12 Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening

Meditation

I am enjoying my meditation class a lot.  We have had three sessions so far.  This week we did not have class due to spring break.  (When you live in a college town everything is shut down for spring break.)

I got to the first session early and met the nice teacher Terry (Friss knows him too!) who is a soft spoken and very accepting type and the co-teacher Linda who is a therapist with lots of practical knowledge.  She speaks louder and is more pragmatic.  I like them a lot and they make a great team. 

As people came in we introduced ourselves.  They came in all shapes and sizes but most were older.  One boy looked to be a student but the rest were my age if not older. 

We talked a lot and meditated a little but when it was over, I felt a little relieved.  Before class I was worried I wouldn’t fit in or I wouldn’t be able to do it or something.  Anyhow, my worries evaporated and I thought it went very well.  I think I “get” it.

Each week I have been looking forward to class, if for no other reason at least it allows me 1.5 hours of me time with no one to bother me.  No boss or kids to make demands.  I get to sit and relax and do things that are nice to me.

The second session I got there a bit late and had rushed over from Beanie’s dance class open house.  I hit my mat and they pretty much started with a 15 minute meditation.  It was hard for me to settle down.  My life is so busy and rushed and just suddenly stopping to focus on my breath was hard.  By the end of the 15 minutes I settled down and found my “zone”, but it wasn’t as easy as the week before.

Last week we did some walking meditation, standing meditation and even lying down.   When lying down you keep your arms up so you don’t fall asleep.  It feels silly.  I didn’t like anything that required me to stand on my feet because standing with no shoes on just hurts so much.  The lying down felt good on my back but sitting is still best for me.

After the third class I felt a little less excited.  Partly because I have come to realize that I just can’t cram time into my normal week to practice between classes.  Especially at the point of the day when I could use it the most, which is when I first get home from work and I need to decompress.  This is also when the dog needs to go out, the car needs to be unpacked/repacked, and my daughter needs to be fed and all household chores such as laundry and dishes must take place.  I rarely sit down before 8 pm.

But there is another reason I am feeling a bit down about meditation and I am embarrassed to admit it……..but here goes.   

(Be kind to me, I am just being honest here.)

For years, people have been telling me that meditation is the solution to my problems.  That meditation is what I NEED.  And for years, I have kept that in my back pocket thinking I can always take up meditation and things will be better.  I guess I hoped it would be a miracle cure; that if I put my mind to it and really learned how to do it properly I would have instant benefits and now I am realizing that it is not going to change anything dramatically and it certainly won’t do it over night.

It’s not the magic bullet I had hoped it would be.  I have no doubt that if I cultivate a practice over the years it will be beneficial to my existence.  BUT, it is not going to be the paradigm shift I was hoping for. 

In the past, on certain occasions, I did suddenly change.  You know, the light went on and everything was just different.  I guess I was just hoping that would happen again.

Meditation Class

My son Friss goes to weekly meditation.  The fine institution that houses him kind of forces the inmates to attend some sort of church services on Sunday and he finally settled on Buddhism.

I raised him Catholic and there are lots of things I actually like about Catholicism, but there are tons of things I don’t like either; like not allowing birth control is just bat shit crazy (especially when being drunk is totally allowed).

I don’t blame him at all for not being Catholic anymore.  I’m not either.  I’m glad he has found his path.  In all honesty, he does better than I do (emotionally), at everything in life. 

He says that the most important thing he has ever done for himself is his weekly practice.  And he keeps nagging me to get into the habit of meditating regularly.  And I agree with him that I should and I want to, but we all know my life is one scramble after the next and I just never make the time to work on it.

He told me he never would have made the time either and he was very grateful that the correctional system allocated the time for him.  Best thing that ever happened to him.

So when he found out that the local “chapter” of Buddhist here in town is hosting an Introduction to Meditation class, he urged me to sign up AND I did!

I am really excited and a bit scared and nervous.  This is a new thing in a new place with new people.  Friss knows the instructor and just loves him and per our email conversation the instructor gets a kick out of Friss too; always nice to hear good things about your offspring.

I think this is going to be huge.  I think this is a big move in the right direction.

So starting this Wednesday evening I will be heading to my meditation class!!