Friday

Wake up at 5 and try to go back to sleep. Why is the bed SOOOOO hot?  (damn hormones)

Get up and blog in my office. I love that I have this separate space to go hide in the dark before everyone else wakes up.

8 am, run out front to hand the lawn mower guy his check and then drop the girl at school. I have had her all week which has been nice. Her dad has a deadline and is (supposedly) working a lot. I don’t care what he is doing I will happily have my daughter stay at home with us. ( I will be documenting all the times he doesn’t keep her per the divorce agreement.......just in case!)

Friss will call right as the girl gets out of the car and I will talk to him for 20 minutes or an hour depending on if anyone is waiting for a phone on his end.

Then I will clean up my mountain bike shoes, change a flat tire and head to the park for a nice spring ride.

I will climb a lot of hills on the bike and lament how out of shape I am.

Home for lunch.  Must eat vegetables!  Trying to lose weight I will drink a big glass of V8 and call it done.

Around 2 Monster will text that he is off work and I will take him to the gym and stay to do my own workout. I went last Monday but missed Wednesday thanks to the haircut fiasco.

Monster will give me the Demon chicken for Friss' food visit.

I will arrive home around 4:30 pm to an empty house.  Kevin is doing a golf thing with work.  I will hopefully find something to do.  Maybe visit a friend.  If not I will watch TV and drink wine or maybe tackle a home project.  Long run tomorrow so nothing too crazy.

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Update.....the boy didn't want to go to the gym.
He freaked when  I asked about the Demon Chicken.
He was grumpy and work didn't go well.
I know why...he knows why.
He just started working nights as a bouncer.  Guess what?  lack of sleep is messing him all up.
I sure hope he doesn't ruin his good day job to be a bouncer at a club.
These kids will be the death of me!!

My Life Now

This morning I got up and told Kevin I needed some money to mail with his and his daughters tax returns and some money to pay some bills.  Mostly of the bills that are the result of getting this house in order.  There was $600 for the new craft cabinet and all the kitchen and bath stuff from Target.  He, without a single complaint, handed me 4 signed checks for me to fill out as needed and mail/deposit.

I have bill pay all set up on my internet banking and it is slick as snot.  I "push" all the payments when I want them to be paid and I do it all from my online banking website (one location).  He generally pays his bills online but goes to each vendor and uses their bill paying option.  It is a lot more work and if he loses his password he loses his mind.  He told me now that we are living together we need a joint system.  This morning, I said "how about I pay all the household bills and you write me a monthly check to cover them and you pay your other bills as you like?"  He said that would work great and so, simple as that, we have a plan.

Once again, after YEARS of butting heads with JDK, I am overwhelmed with joy at just how easy it is for me and Kevin to put together an efficient plan that works for both of us.  This is why he is my rock.  He is a kind, loving, giving and agreeable person.  He and I make a good team.  My life is so much better because of him!

AND...I think he would say the same of me.

So today I set up the gas bill and the combined utilities (trash, water, sewer and electic) to pay from my BOA account.  I still need to set up the house payment but it is not due until the first of May.

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Monster has been doing a great job of getting to work and to the gym despite the fact his car is dead. Today I told him WE would go to the gym.  Meaning I would work out at the same time he does so I wouldn't just be chauffeuring him around.  I have told him this before but never followed through but today, I put on my capri yoga pants and hit the gym with the boy.  I got in a great workout and best of all me and the (now 21 years old) boy connected and communicated. 

He showed me his favorite machines at the gym.  I joked about how I bench the bar only and can't do it with any weights on it.  His backpack zipper wasn't working so I offered to bring him an extra of mine.  He needs to file for a lost title to his car and we made a plan to get that done.   I love that I can be here for him.  I feel like a real mom!

AGAIN, I am so grateful to have this time with my kids.....to be here for them instead of at work feeling rushed and overwhelmed.  I couldn't do this without Kevin and I know that.  How awesome is this!?!!

I am so very happy.

Monster Turns 22

Today is Monster's birthday.

I went to the bank and got a brand new, crisp, $100 bill to put in his card.

I happen to see his sister today and she told me that they were going out to dinner to celebrate his birthday.   I inquired as to where and when hoping I could go also.

