Stay at Home Mom

A long, long, time ago I stayed at home to take care of my infant son. I loved it and was happy to do so. Then my boyfriend, out of the blue, ran off with a neighbor’s wife and left me with our 3 year old son, no car, no driver’s license, no money and few options. I quickly applied for government assistance and got a job at the only place I could get one……working as a maid at a Sleep Cheep hotel. I didn’t mind the work and I was good at it, but it wasn’t enough money to really support two people. I also, mentally struggled with the idea that this man could just change his mind and we were suddenly destitute!

It didn’t take long for my mother to talk me into going back to school so I filled out a bunch of grant forms and started attending an inexpensive junior college. I was lucky enough to have my mother’s help or none of this would have been possible. She bought me a car so I could get to school and the government assistant offices and helped pay for child care so I could go to school.

When I graduated I got a job as an accounting clerk and finally had insurance and a decent paycheck. I still collected ADC because my ex did not pay any child support. We did OK on this rather small income because I know how to manage a budget; after all, I am an accountant.

Later I had a job that offered tuition reimbursement so I went back and got a BA in Accounting. For a few years, I worked full time and went to school in the evening. It was a lot of work and a huge undertaking, but I have never regretted getting that education. After I received the degree I got a job making twice as much money. I didn’t work any harder, just got paid more because I had a degree. Still, supporting us both we lived check to check.

A few years down the road, I got remarried. My husband was a social worker and did not make much money. He chose to have a profession where he was helping people rather than a lucrative position. I was doing pretty well at my job. When we decided to have kids, we worked it out so we would only need day care three days a week. He worked Wednesday – Saturday so the kids were home more than away. We considered dropping to one income but his income was not enough to keep our very small home (900 sq ft). We trudged on as part time parents and part time employees, sharing the burden, even though it would have certainly been great if we didn’t have to.

Later we got divorced so then we each had to work to keep our separate homes. So, once again, me being a stay at home mom was not possible. Did I really want a career? NO. Did I really want to work? No. Did I want to be with my kids? Hell yes. Did I have that option? No.

Finally, I find myself married and with a small child again. This time, obviously the last child I will ever give birth to and once again I don’t have the option to stay home. Am I angry? YES

My husband and I had both owned our own homes prior to getting married. We tried to sell the larger home for over a year and it would not sell. Finally, because two house payments were insane, we sold the smaller home. Now, we are stuck in the bigger home, with the bigger mortgage payment and we can’t sell it. I guess we could ruin our credit rating and let the house go into foreclosure to get rid of it but as an accountant that seems very drastic. I hope the market recovers and we can sell it. I hope to save up some money and be able to stay at home for a while. I just want to raise MY own child, not some day care or babysitter.

So, all you stay at home mothers who think all working moms don’t want to be home……please consider that you might just be wrong. Many, I would venture to say most, working moms would rather be stay at home moms but unfortunately the option is not available for one reason or another.

Also, all us working moms still do as much work at home as you do PLUS we have to put in 40 or more hours at our paying, away from home job too. So, don’t complain that you have it hard when you pick up toys all day. You don’t have it hard, you have it easy. If all I had to do was stay home in my PJs and watch my kids it would be a walk in the park compared to getting all that done in the evening or weekend and taking off work for doctors appointments, school conferences, etc.

And one last thing I have to rant and rave about. For God’s sake, all you stay at home moms, thank your husband’s over and over again for paying the bills so you don’t have to. Thank them and give them the credit for their contributions. You have the luxury of staying at home because you have someone to pay the bills for you. You are lucky and should acknowledge that!

Don't Be Sneaking Up on Me!

So yesterday my husband ran to work. Thus he also ran home from work. He had to run in the dark (gets dark at 5) so he wore a headlamp. He arrived home around 6:30 and I arrived about 15 minutes later. About 15 minutes after that, we heard our driveway alarm sound. This is odd because no one EVER just drops by our house; we live in the middle of nowhere. I looked out the bathroom window and saw no car in the driveway and at the same time my husband peered out the front window and agreed nothing was there. Weird.

We went back to sipping our beers and chatting about our days. Then about 15 or 20 minutes later there was a light knock on the front door. So light I wasn’t sure I even heard it. My husband jumped up and answered the door. I am more suspicious and probably would not have been so bold. I was around the corner listening and I heard talk of a flashlight and my husband buzzed around the corner, grabbed his headlamp and I gave him a confused look. He told me it was a police officer. I was dumbfounded.

(photo of husband suited up for winter biking or running)

They chatted a minute longer and then the officer left and my husband rejoined me in the kitchen and reported that the neighbors had called the police after seeing someone with a flashlight nosing around our house. Which of course was just my husband coming home from work. As the cops left, the driveway alarm sounded again and you still could not see a car; they were backing out with their lights off too. Rather sneaky and weird if you ask me. Then, Husband looked harder and said he could see two more cars in the road. So, there were 3 police cars that had snuck up and “surrounded” my home. My husband was thrilled the neighbors were looking out for us. I was not so thrilled.

Here is my opinion:

1) If a real criminal had been breaking in they would have been long gone by the time the police arrived. They arrived at least 25 minutes after my husband did.

2) What in the hell were the cops doing outside our house for 15 or 20 minutes before they knocked on the door? We were in the kitchen with all the overhead house lights on. We were talking to each other and the toddler, eating dinner and having a beer. We were obviously the home owners not some robbers. Also, there are NO curtains on the windows, just valances, so a quick look in (say less than a minutes) was all they needed to determine a burglary was not in process. So again……what the hell were they out there doing?

3) Why knock and not ring the bell?

4) Why pull in the driveway with your lights off and why bring 3 cars? I guess they thought there was a crime taking place so they pulled in with lights off so as not to alarm the thieves. However, it creeps me out to think I am relaxing in my own home and an armed man is sneaking onto my property!

I really don’t trust police officers at all. I always worry that they will either a) see something that they don’t like and it will set them off or b) be looking for someone to arrest so plant something on our property to give them a reason to arrest us. I just figure they are all wacked out idiots who think they are above the law and would love to give me a hard time. I find them scary and would prefer they just stay the hell away from me and mine.

4 Weeks and the Bubble Burst

After the meltdown on the Friday before the husband and kid ditched me it seemed like things started to go smoother. The last week of October and the first week of November the husband was quite agreeable. I really have no idea why. At first I thought maybe I was just feeling optimistic. I had reconnected with an old high school buddy and we were doing some innocent flirting and once again I was feeling attractive and desirable. Maybe that was rubbing off into my marriage?

The husband did an adventure race the first weekend of November and then he had a hunting trip the second weekend of November. So he was having his fun. I tagged along on one day of the hunting trip because he was in the small town where he had attended college. We had a very nice time. We left the toddler with Grandma and he showed me where he used to live, where his ex-wife lived when they were dating, where his frat house was and we even had a beer at his favorite tavern. I felt like a real wife that he loved and wanted to share his life with. He seemed so affectionate and caring.

By mid November I was so excited that we had had several weeks of what I felt was a very positive and loving marriage that I even called him and told him I was happy and felt things were going so well. He agreed. I was on top of the world. We both seemed happy and satisfied.

Then, and I had a feeling this was a bad move, I asked for some time in return. I planned a shopping trip to STL where my mother lives. I really wanted to get some new winter shoes and shopping is very limited in the small college town that we live in. Me and Ramone drove out to STL on Saturday morning and shopped all day and then went to the City Museum Saturday evening. I had heard so many great things about it and I finally had a chance to check it out. It was very cool. We drove home Sunday morning and I was at the house by 9 am. Husband had left to pick up the deer meat and it was sunny and over 50 degrees so I threw on my running gear and headed down the road. I was in the best mood but I feared he would be foul when he returned especially if I was not at the house. I ran fast and got home as he pulled in the driveway. I helped him unload the meat and he was fairly quiet. I was happy to be home and feeling exhilarated from the great weather and my run. I was perky and he finally said something to me like “you are too wound up”. He was in a bad mood and my feelings were hurt and thus…….the bubble burst.

