow there is no real practical reason to have this tractor.  Yet, it takes up most of our garage and is given love and care like a member of the family.

You see, Kevin's Grandfather purchased this Ford tractor brand new in 1952.  He used it on his farm.  When he passed away, Kevin's dad Bob inherited the farm and the tractor.  The farm house that Bob had been raised in was long gone by then, but they owned the land free and clear and it brought in a tidy sum by being rented to the neighbor for his cattle.   Bob stored the tractor in a shed on the land. He would go visit it regularly and take it for a spin.  Later he had a friend restore it to it's original glory.  Bob loved the tractor too.  It reminded him of his childhood.

Eventually Bob was offered a good sum of money to sell the farm land  and he feared he would also need to sell the tractor.  He didn't really have anywhere to keep it and without the land I guess he just figured it would be silly to hang on to it.

When Kevin heard he was selling the tractor he eagerly phoned his dad and asked if he could buy it.   His father was so thrilled that Kevin wanted it he gave it to him for free. 

So, when we went shopping for a new home, we had to get a house with a 3 car garage or at least a john deer door in the basement.  Silly old tractor is a pain in my butt!!
........but hey, it's family.

Turned it Around

I woke up this morning and it was cold and rainy so I texted Stina and we agreed to skip running today and try for tomorrow.  I then happily cuddled up next to Kevin and went back to sleep. 

Beanie was at her Dads house.

We slept rather late and then lingered in bed as he read his tablet and I checked Facebook and blogs.  The clock was ticking and I was getting bored and wanted to get up and do something.  I am not good at relaxing, especially when I am well rested in the morning. 

Finally we agreed to get up and run some errand before working on the remodeling at his house.  I assumed we would spend the afternoon on finishing the wall paper removal followed up by getting some fun time doing the puzzle we started on New Year's Day.  (My favorite New Years Eve of all times involved a puzzle so this was something I had really looked forward to for weeks.)

I also still had to plan a workout in there some how, before I got Beanie back.....you know my NYR!

Friss called and stalled me getting out the door and by the time I got to Kevin's house to pick him up it was almost 10 am.  This is VERY late for me to have done NOTHING at all yet.  I was starting to stress a bit about being so unproductive.  When I arrived he was doing dishes and not ready to go.  I snipped at him "can't those wait till we get back?"  Heavy on my mind was how crowded Wally World gets on the weekends.  I hate to fight the crowds to shop and usually do my shopping at 7 am if I can.

He finished the dishes while I tried to be patient.  As soon as we left he wanted to go to McDonald's and get breakfast.  This aggravated me.  Why the hell didn't he eat while he was waiting for me rather than start the dishes.  UGH.  We did the drive through and he ate in the car I had JUST cleaned yesterday.  I was not "loving it".  I didn't eat....part of my diet is no eating out!  Wasn't that hungry anyway.

Next it was groceries for him (I was well stocked having gone shopping yesterday) and the sand paper we needed for the project.  We arrived home around noon and started on the wall.  Finally some progress was getting made and only half the day was wasted.  GRRR  I was making mental notes about how I am such a morning person that in the future I might be better off to get up and do my own thing and meet up with Kevin around noon when he gets going.  My uncle does this with his wife who adores sleeping in and they have been happily married forever.

The phone rang and it was Aaron, Kevin's son, he needed a babysitter.  OH GEEZ!!  Now we are going to be saddled with a spoiled 3 year old.  All I could think of was HIDE THE PUZZLE!

I thought this through and knew that I needed to get my work out in and then I would feel better so while he went to fetch Gage I did a run in the drizzle rain.   After a decent 6 mile run I went home and colored my hair, took a shower and started dinner.  My mood was much more positive and I was now looking forward to getting back to Kevin's house and eating a "family" meal together.

Luckily we only live .75 of a mile from each other because there is a lot of back and forth that goes on.  The bulk of it is on me and I don't think he fully understands what a hassle it is for me to plan ahead and drag things back and forth between our homes.  I so look forward to the end of March when we will finally be in one place be it is current home or a new one.

