I'm struggling to keep my mood in check. I am depressed.
so i will make a list.
1) Ramone thinks she is going to get evicted and I am at a loss as to how to handle it. I do not want her to come live with me nor do I want to bail her our financially.
2) stepping back and taking a harder look at what JDK is doing has led me to the simple conclusion that he is merely saying things to me that he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me a good chump. He smoozes people so they will give him what he wants. He knows it is in his best interest to have me not working against him.
3) Kevin is so distant. It sucks. I miss him. I plan to address this once he closes on the sale of his old house which I know has been very stressful for him.
4) I am disappointed in myself for not doing a better job of being positive and taking good care of myself. I have NOT been eating, drinking or sleeping like I should. I am still exercising, but not at the level I know would be good for me.
5) I should probably get a job and I really just don't feel up to it. I don't think I can add that stressor to the mix.
6) I have projects all over the place that I am struggling to feel "up" enough to work on them. All I want to do is sit in the dark alone, drink wine, and read.
7) Beanie is off school right now and I am doing my best to entertain her and enjoy our time together. So far it has gone fairly well. Yesterday we went to LEGOLAND which was fun, but after two hours there I started to feel panicky like I had to leave or I would blow up. I wish I was more relaxed and easy going!
8) I am tired of being hot at night and kicking the covers off all the time. Menopause sucks.
9) All interactions with people are hard right now. I just don't want to have to talk to anyone. Blah.
It is 10:15 and I will now force myself to go get dressed and run a few necessary errands on the way to the gym. After that I plan to come home and drink wine and mope.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Depressed
I woke up gasping for air. It was the middle of the night and my sinuses where in ruins thanks to my allergies and when I lay JUST the right way I can actually suffocate myself. I shifted my head, sniffled and snorted, and cleared my airway so I could breathe again. Then I proceeded to flopped around for at least an hour before I could get back to sleep. Not the first time this has happened either. It is always startling to wake because you are suffocating!
Sunday's motorcycle ride was VERY bad for my allergies.
Just the other night I woke up twice in the middle of the night due to hot flashes and twice because I was having a bad dream in which someone was found dead. This is why I can't watch scary movies. My brain latches on to that shit!
When I awake in the middle of the night I generally don't just drop off back to sleep. Instead I lay there and ruminate. You know....my brain.
This morning I was thinking about how Beanie didn't want to go to track night so I didn't push her but was that really the right thing to do. I hope she isn't' giving up on running again. Last time it was over a year before she would try again. She won't ride her bicycle either. I want her to learn that working hard at a goal can produce a satisfying benefit and that overcoming a challenge/fear can be rewarding. I just don't want her to grow up to be a slug.
I was also thinking about how my old employer (the construction company) recently got auditited and I know there are things that passed audit that are NOT right. It's not the scale of Enron but it is the same idea. People are cheating! It makes me wonder if anything has meaning in life? No one ever follows the rules do they?
Remember how I declaired back in January that I was going to get back in shape and be proud of myself this year. Yeah.....well that isn't happening.
Today, at the gym, I was going through the motions because it is what I should do for myself. I was thinking how much I really didn't want to be there; how I may have all this free time because I am not working but I am not enjoying anything. I know it should be no big surprise but I kind of woke up to the fact that I am just so depressed.
Most days I just do my best to accomplish what I need to do and never actually focus on why it is so hard for me right now. Fact is I am depressed and I don't really feel like doing ANYTHING! Well, expect riding the motorcycle or my bicycle and those two things shove all the bad crap in the air straight into my eyes and it takes DAYS of being in air conditioning for me to recover and in the mean time I am completely sick and miserable.
(I did allergy shots for years and the over the coutner medicines don't work for me. I have been dealing with this for 25 years and there is no good way to combat my spring allergies other than to avoid fresh air or do weekly shots which is expensive and time consumening and not an option I want to persue again.)
I told Friss how depressed I am and he suggested I go seek out some meds. I then explained to him why I don't do that. I think I covered all that in THIS POST.
In so many ways I feel that my life is good right now and I have no right to be depressed. I know I could make a long list of all the good in my life. So why the hell aren't I happy?
I want to be happy.
Sunday's motorcycle ride was VERY bad for my allergies.
Just the other night I woke up twice in the middle of the night due to hot flashes and twice because I was having a bad dream in which someone was found dead. This is why I can't watch scary movies. My brain latches on to that shit!
When I awake in the middle of the night I generally don't just drop off back to sleep. Instead I lay there and ruminate. You know....my brain.
This morning I was thinking about how Beanie didn't want to go to track night so I didn't push her but was that really the right thing to do. I hope she isn't' giving up on running again. Last time it was over a year before she would try again. She won't ride her bicycle either. I want her to learn that working hard at a goal can produce a satisfying benefit and that overcoming a challenge/fear can be rewarding. I just don't want her to grow up to be a slug.
I was also thinking about how my old employer (the construction company) recently got auditited and I know there are things that passed audit that are NOT right. It's not the scale of Enron but it is the same idea. People are cheating! It makes me wonder if anything has meaning in life? No one ever follows the rules do they?
Remember how I declaired back in January that I was going to get back in shape and be proud of myself this year. Yeah.....well that isn't happening.
Today, at the gym, I was going through the motions because it is what I should do for myself. I was thinking how much I really didn't want to be there; how I may have all this free time because I am not working but I am not enjoying anything. I know it should be no big surprise but I kind of woke up to the fact that I am just so depressed.
Most days I just do my best to accomplish what I need to do and never actually focus on why it is so hard for me right now. Fact is I am depressed and I don't really feel like doing ANYTHING! Well, expect riding the motorcycle or my bicycle and those two things shove all the bad crap in the air straight into my eyes and it takes DAYS of being in air conditioning for me to recover and in the mean time I am completely sick and miserable.
(I did allergy shots for years and the over the coutner medicines don't work for me. I have been dealing with this for 25 years and there is no good way to combat my spring allergies other than to avoid fresh air or do weekly shots which is expensive and time consumening and not an option I want to persue again.)
I told Friss how depressed I am and he suggested I go seek out some meds. I then explained to him why I don't do that. I think I covered all that in THIS POST.
In so many ways I feel that my life is good right now and I have no right to be depressed. I know I could make a long list of all the good in my life. So why the hell aren't I happy?
I want to be happy.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mothers Day 2015
Today was not a good day for me. I woke up determined to have a nice day, but instead I spent my day fighting back tears and battling depression.
First I went for a run. I am running by myself now that Stina finally had to stop (she is due May 25th). I am pitiful slow, my feet hurt, my lungs hurt and basically.....at this point, running just sucks. Zero fun for me. But I registered for a big race at the end of May so I will keep freakin' running. Hopefully it will get better.
Then I had to retrieve my daughter from JDK who of course didn't get home last night until after 9 so kept her all night even though I was supposed to have her. I am glad he takes her to his visit his parents but it always results in a shitty Sunday morning exchange.
As expected the whole process was frustrating. I'll spare you the details. At this point no matter what he does it aggravates me. If he is nice I just feel manipulated and if he isn't then I have to deal with him being a jerk. This morning I actually got cold indifference like it was just a chore to drive her up to school to meet me. I think he is trying to impress me with how much he doesn't "give-a-fuck" anymore. At least Beanie was happy to see me.
My mother emailed me to wish me a happy mothers day. She told me her gift to me was that she was home cleaning out her file cabinets and burning all the trash so I wouldn't have to deal with it when she passes. I thanked her for that. I had phoned her a few days ago wanting to schedule a visit. She apparently has decided to never drive out here again. I say this because I have moved twice and gotten a divorce and despite my repeated invitations she never comes. Anyway, we didn't figure out a date so I need to keep working on that.
Monster texted me and Ramone called. I know they were both trying to be nice but today I couldn't help but dwell on being a total failure as a parent. Both of them are just a few short years from being kicked off their Dad's insurance. Both of them have been out of high school for years now. Neither of them show any signs of maturity. It's like the idea of having a real job is completely foreign to them. All they want to do is party and work as little as possible for enough money to get by. I really thought by now they would be tired of this lifestyle. I guess I was wrong. I still don't know what we did to teach them this way of life. Their dad and I both have college degrees and respectable day jobs. Meanwhile my peers with kids the same age as mine are posting to Facebook pictures of their child graduating from college.
