Email Discussion with Husband

Me: Why do you not like honesty? (yes….i guess I was being provocative)

Husband: I love honesty. Its a trait I much admire. Why do you like to accuse people of ridiculous faults?

Me: I was just thinking how honesty is such a big issue with us. I suppose we have different definitions of honesty or ideas about what it means.

Husband: I don't lie to you and I am not dishonest with you. I don't cheat on you. I don't try and undermine you in any way.
If you are suggesting that I "hate honesty" because I don't tell you all my feelings........then let me be honest with you.... it pisses me off that you would make the leap from "hate honesty" to "doesn't want to talk about feelings".

Me: I was thinking about how when we went to see Betty (therapist) you didn’t want to discuss what was on my mind because you found it negative.
Which in turn leads me to believe that I should keep my feeling / thoughts to myself because you would rather not know what is really on my mind.
I don’t think you hate honesty……..but I think you prefer to live in a world that keeps out truths you don’t like or don’t want to deal with.
I guess that is what I mean.

Me: I try very hard to understand you………accommodate you and find a way we can both be happy without upsetting you.
I try hard to be a good wife.
Yet I always feel like we are in two separate worlds…….and I just don’t know what to do about it.
Me: In the final analysis, I wish we could talk more and be more open with each other. I wish we communicated better. I wish we would hammer things out until they are solved instead of just pushing things aside and pretending that nothing is wrong.

Me: I wish that if you were disappointed by Saturday night, you would discuss it with me Saturday night or Sunday morning so I understand how you feel or what is on your mind.
When you don’t share, I don’t know and then I can’t respond properly.

Me: (in a flash of clarity) Here’s a thought….Maybe another thing is that you seem to expect hurt feelings and negative moods. BUT, in my mind, in a healthy relationship I would expect those things to be rare. So to me, when things are hurt or moody, it upsets me greatly. I don’t think it is normal or right. I feel that it is a sign of serious problems.

Husband: I will try to better communicate. I am sorry. I will work on it but its not my nature.

** so this last comment of his was designed to appease me and shut me up, make me happy and get me off his case.

Reflecting on my Weekend

Sunday was a really long day. My husband seemed fine at first and then rather abruptly got quiet and distant and refused to interact with me. I tried to ask him what was up but more than once I got the silent treatment.

I suggested he go to the gym…..that usually helps if he is in a funk. He said he would but never did. Hours passed and he played with our daughter, diddled around the house and ignored my presence.

Finally he decided to go to the park. He offered to take Beanie, but she was too busy playing with her Barbie’s so he went alone. I breathed a sigh of relief once he cleared the area. His presence has a way of making me feel on edge. He does not emit peace and acceptance.

Now it was noonish and the sun was out and it was unseasonably warm for December but I was stuck at home watching the girl, AGAIN. I drank a glass of wine and did my best to find a little something to keep me busy.

At nap time I laid down with Bean so she would go to sleep and I dozed off too. Mostly because of the wine. I woke up an hour later and snuck out of her room. Now, what was I to do next?

Husband showed up around 3 and sat with me for a minute. I thought I might put on Dexter (we have been watching the series) so we could watch TV together but he got up and left and went outside. So, I watched it alone.

Soon he came in and told me I should go do something. Well, it was 3:30 on Sunday afternoon and I had already had a few glasses of wine. What could I do? No doubt all my friends were already busy and I was a bit too buzzed to be dragging out my bicycle, not to mention the rack is off the car for winter.

So, I sat there, disappointed, rejected, and lonely. Husband did whatever he wanted and steered clear of me. Not because I wanted him to but because he wanted to.
It made me angry. He really prefers to be alone. He doesn’t like people and if he is not in the mood for you then you are just S.O.L.

I texted a few friends and came up with nothing. Nothing to do and a whole day wasted. At 4 p.m. I woke my daughter up. Husband dashed in and took her to the playground before it got dark. I thought about running some errands and decided that I didn’t want to deal with Christmas crowds.

I need more human contact than my husband does. He is just a total loner with no friends. That makes it easy for him to find something to do and feel satisfied. But, I want to be social so generally I need to make plans ahead of time. But should I make plans it would mean that should husband be in a good mood and actually want to hang out with me, I might have to say no to him or break off plans with a friend. Not a choice I want to make. Then again, sitting home all day alone sucks a big one. So…….i guess I will start making plans for my weekends so I don’t get stuck home again.

I sure wish my husband liked to hang out with me.

Failure is Always the Option

Most mornings as I lay in bed in the dark waiting for the alarm to notify me that it is indeed time to get up and I think….a lot. I make promises to myself. Mostly I promise to be a better person starting today. I promise to drink less booze, eat less crap, lose that nasty extra 5 (or more) pounds, to be a kinder more loving wife, to be a more diligent employee. I vow to show my kids more love and make more time for my friends. I plot to accomplish those things I keep meaning to do like painting my little Dutch girl statue, like drawing some sketches in my new sketch pad, like actually reading all the books I buy and really want to read. Then there is also the dentist; I vow that I will find a new dentist and get my teeth in order. I have been saying that for years now. I really need to do it; I know it would make me feel better.

Most mornings I run through my head who I want to be and what I should be doing. I vow and swear to do better starting TODAY. I don’t need to wait for new years. I am starting now!

So I get up out of bed and head out into the day with strength and conviction.

And to my constant disappointment, the conviction does not even last 24 hours. Life hits me hard as soon as I climb out of bed and then I start to justify in my head all the crap I do that in the long run I know is bad for me but in the short run, well, I just want to do them evidently.

Sometimes I make it for two days in a row before I revert and I feel so victorious. I feel like I am back on my A game, that I am whole again, that I am strong and capable and in charge; that I have turned a corner. I am finally becoming that person I was meant to be! Or at least more like the person I used to be and liked.

Then, as sure as the sun will rise, something happens, something bad or something hard or sad and I cave. I just give up. I eat that cake and while I am at it I eat a BIG piece. I drink some wine and buy it by the box. (Yea the box is so much cheaper and creates less trash / waste. I like the box.) But then, I have a box of wine in my fridge. I have wine on tap. Really I don’t need wine on tap.

My husband will say something that sounds so mean or rude. I react, internally, with a big “fuck you too” and then I set about ignoring him. He can’t hurt me if I don’t let him. Right? If I just ignore him he can’t hurt me he can’t poke hot words at me and sear my soul. If I ignore him I can’t be the recipient of his notorious “fuck you” vibe. If I construct a wall between us, he can’t hurt me. But after some time I wear down and I let him get to me and then I drink too much, or sleep too much, or skip my workouts, or do other things to spoil my poor self. Usually things that aren’t good for me, occasionally things I am ashamed of.

I wish I could have more “in control” days where I was the good person I want to be. I wish I wasn’t so weak.

I often wonder if I will ever get back on track or if I am stuck in this rut forever.

I think I will just blame it all on the box of wine.

My Previous Best Friend

A long long time ago (it was 2000) I went into a local hair solon to get my hair cut (or maybe it was Ramone’s hair) and one of the hair dresser’s made it a point to be friendly. She was a pretty girl and there was something about her that reminded me of me; something that attracted me to her.

(Ironically she wore the same size shoes as me, same size clothes as me and same size bra as me….which is weird because I wear an uncommon size.)

At the time, she was chasing women and probably had some interest in me as a date. That never happened, but we did end up best friends. Over the next few years she stuck by me as my son went to prison, Rocco ditched me and I my life completely fell apart.

Over the past 10 years we have drifted in and out of each other’s lives depending on who was single or who was in need. But we always remained good friends even if we didn’t speak to each other for long stretches of time.

We were even roommates a few times. She moved a lot though, chasing one dream after the next and never really cared much about her belongings. She often left me with very nice towels or something like that. There was always money for more because she comes from a well off family and her daddy made sure she was properly spoiled.

