This morning’s bike ride was windy and brutal. But, after today’s ride I have logged a total of 417 miles on the bike for the month of June!
Highlights from the ride:
1)Ran into George while out biking. Very cool to see him. (Maybe I am paranoid, but he acted weird…..like he didn’t want to actually see me???)
2)Keri dropped her water bottle and we could not find it anywhere. Then, at the last second I noticed it has rolled all the way to the other side of the road and down a ways. I was a hero for spotting it.
3)Made a new cycling friend named Tom. He was very quiet at first but by the end of the ride we were chatting a lot. He admitted to being shy and a bit of an introvert. I think I did a great job of making him feel accepted. I encouraging him to get out more and I even invited him to join our MS150 team. I always feel good when helping others!
After the ride I did a little grocery run and headed home to an empty house. How relaxing!
Beanie was off at a birthday party with a family friend and husband was out on his bike.
I threw on my swim suit and headed outside to lie in the sun and work on my tan lines. I am getting some serious bike tan lines which make my muscular legs look really large. Think brown calves but big white tops of my legs. YUCK! I glob on the SPF 100 when cycling but I still get tan.
About this time Chris called and the phone flaked out and I was crushed that I didn’t get to talk to him. I can’t call him you know.
After about a half hour on each side I deemed my sunbathing complete and hit the shower. Right when I got out of the shower my friend Brent called and we decided to meet for lunch. Brent is a super duper nice guy that I just love hanging out with. If he were the least bit physically attractive to me we would have a serious problem on our hands, but, alas, not my type in the looks department. BUT still fun to have a lunch date. :)
Eventually everyone came home and we visited with “family friend” for a long time.
After she left it was just the three of us…….to be honest, I can’t remember what we did. Probably watched TV and went to bed. Husband has been pretty moody lately so I am just staying out of his way for the most part!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Friday Night Swimming with Uwe
Tonight Husband had to attend a social thing for work so I was on my own.
Uwe had been making snarky comments about how we had not yet invited him to the pool with us so I set about righting that wrong. (see how he gilts me into action)
I got off work early and ran my car through the car wash. Then I headed over to Uwe’s to do the detail work. (He was supposed to be washing his truck.) When I got there he had never started on his truck but was instead rearranging his new guest room. I helped him make the bed and then we both cleaned the windows in my car. We actually do chores together!
At 5 we picked up Beanie and headed for the pool. Our pool has a very lax guest policy so I handed the office my membership card and Uwe walked in for free.
First Beanie went off the BIG springboard diving board to show off her latest achievement. Uwe of course went off too. I had on a bikini so I didn’t do anything too wild. Then she did the slide for us and other assorted tricks / swimming performances. Uwe was appropriately impressed and interested in whatever she was up to. Then Uwe and I took turns swimming laps and playing with the kids. At one point he and I raced a lap by timing it with his watch. I won!! It was so much fun.
After the pool Beanie wanted to go OUT to eat. We talked her into grabbing a pizza on the way home. Back at Uwe’s we all sat out on the deck and had our yummy cheesy dinner together as the sun was setting.
By 9pm I was exhausted and we made our way home to bed. As I drove home I kept thinking how incredibly nice my evening had been. How I relaxed and enjoyed myself in a way that I just don’t get to do very often. How my husband would have NEVER been as much fun to have around. Husband is just not good at being a friend or companion.
It made me sad, but I was in a good mood so I didn’t let it bring me down too much.
Husband got home around 11 pm. and for some reason I had a really hard time falling asleep until he got home.
Uwe had been making snarky comments about how we had not yet invited him to the pool with us so I set about righting that wrong. (see how he gilts me into action)
I got off work early and ran my car through the car wash. Then I headed over to Uwe’s to do the detail work. (He was supposed to be washing his truck.) When I got there he had never started on his truck but was instead rearranging his new guest room. I helped him make the bed and then we both cleaned the windows in my car. We actually do chores together!
At 5 we picked up Beanie and headed for the pool. Our pool has a very lax guest policy so I handed the office my membership card and Uwe walked in for free.
