Friends

So JDK still wants to be my friend....or at least support each other in life....yada yada yada.

I don't think he deserves my kindness.  I don't think I should be his friend after all he has done to me.  I told him over and over again this last week how very emotionally devastating it was to hear all the things he told me and want to believe them and then find out that he was full steam ahead with Roslyn.  I don't think he really understood how waving "our" family in front of me constantly but then never following through was just heart wrenching for me.  I mean he had two options, both would make him happy.  I had all my hope on him.

Then again...........we have to raise this kid.  Life is hard enough.  Why not be kind to each other and help each other out.  Especially when he is single.  God I love that there is not a woman in his house, my house (I lived there for 13 years) mothering my child and using my dishes I picked out.  Yes I know I chose to leave all that but that doesn't mean that after all that has happened I don't still have an emotional attachment to everything up there.

Today he said he wanted to get Beanies bike from me tomorrow so they could go for a bike ride.  I said sure.  He then told me I could join them if I wanted to.

I am thinking about it.

Truth Seaking

Once I blew up the "thing" with JDK I had a couple of nasty discussions with his girlfriend.  The first one was on that Monday when she called me before she left his house.  I think she wanted a few more questions answered before she was positive it was over.  I tried to address her concerns and told her he was using us both. She basically blamed it all on me and told me I was a whore for fucking her boyfriend.  I assured her that I didn't just call him over and force it on him.  I guess I was supposed to say no for her sake and to her it is just that simple.

I think the main thing I was trying to get from all of this, from her, was some clarity about what he was really up to and if he had meant anything he had told me or if it all was a bunch of lies.  I wanted to hate him.  I wanted to actually catch him in the lies and see him for who he really is.  I desperately wanted THE TRUTH!

Later in the week I asked her another question via text (just trying to understand something he had told me) which started her text messaging me some of the most hate filled things I have ever heard.  She said I destroyed everyone's life I ever touched, that I can't hold down a job, that she feels sorry for Beanie, that she feels sorry for Kevin and on and on.  The woman is VERY good at exuding self confidence and slicing another person into pieces.   Again I applaud her for being a strong decisive women.

Then I started thinking....maybe she will just let him strew for a while and then she will be back.  I sure hope not.  I think the level of hate between her and I wouldn't be good for anyone involved.

After the text bashing I was pretty shook up.  Mostly because I assumed she was just repeating things he had told her.  Mostly because I am too sensitive and let shit people say stew around in my mind.  All I did was tell her things he had told me....about my relationship with him.   You know like "listen lady your boyfriend tells me he loves me and wants his family back".  I thought she should know he says that shit behind her back.  I didn't tell her she was a completely worthless human being.  I had no intention of ME hurting her....I was just letting her know what he was doing. She was fully loaded with 20 horrible things about me to hurl at me and hurt me greatly.  I was woefully unarmed.

Yesterday morning I had an extremely nasty dream that was surely triggered by all this.  I will try and summarize the critical parts here now:

I was downtown in a town I knew but had gotten lost and couldn't find my car.  I accepted a ride from some boys I vaguely knew and felt safe going with them.  Then as we drove around looking for my car they became bad scary men and the one in the back seat pulled out a gun and started playing Russian Roulette (damn the Deer Hunter movie).  At some point I struggled to get away and managed to toss the gun out the car window.  But then they held me down and used a giant syringe (think Pulp Fiction) to poke me in the arm twice.  After that they let me go in some area I didn't know.  I then found myself wondering the hallways of a large building as the effect of the shot started to kick in.  I felt groggy and disoriented and worried I would pass out.  I didn't have any idea what they put in me.  I was very scared and felt all alone even though I had seen people around the building.  I wanted to find my car and go home so badly.  I didn't want to ask for help.  I realized I didn't have my purse that it must still be with the men in the pickup truck.  I started to panic that hey had my credit card and ID.  Then I started to feel even more disoriented and knew I wouldn't make it much longer.  I held my arm out and started begging people for help.  People came to help me and I passed out. 

Then I woke up.  I was shaking and scared and checked my arm.  It is so scary to feel drugged up like that.  It was scary to feel so helpless.  It was troubling how strongly I didn't want anyone to know or to help and I just wanted to find my way home.

I texted JDK and told him I was having horrible night mares.  He said he wasn't sleeping well either.  We ended up talking on the phone.  I told him what Roslyn told me....he said I opened that Pandora's box and it was on me.  I told him how vile it was and how she surely got it from him.  He reminded me that she is mad and hurting and lashing out and probably turning every single idea about me into the worst interpretation.  I started to feel the hate was from her not him.

Wiping the Slate Clean

Last week a lot happened.  Let me try to catch you up.