Then she confess that her father and his new wife were taking everyone out and I was NOT invited. 

Until she came along me and the kids father would take them out and split the bill 50/50.  It was always a fun time to get everyone together but now he can't invite me cause new wife doesn't like me.   She is obviously co-dependent and insecure and that leaves me out in the cold.

When she first started hanging around we would still split the bill 50/50 even though he brought a date and I didn't!!

Anyhow, they obviously planned this ahead of time and that is where I made my mistake.  I didn't plan an activity with him.  Sometimes I am really terrible about such things.  I get busy with all the day to day stuff and don't plan ahead for birthdays and such.  Besides, in the past, on the actual birthday, the kids would blow me off in favor of hanging with their buddies not there boring old mom.

SO....note to self....from now on I need to schedule my own birthday dinners with the kids and preferably beat their dad at making the date.

Thursday

Thursdays are usually my good days. The one day a week I tend to feel mentally “normal” all day.

I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.

I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation.  We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.

Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.

Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.

Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.

Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!

I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!

Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.

While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out.  He told me I can be rude at times.  We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.

Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.

He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.

Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.

UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.

A Mother's Fears Come True

Today.....both Ramone and Monster went and got this tattoo on their legs. 

I am just sick to my stomach over it.

Sick that they are doing permanent damage to their bodies....sick that they choose to spend their money this way.  Sick that next time they approach me and say "Mom...my car is broke down you have to help me out."  I am going to have to say "gosh...maybe you should have saved up for an emergency instead of spending so much money on a tattoo!"

Money

My ex husband, the father of the teenagers, is a financial nightmare.  His house is in disrepair, falling apart.  He is drowning in credit card debt.  He has never saved a dime in his life and often has nothing to show for what money he has earned.  He has a decent paying job with good benefits but still he just can’t seem to make ends meet.  He is not the type to blow his money on drugs, women or even fancy cars.  (Remember I just gave him a car.) No, he blows his money on fast food, cable TV and art supplies.  At the end of the day he stands before the world acting sad and beaten down; shrugging his shoulders as if he does his best but he just can’t come out on top.  It’s not his fault you know….life is just hard.  Everyone feels sorry for him.

I am almost half a century old.  I have been working my ass off for over 30 years now.  I have often gone without things so I don’t rack up debt.  I made straight A’s in college so I could get my tuition covered by my employer.  I live cheaply and squirrel my money away.  I don’t have cable TV or internet service at home it’s just too expensive for what you get.   I have gone years without a single penny to spend on entertainment or clothes.  I even lived for a few years without a couch after my divorce; sat on the floor.  I carefully buy quality things and take care of them so they last a long time or pick up great bargains from Craigslist.  I now have some nice things and some money in savings and I earned every last bit of it.  No one feels sorry for me……in fact everyone thinks I somehow owe them ….mainly money of course.

So in the ever continuing saga of how teenager suck the life out of you and make you wish you had gotten your tubes tied at the ripe old age of 12, Monster and I had another huge fight this weekend…..and you guessed it…..it was over money.

A few months ago he told me he wanted to move out of his dad’s house and in with a friend.  We discussed some of the details and he assured me that his roommate to be was a very stable and trustworthy young man who could be counted on to pay his half.  I was happy the boy seemed to be thinking it through and offered to talk to potential landlords for him in an effort to be sure they ended up in a decent place.  I even offered to help him with the bills should he continue to keep his grades up and act like a mature adult.  Basically I did my best to be involved and supportive despite the fact that I really don’t think he should move out when he has a “free” place to stay and there is no reason to move.

Please note he has told me many times in the past few months that he hates living at Dads to which I respond “then why don’t you come live with me?”  I have a bedroom, bathroom and living area downstairs that he could have all to himself.  He always declines because, well because… he knows I won’t let him stay up all night or smoke pot in my house.  Besides I don’t have cable TV or internet service and who can live like that?

So yesterday he calls me to tell me that 2 other friends lost a roommate and he wants to move in with them and he wants to know how much money I am going to give him for rent.  I told him I was not willing to pay his rent.  Rather than discuss it any further, he chose to hang up on me and start sending me viscous text messages about what a bitch I am and how I am a terrible mother. 

