My current job doesn't pay very well. I am making half of what I did when I left JDK.
This morning I woke up and realized that it costs about $200 / month to have my lawn cut! Kevin wanted the oversized corner lot and it costs $45 per week to mow it. I think I was paying $20-30 per mow at St. Michael (the rental I was in before here). I can't afford that!
So then I think to myself I guess I will buy a lawn mower and a gas can and mow it myself. Then I think through how I want to spend hours a week mowing grass just about as much as I'd like to receive a root canal. I am actually very allergic to grass and get ZERO pleasure from yard work.
Then I remember when I bought the house in the woods how happy I was that there was basically no yard to mow which was awesome. I had a patch in the front and patch in the back and it took me maybe a 1/2 hour to mow. The grass was crap and never got thick because of the shade from all the trees. And best of all there were no neighbors to notice if I didn't mow for a few weeks. Oh and there was no need to do "trimming" because I was in the woods.
Then I think maybe I should have just sold it instead of keeping it. I really do NOT want this house. But after months of analysis, it just seemed like the best option. You see, I kept it because it was the least awful option.
Let me explain. We put a good chunk down on this house and the monthly payment is just shy of $1000. I can just about swing that type of a payment per month but nothing more.
I researched rental properties in the same price range. Choice one, a dumpy duplex where the inside hasn't been updated in 20 years, (think tinfoil wrapped trays under coil burners on your tan colored stove.) the carpet is just gross from prior tenants soiling it before the landlord has it professionally cleaned AGAIN. Oh and the neighbors have unruly kids and dogs chained out back and they are really close because they cram those types of building up against each other. Looked at one and thought ANYTHING would be better.
I looked at houses to rent. The ones that are big enough to store all my belongings run about $1200/ month or more. In fact I came very close to renting one because it was almost perfect location and size and neighborhood. It was $1400 per month. But gosh that seems like a huge chunk of money to throw away on rent.
The house at St. Michael was actually available again. I loved that place. I probably should have taken it. Let me tell you why I didn't. The house has a one car garage and is about 1000 square feet, so very small. The rent is $1050 which is reasonable. However, I would have to rent a storage unit to store my belongings that I don't really need but can't get rid of. The storage unit would be about $100 per month...maybe it was a little bit more. So now my rental house is technically costing me $1200 per month again. JDK said I could store stuff in his basement for free, but I don't know that I want to trust him that much. Some days I do and others I don't. I bet it would irritate Roslyn which would give me joy. On some level I worried that moving back there would be like going backwards too.
Also consider this; moving all my stuff to a rental would probably cost me about $1000 and then once I got there I would be there for a year and then probably want to buy a house....so another $1000 to move. (At least if I'm in my own home I am building up some equity.) Not to mention all the work involved with each move. I just moved twice in two years and I am really sick of moving. If I were to buy another home I would like it to be in the same area of town I am in now. So then I think to myself, why pay the real estate agent, the movers and the landlord, if I ultimately will end up living in a different house in the same neighborhood. I mean I would rather I had a smaller lot and a different floor plan but other than that it is a nice new house and my kid feels at home here. So there is value to that too. Why move her over and over again?
So then I end up keeping this place even though it's not ideal and I guess I will have to dip into savings to pay to get the grass done. Stupid yards are just a waste to me. No one uses it except the dog to take a dump.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Sunday, April 24, 2016
The End
Well it looks like we are finally going to end this stupid arrangement and Kevin will be moving out next weekend.
I can't even begin to tell you how much bullshit has been involved in getting to this point. The needless fights, the selfish childish behavior. He kept asking for more and more money (and things, like the washer and dryer) for me to buy him out. Each time I would think we had a deal he would come back a week or more later and want more. I ended up giving him a few thousand more than is fair so I guess I actually am paying him to go away. If it weren't for Beanie I would have sold the house just so he wouldn't be able to fuck with me like he has. Evidently screwing me over is his favorite pastime.