First the good news.  Wednesday I closed on my new loan for the house so now it is all mine.  I went and purchased a much needed kitchen table and splurged on a nice sectional.  I figure if I am going to live here I might as well make it my home and be happy with it.  I really couldn’t afford the couch but about a month ago my mom gave me a little money so I guess, in a round-a-bout way, it is really a gift from her.

Kevin has been very sweet ever since he signed the contract agreeing on how we would divide the property.  He bought a new house and moved almost all of his belongings over to it the weekend before I closed.  He was overwhelmed and sore but acting more like his old self and even helped me with some yard work and household repairs before he moved.  It was nice to see him smile warmly at me and call me baby again.  (NO - we won’t be getting back together….yes we will hopefully stay friends…small town and all.)

Wednesday and Thursday night I slept better than I have in a year.  I know the relief of having everything behind me and feeling that he and I were not at war was the main reason.

I didn’t take Kevin’s garage door opener or keys away at closing because he has been so nice that I wasn’t worried he would do anything hostile and he still had a few items at my house.  Friday morning I had the locks changed.  I had decided to do that many weeks ago when he was being hostile.  I thought about cancelling it but decided for $75 I would have one key for all the doors and I would have the option to block him (or anyone he may have given a key to) out of my home should he ever behave in a scary manor at me again.    I never lock the doors to the garages so he had access to the house even after the locks were changed.  When he found out I changed the locks he got angry and we had some tense words.  I assured him I wasn’t trying to be a jerk; that I was just taking the precaution since I didn’t know who had keys.  I reminded him that he had the garage door opener so he could access his stuff.  He wouldn’t stop being hateful so I went to bed totally stressed and slept like crap.  The next day he was fine and back to being nice to me.  Whatever.

HOWEVER…..the closing of on the house was not the BIG event of last week.  No that took place on Monday morning.  After watching Kevin haul all his stuff off I was feeling a bit rejected.  In my negative mood I called JDK for some reason (can’t recall why) and that conversation didn’t go well.  I am not sure how much I have blogged about how he has consistently told me that he still loves me and wants his family back but then has a thousand reasons why it isn’t the right time.  In many ways I had hoped for a long time that he meant it but his actions kept speaking louder than his words.  I knew he was planning a big vacation with his girlfriend (Cancun I suspect) this summer and I knew he had lied to me about some things he said were going on between him and her.   And really why did he have fight so hard to avoid child support if we are getting back together?

Over the past 6 months or so (after Kevin resigned himself to live in the basement) my ex-husband and I had been having secret rendezvous, dates, and yes sex.  He was always telling me that if we could just get to a “better” or “closer” place we could get back together.   I would spend time at his house where he assured me the girlfriend didn’t really live there, (we had sex in every bed but the master) she just stayed over because of her job.  (I knew it was crap but he chose to tell me this stuff so I put some weight on the idea that he felt it was impermanent.)

Anyhow the longer the sneaking went on and the less I felt like things were changing in my favor the more upset the whole situation made me.  I told him many times that what he was doing was not fair or right for either me or his girlfriend.  That he needed to make a choice.  He promised he would and soon….and then more time would go by.

Yes I know it was a super stupid fucked up situation but at first I really thought he wanted me back so I was willing to give it a shot.  I do still love him and felt I had nothing to lose by giving him a chance.  Later I believe it just turned into him trying to keep me happy so I wouldn’t squeal the girlfriend.

Many times I tried to just go no contact with him but it seemed when I did that he would ratchet up the sweet talk of how he dreamed about me and missed me so much.  I just couldn’t mentally pass up the idea that he might mean it and I didn’t want him to forever be able to say “I was trying…you are the one that quit.”

You see where this is all going right?

So Monday morning I marched right over to his house and told his girlfriend everything.   I showed her the text messages where he wanted to meet and cuddle and whatever, wink wink.  The messages where he told me he loves me more than her and craves my body.  At first she didn’t believe me.  You see he had been telling her that I am mentally unstable and bipolar; that he was worried about our daughter and my safety and needed to tend to me because of my mental illness.  I assured her the only illness I had was buying his sack of lies.  She told me she was getting ready to sell her house and that they had planned to be together forever.  I told her how he would assure me that they were not happy and that she would be leaving soon; that they never had sex, etc.  She assured me they had plenty of sex.  She was very mad at me but I told her I was doing her a favor by stopping the lies.  Maybe she will look back someday and realize that.

Seriously, holding all that knowledge of how he was lying to her (and me too) was just SO HEAVY.  It was killing me.