First Beanie went off the BIG springboard diving board to show off her latest achievement. Uwe of course went off too. I had on a bikini so I didn’t do anything too wild. Then she did the slide for us and other assorted tricks / swimming performances. Uwe was appropriately impressed and interested in whatever she was up to. Then Uwe and I took turns swimming laps and playing with the kids. At one point he and I raced a lap by timing it with his watch. I won!! It was so much fun.
After the pool Beanie wanted to go OUT to eat. We talked her into grabbing a pizza on the way home. Back at Uwe’s we all sat out on the deck and had our yummy cheesy dinner together as the sun was setting.
By 9pm I was exhausted and we made our way home to bed. As I drove home I kept thinking how incredibly nice my evening had been. How I relaxed and enjoyed myself in a way that I just don’t get to do very often. How my husband would have NEVER been as much fun to have around. Husband is just not good at being a friend or companion.
It made me sad, but I was in a good mood so I didn’t let it bring me down too much.
Husband got home around 11 pm. and for some reason I had a really hard time falling asleep until he got home.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Some Days You Feel GOOD
Today I went to see George. We shot the shit for the first 30 minutes. I love to just talk to him. He is an interesting old fellow and we actually know a lot of the same people because we are both cyclist in this small town. I find we agree quite often when talking politics or philosophy too.
Did I tell you he and his wife lived in a commune in the 70s? Fascinating!
Then we talked about Husband a bit. I was in a good mood and really didn’t feel much like I NEEDED therapy so it wasn’t long before we were back chatting like school girls. Then my hour was up and he kept talking.
I finally figured out he had no appointment after mine and was letting me linger since we had not done much therapy. I told him all the good things I have been thinking about my husband lately. How it gives me comfort knowing that my husband is too selfish and lazy to ever have an affair. How he let me rearrange some decorations in the bedroom so it feels more like home to me. (When we moved we basically put his bedroom back the way it was so many of the things in it were not my choice at all.) How some of the things he used to do that drove me nuts no longer bother me at all.
I also told George that if anything I have adapted and compromised A LOT to make it work. We both agreed that people must do such things to make a successful marriage especially when you are a grown up and used to doing things YOUR own way.
I also think there is a point at which you give up too much of what you want in life and then it become wrong. I worry I have just completely given up on what is really important and that is why we never fight any more. I wasn’t however in the mood to go there. I was happy that I was happy so we just had a nice hour and 40 minute happy chat.
I guess it is good to feel that some days I don’t NEED therapy.
Did I tell you he and his wife lived in a commune in the 70s? Fascinating!
Then we talked about Husband a bit. I was in a good mood and really didn’t feel much like I NEEDED therapy so it wasn’t long before we were back chatting like school girls. Then my hour was up and he kept talking.
I finally figured out he had no appointment after mine and was letting me linger since we had not done much therapy. I told him all the good things I have been thinking about my husband lately. How it gives me comfort knowing that my husband is too selfish and lazy to ever have an affair. How he let me rearrange some decorations in the bedroom so it feels more like home to me. (When we moved we basically put his bedroom back the way it was so many of the things in it were not my choice at all.) How some of the things he used to do that drove me nuts no longer bother me at all.
I also told George that if anything I have adapted and compromised A LOT to make it work. We both agreed that people must do such things to make a successful marriage especially when you are a grown up and used to doing things YOUR own way.
I also think there is a point at which you give up too much of what you want in life and then it become wrong. I worry I have just completely given up on what is really important and that is why we never fight any more. I wasn’t however in the mood to go there. I was happy that I was happy so we just had a nice hour and 40 minute happy chat.
I guess it is good to feel that some days I don’t NEED therapy.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Side Effects
About a month ago, my allergies got really bad so I started to experiment with allergy medication. In my mind, I had it fixed; that no meds was a good idea so it was with great reluctance and apprehension that I did try a pill. It seemed to do nothing.
The next one I tried, offered to me by a coworker, did seem to dry up my sinuses and decrease the itchy eyes, but it also made me a bit groggy at times. Not all the time, but very much so other times. This little pink pill was cheap and my coworker swears it NEVER makes her sleepy so I took it for a few weeks. It did seem to help my allergies, but at the same time, I was feeling particularly depressed.
I attributed the depression to the fact that Rocco is moving back to town, I didn’t get that ideal job, my favorite inner souls are no longer for sale and both my teenagers chose to go out and get large, expensive tattoos on their legs, etc. etc.