I then calmly reminded him that he has totaled his car not once, but twice since he purchased it and I have both times got him back on the road (about $10k worth of auto repairs!).  Not to mention the fact that I had to kick in about $3000 for him to buy the car in the first place.  I buy his school books and pay part of his tuition too.  AND I still pay his father child support each month and buy all his clothes, shoes, etc.  Basically he is costing me a shit ton of money yet to him, I am a stingy bitch who is just so mean to him.

Long and short of it is this; I wish I had never given the kids a dime….I should have just told them I was broke and can’t help them. Hell I could at least say look I have a new car so I am plumb out of money for you. …spent it all on myself, sorry.  It would be so much nicer than bending over backwards to be helpful only to be totally unappreciated and treated like dirt.

Depression and Compassion

All weekend I have been depressed.  All weekend I have just felt so lost and empty; that the world is too much, that it is all too hard.  I found myself praying that I would not wakeup in the morning which is something I have not done in a long time.

Husband was nice this weekend….for the most part…..this time it isn’t his fault that I am down.  No, actually it is the combination of the school shooting in Connecticut, my own teenagers acting like fools, Christmas time of the year and my propensity to be self loathing when I feel that I am not the best person I can be.  I’m feeling extremely self critical.  And, in order to combat this depression I drank too much wine….so now I can feel crappy about that too.

When you have a child you experience a bond that is on a deeper level than any other bond.  All you parents out there know what I am talking about.  I am sure, to a large extent; this is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring we care for our offspring so our species will continue to thrive.  But still it is a real emotion and we all feel it.  You have a baby and the world changes…your focus changes and in so many ways you put them before you.  You would do almost anything to ensure they are happy, healthy and grow up to be productive decent citizens.  This devotion also has an emotional price because if anything should happen to your child you will be devastated.

My first born didn’t make it.  He is spending 15-20 years in prison.  I failed at raising him to be a happy, healthy productive decent citizen.  As a mother it hurts…..to the bottom of my heart it hurts.  It hurts to see his life like this and it hurts because I feel I should have done better.  I should have saved him.

Add to that the fact that when his “life” ended it was one week before Christmas and that has forever left a bad taste in my mouth for Christmas.  I will always associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.  And now 28 families in CT….hell the whole town…..will also associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.

I know how quickly life can change.  I know what it is like to have to get rid of all your child’s belongings because they won’t be coming home.  I know what those families are going through and my heart aches for them.  So much so that I can’t shake this deep despair that has sunk in and the more the news coverage goes on and on the worse it gets.  I have got to stop turning on the radio and the TV.

As a bonus this Christmas, Monster and Ramone are teenagers, nineteen and seventeen years old.  They are at the age where they can and probably will make life altering mistakes.  They are also getting too old for me to *make* them do the right thing.  All I can do is offer advice and hope they listen while I stand by holding my breath and hoping they will be lucky enough to not really fuck up their whole lives.  I am scared to death for them because I know they don’t get it and by the time they do it might just be too late.

Saturday night Monster called me (wait it was Sunday morning at 3 am) with some very lame stuff that he was upset about.  He told me he was in a fight and I could tell he had been driving drunk.  I am so scared for these kids I can’t sleep!

Another thing that has me stewing is the fact that the gun enthusiast are using this as an occasion to push for MORE guns; which seems like a ridiculous idea to me.  I am not blaming guns for what happened because I do believe that people kill people not guns.  But a gun did make it easier for this mad man to kill MORE people…..so gun restrictions make more sense to me.  You will never convince me that arming teachers will make schools safer.  That is just plain nuts.

Then there are the people who are saying that we have turned our backs on God and that is why this has happened.  To them I say……because no Godly person ever goes nuts?.....because people can’t be decent human beings without God?....because all morality is rooted in the bible?  I guess I am just offended that so many people seem to think that you can’t be a good person unless you believe in their God; especially since I seem to see so many cold hearted hateful things coming from people in the name of religion.  I am not trying to bash God or say that all religious people are hateful just that it is not the miracle cure we are in need of. It is just not that simple. More wars have been fought and more people killed in the name of God….so don’t tell me that God is the solution to violence.