She was never the easiest person to be friends with. She can be rather manipulative and pushy. Then again she was always there when I needed her. (Except once and that story dies with me). My kids never liked her though. My husband hated her from the first time he met her. And there were times when she would be rather nasty to one of her other friends and I would feel a bit of a stab that she could be so mean. It made me sad. I think she always knew better than to treat me that way so I was never treated so poorly.

Sometime around early 2006 “E” started dating Julia, my current best friend (see post below). This is how I met Julia. The two of them dated for about 3 years. Toward the end of their relationship, “E” was being rather hateful towards Julia and even cheated on her with men. (Ironically she was still professing to be a hard core lesbian and have no interest in men.) Julia finally kicked “E” out after she never come home one night and admitted to spending it with an older French gentleman.

After the big breakup, Julia was devastated and “E” was just cruel to her. “E” made it her part time hobby to bad talk Julia all over town. She also moved right in with the French man and professed she loved him. The whole thing was so incredibly ugly. Then to top it all off, “E” pretty much gave me an ultimatum, “chose your friend…will it be me or Julia?” I told her I refused to choose and then she felt I had turned my back on her.

Funny, she said she didn’t trust me……and, well…….I don’t trust her. I don’t trust her to be a decent human being!

About six months after moving in with the French man she told me that he was getting his vasectomy reversed so they could have a child. She had wanted a baby for some time now. Not that she is a nurturing loving person who will make a great mother but because she thinks a baby is a good accessory. She wants to LOOK like a great mother.

I asked her if they were going to get married and she proclaimed with the maximum certainty that she would NEVER get married again. (The summer before Julia came along, “E” married a nice boy and soon after the large lavish wedding she divorced him proclaiming she was gay and could not be with a man.) I found it ridiculous that she would want to have his child but be so adamant about not marrying him. I suppose I should have just asked her then if it was all for the money.


4 months later she told me they were jetting off to France to get married. I was unimpressed but not surprised. He is 20+ years older than “E” and we both know why they are with each other. He is a doctor and can afford to spoil her like her daddy does and she is a hot young chick, the trophy wife, for the old French doctor.

Not long after the wedding they decided to do IVF so they could start a family right away. “E” now is the mother to twin baby girls. I have never seen them in person only photos on Facebook. I am sure she loves them and thinks she is doing the right thing.

I just wonder what she will do next and feel for those kids being forever stuck in her crazy world.
Today I discovered that she “unfriended” me on Facebook.

I really don’t care.

What I am Really Jealous of.

I’m not really jealous of the wife with the BIG huge diamond ring.
I’m not really jealous of the wife that vacations to exotic locations on a regular basis.
I’m not really jealous of the wife that gets to stay home with her kids instead of trekking of to work every day.
…………Well, I envy her but it is not what I really long for.

What I really long for is TRUE LOVE……..to be connected to someone in that deep, strong, real way that I see other couples have found; the way Rocco and I loved each other. And don’t tell me that it is so rare. There are plenty of them out there, the ones who found “the real deal”. I know some and I know how to spot them too.

That is what I am really jealous of.

When I hear women speak of feeling safe in their husband’s arms I get so jealous it hurts.
When they write about how they enjoyed a date with their husband I get green with envy.
When their husband looks deep into their eyes (even as someone is taking a photo) and they seem to be in their own world, yea, that just rips me up.
When they touch in public because they are just that close….the unconscious touches….the ones that happen so naturally. I want to cry because I want that touch so badly.
When after years of marriage they still profess they married their best friend and have had so many wonderful years together and they would do it all over again. I so wish I could be that person who feels that way. But instead, I look at my past relationships of a few good years here and there at best and I feel so sad and hopeless.

I want to be that person. I want to have THAT love. I want to feel that I have a special closeness with my husband…with my significant other. I want to be happily married. Bonded for life.

That is what I am really jealous of.

Stina

Stina is my newest friend. I have only known her for about a year. I actually met her while running just like I met Terry. After we ran together a few times, she texted me and said she had a great time and enjoyed talking to me. Well I was just thrilled that she liked me and I wasn’t really even trying to win her over. After that we ran together a lot and talked a lot and became friends, not just running buddies.

Stina is only 28 years old but the huge difference in age does not seem to be an issue. Best of all she doesn’t seem to view me as being an old hag or a nut job! Which still amazes me because over the year we have known each other I have slowly but surely really opened up to her and she knows a hell of a lot about me these days.

She is a lot of fun and she is pretty. She is not a real girly girl. She’s just cool and interesting.

Stina is just a good person and she gives off a great vibe. She is always pleasant to hang out with and ready to go for a run or whatever. A few weeks ago we went on a bike ride with Stina and after the ride and my daughter told me more than once how much she liked her .

No matter what mood I am in I can show up for a run and tell her all about what’s going on in my head and she will happily listen and be very accepting.

Terry

Terry is my rock. HE is my BFF (best friend forever). I met him about 8 years ago because we were both doing the early morning group runs and running at the same pace. We have spent MANY, many hours running together and all of them were fun. Terry is a talker…..he has more stories than the Sears tower! He is always entertaining. Heck, it is not uncommon for him to bring cocktails for after a 6 am run on the weekend.

He makes a living by running a cosmetology school and beauty salon. He does hair for many old ladies and quite a few local celebrities. He treats them all with loads of respect and kindness…just like he treats everyone.

He also owns a Harley Davidson motorcycle and loves to go for road trips and get stupid drunk (only after he parks the bike.) Yes, that is where some of the best stories come from!

Terry is such an odd mix…hair stylist, Harley guy with tattoos, marathon runner and he cooks the best ribs in the world. I should know, I could not stop eating them until I made myself sick.

What I like best about Terry is the fact that I know… 100% for sure that he is NEVER going to change. He is the real deal, a genuine good soul. I know he would never turn his back on me. I have never had so much faith in a human being to be just who he is and never waiver.

If we don’t talk to each other for a while, the minute we see each other we start up right where we left off. It is never a struggle to reconnect. We don’t run together much now because he has been injured and I have gotten faster but we still make sure to keep in touch. I know he is there if I need him.

Another cool thing about Terry is he has never made any weird advances towards me…I’ve never had to fend him off………even after cocktails in a parking lot at 7 am!

Uwe - pronounced "Oo-va" (it's German)

Uwe and I have known each other about as long as I have known my husband. I met them both in the spring of 2006. Uwe and I even went out on a date when we first met. Obviously there were no sparks at the time. Not that I didn’t like him but I just didn’t view him romantically. He’s a bit pudgy and has been a bachelor for far too long (never been married). He eats a lot of junk food which kind of freaks me out. He works at the grocery store and stocks the chips so he always has a house full of chips and candy. He buys soda like it is important! On the up side, he keeps his fridge well stocked with beer and wine incase a friend should stop by.

We have a lot in common, we both bike and run and have a similar circle of friends and this spring because our paths kept crossing, we just started palling around together. Over the summer our relationship has grown and we have become very close.

I suspect that one of the reasons I like him so much is that he is rather the opposite of my husband. Uwe is kind to me and treats me with respect. He makes me feel valued and appreciated. He regularly tells me how pretty I am.

At this point, Julia says we are dating. Uwe and I do talk to each other every day and text each other all the time. We flirt and play with each other. I love love love to ride on his motorcycle with him. I so enjoy hanging out at his house where there are no negative vibes and I can relax and hide from my real life.

He is my escape and in many ways he gives me the emotional closeness that my husband won’t or can’t. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty but mostly I just really appreciate having someone so comfortable to be with.

Uwe is thoughtful. He will text me on the way to Sam’s and ask me if I need anything which is something my husband would NEVER do.

