Depression and Compassion

All weekend I have been depressed.  All weekend I have just felt so lost and empty; that the world is too much, that it is all too hard.  I found myself praying that I would not wakeup in the morning which is something I have not done in a long time.

Husband was nice this weekend….for the most part…..this time it isn’t his fault that I am down.  No, actually it is the combination of the school shooting in Connecticut, my own teenagers acting like fools, Christmas time of the year and my propensity to be self loathing when I feel that I am not the best person I can be.  I’m feeling extremely self critical.  And, in order to combat this depression I drank too much wine….so now I can feel crappy about that too.

When you have a child you experience a bond that is on a deeper level than any other bond.  All you parents out there know what I am talking about.  I am sure, to a large extent; this is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring we care for our offspring so our species will continue to thrive.  But still it is a real emotion and we all feel it.  You have a baby and the world changes…your focus changes and in so many ways you put them before you.  You would do almost anything to ensure they are happy, healthy and grow up to be productive decent citizens.  This devotion also has an emotional price because if anything should happen to your child you will be devastated.

My first born didn’t make it.  He is spending 15-20 years in prison.  I failed at raising him to be a happy, healthy productive decent citizen.  As a mother it hurts…..to the bottom of my heart it hurts.  It hurts to see his life like this and it hurts because I feel I should have done better.  I should have saved him.

Add to that the fact that when his “life” ended it was one week before Christmas and that has forever left a bad taste in my mouth for Christmas.  I will always associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.  And now 28 families in CT….hell the whole town…..will also associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.

I know how quickly life can change.  I know what it is like to have to get rid of all your child’s belongings because they won’t be coming home.  I know what those families are going through and my heart aches for them.  So much so that I can’t shake this deep despair that has sunk in and the more the news coverage goes on and on the worse it gets.  I have got to stop turning on the radio and the TV.

As a bonus this Christmas, Monster and Ramone are teenagers, nineteen and seventeen years old.  They are at the age where they can and probably will make life altering mistakes.  They are also getting too old for me to *make* them do the right thing.  All I can do is offer advice and hope they listen while I stand by holding my breath and hoping they will be lucky enough to not really fuck up their whole lives.  I am scared to death for them because I know they don’t get it and by the time they do it might just be too late.

Saturday night Monster called me (wait it was Sunday morning at 3 am) with some very lame stuff that he was upset about.  He told me he was in a fight and I could tell he had been driving drunk.  I am so scared for these kids I can’t sleep!

Another thing that has me stewing is the fact that the gun enthusiast are using this as an occasion to push for MORE guns; which seems like a ridiculous idea to me.  I am not blaming guns for what happened because I do believe that people kill people not guns.  But a gun did make it easier for this mad man to kill MORE people…..so gun restrictions make more sense to me.  You will never convince me that arming teachers will make schools safer.  That is just plain nuts.

Then there are the people who are saying that we have turned our backs on God and that is why this has happened.  To them I say……because no Godly person ever goes nuts?.....because people can’t be decent human beings without God?....because all morality is rooted in the bible?  I guess I am just offended that so many people seem to think that you can’t be a good person unless you believe in their God; especially since I seem to see so many cold hearted hateful things coming from people in the name of religion.  I am not trying to bash God or say that all religious people are hateful just that it is not the miracle cure we are in need of. It is just not that simple. More wars have been fought and more people killed in the name of God….so don’t tell me that God is the solution to violence.

Last but not least, there are the political views that are also getting pushed using this shooting as an opportunity.  Shame on you all for taking such a terrible tragedy and trying to turn it into your chance to push your political beliefs on others.

I don’t have the answers and I understand that emotions are high right now in all of the camps.  But, what I really would like to see is compassion for ALL involved.  And for more people to say “what can I do to make the world a better place….how can I help?”  The real question is how are we as a society not helping these people who most obviously are not OK.  It’s about mental health and how we are falling short in the care of those in need. 