The fact that he has done the mental gymnastics that leave him feeling completely guilt free from any of this is beyond my comprehension. He started looking for a way to put the guilt on me from the moment he got caught cheating and when we had that big fight in October that was his out. In his mind that made us even...we both did something wrong. He likes to paint this picture where I brazenly attached him and beat him up. It is so fucking ridiculous. He blocked me into the corner of the kitchen and a physical fight ensued. We were both upset and we both walked away with bruises. I'm not saying it was OK, I'm just saying that I am not a violent person and I didn't attach him but that is how he likes to tell the story. Whatever.
For months I have been living with a man who has no problem being blatantly rude to me or plotting to steel from me (house deal). Then at times he will be sweet like the old Kevin. It is such a mind fuck. I am glad it will be over soon.
He is purchasing a brand new house just outside of town where he can get more house for his money. I saw pictures of it and it is very nice. In fact I like it better than this house. I think he will be very happy there. In the long run it all works out great for him. He loves the new house with new everything so he won't have to worry about maintenance. The builder is letting him move in before closing. He told me how nice and quiet it is going to be. He was used to living alone and can't wait to get back to it. I think the sitting in the living room here was just a power play....inserting himself in the middle so we wouldn't feel we were in charge. Good riddance you limp dicked man child.
BUT......then I will be all alone here. I do NOT like living alone or being single and I am not going to apologize for that. I am sick of people who say you have to be happy alone. If being alone is so awesome then why are most people in a couple?
I'm not saying I am going to rush out and hookup with anyone rather than be alone. In have resolved myself to the fact that I won't be making love to anyone for many years to come and maybe never again. Which makes me so sad. I seriously doubt there is anyone within 60 miles of my home that I would want to date. My boss says I have to look farther. When Beanie gets older I might.
Now I miss my house in the woods so dang much it's ridiculous and I am stuck in this house that KEVIN wanted so much. I am not that crazy about it. However it is in a great location and the resell value is good.
And then I get to go pick up my daughter and see my old house where Roslyn gets to enjoy my woods, my husband, my sink and all the things I stupidly left behind. Everyone is happy with how this all worked out but me.
I think JDK is very happy with how things turned out. The new girlfriend tolerates him doing all his selfish things and never complains. She is not a talker like me and I know that suits him. He treats her better than he did me because he worries she will leave. He didn't think I ever would. He has way more free time now because he has me and Roslyn to babysit. Oh and best of all they are child free 4 nights a week so they go out on the town all the time.
How the fuck did I manage to get myself here. I am just a fucking fool.
Seriously I am having really bad anxiety attacks knowing I basically ended up with NOTHING I had hoped for.
I can't even begin to tell you how much bullshit has been involved in getting to this point. The needless fights, the selfish childish behavior. He kept asking for more and more money (and things, like the washer and dryer) for me to buy him out. Each time I would think we had a deal he would come back a week or more later and want more. I ended up giving him a few thousand more than is fair so I guess I actually am paying him to go away. If it weren't for Beanie I would have sold the house just so he wouldn't be able to fuck with me like he has. Evidently screwing me over is his favorite pastime.
The fact that he has done the mental gymnastics that leave him feeling completely guilt free from any of this is beyond my comprehension. He started looking for a way to put the guilt on me from the moment he got caught cheating and when we had that big fight in October that was his out. In his mind that made us even...we both did something wrong. He likes to paint this picture where I brazenly attached him and beat him up. It is so fucking ridiculous. He blocked me into the corner of the kitchen and a physical fight ensued. We were both upset and we both walked away with bruises. I'm not saying it was OK, I'm just saying that I am not a violent person and I didn't attach him but that is how he likes to tell the story. Whatever.
For months I have been living with a man who has no problem being blatantly rude to me or plotting to steel from me (house deal). Then at times he will be sweet like the old Kevin. It is such a mind fuck. I am glad it will be over soon.