Then about a week ago I was drooped over my desk unable to function and I decided that the allergy medicine had to go. I was just so darn sleepy. Another coworker offered me a different allergy pill, this one was in a bottle with a lime green lid. I took it and it seemed to do nothing the first day, but I took it again the next morning and my allergies seemed fine all day so I declared the switch a huge success. I was no longer living in a drugged out blur.
Then, yesterday, I was sitting at my desk fighting to keep my eyes open and began to wonder if this new pill wasn’t making me sleepy as well. (It would be a lot easier to tell if the change was definite and pervasive.)
Last night, I lay awake in bed after an exhausting day. I wasn’t sleepy at all. I had been taking the new pills each morning. Mmm…I wonder, if I took them at night, maybe I would sleep better and not be tired during the day.
So today I took NOTHING and I feel better than I have in say….about a month. I haven’t had any allergy issues either and I did run outside this morning. (Let’s hope the worst of allergy season is behind me.) I feel way less depressed, not sleepy at all and more motivated than I have in a long time.
Gee….maybe my original assumption that allergy meds are evil was correct!
Just sayin’.
The next one I tried, offered to me by a coworker, did seem to dry up my sinuses and decrease the itchy eyes, but it also made me a bit groggy at times. Not all the time, but very much so other times. This little pink pill was cheap and my coworker swears it NEVER makes her sleepy so I took it for a few weeks. It did seem to help my allergies, but at the same time, I was feeling particularly depressed.
I attributed the depression to the fact that Rocco is moving back to town, I didn’t get that ideal job, my favorite inner souls are no longer for sale and both my teenagers chose to go out and get large, expensive tattoos on their legs, etc. etc.
Then about a week ago I was drooped over my desk unable to function and I decided that the allergy medicine had to go. I was just so darn sleepy. Another coworker offered me a different allergy pill, this one was in a bottle with a lime green lid. I took it and it seemed to do nothing the first day, but I took it again the next morning and my allergies seemed fine all day so I declared the switch a huge success. I was no longer living in a drugged out blur.
Then, yesterday, I was sitting at my desk fighting to keep my eyes open and began to wonder if this new pill wasn’t making me sleepy as well. (It would be a lot easier to tell if the change was definite and pervasive.)
Last night, I lay awake in bed after an exhausting day. I wasn’t sleepy at all. I had been taking the new pills each morning. Mmm…I wonder, if I took them at night, maybe I would sleep better and not be tired during the day.
So today I took NOTHING and I feel better than I have in say….about a month. I haven’t had any allergy issues either and I did run outside this morning. (Let’s hope the worst of allergy season is behind me.) I feel way less depressed, not sleepy at all and more motivated than I have in a long time.
Gee….maybe my original assumption that allergy meds are evil was correct!
Just sayin’.
Monday, June 24, 2013
MONDAY BLAH
It’s Monday….one of my least favorite days. I had crazy interesting dreams last night / this morning and woke up sleeping alone in the basement guest room because I was too hot upstairs. (I often overhead at night, worse lately, I am getting to be “that” old. *sad face*)
I like sleeping in the basement though. The bed is soft and it is VERY quiet and cool except the perfect hum of the little box fan I have strategically placed in the corner to circulate the air ever so slightly. I was dreaming about how I had rented an apartment in a new, cool town. It was two stories and the lower story was the bed room. I shared it with a roommate but he slept in a bunk bed on the opposite wall. We were brainstorming how to best cover the concrete walls. The basement bedroom had one wall that as not underground. It was just a lot of windows. Outside I saw the rain drizzling on a side walk. I loved the apartment though. At one point I walked outside to find a wilderness wonderland (it’s a dream so it doesn’t have to make sense) complete with wild animals and majestic views. It must have been Montana or Wyoming.
When I finally woke up to realize it was Monday I immediately felt anxiety. You see, my job is not going well. The owner of the small company I work for has a nasty habit of spending up all our cash so we are currently fighting a very serious cash flow battle. I predict that in the not too distant future, we will be hard pressed to make the payroll. We are already getting calls from angry vendors about past due invoices that we have not paid. I have vowed that I will quit my job if it gets too bad. I am just too darn old and bitter to put up with the nonsense that is coming. I have already paid my dues in that respect when I worked in automotive during the not profitable years. (Still find it hard to believe that Ford and Chrysler are actually making a profit. I am suspicious.)