Kevin's family had a lunch get together at 1 pm as usual. This time his sister hosted. I had never been to her place before. It is a smaller, older home but I absolutely love how she had it decorated. She likes purple! We had just finished lunch and having nice conversation when a storm blew up that threatened to hail on our cars. Everyone rushed home to put their car in their garage. The storm turned out to be not much of anything so we spent the balance of the day at home, bored, and alone.
At one point me and Beanie are watching a TV show about couples. The therapist comes on and says "Communication is the most important part of a marriage!" I couldn't help myself but say how I wished Daddy had been willing to communicate with me. The comment felt necessary because lately he seems to drill her when she is with him about how he still loves mommy and how he wishes I had not left him and how he wishes we were still a happy family. She now makes comments to me on a regular basis about how she wishes we were still a family and how mean I am for leaving him, etc. I have been really struggling with how to respond and at this point, if I had the money, I would certainly get her into therapy. He is working hard to brain wash her and I feel that I have to do SOMETHING in response. Exactly what I haven't figured out yet.
When I made the comment about communication she jumped on it immediately and told me that it wasn't nice for me to talk that way about daddy and he never says anything bad about me. She then got angry and sulked for a few hours.
Meanwhile Kevin went for a bike ride and was gone for what seemed like an eternity. When he got back I told him I was worried and he said he stopped at Doug & Kay's house for a visit. I was a little chapped. Yesterday he left saying he was running up to Hy-Vee for tortilla chips and a coke. He was gone for an hour. Hy-Vee is only one mile from the house. I finally called and he told me he dropped by the old house to check on the place. I was home all alone and really disappointed that he kind of ditched me. When he got home I told him how I felt. He excused his behavior by reminding me that he had asked me if I wanted to go. I had to reiterate that I thought it was a 15 minute trip to the grocery store. If I had known he was going to be gone for over an hour I would have tagged along.
The bright spots in my day; Friss called even though the line to get a phone is impossible on Mothers day. Kevin bought me the lovely plants in the photo above because he is a thoughtful person. Beanie made me some nice cards at school.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Why Can't I Just Get Over It?
Tuesday Kevin took the day off. While I worked in the morning he did some projects around the house and when I got off work around noon we did a fast 6.5 mile run together. He is a much faster runner than I am so I sucked wind to try and keep up. My lungs are still not right after that cold I had last winter. I used my inhaler but still struggled. However, I still think it is good for me to push myself like that.
At 3:30 I picked up my daughter from school as usual. We came home and got her homework done quickly so we could go over to Kevin's and work on the puzzle. I was in a very good mood.
Then I mentioned that we should give her father a calendar that I had laying around. She told me she had a puppy calendar at her Dad's house and they didn't need it. She told me that Roslyn's MOM gave it to her. I told her I didn't know she had gone to Roslyn's family Christmas and she said she didn't because she was with me but her Dad did. So.....he was included in there family Christmas....they must be pretty serious for her to invite him and for him to attend the WHOLE family thing.
I am not proud of how I handled this news. It felt like a punch in the gut. I KNOW I shouldn't give a crap about what he does yet still it hurts. I just can't seem to detach emotionally. I can't seem to reconcile how he is with her and how he was with me. I can't trust that he sucks. Why is he so hot to get into another committed relationship when the whole time we were married he just had to fight being committed? UGH
I then proceeded to stay home and sulk all night. I was upset and didn't feel like doing anything. I read Chump Lady http://www.chumplady.com/2013/06/the-fear-that-theyre-going-to-be-better-for-someone-else/ and drank beer while Beanie watched our new Simpson's DVDs. I ate shitty food and busted my calorie count. I just wilted.
Wednesday morning I was still in a funk and it was about 5 degrees outside so I dropped my daughter off at school, came home and moped the rest of the day. That's right....I spent the whole day wallowing around the house doing nothing but feeling depressed and crappy. I didn't work out. I didn't eat right. I SUCK!
This morning I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the barn to get a few things done. I made it to the gym by 10:30 and did my Body Pump class. I said hi to Sharon, my new friend at the gym. I then ran a quick 5k on the treadmill because of the negative wind chill factors. I felt pretty good on the treadmill and it didn't seem too awful bad. Back home I weighed in at 136 which certainly perked me up.
I need to figure out how to stop this cycle of feeling hurt by him when he is just going about his life at this point and it has nothing to do with me. I hate feeling that I still give him the power to emotionally crush me.
Why can't I just get over it?
At 3:30 I picked up my daughter from school as usual. We came home and got her homework done quickly so we could go over to Kevin's and work on the puzzle. I was in a very good mood.
Then I mentioned that we should give her father a calendar that I had laying around. She told me she had a puppy calendar at her Dad's house and they didn't need it. She told me that Roslyn's MOM gave it to her. I told her I didn't know she had gone to Roslyn's family Christmas and she said she didn't because she was with me but her Dad did. So.....he was included in there family Christmas....they must be pretty serious for her to invite him and for him to attend the WHOLE family thing.
I am not proud of how I handled this news. It felt like a punch in the gut. I KNOW I shouldn't give a crap about what he does yet still it hurts. I just can't seem to detach emotionally. I can't seem to reconcile how he is with her and how he was with me. I can't trust that he sucks. Why is he so hot to get into another committed relationship when the whole time we were married he just had to fight being committed? UGH
I then proceeded to stay home and sulk all night. I was upset and didn't feel like doing anything. I read Chump Lady http://www.chumplady.com/2013/06/the-fear-that-theyre-going-to-be-better-for-someone-else/ and drank beer while Beanie watched our new Simpson's DVDs. I ate shitty food and busted my calorie count. I just wilted.
Wednesday morning I was still in a funk and it was about 5 degrees outside so I dropped my daughter off at school, came home and moped the rest of the day. That's right....I spent the whole day wallowing around the house doing nothing but feeling depressed and crappy. I didn't work out. I didn't eat right. I SUCK!
This morning I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the barn to get a few things done. I made it to the gym by 10:30 and did my Body Pump class. I said hi to Sharon, my new friend at the gym. I then ran a quick 5k on the treadmill because of the negative wind chill factors. I felt pretty good on the treadmill and it didn't seem too awful bad. Back home I weighed in at 136 which certainly perked me up.
I need to figure out how to stop this cycle of feeling hurt by him when he is just going about his life at this point and it has nothing to do with me. I hate feeling that I still give him the power to emotionally crush me.
Why can't I just get over it?
Thursday, December 18, 2014
WOW - Exaclty what I needed to hear!!!
Did anyone check out Chump Lady today?
Today's post was the shot in the arm I really needed. I have too much life to live and too much love to give to ever let JDK drag me down to the pits of .....well the pits. You know what I mean.
I am an ass for all the hours and heartache I wasted on this man. He is not worth it!! I am TOO GOOD FOR HIM! He is a DISORDERED and SELFISH P.O.S.
My new mantra is going to be "Don't let him steal another moment of my life!"
I am still coming out of the fog that this long term destructive relationship had me living in. I am just started to put my life together and really feel like the real me again.
I felt I needed to update my blog to reflect where I am at in life now. The old colors and pictures are in the past, this is a new chapter. I am ready to bloom and keep becoming a better version of the me I once was before life shit on me. I am finding myself under the layers and layers of bullshit that I accumulated in the past 15 years. The old me is in there; it just needs to wake up and want to get out!
I used to be a strong and vibrant women with a lot of confidence. Rocco knocked me down so far and then the tragedy with Friss just crushed my soul. It has been a long LONG time coming but I think I am finally getting back to the surface where I can really live and not just exist.
Kevin's support has been key. Sometimes you just need some loving support to find yourself.
