In the last week, husband has told me that his GF dumped him (which came up because she spent the night at his house when our daughter was there so he knew Beanie would tell me) but then he goes to visit her on the weekend and spends the night. I asked a lot of questions to understand what was going on but he just gave vague, brief answers. I suspect he wants me to think she dumped him but she didn’t. (admittedly none of my business really except the fact that he still keeps telling me that he wants to work on our marriage so it is pertinent to some degree.)
He told me that his assistant at the office quit and it was her last day yet a week later she is still there. When I asked him about this incongruence he said she gave two weeks’ notice and that THIS was her last week. I didn’t record him or take notes but I am sure it was more than two weeks ago when he indicated she had quit and last week when she didn’t show up he said it was her last day. Of course none of it makes sense. I would guess he was trying to elicit sympathy from me when he told me that his summer vacation (he works at the university) was ruined because he would soon be working so much harder with no assistant.
He told me the bank wasn’t returning his calls and the house loan had stalled out. Today, out of the blue, he said that the loan is going through and it will close in two weeks. I asked what happened (twice) and of course he didn’t answer. My guess, he just didn’t want to tell give me updates when I would inquire as to how the loan was going so it was easier to just say “I don’t know they aren’t taking my calls”. I know that lending institutions don’t routinely ignore customer with good credit who want to borrow a large chunk of money.
Then there is that stuff he said he would write down regarding our marriage. He said he was working on it last week. He has yet to actually show me anything though. I doubt he actually wrote anything down.
All this “shady” behavior drives me nuts. Every single thing he says leaves me wondering if it is true or not. The only good thing about it is that, evidently, he is no longer “trying” to win me back. He is back to his old self and making it easy for me to walk away.
The real tragedy here is that he tells our daughter stuff that is crap and I know it and she believes him. He told her they would get a puppy but I know he really won’t. He promised that they will do this or that together in the future. I have news for him, she will remember what he promised her and bring it up again and he will have to lie some more or follow through. I really wish she didn’t have to go through all this. I want her to grow up believing that people mean what they say and that being honest is important. I am worried about what lessons he is teaching her.
AND I blame myself….I should have walked away in the beginning when he didn’t treat me with respect. I got both her and I into this mess by having such low expectations and putting up with substandard treatment. I swear I have learned my lesson, I will never stick around and let someone treat me like shit again.
Showing posts with label Husband could improve. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Husband could improve. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Kevin Triggers Me and the STBX Dissapears for Days
Two weekends ago STBX was out of town. I didn’t pay much attention to where or why he was gone overnight. I really didn’t even think about it.
This last weekend again, he said he needed to go out of town. This time he mentioned visiting his old college roommate. He requested that I get our daughter back early so he could leave sooner. I was gracious and picked her up an hour and half before I am normally scheduled to.
Sunday I texted him that I would be picking up our daughter from school on Monday (which usually is his night) to take her to get a haircut but then I would meet him at 5 pm to pass her to him. I asked him where he would like to meet. He lives a bit out of town and I thought it would be easier for both of us to just meet in town.
He never responded to the Sunday text and quite frankly I didn’t really notice or expect him to.
Monday I came into work and at some point remembered that we still needed to make arrangements so I sent an email to him at work. “Where do you want to meet @5?” This time I fully expected an answer since it was a weekday and he should be sitting at his desk; hours later I still had not heard from him so I texted him “you alive?” This usually gets him to respond but I got nothing.
Later I phoned his office and it was forwarded to his cell phone. He does this so his boss doesn’t know he is not in the office. I thought he may be home or he could still be out of town in which case he probably wasn’t at his old roommate’s house who has a wife and kid, but was instead visiting his old GF, you remember her, the one he was seeing when I was pregnant. It would explain why he was ignoring me. And I really don’t care if he is.
Around 3:30 I called again thinking by now he should be driving back to town if he was going to meet me at 5; still no answer. At this point I start to get worried; what if on Sunday afternoon he fell off the roof while cleaning out the gutters or chopped of his leg while chain sawing drunk? He has been known to get stupid drunk.
I called Kevin and left him a VM stating that if I still hadn’t heard from the STBXH by five p.m. I would drive out to his house to see if there was a body or any clues as to what the hell is going on.
While the kid was getting her hair cut I phoned husband and he finally answered. I was momentarily relieved he was not dead. (Mostly cause I didn’t feel like driving out to his house.) He said he just got back in town (he sounded kind of messed up)……..he said he didn’t have his phone or something that didn’t make much sense. I didn’t bother to analyze his story I just said where do you want to meet at 5? He said his office. I said I had stuff to put in his car and he needed to sign our taxes so that might not work (he parks in a garage blocks from his actual office.) He suggested he come to us at the hair salon. I said OK, I would text when we were about done.
By 4:30 we were done and STBXH’s office is only a couple of miles from the salon. I texted him and he acted confused about where to go; like asking me odd questions. I texted back more specific instructions. “Turn left at the Hardees and then right onto Burlington”
25 minutes later he STILL had not arrived so I phoned him…..he was lost…..up by my office…..didn’t know where he was supposed to go. WTH? This town is not that big and he has lived here for over 20 years. I was tired of waiting on him and running out of patience.
He finally showed up and I gave him the girl, her Easter clothes, her backpack for school, he signed the taxes. He seemed groggy or distracted. I wondered if he was on drugs. I left feeling extremely aggravated by the whole thing. Why the hell can’t people act like responsible grown-ups?!
No sooner than I got back in my car and down the street Kevin called. I told him I had passed the girl to the STBX but I was really aggravated by the whole deal. Kevin then starts to give me a lot of crap about how I am too fixated on what STBX is doing and will I ever let it go, etc. etc. I was already in a shitty mood and this just shot me over the edge. I told him that I thought the man might be dead and I really didn’t care where he was if he was alive. Kevin kept “pushing” his angle and I felt like my head was about to pop off. I told him we would have to discuss it later and hung up.
I seriously felt cornered like he was attacking me. He wasn’t yelling he was just talking over me and being insistent about his idea. Like he was right and I was wrong. I hate when people tell me why I am doing something….are they fucking mind readers. I wanted to calm down and get my head on straight before I continued my talk with Kevin about his perception of my *fixation* with the STBX.
And honestly, the fact that he triggered me was very upsetting to me. Instinct kicked in and I wanted to run and hide. I felt that I was suddenly his (verbal) punching bag and that my feeling didn’t matter to him. I felt like he was accusing me of caring too much for the STBX and I really do NOT care other than I want him to be a responsible co-parent for the next 12 years.
I drove home feeling a bit numb and knowing that Kevin would now be pissed that I hung up abruptly. Yet at the same time I knew I had done the right thing because when I get triggered I can lash out in fear without thinking and say things I really regret.
Back home I tried to call him and got no answer so I texted him that I was sorry to hang up abruptly but I NEEDED to end the conversation. He never responded.
I puttered around the house for a while and tried to relax. I know Kevin is not one to shut me out so I assumed he was busy. I did not head down the rabbit hole. I did actively try to feel mentally detached from it all though. I just blocked it all out of my mind and focused on some reading and light house work. Kevin finally called to ask if I was coming over and acted like nothing had happened. I said I would be over as planned but then took my time getting ready. I was still unsure of what exactly I would say, what my complaint was, what EXACTLY set me off, how to handle it all. I just knew it was all not sitting well.
As soon as I walked in his house he gave me a big hug and said “let’s be clear on this you will never hang up on me again OK?” I reluctantly agreed and thought to myself “I will hang up if I want to asshole”
Then I sat there next to him on the couch in silence as my mind teamed with thoughts of how selfish everyone is and how I feel like I just have to put up with it. Why doesn’t he care that I was upset? Why doesn’t he want to discuss the issue? Why does he just order me around? Am I just starting down the path to where he will lose respect for me and I will become his doormat? Why can’t I say the right thing at the right time? I hate being broken.
The night drug on and the conversation was not terribly productive. He could see no reason why I would be upset with him. He felt he was sharing his opinion and I should be open to it. He told me I was always trying to figure out what STBX is doing and why; and at this point it was none of my business. That there should not have been any issue until he didn’t show up at 5 and that I should have waited until then to even bother to contact him.
I asked Kevin why he was so upset about it….was he jealous or something. He told me that he just didn’t understand why I was involved. If he didn’t show up for work it was not my problem, etc.
I was struggling with what to say. I told Kevin that I felt he was not listening to me. I explained to him that if the man was dead it would surely be my problem to deal with. I explained that husband has never just vanished for a few days like that. I told Kevin that he was being too pushy and demanding on the phone. He again did not see it my way. At one point I got sassy and said “yes you are right I will forever be wondering how he is and where he is, it will be lives passion to follow him around. Does that make you feel better?”