Julia

Julia is my "official" best friend. We came to know each other through my last official best friend. It’s a long and complicated story that I won’t relate here and now but one of these days I really need to blog it.

Julia and I have known each other for about 5 years but only gotten really close in the last two years. (Before we were close, she was dating my old best friend.)

Julia is always understanding and always willing to listen. She single handedly has kept me saner than any therapist could. She is a very beautiful and wise woman who I always wish I could be more like. She is that bubbly fun girl that everyone knows or wants to know. Everyone likes her. (well, except my old best friend. )

Julia and I can talk for hours nonstop. We try to get together at least once a week to just yap ourselves silly and drink a bottle of wine. We totally relate to each other and understand where each other is coming from. She gets me.

Happy? Happy!! (what is happy?)

<<< my necklace. I never take it off!

First let me say that the sun is out, I ran this morning and I am feeling pretty darn good today.

I know my last few posts have been a lot of complaining that I am not happy. But, upon further reflection, I have to say that happy…..may be the wrong term. Unbalanced or damaged may be more of what’s wrong with me rather than unhappy. I obviously get depressive at times but mostly I just can’t seem to find my inner peace and sense of well being.

Right now, I am pretty happy with life. Things are pretty good. Here are some details as to why I say this:


Work

I work for a small construction company doing accounting. Up until this year, this company was losing money like crazy and we were barely making payroll on a regular basis. Cash flow was a total nightmare because we had more going out than coming in for years. This is stressful when you are the head accountant and you are trying to juggle negotiating loans, dealing with angry vendors and making sure that everyone is paid on time.

This year, we are making lots of money. The bills are ALL paid and there is still plenty in the bank. On top of not having the cash issues to deal with, I have, over the years, managed to streamline my job, automate tasks, delegate duties and basically pare down my responsibilities so I am pretty much getting paid a lot to do very little. It is nice and I know I am lucky. I have plenty of time to blog and shop on line at work which is pretty awesome.

Teenagers

Monster is in college now (grown up?) and Ramone is in 11th grade. Although they still, from time to time, give me reason to be concerned, for the most part, lately, knock on wood, they have been well behaved and respectful and I can’t complain. Again….I know how lucky I am.

Beanie

Besides wetting the bed and being generally way crabbier than is necessary, the 4 year old is not so bad. She’s healthy, smart and well behaved. She is of course a lot of work and responsibility, but she is a lot of fun too. I keep hugging and kissing her as much as possible because I know it won’t be long and she will be too big for all that baby cuddling stuff.

Friss

Despite being incarcerated, this boy keeps making me proud. He has a great job doing computer programming. He has become a Buddhist and is extremely emotionally well balanced. (Wish I was too.) He is super smart and always has been. I know that when he gets out he will do great things. He really is an incredible man. (I can’t believe he will be 30 years old next year!)

Husband

Husband and I have not been fighting much. Things have been calm since the big fight before my birthday. I am not sure why this is exactly. My first thought would be that he is trying to be more responsive to me but at the same time I think I am caring less what he does or says to me. I have really been focusing on ignoring him….letting things just slide by me. And if I can’t get something out of my head I try to reflect on it in a different way. (see yesterdays post) Many times he is not intentionally being an ass and I have to keep reminding myself of that over and over again. Men really are airheads….probably because thinking about their penis is so time consuming.

Friends

And finally, the biggest change in the past few months, so maybe the reason things are better is I have a pretty good solid set of friends who really keep me company and make me feel loved. I am most certainly getting my social needs and some of my affection/acceptance needs met by them rather than my husband. Do I think this is good for my marriage? Yes and No. I think it is helping me to feel less negative about my relationship with my husband but at the same time I think it is not growing our marriage or making it stronger. If anything it is pulling me farther from him which is really a bad thing for a marriage as far as I know.

Tomorrow I will do a post on my friends because there is so much to say.

I Am Too Negative

Email sent to husband this morning:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you asked me if I was picking up Beanie, my knee jerk reaction was “NO…you can get her at least once a week!!”

At first all I could think of was that you only pick her up once a week and now you are trying to get out of it.

My apologies........for being so negative.

After more consideration, I realized that maybe you were thinking I expected to go out tonight after picking her up and have you pick her up tomorrow so I could have another night “free”.

Actually that had not crossed my mind before. I assumed that one night a week you would get her and I would do my “non kid” activities on that night.

I assumed that since tonight was a night I wanted to go out it was my one night of the week to be kid free.

Make sense?

Anyhow, now that Thursday biking after work is over, I kind of figured Wednesday night would be my free night unless there is something important that comes up and requires some adjustments.

Sound good?

(So you drop her off two days a week and pick her up one….screaming good deal if you ask me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See, what really happened is most of the summer he was picking her up on Thursday because I wanted to attend a group bike ride. Now that the season is over and the bike rack is off the car I assumed that he would not continue to think he was to pick her up on Thursday. That is where I jumped to the wrong conclusion. He had not put all that together and was still thinking that Thursday was his night; which is not wrong or bad of him. I was probably not clear about my ideas on the schedule so I sent this email to clarify. (I figured all this out while driving to work and mulling it over.)

After re-reading this email I can certainly see that I am a bit spiteful about the division of duties. He did not respond to this email at all. Later I requested a response and he said he could pick her up whenever I needed him to.

He would indeed pick her up any day if I asked him to however, he would not be happy about it and he would certainly make me pay in some passive aggressive manor.

We probably should sit down and discuss what we both think is fair and hammer out an agreement. Usually if I try to do this though, he won’t have a serious conversation with me. Instead, he will just say things like “anything you want dear” or “I think it is totally fair” even if he doesn’t. Maybe that is a huge part of the problem. We really don’t engage in productive conversations.

Really it’s just sad.

It was The Most Gorgeous Day of The Year

Yesterday, I got up and started doing motherly, wifely, household type things. I am OK with that….I’m a doer, I’m a wife and mother, and I do this stuff all the time; make coffee, unload dishwasher, put clothes away, take out trash, feed dog, etc.

Then the sun came up and the day was shaping up to be the most gorgeous day of the year. Fall leaves, light breeze, temperatures getting up in the 60…even 70s. Perfect.

At 8:30 Husband wanted to go to the gym so I of course let him go. He usually goes on Sunday morning. It is always better to let him go do his thing if he needs to / wants to….otherwise he is a grouch.

I decided to go ahead and do some cooking while he was gone and I was tending to our daughters needs. Husband was gone till well after 10 and I was really itching to get outside but sadly, stew was in the pot when he arrived so I had to stay in and watch it. He of course went right out to enjoy the weather and begged us to do the same.

I had hoped to finish up the cooking and head out but then I starting thinking…. Beanie had a birthday party to be at by 1 so we need to leave the house at 12:30. To be safe we need to have about an hour to get ready. It might take less time but always better to plan worst case scenario. Right?

By now it was almost 11 so I decided rather than run around outside, it would be best if we had some quiet time since the party was going to royally mess up nap time. Bean and I laid on the couch watching a princess movie. I hoped she would get in a cat nap but I am the one who dozed off.

At 11:30 we got up and got ready for the party and I struck a deal with the husband. I would not care if he skipped the party if I could have some free time (me time) when we returned after the party. It was the most gorgeous day of the year and I had not been outside yet so I was getting desperate. He agreed so I felt better as we shuffled off to the indoor party.

After the party, as I drove home, I thought about mountain biking……or hiking…….or calling my friend to go ride the motorcycle. Oh the list of things that sounded fun to do on a sunny afternoon was long.

As soon as we pulled in the drive, husband met the car looking super happy and excited. “How was the party? Want to see what I did while you were gone? Go get some pants on lets go out in the woods!!!”