Last week I went to see George and it was nice. One thing I have learned from him is that I need....no I crave affirmation. When he says to me "I don't care if it is right or wrong, if you feel it, it is real to you and it is valid." And he means it and it brings me to tears!! Just being heard and accepted.....so simple, yet so important.
To him, all my feeling are real and of value. I am not crazy or stupid or mentally effed up. I am not just a burden to be put up with or a tool to be used. I am a real person who has value just because I exist! I am a real person with real struggles who needs to be heard and accepted. It is really that simple!
There are people in the world that will love you and "get" you even when you are just being yourself; the good self, the bad self and the ugly self. It is OK to be yourself and expect others to love you just the way you are. YOU DON"T NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE LOVED!!
I say these things because I need to hear them, believe them, live them.
I think all this running is the best thing I could have done for myself this Christmas. Somehow the physical punishment that you push through clears your brain and makes you so much better. I hate running (I am a cyclist), but the physical and mental stress of this challenge has been very good for me.
I am a winner cause I keep on going no matter how much it hurts!
Today's post was the shot in the arm I really needed. I have too much life to live and too much love to give to ever let JDK drag me down to the pits of .....well the pits. You know what I mean.
I am an ass for all the hours and heartache I wasted on this man. He is not worth it!! I am TOO GOOD FOR HIM! He is a DISORDERED and SELFISH P.O.S.
My new mantra is going to be "Don't let him steal another moment of my life!"
I am still coming out of the fog that this long term destructive relationship had me living in. I am just started to put my life together and really feel like the real me again.
I felt I needed to update my blog to reflect where I am at in life now. The old colors and pictures are in the past, this is a new chapter. I am ready to bloom and keep becoming a better version of the me I once was before life shit on me. I am finding myself under the layers and layers of bullshit that I accumulated in the past 15 years. The old me is in there; it just needs to wake up and want to get out!
I used to be a strong and vibrant women with a lot of confidence. Rocco knocked me down so far and then the tragedy with Friss just crushed my soul. It has been a long LONG time coming but I think I am finally getting back to the surface where I can really live and not just exist.
Kevin's support has been key. Sometimes you just need some loving support to find yourself.
Last week I went to see George and it was nice. One thing I have learned from him is that I need....no I crave affirmation. When he says to me "I don't care if it is right or wrong, if you feel it, it is real to you and it is valid." And he means it and it brings me to tears!! Just being heard and accepted.....so simple, yet so important.
To him, all my feeling are real and of value. I am not crazy or stupid or mentally effed up. I am not just a burden to be put up with or a tool to be used. I am a real person who has value just because I exist! I am a real person with real struggles who needs to be heard and accepted. It is really that simple!
There are people in the world that will love you and "get" you even when you are just being yourself; the good self, the bad self and the ugly self. It is OK to be yourself and expect others to love you just the way you are. YOU DON"T NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE LOVED!!
I say these things because I need to hear them, believe them, live them.
I think all this running is the best thing I could have done for myself this Christmas. Somehow the physical punishment that you push through clears your brain and makes you so much better. I hate running (I am a cyclist), but the physical and mental stress of this challenge has been very good for me.
I am a winner cause I keep on going no matter how much it hurts!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Marriage Counselors
Over at chumplady.com the discussion today is about therapist. Oh boy do I have a lot to say on this subject. But first, I had to cut and paste this comment because it made me laugh and it is so true. This woman was telling about her wonderful therapist. (I read Chump Lady all day long!! the comments were engrossing.)
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Monday Thoughts
Mostly life is sad and depressing and I don't want to do it anymore.
(found this in my unpublished. I wrote it on Monday. See....down the rabbit hole!)
(found this in my unpublished. I wrote it on Monday. See....down the rabbit hole!)
Friday, December 6, 2013
I AM SICK
Went to a new therapist yesterday because George is hyper focused on my marriage and I think I just want a therapist to help with my child abuse issues. This new therapist totally reminded me of Uwe’s girlfriend…..so she was doomed from the get go.
BUT I sat there for 55 minutes and tried to inform her of the issues I am battling. I did a quick recap of my life and a list of my concerns. She listened but did not really seem that interested in helping. I left her office and cried all the way home.
My life is really pathetic! Listening to myself I kept thinking how ridiculous it all is. I mean really I have 4 children with three different men ranging in age 31 to 6. I am in a loveless marriage and admittedly got married for all the wrong reasons. I am almost 50 years old and I am so ridiculously dysfunctional.
I don’t know who I am. I am emotionally detached from myself yet always on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.
She asked me if I have a support system or a good friend to lean on. I told her not really. I mean I have KP and that is about it but that is all still relatively new. Again how sad and depressing is it that at this point in my life I am so damn alone?
I had to pay for parking!
Husband was sick and now I am sick. I feel like crap and it makes everything seem worse.
EVERYTHING
My head is stuffy and I feel drained of all energy. I am achy and coughing up my lungs. I just want to be in bed but instead I am here at work because someone has to be and I told my assistant she could have Friday off.
KP is out of town for the weekend. I miss him already. He is my rock…the only thing that keeps me going. Well him and the kids. Seriously if it weren't for the kids I would just check out of this shitty life and be done with it.
BUT I sat there for 55 minutes and tried to inform her of the issues I am battling. I did a quick recap of my life and a list of my concerns. She listened but did not really seem that interested in helping. I left her office and cried all the way home.
My life is really pathetic! Listening to myself I kept thinking how ridiculous it all is. I mean really I have 4 children with three different men ranging in age 31 to 6. I am in a loveless marriage and admittedly got married for all the wrong reasons. I am almost 50 years old and I am so ridiculously dysfunctional.
I don’t know who I am. I am emotionally detached from myself yet always on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.
She asked me if I have a support system or a good friend to lean on. I told her not really. I mean I have KP and that is about it but that is all still relatively new. Again how sad and depressing is it that at this point in my life I am so damn alone?
I had to pay for parking!
Husband was sick and now I am sick. I feel like crap and it makes everything seem worse.
EVERYTHING
My head is stuffy and I feel drained of all energy. I am achy and coughing up my lungs. I just want to be in bed but instead I am here at work because someone has to be and I told my assistant she could have Friday off.
KP is out of town for the weekend. I miss him already. He is my rock…the only thing that keeps me going. Well him and the kids. Seriously if it weren't for the kids I would just check out of this shitty life and be done with it.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Thursday
Thursdays are usually my good days. The one day a week I tend to feel mentally “normal” all day.
I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.
I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation. We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.
Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.
Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.
Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.
Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!
I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!
Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.
While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out. He told me I can be rude at times. We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.
Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.
He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.
Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.
UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.
I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.
I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation. We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.
Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.
Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.
Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.
Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!
I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!
Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.
While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out. He told me I can be rude at times. We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.
Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.
He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.
Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.
UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Down the Rabbit Hole
The other day I was thinking about how I am stuck right now in this middle ground. A nowhere land that everything is fucked up. A dark corner that only I, with my gift for fucking up my own life, could have possibly backed myself into. Yes I have a knack for just doing everything wrong and making my life a living hell even when each step of the way I try so damn hard to do the right thing and make good choices and live a loving, decent, caring life. How does someone have such good intentions yet end up doing such a poor job?
On one side of me stands a dysfunctional marriage that should I leave it would be a long (months if not years) and painful task (am I even strong enough to go through with it?) and result in me shuttling my sweet baby girl back and forth between two homes for the next 10 years. Heartbreaking. Not to mention the sense of failure, once again, for not making a good choice on who to marry; for not making it work.
On the other side I have the potential for what might be a REAL loving and happy relationship but it is really too far out of reach at this point. It can’t be real for a long time and there is no guarantee that it will ever be real. The longer it goes on like this the more I worry it is just going to implode because, let’s be honest here, there is just TOO MUCH garbage between me and the reality of a true life with KP.
I don't want to hurt anyone!
So what do I do? I cry, and hate myself and want to hide from the world and run away from myself. Why can’t I just disappear? I want to call in sick to work and get a bottle of wine and just stay home and cry and drink until I can’t feel anything. I hate my life so much it hurts (or maybe I hurt so bad I hate myself) and I have only myself to blame for how my life is now. I got myself into this, no one else did. There is no good solution. All directions will suck. I have to chop off one arm or the other!!
