Some pics from the Memphis Birthday Trip

The cabin we stayed in.  Basic but great on a rainy weekend.

Touring Graceland.  I have a new appreciation for Elvis.  It was very cool.

Beale Street was so much fun!

He put that hat on my head and declared he was buying it for me.  I love that man so much!

House we arrived 5 minutes too late to tour.  We were so sad.

Many cool old homes to be seen.

A Selfie!  (I need to practice this fine art.

Beale Street getting crowded as we were headed home

Job thoughts

First I have to say that lately I am so busy and overwhelmed with life that I want to jump off a cliff. There are too many people relying on me and too many things I need to do. I want off the roller coaster so badly. I want a relaxed, happy life. Surely there is such a thing in the REAL world. (is winning the lottery the only solution?)

(Don't get me wrong though, this stress is nothing compared to the emotional stress involved when being married to a person that doesn't love you and must live a lie 24/7)

So I haven't commentated on blogs or even had time to read much lately....that makes me sad. Between working, my kids, house and dog.....and sleeping there is not much free time. I guess I really underestimated how much my old job allowed me to have personal time during work hours. I know I used to blog at work and have the ability to ran errands, balance my check book, even analyze my Garmin results. But holy moly it just seems like I have WAY more stuff that I need to do than time to do it.

Just today I left work at 3:30, picked up the Bean from school, took the dog home and changed clothes, got an oil change, stopped by the AT&T store because my phone photos won't offload to my new PC then went to the car wash and the sporting goods store. Then we did homework and dinner and headed to Kevin's for a little Dancing With The Stars and Beanie fell asleep around eight (which is good) so we came home and I finally had to blog (now) when I should be sleeping...been up since 4:30 am...ran this morning. I RUN ALL FUCKING DAY LONG to get things done. so exhausted.

Biggest issue at the moment is where will I work....where will I land? I am currently working at the nursery about 35 hours a week. It is a laid back place where I am paid hourly and have much freedom to just be me (and a mom) and no one cares. I am also still helping out the dying company I used to work for. They are limping along and my conscience wont let me abandon them. I hate it but I have agreed to help them close the books for September which means I will be expected to work 10-20 hours around mid October. In return they are providing me with one more month of insurance.

Have I told you lately how jealous I am of the stay at home moms in the world?

Then, there is the new job offer. One of my good friends, Julia, her husband has a property management company which is taking over the world. His company is growing because he is an amazing business man and a total go getter. He has basically begged me to be the CFO of his million dollar company. He has offered me most everything I could want and an annual bonus. This company will be huge and if I sign up now I could see HUGE profits in the long run. (I will be like the right hand man to Bill Gates.) I am not kidding this is a company that will, without a doubt be BIG one day. I would be a fool to pass it up.

BUT........do I want that stress? Do I want to work hard? Do I want to be an integral part of an UP AND COMING company? Is it worth 6 figures? I am not sure I really want the pressure. I may be a lot happier poor and relaxed!

I told Don I would let him know by 6 pm on Sunday. Gah....I really wish he would have asked me (actually he begged me) a bit later. I just want a few months of an easy, low key existence. I might be totally up for a challenge once the novelty of the Nursery job wears off.

I know I am lucky to have options and a boyfriend that supports me no matter what. I am really not complaining. Well, expect about the fact that there is never enough time.

I will head to bed now, and read blogs till I fall asleep.

I want Shannon to know I cried when I heard about the baby.

And Birdie, I think of you every day.

Zoe....I miss hearing about how you and kids are. I know you are just busy. I am glad you are happier!

I can't even read Eden any more.....I mean I do, but it is hard. I have read EVERY single word she had ever blogged!!!

I hate when people say blog friend are not real friends....they are so wrong.

Love you all.
Sweet dreams.

NO TIME

Last Monday I went to court and got it done.  I did feel relieved that it was all behind me.  I had a little mini meltdown before going in the court house (it's a trigger for me) but I got past it.  I didn't talk to Husband (that still feels like his name) all week.  I felt good last week....really good.  I even signed up for another half marathon (Kevin nagged me into it).  I was thinking this morning that I have signed up for 3 half marathons and one triathlon since the decision to divorce and I have not competed in a single one........or even started for that matter!  This time I will get to the starting line and be somewhat ready to run.

My attorney only charged me $1000 for the whole thing!!! She is AWESOME!