Obviously wanting to hang out with me I could not say “but you promised me I could go have me time” so I put on my pants and we spent the next few hour out on our wooded acreage checking out all the trails he had cleared and cedar trees he had annihilated recently.

It was fun and so nice to be outside, but I still felt short changed. I felt that my day had been totally taken over by the family and I resented it. I then thought I must be a rotten wife and mother because I should be loving this not begrudging it. My daughter had a fun party with her best friend and my husband was in a great mood. Yet, I never get to do what I want to do for me. Well, I do sometimes, but not as much as everyone else.

Again….why the hell can’t I just be happy?

Conversation with my best Friend

Me: Husband did xxx again. He makes me crazy.

BF: Why don’t you make a list of all the things you need…no must have….to be happy and give it to him. Tell him you expect him to do the list if he wants you two to be happily married. (Like a job would do) And tell him if he can’t do these things or won’t do these things you will have to get a divorce because they are the minimum requirements for marriage in your opinion. And, at the same time, remember to let the other stuff go as long as he does what is on the list. You can’t gripe at him about what is not on the list.

Me: Great idea if my husband was a normal person, but he is not. He would agree to do it and then only do it half way or once in a while. He would figure out a way to make it look like he was compliant and cooperative yet still somehow NOT give me what I want. He hates having anyone tell him what to do. HATES IT!!!

BF: If he does that then leave him. Quit letting him play games with you.

Me: Seriously I have told him what I need and he gives it to me every 10th day or so…..just enough to keep me from going over the edge.

Me: You know I can’t leave him. I hate being single. I would hate being single way more than I hate putting up with him.

BF: Yes, but as long as you are with him, you are not free to find a better relationship; one that would really make you happy.

Me: Well, at my age and in this dumpy little town I am 99.9% sure there is no great guy waiting to find me. If I divorce the husband I will be alone. And I don’t want to be alone so I can’t get a divorce. Besides, I don’t want to free him up to go out and date 25 year old blonds. That would make me so angry I could not see straight.

BF: Divorce him and move to a bigger town. Go to Portland like you always say you want to. I bet there are way more single men there.

Me: I think I might have a prayer at meeting Mr. Right in Portland, but husband would never allow me to take his daughter that far away.

BF: Oh…yea….good point.

Mr. Right is just a Fantasy

When my last LONG TERM relationship ended in spring 2002 (Rocco) I started dating. I dated a lot. I internet dated, dated friends of friends, looked up old boyfriends, etc. etc. No one seemed right and people said I was too picky, that I would never be satisfied. (Please note I was satisfied with Rocco.)

I held out for a long time…..hoping that “Mr. Right” might happen.

Years go by and I am not getting any younger and the situation is not improving. If anything it is getting worse. As a well meaning friend so nicely put it….”men in their 40s are not looking to acquire women, they are wanting to get rid of them!!!”

So then I find myself pregnant by a guy I was VERY casually dating (my now husband) and I figure I should go with the flow…….after all, I hate being single and Mr. Right is just a fantasy and if I wait my whole life for something perfect I am just fucking stupid. Maybe this was meant to be and that is why it happened?

Now, after 5+ years with Husband, I am actually more used to him than ever (he really is an odd duck) AND I can live with him (it’s not unbearable) and I do love him (still working on explaining why) and I love my daughter and want her to have a real family.

I should be all good now……right?
BUT I’M NOT.
It still feels wrong…..it seems like its too hard….I am not comfortable in my life……with him!!!

I realize I drink, stay out with friends to avoid going home, fantasize about other men, etc. to distract myself because I am not happy. I know that if I had a healthy marriage I would not do these things. (Ok maybe once in a while but not all the time.) I remember how it felt to be “normal”…….I have been happy and normal before……I miss it.

Logically I know that I can’t live my life waiting for happiness to come from some perfect situation. I have to find happiness in myself. I have to learn to love the life I have. I need to be OK with where I am instead of always feeling like I am waiting for something to give.

Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t my current life feel comfortable? Does it really have anything to do with my husband?

Last night we were all piled in bed and Beanie was zonked out in between us and I thought “Dear God this is better than being here alone. I love these people. Why do I still struggle so much?”

But I can’t help but think how my husband makes me feel used, not loved. How he is a taker not a giver. How he never hugs me or shows me affection. WE ARE NOT CLOSE and I want close….I need close. Isn’t that what love and marriage are for?

And on a deeper level, I know that my REAL hang-up is fear of not being loved, fear of rejection. I feel like I have just been used and abused and passed around my whole life. Like no one has ever REALLY loved me. (Except my mother in her own way.)

Deep down I don’t even believe anyone will love me and my husband certainly feeds that insecurity by not “acting” like he loves me. But I also believe divorcing him wouldn’t make me feel any better. It would make me feel worse because I really hate to be single. I hate to be alone. Beanie would have to shuttle back and forth and all that horrible stuff.

I should figure out a way to be happy NOW with where I am NOW!!

................If the answers were easy I would have figured them out long ago.

You Really Can't Change Who You Are

I firmly believe that 95% of who we are is out of our control. Genetics and luck dictate most of what we get/are in life.

I was born into a house with no people people. I am the product of two engineers. I was not raised with love and nurturing....I was raised with logic and fact, rules and rigidity.

Some people seem so...comfortable in their lives....in their skin. I desperately want to be one of those people. I am so envious of them. People that seem to have it all together....love their lives....do what they were MEANT to do.

I flounder...struggle....fight....crumble...hide....run....life is always a challenge. It’s never easy for me...it rarely works for me. I was born an outcast....a lost soul....one of the people who watch from the outside wishing there was a way in. There is no way in. You either got it or you don't.

Self help books and psychiatrist would have you think you can figure out a way in...but you can't. You can’t change. It's not up to you. It’s up to Karma....fait....luck...genetics....all those things that you are stuck with....all those things you have no control over.

Life is a fucking crap shoot and I never win at games of chance.

My parents were smart and efficient. I am smart and efficient, qualities that are not particularly valued in the social realm of the world. Friendly, charismatic and enthusiastic.....all things I work on....these are way more important with people and relationships.

I WANT to be a good listener but it really is hard for me.

I have failed or been failed by every single relationship I have ever had. I am not trying to elicit sympathy...but merely stating a fact. I suck with people and people generally don't like me. Occasionally some odd ball person may get me or like me.....but it’s rare. These people are priceless to me.

It is crazy how much I want to be loved....needed....liked….accepted. It is all consuming.
Yet I was born to be one of the outsiders. No wonder this is my life long struggle and my greatest disappointment in life.

Good Question

This morning a friend of mine asked me if I really love my husband. It was a valid question. People stay together for lots of reasons and love is sometimes not one of them. I thought about it quickly and answered YES I am sure I do.

I am not sure why, but I am sure I do.

I am sure I never would have stuck around this long if I didn’t really love him.

But really….why do I love someone that frustrates me so much and does not fulfill my needs?

My Friend

I have a friend, a male friend, who I have been spending a lot of time with. He is very friendly and outgoing and we really enjoy each other’s company. He says and does all the nice things I wish my husband would do and it really drives me crazy…..cause I just wish my husband would do these things.

Examples:

1) Send me random text message throughout the day with thoughts and comments. It doesn’t matter what they are….it’s just the reaching out to make contact that matters.

2) Say nice things to me. Acts appreciative. Tell me you missed me.

3) Just sit and talk about anything and everything for no good reason except to hang out.

4) Tell me stories about your friends, your life and your day.

5) Notice if my mood changes or something seems wrong and ask if I am OK because you really seem to care how I feel.

BOOKS by Eckhart Tolle

I just finished listening to an audio recording of Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth, which I got free from my local library.

It was VERY GOOD!