I texted JDK to bring the girl home at 5.  The exact time I wanted her.  I recently realized that my trying to be flexible and agreeable with him was just making me feel annoyed as I wait on his timeline, so I would be better off to just ask for what I want and if he has an issue then negotiate.  So far it is working like a charm.  I know it sounds easy but the process of asking for my needs to be met first is not my first instinct.

Back at Kevin's house I finished up dinner and we tried to get Gage to sit and eat with us.  He was tired and cranky and is in the habit of having pizza for dinner so he wanted nothing to do with my baked chicken, green beans and croissant rolls.  His Grandpa is really frustrated with how his son parents the toddler and I agree with him.  The kid is spoiled rotten, has no bedtime, won't eat anything but pizza and knows how to throw a VERY loud tantrum.  We ate our meal and encouraged him to join us which he refused and screamed it was icky.   He cried and moaned that he needed pizza.  G-pa handled it all very well and eventually the exhausted hungry boy cried himself to sleep while we did the dishes and Beanie feasted on desert because she ate her healthy dinner like a big girl. 

Finally we all cuddled up on the couch to watch Property Brothers on DIY TV, a show we all three enjoy.  I was in a great mood and I feeling positive.  I was proud of how Kevin handled the kid.  I was happy that I managed to get my needs met.  I was proud of Beanie for being a good "auntie" by setting a good example.  I had made my mental notes about how I will do better next time so I don't start of the day so cranky.  It all worked out just fine.

At 9pm we came home and Beanie went to bed.  I was very awake which is not uncommon when I am hungry.   I made the best of my time by getting my workout tracking all set up and logging my calories and linking my Garmin to My Fitness Pal.  I then stayed up reading until almost midnight.

It was a good day!

Oh....and after my run I weighed 137 pounds.  Already seeing some progress.  It is encouraging.

Last Night

After I typed up that sloppy blog post last night I headed over to Kevin's house.  On the way over I was thinking that I am just being codependent because I am letting all these other peoples problems (not really my problems) feel like pressure on me to solve them.

I really don't think I would have gone over to his house if he had not insisted and I knew he would come to check on me if I didn't.

When I got there I sat down and we talked.  I didn't dump out everything in my head at first.  I worried he would be disgusted with me if I just start spouting my truth all over the place.

Historically many people in my life have no sympathy for me when I start to really open up.  They don't understand what happens when you are triggered and the world gets small and your head is not right.  It seems I get told I am being ridiculous or I should somehow be above getting depressed (my parents) or drug down by other people in my life.  And there has been more than one person tell me that I am too negative.  That one really sucks.  I really don't think I am a negative person.

Anyway, I fully expected Kevin to at least give me crap for still letting JDK push my buttons.  To my relief, he was patient, loving and helpful.   To be honest he is always very kind and accepting.  I guess I have a hard time getting used to it though.  (There has only been a couple of times he wasn't and you know all about them since I blogged them.)  Day in and day out he is a very easy person to get a long with and he seems to always see me in a good light.  He has a high opinion of me which is so very lovely after 8 years of being "tolerated" by JDK.

We did text XH#1 back.  It was good that I waited until i was feeling less emotional.  I simply asked him what he needed me to do.  He replied that he just wanted to understand how much debt there is and how much he would be responsible for.  I had already told him that I would have time to work up a summary AFTER thanksgiving.  I reminded him that I hadn't yet figured all that out but I would have it in the next few weeks.  He said thanks and was then satisfied.

Kevin doesn't think I am crazy or ridiculous he just thinks I try to do too much for too many people.  He is so darn good for me.  In no time I was feeling better and when we went to bed I felt so safe and loved and happy that all the "problems" seemed manageable.  

I thought to myself about XH#2 "this is why we are divorced.......we don't communicate well at all".  And that thought gives me comfort.  I believe I had my hopes up that now we are divorced he would be more open and honest with me because he wasn't feeling trapped by me.  Then again when he is nice I wonder if I should have given our marriage another chance.  Days like yesterday reaffirm that we should be divorced.  Anyway, the thing I need to keep in mind is that XH#2 is who he is and will continue to be who he is and I need just expect that.  I could have totally avoided yesterdays deal if I had just kept the kid and not expected him to take his shift. 