Another option, that is heavy on my mind, is firing my “assistant”. She does the grunt work and processes the weekly payroll. Stuff I really hate to do, but, at this point work is so slow that one person could easily do both jobs.
This week I have to help her with the payroll in preparation for her taking a huge vacation next month. I don’t usually do payroll so I need a refresher on the details. I also know that this “training” period will help me out should we need to fire her. Blah…I hate being a grown up.
Ideally, I would get a new job and leave her here to do both jobs. This would also help our little company with cash flow as I am crazy overpaid at the same time I would not have to fire her or deal with the sinking ship. WIN – WIN!!
Which leads me to a story that you missed earlier this month.
Clink >>> HERE <<< to go back and read it.
I like sleeping in the basement though. The bed is soft and it is VERY quiet and cool except the perfect hum of the little box fan I have strategically placed in the corner to circulate the air ever so slightly. I was dreaming about how I had rented an apartment in a new, cool town. It was two stories and the lower story was the bed room. I shared it with a roommate but he slept in a bunk bed on the opposite wall. We were brainstorming how to best cover the concrete walls. The basement bedroom had one wall that as not underground. It was just a lot of windows. Outside I saw the rain drizzling on a side walk. I loved the apartment though. At one point I walked outside to find a wilderness wonderland (it’s a dream so it doesn’t have to make sense) complete with wild animals and majestic views. It must have been Montana or Wyoming.
When I finally woke up to realize it was Monday I immediately felt anxiety. You see, my job is not going well. The owner of the small company I work for has a nasty habit of spending up all our cash so we are currently fighting a very serious cash flow battle. I predict that in the not too distant future, we will be hard pressed to make the payroll. We are already getting calls from angry vendors about past due invoices that we have not paid. I have vowed that I will quit my job if it gets too bad. I am just too darn old and bitter to put up with the nonsense that is coming. I have already paid my dues in that respect when I worked in automotive during the not profitable years. (Still find it hard to believe that Ford and Chrysler are actually making a profit. I am suspicious.)
Another option, that is heavy on my mind, is firing my “assistant”. She does the grunt work and processes the weekly payroll. Stuff I really hate to do, but, at this point work is so slow that one person could easily do both jobs.
This week I have to help her with the payroll in preparation for her taking a huge vacation next month. I don’t usually do payroll so I need a refresher on the details. I also know that this “training” period will help me out should we need to fire her. Blah…I hate being a grown up.
Ideally, I would get a new job and leave her here to do both jobs. This would also help our little company with cash flow as I am crazy overpaid at the same time I would not have to fire her or deal with the sinking ship. WIN – WIN!!
Which leads me to a story that you missed earlier this month.
Clink >>> HERE <<< to go back and read it.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Learning to Ask for what I Need
So I biked last night and had a super good / hard ride. Then a bunch of folks decided to hang out and socialize after the ride. At first I just wanted to go home but then I decided to be sociable and ended up sitting by my good friends Bob and Alyssa. I enjoyed catching up with them both and didn’t get home until almost 8:30 pm. (Alyssa is a newer friend who i have been cycling and running with!)
When I walked in the door you could feel the tension. Husband was in a bad mood. Funny how the minute I start talking about how much better he has been he seems to revert.
Kind of like the minute I wrote down that I was hoping Ramone didn’t get a tattoo she went and got one.
Anyhoo…..I came in and got some dinner, put Beanie to bed and put away a few things, etc. I asked husband how he was and got grunts and negative vibes but no real discussion or interaction. The minute I took our daughter to put her to bed he turned off the bedroom light and went to bed. I guess he was NOT in the mood to see me. Fine, whatever; I am way past the point that I let it upset me. Still, it is unpleasant to live with him when he acts like this and I am glad he doesn’t do it very often any more.
Yesterday I was telling George that Husband is nicer to me…..but the more I think about it the more I realize it really isn’t that he is “nicer” but he is easier to live with. He has been less moody. Unlike a year ago, I no longer assume that when I get home he might be throwing off the “fuck you” vibe. Usually he seems to be in an agreeable mood these days.