I assumed he was angry from a whole day alone home with the toddler but he told me he was sick. I could see no signs of sickness. He started to go for a bike ride and bailed telling me he didn’t feel like it. Again, he did not mention he was sick, just not in the mood. He piddled in the yard and kept away from me and the girls; which was fine since he was grumpy. I was sad, but tried not to let it get me down.

Later I found out that while I was gone he had gone to Otters house and ditched Bean with Otters wife while he and Otter went for a big long trail run. Of course he did not tell me he went for a run and only mentioned going over there after Bean said something about seeing some girls.

The rest of the week his mood really never improved and it was right back to the old ways of him being grumpy and judgmental and non communicative; and me feeling like I live in a loveless marriage.

The final straw came last Saturday. He had to work so I took Bean to the gym and then we piddled around at the Dick’s store so he would have the house quite to work. We had lunch at McDonalds and went home for nap time. Daddy headed out on his bike and I took a nap. When he returned I invited him to the park with us and he said no. We went anyway and had a nice time. I took so many cute photos of Bean!



After the park we grabbed dinner at Arby’s because I knew there was no point in going home. He was crabby and the longer I stayed away the happier I would be. Sunday morning he didn’t want to go to the grocery store with me and I lost it. I started a big old fight. He said I was unpleasant and judgmental. I tried not to get defensive because I know his tactics. In the long run I made it clear that I just wanted to live with someone who liked me and wanted to talk to me and would spend time with me. He seemed to get it. He has been nicer the last few days.

Feeling Unloved and Unappreciated

~

October was a busy month. First, my old roommate Sara was in town for a week. God it was great to see her. It was great to spend time with a REAL friend, someone who gets me, someone who is like me, someone who I feel accepted by and can just let go. We drank too much and ate too much and talked for hours and hours. It was so what I needed; reminded me that not everyone thinks badly of me.

Then, I spent an amazing week in NYC on vacation. First, before I delve into talking about the vacation, I have to tell you why I ended up vacationing by myself in New York City. Back in August I was discussing with the husband how desperately I wanted to take a vacation and how I couldn’t understand why he was so uninterested in putting together a plan. After a lengthy talk, where I asked questions and pried answers from the non communicative man, I finally figured out his hitch with the whole vacation thing. When I think of vacationing, I think of going to some location of interest and exploring it and seeing the sights. Be it a city or the Grand Canyon, I think it is cool to see the sights that people talk about, the stuff that make it famous. The husband tells me he has no interest in touristy things and only wants to burn vacation time if he can paddle his boat or ride a bike. So there you have it……..he only cares to do his hobbies. (Isn’t he the most self centered person in the world?) I kind of figure you can do those at home so why travel to do them. So, long story short, we see vacations in a totally different way. This is a sad revelation at this point in our relationship and if the man was a better communicator he would have explained this to me years ago. But, he didn’t and now I must make the best of it.

So, I have an old friend from high school that lives in NYC for the time being. I went and stayed with him and his roommate. Free place to stay in New York City and I did not waste any time booking my airfare; which was only $200. Can you believe it? My old high school buddy is currently unemployed so I tried to pay for a lot of his stuff, but still, the trip was cheap and I loved NYC. It really is an amazing place. So many people and so many things going on and it’s all right there……crammed in a small space. The logistics that make that place work are mind blowing. We did all the important things too; we went up in the Empire State building, went to Macy’s, Central Park, MoMA, Guggenheim, rode on the subways a lot, got my picture with the bull on Wall Street, visited the site where John Lennon was shot, rode the Statton Island Ferry, Grand Central, you name it, we did it. One of the coolest things was we got to go inside the Flatiron Building because the roommate works there. I really fell in love with NYC and before I went there, I really didn’t think I would like it so much.

View of Empire State building from inside Flatiron.


When I first left on vacation, I was so ready to get away from home, kids and the daily grind. I got of the plane in NYC and was just grinning like a kid. I was so excited to be off on an adventure……finally. However, after a few days I really started to get homesick and I felt the fellows I was staying with were getting tired of me being underfoot. Meanwhile, Bean would not talk to me on the phone and Daddy kept telling me they were doing “Great”….an almost too enthusiastic great. Now, with the husband, you don’t know if he is telling you the truth and they really are doing well or he is just telling you what he thinks he should. Whatever the case, I was feeling unneeded at home and unwanted in NYC and even tried to book an earlier flight back, but decided I really didn’t want to spend a few hundred bucks to get home a day early. The day I did leave, I got to the airport hours ahead of time just to be safe and so I could finally make some forward progress towards getting home.

After an uneventful trip home, they hardly noticed that I was back. It was obviously they didn’t miss me. He spoiled her while I was gone and she ate it up. They spent the weekend with Grandma and Grandpa because the husband is really not emotionally up for being trapped for the weekend in the house with the toddler. I am sure he biked and ran and whatever while Grandma took her turn spoiling the child rotten.

At home, for the most part, I am the only one that sets up and enforces rules. I am the only one that tells her no. I am the bad guy, and Daddy just gives in to her. He actually makes my job harder by doing this…..I am not sure he even realized that!

The other morning my husband and my daughter were fawning all over each other, loving and hugging and kissing and giggling. I am happy they love each other, but it really is generally to my exclusion. I get tired of feeling like the odd man out. I still wonder if he didn’t marry me just so he could be with her. Someday he will probably brag about how he sacrificed all those years of his life with a woman he didn’t love just so he could be with his daughter every day. He will make it sound like he is some sort of hero. He can make anything sound like he is a hero, even when he is really being a jerk.

To top it all off, the weekend after I got back, he was due to go back out by his parent’s house to participate in a boat race. He was eager to take Bean with him and I really wanted to spend time with her and him. I was upset that they were leaving, but had tons of things to do here in town so I could not go along. I grudgingly let them leave, but had a bit of a meltdown before they did. They seemed too happy to leave me.

I just want to feel needed and appreciated that’s all. It doesn’t seem like a big request. I really do work my butt off for my family, my kids and mostly the husband and toddler. I do most all the housework and the cooking. I do almost all the shopping and cleaning. I do all the planning and organizing. I work full time and keep up with 3 busy children’s lives. I know the teens don’t need me to drop them off every day, but they still have appointments, banquets, forms to fill out, school pictures to order, parades to attend, camps to pay for, clothes that need buying, etc. etc. Trust me; they are still plenty of work.

I Deserve a Break

When I was 16 I had my first child and even before that I worked full time in a pizza restaurant while I was attending high school full time. Later I worked full time and put myself through college by taking evening classes while raising my son as a single parent. When the two middle kids came along, my husband had a low paying job and I had to work. I was the primary bread winner. Later we divorced so I was back to being the sole supporter of my household.

So, in the fall of 2007, when I had Baby Bean, I wanted to stay home and just be a mom and not worry about anything but doting on my last little newborn child I would ever bring home from the hospital. I have worked really hard for most all of my life and I think I deserve a break.

Sadly, the housing market crashed right before her birth and we were sitting on two houses and making two house payments with no end in sight. The house was listed for sale, but no one ever made me a serious offer. So, financially I could not swing quitting my job to enjoy my magical time with my infant.

Later, after we sold the other house and had more options financially, I kind of decided that I still would love to take some time off and stay home with my toddler. You know, relax for a year or two before my sweet little girl headed off to kindergarten and I blinked and she was in high school.

The company I work for is owned by a man who has ridiculous spending habits and I firmly believe it is just a matter of time before he sinks the ship and is required to file for bankruptcy. The negative spiral of the economy has only strengthened my opinion that this company will not make it in the long run.

So, I decided that rather than discuss taking time off with my husband (who would not be happy about it), or quitting my job, I would just wait for my job to run out. Besides, it is easier to tell my next potential employer that the company went under than it is to explain why I quite. In the meantime I would collect a check and save up a little cash reserve to help me really enjoy my time off. They pay me well for not doing much around here so it is really not such a bad job in many ways. I decided that when the place went belly up I would start looking for a new job at a leisurely pace. No rush to get back into the working world I would finally be getting my opportunity to slow down and really enjoy my family and my kids; the break I have earned and deserve.