It all feels so fucking hopeless and ridiculous and I can barely stand IT.
THEN…KP calls….I tell him exactly what I am thinking. He listens with patience and wisdom. He tells me not to worry, to quit hating myself because that serves no good purpose. That is does nothing to make things better for anyone. He tells me to think about what will make me happy; to focus on the future and how I can make the future a better situation. He is so damn supportive and kind and positive that I suddenly feel foolish for having headed down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. I promise him I will go to work and not be self-destructive.
So I go to work and feel better and realize I can take this one day at a time and the world won’t end and I will survive and who knows, maybe tomorrow a solution will come to me and it will all work out for the best.
Why can’t I talk myself out of the rabbit hole? Why do I need him to help me?
On one side of me stands a dysfunctional marriage that should I leave it would be a long (months if not years) and painful task (am I even strong enough to go through with it?) and result in me shuttling my sweet baby girl back and forth between two homes for the next 10 years. Heartbreaking. Not to mention the sense of failure, once again, for not making a good choice on who to marry; for not making it work.
On the other side I have the potential for what might be a REAL loving and happy relationship but it is really too far out of reach at this point. It can’t be real for a long time and there is no guarantee that it will ever be real. The longer it goes on like this the more I worry it is just going to implode because, let’s be honest here, there is just TOO MUCH garbage between me and the reality of a true life with KP.
I don't want to hurt anyone!
So what do I do? I cry, and hate myself and want to hide from the world and run away from myself. Why can’t I just disappear? I want to call in sick to work and get a bottle of wine and just stay home and cry and drink until I can’t feel anything. I hate my life so much it hurts (or maybe I hurt so bad I hate myself) and I have only myself to blame for how my life is now. I got myself into this, no one else did. There is no good solution. All directions will suck. I have to chop off one arm or the other!!
It all feels so fucking hopeless and ridiculous and I can barely stand IT.
THEN…KP calls….I tell him exactly what I am thinking. He listens with patience and wisdom. He tells me not to worry, to quit hating myself because that serves no good purpose. That is does nothing to make things better for anyone. He tells me to think about what will make me happy; to focus on the future and how I can make the future a better situation. He is so damn supportive and kind and positive that I suddenly feel foolish for having headed down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. I promise him I will go to work and not be self-destructive.
So I go to work and feel better and realize I can take this one day at a time and the world won’t end and I will survive and who knows, maybe tomorrow a solution will come to me and it will all work out for the best.
Why can’t I talk myself out of the rabbit hole? Why do I need him to help me?
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Thursday With George
Today I told George about the whole train ride fiasco. He said that he thinks my husband and I both mean well but we are not mixing well. Like oil and water. Nothing wrong with oil; nothing wrong with water, but they just don’t mix well. I know he is right, that my husband was NOT trying to be an ass. I am sure at the end of the day he felt I was unreasonable and squashed all the fun and that he won’t be planning any trips from now on because I am too hard to please. Depressing, and of course we never talked about it.
George also said that he believes that if Husband and I would just spend more time together; a lot more time together, all the issues would work themselves out. He said that most couples just need to spend more time with each other and they will automatically communicate better and become closer. I even have a friend who told me buying a boat saved his marriage. When I asked why he said that he and his wife now spend all weekend together in the boat. This all makes sense to me. At first I was thinking he is right and that is a plan of action I can focus on making happen. I can ask Husband for more time. He did go for a bike with me on my birthday and it was fun. Then I remembered the weekend at the lake when we went for a hike together. He didn’t want to actually have a conversation with me. He is not talkative. It was no fun at all. In the final analysis I always come back to the same thing. He doesn’t feel the need to interact with me. He doesn’t enjoy my company or seek it out. I really think more time together will not help. In fact, we started getting along much better when I decided to get out of the house more and have a life on my own. Depressing.
Whenever I ask husband to do something with me he always says “sure” and acts interested. But then when the date draws near it always turns into him wiggling out of it or the whole thing turning into some sort of unpleasant, overly complicated situation. Nothing is ever easy with him and I am really tired of it all.
I finally finished my book “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse”. The more I read and understand how I am emotionally effected by my upbringing, the more I realize that almost all of the things my husband does that drive me crazy, make me edgy or even uncomfortable are the things my parents did to harm me. In essence he is abusing me just like they did. He may be fine for someone else, but all the things he does that suit his needs tend to be the exact opposite of the things I need.
Example: I like people who are predictable and even tempered. When I was a child, the mood in our house was always unpredictable so as children we were always on edge not knowing what might happen next. My father could be terribly nice one moment but then smack you off your feet the next moment in a sudden fit of anger. My husband is moody and unpredictable which keeps me feeling off balance.
Example: I need communication and interaction. My parents treated me as less than human. I was abused by neglect. My father physically left me and my mother was never emotionally or socially interested in interacting. When husband ignores me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved (and he does it all the time). When husband won’t communicate with me it leads me to believe I am not worth his time or effort. He makes me feel unloved just like my parents did. Husband and I have one “real” talk a month at best.
Example: I need to be told (shown) I am valued. When I was growing up I was taught threw actions and words that I was not important. I now enjoy relationships with people who act like they like me and say nice things to me, etc. I mean that is just normal; don’t all people what to feel valued by their friends and family. My husband never gives me sincere compliments or acts appreciative. He will flip a sarcastic comment my way every once in a while and think he is doing me a huge favor.
There is more but I am tired of going on about it. He is just NOT what I need and George seems to think we could be good for each other if we did indeed pull each other out of our opposite corners and meet in the middle; that we could facilitate growth in each other. But here is the thing……why not just surround yourself with people that get you; people that are already in your same corner?
I just don’t think I am on board with George anymore. He is doing a great job as a marriage counselor by doing everything in his power to save my marriage. But at this point in my life I am more interested in healing the emotionally scarred child inside me and quite frankly, my husband only continues to wound me and I can’t change that unless he wants to change.
And I really need to have a talk with my husband and explain all this to him. Give him a chance to save our marriage. Inform him of his options. Because right now I feel I need to be away from him in order to feel mentally healthy. Sadly though….he never wants to talk.
George also said that he believes that if Husband and I would just spend more time together; a lot more time together, all the issues would work themselves out. He said that most couples just need to spend more time with each other and they will automatically communicate better and become closer. I even have a friend who told me buying a boat saved his marriage. When I asked why he said that he and his wife now spend all weekend together in the boat. This all makes sense to me. At first I was thinking he is right and that is a plan of action I can focus on making happen. I can ask Husband for more time. He did go for a bike with me on my birthday and it was fun. Then I remembered the weekend at the lake when we went for a hike together. He didn’t want to actually have a conversation with me. He is not talkative. It was no fun at all. In the final analysis I always come back to the same thing. He doesn’t feel the need to interact with me. He doesn’t enjoy my company or seek it out. I really think more time together will not help. In fact, we started getting along much better when I decided to get out of the house more and have a life on my own. Depressing.
Whenever I ask husband to do something with me he always says “sure” and acts interested. But then when the date draws near it always turns into him wiggling out of it or the whole thing turning into some sort of unpleasant, overly complicated situation. Nothing is ever easy with him and I am really tired of it all.
I finally finished my book “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse”. The more I read and understand how I am emotionally effected by my upbringing, the more I realize that almost all of the things my husband does that drive me crazy, make me edgy or even uncomfortable are the things my parents did to harm me. In essence he is abusing me just like they did. He may be fine for someone else, but all the things he does that suit his needs tend to be the exact opposite of the things I need.
Example: I like people who are predictable and even tempered. When I was a child, the mood in our house was always unpredictable so as children we were always on edge not knowing what might happen next. My father could be terribly nice one moment but then smack you off your feet the next moment in a sudden fit of anger. My husband is moody and unpredictable which keeps me feeling off balance.