He has been better about sharing duties around the house and with our daughter too. Lately he is very reliable that on Tuesdays and Thursdays he gets her ready for school, drops her off and picks her up. I do as I please on these days. (Run in the morning and bike after work.) On Monday, Wednesday & Friday he does as he pleases and I take care of the girl and the house. I used to wonder where he was or what he was doing or wish he would tell me how his day was. I don’t do that anymore. Now, on his free days I just forget he exists and on my free days I do too. So basically we don’t really see each other or talk to each other much on weekdays.
A friend told me that we are like divorced people that share a house and in many ways that is true. It is sad, but I am happier now that I have decided not to really care about our marriage. Letting go of my expectations does make a huge difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This morning I was thinking about my brother and how he never responded to me when I asked if he wanted to go visit our father with me. (Silly me had visions of us driving together and having a nice litte weekend trip together.) I also had sent him a message through his girlfriend to which he also chose not to reply. I really don’t care if he wants to see Pop or not, but he could have at least responded to me with a simple “no thanks”.
So this morning (with my clear morning mind) it occurred to me to tell my brother what was on my mind so I sent him the following text message:
Hey Bill.... I get that u may not want to visit pop. But never responding to me is rather rude and annoying. I would prefer to feel we are on good terms and care about each other but when you ignore my messages it kind of chaps my ass!
He immediately responded with “sorry to chap, been busy, will call you later when off work”….which makes me feel much better. So good for me, I spoke up about how I felt and got some valuable feedback. Why I didn’t send that message to him weeks ago is beyond me. I am such an idiot.
When I walked in the door you could feel the tension. Husband was in a bad mood. Funny how the minute I start talking about how much better he has been he seems to revert.
Kind of like the minute I wrote down that I was hoping Ramone didn’t get a tattoo she went and got one.
Anyhoo…..I came in and got some dinner, put Beanie to bed and put away a few things, etc. I asked husband how he was and got grunts and negative vibes but no real discussion or interaction. The minute I took our daughter to put her to bed he turned off the bedroom light and went to bed. I guess he was NOT in the mood to see me. Fine, whatever; I am way past the point that I let it upset me. Still, it is unpleasant to live with him when he acts like this and I am glad he doesn’t do it very often any more.
Yesterday I was telling George that Husband is nicer to me…..but the more I think about it the more I realize it really isn’t that he is “nicer” but he is easier to live with. He has been less moody. Unlike a year ago, I no longer assume that when I get home he might be throwing off the “fuck you” vibe. Usually he seems to be in an agreeable mood these days.
He has been better about sharing duties around the house and with our daughter too. Lately he is very reliable that on Tuesdays and Thursdays he gets her ready for school, drops her off and picks her up. I do as I please on these days. (Run in the morning and bike after work.) On Monday, Wednesday & Friday he does as he pleases and I take care of the girl and the house. I used to wonder where he was or what he was doing or wish he would tell me how his day was. I don’t do that anymore. Now, on his free days I just forget he exists and on my free days I do too. So basically we don’t really see each other or talk to each other much on weekdays.
A friend told me that we are like divorced people that share a house and in many ways that is true. It is sad, but I am happier now that I have decided not to really care about our marriage. Letting go of my expectations does make a huge difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This morning I was thinking about my brother and how he never responded to me when I asked if he wanted to go visit our father with me. (Silly me had visions of us driving together and having a nice litte weekend trip together.) I also had sent him a message through his girlfriend to which he also chose not to reply. I really don’t care if he wants to see Pop or not, but he could have at least responded to me with a simple “no thanks”.
So this morning (with my clear morning mind) it occurred to me to tell my brother what was on my mind so I sent him the following text message:
Hey Bill.... I get that u may not want to visit pop. But never responding to me is rather rude and annoying. I would prefer to feel we are on good terms and care about each other but when you ignore my messages it kind of chaps my ass!
He immediately responded with “sorry to chap, been busy, will call you later when off work”….which makes me feel much better. So good for me, I spoke up about how I felt and got some valuable feedback. Why I didn’t send that message to him weeks ago is beyond me. I am such an idiot.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
George is a Smarty-Pants
So the first thing he asked me when I got there today is “what can I do for you?”
I responded with “fix me”. He says well…if you were fixed, how would your world be different?