Then, in the fall of 2009, my husband was offered, and took, a fellowship at the university. He told me up front he really didn’t want to do the work to earn his PHD, but he thought he should accept it because it would look good on his resume and besides, he logiced, maybe once he dug into it he would find the enthusiasm to complete it after all. So he started working part time and attending school again. He had some money saved up and was still earning a partial paycheck so I was not overly concerned about money so I still had my plan……the plan that would hopefully give me a long vacation from the daily rat race of working America.

As the semester progressed I watched my husband struggle to do his homework and keep motivated about any of it. I knew he hated his job and I knew he was not “getting into” his PHD program. He vowed he would drop out at the end of the semester. I knew if he didn’t really want to do it there was nothing I could do to change his mind and I supported his decision to quit the PHD program. I looked forward to the day he would no longer be crushed with this responsibility he had taken on.

Then, next thing I knew, he quit his job. He never actually discussed it with me nor did he actually come home one day and say “well, I had to quite”. He told me some rather cryptic things and his secretary told me he left his keys on his desk and he had brought home boxes of stuff from his office. I put it all together. When I asked him about it he told me that he had already quit his job to take the PHD fellowship so he was pretty sure that once he quit the PHD program that was it, he was done. However, his boss kept asking him to work on projects and he did so off and on all winter. He was also home and doing projects around the house which was kind of nice. With all this free time he was more relaxed and agreeable than ever.

During this time he half heartedly looked for another job and I was actually glad that I still had my job. I didn’t want both of us to be unemployed with no insurance. After all, we live in a larger house and have a good sized mortgage payment. Besides, I do not look forward to trying to sell the house AGAIN; it went so badly last time that we ultimately gave up. And on top of all that, with the poor economy, finding a new job is a scarier proposition than it ever has been.

I assumed he would find a new job here in our little town, or he would finally decide to start looking for a job in a bigger city with more opportunities. I assumed he would tire of not having a REAL job or at least get tired of living out of his savings. I really didn’t think he would just keep “coasting” forever.

In the spring of 2010 his boss gave him an ultimatum. He said he either had to get back in the office and take his old job back or he was no longer going to work with him. My husband grudgingly moved back to his office and started to “go” to work every day. Later I found out that his boss had not really re-hired him. It is my understanding that the boss told my husband that my husband should complete all the necessary paperwork to make the human resources department happy so he would be back on the payroll. My husband did not really want his old job back so he put off the paperwork and pondered his other options. Now, some months later, I am not sure he is being paid at all for the work he is doing even though he goes to the office daily. He may be getting paid as a consultant, not an employee, as he did set up a bank account for a company he made up. I know he does not have health insurance which I find rather irritating and irresponsible of him. I am starting to wonder when he will decide to act like a grown up, the father of this family, and get a real job and stop playing games.

So now, here I sit still working and wondering when my company goes down the tubes what I will do. I will not have health insurance either. I think at my age it is important to keep insurance coverage. You know, the minute I am without it, they will find breast cancer or some such crap. I am also a bit miffed that he somehow got to be the irresponsible one who took time off and I didn’t. I had been craving it for years…….and I really felt it was my turn. For once in my life I just wanted to be taken care of a little; be the one who took some time for themselves; be the one that others took care of. I mean really, he went 35 years of life with no kids. His whole life has been a vacation if you ask me. I want my time…….my time to be irresponsible.

Part of me feels like I should just not worry about it; if I am out of work and without insurance who cares. I will make do. I have savings. I have skills. I will be fine. We won’t end up homeless no matter what. Worse case we end up living with the grandparents which wouldn’t be ideal but it is not the end of the world either. Then again, I worry that it may be one of those things that I look back and say “what the hell was I thinking!” I knew better. He was being a child and one of us should have been the adult. (Flash back to letting Friss be a man and take care of a family on his own…..bad idea!)

Then again, I am so responsible and capable that those around me tend to lean on me. Maybe if I quit acting like I have everything under control someone else will jump in and help me out and take some of the responsibly off my shoulders. I really am tired……..tired of the burdens of adulthood and tired of feeling it is ALWAYS me that has to get it done and make it happen and be the capable adult.

I can second guess everything I think and do!!! What is ever really the right choice?

The Truth Is.....

This is my husband dressed and ready to leave on a bike ride.

This is a comment he made to me today in an e-mail.

"You make me very happy and I will never leave you......I am like a lamprey eel......always there....and I suck."

I laughed and smiled. Funny, he knows how bad he sucks and good for him for admitting it.
I really do love him a lot even if he is a total pain in my ass!

The Story of the Smart Phone

About a month ago, my husband came home and told me that his cell phone was about dead and he would buy me that iPhone I had been pining for if I would give him my phone. Or, he suggested, if I really wanted to keep my current phone, he would just buy a tuffy type phone so he could be harder on it without concerns of breaking it.

In all honesty, the first time he told me this, I did not even believe him………at least that he would buy me a smart phone anyway.

After he mentioned it again, I got to thinking that Ramone’s phone is a total POS so maybe we could give my phone to her and I could buy my husband a tuffy phone and me an iPhone. Everyone is happy that way and this would save him some money up front. I was willing to pay for the phones since he pays the monthly operational charges.

He wasn’t real excited by my new plan so we stewed on it all a bit longer and in the meantime, Ramone got a new phone for free by having her dad renew her contract. She was thrilled with her new phone that has a touch screen instead of a number pad; not a smart phone but still very cool.

So now I was back to looking at phones for me. I considered my options and started thinking I really only need a phone for phone calls, since I spend every day at work parked in front of a computer with lightening fast internet, so it is just a waste of money to pay an extra $30 a month for a smart phone. I went home and told my husband I was not really dying for an iPhone despite my previous comments. That I was really just whining because everyone around me had one and I was feeling left out. But did I really need one? No. Did I REALLY want one? Not enough to pay $360 more a year for it.

Again, the subject was shelved for a while. Then one day, my husband did not get some groceries or something and then later wanted me to pick them up. I am convinced he does this systematically to save himself some money because, really, we have our own accounts and we don’t actually “share” our money. We have things split up like he pays for groceries and utilities and I make the house payment. So, every time he can trick me in to buying groceries, it results in more money still in his checking account. Then I started thinking about the phone again and how he would be paying the extra $360 per year, not me. Maybe it would make me feel less used when I pick up that extra mid week load of groceries if he were paying for my fancy smancy smart phone.

Fine, I DO want a smart phone; now to decide on which one. We currently use AT&T and we need to stick with them so I only looked at what they had to offer and it boiled down to two choices: The iPhone from Apple or the Android equivalent which is the Samsung Captivate. It was a tossup for me and finally my husband told me he would rather not buy an Apple product so I declared….”I want the Samsung Captivate!”
We went and picked it up last weekend. I still could not believe he was being so nice and generous by buying me this $200 telephone. It is just not like him to put forth any effort or money for anything that does not benefit him directly. (I am still wondering what his real angle is????)

Then, 3 days after I got my new phone, his secretary and I had a brief conversation and I marveled out loud about how generous my husband had been for buying me the phone. She replied that he had told the office that I MADE him buy it for me. When I heard this I wasn’t surprised, in fact, it is totally what I should have expected. He has a tendency to want to make himself out to be a martyr; a non selfish person despite the fact that he really is a VERY self centered soul. But to do it at my expense made me rather angry. I mean really, how does that make me look to his office mates?

So, now the shiny joy of receiving this selfless phone from my husband for my birthday has been replaced by the gnawing feeling that everyone at his office thinks I’m one of those demanding selfish, bitchy, wives who manipulates her husband into doing everything her way.

Sigh.

Breath Deep

Today my husband was called into work all day so I was left home, alone with a crabby, oppositional toddler and a new phone that is super cool yet frustrating the hell out of me. In the long run the phone will be great but the learning curve is killing me. This phone is very different from my old one.