He snapped at me that he will just keep his mouth shut from now on since I don’t like to hear his opinions.
At one point I was so frustrated I told him that we were not enjoying each other’s company so maybe I should just go home. I was relieved when he did NOT think that was a good idea.
He agreed to disagree.
Finally I explained that I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want him to force me to shut up and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. That I was taught to “stuff it down” my whole life and I am trying very hard to have a voice from now on. He listened to me go on for a while but he never really commented….but he listened. Maybe some of this stuff is just too far *out there* for him to really understand where I am coming from. He was raised by supportive, decent people and he is a very confident and secure man. He is very good at knowing what he wants and needs and asking for it.
Soon after that he took my hand and said “let’s go to bed”. In bed he cuddled me up close, told me how much he loves me and we fell asleep. I really don’t think he is a selfish bastard. I do think it is hard for me to understand and calmly explain why I get set off at times.
At the end of the day I know he loves me and he is willing to work on *US* and he is willing to sit for 2 hours on the couch and go round and round about something like this until we both feel some sense of closure. It wasn’t fun…..but it is what people in love need to do to stay close and feel accepted.
_________________
update: Today after a few emails with the STBX (I asked why he was so out of it because I do believe if he is getting our daughter I have the right to expect him to be coherent) and he told me that he was mugged and that is why he unexpectedly missed work, did not have his phone and did not get any sleep. I didn't ask for details....it all sounds too fishy to care.
PS - I guess I won't share that with Kevin. :(
This last weekend again, he said he needed to go out of town. This time he mentioned visiting his old college roommate. He requested that I get our daughter back early so he could leave sooner. I was gracious and picked her up an hour and half before I am normally scheduled to.
Sunday I texted him that I would be picking up our daughter from school on Monday (which usually is his night) to take her to get a haircut but then I would meet him at 5 pm to pass her to him. I asked him where he would like to meet. He lives a bit out of town and I thought it would be easier for both of us to just meet in town.
He never responded to the Sunday text and quite frankly I didn’t really notice or expect him to.
Monday I came into work and at some point remembered that we still needed to make arrangements so I sent an email to him at work. “Where do you want to meet @5?” This time I fully expected an answer since it was a weekday and he should be sitting at his desk; hours later I still had not heard from him so I texted him “you alive?” This usually gets him to respond but I got nothing.
Later I phoned his office and it was forwarded to his cell phone. He does this so his boss doesn’t know he is not in the office. I thought he may be home or he could still be out of town in which case he probably wasn’t at his old roommate’s house who has a wife and kid, but was instead visiting his old GF, you remember her, the one he was seeing when I was pregnant. It would explain why he was ignoring me. And I really don’t care if he is.
Around 3:30 I called again thinking by now he should be driving back to town if he was going to meet me at 5; still no answer. At this point I start to get worried; what if on Sunday afternoon he fell off the roof while cleaning out the gutters or chopped of his leg while chain sawing drunk? He has been known to get stupid drunk.
I called Kevin and left him a VM stating that if I still hadn’t heard from the STBXH by five p.m. I would drive out to his house to see if there was a body or any clues as to what the hell is going on.
While the kid was getting her hair cut I phoned husband and he finally answered. I was momentarily relieved he was not dead. (Mostly cause I didn’t feel like driving out to his house.) He said he just got back in town (he sounded kind of messed up)……..he said he didn’t have his phone or something that didn’t make much sense. I didn’t bother to analyze his story I just said where do you want to meet at 5? He said his office. I said I had stuff to put in his car and he needed to sign our taxes so that might not work (he parks in a garage blocks from his actual office.) He suggested he come to us at the hair salon. I said OK, I would text when we were about done.
By 4:30 we were done and STBXH’s office is only a couple of miles from the salon. I texted him and he acted confused about where to go; like asking me odd questions. I texted back more specific instructions. “Turn left at the Hardees and then right onto Burlington”
25 minutes later he STILL had not arrived so I phoned him…..he was lost…..up by my office…..didn’t know where he was supposed to go. WTH? This town is not that big and he has lived here for over 20 years. I was tired of waiting on him and running out of patience.
He finally showed up and I gave him the girl, her Easter clothes, her backpack for school, he signed the taxes. He seemed groggy or distracted. I wondered if he was on drugs. I left feeling extremely aggravated by the whole thing. Why the hell can’t people act like responsible grown-ups?!
No sooner than I got back in my car and down the street Kevin called. I told him I had passed the girl to the STBX but I was really aggravated by the whole deal. Kevin then starts to give me a lot of crap about how I am too fixated on what STBX is doing and will I ever let it go, etc. etc. I was already in a shitty mood and this just shot me over the edge. I told him that I thought the man might be dead and I really didn’t care where he was if he was alive. Kevin kept “pushing” his angle and I felt like my head was about to pop off. I told him we would have to discuss it later and hung up.
I seriously felt cornered like he was attacking me. He wasn’t yelling he was just talking over me and being insistent about his idea. Like he was right and I was wrong. I hate when people tell me why I am doing something….are they fucking mind readers. I wanted to calm down and get my head on straight before I continued my talk with Kevin about his perception of my *fixation* with the STBX.
And honestly, the fact that he triggered me was very upsetting to me. Instinct kicked in and I wanted to run and hide. I felt that I was suddenly his (verbal) punching bag and that my feeling didn’t matter to him. I felt like he was accusing me of caring too much for the STBX and I really do NOT care other than I want him to be a responsible co-parent for the next 12 years.
I drove home feeling a bit numb and knowing that Kevin would now be pissed that I hung up abruptly. Yet at the same time I knew I had done the right thing because when I get triggered I can lash out in fear without thinking and say things I really regret.
Back home I tried to call him and got no answer so I texted him that I was sorry to hang up abruptly but I NEEDED to end the conversation. He never responded.
I puttered around the house for a while and tried to relax. I know Kevin is not one to shut me out so I assumed he was busy. I did not head down the rabbit hole. I did actively try to feel mentally detached from it all though. I just blocked it all out of my mind and focused on some reading and light house work. Kevin finally called to ask if I was coming over and acted like nothing had happened. I said I would be over as planned but then took my time getting ready. I was still unsure of what exactly I would say, what my complaint was, what EXACTLY set me off, how to handle it all. I just knew it was all not sitting well.
As soon as I walked in his house he gave me a big hug and said “let’s be clear on this you will never hang up on me again OK?” I reluctantly agreed and thought to myself “I will hang up if I want to asshole”
Then I sat there next to him on the couch in silence as my mind teamed with thoughts of how selfish everyone is and how I feel like I just have to put up with it. Why doesn’t he care that I was upset? Why doesn’t he want to discuss the issue? Why does he just order me around? Am I just starting down the path to where he will lose respect for me and I will become his doormat? Why can’t I say the right thing at the right time? I hate being broken.
The night drug on and the conversation was not terribly productive. He could see no reason why I would be upset with him. He felt he was sharing his opinion and I should be open to it. He told me I was always trying to figure out what STBX is doing and why; and at this point it was none of my business. That there should not have been any issue until he didn’t show up at 5 and that I should have waited until then to even bother to contact him.
I asked Kevin why he was so upset about it….was he jealous or something. He told me that he just didn’t understand why I was involved. If he didn’t show up for work it was not my problem, etc.
I was struggling with what to say. I told Kevin that I felt he was not listening to me. I explained to him that if the man was dead it would surely be my problem to deal with. I explained that husband has never just vanished for a few days like that. I told Kevin that he was being too pushy and demanding on the phone. He again did not see it my way. At one point I got sassy and said “yes you are right I will forever be wondering how he is and where he is, it will be lives passion to follow him around. Does that make you feel better?”
He snapped at me that he will just keep his mouth shut from now on since I don’t like to hear his opinions.
At one point I was so frustrated I told him that we were not enjoying each other’s company so maybe I should just go home. I was relieved when he did NOT think that was a good idea.
He agreed to disagree.
Finally I explained that I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want him to force me to shut up and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. That I was taught to “stuff it down” my whole life and I am trying very hard to have a voice from now on. He listened to me go on for a while but he never really commented….but he listened. Maybe some of this stuff is just too far *out there* for him to really understand where I am coming from. He was raised by supportive, decent people and he is a very confident and secure man. He is very good at knowing what he wants and needs and asking for it.
Soon after that he took my hand and said “let’s go to bed”. In bed he cuddled me up close, told me how much he loves me and we fell asleep. I really don’t think he is a selfish bastard. I do think it is hard for me to understand and calmly explain why I get set off at times.