I told him I would view my life as being more pleasure than pain; that the joy would be worth the sorrow. That I often don’t want to get up and do the day. I wish I could just hide out from the real world.
Then we spent a long time talking about depression. He pointed out that I do get out of bed every day. I said but I don’t want to. He said but you do. I told him I needed to work for money. He praised me for making decisions that are good for me.
We talked about how my husband is being so much kinder to me lately. I told him I think it is because he is afraid I am about to lose my mind and he doesn’t want to trigger my breakdown. I seriously think husband feels like I am on the verge of some total collapse and he is scared.
George grilled me on why I have to paint a negative story for his motivation. Why can’t I just think husband loves me and wants me to be happy and is doing a better job at being a good husband like I have always wanted? I told George that after years of him being a jerk to me it is hard to believe he has changed. I have been conditioned over the past 6 years. George points out that he is giving me more of what I want….that things are better….that I should be happy progress is being made in the right direction.
And you know what? It irritated the shit out of me that George makes it so damn simple. I am realizing that I am totally resistant to the idea that my husband may actually have admirable motives. I suppose it is counterproductive of me to be so negative and defensive. So frustrating.
Then in the last few minutes of our session I told him how screwed up every relationship in my life is and how I am tired of having to find my inner “I don’t give a fuck” to get thru the day.
He pointed out that I have to quit expecting people to be what they are not. That if my brother doesn’t want to be in touch then I need to except that and not let it bother me. I told him I want to have a real family. He pointed out that I have the family I have and that isn’t going to change just because I don’t like it.
He is right you know. I let the fact that my family is all fucked up get to me and really there is no reason to do that. I let myself get angry or mad…..I make myself upset. Why do I do that to myself???
I guess I am just mad (in general) that I don’t have a good supportive family, that my marriage is so much less than I had hoped, that my teenagers have fucked up priorities, that my job situation is deteriorating every day and finding a new job is not going to be easy or quick, that friends have abandoned me, etc. etc.
Life is fucking disappointing!
AND THEN WE WERE OUT OF TIME….just when it was getting really good.
So next week I need to go in and tell him “I want to be less angry at the world for not being the way I want it” “I want to be able to appreciate the fact that my husband is better than he was instead of still seeing him as a mere fraction of what I want and need in a spouse.” “Make me see a glass half full not half empty!!”
UGH!!!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Allergies
My allergies are worse this year than they have been in like 13 years. Such a bummer. I am currently so doped up on allergy meds that I am living in a constant fog.
I just want to say HI to all my bloggy friends and to let Birdie know I am thinking of YOU!
(((HUGS))) to you all!
I just want to say HI to all my bloggy friends and to let Birdie know I am thinking of YOU!
(((HUGS))) to you all!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Father's Day
Today I drove 2 hours (each way) to go visit my father. The visit went well and I am glad I went. While I was there he quipped about how his kids don’t keep in touch or something to that effect. I understand why this little old man in frail health might actually appreciate it if his offspring showed an interest in him. BUT, I have to say, he spent his whole life being separate from us so he has no one to blame but himself.
My father (Pop) was born in 1925 so that makes him 88. He is OLD….and his health is poor. The only reason I went to see him was because I thought it might make the old guy feel good. (I think it did.) I really have no need/interest in visiting him for myself. It’s far too late to actually start a relationship with him. I just went to visit so he would feel loved. I hate to think of him dying all sad and thinking his kids didn’t love him.
As a daughter, I have always loved my father. But I am also very aware that he did not treat us like a father should…….that he didn’t do “Dad” things with us, for us. It makes me sad that for the most part I never had a father in my life but I don’t hold it against him. I believe he meant well and did the best HE could.
My earliest memories of Pop are of him doing projects around the house. Digging a hole to patch a leak in the basement or trimming the bushes with a piece of twine to signify the perfect height.
Pop is a retired mechanical engineer. He worked at a large aircraft manufacturer after putting himself through college on the G.I. Bill. He was successful and proud of himself. I remember with fondness how my little brother and I would rush to great him when he returned home from work each night wearing a suit and tie, carrying a brief case.