For some reason I was very short on patience all day. I wondered if it was just stress from the phone, but I really don’t think that was it. I am also very tired from the big bike outing so that may be contributing to my feeling irritable. Deep down inside I suspect it is just feeling trapped in this house with a toddler and nowhere to go and nothing to do and feeling lonely, depressed, bored.

Also, a super sad event happened today……some wild animal snuck up out of the woods and took one of our chickens for dinner. We found a pile of feathers where a struggle had occurred and our poor little Rhode Island Red is gone. I am really sad at the loss of one of our sweet little hens and more importantly, I am worried that the wild critter will come back for another meal now that he knows how yummy our fat, happy chickens are.

Biking Date & Birthday Present

A month ago I signed me and the husband up to do a fund rasier bike ride together......like a real couple, you know, doing things TOGETHER. I was really looking forward to this and it was well timed given the depressing day I had yesterday.

So, this morning we had Ramone keep the Bean and we headed out with our bicycles. The ride started promptly at 7:30 and we stuck towards the front and drafted in with the fast guys. It sure is fun to ride in a pack when you know what you’re doing. You can really go faster than you ever imagined.

Around mile 8 my husband got a flat. I started to stop with him but he told me to stay with the group and he would catch up. So I did, knowing full well he would have a VERY hard time catching up because we were doing over 20 mph.....he was signing up for some suffering.

I stayed in the pack until around mile 15 when I just couldn’t keep it up anymore. I have only been on one really fast ride since Beanie was born so this was hard work for me. I dropped off the pack about the same time that an old friend named Clink did so we rode together until the next rest stop when my husband finally caught us.

After a quick stop, we hit the road again, with the husband pulling, I jumped on his wheel and we were speeding along again at about 20 mph. Clink jumped on too and we put the next 8 or 9 miles away really fast. Then the guys started yapping about doing brevets (super long bike rides) and I just listened. I was glad they slowed down a little because I needed to save a little for the end.

At the next turn off the boys headed down the hill and I did not. They were going to bike down to the river and then back up. It is a BIG, long hill that I have climbed before, but I knew I would just die if I did it now. I stopped at the rest stop and drank some Gatorade and ate a fig Newton while chatting with the nice boys manning the stop. I felt silly with big lumps in my back pockets because I had packed my own snacks forgetting this was a supported ride……duh.

After a 10 minute rest I got back on my bike and headed down the road at a leisurely pace. The plan was for my husband to catch back up again and for me to get some recovery time. As I rode I decided that if he didn’t catch me by the next rest stop I would wait for him. I cruised along at a comfortable speed. This part of the course is really hilly and I even passed a few good riders. I was pleasantly surprised at how well I was doing.

When I got to the last rest stop I put my bike down, grabbed a drink and took my shoe off to rub out some soreness. I looked up and there was my husband already. I thought he would be farther behind but I was glad to see him. He told me he had flatted AGAIN on the way down the big hill so he changed his tire and just turned around. He said he thought he could catch me and we could ride together but instead he was right behind me the whole way back. Shoot!! I wish I would have known that I would have waited for him sooner.

We left the last rest stop and again I jumped on his wheel and we hammered out the last few miles back to the start for the complementary ice cream. On this section we saw a huge, 8 foot round, black trampoline out by the road stuck in the fence row. It had obviously blown there in the storm the night before. It was pretty impressive to see.

So my stats are: distance = 45 miles, average speed 17.1 mph. I was pretty happy with that since the route is pretty hilly in parts and I have not ridden more than 30 miles at a time since Bean was born!!

After the ride, we went home to find the girls in good shape and best of all…….Ramone had even been cleaning up behind the destructive little demon. I was soooo proud of Ramone.

Later in the day, my dear sweet husband and I went to the AT&T store and picked up my birthday present, a new smart phone, the Samsung Captivate. It is basically the same as an iphone, but it is from Google instead of Apple. I was excited to get it today so I can spend some time tomorrow getting it all figured out. Funniest thing; we could not figure out how to answer an incoming call with the darn thing, both of us poking it like mad and nothing happening. I finally I had to get on the internet and look it up. You have SLIDE the button, not tap it, to answer an incoming call. Sigh.

It Could be Worse.........

She could look like this!

And there she was looking SO happy!

Today, at work, I was bored so I decided to burn a few minutes looking at Runner's World online. I was just looking for something simple to read or look at.....something about running. On their home page down in the lower right hand corner there was a photo link so I picked it thinking it might be fun to see what was on there. The very first photo was someone named Jill. Now the Xboyfriend’s wife talks about her running buddy named Jill all the time so that was the first person I thought of when I saw the name Jill. I also assumed that there was NO way in hell that it could be the same Jill; I mean really, what are the odds. Then I read a little more to see she lives in Denver Colorado. Seriously? I guess it could be Jill. There was a link to her blog below her photo so of course I clicked in it. She had been a contributor to the RW magazine and that is why she was hooked up to their site. I clicked the blog and sure enough……..it IS the Xboyrfriend’s wife’s friend Jill!!! In fact, they had just done a half marathon in Idaho Springs so the top article was all about the race and it was littered with photos of Tara and her friends having a blast.

Seeing this made we want to cry. Ok, I did cry. I’ll tell you why it upset me…….because I want to live in a glamorous place like Denver and be near the mountains; because I want to have friends who are practically famous; because I want to have a more adventuresome life; because I want a husband that would support me if I wanted to train for a marathon. In short, I am jealous!

I still feel like she stole my life. I know it is wrong. I know it is stupid. I know I need to get over it. I know. I KNOW!! But it still hurts and I am still not happy enough with my life that I don’t give a shit about her life. I hope someday that will come. I really, REALLY do!

And to add insult to injury, I didn’t go looking for an article about the X or his wife……but I just had to accidently get one stuffed in my face. Thanks for nothing Fate.

Here is the link:
http://www.runwithjill.blogspot.com/

the article is Sunday Aug 15th.......Tara is the blonde.

Friday the 13th

Today at lunch time my boss left for the day and I dashed over to Ramone's house to work on the kitchen some more. When I got there she was ready to help so we really dove in deep with hopes of getting the bulk of it done.

She started with the pantry finding many bow tie pasta out loose wandering around and a bag of potatoes trying desperately to get someone's attention with the odor they were emitting……OMG it was gross. We found, and I am not lying, a can of vegetables that expired in 1996 (around the time we got divorced). We vigorously pitched anything that was old, mostly empty, or just plain gross. In the end, there was less in the pantry than in the trash.

While Ramone was busting her butt with the canned and boxed goods, I was working on small appliances, pots and pans. I threw out more than one Teflon coated pan that was flaking to pieces and made sure to explain to Ramone that such pans are dangerous for your health. Don’t worry; they had 6 more frying pans that did not look too bad.

We also pitched out dozens of little spice bottles. Ramone told me they had a huge collection and when I saw them I recognized them as the spices from a rack that we got back in 1991 when we purchased our first home back in St. Louis. Amazing that this stuff has been packed and moved for so many times!

spices before

spices after

We wiped out the cabinets and put things back in more logical locations. We got all the stuff off the counter by making places in the cabinets for it. We stowed the cereal boxes that had been on top of the fridge in the new roomier pantry.

In the midst of this activity, I told Ramone that maybe I was nuts, but I was having fun. She admitted she was having fun too. I was elated. I sure hope these kids take better care of their own homes when they get them. I hope I am a good example for them and I hope that they understand the value of having some order and cleanliness in their lives.

I took a two hour lunch and hauled 6 more bags of trash back to the work dumpster when I returned. In the long run, the ex husband seemed grateful and even promised to clean the refrigerator out this weekend. I guess he isn’t such a bad guy after all.

I am also thrilled that Ramone and I got almost the whole kitchen cleaned and reorganized in our spare time. We didn’t burn up a whole weekend or stay up until midnight like I envisioned it going down. It was all done during lunch breaks or at times when we had a few minutes to kill between scheduled activities. So the other lesson here is……..being clean does not suck up all your free time!