Back in October, after the first time we spent the night together, he promised me that if I ever told her he would hate me forever that she didn’t deserve to be hurt.  I went over there knowing full well it would end my relationship with him once and for all and that I had finally reached the point that I was that desperate to have it all end.  I also fully expected her to hear him out and give him another chance.

Much to my surprise, she loaded her car with all her belongings and told him to fuck off.  I applaud her strength.  She is a stronger person than either he or I.  It was the best thing she could do for herself.

He has tried to apologize to me and keeps telling me he lost his way and meant well and wants to be a better person.  In hind sight I have really come to the conclusion that he has something seriously wrong with him but I don’t understand exactly what it is.  He just can’t seem to be loving and respectful to people even when he says (thinks) he is.

I fully believe he was happy with her so why did he have to continually mess with me?  Why not just go and be happy?  Maybe he just really can’t commit to anything.  Maybe just greed.  Who knows?

Moving Day

Yesterday morning two of Kevin's best friends showed up with pick up trucks and a trailer and loaded all of him belongings up and moved them to his new house.

I stayed home to supervise and be sure nothing was taken that I thought shouldn't go.

It was hard to watch him drive the tractor out of the garage and on to the trailer.  I cried.  His buddy Doug gave me a very sweet hug.

When he took the kitchen table leaving my kitchen so empty it made me feel empty.  At one point I decided to go see if the table and chairs I had once wanted was still for sale at the local furniture store.  It was marked 20% off so I bought it....and a sectional.  My old black couch looked terrible in the living room so I spent about $3000 out of my precious savings account so my house would be pretty and I could stand to be in it.

I know it is for the best, but my heart still hurts.  But the sting of losing him has been something I have been living with for over 9 months now.  And loving someone who has shut you out but is still in your house is something I  have endured for most of the past 10 years.  I know my life will be better without that kind of torture on a daily basis.

Beanie and I rode along on one of his trips so we got to see the new house.  It is not nearly as nice as this one but it has all the room he will need; a nice big guest room for his daughter to stay in when she visits, a huge pantry and master walk in closet and he can use bedroom #3 to store his bins of shirts he won't part with and other stuff like that.  The two car garage will house his tractor and his new truck.  It's pretty perfect for him.  He will be happy there.

So now I need to figure out what will make me happy.  Right now there is not a lot in my life that is doing that.

My new job is great because I have totally flexible hours but that is about the only good thing about it. I am terribly underpaid for what I am doing and there is pretty much nothing about that office that is being done correctly.  Management is not good at managing and they are....wait for it......not making a profit.  I have been told I will get a big fat raise once they get things back on track and start making money again.  Somehow I don't think it will ever happen.  I am still keeping my eye open for a better place to be employed.  I am very worried I will be jobless again soon.

JDK, who had been ramping up the charm and being very loving has cooled off completely now that the child support issue is behind us.  I think having Kevin out of the picture has also made him feel he needs to be much more cautious with his words and actions because there is no long the dynamic of we are both cheating since I have nothing to lose but he could lose his girlfriend if I wanted to rat him out.  I have wanted to, but I never would.  I know that would just backfire.  The thing JDK doesn't know is that I haven't really had a boyfriend for over 6 months so I had nothing to lose the whole time.    I am sure JDK assumed Kevin and I were still "together" and that I was just lying when I said he lived in the basement.  In fact now that I think about it he did get cooler once he saw for himself that Kevin's clothes were not in my closet.

I really don't want him back but I do enjoy the loving.  It feels so good to have sex with him.  It is familiar and comforting in a way.  And, if I am honest, I keep at it the hopes that yeah, she might catch him and you know that is what he deserves.   It's a mess I know.  But really I feel pretty powerless to not except the affection.  It is the only love I get.

Last weekend I joined and internet dating site and have been chatting with a few guys.  They all seem nice enough but I don't think any of them are going to be a good long term fit.  For now it is just a nice distraction to have a fellow to chat with when I am bored or lonely.  I haven't met any of them in person yet.  I won't do that until after I close on the house.

Monday I have a big project due at work so Monday will suck.  Tuesday I close on my new loan and give Kevin his precious 90k check.  He will then only be aloud in MY house if I let him in.  I am getting all the locked changed and there are a lot of locks on this damn house.  There goes another $100 I don't have.

I plan to rent the basement to someone which will go a long way towards helping me afford this place.  I have a few people who have shown interest.  Hopefully one of them will pan out.

Oh and JDK had something janky going on this weekend so have my daughter all weekend. (not that I mind)   Next weekend he has a bike race, so once again, I have her all weekend long.  This is making my ability to go out on a date with one of these new boas difficult.  Then again the longer I wait before meeting them the longer I can fantasize that I will actually LIKE them once I see them in person.  Yeah, I know, not the best attitude.