From the time the x-boyfriend and I broke up until the time I had Baby Bean, I was a lonely sad person.
And, being a results oriented accountant, I tried everything and anything I could think of to rid myself of the negative funk I was in. I went to therapists, psychiatrists, took meds, quit meds, hung out with friends, pursued hobbies, got a new job, looked for a new boyfriend, traveled, meditated, did yoga, read books, drank too much, bought a sports car and a few other things I am sure. None of these things actually helped.
Long and short of it was…….if you are lonely and having relationships is what makes you happy, none of that other stuff is going to fix the problem. And, even if my marriage is less than ideal, some would even call it lame in many ways, it is WAY better than being alone as far as I am concerned. I HATED, HATED, HATED being alone.
Please note, I had plenty of men that would have me, but I also am not willing to have a man that is helpless, needy or just plain stupid and let me tell you……..most single men over 40 fall into one or more of these categories. My husband is actually smart, capable and responsible and that goes a long way in my book. Those are basic requirements for me to want to marry someone. But, back to the happiness thing…..
I remember thinking that if I could be happy alone life would be so much easier. That needing other people for your happiness is a set up for disaster. That needing other people for your happiness is relying way too much on external forces beyond your control. But, after years and years of trying, I just could not be happy alone. So I am stuck with relying on other people for happiness and that is a scary prospect at best.
I know some people that are self contained and very happy. These are people who do not derive their main pleasure from their significant other or their kids and family. These are people that are happy because they love their work, live to create or because collecting Elvis memorabilia is their hearts desire. These are people that have found their “purpose” in life in things that are within their control; things they can be lord and master of. And I envy these people like crazy.
My husband loves our daughter very much. I know he loves her more than he ever thought he could love another human being. But, if she were not here, he could and would be totally happy in life. He is happy to bike alone, run alone, build things, read and just about everything on his own. He does not need other people to be happy. In fact, I think other people create more displeasure than pleasure in his mind. The only thing he truly wants other people for is sex. (I am sure there are plenty of men like that.) I think this is part of the reason that he and I don’t make a great couple. He can’t understand why I need his love and attention as much as I do when he needs none from me…..well, except sex. Does he love me? Yes, he does. But does he need me? No, not at all!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Did you know I am a Criminal?
I recently had to write this letter inserted below. Read it and it will be clear why I wrote it. (of course, I changed the names.....can't have certain people finding this blog by searching my name)
Dear State of Missouri Dept. of Corrections,
Around December, of 2001, my son Friss was incarcerated and I have been on his visiting list ever since, under my then name, Ms. Searching.
On October 10th 2009, I got married and my name changed to Mrs. Found. After the wedding I began the process of changing my name on everything from my driver’s license to the title on my car and the deed to my house.
It occurred to me after I had my new drivers license that if I were to try and go visit my son, the visitor list would show my name as Ms. Searching and my ID would say Mrs. Found and that could cause a conflict that may keep me from checking in smoothly at the front desk. So, in an effort to be thorough and proactive, I filled out a visitor application under my new name, Mrs. Found and mailed it in to the address on the application.
A few weeks later, someone from the JCCC called me and advised that they needed a copy of my marriage license as well, so I immediately put that into an envelope and mailed it to the attention of the man who had called.
On Friday, March 5th, I received notice that my application had been denied due to the fact I had falsified the visiting application citing, “criminal history” (see attached copy). This news came as a complete shock to me as I had no intention of any falsification and I was not aware that I had a criminal background. After some thought and deliberation, I determined that they must be talking about the two traffic tickets I had received in the past year as I cannot figure out anything else it could be.
In March of 2009 I was stopped for speeding and issued a traffic ticket which I paid. In April of 2009 I was also stopped and fined for having window tinting that was above the legal limit.
These are the only possible “criminal history” I can think of and if neglecting to list them on the first application was incorrect, I apologize. It had not occurred to me that traffic tickets might be considered a criminal activity that should be noted on the visitor application. I do not believe I listed them in the past when I applied for visiting privileges as Ms. Searching, which adds to my confusion about this whole process. I have since tried to submit an application with the tickets listed, but I have been informed that I need to first appeal the denied application.
Please consider this letter as the appeal to said denied application. If this is insufficient, please direct me as to the correct protocol. If this is not the “criminal history” to which you are refereeing, can you please give me more details as to what the reference is to.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Found
My main comment about all this is how much I hate dealing with these people and how they operate. The rather sick, sadistic way they tend to persecute everyone no matter who they are or what they do. I honestly have no idea what "criminal history" they could possibly mean. It sure would have been nice if they would have given a little better information for me to work with.
Over the past few years I have lost all respect for the law and legal system. I tend to believe that people who go into these types of jobs are sick individuals who want to control the rest of the world and think they are better than everyone else. They get a perverse pleasure out of the power trip their job gives them.
Did I ever blog about the tinted window deal? Well, if I didn't, I should......what a story!
Dear State of Missouri Dept. of Corrections,
Around December, of 2001, my son Friss was incarcerated and I have been on his visiting list ever since, under my then name, Ms. Searching.
On October 10th 2009, I got married and my name changed to Mrs. Found. After the wedding I began the process of changing my name on everything from my driver’s license to the title on my car and the deed to my house.
It occurred to me after I had my new drivers license that if I were to try and go visit my son, the visitor list would show my name as Ms. Searching and my ID would say Mrs. Found and that could cause a conflict that may keep me from checking in smoothly at the front desk. So, in an effort to be thorough and proactive, I filled out a visitor application under my new name, Mrs. Found and mailed it in to the address on the application.
A few weeks later, someone from the JCCC called me and advised that they needed a copy of my marriage license as well, so I immediately put that into an envelope and mailed it to the attention of the man who had called.
On Friday, March 5th, I received notice that my application had been denied due to the fact I had falsified the visiting application citing, “criminal history” (see attached copy). This news came as a complete shock to me as I had no intention of any falsification and I was not aware that I had a criminal background. After some thought and deliberation, I determined that they must be talking about the two traffic tickets I had received in the past year as I cannot figure out anything else it could be.
In March of 2009 I was stopped for speeding and issued a traffic ticket which I paid. In April of 2009 I was also stopped and fined for having window tinting that was above the legal limit.
These are the only possible “criminal history” I can think of and if neglecting to list them on the first application was incorrect, I apologize. It had not occurred to me that traffic tickets might be considered a criminal activity that should be noted on the visitor application. I do not believe I listed them in the past when I applied for visiting privileges as Ms. Searching, which adds to my confusion about this whole process. I have since tried to submit an application with the tickets listed, but I have been informed that I need to first appeal the denied application.
Please consider this letter as the appeal to said denied application. If this is insufficient, please direct me as to the correct protocol. If this is not the “criminal history” to which you are refereeing, can you please give me more details as to what the reference is to.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Found
My main comment about all this is how much I hate dealing with these people and how they operate. The rather sick, sadistic way they tend to persecute everyone no matter who they are or what they do. I honestly have no idea what "criminal history" they could possibly mean. It sure would have been nice if they would have given a little better information for me to work with.
Over the past few years I have lost all respect for the law and legal system. I tend to believe that people who go into these types of jobs are sick individuals who want to control the rest of the world and think they are better than everyone else. They get a perverse pleasure out of the power trip their job gives them.
Did I ever blog about the tinted window deal? Well, if I didn't, I should......what a story!
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