TOO MUCH STUFF

Recently, I read an article on the internet about a couple that gave away most of their stuff. They even decided to get rid of their TV. They live in a small, sparsely furnish apartment in Portland and don’t even own cars instead choosing to commute on bicycles. They say it is the best thing they ever did and that they are happier than ever before. They are debt free and can live off of $16,000 per year!

Call me crazy, but I am jealous of these people and I totally think I would be happier with less stuff and a simpler life. I even discussed it with my husband whose response was “that is why I hate shopping and never want you to buy things”. I took it a step farther and suggested we might get rid of some stuff and he said there was no point in getting rid of perfectly good things that we have already paid for. I understand his point and don’t disagree. And, I already do get rid of things more often than most people…..if I never use it; I want it out of my way. The conversation ended there and I vowed to buy less even when it seems like a great idea.

For example, a few months ago I went out and purchased a new set of queen size bed sheets. We have two queen size beds and two sets of sheets and I had decided that a spare set of sheets was a good idea just in case I had an emergency and wanted to swap to clean sheets quickly. Now the new sheets sit in the closet and are never used. I certainly could have lived without that spare set of queen sheets since I usually wash the old ones on the weekend and then put them back on the bed. If I should puke on the bed in the middle of the night and not be too terribly sick I guess I would pat myself on the back for having a spare set to throw on in a pinch, but the chances of that ever happening are slim to none. In real life if I puke and feel like crap I would strip the bed and move to the couch feeling too ill to mess with remaking the bed.

A few days later I was at my ex husbands house caring for Ramone. I had brought her some dinner and was preparing to drive her up to her high school for band practice. While I was there the kitchen upset me greatly because it was such a disgusting mess. The sink was overflowing with filthy old dishes and the dishwasher was full too. The counter was a sticky mess all covered with debris. The shelves in the door of the fridge are gone and the door to the oven sits askew. Trash litters the place everywhere you look and it appears that nothing has ever been cleaned. In shot……. It’s repulsive.

This photo was taken after some cleaning was done.....it was piled much higher on Monday.

I really hate that my kids live this way but mostly I feel helpless about it since it is not my house. I had once considered hiring a maid to clean their dad’s house but my friend volunteered and I could not do that to her……it would just be too cruel. Heck, I would feel awful sending even a complete stranger into that house to deal with the mess. Also, I worry that if I show up and fix things that they will never do anything that is not fun for them instead assuming if they wait long enough I will do it for them. I don’t want to be an enabler!

Suddenly, in a flash, it came to me……….they need less stuff! I know that the kitchen is full of old pans and pots and way more stuff than they need. The more dishes they have the longer they can get by with piling them high instead of washing them. The cabinets are stocked with lids for plastic storage bowls that have long since melted or cracked. The gadget drawer is littered with taco sauce packets and soy sauce packets. The dishes and silverware are all mismatched so they don’t stack neatly in the cabinets or drawers. If there was less stuff and more uniform stuff the place would just have to be in better order.

I though it over and decided I would clean, sort, organize and get rid of stuff in the kitchen for them. It wouldn’t cost me a cent and I was willing to give my time up so they might live in less of squalor. I assumed the ex husband would be grateful for the help since he seems to be overwhelmed by it all. I even talked it over with Ramone who loved the idea. I told her we could buy new storage container if we could just throw all the old mismatched ones out and she was thrilled.

I had a great sense of accomplishment last night when I had a ½ hour to kill and spent it at their house cleaning out two drawers. I threw out the 4 sets of measuring cups that were missing some of the cups and kept only the best looking one. At least one of the sets was as old as Friss! I threw out some broken Popsicle makers, old take out condiment packets, cheap cookie cutters and numerous other junky or repetitive things. I threw out the oven mitt that was half burned up and a partially melted water bottle that was shoved in the cabinet. Ramone told me the blender did not work so I threw it out too and promised them a new one. I hauled 3 bags of trash out and no one even knew it except Ramone who had helped. I felt better already. Two drawers were wiped out and looking pretty sharp.

Today I took Ramone to the store and she picked out a new set of silverware and a silverware tray for that drawer. I then phoned her dad and told him I had bought him a new matching set of silverware and he could throw out the old bent and broken ones. His response was not what I expected. Instead of being grateful, he told me he could not get rid of the old mismatched silverware and that I was just adding to the problem by bringing more stuff into the house. I assured him that he could just pitch the old ones and he would be fine. I reminded him that there were 10 different patterns of battered old second hand silverware that he surely did not have an emotional attachment to so he should be happy that I got him some new. He said he would pack it away just in case, “Just in case….what does that mean?” I asked. I reminded him that saving it would defeat the purpose of less clutter. His voice sounded frantic as he confesses to me that he COULD NOT part with the old stuff. I then realized HE IS A HOARDER!! All this time I thought he was too lazy or lacked organizational skills but what was really going on was……….he has an emotional aversion towards getting rid of things.

We had this conversation on the phone in the middle of the afternoon and the man really irritated me (which is not unusual) but the more it sunk in the more upset I became. I never thought he was good at housekeeping or had an organized bone in his body but I had not realized he was actually mentally ill in this manner. I mean when you boil it down……..he has a mental illness!

I sat at my desk thinking that the only thing I wanted to do was give them a better life by making their kitchen a more pleasant place; by making it easier to keep clean and organized. And the end result is the ex husband is mad at me and I now have the realization that he is a screwed up hoarder type person. Even after all these years, the man can still let me down and upset me with his lack of ability in life.

I actually cried this afternoon………..I cried because I work so hard and I feel like I never get anywhere. I cried because I want them to have normal lives and I feel I am not providing it for them. I cried that all I want to do is help and no one appreciates me, understands my motives or listens to my advice.

My current husband told me that it’s not my kitchen and I should just butt out. I explained to him that it is hard to sit by and do NOTHING when it is YOUR own kids involved. I know he understand to a degree but he is still without sympathy for my plight (no surprise here) which just sucks.

It has been about 13 years since I got divorced and I have been struggling all this time to raise kids back and forth between two very different households. When I was only 25 years old I married this man because he was so kind and generous and only after we had two children did I realize that we were so different we could never be happy living in the same home. I have never regretted divorcing him but I have often regretted not just taking my kids from him, finding a new job (which would have required relocating) and just writing him off completely. He loves his kids and he means well, but I often feel that my efforts to let him be their father have resulted in more harm than good. He certainly teaches them all kinds of things I think are just plain wrong, like it is OK to be lazy, helpless and not care for your belongings.

This is their laundry room........so gross I can not look at it.

Lies.....more lies

Tonight after work, my husband did one of my best friends a huge favor by going over to her house and cutting down some old trees on her property. He took a chainsaw, a ladder and a pole saw and worked his ass off in 100+ degree heat for a few hours. I was so happy that he helped her out and proud of him for being so generous.

At 8 pm I had to leave to go take Ramone home from band practice at school so I left the husband and the friend on the porch drinking a beer together.

Later, I found out that he had actually smoked some weed with her. Now this alone is not what is upsetting to me……..what is upsetting is that he also told her he had some weed that an old friend had recently given him and that she should stop by sometime and smoke some at our house.

I really don’t care if from time to time he smokes a little pot, but I do care that he is sneaking some pot home from Bill’s house and not telling me what is going on. It is sneaky and deceptive and only adds to my issues with trusting him.

Also, now I know the real reason why he wanted to get rid of me!!

Weekend Recap

Friday night I made a batch of salsa all by myself. The spousal unit did not help me one bit, in fact he even refused to sample it and tell me what else it needed. Yea, although he was not totally ignoring me he was still being a bit of a jerk. On Saturday I gave the salsa another taste and decided it needed more sugar. After that it was just perfect and later in the day my husband did finally eat some.

Saturday morning I did my usual “Krack of Dawn” bike ride at 6 am. We had a great turn out and the ride was super fun. After that I rushed home not knowing what mood the husband would be in. I found him to be pleasant, but ready to leave for his turn at biking. On Saturdays we have adopted this schedule where I bike from 6-9 am and he gets the rest of the day. He ended up doing a 100 mile loop and did not return home until after 3 pm.