Example: I need communication and interaction. My parents treated me as less than human. I was abused by neglect. My father physically left me and my mother was never emotionally or socially interested in interacting. When husband ignores me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved (and he does it all the time). When husband won’t communicate with me it leads me to believe I am not worth his time or effort. He makes me feel unloved just like my parents did. Husband and I have one “real” talk a month at best.
Example: I need to be told (shown) I am valued. When I was growing up I was taught threw actions and words that I was not important. I now enjoy relationships with people who act like they like me and say nice things to me, etc. I mean that is just normal; don’t all people what to feel valued by their friends and family. My husband never gives me sincere compliments or acts appreciative. He will flip a sarcastic comment my way every once in a while and think he is doing me a huge favor.
There is more but I am tired of going on about it. He is just NOT what I need and George seems to think we could be good for each other if we did indeed pull each other out of our opposite corners and meet in the middle; that we could facilitate growth in each other. But here is the thing……why not just surround yourself with people that get you; people that are already in your same corner?
I just don’t think I am on board with George anymore. He is doing a great job as a marriage counselor by doing everything in his power to save my marriage. But at this point in my life I am more interested in healing the emotionally scarred child inside me and quite frankly, my husband only continues to wound me and I can’t change that unless he wants to change.
And I really need to have a talk with my husband and explain all this to him. Give him a chance to save our marriage. Inform him of his options. Because right now I feel I need to be away from him in order to feel mentally healthy. Sadly though….he never wants to talk.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thinking Out Loud….Keeping it Real.
1) I know that my husband means well, that he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I don’t know how to tell him what I need. I think if I could do that he would be happier knowing what to do and I would be happier too. His natural instinct of what to do is pretty off from what I need.
2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.
On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.
3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.
4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.
5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.
6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.
7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!
8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!
9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)
10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)
2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.
On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.
3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.
4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.
5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.
6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.
7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!
8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!
9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)
10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)
Monday and I Just want to quit.
Overwhelmed.
Again.
Life just keeps me spinning.
I don’t feel like anything works out right…..any one cares…..it’s all a mess and I am helpless.
There isn’t enough time for everything either. I need to read and think and write and work on my “thoughts”. But I have to go to work 40 hours a week. I have to keep up a house with a husband and small child. I have to tend to older kids when needed. I keep making time for fun, like cycling and friends but lately that is not even going well. It’s not making me feel better at all.
And school. My daughter is in a private school. They expect me to pay attention, help out, be present. I am not and I feel guilty.
I feel guilty all the time…ALL THE TIME!!
I feel angry all the time!
I don’t know what I should feel….what’s normal. I really don’t. That is so fucked up.
No wonder ALL my relationships are fucked up.
Again.
Life just keeps me spinning.
I don’t feel like anything works out right…..any one cares…..it’s all a mess and I am helpless.
There isn’t enough time for everything either. I need to read and think and write and work on my “thoughts”. But I have to go to work 40 hours a week. I have to keep up a house with a husband and small child. I have to tend to older kids when needed. I keep making time for fun, like cycling and friends but lately that is not even going well. It’s not making me feel better at all.
And school. My daughter is in a private school. They expect me to pay attention, help out, be present. I am not and I feel guilty.
I feel guilty all the time…ALL THE TIME!!
I feel angry all the time!
I don’t know what I should feel….what’s normal. I really don’t. That is so fucked up.
No wonder ALL my relationships are fucked up.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thursday's with George
Today George told me I married my husband because I was trying to finish my unfinished business with my parents. George really likes “Imago Theory”. I told him it’s not true. I would NEVER have married him if it weren’t for Beanie. I would have only married a person I considered kind and a friend of mine.
My ex was a really really nice guy. Rocco was my best friend and very kind to me except in the end when it got a little weird. I am not in the habit of hooking up with people that treat me poorly (unless they change on me).
He then asked me why I bother to stay with my husband if I am that unhappy with him. I told him I don’t think being a single mother would make me any happier. I can live with my husband (mostly) and this way we share the responsibly and it is not all on me.
He once again reminded me that things are improving with my husband and I should be happy. He wants me to focus on the positive. I get that but you know what….at this rate of change it will take another 20 years before I am happily married. HA!
Then we were talking about my feelings as a child. He was really challenging me to go back and think about how I felt at the time and what I was thinking. At first I couldn’t come up with anything new or earth shattering. Then I thought a little harder and did come up with a few things I found VERY interesting.
First, my father used to have an accordion and once in a while, in the evening he would drink some wine and bust that thing out of the closet and we would all party it up and laugh and have such a good time. Really my mother is NEVER fun. My father could be very fun at times.
I wonder what ever happened to his accordion?
The other thing I remembered was when my father moved out, which wasn’t long after my older sister moved out, I felt very hurt and confused by their departures. These days people would certainly worry that the child may be traumatized by such changes but I recall back then everyone acting like I should not be emotionally affected at all. And….this is the interesting part, I believed them! I remember feeling that I should NOT have feelings and trying so hard to make them go away. I remember thinking I was crazy because I was sad and I had no reason to be sad. I stuffed all my sadness down and acted like everything was fine because that is what “the world” seemed to expect from me. I remember all of 4th and 5th grade feeling “lost” because of the changes and my inner turmoil with it all.
It is just so hard when you are a child because you have no frame of reference. All you know is what the adults around you tell you and if it is total bullshit then you don’t know any better. It’s sad really…..that they crushed my little soul. I know they didn’t mean to so I really don’t feel “mad” at my parents. I do feel mad at the world though. Mad because I feel like I never had a chance. Like “it” got me and still gets me and I don’t know how to free myself from it.
I am so tired of feeling hurt, angry and sad. I know I should let it go but I don’t know how to!
I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I bet my blood pressure is NOT good.
*************
PS - so pissed i can't type on the "compose" tab of this blog and i don't have time to research why!
PSS - I think my internet browser is so old and that is why my "compose" tab won't work. I tried to upgrade it but failed. I will see if our IT guy can fix it next time he is in the office.
My ex was a really really nice guy. Rocco was my best friend and very kind to me except in the end when it got a little weird. I am not in the habit of hooking up with people that treat me poorly (unless they change on me).
He then asked me why I bother to stay with my husband if I am that unhappy with him. I told him I don’t think being a single mother would make me any happier. I can live with my husband (mostly) and this way we share the responsibly and it is not all on me.
He once again reminded me that things are improving with my husband and I should be happy. He wants me to focus on the positive. I get that but you know what….at this rate of change it will take another 20 years before I am happily married. HA!
Then we were talking about my feelings as a child. He was really challenging me to go back and think about how I felt at the time and what I was thinking. At first I couldn’t come up with anything new or earth shattering. Then I thought a little harder and did come up with a few things I found VERY interesting.
First, my father used to have an accordion and once in a while, in the evening he would drink some wine and bust that thing out of the closet and we would all party it up and laugh and have such a good time. Really my mother is NEVER fun. My father could be very fun at times.
I wonder what ever happened to his accordion?
The other thing I remembered was when my father moved out, which wasn’t long after my older sister moved out, I felt very hurt and confused by their departures. These days people would certainly worry that the child may be traumatized by such changes but I recall back then everyone acting like I should not be emotionally affected at all. And….this is the interesting part, I believed them! I remember feeling that I should NOT have feelings and trying so hard to make them go away. I remember thinking I was crazy because I was sad and I had no reason to be sad. I stuffed all my sadness down and acted like everything was fine because that is what “the world” seemed to expect from me. I remember all of 4th and 5th grade feeling “lost” because of the changes and my inner turmoil with it all.
It is just so hard when you are a child because you have no frame of reference. All you know is what the adults around you tell you and if it is total bullshit then you don’t know any better. It’s sad really…..that they crushed my little soul. I know they didn’t mean to so I really don’t feel “mad” at my parents. I do feel mad at the world though. Mad because I feel like I never had a chance. Like “it” got me and still gets me and I don’t know how to free myself from it.
I am so tired of feeling hurt, angry and sad. I know I should let it go but I don’t know how to!
I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I bet my blood pressure is NOT good.
