Bad Parenting

When I was born in 1965 my mother was 34 years old  and my father was 40.  Back then she was ancient to be starting a family. Four years later when she gave birth to my baby brother she swears the nurses all came round to actually see the old woman who had given birth.    I ALWAYS had the oldest parents in my class. 

My father was raised dirt poor, served in WWII, put himself through college and  had already raised two kids with his former wife before I arrived.  In retrospect I am sure he had no interest in having more kids. 

My father was an alcoholic with very little patience for us and the whole house was always on alert to not piss him off.  We walked on egg shells.  My mother was co-dependent and encouraged us to be quiet and stay out of Papa's way if we knew what was good for us.

My father was quick to pop you up-side-the-head or knock you around if you angered him.  He usually gave no warning and I remember as a kid that often I would have no idea why he hit me.  Explanations were few and far between.  My mother always told me that I didn't have it that bad given the fact that Pop had actually broken my older brothers arm during one beating.  (I think my brother was about 16 and tried to fight back.)

One time I said "NO" to my father.  I don't remember why I did it.  I think I was just feeling relaxed and let it slip out.  He chased me from one end of the house to the other and beat me with a thick yard stick as I cowered on my bed with my arms over my head. I cried so hard I almost passed out.  I thought this was it....he was going to kill me. I was pretty sure he was going to kill me sooner or later.

When I was in 4th grade my father proceeded to announce that he was leaving.  I don't think I understood at first that he was never coming back.  But he didn't.  In fact he had VERY little to do with us after that.

Now my mom was a single parent and I know she did her best but......unfortunately I don't think she ever much cared for kids nor does she have a nurturing bone in her body.  She was all we had and she didn't leave us so for the most part it has been harder for me to comprehend that she also harmed me and my little brother.

She is a very intelligent woman who graduated from college in 3 years with an Electrical Engineering degree.  She had quit working when I came along which was standard protocol back then.  As soon as a woman started to show it was time to go.....they kicked them out of the office!

When I was a baby I think scheduled feedings were still in vogue.  If I happen to be hungry I just had to wait.  I am sure much crying was ignored in order to maintain the 4 hour gap.  I also think that parents were told not to hold their babies too much or they would be spoiled.  I believe I spend a lot of time in a playpen by myself.

I recently found out that my mother NEVER talked baby talk to us.  I am sure she meant well but it is not good for a child.

Growing up we had lots and lots of rules.  We weren't aloud in our parents bedroom, the office, the living room or the dining room.  If my mother was in her bedroom and you needed her you were to stand in the hall and talk from the doorway as if there was an imaginary gate there.  (To this date I don't walk in that room.)

We didn't dare talk while Pop was watching TV however we were usually allowed to talk during TV commercials.  I remember holding back the words was HARD and when the commercials came on we would bust open talking.  Of course you didn't say "NO" to your parents.  We were not allowed to complain, wine or express any displeasure about anything EVER!

Comments like these were VERY common in our home:
"Why can't you be more like Johnny?  Johnny is such a good kid!"
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about."
"You are just a kid....you can't possibly have any problems."
"What would the neighbors think............?"
"I could be doing [something fun] but instead I am stuck with you kids."
"You think you have it bad?  You have no idea what bad is!"
"I don't want to hear any lip outa you!"
"If you know what is good for you, you will ...........!"

NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER HUGGED.  There was very little touching going on. You didn't sit close on the couch and cuddle while watching TV.  Pop had his own chair.  Archie Bunker comes to mind.

When I was about 12 or so my mother went back to work.  She was a single mom and she needed the money.  Around this same time her mother died from cancer and my mother was also going through menopause.  I am pretty sure she was on some antidepressants.  To be honest she was a giant blob of goo in our house.  She would cry and want me to comfort her.  I remember feeling repulsed by her.

I look back now and realize she was going through a lot all by herself and I feel bad about not having more sympathy for her.  But as a young teenager you really need a parent at the helm....not one who is absent or sulking.

So some time around twelve years old I was pretty much on my own.  I don't think any parenting happened after that.

We lived in a nice 4 bedroom ranch home and went to the best school district.  My parents were products of the great depression and they surely knew about hardship like I have never seen.  They didn't mean to do anything wrong.  I know that.  They did their best.

But here is the thing.  They told me OVER AND OVER (through actions & words) that I was not a person....that my feeling didn't exist (not that they didn't matter but that they were not supposed to be there)....that I wasn't wanted. 

Hell I don't know how to heal my "inner child" cause she doesn't exist!!  My parents told me so!!!!