Saturday evening everyone was in a good mood and together we did our shopping and cooking for the weekend.

Sunday we drove to St. Louis to purchase a nice fluid trainer for bicycling indoors. My husband had found it on the internet and it was a screaming great deal. In an effort to make the drive more fruitful, we also took the toddler to the Zoo for the first time. She liked it for a few house and then tuned out. Small children have small attention spans……I had almost forgot but she reminded me.

After the zoo and picking up the trainer, we drove to the suburbs so my husband could visit with his old college roommate Bill. My husband asked me what I was going to do while he hung out with Bill and I was a bit miffed that I was getting shipped off, but I understand that catching up with old friend can be really boring if you never knew the guy. So I dropped him at Bills and took the toddler shopping for fun. We went to the pet store and looked at puppies, the toy store and sat on all the riding toys. The Bean also had the best time trying on shoes for about 45 minutes. When I thought I could stand it no more, I went to fetch my husband and got invited in for a few minutes which made me feel much better.

The toddler napped part of the 2 hour drive home and all in all I would say the weekend was pretty good.

Time...Precious Time

This morning, I got up to run and my husband acted totally grumpy about it. Now he is not the type to actually tell me he is angry; in fact, he won’t say a word to me. He just lets the negative vibe come out in full force while simultaneously turning on the “I’m ignoring you” act.

The whole time I was running I was stewing on what had kicked him off his happy train so as soon as I got home I asked him again why the foul mood for the past few days?

This is what he told me…….
“If you run Thursday and Friday morning and cycle Thursday evening and Saturday morning then I can’t work out for over 2 days in a row……….well, I could Friday night, but that is the start of the weekend and not generally a time I like to work out.”

So, this I can believe will make him grumpy but it still did not answer the whole reason of what is going on. For example, why be angry Thursday evening when he did not even know I would be running on Friday morning (we don’t always do Friday runs)? Also, I have had this same schedule for months and he has never mentioned it before. Last but not least, before I started doing fairly regular Friday morning runs he never took the opportunity to go work out. He would just stay home and bother me for sex.

Anyhow, whatever his deal is, this is the information I have to go on so I told him I would not work out on Friday mornings if it is an issue and he said “no I will make do”. He was still being grumpy and I needed to get ready for work so that is pretty much all there was.

I thought about it some more today and this, I believe, is the REAL issue: I have 4 kids and a job and a hobby I want to pursue and I HAVE TO schedule my life to make all that work. He has never had much responsibility, only has one kid and is an only child so he is not used to having to accommodate anyone but himself. He hates to have a schedule. He likes to wake up whatever time feels good and then do whatever he is in the mood for and when my “schedule” conflicts with whatever he is in the mood for we have problems.

Now, slowly but surely over the past few years, I have gotten him used to accepting my schedule and dealing with it. For example, he always watches our daughter on Tuesday and Thursday morning so I can go run. At first he hated this but now he seems fine with it.

At this point, I know that I still want more scheduling than we have and he would like less, so maybe now we are at a happy medium and a place where we both can be satisfied most of the time. For me, just understanding the issue goes a long way towards making it easier to handle even if I don’t get what I want at least I know what is going on.

I just wish he would communicate better instead of me having to figure it all out on my own through trial and error over time.

We had a Good Run

Monday and Tuesday continued the sweet husband streak. A total of 9 days in a row!

It’s amazing how happy it makes me. I am happier then I have been in years, YEARS…….like 10 years. My life feels good and right when we are loving and sharing like a couple should be. It really makes everything else that goes wrong seem minor and manageable.

Wednesday during the day he was awesome and emailed me many times with cute comments and to find out if my Garmin had arrived. Wednesday evening he was mildly cranky towards me but I was too tired to even care. This morning he told me I was being difficult and negative but other than that he did not elaborate despite my attempts to fully understand what had happened. I don’t recall being difficult or negative so it is possible he just said that to sound like he had a reason to be disagreeable. I suspect he just felt fowl and it was no fault of mine.

Thursday he seems fine all day. After work I did my usual bike ride. I met the group at the water tower and headed out with the fast guys. I stuck with them for 6 miles which is pretty damn good for an old broad like me. Then I hopped in with the B group and rode like hell some more. In the end I did 25 miles with an average speed of 19 mph. That’s fast and I am sure proud of it. I haven’t spent much time in the saddle for the past few years so it felt good to give a respectable showing on such an outing.

I beat my husband and the toddler home and changed into something I thought the husband would find cute. I was just in a great mood and looking forward to sharing my joy with my family. I ate some dinner and had a beer and waited, but they did not show up forever. I checked my Facebook page and posted a comment on my great ride. When they finally got home, the husband did not strike me as particularly crabby, but it wasn’t long before I decided he was not right. He even came to bed, read his book and would not look at me when I tried to speak to him. Finally he left the room without a word and got on the computer. I shut the door and went to sleep. I wanted to cuddle and love but he just wanted nothing to do with me. I felt sad but I was tired. Again, I couldn’t think of anything I did to justify his treatment.

Then in the middle of the night I woke up feeling depressed. I wish my happiness was not so influenced by his mood but I just can’t help it. And it that totally sucks.

My Weekend

1) My husband did not have his normal Sunday aneurism nor was he ever grumpy or disagreeable. I am so elated that we have gone a sold 7 days now with nothing but happiness and agreeability. Did anyone see the person that kid napped my husband? Truly, this is the longest stretch ever that he has been a fantastic husband and a great partner. Net result…….. I feel better than I have in 10 years!

2) Bean dressed herself more than once this weekend and let me tell you, despite the destruction she caused in her bedroom, the toddler came up with some pretty fantastic combinations of clothing that were so entertaining they were worth the mess.

3) I took both my girls to the pool finally and then we had lunch at a local restaurant called Thai Kitchen; which the toddler pronounced as “high chicken” so we laughed like crazy.

4) We cooked bacon to make BLTs and it occurred to me that I really didn’t want to mess up the wonderful flavor of the bacon by adding lettuce, tomatoes or mayo to my sandwich. Also, I was watching a cooking show on TV and they made glazed pork tenderloin and I was just drooling thinking about how wonderful that would taste. That was the moment that it hit me….I love PORK. (Don’t even get me started on prosciutto.)

5) Saturday I had a really great 28 mile bike ride. Kept up with the fast guys. Our average speed was not so hot because we started out pretty slow but we were on fire on the way back. More importantly…….. it was just so much fun.

6) Did a pleasant (slightly painful) 7 mile long run with Julie and Terry who returned from vacation just in time to meet us at 6 a.m. on Sunday.

7) I received my new Runner’s World magazine and already read the whole thing.

8) We made another batch of homemade salsa and our recipe just keeps getting better and better.

And now, the funny story from the weekend. Saturday evening we made the salsa and I reminded my husbands to take his contacts out BEFORE he fished the seeds out of the hot peppers which he did. The salsa turned out great and was quite a bit spicier than the last batch. Later, after the toddler was in bed, we parents were in the bedroom having some grown up time (wink, wink), when I realized that his touching was making me way hotter than usual. Yes, he had not washed his hands since he had sliced the jalapeños!! It almost felt good but then it was too hot. I had to take a break and ice down the area……..we had a good laugh though.

Week in Review

First, a little story:

So my husband tells me he his is tired because for the last two nights in a row he has not slept well. I asked him why he was not sleeping and he told me he was too warm and kept waking up. I told him he should just adjust the thermostat since it was set at 80. His response was this “...but I read in Vogue that it was important for our relationship to turn the heat up in the bedroom.”

Sometimes he is the cutest thing EVER!!

This week pretty much flew by. Ever since last Sunday I have had some weird abdominal pains. They are not severe but are nagging and uncomfortable. I did not work out at all on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday because I just didn’t feel so hot. Then yesterday, despite still having the odd pain, I did my usual run in the morning and then biked after work and I feel much better. Still having cramps but my brain certainly feels better. I am obviously an endorphin junky.

