Email Discussion with Husband

Me: Why do you not like honesty? (yes….i guess I was being provocative)

Husband: I love honesty. Its a trait I much admire. Why do you like to accuse people of ridiculous faults?

Me: I was just thinking how honesty is such a big issue with us. I suppose we have different definitions of honesty or ideas about what it means.

Husband: I don't lie to you and I am not dishonest with you. I don't cheat on you. I don't try and undermine you in any way.
If you are suggesting that I "hate honesty" because I don't tell you all my feelings........then let me be honest with you.... it pisses me off that you would make the leap from "hate honesty" to "doesn't want to talk about feelings".

Me: I was thinking about how when we went to see Betty (therapist) you didn’t want to discuss what was on my mind because you found it negative.
Which in turn leads me to believe that I should keep my feeling / thoughts to myself because you would rather not know what is really on my mind.
I don’t think you hate honesty……..but I think you prefer to live in a world that keeps out truths you don’t like or don’t want to deal with.
I guess that is what I mean.

Me: I try very hard to understand you………accommodate you and find a way we can both be happy without upsetting you.
I try hard to be a good wife.
Yet I always feel like we are in two separate worlds…….and I just don’t know what to do about it.
Me: In the final analysis, I wish we could talk more and be more open with each other. I wish we communicated better. I wish we would hammer things out until they are solved instead of just pushing things aside and pretending that nothing is wrong.

Me: I wish that if you were disappointed by Saturday night, you would discuss it with me Saturday night or Sunday morning so I understand how you feel or what is on your mind.
When you don’t share, I don’t know and then I can’t respond properly.

Me: (in a flash of clarity) Here’s a thought….Maybe another thing is that you seem to expect hurt feelings and negative moods. BUT, in my mind, in a healthy relationship I would expect those things to be rare. So to me, when things are hurt or moody, it upsets me greatly. I don’t think it is normal or right. I feel that it is a sign of serious problems.

Husband: I will try to better communicate. I am sorry. I will work on it but its not my nature.

** so this last comment of his was designed to appease me and shut me up, make me happy and get me off his case.

Reflecting on my Weekend

Sunday was a really long day. My husband seemed fine at first and then rather abruptly got quiet and distant and refused to interact with me. I tried to ask him what was up but more than once I got the silent treatment.

I suggested he go to the gym…..that usually helps if he is in a funk. He said he would but never did. Hours passed and he played with our daughter, diddled around the house and ignored my presence.

Finally he decided to go to the park. He offered to take Beanie, but she was too busy playing with her Barbie’s so he went alone. I breathed a sigh of relief once he cleared the area. His presence has a way of making me feel on edge. He does not emit peace and acceptance.

Now it was noonish and the sun was out and it was unseasonably warm for December but I was stuck at home watching the girl, AGAIN. I drank a glass of wine and did my best to find a little something to keep me busy.

At nap time I laid down with Bean so she would go to sleep and I dozed off too. Mostly because of the wine. I woke up an hour later and snuck out of her room. Now, what was I to do next?

Husband showed up around 3 and sat with me for a minute. I thought I might put on Dexter (we have been watching the series) so we could watch TV together but he got up and left and went outside. So, I watched it alone.

Soon he came in and told me I should go do something. Well, it was 3:30 on Sunday afternoon and I had already had a few glasses of wine. What could I do? No doubt all my friends were already busy and I was a bit too buzzed to be dragging out my bicycle, not to mention the rack is off the car for winter.

So, I sat there, disappointed, rejected, and lonely. Husband did whatever he wanted and steered clear of me. Not because I wanted him to but because he wanted to.
It made me angry. He really prefers to be alone. He doesn’t like people and if he is not in the mood for you then you are just S.O.L.

I texted a few friends and came up with nothing. Nothing to do and a whole day wasted. At 4 p.m. I woke my daughter up. Husband dashed in and took her to the playground before it got dark. I thought about running some errands and decided that I didn’t want to deal with Christmas crowds.

I need more human contact than my husband does. He is just a total loner with no friends. That makes it easy for him to find something to do and feel satisfied. But, I want to be social so generally I need to make plans ahead of time. But should I make plans it would mean that should husband be in a good mood and actually want to hang out with me, I might have to say no to him or break off plans with a friend. Not a choice I want to make. Then again, sitting home all day alone sucks a big one. So…….i guess I will start making plans for my weekends so I don’t get stuck home again.

I sure wish my husband liked to hang out with me.

Failure is Always the Option

Most mornings as I lay in bed in the dark waiting for the alarm to notify me that it is indeed time to get up and I think….a lot. I make promises to myself. Mostly I promise to be a better person starting today. I promise to drink less booze, eat less crap, lose that nasty extra 5 (or more) pounds, to be a kinder more loving wife, to be a more diligent employee. I vow to show my kids more love and make more time for my friends. I plot to accomplish those things I keep meaning to do like painting my little Dutch girl statue, like drawing some sketches in my new sketch pad, like actually reading all the books I buy and really want to read. Then there is also the dentist; I vow that I will find a new dentist and get my teeth in order. I have been saying that for years now. I really need to do it; I know it would make me feel better.

Most mornings I run through my head who I want to be and what I should be doing. I vow and swear to do better starting TODAY. I don’t need to wait for new years. I am starting now!

So I get up out of bed and head out into the day with strength and conviction.

And to my constant disappointment, the conviction does not even last 24 hours. Life hits me hard as soon as I climb out of bed and then I start to justify in my head all the crap I do that in the long run I know is bad for me but in the short run, well, I just want to do them evidently.

Sometimes I make it for two days in a row before I revert and I feel so victorious. I feel like I am back on my A game, that I am whole again, that I am strong and capable and in charge; that I have turned a corner. I am finally becoming that person I was meant to be! Or at least more like the person I used to be and liked.

Then, as sure as the sun will rise, something happens, something bad or something hard or sad and I cave. I just give up. I eat that cake and while I am at it I eat a BIG piece. I drink some wine and buy it by the box. (Yea the box is so much cheaper and creates less trash / waste. I like the box.) But then, I have a box of wine in my fridge. I have wine on tap. Really I don’t need wine on tap.

My husband will say something that sounds so mean or rude. I react, internally, with a big “fuck you too” and then I set about ignoring him. He can’t hurt me if I don’t let him. Right? If I just ignore him he can’t hurt me he can’t poke hot words at me and sear my soul. If I ignore him I can’t be the recipient of his notorious “fuck you” vibe. If I construct a wall between us, he can’t hurt me. But after some time I wear down and I let him get to me and then I drink too much, or sleep too much, or skip my workouts, or do other things to spoil my poor self. Usually things that aren’t good for me, occasionally things I am ashamed of.

I wish I could have more “in control” days where I was the good person I want to be. I wish I wasn’t so weak.

I often wonder if I will ever get back on track or if I am stuck in this rut forever.

I think I will just blame it all on the box of wine.