All I Have

As you all probably know, my father left our family when I was a child.  He may have given me a few gifts after that point but I really don't recall even what they were and I certainly don't still have them.  Usually I think he would give me a check for my birthday.  The only gift I can remember was something his wife picked out for me and it was clothes that I would NEVER wear and a purse that I would never use.  They didn't really know me at all.

 

This little wood shelf made of scrap lumber is one thing that I have that my father made for me when I was a child.  It used to be in my closet to store my shoes on.  When I moved out of my mothers home at 16 I took it with me.  It hasn't been used for shoes in years.  Now it sits in the garge by the door as a convenient place to drop something on your way in or out of the house or store the whisk broom and rose fertilizer.  I think when I lived with Husband we did keep the lawn mowing shoes on it.

 

Anyway that is one thing that I have from my father.

 

 

Here is the other item.  This is an old waste paper basket that he kept in his office when he lived with my us.  It is a bit rusty.  When he left my childhood home he left it behind.  I guess he didn't think it was fancy enough for the new wife.  Later I took a shine to it as a teenager because it was kind of flashy and mod.  I basically adopted it as mine and have had it ever since.   It now sits by my makeup table and I use it to toss tissues and Q-tips in.

 

I am sure if I died tomorrow no one would have a clue that these two item are priceless to me.  They would probably pitch them assuming they weren't even worth giving to the Goodwill or selling at a garage sale. 

 

That is it folks.....that is all I have left of my father.

 

My mother may have some childhood photos that I will dig out of her basement when she passes away.  I am so dreading the day I have to deal with her house.  She is a bit of a hoarder!

Warning Signs of the Emotionally Distant Abuser

I found this on Heartless-Bitches.com

You know who it makes me think of!

These are some of the specific characteristics of emotional abuse used by those who control their relationship by keeping their partners involved with them while maintaining an emotional distance for themselves.

1.He walks away while you are talking to him.

2.He turns on something noisy when you are talking to him, like the TV, radio, a fan, or the faucet. He sometimes even turns the volume or noise up so he can hear it over you as you are speaking.

3.When you say something, he doesn't respond at all, even to acknowledge that he heard you.

4.He doesn't ask you how your day was.

5.He shares his life experiences with anyone but you. He shares his life, point of view, and mundane day-to-day events with his friends, but you have no idea what is going on in his life.

6.He will plan things and not tell you. His friend or a contractor will appear and it'll be a surprise to you, but he's known about it for days.

7.He will lie, but it seems that he doesn't care if you catch him in a lie. He enjoys baiting you into catching him lying so he can blame you for it.

8.He mumbles or chooses ineffective language for the purpose of being intentionally vague and confusing. He may blame you for not understanding him.

9.He wants sex from you, and blames you for having no interest in him. But this is all he expects from you. Take care of your chores and have sex with him, that's it. He may want something else, like money, favors, something he has defined as your role. He shows the most interest in you when he's trying to collect on this expectation.

10.The two of you will be alone for hours in the house or in a car and he won't say a word to you. If you try to strike up a conversation, you get a one word response.

11.He gets angry and blames you when you point out your experiences of being ignored. He denies any responsibility when you call him on it. If you are really mad and make moves to distance yourself from him, he gets better, like he was when you first started dating. It is only temporary, though.

12.If you really need him for support, he blames you for your predicament. Support is rarely given. Your needs are always criticized.

13.The crazy-making is underhanded and comes in many forms, not just ignoring you, though that is the primary form. He may break something and let you discover it, leave a significant mess, put things back in the wrong place so you can't find them when you need them, or lend items to neighbors and not tell you.

14.He acts cold and withdrawn and ignores you most of the time, unless he wants something from you.

15.He keeps friends that also treat you as you are either invisible or only present to respond to their needs for a beverage, sandwich, to locate a phonebook or any kind of staff behavior.

16.He keeps things that are normally shared separate. This could be finances, friends, recreation or having a single country club membership instead of a family one. He labels things YOURS or MINE. Sharing is not an option.

These behaviors were not immediately evident at the start of the relationship - they worsened over time... after you were "hooked".

These behaviors are used to bait you, to create the crazy dysfunctional life that he is comfortable in. He gets off on instigating and to causing you to react. It gives him a feeling of control and superiority. When you stop reacting and just focus on yourself, you will break his comfort zone. It won't be pleasant when he turns martyr on you, but it's the first step in freeing yourself from being abused. It can be a very empowering experience to remove yourself from this situation.

