Another Year Flies by

I can't wrap my head around a year end recap.  But, here is a list of where I am as we end this year.

The Good

• For months now, JDK has been in an agreeable mood and seems to be genuinely investing in our family.
• JDK has been paying for my Cross-fit membership which is about $125.00 per month.  I appreciate the gesture given his history of being so stingy with his money.
• I'm earning a decent income while keeping my time flexible.  I can go on vacation when ever I want and I can afford it.  I have money to put on Friss's phone accounts and to pay for my daughters private school.  I  make my own daily schedule so I can pick Beanie up from school at 3:30 and take her to swim practice at 5 pm.
• For the most part I like the work I do, I like working at home and I like the people I work with.  
• Beanie is a healthy and bright 10 year old.  She is rarely sick and makes excellent grades.  
• Beanie has been on a swim team now for almost a year and is still pretty upbeat about swim practices.   I am so happy that she has a hobby that keeps her active 3 or 4 nights a week.  If not she would do nothing but sit and play with her tablet.
• I've been in a better mood.  I have been concentrating on working, keeping busy and not thinking too much.  When JDK acts "normal" it makes everything easier.

The Bad

• JDK's house hasn't sold yet; not even an offer.  He has been living here rent free for the past year.  (He buys the weekly groceries which he eats 95% of.)
• JDK quit paying his child support which is $300 / month.  I decided to quit asking for it each month which was always contentious.  I assume that if things work out it's not important and if they don't, I have a court order so I should be able to collect it from him later.  (Although...knowing how my life goes there will be some catch and I will be screwed.)
• I am having the hardest time getting motivated to eat right and exercise.  I am sure it is partly due to cold winter days, long winter nights and not having a gym I love anymore.  Working from home makes it more of a struggle to get out the door to run or go work out.  Also I don't have any fun workout pals which always helps.
• Even though JDK has been happier and more easy going, he struggles to engage in real meaningful conversation instead choosing to make silly comments and tease.  There are days I get sick of hearing him open his mouth and say nothing of value.
• In 2017 I spent $371.00 to talk to Friss on the phone.  Glad I get to speak to him however, the cost is outrageous; such a scam.  I feel for the people who's family can't afford such luxury.
• My 10 year old has reached the point where she is constantly pushing back against almost everything I (we) want her to do.  Things like wearing a coat, I just let go and if she freezes, so be it.  However, brushing her teeth, bathing and taking the dogs out to potty, we have to fight about every single day.
• Our sweet little rat is sick.  Been to the vet twice now.  I won't bore you with the details but I think she won't be around much longer.  
• Ramone (aka Sissy) recently got dumped by her jerky boyfriend (who has ZERO respect for her) and is heartbroken.  I feel just terrible that I didn't raise her to have more self respect.....but I guess we all know who's example she is following.  I have been telling her that he's not worth her time and she needs to move on and find a nicer guy.  She of course doesn't listen.
• Sissy also smokes pot all the time.  OMG I am so sick of it.
• I am still working WAY more hours that I want to.  
• Beanie and her best friend "broke up".  It has been heartbreaking to watch her go through losing her closest friend that she loves so dearly.  I am not really sure what happened but I think the teasing and "mean" jokes (learned from her dad) finally did it in.
• Our sex life is still goofy.....it just always feels weird, wrong, off.  I don't know why.  I don't know what to do about it.  When he is not around (during the day) I want to "cuddle" with him, but when we finally fall into bed at night I just don't feel like "working" for it.  I wonder if it is lingering trust issues.

The Ugly

• Not too long after we started doing Cross-fit, my knees started bothering me.  It wasn't long before the right knee was notably worse.  I have tried to baby it thinking it might get better.  I have tried to strengthen it hoping it would adjust to the new movements.  Nothing is really working and at times I have sharp pain that says something is really wrong.  I have toyed with going to a doctor but JDK says they will just send me to PT and change me a copay every time I go.   Not to mention telling me to stop exercising. I think I have a $3000 deductible or something anyway.  If the issue needs surgery (torn meniscus) I would like to find out but if  not I should be able to solve it on my own.  I know what they do in PT.  I may have to quit Cross-fit completely for a while (longer than 2 weeks) and see if that helps.  But, the thought of quitting the one and only thing I have been doing consistently and the only activity JDK and I do together makes me sick.  We have fun at Cross-fit.
• On a more basic level I am just worried that my body is breaking down due to my age and I am going to have to get used to the idea that I may not be able to run anymore or that I may never be fit like I want to be, like I used to be.   Being fit has always been a part of my identity and letting that go is incredibly scary.  I realize I may be over reacting but at the same time people get old and bodies break down, hormones change and eventually we can't "act" young anymore.