At the end of the day I know he loves me and he is willing to work on *US* and he is willing to sit for 2 hours on the couch and go round and round about something like this until we both feel some sense of closure. It wasn’t fun…..but it is what people in love need to do to stay close and feel accepted.
_________________
update: Today after a few emails with the STBX (I asked why he was so out of it because I do believe if he is getting our daughter I have the right to expect him to be coherent) and he told me that he was mugged and that is why he unexpectedly missed work, did not have his phone and did not get any sleep. I didn't ask for details....it all sounds too fishy to care.
PS - I guess I won't share that with Kevin. :(
Friday, January 24, 2014
Reason He Drives Me Crazy #321
I know it’s not a huge thing, but here is an example of one of the things about my husband that make me nuts.
He can’t just make a plan and then execute it.
Example:
A few weeks ago he told me that his mom wanted to see Beanie and we could send her out for the weekend. He wanted me to tell him if the weekend of the 18th was good for me. I told him it would be better the weekend of the 25th since I have my multisport club annual banquet that night. He said OK.
About a week ago he told me that he would go with Beanie to visit his parents. He would drive out on Friday after work and return at some point on Sunday.
Earlier this week his mom emailed me asking if she could visit the child. I am pretty sure he had already talked to her about his plan. She was just making nice in her mind. I find it odd to ask me when the plans are already made. But that’s not the point of this post.
Then this morning he tells me that he has changed his mind and he won’t be going along with Beanie. He will be staying here for the weekend and just going out Sunday to pick her up.
So………I have had it in my head that I would have a relaxing weekend home alone with no one to bother me. I figured I could sort, pack or whatever pleased me. You know, enjoy my “apartment” like I actually have my own place. Now, instead, I have to choose between being home with him where he will want awkward contact or pointless discussions with me or I can make scarce and wonder if he is going thru my room and taking things out of my packed boxes.
BUT, this happens EVERY time he (we) try to make plans. We can’t just say on XX date we will do YY. It has to be a moving target. It has to be a last minute change. He has to act like we didn’t agree or it was never discuss. Remember the train trip? UGH
I am sure there is some great reason why he must be this way but I don’t get it. I find it annoying that people can’t make a plan and then stick to it. When people are wishy washy and can’t commit it seems shady to me or the very least just irresponsible.
I openly admit that I am a type A person and I am anal about lots of things and this is a quirk that some other woman may not even notice (and she can have him). BUT, it makes me nutty!
I am sure some might think he is being flexible or "go with the flow" which would be desirable. But it never feels like he is being nice or agreeable….it’s feels more like he is being difficult.
He can’t just make a plan and then execute it.
Example:
A few weeks ago he told me that his mom wanted to see Beanie and we could send her out for the weekend. He wanted me to tell him if the weekend of the 18th was good for me. I told him it would be better the weekend of the 25th since I have my multisport club annual banquet that night. He said OK.
About a week ago he told me that he would go with Beanie to visit his parents. He would drive out on Friday after work and return at some point on Sunday.
Earlier this week his mom emailed me asking if she could visit the child. I am pretty sure he had already talked to her about his plan. She was just making nice in her mind. I find it odd to ask me when the plans are already made. But that’s not the point of this post.
Then this morning he tells me that he has changed his mind and he won’t be going along with Beanie. He will be staying here for the weekend and just going out Sunday to pick her up.
So………I have had it in my head that I would have a relaxing weekend home alone with no one to bother me. I figured I could sort, pack or whatever pleased me. You know, enjoy my “apartment” like I actually have my own place. Now, instead, I have to choose between being home with him where he will want awkward contact or pointless discussions with me or I can make scarce and wonder if he is going thru my room and taking things out of my packed boxes.
BUT, this happens EVERY time he (we) try to make plans. We can’t just say on XX date we will do YY. It has to be a moving target. It has to be a last minute change. He has to act like we didn’t agree or it was never discuss. Remember the train trip? UGH
I am sure there is some great reason why he must be this way but I don’t get it. I find it annoying that people can’t make a plan and then stick to it. When people are wishy washy and can’t commit it seems shady to me or the very least just irresponsible.
I openly admit that I am a type A person and I am anal about lots of things and this is a quirk that some other woman may not even notice (and she can have him). BUT, it makes me nutty!
I am sure some might think he is being flexible or "go with the flow" which would be desirable. But it never feels like he is being nice or agreeable….it’s feels more like he is being difficult.
Monday, December 16, 2013
I Deserve Better
For a long time I have been struggling with the idea of getting divorced and being alone for the rest of my life. I know there is a chance that I will find real love but I know that at my age it is not particularly likely or a given.
However, like a sledge hammer, it finally hit me…..I deserve a real relationship and if I can’t have that I deserve to be free to do as I please without the confines of marriage or living with someone who drags me down emotionally.
I deserve better!
I deserve a real relationship.
I deserve to feel loved and that I am part of a “couple”.
I deserve to be heard, valued and respected.
I deserve a significant other that makes me happy not depressed. Or I at least deserve to be free to be myself and have my own life.
It kind of struck me this weekend that I keep telling people my husband is now better than he was in the past, that he is not as mean as he used to be. But being around KP has brought back some perspective and you know what….I don’t think husband is notably better, I just got used to his behavior and quit taking it personally.
The ignoring me, not saying hello or good-bye; he still does that; I just don’t give it a thought anymore. The always doing something without me; yeah he still does that but he does help me more with our daughter and allow me more freedom which makes it easier to swallow.
In the final analysis I have just come to expect and accept his lowly way of living and I really do not need to settle for this. I need to get away from him before he whittles down every last shred of self-esteem and expectation for my own life that I possess!
I have 3 New Year’s resolutions:
1) Get divorced
2) Get a new job
3) Get back into an eating and exercising routine that is HEALTHY for me.
So I plan to ask him to move out after the holidays. And for once I feel strong enough to actually do it. In fact, I am looking forward to reclaiming my life.
However, like a sledge hammer, it finally hit me…..I deserve a real relationship and if I can’t have that I deserve to be free to do as I please without the confines of marriage or living with someone who drags me down emotionally.
I deserve better!
I deserve a real relationship.
I deserve to feel loved and that I am part of a “couple”.
I deserve to be heard, valued and respected.
I deserve a significant other that makes me happy not depressed. Or I at least deserve to be free to be myself and have my own life.
It kind of struck me this weekend that I keep telling people my husband is now better than he was in the past, that he is not as mean as he used to be. But being around KP has brought back some perspective and you know what….I don’t think husband is notably better, I just got used to his behavior and quit taking it personally.
The ignoring me, not saying hello or good-bye; he still does that; I just don’t give it a thought anymore. The always doing something without me; yeah he still does that but he does help me more with our daughter and allow me more freedom which makes it easier to swallow.
In the final analysis I have just come to expect and accept his lowly way of living and I really do not need to settle for this. I need to get away from him before he whittles down every last shred of self-esteem and expectation for my own life that I possess!
I have 3 New Year’s resolutions:
1) Get divorced
2) Get a new job
3) Get back into an eating and exercising routine that is HEALTHY for me.
So I plan to ask him to move out after the holidays. And for once I feel strong enough to actually do it. In fact, I am looking forward to reclaiming my life.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Deer Hunting
I think it would be very good for me to blog daily. I need to set aside a time slot and just get things down on paper. I need to worry less about content and more about quantity. I can always review my notes later to extract what was actually important. But if I don’t write anything down then there is no record at all and right now there is so much going on that I really need to capture.
This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.
I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?
I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”
I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!
He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!
For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.
That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie. My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.
Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?
Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.
Me: what about deer hunting?
Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)
Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?
I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.
Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?
Husband: Yes I do.
Me: what time would you like to go?
Husband: before light.
Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?
Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.
Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!
Me: and when will you be done for the morning?
Husband: should be back by 9.
Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?
Husband: yes
Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?
Husband: yes
UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??
I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.
I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.
I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????
This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.
I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?
I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”
I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!
He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!
For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.
That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie. My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.
Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?
Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.
Me: what about deer hunting?
Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)
Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?
I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.
Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?
Husband: Yes I do.
Me: what time would you like to go?
Husband: before light.
Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?
Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.
Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!
Me: and when will you be done for the morning?
Husband: should be back by 9.
Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?
Husband: yes
Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?
Husband: yes
UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??
I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.
I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.
I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Fucking Train Ride
Ready for a rather long story?
So around mid August I asked my husband what he thought we should do for our daughter’s up and coming 6th birthday. He responded with “well more importantly what are we doing for yours next week?”
I reminded him that if we wanted to book a party at the gym or the pool we needed to get that done. He said he thought we should skip that this year since she is in a new school and all. Fine with me, less work.