Last Wednesday I worked a 13 hour day; 8 hours at the new job and then I went over to old job at 5:30 to train my assistant on how to do the account reconciliations. I was there for 5 hours. Then on Sunday I worked another 5 hours with her. Oh and the previous weekend I was in there with her for a few hours too. It really hasn't all worked out like I thought it would and I am frustrated. The deal was he keeps me on insurance for 2 months and I do month end close for him. There was no deal about training someone which makes it take WAYYYYY longer. Also, the requirements for closing have tightened due to the companies precarious situation with the bonding company and the bank so close MUST BE more detailed and perfect than I had been doing it mid quarter. And the final kicker is that everyone there is mad at me so I am not wanted there during business hours. My former assistant said "i wouldn't show your face around here when other are here". Really? I am too fucking nice. They should be grateful, but I also understand that they are upset that they will most likely be with out a job soon and it is easy to take that frustration out on me since I am not there. I am still thrilled that I am not dealing with their BS on a daily basis BUT....the fact that they do manage to still stink up my life is a bummer. Hopefully I am done now and that chapter is closed however there is talk of extending the deal one more month since the assistant is really not able to do it on her own yet.

In the last two days I have had two people contact me about hiring me. Both are good opportunities with better pay than the nursery. I need to think fast and hard about my next move. I love that I have such flexibility right now and I feel I am really helping out some nice people. On the other hand my income is about $500 shy per month of meeting my expenses so it is not a sustainable situation. It was a temporary move to save me from the sinking ship at the old job. Thinking.....

I have been thinking of a million things I want to blog about each day but sadly I don't have time. SUCKS!!!  (But know I still read your blogs.)  I am just really busy. Beanie has homework and swim lessons and then there is still my accounting duties for the multisport club. I want to spend time with Kevin and get some runs and rides in. There really are not enough hours in the day. And holy cow did this summer fly by way too fast or what!?!?

I am still having moments where I feel guilty about getting divorced or try to think of what I should have done differently in my marriage. I realize that I am wasting time with the "should of" game. At times I make myself just crazy thinking about it. If I had been more assertive from the start maybe he would have had more respect for me? If I had threatened to leave him sooner would he have tried harder to change? How can he stand to spend so much time with his new GF when he couldn't stand to spend time with me and told me repeatedly, over the years, that he is a loner and people drain him and he should have been a bachelor farmer because he loves to be by himself. I know....nothing new there.

I do eventually stop myself by thinking about his character or even recent outright lies he has told me...... or how he has to ejaculate every day. I mean new girlfriend doesn't understand that his interest in sex with her is based on his need to ejaculate not his desire for her. If she is not around, porn is just as good.  I still wonder if he is really capable of real intimacy.  I am betting he is not.

Then, yesterday I had to tell my boss's wife that I am twice divorced.  I felt like a total loser.  I know she was judging.  I should have flat out told her I was in an abusive situation and I am proud and happy to say I got out.   Then again she would have judged me for getting into that "abusive" situation too.  Then I start looking at my life and I see how bad I look.  4 kids, 3 fathers, 2 husbands, teen pregnancy...I sound like an idiot.  Then I just start wishing I had somehow figured my issues out sooner and had a better more acceptable life.  Picked better mates and all.  Then I think about how proud I am now that I am making progress.  Then I realize that I can't change the past and "haters are gunna hate" and I should quit worrying so much about what other think.  (Also a legacy from my parents.) 

I should sign off now and go to work.

Kevin is still my hero and the kids are all healthy.  Really life is good and I am happy.

 

The Final Act

Around noon today Husband brought my Beanie to me. I invited him in because I wanted to talk about how his mom is. She evidently has not been feeling well (could be serious) and at her age it is concerning. He had spent the weekend at their house since I was busy with my MS charity bike ride.

We had a nice chat as I finished up cooking my green beans for lunches. Then he wanted a hug. He seemed sad so I walked him out to the car where he wanted more hugs and at one point he (maybe faked, I did not see tears) cried a bit. I know this was the big show before the divorce which is set to go down tomorrow afternoon. I did get sucked in a little..felt my eyes getting moist...but as soon as he left I reminded myself that it was all an act and I can tell when a person is being "real".

Later Beanie told me they had spent the night a Joslyn's last night, not his parents. I actually expected that.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big day.  Wish me luck!!