I spoke to Friss about the whole thing and he thought that maybe I should be more open and honest with XH#2.  For example when he is saying "yes" with a tone that reads "no" I should just ask him "I hear you saying yes but I get the feeling you aren't really up for it?" or something like that.  He thinks I am still stuffing down my feelings in order to keep peace and that is the real issue with XH#2.  That I should just tell him how I feel or what I think.  IDK....it's something to think about.

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I read an article the other day that I keep thinking about.  It was about happy marriages and the two most important things researcher find when studying them.  First is that you focus on the good not the bad.  All of us have good qualities and bad qualities and the key is to focus on the things you love about your partner and not get caught up being irritated by the bad things.  Don't get hung up on the spit in the sink instead focus on the fact that he always puts the seat down which makes you very happy.

The second item is a little harder to explain but this is my recollection of how it works.  Happy couples turn to each other.  They pay attention when one needs the other.  If I call Kevin and say I got an upsetting text message, he will ask all about it and really listen.  He doesn't respond by changing the focus off of my comment and onto what he wants.  Even in small ways this is huge.  Just looking up at the cute puppy on TV when asked to makes you feel your partner values you and what you think or do; that they want to be a part of your life.

I am happy to report that Kevin does both of these things so well.  I sometimes struggle with them because I have ADD and my brain goes too fast.  But more and more I keep these things in mind and make sure that I am doing them because I love him and I want us both to live happily ever after.

 

My Hero (again)

It was Saturday morning and I had already done my long run with Stina. Kevin and I started to pull up the old carpet that was in pretty good shape since no one really used that front bedroom for anything other than a dumping / storage area. The carpet wasn’t easy to get up because it was under the closet doors but after some moaning and struggles we got it done. I also removed everything from the wall including the old mauve (YUCK) window valances that had been on there since he purchased the house in 1995.

Once the carpet was up the beautiful wood floor could be seen. I don’t think they are as shiny as the rest of the upstairs but hopefully no one will ever notice that but me. The quarter round trim boards had been moved up to accommodate the carpet and now would need to be removed and put back down. Kevin was worried that they would break and not survive the relocation. He pulled up the tack strips while I yanked out the BIG staples that are used to secure a carpet pad. Sadly, they all leave holes in the floor. Why did people do this to such a beautiful wood floor?

At one point I felt he was frustrated about how much work this was and really wishing we had NOT pulled up this fairly new looking carpet. I worried he was mad at me and would somehow lash out at me or express displeasure with me for talking him into this project; for making him work so hard. I tend to expect that people will be unhappy with me and punish me.  I have issues. 

We are trying to sell his house and I have been brainstorming ways to make it look as good as possible so we get a good price and the house sells quickly. I am sure that the hard wood floors will be a selling point so why not get that one last bit of carpet off them? I just didn’t really think through all the possible issues like the finish being different or the trim being raised up. I started to regret that I had pushed for this project.

But you know what happened? He finessed that trim off in one piece and put it back on so you couldn’t even tell there had once been carpet. One little chip did fall off but he got some wood stain and fixed it so you could not even see it. He never got mad at me, complained or acted like a jerk.
WE just worked our butts off and completed the project together. Both of us doing as much work as we could. No one taking advantage of the other person’s generous nature.  It was fun....and satisfying.

Sunday I went and purchased some paint and we both agree that he would roll and I would do the edging. It only took a bit over an hour to paint the small room. Wow it looked nice. Next, we moved the big dresser and chest out of his bedroom and into the front bedroom. He polished the furniture as I hauled the drawers over and before long we were done. We make a damn good team, we do.

Last, but not least we went and purchased a small area rug to finish off the room. It looks great and his bedroom is the next room to get fresh paint. We are leaving his bed in there under the ceiling fan. The room looks so much bigger without all that furniture crammed in there.

I’m telling you………….this guy is THE ONE!!

So Proud

I don't know if proud actually sounds right since he is a grown man, not a child, but I feel pride in his accomplishment.

This weekend Kevin and I did a two day charity bike ride to collect money for MS. Saturday we biked a total of 76 miles and today we biked a total of 28 miles. For a two day total of 104!!