He is purchasing a brand new house just outside of town where he can get more house for his money. I saw pictures of it and it is very nice. In fact I like it better than this house. I think he will be very happy there. In the long run it all works out great for him. He loves the new house with new everything so he won't have to worry about maintenance. The builder is letting him move in before closing. He told me how nice and quiet it is going to be. He was used to living alone and can't wait to get back to it. I think the sitting in the living room here was just a power play....inserting himself in the middle so we wouldn't feel we were in charge. Good riddance you limp dicked man child.
BUT......then I will be all alone here. I do NOT like living alone or being single and I am not going to apologize for that. I am sick of people who say you have to be happy alone. If being alone is so awesome then why are most people in a couple?
I'm not saying I am going to rush out and hookup with anyone rather than be alone. In have resolved myself to the fact that I won't be making love to anyone for many years to come and maybe never again. Which makes me so sad. I seriously doubt there is anyone within 60 miles of my home that I would want to date. My boss says I have to look farther. When Beanie gets older I might.
Now I miss my house in the woods so dang much it's ridiculous and I am stuck in this house that KEVIN wanted so much. I am not that crazy about it. However it is in a great location and the resell value is good.
And then I get to go pick up my daughter and see my old house where Roslyn gets to enjoy my woods, my husband, my sink and all the things I stupidly left behind. Everyone is happy with how this all worked out but me.
I think JDK is very happy with how things turned out. The new girlfriend tolerates him doing all his selfish things and never complains. She is not a talker like me and I know that suits him. He treats her better than he did me because he worries she will leave. He didn't think I ever would. He has way more free time now because he has me and Roslyn to babysit. Oh and best of all they are child free 4 nights a week so they go out on the town all the time.
How the fuck did I manage to get myself here. I am just a fucking fool.
Seriously I am having really bad anxiety attacks knowing I basically ended up with NOTHING I had hoped for.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Conflict Avoidance
One thing that has been a huge problem for me this last year is my fear of people I love being mad at me.
When I was a kid I was trained to keep my parents happy or there would be very bad consequences. For one, I feared my father would beat me to death (I know I have blogged about that before). But at a younger age, before I could really process it, I do believe I was neglected or even rejected enough to fear for my survival. Because very small children depend on their parents for THEIR LIVES. If your parents abandon you, you will die. It is a very basic instinct that all infants poses. They NEED love and attention to feel safe. Before babies are old enough to walk they develop a sense of belonging and safety in the world by how their parents treat them. I didn't get what I needed from my parents. (not blaming them I know they meant well and did the best they could.)
Because I didn't want to make JDK angry at me I put off addressing the child support issue for an entire year. And every time I would bring it up I would be so distraught because I was starting trouble. Over and over again I would fight with myself internally wanting to get what was fair and due us (me and Bean) but being so loathsome at the idea of having him mad at me that I would keep quiet. Especially after Kevin turned on me and I was dealing with all that pain and suffering.
We finally have it behind us now and I feel so relieved. Letting it sit in front of me and cause me fear just heaped another unresolved issue on my overflowing plate of shame and guilt and fear. And when we finally did resolve it I lost a lot of money because I had been paralyzed by my need to keep everyone else happy at my own emotional and, this time, financial well being. I now kick myself for keeping myself in limbo for so long. I didn't have to do that. It was bad for me and it was bad for my relationship with JDK.
I am desperately trying to learn what I need and that I can ask for it and that it won't makes things worse, it will make things better.
It sounds so simple as I type it out here but this is a huge problem for me. I make my needs small, suffer internally because I do it, but fear an even bigger suffering should I speak up and take care of myself. I fear revenge or worse yet, I fear rejection and those are both painful too. It is a cycle that I have perpetuated my whole life and I will never be whole until I can break it.