The husband was good this week, nothing I can complain about. Sunday he was in a funk but seems to have corrected it and all this week he was pretty even….almost pleasant. It would sure be nice if we could keep this trend going.

RATINGS....On a scale of 1-10 ……10 being best:

Food consumption = 4
Snacking on junk in the evening continues to be an issue. I have been known to eat honey on tortilla chips, peanut butter on cheerios and we had ice cream in the freezer this week so I had that too. This is something I really need to figure out how to get under control. It is my downfall….no self control when tired and bored at home. I may have gained a pound or two this week due to my terrible snacking.

Liquor consumption = 5
I did not drink on Monday. Tuesday I drank a glass of wine and a beer. Wednesday I finished off the bottle of wine…..so more like 3 glasses. Thursday after my bike ride 2 beers. I get good ratings for quantity per evening but terrible ratings for drinking almost every night of the week.

Work outs = 5
Great 7 mile long run on Sunday with Julie. Skipped Mon-Wed but had a good run on Thursday morning and a good bike Thursday night. So quality was good……quantity was poor.

My mood = 8
Knowing I have a vacation planned is the best. But I was darn grumpy Tuesday morning when I woke up with my tooth and abdomen hurting.

Husband mood = 8
No major mood issues Monday – Friday morning. Sunday afternoon funk was not a real bad one.

Toddler mood = 8
Fewer tantrums this week. Still getting tired and more emotional as the week progresses.

NYC Here I Come!

I am very excited because I think I finally have a vacation planned. I plan on booking my flight tomorrow!

Recently on Facebook I reconnected with an old friend from high school that is currently living in Brooklyn, New York. The other day he emailed me some photos from when we were kids which was very cool. I then told him that someday we would have to come up and visit him and see NYC. He emailed me back and said to make it soon since he will probably move to Seattle in the not so distant future. He is currently doing freelance work and getting by on very little money because he has a screaming good deal on rent. However his roommate is getting married soon so the rent bargain will be going away and he won’t be able to afford to live in NYC anymore.

Please note that Brian is not a romantic interest. When we were teens, I dated a friend of his and have always regarded Brian as more of a big brother than a potential date. He is a sweet person but certainly NOT my type…..so get your mind out of the gutter.

So if I am to go to NYC on the cheap, I must go now. This means leaving behind my husband to take care of the toddler. Originally I meant to bring him along and leave our daughter with Grandma and Grandpa. Unfortunately the grandparents are too old to keep up with a toddler for a whole week. In another year I think she will be old enough that they can handle her for longer periods of time, but for now we can only leave her with them for a couple of days.

A few months ago when I suggested I go on vacation with my friend and not my husband, the husband was not too excited about the idea. But he seems to have mellowed some since then and when I brought up the idea of me going to New York City without him he told me it was fine. Best I can tell he really does seem OK with it. This is GREAT because I really need a real vacation………something exciting; an adventure. I love to travel and see new places so this is going to be awesome.

Besides, the husband keeps wanting to do vacations that involve mostly paddling a boat or riding a bike and quit honestly I think we can do that at home, save money and sleep in our own bed. It is not the adventure I have in mind. I want to travel for vacation and see new things and explore the world. He always says he doesn’t want to do “touristy” things. Well I do! Because touristy things are things that people like to see. That is why they are touristy things! You know what I mean.

Brian started a list of things I must do……here it is:

• Brooklyn Bridge (Wall Street and Ground Zero are nearby on the Manhattan side - fyi, you can't see much at Ground Zero)
  


• Staten Island Ferry (fairly good views of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, and it's free! Or we can take a ferry to one or both of them. I've been to Ellis Island and wasn't that impressed, but it might be meaningful if your relatives passed through it)
  


• Museum of Modern Art (really cool place - I'm a member and have guest passes, so free!)
  


• Rockefeller Center (plus Top of the Rock for great views and the NBC tour - next to Radio City Music Hall)
  


• Central Park (a wonderful place - I love it there)
  


• The Metropolitan Museum of Art (in Central Park and HUGE! Mostly older art, but some newer stuff - almost free! [they ask for a donation and I usually give $1])
  


• Guggenheim Museum (designed by Frank Lloyd Wright and right next to Central Park. It's worth going by just to look at the building and you can go inside and see the main rotunda for free - it's cool)
  


• Sabarsky Cafe (across the street from Central Park - it's like an old Viennese cafe, great place for coffee and cake)
  


• Empire State Building or Top of the Rock (I think you have to see NYC from a tall building - Empire State is taller and has the best views but the lines are very long, usually an hour or more - Top of the Rock is pretty cool, has great views of Central Park, and usually has hardly any lines at all, plus it's a more interesting building)
  


• Public Library (cool old building plus there's usually street dancers out front)
  


• Grand Central Station and Chrysler Building lobby (we should just stroll through these if we're in the area)
  


• Times Square (I hate this place, but some people think it's a must see - I'll put up with it if you want to see it! And you really kind of have to or you'll always wonder what it's like)
  


• Greenwich Village (not what it used to be since Sex & the City and NYU grew into it, but I suppose it's still worth seeing)
  


• Chinatown and Little Italy (again, not what they used to be, but still might be worth seeing, esp. Chinatown for cheap food)
  


• art galleries in Chelsea (only if you're into contemporary art)
  

Any suggestions on what else I should do while I vacation in The Big Apple?

Nuts

This morning I finished off the jar of peanut butter!!
--
I will no longer be keeping peanut butter in my desk.

You know you’re getting old when......

medical concerns are a constant issue!

This morning I went to the foot doctor again. I had two reasons for going. First, I was hoping that maybe he had some idea of something we could do to fix my Neuroma stubs. Second, I have a new pain on the outer side of my left foot that I was just a bit worried about because of its close proximity to my heel surgery and associated plate with 7 screws.

The pain on the side of my left foot turned out to be no big deal. I can do a few exercises and it should get better. I just wanted to be sure it was not something that would only heal if I rested it. I did not want to make a small injury into a big one by ignoring the pain. So, that was good news.

The Neuroma stubs are always painful, however some time more than others. The doctor had no new ideas of anything we could do for them that would work for sure. He said if they become unbearable we may be able to do surgery to fix them, but there is no guarantee that surgery will help. Long story short…..learn to live with the pain.

Anyone that has ever had chronic pain knows what a downer it can be with its ever present nagging in your head. To know you will never feel totally good ever again; to know that you will probably live like this THE REST OF YOUR LIFE is just sad. At times I will be running and think to myself “man, if this did not hurt so much I know I could run faster and enjoy running a lot more” I am so tired of thinking that. BUT….. I just need to get over it since I have no choice. At least I can still run which is better than not being able to run at all.

My next health issue is my blood pressure. Ever since I took Adderall for ADHD some 8 years ago, I have had elevated blood pressure. I no longer take the Adderall, but my blood pressure has never gone back to normal. I have researched what may be causing my high blood pressure and possible ways to treat it at home and I come up with nothing. The biggest thing they want to fix when treating high blood pressure is being overweight……which I am not. The doctors don’t know why my blood pressure is high either and don’t seem to care; they just want to treat the symptom not find the cause. I suppose figuring it out would be hard and may make no difference in the treatment so on to meds we go. Most of the blood pressure meds I have tried have unacceptable side effects. One made me VERY sleepy and another made me feel too sluggish to exercise. Some give me terrible headaches. Right now I am on Novasc and it has very few negative side effects. The only side effect has been some swelling in my legs which was not so bad in winter, but seems to be worse in the summer heat and humidity. Also, the Norvasc is taking my blood pressure down to a better level, but it is not down as far as would be ideal. So, I really need to go to the doctor and try some other medications and see if we can’t find something that gets my BP down to normal and does not have any terrible side effects. The whole process sounds like such a pain in the ass that I keep putting it off. One of these days I need to just make an appointment.