*************
PS - so pissed i can't type on the "compose" tab of this blog and i don't have time to research why!
PSS - I think my internet browser is so old and that is why my "compose" tab won't work. I tried to upgrade it but failed. I will see if our IT guy can fix it next time he is in the office.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
When People Change
One of my best friends (or so I thought) has been really hurting my feelings lately. At first I thought I was just being too sensitive but it just keeps getting worse and worse. At first it was a snide comment here and there. Then there was the getting ignored at times. Now we are fully into the “I can’t do anything right” phase. Honestly it is freaking me out. I have never known a person to change so much on me.
The hard part for me is that I miss my old friend; the one that was nice to me and made me feel accepted and loved. The asshole that inhabits his body now is like a stranger to me. I just don’t get it. I can only assume this is more the real person and the other guy was the put on face for the public and new people. You know what I mean, how people are so friendly and nice when they first meet you, on their best behavior and then later, when they are more relaxed around you their real personality comes out .
This morning it happened again. I did nothing wrong but what I did made him angry and he yelled at me and I cried which only made him more mad.
I need to get away from him. I feel like the more I am around him the less patient he becomes with me. I have even suggested we talk about it. I got no response. I suggested I should leave him alone and he said he didn’t understand why I was behaving this way. I really don’t mind if he needs space just say so but when I try to give him more space he gets angry that I am ignoring him or being distant. (See I can’t do anything right.)
He even alluded to the fact that I have changed and when I tried to get him to explain more fully, guess what? YES…he ignored me.
I really am starting to have a complex! It seems to me that people always turn on me and also decide not to talk to me about it. I swear it hasn’t always been this way. For most of my life I have had normal friends and normal relationships where people communicated with me in an honest and respectful way.
When talking to George one time he mentioned that he thought that I was attracted to my husband because he was distant like my father. I can see how he might put that together. But here is the thing……Rocco was NOT distant at all, we were really really close for the first 3 years and I LOVED IT. I never set out to be in a relationship with someone who was cold and distant. I just got stuck with it and I would have never signed up for it even before I was pregnant but he was pretending to be someone he is not when I met him.
Furthermore, the other day husband said we could switch sides of the bed if I wanted. I said “hold up buddy!” When we were dating he told me he MUST sleep on the right side of the bed. So that is where he lays to this day. I explained that he could not change that because I was already miffed at all the changes he made since we first met. He acted offended at my comments. This is a man that has flat out told me word for word that dating is a process of pretending to be someone you are not. GEEZ!
The hard part for me is that I miss my old friend; the one that was nice to me and made me feel accepted and loved. The asshole that inhabits his body now is like a stranger to me. I just don’t get it. I can only assume this is more the real person and the other guy was the put on face for the public and new people. You know what I mean, how people are so friendly and nice when they first meet you, on their best behavior and then later, when they are more relaxed around you their real personality comes out .
This morning it happened again. I did nothing wrong but what I did made him angry and he yelled at me and I cried which only made him more mad.
I need to get away from him. I feel like the more I am around him the less patient he becomes with me. I have even suggested we talk about it. I got no response. I suggested I should leave him alone and he said he didn’t understand why I was behaving this way. I really don’t mind if he needs space just say so but when I try to give him more space he gets angry that I am ignoring him or being distant. (See I can’t do anything right.)
He even alluded to the fact that I have changed and when I tried to get him to explain more fully, guess what? YES…he ignored me.
I really am starting to have a complex! It seems to me that people always turn on me and also decide not to talk to me about it. I swear it hasn’t always been this way. For most of my life I have had normal friends and normal relationships where people communicated with me in an honest and respectful way.
When talking to George one time he mentioned that he thought that I was attracted to my husband because he was distant like my father. I can see how he might put that together. But here is the thing……Rocco was NOT distant at all, we were really really close for the first 3 years and I LOVED IT. I never set out to be in a relationship with someone who was cold and distant. I just got stuck with it and I would have never signed up for it even before I was pregnant but he was pretending to be someone he is not when I met him.
Furthermore, the other day husband said we could switch sides of the bed if I wanted. I said “hold up buddy!” When we were dating he told me he MUST sleep on the right side of the bed. So that is where he lays to this day. I explained that he could not change that because I was already miffed at all the changes he made since we first met. He acted offended at my comments. This is a man that has flat out told me word for word that dating is a process of pretending to be someone you are not. GEEZ!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Weekend Recap - I think I am finally at the end of my rope!
On Saturday morning I ran my hilly 10K race. I did awesome. I was very proud of myself for giving it my all and keeping a positive attitude. It is so easy for me to think my way into a bad run! I placed third in my age group which was thrilling. I hope I can keep this positive mindset about my running going forward……it is the one thing that has me excited at the moment.
Husband spent Friday night and all day Saturday at his folks house with our daughter. He finally mentioned (in passing) that his mom fell and hurt her back and was having a hard time getting around. I suppose that is why she didn’t want to just babysit for us. Sadly, both our parents are older and they really can’t babysit due to their age. It’s a real bummer. This, my friends, is why it is NOT good to have children when you are 40!
Friday night no one was home to close the chicken coop door, so a critter got in and stole one of my Rhode Island Red hens for dinner. That makes me sad. I love my hens so much.
Husband and daughter returned home around 10 pm on Saturday night. I had planned on riding bikes with my friends on Sunday morning (as usual) but when he got home he said “NO…I am going to ride tomorrow.”
So Sunday morning he got up and piddled around and finally left on his bike around 8:30 am. He said he would be home for dinner. I spent Sunday morning getting my weekly chores done and took the girl shopping for some pink shorts to go with her favorite top.
We had lunch and took a long nap and then Daddy did return home around 4:30ish. He had biked 140 miles. He then ate dinner, showered and went to Wal-Mart for our weekly groceries. He returned from Wal-Mart while I was watching 60 minutes. I apologized for not helping him with the groceries but I was totally engrossed in the show.
After that he disappeared and ignored me for the balance of the evening. It is like it is a goal of his to spend as little time with me as possible. At some point something snapped in my head and I said to myself “I just can’t live like this anymore…..this is killing me. I need to plot to leave this man and get busy having a real life!”
The long and short of it is this: I am not happy and I am tired of trying to figure out how to be happy. There is nothing that I can do to make him be the husband I need and want. There is no way I can adjust my life to be happy with him as he is and as he wants things. Long story short, we are not emotionally compatible and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is how I got divorced last time. I finally decided that I couldn’t change the situation nor could I live with it so I had to get out of it.
I slept in the basement last night and I am now trying to think about how to navigate ending this marriage. When I think of little Beanie I don’t want to hurt her so I start to feel all panicky. I also think it would be in my best interest to move away from here (I need to quit my job anyway); get away from Rocco and my husband completely. We will need to sell the house. I might move in with my mom for a while. I would need to put stuff in storage. I don’t know… it is all overwhelming!
Husband spent Friday night and all day Saturday at his folks house with our daughter. He finally mentioned (in passing) that his mom fell and hurt her back and was having a hard time getting around. I suppose that is why she didn’t want to just babysit for us. Sadly, both our parents are older and they really can’t babysit due to their age. It’s a real bummer. This, my friends, is why it is NOT good to have children when you are 40!
Friday night no one was home to close the chicken coop door, so a critter got in and stole one of my Rhode Island Red hens for dinner. That makes me sad. I love my hens so much.
Husband and daughter returned home around 10 pm on Saturday night. I had planned on riding bikes with my friends on Sunday morning (as usual) but when he got home he said “NO…I am going to ride tomorrow.”
So Sunday morning he got up and piddled around and finally left on his bike around 8:30 am. He said he would be home for dinner. I spent Sunday morning getting my weekly chores done and took the girl shopping for some pink shorts to go with her favorite top.
We had lunch and took a long nap and then Daddy did return home around 4:30ish. He had biked 140 miles. He then ate dinner, showered and went to Wal-Mart for our weekly groceries. He returned from Wal-Mart while I was watching 60 minutes. I apologized for not helping him with the groceries but I was totally engrossed in the show.