(we would have biked 40 on day two but I wanted to get my daughter back so Husband wouldn't be all grouching at me that I never keep her.)

That's a lot of miles... especially for a man who only took up cycling this summer and has only owned a real road bike for about a month. He is a natural on the bike!

We even rode in a pace line for a while (which is super smart if you are trying to conserve energy for a long ride) and he did a great job of figuring out what he should and shouldn't do and not being an annoying novice.  I mean most beginning cyclist are no fun to ride close to, one wrong move and you can have a wreck.

He told me he really had fun which makes me SO happy because I just love love love cycling.

Birthday Weekend

For my birthday, we did a little road trip for the weekend. We hopped on the motorcycle and went to Memphis. We stayed at the official Graceland campgrounds right by the house and museums. It was a bit rainy to have only a motorcycle as transportation but other than that it all worked out perfect.

Friday we drove down and had great weather.
Saturday the rain let up long enough that we snuck out for breakfast and found a place that had great pancakes which are one of Kevin's favorite foods.
We toured Graceland on Saturday and got there a bit early and beat the crowds.
Saturday night we took a shuttle to Beale Street for dinner and just to hang out. FUN!!!
It was great to have the shuttle and not have to worry about driving back to the camp site. At 10:30 pm we jumped on the bus and I fell asleep on his shoulder the whole drive back.

Sunday morning it was raining but we walked to a nearby café and had an amazing breakfast. The toast was to die for and I think they just grilled it on the cook grill and slathered it in real butter. I have never loved toast so much!

The sun finally came out around noon (SO HOT) so we hopped on the Harley and went site seeing. We went to a museum called the Pink Pallace. It would have been a great place to take my little Beanie so I was really missing her at that point. We also tried to tour an old historic home but arrived 3 MINUTES too late. Mean lady at the door would not let us join the tour after it had started. We were sad.

Sunday night was another trip to Beale Street.
Monday we road the motorcycle back home and for most of the 8 hour drive we watched thunderstorms rolling around in the sky but only got sprinkled on once. LUCKY!!

It was a GREAT birthday weekend and I wish I had time to post more photos and tell more stories. Maybe later.

(the only bad thing is I am now 49!!....that is really freakin' old!!!!)

Clarity

Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and tried to get a bunch of things done. I became very frustrated when everything I tried to do didn't work out. I talked to Kevin on the phone and he soothed me and was very kind and supportive.

Then, while I was delivering the Bean to school, he stopped by and fixed her clock for me. I didn't ask him to do this, he just did it on his way to work because he knew it was one of the things that I was stressing over.

Next, when my first attempt to get Ramone's new car inspected failed, he fixed me up with a friend and got me in right away. Car was passed but I was advised it needed new tires and wiper blades. I am sure the other auto shop would have failed it and tried to sell me on the fixes.

After the inspection I told him I needed to buy tires so he made some phone calls and hooked me up with a super deal. After work he also took me to Walmart to purchase wiper blades.

I thanked him a lot and declared him my hero once again. He told me he was just being a good person, doing the right thing and it was not a big deal. He said I would do the same for him.  (I would.)

It feels so nice to have someone take care of me and help me in life.  I really have spent my whole life helping others and this is such a refreshing change.

Later I e-mailed my attorney and asked for the next available court date.

I really do count my blessings every day and feel grateful to have such a wonderful, kind caring man in my life. There has always been a shortage of such men for me.

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This morning I was talking with Friss and he was asking my WHY I finally found it in myself to leave my husband after years of being neglected, disrespected and taken for granted.

I thought for a moment and told him the first three things I could think of:
1) after Pop died I finally realized that I wasn't just raised with some lingering issues I was raised in an abusive situation that has left me with many mental scars. I am more aware than I used to be of the lifelong issues of self esteem that I need to address.  I guess I am understanding myself more than I used to.
2) Talking to Kevin on a regular bases helped me to realize that my thought processes where often off base.....that I was too accepting of mistreatment and too quick to doubt my gut instincts.  In a way he has been my therapist and is around all day every day to assist when I might need advise.   I am sure a "real" once a week therapist could not be as effective if for no other reason, time constraints.
3) Reading Chumplady every day really has helped me to find my MIGHTY and feel better about being strong instead of being a chump. I know that sounds odd but her delivery method of self esteem/ self help works for me. It is like group therapy that I can participate it at any moment I need it. I find myself going to her blog after I talk to my STBX just so I can regroup and feel "level" again.