It was so good (maybe I should say important to me) that I am going to listen to it again….NOW. In fact, I may listen to it 3 times in a row.

Eckhart Tolle’s books are probably classified as “new age” or “self help”, but I would call them “how to think straight and actually understand life”.

Eckhart Tolle also wrote The Power of Now which has been pretty popular. I already own this book and would totally recommend it too.

I think everyone should read these books. You will either love it or hate it.

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Here is what Wikipedia says:

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose is a book by Eckhart Tolle, a follow-up to his first book and bestseller, The Power of Now. Tolle says "this book's main purpose is not to add new information or beliefs to your mind or to try to convince you of anything, but to bring about a shift in consciousness; that is to say, to awaken". First published in 2005, it was selected in 2008 by Oprah Winfrey for her book club, and was followed by a 10-week live online seminar with both Tolle and Winfrey. By 2009, 5 million copies had been sold in North America.

Format and theme

A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life's Purpose is a more detailed examination of the ideas introduced in The Power of Now. Although both revolve around the same theme, there are significant differences. The Power Of Now is in a question/answer format, and focuses on the self-help aspects of Tolle's work; his second book Stillness Speaks is in the style of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, a series of short passages designed for meditative reflection; whereas A New Earth is in a more traditional long essay format, and Tolle spends more time on the societal ramifications of his ideas, culminating in tentative descriptions of a future in which enjoyment and compassion have replaced desire and conflict as the core motivating principle for humanity.

Tolle sees humanity as trapped in thinking. Individuals derive a sense of identity from these thoughts, and it becomes impossible to achieve lasting happiness. As this sense of identity is fictional and static, it is subject to destruction and decay, a process Tolle sees as the main causal factor in human suffering. Tolle also sees this sense of identity as the cause of unnecessary human conflict. The escape from this ongoing prison is a direct experience of the sublime, the infinite - that which stands outside, before and beyond the categorisations and divisions of conceptual thought. A key way which Tolle suggests this can be done is to bring one's attention to the present moment.

Helpful links:

http://books.google.com/books?id=Bto8PqiEnzIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=eckhart+tolle&hl=en#v=onepage&q&f=false

http://books.google.com/books?id=bLOKdFhvUZcC&printsec=frontcover&dq=eckhart+tolle&hl=en#v=onepage&q&f=false

Thinking Realisticly

This morning…my logical brain is on and I think to myself: “You know what Self, when you were single; there were no guys that were worth a crap to be found. The single men in their 40s are single for a good reason. No one wants them and neither do you. Prince charming is not out there waiting for you!”

This is something I must not forget.

It is easy to be hard on my husband, but, really, he is gainfully employed, good looking, hard working, not a drug addict, doesn’t beat me, etc. etc.….I mean really….he is a good catch!! Right!?!

And I do believe he is committed to our relationship; which is not to say he knows what to do with it, but at least he is not ready to chuck the whole thing the minute things get dicey.

I need to keep this all in perspective. If I ditch him, I should only do it if I want to be alone. To think I will find a better love is just insane. I was single for 10 years before I married him and I met nothing but a string of losers and freaks. Being single is only cool if you want to be single. If you want to be married finding a husband after 40 is just a dumb idea…..because the pickens get so ridiculously slim after that you might as well forgetaboutit.

This guy at the top is single!! What ya think!?!?!

My Half Marathon

I was more nervous than usual going into this race. Historically I have done bike races and I felt confident about my cycling skills so there was no reason to be nervous. All the other running races I have done, including 2 other half marathons, were more for fun than anything. I had never actually set a running goal for myself other than finish and have fun. So today, with a plan and a goal in mind, I drove downtown to see if I really could do what I have been training for all summer.

The temperature was in the upper 60s, humid and overcast but I grabbed my sunglasses just in case.

The start was packed with people and I felt uncomfortable being up near the front but there was no way to move back. I heard there were 643 runners which is a lot of people to cram in the small road at the start.

Good for me…..I remember to punch my Garmin when I crossed over the timing mat.

Plan for the first mile was a 9:30 pace but I was in a huge crowd of runners so I felt that pressure to run with them. I keep looking down at my Garmin to see I was doing an 8 minute pace or faster. I tried to slow down but it felt so slow. People kept streaming past me like I was standing still and I was not running as slow as I should be. Surely all these people are not going to run this half in less than 2 hours. Is 2 hours really THAT slow?

By the second mile I was back on track with my pace at just under a 9 minute mile. By mile 3 we are on the trail and I settle in to enjoy my run. Before you know it the first water stop is here at the 5.5 mile marker. I decide to quickly eat my goo and wash it down with a swig of water.

Then it was up the hill and on to the next long, level section I was looking forward to. By now I started to wonder if Husband would be on the course taking photos like we had planned. It looked like it could rain at any minute so he may have decided to stay home.

As I turned the next corner, I saw a familiar face and there was my husband and my daughter smiling at me. I stopped and gave Bean a kiss. I know she was excited to see me since we had been talking up this race for some time.

I was now reenergized and picked up my pace a bit. I was having a good race and feeling more confident that I would accomplish my goal of completing this half in less than 2 hours.

On the BIG downhill I cut loose and passed about 25 people which felt great. I think only one or two ever passed me again. I kept thinking if I paced myself correctly I should be passing a lot of people at the end who had gone out too strong in the beginning.

Up the next hill was the killer as expected. Looking at my data, I maintained my 9ish minute pace up the hill pretty well so no wonder it hurt.



Now down the hill to the trial. At the trail head was the last water stop. I was feeling thirsty and thought it wise to drink but the kids manning the stop had NO full glasses. They literally handed you an empty cup and you had to stand there and fill it. Husband saw me stop and later criticized me for it. But I thought a quick drink at this point might be important.




Back in town they routed us south through campus; a last minute route change that was a bit unnerving. Also, my music was not on a song that I wanted so I was fiddling with my iPod too much. My pace started to fade and I was really starting to hurt. Feeling a bit aggravated at this point but I knew it was only one more mile so I finally tuned a song in and just ran it out. Glancing at my Garmin I could see I was around 8:55 for my average pace so I was pretty sure I was going to accomplish my goal.

As I rounded the last corner I gave my buddy Larry who was working the corner a high five and I was feeling elated. I saw another running friend working the course and gave him a big HELLO. Almost to the finish a suave young man dressed all in black cheered me on….it was old running partner Terry and I felt so happy I could bust. At the finish I was met by some more of my friends and Ramone. It was sooooo nice to have them all there. I am such a lucky person to have such wonderful people in my life.




Final time was 1:56 minutes and my average pace was 8:56.

So…..next year…..shall we go 8:30 pace?

He's Trying

Seems like since the BIG fight my husband has been better. He has been more considerate and is certainly putting forth more of an effort to communicate with me. I feel like he is trying harder, which is good.

I suppose we both just needed to purge….to blow off steam….to make a fresh start.

OR

Maybe he just finally took me seriously that I was not willing to stay forever no matter what he does.

Although things are better, I am still not getting the attention and affection that I really want and need. And, I am still worried that he is just not capable of actually being close to another human being. But as long as he is trying I can’t be angry with him and that makes it all feel different.

Baby steps. Seems things keep getting better but so slowly and in such small increments. It’s like being on a diet and losing only one pound per year. Exhausting.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today was my birthday so I took the day off work. Just because.

I took my time getting Beanie ready for school. Not being in a rush was fabulous.

After I dropped off the girl, I took the dog for a nice run on the trail. Much to my surprise, the dog acted civilized and never jumped on or chased the many people and dogs that were out enjoying the nice weather. We usually run pre-dawn so my wacky mutt is not used to sharing the road.

My coworkers threw me a party even though I was not there. They had chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream without me. It’s OK. I need to step away from the cake.