Another thing that has been bothering me this week is some weird lower abdominal cramps. Similar to menstrual cramps but timing is totally off for it to be my period. At first I thought I just ate something foul and it would pass, but now it has been 3 whole days of weird cramps that seem to come and go. They were really uncomfortable Sunday evening and Monday morning but got a bit better though the day Monday. Then today I still feel it here and there. I wonder if it is Endometriosis? I sure hope not…….no more chronic pain please. I haven’t had a real physical since I was pregnant so it has been about 3 years. I have really enjoyed avoiding the doctor. I hate how they tell me I am old and need tests and crap. So, unless this cramp thing gets notably worse I am NOT going to the doctor. I hate doctors and will avoid if at all possible.

I freaking hate that I am getting old enough that every little thing I feel or change I perceive may be happing makes me wonder if it is the beginning of menopause!

Lately my eyesight is not as sharp as it used to be. I mainly think it is just from staring at a computer screen all these years. I look at a 12x18 inch screen, which is 2 or 3 feet in front of me for 8 hours every week day. That has got to be bad for your eyes. In the evening when I sit down to read I find it takes me a while to focus on my book which is closer than my screen at work. Also, my eyes started getting worse last fall which is when I finally started taking blood pressure medication. I can’t help but wonder if it may be a side effect of the medication. I know that all kinds of side effects could happen and even the doctors don’t understand it all.

Another sign that Old age is clamping down on me………….general I can tell that I am stiffer than I used to be. I work out a lot and try to stretch often and I can tell more and more that I NEED to stretch and I never felt that way before. I was always such a limber person but now I feel that I should work in some yoga so I will stretch thoroughly.

Another thing about getting older is you get dizzier easier. I can’t swing now or it makes me dizzy. I can’t ride roller coasters or spinning rides or they make me feel terrible. I think your brain is just set up like that. I mean when you are in utero you are upside down and then as a kid you don’t mind standing on your head, but as you age your body changes and no longer tolerates such things.

My teeth are a mess too. Recently I had a molar get a chip in it. The first dentist I went to told me it was in terrible shape and needed a root canal. I was shocked because I get regular checkups every six months and my old dentist had never indicated that the tooth was decayed on the inside. He had wanted to crown it because the filling was so large, but he never said it was rotting away. I went back to him and he put a crown on that tooth and never mentioned a root canal. I was relieved and assumed the new dentist was over zealous and out to make a buck. Now, some 4 months later the tooth is still very tender so I am pretty sure I will need a root canal. I have always tried to care for my teeth; I brush regularly, get cleanings and checkups every 6 months and I am still having one problem after another with my teeth which is so frustrating. I got the original cavities that started all this when I was 15 years old. I have not had a cavity since then it has just been maintenance of those first filings. At that time I did not know that a few little cavities would ruin my teeth forever cause fillings fall out and then are put back bigger and before you know it you have very little tooth left and you must get a crown which leads to a root canal and probably an implant eventually. Or just get it pulled and be a gap toothed hillbilly.

Now I know that my aches and pains are nothing compared to what some people have to deal with but it still depresses me to think that I will never feel totally good and healthy again IN MY LIFE! That’s a long time. Back before I broke my foot and before the ex left I remember feeling so strong and fit and good and alive. Man it was a good feeling. No matter how hard I work I will never get to feel that way again. Depressing.

Getting old sucks and I will never understand the people that say they are happier being older.
It’s just not right!

Book Review

I recently read the book “The Noticer” by Andy Andrews
A friend of mine was reading it and I decided to read it too so we could discuss the book together.
Well, after quickly reading 95% of the book my advice to you is don’t waste your time.
On the plus side it was a quick read so not a lot of time was wasted.

Be advised that the book is “pushing” Christianity without mentioning it directly.

Here is a review I found that pretty much sums up my opinion of this book:

Maybe this book just wasn't my thing, but I found it to be an incredibly simplistic, thinly veiled rip-off of books like The 5 People You Meet In Heaven (which I wasn't so fond of either). The book is basically a collection of scenes / stories that involve the mysterious character "Jones" - The Noticer - visiting people at different times in their lives when they are experiencing difficulties of one sort or another to help them "step into the light" and get on the right path.

This, Jones makes it sound so unrealistically easy, is just a matter of getting "perspective" on life... well, if it was that easy no one would need it pointed out to them, would they? And while Jones does make some valid observations to those he encounters about the things he "notices", they all seem more like common sense than any great insight.

The Jones character, who never ages and who appears as "Garcia" to Hispanics and "Chen" to Asians, is obviously supposed to reflect how Christ / religion can be all things to all people but, again, I found it to be presented in a very simplistic, almost condescending manner.

I think the underlying goal of Andrews' book, to get people to "notice" things around them, understand how their actions impact others, and to show their appreciation to those who make or have made a positive impact on their own lives is a laudable one. I just found the book itself to be something more suited to grade school age children than adults given the simplistic way it goes about delivering its message.

Sunday Evenings tend to Suck

This morning I met Julie for a long run at 6 a.m. We had a very nice time; just girl talking and running slow and easy. We ran a total of 7 miles and my feet did not feel too bad. I think I finally have my inner souls fixed right so I can avoid the sharp pains.

When I arrived home from my run, my husband proposed that we pack the boat and swimming stuff up and head to a nice lake that is about an hour from our house. I had some other things tentatively planned, but I want to promote family activities so I cancelled those plans and jumped at the chance for all 3 of us to spend some time together.

The Bean was so patient on the drive up there and I was really looking forward to playing in the sand, but when we got there, the beach was closed because the lake was flooded and water was up over the sandy beach. Now, we had no backup plan and after a ½ hour of playing on the playground and a potty break, we decided to drive home and just go to the local lake and swim.

Back in town, we had a nice time at the beach and Bean had a blast. But it was no surprise that my husband was a bit restlessness and bored. After all, he headed out thinking he would get a chance to paddle his boat and ended up driving in a big 2 hour circle only to end up sitting on a small local beach with no boating in his future. We stayed there for quite some time because the toddler was having so much fun, but then headed back to the house around 3:30 in the afternoon.

As soon as we got home the husband declared he was headed to the gym. I saw this one coming and totally understood. I am sure he was determined to get in some kind of work out before the day was over. I bet he even paddled on the machine at the gym. He was gone for about two hours and while he was gone, I emptied the dishwasher, put away a load of laundry, and put away all our stuff we packed to the beach, tidied the house up and put a new load of laundry in to wash. The toddler was a bit tired and had been perfectly happy to watch a DVD while I was doing chores. Later I sat down with her and picked up a book. This is where we were when daddy came home from the gym.

Beanie jumped with joy to see him (as she always does) and he began to play with her and send me a rather negative vibe. I decided to ignore his vibe and let him entertain the child. Besides, I had a bit of a stomach ache and was pretty happy to be parked on the couch with my library book.

For the next hour and a half he played with the kid and did some piddly stuff in the garage. If they walked past me I tried to be friendly and accommodating but he was rather cool and aloof. Now I know this attitude and have seen it 100 times before and have noted that it happens very frequently on a Sunday afternoon. I really do think that he gets sick of having me around after two days off work, but he would never actually admit to that. I kept reading and figured if he wanted to be “moody” so be it.

Later, he decided to get into the shower and I jumped up to remind him that he was due to get his back shaved. He brushed me off and said he did not want to do it even though earlier we had discussed it and he seemed to be eager to get it done. Now, I was suddenly fed up with his unfriendly mood and told him so. He redirected saying I was the one reading and he was just trying to give me some space. I told him I knew that was bull shit and that he does this all the time. He gets into a negative funk or has some grudge against me and then when I point it out he tries to turn it around and make it out like I was the one being anti social. Well, I told him that too. Then I told him if he was going to be surly, grumpy and unsociable all evening I was leaving to find something to do that I was not going to waste my evening sitting around the house putting up with him in a shitty mood. He then changed his mood and started to act nicer and though he was not sweet and tender all evening he was at least civilized and I was not disappointed that I did not leave to find a better environment.