When I was in 4th grade, one Saturday morning, my father unceremoniously announced that he was moving out. He backed up a rental U-haul truck, took his desk, his bar from the basement and his clothing and left. I was young enough that I only understood some of what was going on. I was old enough that I was sad and hurt by the whole event. I don’t think either of my parents felt I was old enough to be impacted by the whole thing. Certainly no one seemed to worry about our (my little brother also) feelings.
Later I would understand that he moved directly into an apartment with his new girl friend. Her name is Mona and they are still married to this day. (I found out they got married when he showed up wearing a wedding ring.) At this point I am grateful she is there to take care of him. He could not live on his own in his current deteriorated condition.
After he moved out, my father, being a fairly responsible person, would always pay his child support on time. He also chose to pick us up once a week for an hour and take us to a local fast food restaurant. This was his way of still being a part of our lives. It started out that we would have lunch on Saturday at Steak-n-shake with him. Later it changed to dinner on Tuesdays at McDonalds. That was it….one hour a week. He would actually check his watch and return us to our mother at the end of that hour. (I think Mona was waiting for him.)
The only time we were ever invited to his house was at Christmas and maybe our birthdays once or twice. Usually birthdays were done at nicer restaurants where Pop would actually eat with us rather than just watch us eat like he usually did at McDonalds.
After we were 16 or so we no longer had our weekly hour long visits. No doubt we as teens had other priorities. As young adults we would still go to Pop’s for Christmas until one year (2001?) he announced that he and Mona were getting too old to host the event. And that was it….the end of any family get togethers.
Since then, if I wanted any contact with my father it was up to me to call and ask to visit him; which for some reason always felt like begging to see him. He would in fact turn down our visits if they were spur of the moment requests and not planned out well in advance. You didn’t just drop by to say hi!
In 2002 or around then, he had some heart problems and had open heart surgery. I found out a month later when I received a post card from his wife explaining that he was now home and recovering and everything went well so he thought we should know about it. At the time I was shocked and saddened that he felt this was the appropriate way to communicate with us. I assume he didn’t want to upset or worry anyone but really it just made me feel that much more like an outsider in his life.
Today he told me that my older half brother, Chuck, called to wish him a Happy Fathers day but that my older half sister, Linda, and my younger brother (Bill) had made no contact with him in quite some time. He even said that Chuck doesn’t know where Linda or his mother is living these days.
I had tried to get my younger brother to go with me today, (text, emails and phone convo with his gf) but he declined to ever respond to my request at all. He wasn’t even polite enough to tell me no thanks. He just ignores me most of the time. Frankly my family just sucks and I am really sick of it!
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I just remembered what he actually said "when I divorced your mother you kids divorced me!" The man is out of his mind!!! My little brother was 5 at the time and doesn't even remember him living with us.
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I just remembered what he actually said "when I divorced your mother you kids divorced me!" The man is out of his mind!!! My little brother was 5 at the time and doesn't even remember him living with us.
Friday, June 14, 2013
A New Job is Handed To Me
Last Thursday morning at 5:30 I reported (as usual) to my group run when my friend Brent asked me if I needed a job. I said yes, of course, if you have a lead pass it on. He told me that indeed he knew that the accountant at my daughter’s soon-to-be private school was going to quit all of a sudden like. We didn’t get to finish our talk though because it was time to start the workout and everyone took off running.
Later I recalled our conversation and emailed him. He sent me back her resignation letter and her boss’s response! So yes indeed she had quit that very day. (I guess he is dating this gal cause he was really sketching on how he was privy to all this information.) He also told me it was strictly personal and she was not quitting due to adverse work conditions.
I happened to also know the I.T. guy at the school and emailed him immediately to ask how I should proceed if I wanted to put my name in for the position. While I waited for his response, I looked around the school’s website and found the open book keeper position had already been posted! I quickly spruced up my resume, composed a cover letter and shot it over to the school via the internet per the instructions listed on the web page. Meanwhile my I.T. friend responded and I told him I had sent it and he said he would put in the good word for me.
At this point I am so excited. A job falling into my lap and an inside connection; how could I go wrong. At 4 pm I got a call from the school to set up an interview. My dreams were coming true; this might actually work out perfect for EVERYONE!