Clarification

Friss:

I am used to talking to my son every single day.  I love him dearly.  I miss him and worry if he is really alright.  It is hell not knowing what is going on and why he can't call.  I am a little offended that my missing him could be construed as me being too dependent on him or that our relationship is unhealthy.  He is in prison....bad things could very well be happening and I would not know. 

I so wish he would call!!!

Safe:

What do I mean by safe?

Emotionally safe: a place where I can be open and honest with people (friends & family) and they won't use my words against me or be judgmental.   Where being myself is not going to "get me in trouble".   By safe I mean I want relationships with people who respect me and don't use me or lie to me or emotionally manipulate me. 

Financially safe: I don't want to feel in danger of being robbed or losing my home.  I know I would feel safer if I had my own place.  However, this home is just as much mine as it is his and I don't feel I should leave it.  I have money invested in this home and feel that I need to protect my investment. So I stay.  Otherwise I would leave.  Simple enough.

I always feel like JDK is being shifty and manipulative.  I often think I should just go no contact with him.  Then other times I feel that having a good rapport with the man that I will be raising a child with for the next 10 years is probably a better idea.  Ideally I would hope that we could reach some sort of comfort level with each other and move forward with a healthier relationship.  I think just carving a person out of your life may be a simple, quick fix but in the long run is it best for everyone?  In the long run is there not potential for growth by exploring your relationships with others and finding out on a deeper level what makes them work or fail.  I guess I am always torn about how best to proceed with him.  When he is friendly and we get a long I like it but it also confuses me.  Generally I don't think he would have a thing to do with me if it wasn't somehow going to profit him.....so what is his goal?  I always wonder.  (potentially he does it to avoid child support?  I have filed the papers to get that problem corrected.)

Living Alone:

I don't think I have ever actually lived alone.  I have always had children living with me.  From the time Chris was 3 until maybe 7 or so we lived together without a man or roommate.  It was fine, except I got robbed once and raped once and I am sure if I had not lived alone (or had a dog) neither would have taken place.  After Randy and I got divorced I lived alone for a few years.  Then after Rocco left I lived alone for 6 years or so.  And even when I was living with a roommate or man I was always the one doing the bulk of the work and paying most of the bills.  I am usually the "responsible" one in my relationships. 

I have noticed that responsible people attract people who want to be taken care of.  I think sometimes I am too responsible.  I have even been told that I am too independent or self sufficient.  In a way I think it turns some men off...men want to feel needed.

Also maintenance of a home sucks at my age.  I no longer want to worry about cleaning out gutters and mowing the grass.  I guess I could buy a condo or get an apartment but they are not financially the best choice usually.

Another reason I don't want to live alone is that I prefer to come home from work and have a human to talk to.  No offence to my dog but she isn't all the company I long for.  Long story short, I am not afraid to live on my own but I do prefer human company and would rather live with a room mate or sig. other.  Which I think is fairly normal.  Most people do live with other people and prefer it.

Trust:

Most of my life NO ONE has taken care of me; I was on my own.  I didn't really have parents.  Friss' real dad left me penniless, jobless and without a drivers license.  Randy (M&R's father) was a man child who I took care of until I just couldn't bare to do it anymore.  Rocco did take care of me for a while....well, we took care of each other.  He was a healthy person and we had a healthy relationship until he decided he could do better.  I still believe JDK never loved me and only stuck around because I was easy to get along with and I gave him way more than I expected in return.  All of these things lead me to not trust people.  And certainly don't trust them with things that are important to you!

When I met Kevin I decided to try trust instead of apprehension.  I decided to put both feet in instead of keeping one out of the door.  I chose to trust him which is something that I haven't done since Rocco left.  And I got burned!!!

Hero:

I always referred to Kevin as my hero because he was actually helpful and giving to me.  I appreciated the reciprocity of our relationship.  Much of my life people have used my generous nature to take advantage of me.  I am aware that I was probably gullible and trusting but at the same time it gets old when you try hard to be nice to people and the net result is they screw you over.

But, jokes on me because Kevin screwed me over too!! I am sure there are many people who take great pleasure in that Karma Bus hitting me.

Anyway....I never meant the term Hero to mean he would be my white night and save me from anything.  I just meant that I thought he was a good guy and good to me; good for me.  I just wanted him to be a decent human being.  I wanted us to have a solid relationship.

Maybe I said JDK looked like a super hero?  He did resemble Clark Kent when he had his glasses on.

Safe

Last weekend Kevin and I had another disagreement.  He is feeling insecure and needy and I just don't have it in me to be the loving, adoring girlfriend he wants.  I wasn't mean or anything, I just can't structure my whole life around him.  I am just too broken and confused to feed his ego right now.  I just need him to be kind and let me be me. 