So Proud

I don't know if proud actually sounds right since he is a grown man, not a child, but I feel pride in his accomplishment.

This weekend Kevin and I did a two day charity bike ride to collect money for MS. Saturday we biked a total of 76 miles and today we biked a total of 28 miles. For a two day total of 104!!

(we would have biked 40 on day two but I wanted to get my daughter back so Husband wouldn't be all grouching at me that I never keep her.)

That's a lot of miles... especially for a man who only took up cycling this summer and has only owned a real road bike for about a month. He is a natural on the bike!

We even rode in a pace line for a while (which is super smart if you are trying to conserve energy for a long ride) and he did a great job of figuring out what he should and shouldn't do and not being an annoying novice.  I mean most beginning cyclist are no fun to ride close to, one wrong move and you can have a wreck.

He told me he really had fun which makes me SO happy because I just love love love cycling.

Motives

Husband has been really sweet and kind...even reaching out to me. I have cried more than once because it is rather cruel at this point to finally start acting like he cares.

This morning we talked on the phone for a while. To make a long story short (I have a court date on Monday to finalize our divorce) I ,in a round about way (cause it is impossible for us to really talk), offered to postpone this court date and he then got "overwhelmed" and then needed to go quickly. I hung up and it all became clear to me. He has been giving and kind because he knows that his obligation is about over. It is easy to say the right thing and be that "nice" guy when you are putting it on for show and you know it is temporary.

I suspect that if I dumped Kevin and postponed the divorce his "I am so in love with you and this breaks my heart" message would suddenly be very different.

All the whining and crying about how he doesn't want the divorce and he still loves me are all just for show. He really does want the divorce (he could stop me if he was sincere) but he wants it to appear that he went down kicking and screaming.  He wants to be the victim.  He wants to make this all my fault.

I believe that as I have shown more and more resolve that it was over he felt more comfortable playing the victim in all this. If he wants the divorce yet I am the one that actually makes it happen he can profess for the rest of his life it was not what he wanted yet still get what he really wanted. He is doing it all for show and so that in the long run he won't look like the bad guy.

The reality is that he married a women he did not love and respect. He used her and took advantage of her as long as she would tolerate it. When she finally realized she needed to save herself and left the marriage and he felt confident she would go through with it, then, AND ONLY THEN, did he start acting like he was hurt and she was breaking his heart. He did this to make her feel guilty and to make himself feel vindicated of all wrong doing.

No he didn't use me and disrespect me for years.  No, I cheated on him and left him for another man and divorced him against his protesting and broke his heart. Poor sausage, I was so awful to him. I am a mean selfish person pushing my selfish agenda on him and tearing apart his little family he loved so much.  Boo-hoo.

I swear he can make ANY situation into a "poor me" story. Manipulative fucktard.

Birthday Weekend

For my birthday, we did a little road trip for the weekend. We hopped on the motorcycle and went to Memphis. We stayed at the official Graceland campgrounds right by the house and museums. It was a bit rainy to have only a motorcycle as transportation but other than that it all worked out perfect.

Friday we drove down and had great weather.
Saturday the rain let up long enough that we snuck out for breakfast and found a place that had great pancakes which are one of Kevin's favorite foods.
We toured Graceland on Saturday and got there a bit early and beat the crowds.
Saturday night we took a shuttle to Beale Street for dinner and just to hang out. FUN!!!
It was great to have the shuttle and not have to worry about driving back to the camp site. At 10:30 pm we jumped on the bus and I fell asleep on his shoulder the whole drive back.

Sunday morning it was raining but we walked to a nearby café and had an amazing breakfast. The toast was to die for and I think they just grilled it on the cook grill and slathered it in real butter. I have never loved toast so much!

The sun finally came out around noon (SO HOT) so we hopped on the Harley and went site seeing. We went to a museum called the Pink Pallace. It would have been a great place to take my little Beanie so I was really missing her at that point. We also tried to tour an old historic home but arrived 3 MINUTES too late. Mean lady at the door would not let us join the tour after it had started. We were sad.

Sunday night was another trip to Beale Street.
Monday we road the motorcycle back home and for most of the 8 hour drive we watched thunderstorms rolling around in the sky but only got sprinkled on once. LUCKY!!

It was a GREAT birthday weekend and I wish I had time to post more photos and tell more stories. Maybe later.

(the only bad thing is I am now 49!!....that is really freakin' old!!!!)