A few weeks ago he suggested taking the train to visit the Grandparents and making that a birthday party weekend. At the time we discussed it (I don’t remember the exact details) I believe I was pulling laundry out of the dryer and he was on his way out to water the grass or something. In other words, we were both busy and no formal talk took place. I am 100% sure no times or dates were discussed and even if they were, I didn’t have a calendar so it was more like “the weekend after her birthday maybe?”
A few weeks ago (before or after above conversation I am not sure) a friend of mine sent me a hay ride invite scheduled for October 5th. I sent it on to hubby and said “We can all go to this!?!” He said great so I put it on my calendar (even though he NEVER goes to anything like this with me but that is another post.) I always make plans and log them in my calendar so I can keep track. And generally if I have plans I stick to them and don’t change them unless something big happens.
So yesterday around 3:30 pm I get this email from Hubby:
HUSBAND: So we are leaving Friday at 6:22pm from [town a half hour away] on the train and coming back Sunday at 4:35pm (returning at 7pm)…does that sound alright? Or we could depart Sunday at 8:51am.
ME: What day are we leaving? I need to give [boss] the heads up that I need off early.
I wait for a long time before he replies……
HUSBAND: Friday the 4th
Early to get to [town a half hour away] by 6:20? I’m not taking off early.
Need to get this booked as trains are filling up.
ME: Well, someone has to drop off the dog…pick up the kid….etc.
Then it is about a 45 minute drive to [city a half hour away] from our house. (we live a bit out of town)
I assume, like a plane, you have to get there early to stow bags, check tickets and bored the train.
So I would figure we would need to leave town around 5.
I would need to leave at least an hour before that to pick up kid and drop off dog. (I try allowing extra time just in case.)
Since….I assume, the dog will stay at Mikes on the far side of town.
ME: Any way we could leave on Saturday?
About now I check my calendar and realize that is the day of the hayride also. I so wanted to go and told everyone we would be there. Frustration is rising quickly at this point.
I wait for him to reply about Saturday. I assume we can talk more details later but then around 4:30 he emails me a copy of the confirmation. He actually bought the tickets! Just like that. Only gave me an hour warning. I am just pissed. I have no dog sitter lined up. I haven’t asked off early. I will need to tell my friend we won’t make the hayride. Grocery shopping and weekend chores will get done when? Who will watch the chickens? GRRRR
I email him back and express my frustration. He offers to cancel the tickets. That actually pisses me off and even more. I tell him to calm down and let me see what I can do. I remind him that we already had committed to hay ride as well. (George told me to not let him agree to things and then act like he didn’t.)
I contact Mike but he can NOT dog sit. Now what will I do?
I just sat here feeling rolled over. Now I have to find a dog kennel I guess. Now I have a bunch of shit to deal with because he just pulled the trigger so fast. I know he was rushing because there were not many seats left. His freakin procrastination is now my problem. Why didn’t he work this out weeks ago so we could schedule it and discuss the details properly?
I left work feeling totally overwhelmed by it all. I took the kids (all three) out to dinner and we had a great time. Then I went home determined to discuss the whole thing some more.
When I walked in he started happily chatting about something else and I told him I wanted to talk more about the train ride. The discussion was crap from the get go and of course, he says I agreed to the whole thing long ago and he doesn’t know why I am upset. I tell him that we never talked details like dates and times. He swears we did. We are both getting mad and the conversation is pointless. I take my pillow and go down stairs to sleep. He was probably thrilled.
This morning while I was running I just decided to tell him to go and I will stay home and do all the work and care for the animals. I walked in the house from my morning run and told him. “Just cancel mine and you two go and have fun. I will tend the chickens and the dog.” He said OK. I may be an idiot but at this point I assume THIS is the plan and start to wrap my head around it. So I miss out on the train ride which sucks but I have a peaceful weekend which is nice. His parents will be pissed. Oh well.
THEN, about an hour after I got to work I received an email saying he would cancel the tickets.
Then a few minutes later this email:
HUSBAND: Done….no problem.
Like I never even fucked everything up in the first place!
Sorry
We’ll have a great birthday hayride!
NOW….to add to the whole frustration with the lack of planning and communicating I also am feeling flustered at how quickly things change. I get my head thinking about one plan and about the time I get comfortable with it he changes it again. I hate the ever moving target crap.
So now what are we doing for her Birthday? I guess that I have to figure that out. And to be totally honest I don’t want him to even go to the god damn hay ride any more.
So around mid August I asked my husband what he thought we should do for our daughter’s up and coming 6th birthday. He responded with “well more importantly what are we doing for yours next week?”
I reminded him that if we wanted to book a party at the gym or the pool we needed to get that done. He said he thought we should skip that this year since she is in a new school and all. Fine with me, less work.
A few weeks ago he suggested taking the train to visit the Grandparents and making that a birthday party weekend. At the time we discussed it (I don’t remember the exact details) I believe I was pulling laundry out of the dryer and he was on his way out to water the grass or something. In other words, we were both busy and no formal talk took place. I am 100% sure no times or dates were discussed and even if they were, I didn’t have a calendar so it was more like “the weekend after her birthday maybe?”
A few weeks ago (before or after above conversation I am not sure) a friend of mine sent me a hay ride invite scheduled for October 5th. I sent it on to hubby and said “We can all go to this!?!” He said great so I put it on my calendar (even though he NEVER goes to anything like this with me but that is another post.) I always make plans and log them in my calendar so I can keep track. And generally if I have plans I stick to them and don’t change them unless something big happens.
So yesterday around 3:30 pm I get this email from Hubby:
HUSBAND: So we are leaving Friday at 6:22pm from [town a half hour away] on the train and coming back Sunday at 4:35pm (returning at 7pm)…does that sound alright? Or we could depart Sunday at 8:51am.
ME: What day are we leaving? I need to give [boss] the heads up that I need off early.
I wait for a long time before he replies……
HUSBAND: Friday the 4th
Early to get to [town a half hour away] by 6:20? I’m not taking off early.
Need to get this booked as trains are filling up.
ME: Well, someone has to drop off the dog…pick up the kid….etc.
Then it is about a 45 minute drive to [city a half hour away] from our house. (we live a bit out of town)
I assume, like a plane, you have to get there early to stow bags, check tickets and bored the train.
So I would figure we would need to leave town around 5.
I would need to leave at least an hour before that to pick up kid and drop off dog. (I try allowing extra time just in case.)
Since….I assume, the dog will stay at Mikes on the far side of town.
ME: Any way we could leave on Saturday?
About now I check my calendar and realize that is the day of the hayride also. I so wanted to go and told everyone we would be there. Frustration is rising quickly at this point.
I wait for him to reply about Saturday. I assume we can talk more details later but then around 4:30 he emails me a copy of the confirmation. He actually bought the tickets! Just like that. Only gave me an hour warning. I am just pissed. I have no dog sitter lined up. I haven’t asked off early. I will need to tell my friend we won’t make the hayride. Grocery shopping and weekend chores will get done when? Who will watch the chickens? GRRRR
I email him back and express my frustration. He offers to cancel the tickets. That actually pisses me off and even more. I tell him to calm down and let me see what I can do. I remind him that we already had committed to hay ride as well. (George told me to not let him agree to things and then act like he didn’t.)
I contact Mike but he can NOT dog sit. Now what will I do?
I just sat here feeling rolled over. Now I have to find a dog kennel I guess. Now I have a bunch of shit to deal with because he just pulled the trigger so fast. I know he was rushing because there were not many seats left. His freakin procrastination is now my problem. Why didn’t he work this out weeks ago so we could schedule it and discuss the details properly?
I left work feeling totally overwhelmed by it all. I took the kids (all three) out to dinner and we had a great time. Then I went home determined to discuss the whole thing some more.
When I walked in he started happily chatting about something else and I told him I wanted to talk more about the train ride. The discussion was crap from the get go and of course, he says I agreed to the whole thing long ago and he doesn’t know why I am upset. I tell him that we never talked details like dates and times. He swears we did. We are both getting mad and the conversation is pointless. I take my pillow and go down stairs to sleep. He was probably thrilled.
This morning while I was running I just decided to tell him to go and I will stay home and do all the work and care for the animals. I walked in the house from my morning run and told him. “Just cancel mine and you two go and have fun. I will tend the chickens and the dog.” He said OK. I may be an idiot but at this point I assume THIS is the plan and start to wrap my head around it. So I miss out on the train ride which sucks but I have a peaceful weekend which is nice. His parents will be pissed. Oh well.
THEN, about an hour after I got to work I received an email saying he would cancel the tickets.
Then a few minutes later this email:
HUSBAND: Done….no problem.
Like I never even fucked everything up in the first place!