Yesterday I finally told Kevin that I wanted him to put ALL his stuff in the basement and stay away from me and Beanie until he moves out. I told him that I wasn't doing it to be mean but because I need some boundaries so that I can heal and mourn the loss of our relationship. Having him here all this time, smack dab in the middle of the living room, has been pure torture for me. I have been trying to give up hope that things will get better so I can let it all go but at the same time I see him and I remember how much I loved him and how when it was good it was damn good and then I can't let go of the hope and I am just stuck in a pain filled cycled of rejection over and over again.
It sucks that I have to actually ask him to completely reject me (get physically away from me) so I can have some mental space so I don't feel abused by him. I know I have said it a thousand times, but when you are done with a person, fucking leave them alone! It is just cruel not to. You aren't doing them a favor by being nice, hugging them or kissing them....no...you are just confusing them and making them wonder if you changed your mind "maybe there is hope!?!?!"
I was too cowardly to tell him in person so I texted him. I expected a nasty response but instead he said he would move his stuff this weekend when he could get a person to come help and he would stay away from me from now on. I, being the chump I am, thanked him and apologized repeatedly for asking.
But you know what? Last night I picked Beanie up and we came home and had a VERY nice relaxing evening. We put my books on the shelf; something I didn't do when we moved in because I worried Kevin would judge me harshly by the number of self help books I have. We sketched and planned her school project. It was SOOO nice.
And when he finally came home around 9 pm he walked in the door and was pleasant to me! OMG such a relief.
When I was a kid I was trained to keep my parents happy or there would be very bad consequences. For one, I feared my father would beat me to death (I know I have blogged about that before). But at a younger age, before I could really process it, I do believe I was neglected or even rejected enough to fear for my survival. Because very small children depend on their parents for THEIR LIVES. If your parents abandon you, you will die. It is a very basic instinct that all infants poses. They NEED love and attention to feel safe. Before babies are old enough to walk they develop a sense of belonging and safety in the world by how their parents treat them. I didn't get what I needed from my parents. (not blaming them I know they meant well and did the best they could.)
Because I didn't want to make JDK angry at me I put off addressing the child support issue for an entire year. And every time I would bring it up I would be so distraught because I was starting trouble. Over and over again I would fight with myself internally wanting to get what was fair and due us (me and Bean) but being so loathsome at the idea of having him mad at me that I would keep quiet. Especially after Kevin turned on me and I was dealing with all that pain and suffering.
We finally have it behind us now and I feel so relieved. Letting it sit in front of me and cause me fear just heaped another unresolved issue on my overflowing plate of shame and guilt and fear. And when we finally did resolve it I lost a lot of money because I had been paralyzed by my need to keep everyone else happy at my own emotional and, this time, financial well being. I now kick myself for keeping myself in limbo for so long. I didn't have to do that. It was bad for me and it was bad for my relationship with JDK.
I am desperately trying to learn what I need and that I can ask for it and that it won't makes things worse, it will make things better.
It sounds so simple as I type it out here but this is a huge problem for me. I make my needs small, suffer internally because I do it, but fear an even bigger suffering should I speak up and take care of myself. I fear revenge or worse yet, I fear rejection and those are both painful too. It is a cycle that I have perpetuated my whole life and I will never be whole until I can break it.
Yesterday I finally told Kevin that I wanted him to put ALL his stuff in the basement and stay away from me and Beanie until he moves out. I told him that I wasn't doing it to be mean but because I need some boundaries so that I can heal and mourn the loss of our relationship. Having him here all this time, smack dab in the middle of the living room, has been pure torture for me. I have been trying to give up hope that things will get better so I can let it all go but at the same time I see him and I remember how much I loved him and how when it was good it was damn good and then I can't let go of the hope and I am just stuck in a pain filled cycled of rejection over and over again.
It sucks that I have to actually ask him to completely reject me (get physically away from me) so I can have some mental space so I don't feel abused by him. I know I have said it a thousand times, but when you are done with a person, fucking leave them alone! It is just cruel not to. You aren't doing them a favor by being nice, hugging them or kissing them....no...you are just confusing them and making them wonder if you changed your mind "maybe there is hope!?!?!"