And one more thing….school are still safe.  The odds of your kid getting shot at school are like infinitesimal.   STOP freaking out!  I don’t want our kids locked in….I don’t want armed guards.  There has got to be a better way!

Car Shopping SUCKS

Car shopping sucks, not because of the sales guys, but because of the cars.  They just don’t make what I want.  I want a sporty station wagon!! (not an SUV aka a box on wheels)

Why am I shopping for a new car you ask….well because I am going to give my current car to my ex husband for Christmas!

No he is not blackmailing me.  No my car is not a piece of junk.  No I am not putting a bomb rigged to go off in it.  Actually it is a 2009 Honda Accord coupe with a manual transmission with $800 worth of brand new tires.  He is damn lucky.

Let me explain:  First, the teenagers live with their dad now.  This is their idea not mine.  I would totally rather have them at my house where I could be happy knowing they are being properly parented.  However, our joint custody deal had them sharing time between houses when they were young but now that they are old enough to choose, they choose the house with cable TV, internet and junk food over my home in the woods with chickens and network television that we get for free with….gasp….an antenna!

 

Oh yea, and rules, I have a lot more rules than Dad.

So over the years, I paid certain bills along with a modest amount of child support to the ex husband who works for the state and therefore has a rather meager income.  This is how the government keeps it all fair.  They want both houses to have about the same standard of living.  Mostly I am Ok with this but then again I still think ex-husband is lazy and irresponsible and I end up paying for it.  But hey, I am all for raising my own kids and not overly burdening him and for the most part this has always worked out fine for everyone.

But, lately, it seems the teens are more expensive with cars and auto insurance, etc.  And I feel that I am no longer carrying my portion of the load.  I do buy them all their clothes as well as school lunches and fix broken cars and teeth and pay my 1/3 of Monsters college tuition, but I know those kids nickel and dime their dad to death and he has a hard time saying no.  Not to mention he has to put up with them more than I do.

So I got to thinking I can afford to pay him more child support and I probably should……BUT I hate to give him more cash.  He is the kind of person that at the end of the month has no idea where his money went and can never figure out why he is always broke.  He never saves a dime instead his credit card debt just creeps up and up.  I, being an accountant, have offered to make him a budget and when we do it says he has plenty of money.  Go figure.  I think lots of it goes to lunches and misc. stuff.  Trust me he is not the type to be out buying drugs or women; more likely I-HOP and movie tickets.

So then I decided I should pay some bills for him or something useful like that….I should spend my money on a specific item(s) not just throw money into the bottomless “pit”.  Then it hit me that what they need most of all is another car.  Right now there are 3 people and two cars so Ex-husband usually is the one with no vehicle.  (Not how I would operate if it were me but, hey, it’s not.) 

At first I was thinking a new car….with 0% financing and I would just make the payments for him.  Then it hit me that although I do like my car in many ways, it has never been what I really need or want.  It was a mistake to get it in the first place (long story) and I really should buy ME the new car and just give my old car to the Ex-husband. 

So that is why I am going out car shopping instead of working tomorrow.



I should have kept my Subaru Wagon....best car ever!



It's Simple

I just want to feel loved, cared for, desired, safe, accepted, appreciated and valued. 

Don’t we all?

Why does life constantly deny me this basic need?

GOOD WEEKEND

We had a very good weekend mostly because Husband was so sweet.

First, Friday night I went to some friend’s birthday party and left him in charge of the puppy and our daughter.  I thought for sure he would be mad and grumpy all weekend because of it so I was thrilled that he wasn’t.  At the party we played laser tag….OMG so much fun!

Saturday morning I did my usual long run and again….Husband had to watch both the puppy and Bean for 2 whole hours.  He had to take the puppy outside because she gets pretty rowdy in the morning, but he did a fine job.

Saturday afternoon Beanie attended a birthday party for one of her classmates at the bowling alley.  That was fun and a bit crazy.  I had hoped to sneak out to test drive some cars but there was no leaving.  These kids needed adult supervision!  