Sorry
We’ll have a great birthday hayride!
NOW….to add to the whole frustration with the lack of planning and communicating I also am feeling flustered at how quickly things change. I get my head thinking about one plan and about the time I get comfortable with it he changes it again. I hate the ever moving target crap.
So now what are we doing for her Birthday? I guess that I have to figure that out. And to be totally honest I don’t want him to even go to the god damn hay ride any more.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Big Triathlon Weekend
Overall it was a good weekend. I had so much fun with my teammates and the 40 people from our multisport club that participated and/ or watched. Uwe was there but he was fairly nice and we did NOT spend a lot of time together.
I was on a relay team with these two beautiful young ladies and I am proud to say that we won first place in the relay. Full disclosure, there were only three relay teams competing but still we won.
I did the bike portion of the triathlon. It was a hilly sommabich.
Highlights: The camaraderie of awesome friends and team mates. Good conversation with Tater on the long drive to the race. Exhilarating moped ride with John to fetch my ID. Sleeping in a room with 3 other girls and not one of them complaining that it was too cold. Racing just for fun and not taking it too seriously. The excitement of watching amazing friends do their first triathlon or compete against their dad or concur their first half distance triathlon race.
Lowlights: I dropped my chain twice and took a (small) wrong turn on the bike and overall didn’t feel that strong. My poor performance reminded me that I have not been taking very good care of myself this summer. Even worse, I still had the occasional pang of sadness over the loss of my one time best friend. It can be hard at times to be around him yet not be included.
Husband’s behavior this weekend:
Most of the team went down Friday but I didn’t leave until early Saturday morning, mostly to be nice to hubby by staying home another night. When I got up Saturday I did my best to be quiet while getting ready but of course he woke up and was grumpy that I woke him. I couldn’t help but think “gee it would be nice if you wanted to see me a bit before I leave for two whole days”. I didn’t say it though….maybe I should have.
Right before I left I went to kiss him goodbye. He was sitting in bed eating yogurt on crackers for breakfast. I chirped in a playful tone “good thing you are so good looking or I would have to kick you out of bed for eating crackers” I thought it was cute and would perk him up. Instead he snapped back in a grumpy manner “like you never get crumbs in the bed”. I just turned and left. Probably once again I should have said something like “I was just being playful…lighten up.” But instead I opted to leave the room and forget he is alive for two days.
When I returned home Sunday night I asked him if he wanted to see my swag. I started to tell him about the trip and show him things and he sat there facing forward in the bed watching the TV with no volume. He didn’t look my way or say a thing. I asked if he was upset and he said no just tired. I finally just put my stuff away and said “turn the TV back up”. I am sure he was tired because he had biked 120 miles that day while a friend entertained our daughter for him.
I suppose I should have pointed out how his apparent lack of interest in my life depresses me and makes me feel our marriage is a sham. BUT, that sounds mean so I guess I should have thought of some nicer way to tell him how I felt. Still, I just decided if he was tired I would ignore him which would make him happy.
HOWEVER….I get sick of trying to say the right thing to make things better when he seems perfectly fine with the way things are as long as he doesn’t have to watch our daughter too much. George seems to think I need to press for what I want but I am not good at that and quite frankly I don’t want to have train him like a dog. So frustrating.
THE UGLY TRUTH: I really don’t think I will ever be happy with him. I really don’t think he has it in him to be the friend and partner I want. I don’t even understand how he can be so detached. I honestly believe he has way more issue to deal with than I do (part of the discussion in the car this weekend) and he has buried them so deep he thinks they are gone. That being said; I have been asking myself all weekend could I really leave him….could I actually go through with it and I keep thinking I really can’t. As much as I am unhappy, being on my own is just way too scary and overwhelming. Starting over again….no thanks. Forcing my daughter to be shuttled back and forth between two households….can’t do it. I will never leave him; at least not until she is grown up. I plan to tell a very amazing man that I can’t leave and put his hopes at ease. Problem solved.
I was on a relay team with these two beautiful young ladies and I am proud to say that we won first place in the relay. Full disclosure, there were only three relay teams competing but still we won.
I did the bike portion of the triathlon. It was a hilly sommabich.
 |
| Elevation shot from my Garmin. Those two big climbs in the middle were killers! |
Highlights: The camaraderie of awesome friends and team mates. Good conversation with Tater on the long drive to the race. Exhilarating moped ride with John to fetch my ID. Sleeping in a room with 3 other girls and not one of them complaining that it was too cold. Racing just for fun and not taking it too seriously. The excitement of watching amazing friends do their first triathlon or compete against their dad or concur their first half distance triathlon race.
Lowlights: I dropped my chain twice and took a (small) wrong turn on the bike and overall didn’t feel that strong. My poor performance reminded me that I have not been taking very good care of myself this summer. Even worse, I still had the occasional pang of sadness over the loss of my one time best friend. It can be hard at times to be around him yet not be included.
Husband’s behavior this weekend:
Most of the team went down Friday but I didn’t leave until early Saturday morning, mostly to be nice to hubby by staying home another night. When I got up Saturday I did my best to be quiet while getting ready but of course he woke up and was grumpy that I woke him. I couldn’t help but think “gee it would be nice if you wanted to see me a bit before I leave for two whole days”. I didn’t say it though….maybe I should have.
Right before I left I went to kiss him goodbye. He was sitting in bed eating yogurt on crackers for breakfast. I chirped in a playful tone “good thing you are so good looking or I would have to kick you out of bed for eating crackers” I thought it was cute and would perk him up. Instead he snapped back in a grumpy manner “like you never get crumbs in the bed”. I just turned and left. Probably once again I should have said something like “I was just being playful…lighten up.” But instead I opted to leave the room and forget he is alive for two days.
When I returned home Sunday night I asked him if he wanted to see my swag. I started to tell him about the trip and show him things and he sat there facing forward in the bed watching the TV with no volume. He didn’t look my way or say a thing. I asked if he was upset and he said no just tired. I finally just put my stuff away and said “turn the TV back up”. I am sure he was tired because he had biked 120 miles that day while a friend entertained our daughter for him.
I suppose I should have pointed out how his apparent lack of interest in my life depresses me and makes me feel our marriage is a sham. BUT, that sounds mean so I guess I should have thought of some nicer way to tell him how I felt. Still, I just decided if he was tired I would ignore him which would make him happy.
HOWEVER….I get sick of trying to say the right thing to make things better when he seems perfectly fine with the way things are as long as he doesn’t have to watch our daughter too much. George seems to think I need to press for what I want but I am not good at that and quite frankly I don’t want to have train him like a dog. So frustrating.
THE UGLY TRUTH: I really don’t think I will ever be happy with him. I really don’t think he has it in him to be the friend and partner I want. I don’t even understand how he can be so detached. I honestly believe he has way more issue to deal with than I do (part of the discussion in the car this weekend) and he has buried them so deep he thinks they are gone. That being said; I have been asking myself all weekend could I really leave him….could I actually go through with it and I keep thinking I really can’t. As much as I am unhappy, being on my own is just way too scary and overwhelming. Starting over again….no thanks. Forcing my daughter to be shuttled back and forth between two households….can’t do it. I will never leave him; at least not until she is grown up. I plan to tell a very amazing man that I can’t leave and put his hopes at ease. Problem solved.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Ejaculating
Last night I had a fun evening with my new friend Valarie. We biked 16 miles on the trail …her longest ride yet. After that we met friends at The Mexican Restaurant and had a few margaritas and chips. Uwe showed up and looked tired….stressed and just not well. We didn’t talk much and he left without even saying good-bye.
When I got home I climbed into bed and tried to snuggle up by my Husband. BUT as he always does he was way on the other side of the bed, sound asleep and had his back to me with his arm in the middle. In no time I gave it up and went to sleep on my side of the bed feeling lonely and depressed.
This morning, he woke and rolled over and cuddled me. For a few moments I was happy. Then I felt his hard penis on my back side and I knew he was just horny and not necessarily being nice to me but looking for his morning ejaculation. This process gets very old.
Soon he got up to make coffee and I tried to go back to sleep. I had gotten home late and then woke up at 2:30 am to worry about what to do with my job. I knew I needed to sleep but mind was intent on mulling over the situation at the office. At 3:30 am I got up and read my Facebook and grabbed a snack. I am sure it was after 4 am when I finally got back to sleep so I only accomplished about 4 hours sleep total.
As usual I was hot and kicked off the covers. Husband eventually started grabbing my tits which was very annoying. He didn’t kiss me, caress me or do anything affectionate, he just squeezed my boobs. To tell the truth is kind of even hurt. Next thing you know he pops up off the bed and declares “I am too horny to be around you!”