I was too cowardly to tell him in person so I texted him. I expected a nasty response but instead he said he would move his stuff this weekend when he could get a person to come help and he would stay away from me from now on. I, being the chump I am, thanked him and apologized repeatedly for asking.
But you know what? Last night I picked Beanie up and we came home and had a VERY nice relaxing evening. We put my books on the shelf; something I didn't do when we moved in because I worried Kevin would judge me harshly by the number of self help books I have. We sketched and planned her school project. It was SOOO nice.
And when he finally came home around 9 pm he walked in the door and was pleasant to me! OMG such a relief.
Monday, April 18, 2016
I Keep Missing The Bus!
When I was a kid my father was cruel to me, both emotionally and physically. He justified it by telling us the world was a cruel place and we should get used to the idea. He mistakenly thought he was making us strong and resilient and those tools would be required in life.
He was so very wrong. What he taught us was to except people that we love to abuse us. What he taught us was that we didn't deserve respect. What he engrained in me was a feeling that I am not worth anything, that I am not loved by others and worst of all I never learned the most valuable thing you should learn when growing up....how to love yourself.
Now at 50 years old it is extremely hard to get past all the self shame and loathing that I have been given in life. I truly don't know how to stop the internal pain that I generate when the people I love hurt me. Intellectually I know that they do this to me because they are week, ignorant or at best misguided, yet emotionally I can't separate myself from the rejection. I SUCK is all I can feel.
Kevin has been living in the basement since last October. He wants nothing to do with me in a true intimate way. He does however park his happy ass on the couch in the middle of the living room most of the time he is awake. He told me yesterday it is because the couch is comfortable. I told him we could move it downstairs and he said that he liked to be with us (me and Bean) so then I said "then why do you want to move out?". The kid told me later that I make a good point.
Having him hear but disengaged is a total mind fuck. It is very hard on me. He is basically forcing me to throw him out. In my logical mind I understand that he doesn't love me, that he is a broken, selfish human being with many traits I find unappealing. He constantly complains that he is tired, hates his job and has physical pains (he has a torn rotator cuff & a bad back). He refuses to seek medical help for his ailments because hey, doctors are no fun and it might be scary or hurt. He no longer bikes or runs instead he just gets up on a beautiful spring morning and declares his desire to do NOTHING all day long; that is his greatest goal in life to "relax". So there he sits. In the middle of my house. Reading his tablet or watching Survivor. ALL FUCKING DAY LONG.
How this man who is basically a lazy, negative piece of shit put on the front for a year and a half (before we bought the house) that he was such a nice, loving, giving and fun guy is beyond belief. Why he bothered is mind boggling. How he created this mess and I fell for it has me just stunned and doubting every single thing I think or do. I have no faith in my own ability to make a good choice or even know how to think.
I am currently working with a bank to refinance the house so I can pay him off and kick him out. Obviously if he doesn't want to be in a real relationship with me he needs to move along. It is so unfair that I have to be the person to MAKE him get out of my life. I will NEVER understand why people that no longer love or care for their partner don't do the decent thing and leave them and quit inflicting pain on them. Nothing hurts worse that loving a person who doesn't value you in return but chooses to stick around so they can extract all the goodness out of the situation.
Yet I still wake up each day and long for my old Kevin to come back and for us to find what we had again. I miss it so much. It was good. It was really good. I thought he was happy. Why the fuck did he just toss it all in the toilet? Sadly the only answer I have is that he thought it was what he wanted but then changed his mind. He wants to go back to plan A; the plan is to buy a condo, live alone and have the "easy" life. Too bad he had to fuck me over to figure out that what he wants is basically what he had before I entered the picture.
I have been taking Zyrtec for my allergies and it helps me sleep. I have been sleeping better than I did last summer which is good. Really if there is one piece of advise I would go back and give myself last summer (besides kick him out and change the locks) it is get some sleeping pills or something because lack of sleep is the devil itself.