I had interviewed for a part time job at a dentists office just a mile from my house.  There were lots of really good things about the job; most importantly being flexible and understanding about my need to be available for my daughter.  They phoned me Monday and made me an offer.  I agonized all day yesterday about what I should do.  Last night I told them that I couldn't take the job.  Ultimately I don't feel stable enough to commit myself to anything right now.  I was worried I would take it and fail and I didn't want to do that to them.

Yesterday I worked at the construction company all day and basically churned out a large quantity of kick ass work.  I am good at being an accountant.  I am best at problem solving and analysis.  Ideally I need to find a job that uses those skills yet allows me to be the parent I want to be.  I wish I could figure out how to make a go of starting my own business.  It just seems too overwhelming right now. 

Monday I met with a new therapist.  Her name is Emily.  She is a shame expert and studied under Brene Brown!  I have another appointment next Monday.  I am hopeful that she will actually be able to help me.

Last week Friss was transferred to a different prison.  He was at a maximum security facility and now he is in a medium level camp.  Friday morning I spoke with him on the phone and he was excited about all the new opportunities he now has.  He would be getting a job in the cafeteria and he had applied to transfer to the wing that houses the inmates who had completed the "year long intensive therapy program".  They call it the "Post Program" group or something like that.  He also was impressed that they are not locked in their cells.  The bathrooms are down the hall and they lock their cells if they leave them.  More like a dorm room.

All weekend he didn't call which is not normal.  When I didn't hear from him on Monday I got so worried I was crying.  I finally called the prison and they informed me he was in protective custody because there was someone there he should not be around....at least that is what I think they said.  She assured me he was safe, not in trouble and I would hear from him soon.  I still have not received a call and it is very hard on me.  I miss him terribly and every day I don't talk to him just feels like a day without sunshine.

Saturday afternoon JDK and I took Beanie cycling.  It was really a lot of fun.  I am so proud of my daughter.  JDK was super nice to me all last weekend.  Then Monday cold as ice. Yesterday I found out that his girlfriend had been out of town. I am still so very confused by how he behaves and what he says and does.  I have also noticed how different Beanie behaves around him.  She is weird and silly and often acts way too overtly affectionate with him.  Last night I was just sitting here thinking about my feelings about him and our relationship and his relationship with our daughter and came to the realization that if someone makes you feel constantly confused for years on end surely there must be something really wrong with them and the relationship.  He has been selling me on how our marriage was just a big misunderstanding and he meant well.  He has been pushing for the past year to "get to a better place"  << what does that mean?  At times I feel he is sincere and is trying to be good to me/us.  Then other times I feel it is all just a sick game to him; that he is manipulating me on purpose and I don't even fully understand why. Ultimately, I don't feel safe about him and I don't really feel safe for my daughter.  I think if he was really a good guy, and I just misunderstood, things would be different.  I would figure it out. I have never struggled so much to feel safe with a person.  It shouldn't be such a struggle.  Something is very wrong, STILL and I need to just stay the hell away from him.  I am still toying with the idea of moving so we won't have to deal with him on a regular basis.

I am feeling so very alone right now.  I don't feel safe with anybody.  I still have no idea what I should do next.  I don't trust that if I choose what to do I will be making the right choice. I don't want to make things any worse.

Maybe getting a job would make me feel better and more in control of my life.  Then again I don't want to get a job here if I am just going to move.  I think we need to sell this house but it could bring with it a huge financial hit.  Maybe if Kevin and I keep trying things will get better...so why sell the house?  Maybe our relationship is doomed and I would feel better if I just faced that and moved on?

Sometimes I long to be "single" and just do my own thing.  Then again I remember how lonely and sad I was before and how heavy the weight of having EVERYTHING be my problem alone was.  At least, for now, Kevin shares a lot of the responsibility of this home....it's not all on me. 

I know I am lucky that I still have health insurance and some money in the bank.  Things could be so much worse.  I worry about losing my insurance and what I would do about that. 

I haven't been drinking....don't even want to.  Nothing has really changed since I quit drinking except I no longer express how hopeless I feel.  Now I just keep it to myself.

Last night as I tried to sleep I kept thinking....."what would make me feel safe?  How can I feel safe?"

Doing Better?

Last Friday Kevin and I had a huge fight.  I said terrible things.  I screamed and yelled.  I think I just needed to unload all the pain and anger I was building up about this whole stupid miserable situation.  It's not something I would normally do but I was drunk and just didn't give a flying fuck about what happened next.

I really can't stand to go back through all the details but it was an ugly day.  A day I don't want to remember.

Around 2 am on Saturday I woke up after a couple of hours sleep and was starting to feel anxious and upset.  I was here by myself with no wine and I hate being home alone. 