After that he disappeared and ignored me for the balance of the evening. It is like it is a goal of his to spend as little time with me as possible. At some point something snapped in my head and I said to myself “I just can’t live like this anymore…..this is killing me. I need to plot to leave this man and get busy having a real life!”
The long and short of it is this: I am not happy and I am tired of trying to figure out how to be happy. There is nothing that I can do to make him be the husband I need and want. There is no way I can adjust my life to be happy with him as he is and as he wants things. Long story short, we are not emotionally compatible and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is how I got divorced last time. I finally decided that I couldn’t change the situation nor could I live with it so I had to get out of it.
I slept in the basement last night and I am now trying to think about how to navigate ending this marriage. When I think of little Beanie I don’t want to hurt her so I start to feel all panicky. I also think it would be in my best interest to move away from here (I need to quit my job anyway); get away from Rocco and my husband completely. We will need to sell the house. I might move in with my mom for a while. I would need to put stuff in storage. I don’t know… it is all overwhelming!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Side Effects
About a month ago, my allergies got really bad so I started to experiment with allergy medication. In my mind, I had it fixed; that no meds was a good idea so it was with great reluctance and apprehension that I did try a pill. It seemed to do nothing.
The next one I tried, offered to me by a coworker, did seem to dry up my sinuses and decrease the itchy eyes, but it also made me a bit groggy at times. Not all the time, but very much so other times. This little pink pill was cheap and my coworker swears it NEVER makes her sleepy so I took it for a few weeks. It did seem to help my allergies, but at the same time, I was feeling particularly depressed.
I attributed the depression to the fact that Rocco is moving back to town, I didn’t get that ideal job, my favorite inner souls are no longer for sale and both my teenagers chose to go out and get large, expensive tattoos on their legs, etc. etc.
Then about a week ago I was drooped over my desk unable to function and I decided that the allergy medicine had to go. I was just so darn sleepy. Another coworker offered me a different allergy pill, this one was in a bottle with a lime green lid. I took it and it seemed to do nothing the first day, but I took it again the next morning and my allergies seemed fine all day so I declared the switch a huge success. I was no longer living in a drugged out blur.
Then, yesterday, I was sitting at my desk fighting to keep my eyes open and began to wonder if this new pill wasn’t making me sleepy as well. (It would be a lot easier to tell if the change was definite and pervasive.)
Last night, I lay awake in bed after an exhausting day. I wasn’t sleepy at all. I had been taking the new pills each morning. Mmm…I wonder, if I took them at night, maybe I would sleep better and not be tired during the day.
So today I took NOTHING and I feel better than I have in say….about a month. I haven’t had any allergy issues either and I did run outside this morning. (Let’s hope the worst of allergy season is behind me.) I feel way less depressed, not sleepy at all and more motivated than I have in a long time.
Gee….maybe my original assumption that allergy meds are evil was correct!
Just sayin’.
The next one I tried, offered to me by a coworker, did seem to dry up my sinuses and decrease the itchy eyes, but it also made me a bit groggy at times. Not all the time, but very much so other times. This little pink pill was cheap and my coworker swears it NEVER makes her sleepy so I took it for a few weeks. It did seem to help my allergies, but at the same time, I was feeling particularly depressed.
I attributed the depression to the fact that Rocco is moving back to town, I didn’t get that ideal job, my favorite inner souls are no longer for sale and both my teenagers chose to go out and get large, expensive tattoos on their legs, etc. etc.
Then about a week ago I was drooped over my desk unable to function and I decided that the allergy medicine had to go. I was just so darn sleepy. Another coworker offered me a different allergy pill, this one was in a bottle with a lime green lid. I took it and it seemed to do nothing the first day, but I took it again the next morning and my allergies seemed fine all day so I declared the switch a huge success. I was no longer living in a drugged out blur.
Then, yesterday, I was sitting at my desk fighting to keep my eyes open and began to wonder if this new pill wasn’t making me sleepy as well. (It would be a lot easier to tell if the change was definite and pervasive.)
Last night, I lay awake in bed after an exhausting day. I wasn’t sleepy at all. I had been taking the new pills each morning. Mmm…I wonder, if I took them at night, maybe I would sleep better and not be tired during the day.
So today I took NOTHING and I feel better than I have in say….about a month. I haven’t had any allergy issues either and I did run outside this morning. (Let’s hope the worst of allergy season is behind me.) I feel way less depressed, not sleepy at all and more motivated than I have in a long time.
Gee….maybe my original assumption that allergy meds are evil was correct!
Just sayin’.
Monday, June 24, 2013
MONDAY BLAH
It’s Monday….one of my least favorite days. I had crazy interesting dreams last night / this morning and woke up sleeping alone in the basement guest room because I was too hot upstairs. (I often overhead at night, worse lately, I am getting to be “that” old. *sad face*)
I like sleeping in the basement though. The bed is soft and it is VERY quiet and cool except the perfect hum of the little box fan I have strategically placed in the corner to circulate the air ever so slightly. I was dreaming about how I had rented an apartment in a new, cool town. It was two stories and the lower story was the bed room. I shared it with a roommate but he slept in a bunk bed on the opposite wall. We were brainstorming how to best cover the concrete walls. The basement bedroom had one wall that as not underground. It was just a lot of windows. Outside I saw the rain drizzling on a side walk. I loved the apartment though. At one point I walked outside to find a wilderness wonderland (it’s a dream so it doesn’t have to make sense) complete with wild animals and majestic views. It must have been Montana or Wyoming.
When I finally woke up to realize it was Monday I immediately felt anxiety. You see, my job is not going well. The owner of the small company I work for has a nasty habit of spending up all our cash so we are currently fighting a very serious cash flow battle. I predict that in the not too distant future, we will be hard pressed to make the payroll. We are already getting calls from angry vendors about past due invoices that we have not paid. I have vowed that I will quit my job if it gets too bad. I am just too darn old and bitter to put up with the nonsense that is coming. I have already paid my dues in that respect when I worked in automotive during the not profitable years. (Still find it hard to believe that Ford and Chrysler are actually making a profit. I am suspicious.)
Another option, that is heavy on my mind, is firing my “assistant”. She does the grunt work and processes the weekly payroll. Stuff I really hate to do, but, at this point work is so slow that one person could easily do both jobs.
This week I have to help her with the payroll in preparation for her taking a huge vacation next month. I don’t usually do payroll so I need a refresher on the details. I also know that this “training” period will help me out should we need to fire her. Blah…I hate being a grown up.
Ideally, I would get a new job and leave her here to do both jobs. This would also help our little company with cash flow as I am crazy overpaid at the same time I would not have to fire her or deal with the sinking ship. WIN – WIN!!
Which leads me to a story that you missed earlier this month.
Clink >>> HERE <<< to go back and read it.
I like sleeping in the basement though. The bed is soft and it is VERY quiet and cool except the perfect hum of the little box fan I have strategically placed in the corner to circulate the air ever so slightly. I was dreaming about how I had rented an apartment in a new, cool town. It was two stories and the lower story was the bed room. I shared it with a roommate but he slept in a bunk bed on the opposite wall. We were brainstorming how to best cover the concrete walls. The basement bedroom had one wall that as not underground. It was just a lot of windows. Outside I saw the rain drizzling on a side walk. I loved the apartment though. At one point I walked outside to find a wilderness wonderland (it’s a dream so it doesn’t have to make sense) complete with wild animals and majestic views. It must have been Montana or Wyoming.
When I finally woke up to realize it was Monday I immediately felt anxiety. You see, my job is not going well. The owner of the small company I work for has a nasty habit of spending up all our cash so we are currently fighting a very serious cash flow battle. I predict that in the not too distant future, we will be hard pressed to make the payroll. We are already getting calls from angry vendors about past due invoices that we have not paid. I have vowed that I will quit my job if it gets too bad. I am just too darn old and bitter to put up with the nonsense that is coming. I have already paid my dues in that respect when I worked in automotive during the not profitable years. (Still find it hard to believe that Ford and Chrysler are actually making a profit. I am suspicious.)