December 2015 I started a job at a factory as a cost accountant. The company is great, the pay and benefits rocked but sadly my boss was a control freak with even more issues than I have. I knew it was smart to get away from her so I found another job that I started in early March. My friend Ted has a coach / limo business and I am doing accounting for him. There is no insurance and they are struggling financially so it is not ideal. Also my office is above the garage/shop so it is hot and noisy. The good thing is he lets me leave early on the days I have Beanie and he is a kind and caring soul who respects me and appreciates what I do for the company.
The day I started my new job at the Limo place Ted told me they were having a federal payroll audit. Also, the books were a nightmare (local cheap accounting firm had been doing them) and I have still to get things into any meaningful order. I walked into a bees nest and it will take me some time to get it under control. I have been working a lot of hours. It is not ideal but at least I don't feel abused.
And....then there is JDK......oh where to start?
We finally got some resolution to the child support issue. We did mediation which was probably a good idea. I of course wasn't fully prepared so I didn't get all that I could have but he has agreed to pay me $200 per month retroactive to Jan 1. As of right now, he owes me $800 for January through April. I haven't even asked for the check. I am letting him "do the right thing" and give it to me. If he doesn't pay me $1000 by May 1 I will tell him we need to do a garnishment. We had a big fight about garnishment. He didn't want it of course.
Over the past six month JDK and I have been "together" many times. I think the first time was just so I knew he WOULD cheat on her. The second time we spent the day cycling and drinking beer and it was so much fun. It was a reminder of how good life can be. Since then we have met to talk...met to fight and probably just met to satisfy each others needs. I do like making love to him because it feels like home. But then again my logical mind has to remind me that I am just a side piece and that he is not doing all this out of love and respect for either me or his girlfriend. I get it....I am just being used....still.
(Is it wrong that I just keep wishing she would catch him betraying her.....that is what he deserves.)
I KNOW I need to get away from these people that don't treat me well and find new friends and lovers who are of a higher caliber....but really.....it's not that simple. Really it is a clusterfuck and I am living it. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
I know you won't find it hard to believe but I wish a bus would just run me over and put an end to all the nonsense.
He was so very wrong. What he taught us was to except people that we love to abuse us. What he taught us was that we didn't deserve respect. What he engrained in me was a feeling that I am not worth anything, that I am not loved by others and worst of all I never learned the most valuable thing you should learn when growing up....how to love yourself.
Now at 50 years old it is extremely hard to get past all the self shame and loathing that I have been given in life. I truly don't know how to stop the internal pain that I generate when the people I love hurt me. Intellectually I know that they do this to me because they are week, ignorant or at best misguided, yet emotionally I can't separate myself from the rejection. I SUCK is all I can feel.
Kevin has been living in the basement since last October. He wants nothing to do with me in a true intimate way. He does however park his happy ass on the couch in the middle of the living room most of the time he is awake. He told me yesterday it is because the couch is comfortable. I told him we could move it downstairs and he said that he liked to be with us (me and Bean) so then I said "then why do you want to move out?". The kid told me later that I make a good point.
Having him hear but disengaged is a total mind fuck. It is very hard on me. He is basically forcing me to throw him out. In my logical mind I understand that he doesn't love me, that he is a broken, selfish human being with many traits I find unappealing. He constantly complains that he is tired, hates his job and has physical pains (he has a torn rotator cuff & a bad back). He refuses to seek medical help for his ailments because hey, doctors are no fun and it might be scary or hurt. He no longer bikes or runs instead he just gets up on a beautiful spring morning and declares his desire to do NOTHING all day long; that is his greatest goal in life to "relax". So there he sits. In the middle of my house. Reading his tablet or watching Survivor. ALL FUCKING DAY LONG.
How this man who is basically a lazy, negative piece of shit put on the front for a year and a half (before we bought the house) that he was such a nice, loving, giving and fun guy is beyond belief. Why he bothered is mind boggling. How he created this mess and I fell for it has me just stunned and doubting every single thing I think or do. I have no faith in my own ability to make a good choice or even know how to think.