I am just glad he quit pestering me. I try to go back to sleep but soon Beanie is up and I get up to start my day.
After husband left for work I went downstairs to let the rabbit out of her cage and feed her. I noticed the guest bedroom door was open. Looking in there I decided husband had been sitting on the bed. (I did not open the door so I knew he had.) I put two and two together and realized he had done himself a quick hand job when he went out to feed the chickens.
At this point I am thinking to myself “WOW – it’s just out of control!” I understand that people have needs and urges and I get that men have more than women but at what point does the physical need to ejaculate just become some sort of sick addiction?
We had sex on Saturday and I know for a fact that he masturbated at least once on Sunday. I assume he also masturbated on Tuesday morning because this is what he does when I leave to run. So why was it so important on Wednesday? If it had been a week or something I could understand, but one day….really!?!?
And, why can’t he try to get me in the mood so we can actually do it together? I mean really I would like to have sex, but squeezing my tits and humping my ass is NOT foreplay and in no way makes me feel like getting sexy with him.
When I got home I climbed into bed and tried to snuggle up by my Husband. BUT as he always does he was way on the other side of the bed, sound asleep and had his back to me with his arm in the middle. In no time I gave it up and went to sleep on my side of the bed feeling lonely and depressed.
This morning, he woke and rolled over and cuddled me. For a few moments I was happy. Then I felt his hard penis on my back side and I knew he was just horny and not necessarily being nice to me but looking for his morning ejaculation. This process gets very old.
Soon he got up to make coffee and I tried to go back to sleep. I had gotten home late and then woke up at 2:30 am to worry about what to do with my job. I knew I needed to sleep but mind was intent on mulling over the situation at the office. At 3:30 am I got up and read my Facebook and grabbed a snack. I am sure it was after 4 am when I finally got back to sleep so I only accomplished about 4 hours sleep total.
As usual I was hot and kicked off the covers. Husband eventually started grabbing my tits which was very annoying. He didn’t kiss me, caress me or do anything affectionate, he just squeezed my boobs. To tell the truth is kind of even hurt. Next thing you know he pops up off the bed and declares “I am too horny to be around you!”
I am just glad he quit pestering me. I try to go back to sleep but soon Beanie is up and I get up to start my day.
After husband left for work I went downstairs to let the rabbit out of her cage and feed her. I noticed the guest bedroom door was open. Looking in there I decided husband had been sitting on the bed. (I did not open the door so I knew he had.) I put two and two together and realized he had done himself a quick hand job when he went out to feed the chickens.
At this point I am thinking to myself “WOW – it’s just out of control!” I understand that people have needs and urges and I get that men have more than women but at what point does the physical need to ejaculate just become some sort of sick addiction?
We had sex on Saturday and I know for a fact that he masturbated at least once on Sunday. I assume he also masturbated on Tuesday morning because this is what he does when I leave to run. So why was it so important on Wednesday? If it had been a week or something I could understand, but one day….really!?!?
And, why can’t he try to get me in the mood so we can actually do it together? I mean really I would like to have sex, but squeezing my tits and humping my ass is NOT foreplay and in no way makes me feel like getting sexy with him.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Weekend Recap
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| My dog running along side the 4 wheeler. Note she is on the left side....trained to heel properly! |
Drove the Bean to the meeting location and passed her to the grandparents. Then I headed to my friend Brent’s farm for some good old fashioned outdoors fun. We grilled, drank beer, rode the 4 wheeler and let my dog go nuts. FUN
Picked up Uwe and met 8 of our friends at a winery about an hour from home. From there we did one hell of an awesome 62 mile bike ride; beautiful countryside and some big old hills. When the ride was over we all had some wine and relaxed outdoors and enjoyed this amazing July weather.
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| Elevation chart recorded on our bike ride. see that dagger at the end....that was a killer hill! |
Sunday:
Met about a dozen of my running buddies to run some single track. Had the pleasure of running with my ultra running buddy Shawn who is one heck of great guy. I brought my faithful pooch along and she attached herself to Uwe and they had so much fun. I found them after my run wading in the creek together. After the run we all lingered in the parking lot for over an hour. The weather was just so damn nice we could not leave. Eventually we all went to the bagel restaurant for breakfast. I didn’t get home until noon.
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| new railroad tie retaining wall is on the right >>> |
Husband was just finishing up his project, this retaining wall. It looked good and he said he was about to come in and take a shower. I had every intention of jumping in the shower with him until I figured out he had already “taken care of business” while I was gone. That actually made me angry so I took my shower real fast before he came in so I would be sure to get the hot water.
Next he went to pick up our daughter and I just puttered around the house doing my weekly chores. Overall it was a pretty great weekend!
***the new photo at the top of my blog was taken at the winery with my phone!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Latest Rant against my husband – NOT PLANNING
I am a planner. If I have something I want to do I put it on my calendar and then guard the date. I have learned that hard way that not planning is a sure fire way to forget things, miss things or just not get to do the things you want; especially when you have kids and a job and a lot of responsibility. I have to plan things ahead of time or they just don’t work out.
My husband is a terrible planner and so are his parents. This makes me crazy. He likes to just do what he feels like when he feels like and not schedule a damn thing for fear he might change his mind or not feel like it when the day finally arrives. I get this and maybe if I were single, footloose and a fancy free I too would operate this way but alas I am not and I do not.
This is a huge issue for us for many reasons, the most obvious of which is that we never agree on how to plan things.
Some examples:
This summer, at the beginning of the summer, my husband spent about $50 on a nice life jacket for our daughter. Last year he got a screaming deal on an old metal canoe that was somewhat beat up and he fixed it all up and declared it the family canoe so we could all go on float trips. (because we never do anything as a family.) Now summer is almost over and we have not once used that boat or life jacket. I have not scheduled a float trip or a boat outing because this is more his “thing” than mine and in general, when I attempt to actually fix a date on the calendar that involves my husband being there he is reluctant to commit if not downright negative about my plans.
Another case in point: the train ride to visit his parents….when will we do this? It won’t happen. Mark my words.
Then there was the trip to go camping and visit a big cave near here. I had been really excited about this trip knowing my daughter would absolutely love it. Husband agreed he wanted to do it but would never commit to a date. My latest attempt was to suggest Labor Day weekend because it is a 3 day weekend. He said “NO too crowded”.
Today it has happened yet again; lack of planning (IMO) is causing me problems. So yesterday his mother asked if she could have the kid this weekend. Of course she can, that is fine. I told her we would do the exchange on Friday night. Now, all of a sudden, three days out, I have a full weekend with no child. This is my chance to do something!
But what to do with only 3 days to plan? Husband suggested we bike to a nearby winery town and spend the night and bike back next day (140 miles round trip). I was pretty excited to do this trip but then he checked into getting a room Saturday night and they are all booked up already. Of course they are….other people make plans. Next idea, hang with Valarie….well she has her daughter this weekend. This kind of defeats the no kid’s fun. It sure would have been better if I could have coordinated my daughter’s visit to the grandparents with the weekend that Carrie is at her Dads.
Been texting other friends….all have plans. So now I have 2 full days and no plans and having a hard time finding anyone who is even available to hang out with. GRRRR
My husband is a terrible planner and so are his parents. This makes me crazy. He likes to just do what he feels like when he feels like and not schedule a damn thing for fear he might change his mind or not feel like it when the day finally arrives. I get this and maybe if I were single, footloose and a fancy free I too would operate this way but alas I am not and I do not.
This is a huge issue for us for many reasons, the most obvious of which is that we never agree on how to plan things.
Some examples:
This summer, at the beginning of the summer, my husband spent about $50 on a nice life jacket for our daughter. Last year he got a screaming deal on an old metal canoe that was somewhat beat up and he fixed it all up and declared it the family canoe so we could all go on float trips. (because we never do anything as a family.) Now summer is almost over and we have not once used that boat or life jacket. I have not scheduled a float trip or a boat outing because this is more his “thing” than mine and in general, when I attempt to actually fix a date on the calendar that involves my husband being there he is reluctant to commit if not downright negative about my plans.
Another case in point: the train ride to visit his parents….when will we do this? It won’t happen. Mark my words.
Then there was the trip to go camping and visit a big cave near here. I had been really excited about this trip knowing my daughter would absolutely love it. Husband agreed he wanted to do it but would never commit to a date. My latest attempt was to suggest Labor Day weekend because it is a 3 day weekend. He said “NO too crowded”.
Today it has happened yet again; lack of planning (IMO) is causing me problems. So yesterday his mother asked if she could have the kid this weekend. Of course she can, that is fine. I told her we would do the exchange on Friday night. Now, all of a sudden, three days out, I have a full weekend with no child. This is my chance to do something!