In the final analysis I know I haven't always proceeded in the most eloquent fashion in the past year, but I have managed to make some much needed changes for the better in my life.

I finally feel like I am headed in the right direction after almost 14 years of searching for some answers to why my life exploded and I could not find the ground again.  I think I am finally starting to figure out some of the answers.


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this blog entry from the new home computer.  It has been a pain in my ass but the keyboard ROCKS!

Family

This weekend we had a little family reunion to commemorate my father and keep in touch with my brothers. Pop died a year ago this weekend.

Kevin and I rode the motorcycle to Arkansas to my neice Jessica's house. She is the oldest daughter of my older brother Chuck.

Work is nuts so right now I can't tell you all the fun we had but the bike broke down, and the kids stay up till midnight (she has 9 but we counted 10?) but over all it was a great time.

My nephew Jeramiah (Chucks youngest) is currently living in a tent on Jessicas' land. He and his wife Mandy are building a cabin.

Here are some pictures. I hope to post more later but right now I have to do some work.
Over the weekend I did decide that I am going to ask my boss to lay me off so I can collect unemployment. He won't be in until tomorrow.

Jessica and her youngest Samuel.

Mathew, Jessica's oldest, showing how his pet possum likes to hang from his tail.

He looks so much like my brother Chuck did at that age.

Jessica and her three girls.  Hannah, Rosetta and Lydia.

My brothers Bill and Chuck.

This is David.  He is three and the cutest kid EVER!

Jeremiah and his wife Mandy.

.......the back of my head.

My view on the motorcycle.



Typical.... he is fussing over the chrome.



Just for fun we took the long route home and got to ride on a ferry.

Closer

Just up the street from me.

Monday night a terrible storm rolled through our little college town.  Tuesday morning, my neighborhood in particular, woke up to trees down all over the place (many landing on houses) and no power to our homes.  Some roads were blocked off completely by fallen trees or power lines.  It kind of resembled a war zone!   The city workers and power crews got to work right away, but there was MUCH work to be done.

Tuesday, after work, I returned home with my daughter and dog to find I still had no electricity.  It was VERY hot in the house so we decided to go to shopping while we pondered our options.  I was thinking maybe we could go to the pool (or lake) next and that would be a good place to "chill" until the sun got lower in the sky.

While I was at the store I purchased a small throw rug for Kevin so on the way to get our swim gear we stopped by his house to drop it off and found that he did have electricity, air conditioning and a cold refrigerator.  So then Beanie and I headed home to unload the fridge and pack an overnight bag.

Back at Kevin's house I loaded my cheese and lunch meat into his fridge while Beanie moved herself into the guest room.  She had packed her own things at our house and after I finished in the kitchen I went to check on her and see how she was doing (and what she packed).  Much to my amusement she was settling in with gusto.  She had her favorite stuffed animals on the bed along with her "blanky".  She had her PJs laid out and her clothes for art camp the next day.  Shoes lined up on the floor.  She moved the tissues by the bed so they were handy should she need them.  She scooted the "boy" stuff out of the way (some baseball bobble heads) so she could put her stuff on the dresser.  She was so stinking cute as she showed me her setup.  Later I went in the bathroom to find her toothbrush in the holder and her mouthwash by the sink!

Kevin showed up a bit later and we had dinner.  Then Beanie got ready for bed.  She had almost fallen asleep in the car earlier so I knew she was tired.  I set her up to watch satelite TV which is a treat we don't have at our house.  Kevin and I settled in on the couch where we looked up stuff on his tablet and chatted about everything we could think of.  (It's what we do.)  Soon the Bean dozed off so I put her to bed. 

This morning everyone woke up well rested and in a great mood.  As we all got ready to leave for our busy day I was stuck by how smoothly things were going and how peaceful it all felt.  This was the first time that all three of us were together for the morning "routine" and it went just fine.  As Beanie and I were headed out the door Kevin reached out to hug her good-bye and then I saw him pause.  He patted her on the back and gave her a warm "have a great day!"  Later he told me she was so cute that he wanted to hug her but then decided maybe it wasn't time yet.  He takes to fathering like a fish to water.  Just another thing I love about him.