I finally decided to go get some more wine so I could go back to sleep.  I actually drove to the store only to be told that they won't sell you liquor between something like 2 am and 6 am.  I didn't know that!

I drove home feeling like a miserable piece of shit.  Then I sat and watched the clock.......with my head thinking about everything...OVER and OVER and OVER again.

I paced the house....I laid down.....I paced some more.  I never fell back asleep.  The night lasted forever.

I was toying with the idea of going back to the store at 6 am.  I was also reviewing how shitty things had gotten and how maybe I might want to get a fucking grip instead of a buzz.

From 5 am to 6 am I watched every minute of the clock tick by.  It was the longest hour of my life.  When 6 am came I didn't go to the store.  Instead I started trying to figure out what the hell to do instead.

Friss called and I chatted with him from about 8 to 9 am.   When I got off the phone with him I sat and thought some more and formulated a plan.

1) Drinking had started to become a problem not a solution.....it was time to knock that shit off.
2) JDK is never going to take me back so I need to just get past that thought.
3) Kevin isn't such a bad guy and at my age he may even be a good catch.  I know the cheating thing happened but I also feel it was a fluke and not who he really is.  The girl is in Australia for God's sake she isn't really an issue.  I might want to actually consider if there is any way to salvage our relationship, stay in the house and basically get back to plan A.  This is the simplest and most logical way to proceed.  I don't hate him.....I am just now sure how much I really love him....or he loves me.  The only way to find out is to start TRYING to make things better with him.

I called Kevin and apologized, told him I wanted to put down the anger and try again.  I told him the "crazy train" had to stop and I was willing to do all I could to make that happen.  He was very reluctant at first.  I was feeling like total shit at this point thinking he hated me and I had pissed away any chance of us ever getting back on solid ground.  I told him I wasn't going to drink anymore but I needed him to come home and stay with me.  I didn't feel strong and wanted him to be here with me to keep me company.  That maybe we could talk and work on mending.

He said he wouldn't come home; that I had said some really awful shit and he wasn't going to be over it "just like that".  I begged .....and he said no.

I paced the house some more.  I get way too anxious.  I know there is something wrong with me.  I wish there was a way to fix it.  I really do.

Later in the day he called and ask me if I wanted to meet for lunch.  I explained that I didn't feel or look very good given the lack of sleep so going out in public was not a good idea.  He then agreed to meet me at the park to talk.

We met.....both broken from all that has happened in the last few months.  We sat and held hands and talked for a couple of hours.  It was a first step.

Saturday night he said I could call him if I wanted so I did a few times.  He picked up the phone and was kind.  I didn't sleep much, as usual.

He finally came home on Monday and he took the day off so we had a chance to spend even more time together.  We talked for hours.  It was like old times.

Each day I sleep a little better than the last.  Last night I got 4 solid hours of sleep before I woke up around 1:30.  I finally fell back asleep around 3:45 and slept till about 6.  That was a good night for me.  Except in the early hours of the morning I had a nightmare about JDK.

I had two job interviews this week.  Either one might work out but neither are anything I really WANT.  I might just take one anyway.....or maybe I won't.  I don't know what is going to happen but at least I am not having an all out war in my own home anymore.

At this point it is one day at a time until somehow something points me in a direction.  Until then I just keep doing the best I can at whats in front of me.  I am trying to be a better person and not be hard on myself or my loved ones.

And I don't even WANT to drink any booze.

I suck that much

Ever since I realized that Kevin doesn't really care about me (which seemed to start almost the minute we moved into the same house) everything has been a struggle. Lesson here is always live with someone before you believe who they are!!!

D-day was July 9th and I haven't slept well ever since.

I actually told JDK I wanted to come home.  He basically told me that he still loves me and wants our family back but I have to somehow do the pick me dance to get him to leave his GF.  She is so perfect and awesome that he can never do anything mean to her.

I figured out about 4 days ago that I will sleep if I drink enough wine to make my brain shut down.  It has been so much nicer to stay drunk rather than just feel sick and anxious and out of my mind because my life is in such a fucked up state.

Yes....I am THAT fucked up!!!!

No...I didn't get the job.  I suck like that.

Kevin has decided to leave me so I am home alone.   I guess I need to start planning my next move.

Nothing really matters now.  I have my Bean and I need to figure out what I want next.

This has been a shitty fucking year.

But I have to say that it is still not as bad at 2001.  That was the worst year of my life.

I fucking hate 9/11 and I hate that people suck as much as they do.  Why can't people be kind and loving......... is it really so hard to love thy brother?