After a leisurely shower and puttering around the house doing anything I wanted I decided to head out and do a little shopping while I was unencumbered.

I made the mistake of walking into the Dick’s Sporting Goods store just to look around. $40 later I left thinking “only $40….That’s not bad for me!!” But really, I don’t think I can go in that store and come out empty handed. I think I have a problem with Dick’s!

I went to many other stores that will not be named here because I have a husband that likes to gently harass me every time I spend money. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt me.

At five o’clock sharp I picked up my smallest offspring and showed her the new swim suit I found on clearance for only $3. She loved it too.

Back home, the husband arrived early and surprised me with a dinner offering of all my favorites. There was a nice bottle of chilled white wine, my favorite cheese Port Salut, artisan French bread, olive bar and some fancy hard sausage. I ate myself silly. I need to step away from the wine, bread, cheese, olives and meat!

As my preschooler would say……it was a SUPER, SUPER, SUPER, SUPER, SUPER, SUPER good Birthday.

BIGGEST Fight EVER

Last Friday, we had the biggest fight we have ever had!!

I think it had been building up for some time. Like pressure in a pot and then this morning he just did one more thing and I kind of lost it. We talked about it through the day but I guess I was still not satisfied so after work and a few beers, I started in on him again. This time the talk got more like an argument until finally he spouted off some outright lie and I called him out on it. I called him a fucking liar to his face!

Usually I would not do that. Usually I would not want to be mean. Normally, I would decide that talking was a waste of time since he can’t be real and honest and then I would just quit the discussion. In my head I would just say fuck it, it doesn’t matter anyway, and he won’t actually try to listen. He won’t try to change. He will just deflect and justify at all cost.

Which was exactly what he was doing but I was mad and I was fed up and I hung in there. It lasted hours. He left once and came back. (Which actually made me feel better that he was willing to keep duking it out.)

Near the end I shouted at him “things are going to change or we are going to end up divorced!” I have never, ever mentioned divorce before. He looked a bit shocked and then I followed it up with “And since there is no way in hell I am ever getting divorced again then thing MUST change!!”

I think we both suddenly felt that I was right and that it was time….time for some real changes. I think he actually heard me. For once, he was done deflecting and justifying.

I don’t even remember how it all ended but we went to bed and woke up the next day feeling better….seems like things are more peaceful.

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More details than you need: (I wrote this first and kinda hated it)

On Friday morning, August 26th, partly due to PMS, I completely ran out of patience for my husband.

Usually on a Friday morning we sit in bed and drink coffee and hang out a little while the Bean is still asleep. But this morning, he got up early and silently but quickly packed up to go to the gym /work. Suddenly he was leaving at an unusually early hour with no discussion or explanation at all. I stopped him at the door and quizzed him as to what was up and he said casually that he wanted to get in a good workout. Well we both knew that was crap. He has never left that early before and he has had plenty of time at the gym lately (twice a day usually) so how bad could he really need a workout.

In hind sight, I think he was not so much wanting to escape me but escape his own rotten negative mind (his Pain Body as Eckhart Tolle would call it) which has a way of turning him into a total fuckwit.

Also, I have been going out more and trying to cultivate a more social life….cause I actually like having friends, which he is not interested in at all, but at the same time he is jealous that I get “free” time and he is stuck with our daughter more often. (Please note I still watch her way more than 50% of the time.)

No matter what happened, the simple truth is, all he had to do was tell me what was going on instead of acting all odd and evasive. For some reason he feels the need to NOT communicate. If he had gotten up and just said “I feel like getting to the gym early I hope you don’t mind” I would have been totally OK with it.

It is not my goal to control his every move. It is my goal for him to treat me with respect and kindness. AND TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME LIKE I AM HIS WIFE AND LOVER.

During the day we exchanged a few emails and we sort of made nice but once we got home the discussion came up again. And now we both had a few beers in us and one thing led to another until we were having the biggest fight of our marriage to date.

Usually when he starts lying, exaggerating or acting, I just get disgusted that he won’t have a real discussion and give up and shut down. I figure what is the point if he can’t be honest. But this night I was not backing down and when he lied, I called him a liar. And when he acted all broke up, I asked him if he expected an academy award for the performance. It was a long, loud, ugly fight. Finally towards the end, I told him things had to change or I could not live like this. That I don’t want a divorce, but I need to feel respected and he needs to communicate with me. It is the first time either of us had ever brought up divorce and I know that neither of us really wants that.

I honestly don’t remember how it ended….maybe we both just ran out of energy for it. We didn’t go to bed mad.

The Happiest I Ever Remember Being

The ceilings were high and everything was painted a clean and agreeable white. The windows were very tall and narrow, reminiscent of clerestory windows; single hung sash windows crisscross with muntins. The west wall was covered in windows and then some more on the adjacent wall as well. The building was over 100 years old, an old school house that had been converted into apartments. The cost was low and the location good, but it lacked a dishwasher and closet space. Clothes were therefore hung from hooks over the tops of doors; the bedroom door, the closet door, and even the bathroom door.

In the darkness of the night, lights outside cast long shadows across the bedroom. The bed was awkwardly placed under the bank of window so that the small closet door would not be blocked. There was no room for much else in the tiny space.

As we lay awake in bed, all that could be heard was the constant hum of the furnace as it blew warm air out a small dingy vent above the closet. We gazed up at the stars through the big tall windows; the night sky so black, the stars so bright and plentiful. There was total peace and serenity.

We always laid in each other arms, me in front and him behind. He cupped my body with his and I felt completely safe, completely loved. We never had to utter a word…we just melted into one. We would look up at the stars through the old tall windows for the longest time before we drifted off to sleep. Those were magical times.

Monster Starts College

Yesterday was Monster’s first day of classes at college. So I am sure I am supposed to write some touching exposé about how quickly he grew up and how proud I am of him, etc. etc. But you know what……that’s not what I am thinking.

What I am thinking is “I sure hope the kid gets to class. I sure hope the kid gets his books. I sure hope the kid isn’t overwhelmed.”

He’s a good kid and never does anything too terribly wrong. He never does anything hugely successful or brilliant either. Average grades, average attendance, has a part time job at a local restaurant owned by friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled he is not a flunky, druggy or out getting arrested.

Besides, it is just expected that he go to college. It’s not a big deal; it’s just the next step in his education just like high school came after middle school. I view it as a basic requirement in life.

I want him to be successful but I know I have no control over it now and probably had little control over it all along. The boy is who the boy is, and he will find his own path in life regardless of what I want for him.

I hope he finds it in himself to finish his education. I think it is important and he will be glad if he does. I think it will help him to lead a respectable life…but if he doesn’t than that is his choice.

I think if he is pointed in that direction he will get it done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It IS hard to believe that this little guy is all grown up and in college now!!

Good News: I filled out all the forms for the available federal grants and loans and we got enough money that I have had to come up with ZERO out of pocket for his first semester. In fact, he got so much in grants and loans that we actually have money left over for books and a laptop.
GO ME!!

Wednesday

Its Wednesday….just another Wednesday like any other Wednesday.

I don’t usually run Wednesday morning. I wish I did. It’s the best way for me to start a day. Clears my head and refreshes my body. I think I would run more if I lived in town where there were plenty of paved roads. Out my door in one direction there is gravel road and in the other direction the paved road only goes one mile and then it hits the 2 lane county highway which is NOT safe to run on in the dark. To make matters worse, the paved road has a short but very steep hill. Blah.

Today I am thinking about love and loss. About how much we want love but then when we have it, that also means there will be pain. Pain of rejection should the one you love not love you back. Pain when u miss the one your love. Sharing the pain when the one you love is hurting or struggling.