Last but not least, there are the political views that are also getting pushed using this shooting as an opportunity.  Shame on you all for taking such a terrible tragedy and trying to turn it into your chance to push your political beliefs on others.

I don’t have the answers and I understand that emotions are high right now in all of the camps.  But, what I really would like to see is compassion for ALL involved.  And for more people to say “what can I do to make the world a better place….how can I help?”  The real question is how are we as a society not helping these people who most obviously are not OK.  It’s about mental health and how we are falling short in the care of those in need. 

And one more thing….school are still safe.  The odds of your kid getting shot at school are like infinitesimal.   STOP freaking out!  I don’t want our kids locked in….I don’t want armed guards.  There has got to be a better way!

Being a Parent is Hard

When kids are young…..like Beanie, they wear you out.  Yesterday she was talking constantly, talking too loud and crabby most all of the time from the moment she woke up.  By 9 am I was ready to run away from home or at least find the duct tape so I could silence her for a moment.

Then last night I found out that Monster’s dog (A boxer at his Dad’s house) had been struck by a car and taken to the emergency vet clinic at the university.  I knew it was bad when his dad phoned to say the dog was stabilized and they required a $1200 deposit. 

Around 11p.m. my phone woke me and I saw it was Monster calling.  I didn’t answer, I pushed silent.  I just couldn’t stomach the call.  Then I laid there thinking that he had left me a sobbing voice mail telling me that Duke was dead.  The boy is 6 feet tall and well over 200 pounds.  He is 19 years old now and for all practical purposes a grown man.  I felt for my son who has to endure another heart ache.  Our last dog died only a couple of years ago from cancer and that really tore him up.  I couldn’t get back to sleep because I just hurt for him.

And if I let my mind go there, I empathized with the dog so much I felt nauseous….I think it’s a bit of trauma still left from my grandson dying from violence.  The poor poor dog suffering in pain and not understanding what was going on.  I hope he knows that Monster was holding him at the end when they put him to sleep so he would not suffer any longer.

But hardest of all for me to stomach is that the world is often a bad place and a hard place and a place that is not fair and my poor children are learning that…..of course, the hard way, like we all do.  It is hard to stand by and see them grow up and suffer grown up pains.  At least Beanie only gets mad because her milk is not chocolatey enough or because Daddy ate the last of her Jello.

RIP Duke

Crisis Averted

This morning my boss was doling out a high school graduate gift of $100 (from the company) to one of my co-workers whose daughter was graduating from high school when he thought to ask me when my son would be graduating.  I told him he was just finishing up his first year of college!!  Boss says cut the boy a check and sorry we missed him.  So I did.

I quickly texted the boy to stop by the office cause I knew this check would make his day.  He showed up shortly after that and was thrilled as you can imagine.

While he was here thanking my boss, we chatted a bit and he told me he had his last final today and he was really amped up for it.  He had been studying and was confident he would ace the test and quite possibly the whole course.  I was proud to see him taking his academics so seriously and getting excited about good grades.  I was feeling very good about my Monster.

Then a few hours later, the phone ring and the boy sputters “mom” into the phone thru tears; just like when he wrecked the car.  My heart dropped.  He went on to tell me that he had showed up for his test and no one was there….. that he had the day wrong and it was YESTERDAY!

OMG the poor boy, he was so upset.  He had been so UP for this test.  I told him to quickly contact the professor or TA and see if there was a makeup test.  He told me he would have to go home to find their number and would do that right away.

Once home he emailed the TA and called me to tell me he did not have a phone number for either the TA or prof!!  Welcome to the internet age.   He had calmed down and assured me he would still pass the class even without the final because he had a high B going into it.  That made us both feel better.

A long hour later the TA finally emailed him back and informed him the makeup test was at 3 p.m. and he could take it then.  He was thrilled and rushed back up to campus and aced his test like he wanted to. 

I am very proud of him for getting that all worked out so he could still take his test.

A Food Visit and A Broken Nose

At 3 am my phone rang.  It jolted me out of a sound sleep.  I looked at the screen and saw it was Monster.  As a mother you know that a 3 am phone call can’t be good news and you MUST answer it because your child may really need you.

