Will you be my friend?

I grew up in a suburb of St. Louis and went to one of the best public school districts. When I was in junior high and high school, it was totally un-cool to be friendly and outgoing. It was, classy, desirable and necessary to act aloof, confident and unapproachable. In other words, it was cool to act stuck up. I didn’t do a great job of this, but, I didn’t act all friendly either because that would be totally lame. I pretty much kept to myself because I found that social interaction in high school was just plain scary.

Both my parents were engineers before they retired. Neither of them was loaded with social grace and certainly never taught me any meaningful people skills. Well, I take that back, I am pretty good at work meetings in a room full of men. I am good at factual, quantitative interactions, but lacking in the skills that make people like you…..the nicey-nice stuff…….the girly stuff.

Which brings me to my point; I have spent my whole life struggling to make friends and get along with other people, especially women. Not because I am impossible to get along with, not because I am a grumpy mean person, not because I hate people, but just because I am not fluent in friendly and at ease with idle chit chat.

I have always wanted to be one of those people that everyone likes. I have always wanted to be a person that people say “oh, she is so nice”. Yet, try as I will, I don’t have the knack to make people like me. In fact, I have a number of people that don’t like me and, for the life of me, I have no idea why. These are people that I have never done anything to that I can recall. These are people that I have nothing against. These are people I have mostly met casually around town due to common interests like cycling or running and I have not even spent much time with them. It totally baffles me…….and I guess, for the most part……I still find social interaction scary.

Some days I think I should work on this issue. I recently downloaded a book on tape about how to make a person like you in 90 seconds or less. It is talking about the first time you meet someone. I understand all that it “preaches” and I know why, but if you are at all shy or insecure, it is pretty hard to meet someone and great them with confidence, poise and grace and come across as being so very warm and caring and wanting to know them, etc. etc. Not that I don’t feel that way, it is just not easy to project if you are not programmed to do so.

Other days I think, why work on this at this point in my life. I am at least ½ way through my life now and I don’t suppose I will really change much. After all, at my age, I am set in my ways.

Or why bother because I should just expect people to love me for who I am or get over it. I mean if they don’t like me in my natural state, why should I work hard to be someone I am not so they will like me? Or, why should I even care if these people like me or not. They really aren’t important to me.

So after one week, how am I doing?

Well, not drinking has been easy and I have barely even thought about it. When I went home Friday, my husband offered me a beer and I said no. He didn’t pay much attention ‘cause he had already had a few beers himself. Actually, I don’t miss it a bit.

I have not really told too many people about my plans…………mainly because I don’t want people to fuss or go out of their way about it. I just want to exercise my self control in a “normal” situation. Also, in case I fail or give up, I don’t have to answer to anyone……..well, except a higher power…….if you know what I mean.

Now, the sweets part is a different story. I have really, REALLY been struggling with this one. Sugar free mints have saved me more than once. I did break down yesterday and head to the vending machine and buy a package of Oreos. I then ate them all and they were yummy. 270 calories later, I felt guilty and week and swore to get back on that horse and keep riding.

So this morning, a guy at work brought in some cinnamon breakfast cake stuff from Gerbes. This stuff is good; moist and sweet. I hope they eat it soon because it is talking to me from the cafeteria. I keep thinking about it……wanting it. OMG - I am sooo pathetic.

Over the weekend, I had a few headaches, which is unusual for me. I rarely get a head ache. I am not sure if you can have sugar withdrawal, like caffeine withdrawal, but maybe that is what it was.

I do confess I have snacked more on salty, fatty, things since I gave up sweets. I know this is bad and I am struggling to get that under control as well.

Also, the weather has got to improve any day now and I will get outside and run. That will be good for my mood which will then be good for everything else.

Does anyone give up something for Lent anymore?

Back when Friss was in elementary school, we switched him from public school to Catholic school. At the time, it was a lot of work and money, but I felt it was the right thing for him. It was what he needed. I was right too. He did much better in an environment that was stricter with higher expectations (and I think most all kids would). In the process, I became active in the church and I went to mass most every week. I loved our Priest, Father Brinkman, he was always an inspiration.

One thing that was always a big deal was Lent, the time between Ash Wednesday and Easter. The 40 days and 40 nights that symbolize when Jesus went to the desert and was tempted by Satin. Traditionally people give up meat on Friday. I always thought this was rather silly and pointless. Especially for me who could care less if I eat meat or not. (I have cottage cheese for lunch almost every day) So, at the peak of my spiritualness and devotion to church goodness, I decided to really give up something that was hard, something that would be a struggle and would force me to fight my “demons” of desire.

One year, I gave up chocolate and at that time I was in the habit of eating a Hershey bar everyday as my 3 pm. snack. It was hard and I was proud that I stuck to it. The other big Lenten sacrifice that I remember was when I gave up Chinese food. I was pregnant with Ramone and craving Hunan Shrimp like it was my last meal. I was eating this stuff at least once a week if not more. My co-workers would do a Chinese delivery order and it was so easy to put my wish on the list. Any woman who has been pregnant knows that giving up your craving is a VERY BIG challenge. But I did it and I was strong.

In the years that followed, I moved away from that parish and divorced my husband and never go to church any more. But this year, feeling the need to be stronger and in control of my life, I am once again, going to take the Lent challenge and give up something hard.

My first thought was alcohol. I still think I drink too much and think I need to get out of the habit, so this is a good occasion to take a break and interrupt, change the habit. So, for Lent, I am giving up all booze.

