HE DRIVES ME NUTS

I know it will come as no surprise but the STBX husband is making me nuts.

Monday – “I want to be friends….I want something positive to come out of this pile of shit marriage we created.” He was actually being communicative and “normal” for a change.

Tuesday – “we want the same things we could still turn it round. Let’s give it another chance.”

Wednesday – sulking, hand ringing, won’t talk, no eye contact, super bad vibe.

Thursday - mean, prickly, pushy, jerky, asshole.

Friday – sad, needy, clingy, begging, clingy.

I get that this is hard and I can’t really be critical that he is moody…..I mean divorce sucks and he has every right to be moody. But OMG it wears me out. Although he has always been unpredictable one thing was for sure I could count on him to be distant emotionally. Now he is just all over the map. I actually liked him on Mon/Tues and thought we were relating to each other on a more “real” level than is normal. Then he was back to his old self by Wed. This morning we talked about it which wasn’t fun but it was good for him. He was acting emotional…..and it felt like an act to me. He says he has always been taught to keep his feeling to himself so as not to burden others. I told him that real relationships are not about hiding ones feelings. I think he is FINALLY starting to understand that. GEEZ!!

Then he drops the bomb on me that he expects me to watch our daughter basically all weekend because he has all these plans. Plans he never told me about until this morning when he assumed I would be ready to take her at noon on Saturday. He did tell me he had plans for Saturday and Sunday evening and I was prepared to cover that as well as all day Sunday but I have plans for Saturday afternoon. Chaps my ass that he assumes I will watch her 90% of the time…….yet he wants her 50% of the time in the divorce papers. GRRR

So at first I told him I wouldn’t be able to watch her because I was already on “duty” the balance of the weekend. Then I decided what the hell. I am just going furniture shopping and I can take the girl with me….BUT…KP is going along and I have been actively separating the two for a number of reasons.

I finally told Husband “fine I will just take her with us”. He was obviously not thrilled about that but agreed that it would work for him. So it looks like Saturday afternoon will be me, KP and my Bean riding in the big truck to the discount furniture store in a nearby town to shop for a real couch for our new house.

Only 2 more weeks and I am moving out. I can not wait!

PS - still really pissed off the Husband has been an anti-social asshole our whole marriage and now he is a god damn social butterfly.  Running with a group, going to movies with friends, etc.  I suppose he is just out shopping for pussy and I once he finds some he will revert back to his reclusive self.

Broken?

One of my blog friends recently posted This POST.

As I read it I thought "wow I could have written this almost word for word!"  and I also thought "I guess I am not the only one"  and then I thought "too bad that there seems no way to fix this".

I have felt this way very often (mostly) over the last 12 years.  I have never had any luck changing it.  I have tried just about everything known to mankind.  I don't have any answers.

Maybe some of us are just broken and that is who we are and we have to just live like that???

I am trying to just be more accepting (of everything and everyone) and make the best of it.  I am tired of trying to get better or change, or recover or be normal.  I will just be me and if anyone feels they can stand me then they are cool in my book.

He is Cracking

I received this email from my STBX today:

"I have always been lonely –since I was a little boy. The two ways of dealing with that are 1) need people less 2) bring people into your life. Needing people less is easy for me. Bringing people into my life is hard. The way we started our relationship made it that much harder to let you in. I know I have missed out on so much in life because I haven’t let people in. I don’t want to continue to live that way. I don’t want to be like my father. I want to be happy."

In the last two weeks I think he has finally reached some real "awakening" about what happened to our marriage and how he played a role in that. I feel good that this may actually end up making him a better person and a happier person.

I responded to the above email with this:
" This is the BEST thing I have ever heard you say!! Its HUGE!"

We went on to discuss how he wants me to be his REAL friend and help him in life. I told him that I would be happy to be his friend...that I have always wanted that. I reminded him that this does not mean I still want to be his wife.....too many trust and respect issues. But he seems to have accepted that the marriage is over which is good. He has now moved on to focusing on making his (our) future the best he can.

I have to say I am relieved that he is being such a big person and things are actually going smoothly at this point. I am still prepping to move out and although he is not HAPPY to see me go he has accepted it and is not being a jerk. I feel lucky.

Chump Lady is so Dang Helpful!

For the last few months I have been reading this blog.....Chump Lady.  << check it out it is soo good!

Yes I know it seems a bit counter intuitive for ME to be reading a blog on dumping cheaters, but here is the thing; it is really about having the self esteem to stand up for yourself and not let manipulative, selfish, fucked up people take advantage of your good nature.

When I feel like my husband is sucking me into his vortex of doom and using me (like he always does) now I read a little chump lady and get my feet back under me.  This blog is awesome and it is so dang true.....at what point do you say enough is enough and quit letting someone you love walk all over you?  When will you find your own worth and stand up for what you want?

This morning STBX husband and I had yet another discussion about how NOW he loves me and would do anything to save our marriage.  I keep thinking about the last 8 years and know that this is not a person I want to invest my time or energy in. He has a million excuses for how he has behaved.  I don't give a fuck what he says.....he treated me like shit and I will NEVER let him do that again.

Chump Lady keeps me strong.

I wish my therapist had been more like her!

I should have.......

how do I stop myself from looking back and thinking "I should have......"?

The more my husband is honest with me and the more we talk about how we ended up like this the angrier I become.  I was just sitting here thinking how I should have never married him...how I should have kicked him out of the hospital the day after Beanie was born when we were fighting over her name.  I should have named her what I wanted and told him to FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!

If I had....then all my children and I would have the same last name.  Then my youngest would have the name I wanted and not the name he insisted on.  Then I would not have wasted 8 years of my life on the sorry son of a bitch.

In the last week he has truly decided that I am leaving and he really doesn't want me to.  He keeps saying that our relationship started poorly and he never got past that but now the divorce has shook him to his core and he sees the error of his ways.  He spent all of our marriage being mad and me and resenting being with me and NOW he wants to take it all back and make it all right if I will only give him another chance.  (don't worry I won't)

Here is the thing......when your husband admits that he didn't want to even live with you much less marry you it really sucks.  He told me that he would not have let me move in (when I was pregnant) except he was worried about the babies health because I was so sad and my friend basically cornered him and told him he needed to step up.

Then, he was not planning on staying around after her birth but he felt it was his duty.  He says he did it all out of obligation to her and that he felt totally trapped.  He says he never forgave me for derailing his life and he has spent the last 7+ years angry at me.

This weekend he is going to a dinner party.  Do you know he never took me out to anything like that.  Do you know why....because he was embarrassed to be with me.  Because he was in denial that I was his wife and the mother of his child.  He didn't fall out of love with me...he NEVER loved me. 

BUT, now that his little family is about to be destroyed by me leaving he has had an epiphany that he does indeed love me but he wouldn't let it happen due to all the old pent up anger (which he can now set down).

GRRRR

Ski/Boarding trip

We just spent a long weekend skiing in Colorado (well I snowboard actually).  We had a GREAT time. 

only picture of us together....not so good, but it's all I have.

HAPPY

Valentine's Day (a little early)

Today at work I received this!!

48 roses - one for each year he missed and one for this year.

I cried - hard!!

KP makes my heart feel like it will explode!