When I was about 10, my father abruptly left my mother and our family and at the time I was determined to not let it “mess me up” so I worked hard to NOT feel anything. Ever since then I have been battling my need for love and my distaste for the pain it causes me. Oh how I wish I could just be satisfied in life without LOVE. How I wish I really could NOT feel anything.

This morning, before my daughter awoke my husband, as usual, suddenly took an interested in me. No, that is not an accurate statement; my husband’s penis needed attention. I am so very weary of the never ending need to ejaculate. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would love to make love to my husband…….but that rarely happens. Usually, we take care of his “needs”. Depressing.

At this point I have come to two firm beliefs regarding my marriage. One, my husband loves me as best he can and means well. He is trying. He is doing the best he can. Two, my husband is not truly capable of loving anyone but himself and our daughter (she is part of himself). He can’t really connect or feel intimacy with other people and because of this, he pretty much doesn’t enjoy other people and rarely has any need for them.

Which leaves me one lonely wife.

Q & A

Why did you marry him?

1) We have a child

2) I respect his intelligence. He is smart. I feel I can ask him things that I don’t know and he will know them.

3) He is responsible and a whole list of such criteria that are, for me, requirements for marriage.

4) At my age men are not lining up to marry me…..especially with 4 kids.

5) Mainly my need to be accepted and not rejected.

Why do you stay with him when you are so obviously not happy?

1) Raising a kid alone is NOT something I really want to do.

2) Two incomes are better than one.

3) In so many ways we do get along and work together. Many things are not broken.

4) To divorce again would make me feel like I failed…….like I am a failure. I have a strong need to make this work no matter what.

5) I think too many people rush to “trade up” or they just give up too soon. I don’t believe that is the best strategy.

6) The occasional moment when it ALL works. Gives you some feeling that it could get better not worse if you keep trying.

7) Seems ridiculously selfish to trash the whole family because I have a few needs that are not being met. Not that those needs aren’t important.

8) He really does have his moments where he is a great husband. So I know he can do it. Unfortunately he doesn’t act this way more often than not.

9) For the most part I think he tries to make it work. I think he means well.

What would you change if you could wave your magic wand over your marriage?

1) I wish we communicated better. I wish he talked to me more. I wish he would share with me what goes on in his life. I wish he wanted to hear about my life. I wish he would discuss plans and decisions with me more often. In short, I wish we were friends.

2) I wish his mood was more stable and predictable. He can be very depressive and negative at times. I have had no luck understanding what triggers him. It seems rather random. I really hate coming home and not knowing if he will be pleasant or be giving me the cold shoulder…it’s actually more of a “Fuckoff vibe”.

3) I wish he was more physically affectionate. I like to cuddle, touch, hug and kiss. He only does these things in an effort to get his sexual needs met. He VERY RARELY expresses physical affection for me unless sex is his goal.

4) I wish he was more supportive of me. I wish he was my advocate. He tends to say nothing at all or say things that are critical. He is supportive and understanding of other people most of the time but not so with me.

5) He HATES for me to tell him what to do and is passive aggressive with his reaction to my requests. For example, if he is mad at me he will leave the toilet seat up. Or if I kindly ask him to be sure he gets his cans in the recycle bin, suddenly more cans end up in the trash. There is an air of defiance that he seems to embrace that makes him so oppositional. This is probably an extension of item number 4. I just wish we were on the same team!

To summarize: He doesn’t make me feel loved, or needed or a part of his life. I feel that we are just not intimate as a married couple should be, as I really need it to be. I am starved for intimacy and that connection to another person.

Freedom

This weekend my husband is going out of town for a boat race. He will be staying with his parents so he is taking our daughter along so she can visit them. I am staying here to supervise the teenaged kids while the ex-husband is out of town (and take care of the dog and the chickens).

I used to dread when my husband would leave me at home and go off to do his adventures. I would feel “left behind” and I would worry that he enjoyed getting away from me too much or that he was going to visit his old girlfriend and show off our daughter. I was concerned he was still involved with her in some way.

But this weekend I am super happy that he is leaving and I get the WHOLE weekend to myself. I have a huge list of things I want to do and admittedly, most of them would not get done if he and my four year old were here. Some of them are practical things like reading or painting doll furniture. There are the normal “must do” things like my long run and a bike ride. But other things are selfish things like more time with friends or just savoring my FREEDOM.

A few weeks ago he went to KC with our daughter for the weekend and I stayed here. On Saturday morning I ran a 10k race and then actually hung around after for the awards. If my husband had not been gone, I would have had to head home quickly to watch our daughter so he could go out and do something fun too so it was a nice change to linger and chat for a while.

After the race I went to a friend’s house and drank some beer. Yes it was before noon, but it was hot and I got second place at my race and I was in the mood to cut loose. We then ran errands on his motorcycle and spent the whole day goofing off and visiting friends. I had more fun than I have had in a million years. I just enjoyed my day immensely. I did whatever the hell I wanted from sun up to sun down (and I kind of think I deserved it).

Then Sunday I woke up a little hung over and feeling the full weight of responsibility. I quickly started in on my chores and cooking and tried to make up for the “lost” day. It was a day filled with guilt for my acting like a teenager the day before. And, sadly, I kind of dreaded the husband returning and potentially bringing along his doom and gloom attitude.

Long and short of it is this……my husband is not fun, he generally acts like he doesn’t even like me and more and more my solution to this problem is to just go and have my fun elsewhere. I haven’t given up on my marriage and I don’t want a divorce, but I feel less hopeful than ever. I know focusing on having a good time without him is just heading me into all kinds of trouble.

TOO MUCH stuff

I know I am going to sound like Charlie Sheen here but one of the reasons I don’t blog more often is because I have TOO many ideas going on in my head to put them down. My brain is always in overdrive and I have so many thoughts that I just can’t seem to pin them down well enough to write a comprehensive blog entry that is not some 6 pages long or something ridiculous like that.

And, when I try to put the thoughts into cacique short entries it just doesn’t work. They are all related and go hand in hand and don’t seem right when separated.

Another issue is privacy. Lately I have had some stuff to say…..or think out loud about…lots of things…..important things; but out of fear that somehow, some day my husband would find and read my blog, I can’t just say anything I want. I can’t just spill ALL my guts. I keep thinking how to make this work so I can express my feelings without loading a gun and handing it to him.

I often decide that if I just blogged for an hour or half hour a day, it would all work better. I would not get a buildup of ideas and feel so overwhelmed. Then again, if I wait, sometimes what I thought was so important one day seems silly the next. So then I am relieved that I did not bother to put the pen to paper or even if I typed it up I am glad I never actually published it. I do type a lot and then never finish it.

I also think that someday, when I leave this job and can’t have my external hard drive at work and safely away from my husband, I should just delete it all, all the personal B.S. that I really don’t want anyone to read should I die tomorrow. I mean really what good is it to keep all the letters I have received and journal entries I have written for the past 10 years……why bother? I don’t go back and read them for the most part, because the past is the past and it is rather pointless to go back there. Then again I have this strange fear that if I delete anything I might just need it, or miss it, or “lose” something important.

I am not a hoarder of stuff in fact I try to take stuff to the Salvation Army on a regular basis and I am fond of a good cleaning out and pitching of the contents of a cabinet or closet. But when it comes to emotions, or time, or ideas, or things the kids made, I am quite the opposite. I struggle to pitch my daughters craft projects from school yet I know I can’t possibly keep it all. I have to purge once in a while. All the STUFF weighs me down and I know it. I have about 10 large plastic bins in the basement with keep sakes from my youth. It has been 7 or 8 years since I last opened them. I should throw them away but if I pull them out and open them up………I will start to reminisce and they will end up back in the closet. I just can’t throw out the ring my first boyfriend bought me or the Life magazine from 1965 that my mom kept because she was pregnant with me. Those “things” are so much who I am. Maybe someday the kids will drag them out and wonder what they all mean. They mean something to me and only me for the most part.