Then, as if that was not enough, I am also appalled at my need for junk food these days. I eat candy and sweet EVERY day. This is just an unhealthy waste of calories. I used to be disciplined and healthy and rarely ate total crap food, but lately I just indulge every craving and desire and often skip real meals so I can eat another cookie or box of Nerds. Well, it is time to stop this madness as well!!

So, in the ultimate gesture of sacrifice, I am giving up junk food AND alcohol for Lent this year!!

Public Defenders are Useless

Every time I hear of an article about someone being sentenced for killing another person....by accident, I perk up and pay attention. I have found that there is a great deal of inequity involved with how these cases are handled and it makes me very sad.

First example, I recall an incident where a full grown man, a father to a kid playing hockey on a little league team, had an altercation with another hockey dad and in the process, beat him to death. Yes, he killed a full grown man with his bare hands. I remember this man was sentenced to only 5 years in jail. Compared to my son, who killed a one year old, which would take a lot less destructive energy and he got sentenced to 20 years. I would think that the man who mustered the effort to actually kill an adult is a more heinous and abusive person. I guess you could argue that a small child cannot defend itself. But you can also understand, if you’ve ever had a child, the frustration a crying baby can cause a parent who is already stressed out or upset by something else. It is, at times a huge struggle to keep your calm when a small child or infant is crying and carrying on for no reason. Compare that to getting so angry with a father in the stands at a hockey rink that you must attach him and continue beating him until dead which I find a lot more shocking and hard to understand. Another thing to consider.........is he a risk to the population in general? I mean is he dangerous? Will he kill again if left free in society? I think the hockey dad is more likely to kill again if either would. I don’t think putting my son away for 20 years is keeping the world safe from a killer!

Now I am reading where a 20 year old boy accidently killed his mother. He was angry with her and meant to hurt her, by his own admission, but not to kill her. He was charged with murder, but later pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter and was sentenced to 15 years. How did he get these charges reduced? Did he (or someone) pay a small fortune to an attorney? I still can’t believe that my son’s attorney did not get the charges dropped to voluntary manslaughter. I am pretty sure my son was convicted of 1st degree murder which is totally ridiculous. Seriously, he did not mean to kill the child and we all know that. No one plans to beat their own child to death. No one kills the one they love the most on purpose. For *uck sake this makes me so mad. The court appointed attorney was worthless, but my son did not have any money to hire a lawyer. He was 18 years old and working at Sonic. The attorney didn’t do shit for him and it upsets me so. My son did not deserve this. He is a good person with a good soul that made a mistake and no one will ever regret it more than he does.

Need to catch up

Isn't this photo wonderful......inspiring!?!?!

Work has been very busy and stressful and I have not had a spare moment to blog. And, on top of that, I have been suffering from a really bad sinus infection that rendered me almost dysfunctional.

I started to feel puny last Saturday and by Sunday I knew I had a cold. Monday I was still hoping it was just a simple head cold that would soon pass, but Tuesday I awoke feeling even worse. I know what a sinus infection feels like because I used to get them all the time until, in the fall of 2002; I finally had surgery to get my nasal passages made larger. The surgery worked well and I have rarely suffered from sinus problems since. But, by Tuesday afternoon I suspected the worst and vowed to visit the doctor on Wednesday if I was not feeling dramatically better when I woke up. Wednesday morning, after barely sleeping all night because of pressure in my head, I knew I had to get some antibiotics and fast.

I hated to get out of bed, but had no choice. My husband made some less than sensitive comments and I stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind me. When a sinus infections hits, it hits me hard and my whole system just shuts down. I ache all over and feel very “beaten” emotionally. I still had to get my ass up and come to work, too much going on for me to call in sick.

I did however, first thing Wednesday morning, find a doctor to see me and get my much needed meds. Now, over 24 hours later, I am back among the living and can finally think straight again. It was a bad few days filled with cloudy thoughts, pain and wanting to collapse and crumble. I didn’t sleep well which made functioning all day long even hard. Don’t you just hate trying to sleep when you can't breathe through your nose?

Most upsetting to me was the fact that NO ONE would let me be sick. No one would say “hope you feel better soon”. No one said, “rest and let me do this, you are sick”. Everyone just kept bothering me and expecting me to wait on them like I normally do. I know I should have just told them all to piss off and went to bed, but I guess I am not good at that.

Last night, I was trying to humor my teen aged daughter by taking her to the store to purchase a printer cartridge for the printer at her Dad’s house. I was so sick and tired that all I wanted to do was go straight home after work and die, but instead, I picked her up and went to the Staples store and spent $15 of my own money so she could print. When I dropped her back at her Dad’s she jumped out of the car and muttered stuff at me about not doing more for her!!! Why do teenagers have to be so selfish and ungrateful?

Then I get home and my husband, who is currently unemployed had not lifted a finger to unload the dishwasher or wash out his paint brush still sitting in the utility sink for days. I couldn’t tell what he had actually done all day and when I asked he gave me a vague answer. Nothing new for him, but it sure gets old.

I am not really happy about being somewhat tricked into being the only person going to work day to day. He still pays his share of the expenses (from his savings), but he has been scrimping at the grocery store lately. I feel stressed knowing we only have one income.

Actually none of this was what I meant to blog about. I guess I just like to bitch……I need to stop that. It is probably not good reading for anyone who may check into my blog from time to time.

Which, brings me to the thing I wanted to say; I realize that for the most part, when I am feeling pissy I type up a bitchy blog and post it and that is not what I really wanted to do with this blog…….that is not the intended purpose. The idea was to be more reflective, to be more therapeutic, to think things through not just complain.

So, I will do my best to be less of a whiner from now on!!!