But what to do with only 3 days to plan? Husband suggested we bike to a nearby winery town and spend the night and bike back next day (140 miles round trip). I was pretty excited to do this trip but then he checked into getting a room Saturday night and they are all booked up already. Of course they are….other people make plans. Next idea, hang with Valarie….well she has her daughter this weekend. This kind of defeats the no kid’s fun. It sure would have been better if I could have coordinated my daughter’s visit to the grandparents with the weekend that Carrie is at her Dads.
Been texting other friends….all have plans. So now I have 2 full days and no plans and having a hard time finding anyone who is even available to hang out with. GRRRR
Monday, July 8, 2013
Weekend Recap - I think I am finally at the end of my rope!
On Saturday morning I ran my hilly 10K race. I did awesome. I was very proud of myself for giving it my all and keeping a positive attitude. It is so easy for me to think my way into a bad run! I placed third in my age group which was thrilling. I hope I can keep this positive mindset about my running going forward……it is the one thing that has me excited at the moment.
Husband spent Friday night and all day Saturday at his folks house with our daughter. He finally mentioned (in passing) that his mom fell and hurt her back and was having a hard time getting around. I suppose that is why she didn’t want to just babysit for us. Sadly, both our parents are older and they really can’t babysit due to their age. It’s a real bummer. This, my friends, is why it is NOT good to have children when you are 40!
Friday night no one was home to close the chicken coop door, so a critter got in and stole one of my Rhode Island Red hens for dinner. That makes me sad. I love my hens so much.
Husband and daughter returned home around 10 pm on Saturday night. I had planned on riding bikes with my friends on Sunday morning (as usual) but when he got home he said “NO…I am going to ride tomorrow.”
So Sunday morning he got up and piddled around and finally left on his bike around 8:30 am. He said he would be home for dinner. I spent Sunday morning getting my weekly chores done and took the girl shopping for some pink shorts to go with her favorite top.
We had lunch and took a long nap and then Daddy did return home around 4:30ish. He had biked 140 miles. He then ate dinner, showered and went to Wal-Mart for our weekly groceries. He returned from Wal-Mart while I was watching 60 minutes. I apologized for not helping him with the groceries but I was totally engrossed in the show.
After that he disappeared and ignored me for the balance of the evening. It is like it is a goal of his to spend as little time with me as possible. At some point something snapped in my head and I said to myself “I just can’t live like this anymore…..this is killing me. I need to plot to leave this man and get busy having a real life!”
The long and short of it is this: I am not happy and I am tired of trying to figure out how to be happy. There is nothing that I can do to make him be the husband I need and want. There is no way I can adjust my life to be happy with him as he is and as he wants things. Long story short, we are not emotionally compatible and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is how I got divorced last time. I finally decided that I couldn’t change the situation nor could I live with it so I had to get out of it.
I slept in the basement last night and I am now trying to think about how to navigate ending this marriage. When I think of little Beanie I don’t want to hurt her so I start to feel all panicky. I also think it would be in my best interest to move away from here (I need to quit my job anyway); get away from Rocco and my husband completely. We will need to sell the house. I might move in with my mom for a while. I would need to put stuff in storage. I don’t know… it is all overwhelming!
Husband spent Friday night and all day Saturday at his folks house with our daughter. He finally mentioned (in passing) that his mom fell and hurt her back and was having a hard time getting around. I suppose that is why she didn’t want to just babysit for us. Sadly, both our parents are older and they really can’t babysit due to their age. It’s a real bummer. This, my friends, is why it is NOT good to have children when you are 40!
Friday night no one was home to close the chicken coop door, so a critter got in and stole one of my Rhode Island Red hens for dinner. That makes me sad. I love my hens so much.
Husband and daughter returned home around 10 pm on Saturday night. I had planned on riding bikes with my friends on Sunday morning (as usual) but when he got home he said “NO…I am going to ride tomorrow.”
So Sunday morning he got up and piddled around and finally left on his bike around 8:30 am. He said he would be home for dinner. I spent Sunday morning getting my weekly chores done and took the girl shopping for some pink shorts to go with her favorite top.
We had lunch and took a long nap and then Daddy did return home around 4:30ish. He had biked 140 miles. He then ate dinner, showered and went to Wal-Mart for our weekly groceries. He returned from Wal-Mart while I was watching 60 minutes. I apologized for not helping him with the groceries but I was totally engrossed in the show.
After that he disappeared and ignored me for the balance of the evening. It is like it is a goal of his to spend as little time with me as possible. At some point something snapped in my head and I said to myself “I just can’t live like this anymore…..this is killing me. I need to plot to leave this man and get busy having a real life!”
The long and short of it is this: I am not happy and I am tired of trying to figure out how to be happy. There is nothing that I can do to make him be the husband I need and want. There is no way I can adjust my life to be happy with him as he is and as he wants things. Long story short, we are not emotionally compatible and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is how I got divorced last time. I finally decided that I couldn’t change the situation nor could I live with it so I had to get out of it.
I slept in the basement last night and I am now trying to think about how to navigate ending this marriage. When I think of little Beanie I don’t want to hurt her so I start to feel all panicky. I also think it would be in my best interest to move away from here (I need to quit my job anyway); get away from Rocco and my husband completely. We will need to sell the house. I might move in with my mom for a while. I would need to put stuff in storage. I don’t know… it is all overwhelming!
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
HE MAKES ME CRAZY
It’s Wednesday and I am at work with the kid in my office. This morning she was cranky and didn’t want to go to school. I had no energy to argue with her so here she is.
Last night I went over to a friend’s house to watch The Tour De France on TV. We had fun. I drank too much wine. On my drive home I thought way too much about how I hate my life. How I want a husband that actually takes care of me and “cherishes” me. I would really like to be in a relationship that seems real, honest and healthy.
When I got home I went to bed early. I was grumpy and figured it was a good choice. Husband slept with our daughter. I did not act angry at him or ask him to sleep elsewhere. I just came in put stuff away and went to bed.
I tried to wake him around midnight and get him to come to bed with me but he didn’t budge. I never know why he does these things. Does he just hate me? Is he upset? Why can’t he communicate with me?
This morning he got up and tried not to bother me. The part of me that wants a real marriage wanted him to come and talk to me and discuss why he never came to bed. The part of me that has adjusted to my current marriage was glad that he left me alone and left without talking to me at all. (That’s me on the porch and used to it.)
At the end of the day I feel torn in half by all this. At times I think things aren’t so bad, that I can live like this, and that it could be so much worse; that getting divorced would suck way more than living in an unconventional marriage. Then the very next day all I can think is I must get divorced and start all over because this is NOT working. I hate living with someone who makes me feel so unloved all the time.
I feel like so much of my life is broken and I don’t have a clue about what to do next or where I should be directing my energy. I just keep existing and feeling empty and lost or angry and depressed.
Tomorrow ( 4th of July) there is a HUGE group bike ride that I plan on doing. It goes without asking that he is NOT interested in participating since he prefers to bike alone. Otherwise I would have found a babysitter and looked forward to spending the time with him.
Saturday I have signed up for a race in a nearby town. I had to get a hotel room since the race is early in the morning and it’s not realistic to drive that far before the race. I asked husband months ago if he wanted to go. He never answered. I asked again last weekend and he said “well, what would I do?” I didn’t have a good answer for him. He pretty much meant….sounds boring, no thanks.
A few weeks ago I spoke to his mom about possibly keeping our daughter so we could have time together or so he could have free time while I was gone at the race on Saturday. Grandma told me she would love to have her Beanie stay over.
So this Monday (day before yesterday) Husband finally called his mother to work on details and then told me Grandma was NOT interested in keeping the girl, but instead said he could visit. I didn’t follow up to check on this version of the story…..I decided to let him deal with it because I get VERY tired of him and his folks being wishy washy and not making plans in advance. I signed up for this race a couple of months ago so everyone knew it was coming.
So this morning he sends me this email
The plan I’m working on for the weekend is:
Thursday: bike ride when you get back from biking, then Bean and I will go watch fireworks
Friday: Bean goes to pre-school and I go to work. At 6pm we are getting on the train and going to G&G
Sat: at G&G all day but train gets back in town around 10pm
Sunday: I ride my bike
Cool? Does that work with your schedule?
This is the response I would like to send him:
Thanks a lot for just not including me in a damn thing. That makes me feel loved *NOT*. BTW I really thought it would be fun to take the train with you guys but if you think it is more fun to do it without me than I really don’t even know why we are married. Seriously you are a BIG jerk and you are doing this just to hurt my feelings. And I refuse to pretend that I don’t get that. I would cancel my out of town race if I thought that is what you really want, but I know that you really don’t give a flying fuck what I am doing so I will go and do my best to have a good time despite the fact that you are huge asshole and I am super mad that I ever thought you weren’t.