I picked up the phone and the boy sounded calm….a good sign.  He then proceeded to explain that he and his buddies had gone out to a comedy club and then after went back to his friend Trevor’s to hang out.  Then someone got the bright idea to mess around with the boxing gloves and now he was in the hospital with a broken nose.

I was so relieved…..that no cops were involved and the car had not been wrecked AGAIN.

In my sleepy state, after my initial feelings of relief all I could think to say was “what is it about you and your sister trying to mess up your face?”  Probably not the best choice of words but then again I never seem to choose the right words at the right time.

Anyway he assured me he was in good hands and that I did not need rush to his side.  (Good thing to because he told me he was at the emergency room I will NOT go to if you know what I mean; bad memories.)  He had already called his dad.  They were getting a plastic surgeon to look at him.  He said he would still be going to see Friss with me in the morning.

I signed off and expressed my displeasure to my husband who in turn told me it was an accident and I should be more sympathetic.  I know he is right but still, it is frustrating when you raise these kids and try so hard to keep them looking presentable (dermatologist, braces, regular dental care, etc.) and then they go and mess it up being drunk and stupid.  I had visions of Jan Brady in my head.

I did actually go back to sleep after a short period of reminding myself that being upset is pointless.  Good for me.

In the morning, I got up and prepared to go visit the birthday boy.  I had to package up all the food in the required containers, the required way so it would pass inspection.  I had purchased quite a few really tasty items and the biggest hit was the key lime pie from Hy-Vee.  You can buy it by the slice and it was divine.

I picked up Monster on the way and he looked much better than Jan Brady.  What a relief.  We drove the hour plus to the correctional facility in pouring rain and my poor old tires are low on tread so it was a bit sketchy.  By the time we got there the weather cleared up and we got checked in pretty quickly.

Most of you probably have no idea how a visit in a prison works so I will describe what it’s like.  After they check your ID and wave the metal detector wand over you (less security than at the airport mind you) they then let you find your way through a series of large metal doors with guards that buzz you thru.  At the end is a large room like a cafeteria with knee high end tables to sit at.  Each table has up to 4 resin type lawn chairs at them where you will sit while visiting.  There is a bank of vending machines against the wall and a few dinky microwaves on the counter to heat a sandwich or pop some pop corn.  There is an area in the corner with a TV set tuned to the cartoon network and they put the children visitors there.

Of course there are rules about touching and what you can wear.  And only one person at a time can get up from the table to go to the vending machines.  The prisoner is not allowed up at all.

After you get to the “cafeteria” they assign you a seat and then you wait for your loved one to come through another set of heavy, clanky metal doors.  It seems like it takes forever for them to arrive since they must be located in the facility and then ushered to the visiting room and before they enter they are searched and change their clothes.

I usually sit in the chair watching the door like a starving dog watching a man eat a steak.  Each time it opens I get my hopes up, quickly judge if it is him or someone else and then relax again and wait some more.  Finally he comes in and I am so happy to see him.  He spots us and walks over and we all exchange the allowed one big hug hello before sitting down.  Beanie is shy at first and won’t hug him.

We spent the next few hours feeding him food and talking about everything we could think of.  Sometimes talking over the din of other people talking gives me a terrible head ache but I just try to ignore it.  Beanie gets bored after an hour or so and I find her a coloring book to play with.  Before too long it is time to leave again and I always feel terrible because I know he wants us to stay longer.  But Monster has a test at school and Beanie needs her nap so we get our hugs goodbye and check back out the way we checked in.

On the drive home Beanie falls asleep and when we pull in the garage she wakes up and gets angry

at me for taking the short cut home and cutting her nap short.  I told her we drove for a long time but she didn’t believe me.  We went in the house and I put the TV on for her and took a quick nap on the couch.  I was wiped out.  It is always taxing on me going to see him because I worry too much that something will go wrong and we won’t get in.  It is heart breaking to drive all that way and then get turned away for some silly little reason.

Today was a very good visit and I know he was thrilled to see us.  Happy Birthday Friss...Mama loves you!!