As more time goes by he and I just get closer and closer and it just feels better and better.  I am starting to actually believe we may live happily ever after!  (I hope admitting that doesn't put a curse on it.)

The scene at Uwe's house.  Just missed his truck!

What a GREAT long weekend!!

I actually had three and a half days off work which was refreshing. Our annual audit is over and other than health insurance I really don’t care if I lose my job.

Saturday morning I ran a 10k race and placed 2nd in my age group. This race was out of town so Kevin and I (and a mutual friend) had a mini vacation.

Sunday I had fun with my daughter. She even went for a little run with me.

Also over the weekend, Kevin and I pulled up his ratty old carpet and cleaned up the wood floors that were hidden underneath. It was a lot of hard work but WOW, doesn’t it look great?

Husband took our daughter to his GF house (an hour from here) for the day Saturday and they even spent the night. I didn’t know this was going to happen and when I found out it did, I was a bit upset, but I shook it off quickly. Mostly I was upset that he left my dog outside ALL night long when I could have easily picked her up if he had told me he was not going to be home.

At this point I am feeling emotionally strong. I am focusing on how the STBX is a selfish and shady character and I really don’t want to be his wife. He, of course, has been reinforcing these ideas by how he has been behaving and acting the last few days so that really does help.

Just What I Needed

Last night after work I packed up a few things to spend the night, made a grocery list and headed over to Kevin's house.  When I got there I poured a glass of wine and we sat on the couch and talked for a while.

I needed to decompress.

Then we went out to dinner at a "build the jumbo burrito" restaurant.  We split one so it wasn't so bad for our diet.  Then we went grocery shopping together and I showed him where all his favorite items can be found at the Wal-Mart.  He is the type that avoids Wal-Mart.  I on the other hand go there often because it is convenient and has great prices.  Sometimes I feel guilty about that.  I would go to Target more often if they opened BEFORE 8 am!

After shopping we went by my house and put my groceries away (I live only .75 miles from his house) and then back to his house where I sipped another glass of wine and he had a Miller Lite (it's the only alcohol he will drink). 

Soon it was 9 pm and we headed to bed.  I didn't sleep but a few hours on Sunday night / Monday morning so I was exhausted.  I climbed into bed and noted how peace filled and safe I felt.  He really is good for me.

So Darn Sweet

Found this on my counter when I got home from work last night.  Of course I cried.

  It was such a stress filled day that I barely kept my head above water.  I don't think I ever took a full breath all day and my stomach was in knots.

Stuff at work is getting worse so it's not just the divorce that is on my mind.

 

I just hugged my little bear.  He is so cute and cuddly.  The card was so sweet and caring.  I am lucky to have a man who really cares for me and cares how I feel. 

He tries very hard to make me happy.

 

I am currently fussing over what to name my new little bear.....any ideas?
 

Road Trip

I am so excited. My super sweet Kevin told me he has always wanted to visit Memphis and Graceland. I never really had a hankering to go there, but I have heard great things about Memphis and I have no doubt that visiting Gracelast would be fun even if it does sound kind of cheesy. (we both think it's cheesy)

SO....my dear sweet man has reserved this cabin for my birthday weekend (end of August).  We talked about camping but decided the cabin would be fun and more of an adventure than just getting a hotel room. We plan on riding the motorcycle down for a fun filled weekend vacation. I can't wait!!

I also love the fact that it is so easy to plan stuff with him. We discuss, agree and then he books it. So refreshing!

I know we will have a great trip.....we just enjoy each other's company so much.

Oh and he LOVES barbeque so I am sure we will having some yummy barbeque dinners.

Normal - Grateful

Easter Loot

A strange thing has happened in the last few weeks. I am overcome with a sense of normalcy. Like life is normal. I am calm, well adjusted….nothing feels crazy or messed up. I feel more at peace than I have in many years. I suspect that being away from the STBX with all his mixed messages and shady behavior is the primary reason for my change. Also, being in a kind and loving relationship has made me feel accepted and now I suspect that I may not be as messed up as I thought I was, maybe it was just situational. Living in a “fake” marriage is no doubt a huge stressor.