Maybe that’s the criteria to use for sorting. Keep what I would want to show my grandkids and pitch the rest.

Except It and Move On

On July 4th, my 16 year old daughter totaled her car. The wreck was not that bad, the car is just not worth that much. I was not shocked or upset when this happened as I fully expected it from her. This is why she was driving the worthless car! Ramone is a dreamer with her head in the clouds. She is not a responsible mature teen.

The following day I just had to get my car washed because it had been filthy for days if not weeks. At my house, the spray nozzle for the hose was broken and the sponge was left wet in the wash bucket to mold (thanks to my husband) so I had no choice but to head to the car wash.

At the car wash, I asked the little attendant girl if it would be OK to go though the wash with my bike rack on the back of my car. (I can’t get it off and did not want to wait for the husband to do it at his leisure.) She assured me it was no big deal. At the same time, there are signs all over the place that say they are not responsible for damage to your car if you have modified it or have things sticking off it.

So I proceeded into the wash and when I pulled out the other end I went to see how the back of my car was and found the rack was down and my car bumper was gouged up. Obviously a piece of equipment attached to the round brush had rubbed on it. It made my stomach churn and I stood there stunned. I actually thought “wow, I bet it will cost $500 to fix that!” (Later that was confirmed at the body shop.)

I quickly went to the booth and told the girl who didn’t even really apologize. She just repeated “I don’t know what to tell you.” Or something like that. I told her more than once to not let the next person with a rear rack drive in there. I guess they got paid so they don’t care.

I dried the car and inspected the rack and it seemed fine. As I drove off I called the husband and had a meltdown. I’ve just had WAY too much bad luck in the car department lately. He was sweet and supportive and assured me we would get it fixed. I felt a bit better………a very small bit.

A few days later, Ramone took one look at it and told me I was bat shit crazy if I wasted $500 fixing the bumper. That it didn’t look that bad and it would not rust and there was no reason to fix it.

At first I thought “she is just like her father, not caring if her belongings are torn up and trashy”. But, she got me to thinking……….really why do I want to fix it so badly? Why do I have the overwhelming urge to get it fixed as quickly as possible?

I stewed on the answer for a while and came up with this: I want to hide my mistake, take back my error, and make the ugly truth disappear. I want to turn back time and make everything back new again.

On a deeper level, does this not mirror how I feel about life? How I hate change, how I try to preserve things. How I want things to be perfect all the time…..unblemished. But really, is not the real world imperfect and blemished? Why can’t I accept that?

Why can’t I just exist and let things be as they are? Why do I have to try and control things all the time? It just leads to constant frustration. Why can’t I just except that things are fucked up in the world and move on. It won’t hurt me to leave my bumper looking like this. It makes no difference in anything important. I just need to except it and move on.

Blog "friends"

I read blogs at work as a distraction from my super boring job. Sometimes I just browse around looking for a new blog that might catch my fancy but I also have some blogs I read every day. A few of these blogs I have been following for years now. I know the kids, I know the family, I know the issues and I feel a connection. I call these people my “blog friends” because I truly care for them and what is going on in their lives just like I do my “in person” friends.

I often wonder if the blog author has any idea who I am or if I exist. I have commented from time to time on their blogs, but generally I don’t chime in for one reason or another. Maybe I just don’t feel important enough to horn in on their lives by commenting and making them feel they must reply. Usually, they have plenty of commenters anyway.

Recently I had a blog friend make her blog “by invitation only”. I have no way of contacting this person to ask to be let in so now I am left to wonder what happened and how they are. I have a hunch as to why she did it and I understand and don’t take it personally.

BUT, at the same time, now I may never find out what happens to these people. I may never see another photo of her kids that I have been watching grow up since they were babies. I feel sad that I am just suddenly cut off from this family that I had felt connected to.

Then I think of the other blogs I read religiously. If my blog friend should choose to shut down their blog, I would have no way of ever finding them again. I would wonder what happened and how there life is and have no way to find out. And I think there are a few that I could hardly bare to lose touch with. It is such an odd relationship if you think about it. I feel so connected to these people yet they may not even know who I am!!!

And even more disturbing, I know they can’t blog for the rest of my life so at some point, they will indeed go away which makes me sad.

SELF IMPROVEMENT (constant and ongoing)

I hate the word “diet” because it immediately makes people think you are doing something extreme or unhealthy (like eating no carbs).

But for the last few weeks I have been reducing my calorie intake and upping my healthy food consumption. To be more precise, I had been lazy all winter and let my weight creep up and now it is time to knuckle down and get back in shape for summer. Calorie counting has been mandated!

The goal is to lose 5 pounds which sounds easier than it is. When I lose 5 pounds I will be at my “healthy” weight and my clothes will not be so tight. Also, being lighter will facilitate faster running.

Fact: I have weighed the same, give or take 5 pounds, since I was 12 years old (7th grade) except for when I was pregnant.

In order to reach this goal as quickly as possible, I set up a little challenge for myself and it goes like this:
I am not allowed to drink ANYTHING other than water (and V8 which I frequently have for dinner) until I lose the 5 pounds. No beer, wine, soda, drink mixes, or juice; nothing but water. The added bonus built into this process is that I know I will get into the habit of drinking water which really is the best beverage choice 99% of the time. I used to drink water all the time when I was in my super healthy faze a few years ago and I really would like to get back into the habit. Water is free and has no calories. It is what I should be drinking.

So far I have been on this “diet” for about two weeks. I have lost a couple of pounds and I was totally kicking ass on counting my calories (1500 per day) and drinking my water. I was feeling really good about it….feeling healthy and strong. I had gotten used to feeling hungry. (I don’t care what people say, I can’t lose weight without going hungry.) I cut at least 500-1000 calories per day from my diet and I was not losing weight as fast as I had hoped, which was frustrating, but the bonus of feeling so good about making smart choices and being in control was really keeping me going.

Then the husband left town and I felt I had to party. So over the weekend I broke my rules and pretty much ate and drank whatever I wanted. And you know what? I felt like crap, both physically and mentally. A few glasses of wine did not make me feel liberated or happy it just made me feel lazy and detached. The good news is; it was easy Monday morning to hop back on the healthy train when jumping off kinda sucked anyway. The bad news is I know I set my weight loss project back by a few days if not a week and now I am back to starving for the foreseeable future. I wish I would have just stuck to the plan all weekend.

I have also decided that I am no longer going to drink wine at all even after I hit my goal weight. I cut hard liquor from my diet a few years back and have always been darn glad I did and now it is time for wine to go too. It seems to work best for me if I just make a segment of food or drink off limits completely. For example I just don’t eat anything that is deep fried and I don’t eat mayonnaise. I may sneak a taste now and then but I certainly stay away from it for the most part once it has been banned. I will still have a beer or two with my husband, but I like rules and I am going to make no wine a new rule.

BOOKS

I have read a few self help books in my day and most of them are a whole lot of nothing and a waste of time. But every once in a while I find something I think has value. These two books fall into that category.


First, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. The first time I read this book it just made me angry. Now, after living with my husband and getting sick of feeling like I don’t get him, I found this book is actually very helpful. My husband is the typical beast this book describes. I think in the past I was fortunate enough to deal with men that were more evolved, but if your man is part cave man, this book is for you. Read it and you will better understand your man’s crazy ways.

Next is “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud. This book is in the Christian read section, but you can just skip over the bible quotes if you don’t find them necessary (which is what I do). The book is full of practical, real advice on making a better marriage and hell just being a better person. In fact, there are more than one “boundaries” book so you can find one that applies to your relationship issue whatever that may be. I bought this book and have studied it a lot. Very useful.