The very next day I took a long lunch break and went over for the interview. I thought it went well but salary was never discussed. I asked about the time frame for filling the job and they said they wanted it filled by next Thursday. I left feeling very positive that I had a real shot at the job and I mulled over how low I would be willing to go salary wise. A huge benefit of the job would be that I could work from 7:30 – 3:30 which coincides with my daughter’s school day so we would not have to hire after school care nor would she need to be dropped off on my way to work. Also, the school is about 4 miles from our house; so handy. It would be perfect!
All weekend long I was happy and excited but tried not to tell the whole world in fear I would jinx myself. Monday came and went and no word but that was fine. When Thursday came and went and I had not heard a peep my hopes were pretty much gone and disappointment was settling in.
This morning, the phone rang around 10 am and it was an unfamiliar number. I knew exactly what it was. I answered and sure enough, I was a great candidate but they chose someone else for the position. To say I am down is an understatement. I am CRUSHED, devastated. It would have been ideal. It is so hard to find a job here. I had started to pack my stuff…I was getting things in order so I could leave. UGH
In retrospect, I asked a ton of good questions and everyone seemed eager and happy at the interview, but they didn’t ask the questions you would expect if they are serious about hiring you. They never asked me how soon I could be available. They never asked what kind of salary I was looking for. They didn’t ask for references. I think they already had someone in mind and talked to me as a backup plan.
So dang disappointed!!
Later I recalled our conversation and emailed him. He sent me back her resignation letter and her boss’s response! So yes indeed she had quit that very day. (I guess he is dating this gal cause he was really sketching on how he was privy to all this information.) He also told me it was strictly personal and she was not quitting due to adverse work conditions.
I happened to also know the I.T. guy at the school and emailed him immediately to ask how I should proceed if I wanted to put my name in for the position. While I waited for his response, I looked around the school’s website and found the open book keeper position had already been posted! I quickly spruced up my resume, composed a cover letter and shot it over to the school via the internet per the instructions listed on the web page. Meanwhile my I.T. friend responded and I told him I had sent it and he said he would put in the good word for me.
At this point I am so excited. A job falling into my lap and an inside connection; how could I go wrong. At 4 pm I got a call from the school to set up an interview. My dreams were coming true; this might actually work out perfect for EVERYONE!
The very next day I took a long lunch break and went over for the interview. I thought it went well but salary was never discussed. I asked about the time frame for filling the job and they said they wanted it filled by next Thursday. I left feeling very positive that I had a real shot at the job and I mulled over how low I would be willing to go salary wise. A huge benefit of the job would be that I could work from 7:30 – 3:30 which coincides with my daughter’s school day so we would not have to hire after school care nor would she need to be dropped off on my way to work. Also, the school is about 4 miles from our house; so handy. It would be perfect!
All weekend long I was happy and excited but tried not to tell the whole world in fear I would jinx myself. Monday came and went and no word but that was fine. When Thursday came and went and I had not heard a peep my hopes were pretty much gone and disappointment was settling in.
This morning, the phone rang around 10 am and it was an unfamiliar number. I knew exactly what it was. I answered and sure enough, I was a great candidate but they chose someone else for the position. To say I am down is an understatement. I am CRUSHED, devastated. It would have been ideal. It is so hard to find a job here. I had started to pack my stuff…I was getting things in order so I could leave. UGH
In retrospect, I asked a ton of good questions and everyone seemed eager and happy at the interview, but they didn’t ask the questions you would expect if they are serious about hiring you. They never asked me how soon I could be available. They never asked what kind of salary I was looking for. They didn’t ask for references. I think they already had someone in mind and talked to me as a backup plan.
So dang disappointed!!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
A Mother's Fears Come True
Today.....both Ramone and Monster went and got this tattoo on their legs.
I am just sick to my stomach over it.
Sick that they are doing permanent damage to their bodies....sick that they choose to spend their money this way. Sick that next time they approach me and say "Mom...my car is broke down you have to help me out." I am going to have to say "gosh...maybe you should have saved up for an emergency instead of spending so much money on a tattoo!"
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
NOW WHAT???
so...I have reason to beleive that Roccos wife has been reading THIS blog. Yes! Maybe for years. I am not positive but I am suspicious. I can't decide what to do but I feel paralized.
I can't pour my heart out on the page if she is reading now can I?
I am embarased too.
Thinking on how to proceed.
I can't pour my heart out on the page if she is reading now can I?
I am embarased too.
Thinking on how to proceed.
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