For some reason lately I read Chump Lady a lot. I read every single day, sometimes for hours on end reading all the comments. I am not sure why I am drawn to reading it all. Could it just be I am bored with my job and killing time? Or maybe it makes me feel less alone in the world to know that other people are going through tough times and the end of a marriage (or at least the end of a dream of what they wanted in their marriage).

I noticed the other day that I was even feeling a bit guilty. I had this odd feeling that I missed my husband, being married and I was a bad person for leaving. No doubt reading a cheaters forum obsessively was getting to me. Then I thought about it some more and realized that NOT talking to him and not living with him and not being around him at all has already made me forget how hard it was to be in a relationship with him. It is like the negative has floated away and the dream has filled the open space again. The good times keep whispering in my ear. I fully believe this is part of me just feeling normal and not feeling persecuted. I am not depressed or triggered so I am remembering the good times and feeling optimistic about life in general. I am reflecting on my marriage as if it were a normal *real* marriage; which it wasn’t.

I also think I have realized that I never trusted him (and he never trusted me) right from the start and no matter how long we were together we never got past that. Maybe it was totally ridiculous to ever think that over time we could learn to trust each other. Probably once trust is gone it is very rare that it would ever be regained. And we never had it to start with so *regain* is the wrong word. I don’t think husband was actively cheating on me after we were married, but the fact that he did for the first couple years of our relationship set the tone. He gave up the other women grudgingly (maybe it was her choice not his?) and never wanted to be married to me so he tried very hard to *feel* single. Which is just not going to make for a good healthy relationship now is it?

I gave STBX the divorce papers about a month ago and he baulked at reading them for weeks. He finally said he did look at them but then procrastinated about actually discussing any of it with me. He has pretty much been NC with me since I moved out which may be what is best for both of us at this point. Last week I did decide to force discussion about the divorce papers. I would like to get this over with sooner than later. We exchanged a few emails and I quickly became nervous and annoyed. He just has a way of being exacerbating. He throws in comments that are meant to sound nice…but sound contrived. He asks the same questions over and over again. He acts like he doesn’t understand things but I know he does. It is all passive aggressive BS that makes me crazy. I assume he is stalling for some reason he hasn’t told me. The shady evasive stuff makes me nuts and I really won’t feel safe until this divorce is DONE.

The biggest issue with the divorce is the possibility that one of us might move away. He wants to put it in the papers that we can’t move away from here until she is 18. I told him that I might very well lose my job soon and that I might have to move in order to find employment. He said it would break his heart to not see his daughter regularly. I understand that it is not ideal but we need to be realistic, we both need to have jobs and an income. I asked who would pay my bills if I can’t find a new job here in this small town with limited options. He has no good answer. Besides, I am sure in no time he will find a new lady friend (if he hasn’t already) and he will not be as worried about seeing his daughter as he is right now. At this point I think it is just a phase....it makes him look like a normal caring father. But, mark my words, he will get used to being single and feel stifled by her. It’s not like he ever really enjoyed spending time with her. When we lived together I always had to force him to spend time with her. Anyhow……..I refuse to let him control my financial future so we are at an impasse on that subject. Thankfully most of the other items in the divorce papers we have agreed upon.

***just re-read that last paragraph and realized the main reason he wants her is so he doesn't have to pay child support.  He is surely trying to be the attentive parent so he will look good on paper and thus avoid the cost of paying for her rather than giving her his time which will be easier to weasel out of later***

Speaking of employment woes it is getting pretty scary here. My company is having terrible cash flow issues. Right now I do not have the money to fund this week’s payroll. I am just praying that a check comes in tomorrow. Also, I just completed my first pass at last year’s financial statements and we lost about $1 million dollars. Not good. At the same time Kevin just found out that his company is getting sold to a big nationwide company in the next month or so. It is possible we will both be out of a job! We do have a plan which gives me some comfort. If either of us loses our jobs, I will sublet my super lovely little house and move in with him. His house payment is only $300 per month so it would be a LONG time before we would end up homeless at that rate. I am so very grateful to have Kevin in my life.