I am currently working with a bank to refinance the house so I can pay him off and kick him out. Obviously if he doesn't want to be in a real relationship with me he needs to move along. It is so unfair that I have to be the person to MAKE him get out of my life. I will NEVER understand why people that no longer love or care for their partner don't do the decent thing and leave them and quit inflicting pain on them. Nothing hurts worse that loving a person who doesn't value you in return but chooses to stick around so they can extract all the goodness out of the situation.
Yet I still wake up each day and long for my old Kevin to come back and for us to find what we had again. I miss it so much. It was good. It was really good. I thought he was happy. Why the fuck did he just toss it all in the toilet? Sadly the only answer I have is that he thought it was what he wanted but then changed his mind. He wants to go back to plan A; the plan is to buy a condo, live alone and have the "easy" life. Too bad he had to fuck me over to figure out that what he wants is basically what he had before I entered the picture.
I have been taking Zyrtec for my allergies and it helps me sleep. I have been sleeping better than I did last summer which is good. Really if there is one piece of advise I would go back and give myself last summer (besides kick him out and change the locks) it is get some sleeping pills or something because lack of sleep is the devil itself.
December 2015 I started a job at a factory as a cost accountant. The company is great, the pay and benefits rocked but sadly my boss was a control freak with even more issues than I have. I knew it was smart to get away from her so I found another job that I started in early March. My friend Ted has a coach / limo business and I am doing accounting for him. There is no insurance and they are struggling financially so it is not ideal. Also my office is above the garage/shop so it is hot and noisy. The good thing is he lets me leave early on the days I have Beanie and he is a kind and caring soul who respects me and appreciates what I do for the company.
The day I started my new job at the Limo place Ted told me they were having a federal payroll audit. Also, the books were a nightmare (local cheap accounting firm had been doing them) and I have still to get things into any meaningful order. I walked into a bees nest and it will take me some time to get it under control. I have been working a lot of hours. It is not ideal but at least I don't feel abused.
And....then there is JDK......oh where to start?
We finally got some resolution to the child support issue. We did mediation which was probably a good idea. I of course wasn't fully prepared so I didn't get all that I could have but he has agreed to pay me $200 per month retroactive to Jan 1. As of right now, he owes me $800 for January through April. I haven't even asked for the check. I am letting him "do the right thing" and give it to me. If he doesn't pay me $1000 by May 1 I will tell him we need to do a garnishment. We had a big fight about garnishment. He didn't want it of course.
Over the past six month JDK and I have been "together" many times. I think the first time was just so I knew he WOULD cheat on her. The second time we spent the day cycling and drinking beer and it was so much fun. It was a reminder of how good life can be. Since then we have met to talk...met to fight and probably just met to satisfy each others needs. I do like making love to him because it feels like home. But then again my logical mind has to remind me that I am just a side piece and that he is not doing all this out of love and respect for either me or his girlfriend. I get it....I am just being used....still.
(Is it wrong that I just keep wishing she would catch him betraying her.....that is what he deserves.)
I KNOW I need to get away from these people that don't treat me well and find new friends and lovers who are of a higher caliber....but really.....it's not that simple. Really it is a clusterfuck and I am living it. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
I know you won't find it hard to believe but I wish a bus would just run me over and put an end to all the nonsense.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Whew
I figured out how to get back in!!
It came to me in a flash as I was laying in bed this morning. Last December I was trying to get into my old family blog so I had messed with some Google accounts. Long story and I don't have time to explain.
So, I am back in but I need get the dog to the vet so I need to sign off.
I still think I might move to WordPress.
more soon, I promise.
It came to me in a flash as I was laying in bed this morning. Last December I was trying to get into my old family blog so I had messed with some Google accounts. Long story and I don't have time to explain.
So, I am back in but I need get the dog to the vet so I need to sign off.
I still think I might move to WordPress.
more soon, I promise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)