Another option, that is heavy on my mind, is firing my “assistant”. She does the grunt work and processes the weekly payroll. Stuff I really hate to do, but, at this point work is so slow that one person could easily do both jobs.
This week I have to help her with the payroll in preparation for her taking a huge vacation next month. I don’t usually do payroll so I need a refresher on the details. I also know that this “training” period will help me out should we need to fire her. Blah…I hate being a grown up.
Ideally, I would get a new job and leave her here to do both jobs. This would also help our little company with cash flow as I am crazy overpaid at the same time I would not have to fire her or deal with the sinking ship. WIN – WIN!!
Which leads me to a story that you missed earlier this month.
Clink >>> HERE <<< to go back and read it.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
George is a Smarty-Pants
So the first thing he asked me when I got there today is “what can I do for you?”
I responded with “fix me”. He says well…if you were fixed, how would your world be different?
I told him I would view my life as being more pleasure than pain; that the joy would be worth the sorrow. That I often don’t want to get up and do the day. I wish I could just hide out from the real world.
Then we spent a long time talking about depression. He pointed out that I do get out of bed every day. I said but I don’t want to. He said but you do. I told him I needed to work for money. He praised me for making decisions that are good for me.
We talked about how my husband is being so much kinder to me lately. I told him I think it is because he is afraid I am about to lose my mind and he doesn’t want to trigger my breakdown. I seriously think husband feels like I am on the verge of some total collapse and he is scared.
George grilled me on why I have to paint a negative story for his motivation. Why can’t I just think husband loves me and wants me to be happy and is doing a better job at being a good husband like I have always wanted? I told George that after years of him being a jerk to me it is hard to believe he has changed. I have been conditioned over the past 6 years. George points out that he is giving me more of what I want….that things are better….that I should be happy progress is being made in the right direction.
And you know what? It irritated the shit out of me that George makes it so damn simple. I am realizing that I am totally resistant to the idea that my husband may actually have admirable motives. I suppose it is counterproductive of me to be so negative and defensive. So frustrating.
Then in the last few minutes of our session I told him how screwed up every relationship in my life is and how I am tired of having to find my inner “I don’t give a fuck” to get thru the day.
He pointed out that I have to quit expecting people to be what they are not. That if my brother doesn’t want to be in touch then I need to except that and not let it bother me. I told him I want to have a real family. He pointed out that I have the family I have and that isn’t going to change just because I don’t like it.
He is right you know. I let the fact that my family is all fucked up get to me and really there is no reason to do that. I let myself get angry or mad…..I make myself upset. Why do I do that to myself???
I guess I am just mad (in general) that I don’t have a good supportive family, that my marriage is so much less than I had hoped, that my teenagers have fucked up priorities, that my job situation is deteriorating every day and finding a new job is not going to be easy or quick, that friends have abandoned me, etc. etc.
Life is fucking disappointing!
AND THEN WE WERE OUT OF TIME….just when it was getting really good.
So next week I need to go in and tell him “I want to be less angry at the world for not being the way I want it” “I want to be able to appreciate the fact that my husband is better than he was instead of still seeing him as a mere fraction of what I want and need in a spouse.” “Make me see a glass half full not half empty!!”
UGH!!!
Friday, June 14, 2013
A New Job is Handed To Me
Last Thursday morning at 5:30 I reported (as usual) to my group run when my friend Brent asked me if I needed a job. I said yes, of course, if you have a lead pass it on. He told me that indeed he knew that the accountant at my daughter’s soon-to-be private school was going to quit all of a sudden like. We didn’t get to finish our talk though because it was time to start the workout and everyone took off running.
Later I recalled our conversation and emailed him. He sent me back her resignation letter and her boss’s response! So yes indeed she had quit that very day. (I guess he is dating this gal cause he was really sketching on how he was privy to all this information.) He also told me it was strictly personal and she was not quitting due to adverse work conditions.
I happened to also know the I.T. guy at the school and emailed him immediately to ask how I should proceed if I wanted to put my name in for the position. While I waited for his response, I looked around the school’s website and found the open book keeper position had already been posted! I quickly spruced up my resume, composed a cover letter and shot it over to the school via the internet per the instructions listed on the web page. Meanwhile my I.T. friend responded and I told him I had sent it and he said he would put in the good word for me.
At this point I am so excited. A job falling into my lap and an inside connection; how could I go wrong. At 4 pm I got a call from the school to set up an interview. My dreams were coming true; this might actually work out perfect for EVERYONE!
The very next day I took a long lunch break and went over for the interview. I thought it went well but salary was never discussed. I asked about the time frame for filling the job and they said they wanted it filled by next Thursday. I left feeling very positive that I had a real shot at the job and I mulled over how low I would be willing to go salary wise. A huge benefit of the job would be that I could work from 7:30 – 3:30 which coincides with my daughter’s school day so we would not have to hire after school care nor would she need to be dropped off on my way to work. Also, the school is about 4 miles from our house; so handy. It would be perfect!
All weekend long I was happy and excited but tried not to tell the whole world in fear I would jinx myself. Monday came and went and no word but that was fine. When Thursday came and went and I had not heard a peep my hopes were pretty much gone and disappointment was settling in.
This morning, the phone rang around 10 am and it was an unfamiliar number. I knew exactly what it was. I answered and sure enough, I was a great candidate but they chose someone else for the position. To say I am down is an understatement. I am CRUSHED, devastated. It would have been ideal. It is so hard to find a job here. I had started to pack my stuff…I was getting things in order so I could leave. UGH
In retrospect, I asked a ton of good questions and everyone seemed eager and happy at the interview, but they didn’t ask the questions you would expect if they are serious about hiring you. They never asked me how soon I could be available. They never asked what kind of salary I was looking for. They didn’t ask for references. I think they already had someone in mind and talked to me as a backup plan.
So dang disappointed!!
Later I recalled our conversation and emailed him. He sent me back her resignation letter and her boss’s response! So yes indeed she had quit that very day. (I guess he is dating this gal cause he was really sketching on how he was privy to all this information.) He also told me it was strictly personal and she was not quitting due to adverse work conditions.
I happened to also know the I.T. guy at the school and emailed him immediately to ask how I should proceed if I wanted to put my name in for the position. While I waited for his response, I looked around the school’s website and found the open book keeper position had already been posted! I quickly spruced up my resume, composed a cover letter and shot it over to the school via the internet per the instructions listed on the web page. Meanwhile my I.T. friend responded and I told him I had sent it and he said he would put in the good word for me.
At this point I am so excited. A job falling into my lap and an inside connection; how could I go wrong. At 4 pm I got a call from the school to set up an interview. My dreams were coming true; this might actually work out perfect for EVERYONE!
The very next day I took a long lunch break and went over for the interview. I thought it went well but salary was never discussed. I asked about the time frame for filling the job and they said they wanted it filled by next Thursday. I left feeling very positive that I had a real shot at the job and I mulled over how low I would be willing to go salary wise. A huge benefit of the job would be that I could work from 7:30 – 3:30 which coincides with my daughter’s school day so we would not have to hire after school care nor would she need to be dropped off on my way to work. Also, the school is about 4 miles from our house; so handy. It would be perfect!
All weekend long I was happy and excited but tried not to tell the whole world in fear I would jinx myself. Monday came and went and no word but that was fine. When Thursday came and went and I had not heard a peep my hopes were pretty much gone and disappointment was settling in.
This morning, the phone rang around 10 am and it was an unfamiliar number. I knew exactly what it was. I answered and sure enough, I was a great candidate but they chose someone else for the position. To say I am down is an understatement. I am CRUSHED, devastated. It would have been ideal. It is so hard to find a job here. I had started to pack my stuff…I was getting things in order so I could leave. UGH
In retrospect, I asked a ton of good questions and everyone seemed eager and happy at the interview, but they didn’t ask the questions you would expect if they are serious about hiring you. They never asked me how soon I could be available. They never asked what kind of salary I was looking for. They didn’t ask for references. I think they already had someone in mind and talked to me as a backup plan.
So dang disappointed!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)