Lately I am very thankful that STBX values being in emotional control so much that he has not done anything stupid or dramatic. He is not showing up at my house to make a scene nor is he ranting at me in anger when no one is looking. (Or maybe he is just happy with me gone.) Chump Lady had a post about Nice vs. Kind  LINK HERE which sums him up perfectly. And actually being nice at this point isn’t ALL bad. He is nice but there is no substance behind it. He tells people what they want to hear but doesn’t mean anything he says. He will agree to do something but have no intention of ever doing it. It is not a trait that I like; someone who is all show and no substance, but many people think he is a nice guy. However, the only thing STBX really cares about it pleasing himself as much as possible by either eliminating other people who may make demands on him or figuring out how to get others to do his bidding thus making his life easier or better. In fact last Saturday he had a babysitter watch our daughter for a good chunk of the day and that is the only day she is with him. She comes back to me Saturday evening through Monday morning.

In the past week or two I have made small gestured towards the STBX in an attempt to be friendly; like send him pictures of our daughter via text. Probably partly out of guilt and partly just because I really am a nice person who wants to be kind to others and have them like me. AND because he did tell me about 100 times before I moved out that he very much wanted us to be friends. WELL...he has ignored all of my attempts to chat or be friendly, which I at first found baffling. I mean if he wants to be friends as he told me before, then why choose to ignore me when I do reach out to him? Then, if I really think about it I understand that he believes there is nothing for him to gain at this point so why bother. No doubt the only reason he ever wanted to speak to me before I moved out was because he hoped he could parley it into a sexual encounter or maybe win me over enough to give him a break on the house price or child support ….or leave the book shelves for him (which I did...so it worked!).

Even though I know he does NOT think like me at all I still struggle to get past assuming he will react in a way that makes sense to me. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to grasp that he does not function in a way that is meaningful to me.  

Thoughts on Monday (After More Processing)

Kevin is always calm and always willing to talk. I really think I am just paranoid....and he is fine. I am still learning to trust that people can truly be nice to me and not be out to get me. For example when he doesn't answer the phone I still get a rather large panicky feeling that he is abandoning me but in reality (so far) the only reason he doesn’t answer is because he is on a business call.

When he asked me not to hang up on him he was making his needs and expectations clear. That is not a bad thing. It is a totally valid thing to ask for and he did it calmly and nicely (hugged me). Yes he was insistent but that is how he is. He is a manager of a number of branches for a roofing supply company and he speaks with authority in his voice. He comes from a place of confidence.

I interpret what he does through the eyes of an abused person. I think his point was simply that I shouldn't let STBXhusband get me so worked up. Kevin is right....I do spend too much time worrying about him and what is going on. It is co-dependent behavior. Something Kevin does NOT do.  Kevin thinks I should have messaged him.....and left it at that. Then, if he didn't respond by 5, I take the kid home with me. Simple. Of course he is detached from the situation so it is easy for him to say. Also, his ex-wife was irresponsible so he got real used to dealing with these types of situations. He felt he was sharing his experience and knowledge with me. I am sure he had no idea why I was so pissed off by the whole thing.

I don’t think either one of us said we were sorry. I think we agreed that we didn’t really understand each other that night. Since then I have “let go” of my fear and mulled it over some more; hence this more comprehensive explanation. I really can’t think clear when I am in the middle of (not sure what to call it) my reaction to a trigger. My brain feels all tight, confused and negative. I don’t think it wore off until about noon on Tuesday! (This is another thing I am now more aware of………how these things linger and then after some time they lift away.)

The real issue that day stemmed from my reaction to him being assertive in a way that made me uncomfortable. I tend to feel trampled on too easily. In the past when this has happened I have said something to him and he does listen. I just didn’t have the right frame of mind last Monday. I was already off balance due to letting the STBX get under my skin.

I know it sounds corny but I am learning from Kevin. I like how he thinks and how he deals with the world and life. He knows how to ignore stupid BS and concentrate on what matters. He always tells me to focus on the future and what I need and what will make me happy. He really is my advocate.