She picked out the outfit herself and did her own hair!

 

Saturday night I dozed off trying to watch Sherlock Holmes with Hubby.  It was just boring and I had been up since 5 am.  He didn’t seem too upset with me or act stupid about it.  So relieved.

Sunday morning Husband suggested a family bike outing.  Beanie keeps wanting to ride her bike with us but we both know she will last about 10 minutes and then be done with it so we keep balking at the idea.   This time we decided to bring the trailer so when she ran out of steam we would pop her in the cart and still get in our ride.

I tossed the dog in the kennel and we headed out before 9 am.  (It’s been crazy warm weather here for December.)  Husband had the idea to drive to a little town nearby that we could catch the trail on.  It was a bit farther than I thought we were going but no big deal.  Once there, Beanie jumped on her bike and rode with great glee.  Daddy and I were thrilled as she kept saying she was having the best time and loved riding bikes with us. 

20 minutes later she was crying and would not ride her bike anymore, or walk, or talk or anything.  We tried everything to make her happy again but nothing worked.  The kid just shuts down at times and it is so frustrating.  Finally Husband rode back to the car and fetched her trailer.  He stuffed her into it against her protests.  He finally spanked her after she was just totally mean and out of control for the longest time.  I was proud of him actually.  He tends to let her walk all over him at times and I think it is spoiling her and making her a brat.

From there we headed off biking and she sat in the trailer bitching.  I offered to take her home so Husband could ride in peace but he said NO we need to teach her that she can’t win by being mean and nasty.  He was right so we biked on.  After we had biked for maybe a half hour the girl fell asleep.  I think it might have only been 10 am by then.  This is when I realize how badly we need to work on getting her to bed earlier in the evening.  She needs more sleep!

 

Soon we came to a scenic outlook we wanted to explore so we woke her up and much to my surprise, after some initial grogginess she was sweet as could be.  The rest of the outing was nice and fun and the girl was happy.  We biked a total of about 24 miles.

As we loaded the bikes back into the SUV Beanie insisted we go out to eat so Daddy took us all to Taco Bell.  Sitting there eating it struck me how odd it felt all three of us in a fast food joint.  It was common for me to take Ramone and Monster here when they were small children but this was only the second time Beanie had ever been there.  We eat out so rarely.  She loved her taco and fruit smoothie.

I was starting to worry about the puppy…..we had been gone much longer than I thought we would be.  It was 1:30 pm when we got home and found Pasha was dry and clean and in good spirit.  She of course missed us and mauled us with puppy love but no accidents while we were gone.  She wanted to play and I wanted to get Beanie to take a “real” nap.  I had to lay down with Beanie so I put the puppy outside alone.  Hated to do that to her.

Thanks to her cat nap in the trailer earlier Beanie would not go back to sleep.  I dozed off just long enough to make me grumpy.  I had planned to do some Christmas photos while the weather was so nice, but I knew better than to try if we were both not well rested.  This actually upset me because I knew I wouldn’t get another opportunity in December to take photos on a sunny afternoon with the temperature above 70 degrees.  Hard to believe it is December!

I started to feel agitated because I am rather tired of dealing with a crabby kid and the fact that nap time takes up the best part of the day and that the puppy was getting neglected.  I assumed that Husband would probably want alone time so I plotted to escape to Uwe’s house.  Much to my surprise, Husband actually volunteered to keep the girl so I could get a break.  I left feeling guilty as hell, but still….I left taking the puppy with me.

Once I got to Uwe house we took the dog for a walk but he seemed a little bit odd and I got the feeling he didn’t really want company so I didn’t stay too long. 

When I got home around 7 Daddy was just putting the girl to bed AND he had even given her a bath!   GOOD DADDY!!

I of course gave him sex as a reward.  I think we all enjoyed our weekend which was such a treat.  (Although I’m still disappointed I did not get some nice photos to give Grandma for Christmas or have the time to go car shopping.)