This is what I sent him:
I had hoped to do the train thing with you but if you prefer to go without me that is fine. I will do my best to not be too angry about it.
Really wasn’t in the mood for this today. He told me a few weeks ago that he was cooking up a plan to take the train to visit his parents. At the time I told him that sounded like super fun. I of course assumed that I was invited.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update:
My first instinct is to get mad and over react when he seems to be rejecting me. In my defense, this is not how I think marriage should be and I have sure been hurt and dumped enough in my life to be damaged and sensitive about such things. ALSO...he does a terrible job of actually communicating with me so I often have to fill in the blanks. I won't take the blame for that!
SO……He told me he would not take the train without me. He told me he was doing his best to let me have fun at my race and keep our daughter busy and happy. I really believe that he means well by just doing his own thing and leaving me alone. I know that is how HE wants me to treat him. BUT, here is the thing…..what is the point of being married if you don’t actually enjoy each other’s company and WANT to do things together. I just don’t get it. So frustrated!
PS – I wish we could have talks about all this stuff instead of me just mulling shit over and over in my head. AGAIN, his choice to not communicate and view talking with me about our relationship as something that is evil and to be avoided at all costs. How am I supposed to be married to this man when the main criteria for his happiness are that I leave him alone and never discuss our relationship with him???
Last night I went over to a friend’s house to watch The Tour De France on TV. We had fun. I drank too much wine. On my drive home I thought way too much about how I hate my life. How I want a husband that actually takes care of me and “cherishes” me. I would really like to be in a relationship that seems real, honest and healthy.
When I got home I went to bed early. I was grumpy and figured it was a good choice. Husband slept with our daughter. I did not act angry at him or ask him to sleep elsewhere. I just came in put stuff away and went to bed.
I tried to wake him around midnight and get him to come to bed with me but he didn’t budge. I never know why he does these things. Does he just hate me? Is he upset? Why can’t he communicate with me?
This morning he got up and tried not to bother me. The part of me that wants a real marriage wanted him to come and talk to me and discuss why he never came to bed. The part of me that has adjusted to my current marriage was glad that he left me alone and left without talking to me at all. (That’s me on the porch and used to it.)
At the end of the day I feel torn in half by all this. At times I think things aren’t so bad, that I can live like this, and that it could be so much worse; that getting divorced would suck way more than living in an unconventional marriage. Then the very next day all I can think is I must get divorced and start all over because this is NOT working. I hate living with someone who makes me feel so unloved all the time.
I feel like so much of my life is broken and I don’t have a clue about what to do next or where I should be directing my energy. I just keep existing and feeling empty and lost or angry and depressed.
Tomorrow ( 4th of July) there is a HUGE group bike ride that I plan on doing. It goes without asking that he is NOT interested in participating since he prefers to bike alone. Otherwise I would have found a babysitter and looked forward to spending the time with him.
Saturday I have signed up for a race in a nearby town. I had to get a hotel room since the race is early in the morning and it’s not realistic to drive that far before the race. I asked husband months ago if he wanted to go. He never answered. I asked again last weekend and he said “well, what would I do?” I didn’t have a good answer for him. He pretty much meant….sounds boring, no thanks.
A few weeks ago I spoke to his mom about possibly keeping our daughter so we could have time together or so he could have free time while I was gone at the race on Saturday. Grandma told me she would love to have her Beanie stay over.
So this Monday (day before yesterday) Husband finally called his mother to work on details and then told me Grandma was NOT interested in keeping the girl, but instead said he could visit. I didn’t follow up to check on this version of the story…..I decided to let him deal with it because I get VERY tired of him and his folks being wishy washy and not making plans in advance. I signed up for this race a couple of months ago so everyone knew it was coming.
So this morning he sends me this email
The plan I’m working on for the weekend is:
Thursday: bike ride when you get back from biking, then Bean and I will go watch fireworks
Friday: Bean goes to pre-school and I go to work. At 6pm we are getting on the train and going to G&G
Sat: at G&G all day but train gets back in town around 10pm
Sunday: I ride my bike
Cool? Does that work with your schedule?
This is the response I would like to send him:
Thanks a lot for just not including me in a damn thing. That makes me feel loved *NOT*. BTW I really thought it would be fun to take the train with you guys but if you think it is more fun to do it without me than I really don’t even know why we are married. Seriously you are a BIG jerk and you are doing this just to hurt my feelings. And I refuse to pretend that I don’t get that. I would cancel my out of town race if I thought that is what you really want, but I know that you really don’t give a flying fuck what I am doing so I will go and do my best to have a good time despite the fact that you are huge asshole and I am super mad that I ever thought you weren’t.
This is what I sent him:
I had hoped to do the train thing with you but if you prefer to go without me that is fine. I will do my best to not be too angry about it.
Really wasn’t in the mood for this today. He told me a few weeks ago that he was cooking up a plan to take the train to visit his parents. At the time I told him that sounded like super fun. I of course assumed that I was invited.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update:
My first instinct is to get mad and over react when he seems to be rejecting me. In my defense, this is not how I think marriage should be and I have sure been hurt and dumped enough in my life to be damaged and sensitive about such things. ALSO...he does a terrible job of actually communicating with me so I often have to fill in the blanks. I won't take the blame for that!
SO……He told me he would not take the train without me. He told me he was doing his best to let me have fun at my race and keep our daughter busy and happy. I really believe that he means well by just doing his own thing and leaving me alone. I know that is how HE wants me to treat him. BUT, here is the thing…..what is the point of being married if you don’t actually enjoy each other’s company and WANT to do things together. I just don’t get it. So frustrated!
PS – I wish we could have talks about all this stuff instead of me just mulling shit over and over in my head. AGAIN, his choice to not communicate and view talking with me about our relationship as something that is evil and to be avoided at all costs. How am I supposed to be married to this man when the main criteria for his happiness are that I leave him alone and never discuss our relationship with him???
Friday, June 28, 2013
Friday Night Swimming with Uwe
Tonight Husband had to attend a social thing for work so I was on my own.
Uwe had been making snarky comments about how we had not yet invited him to the pool with us so I set about righting that wrong. (see how he gilts me into action)
I got off work early and ran my car through the car wash. Then I headed over to Uwe’s to do the detail work. (He was supposed to be washing his truck.) When I got there he had never started on his truck but was instead rearranging his new guest room. I helped him make the bed and then we both cleaned the windows in my car. We actually do chores together!
At 5 we picked up Beanie and headed for the pool. Our pool has a very lax guest policy so I handed the office my membership card and Uwe walked in for free.
First Beanie went off the BIG springboard diving board to show off her latest achievement. Uwe of course went off too. I had on a bikini so I didn’t do anything too wild. Then she did the slide for us and other assorted tricks / swimming performances. Uwe was appropriately impressed and interested in whatever she was up to. Then Uwe and I took turns swimming laps and playing with the kids. At one point he and I raced a lap by timing it with his watch. I won!! It was so much fun.
After the pool Beanie wanted to go OUT to eat. We talked her into grabbing a pizza on the way home. Back at Uwe’s we all sat out on the deck and had our yummy cheesy dinner together as the sun was setting.
By 9pm I was exhausted and we made our way home to bed. As I drove home I kept thinking how incredibly nice my evening had been. How I relaxed and enjoyed myself in a way that I just don’t get to do very often. How my husband would have NEVER been as much fun to have around. Husband is just not good at being a friend or companion.
It made me sad, but I was in a good mood so I didn’t let it bring me down too much.
Husband got home around 11 pm. and for some reason I had a really hard time falling asleep until he got home.
Uwe had been making snarky comments about how we had not yet invited him to the pool with us so I set about righting that wrong. (see how he gilts me into action)
I got off work early and ran my car through the car wash. Then I headed over to Uwe’s to do the detail work. (He was supposed to be washing his truck.) When I got there he had never started on his truck but was instead rearranging his new guest room. I helped him make the bed and then we both cleaned the windows in my car. We actually do chores together!
At 5 we picked up Beanie and headed for the pool. Our pool has a very lax guest policy so I handed the office my membership card and Uwe walked in for free.
First Beanie went off the BIG springboard diving board to show off her latest achievement. Uwe of course went off too. I had on a bikini so I didn’t do anything too wild. Then she did the slide for us and other assorted tricks / swimming performances. Uwe was appropriately impressed and interested in whatever she was up to. Then Uwe and I took turns swimming laps and playing with the kids. At one point he and I raced a lap by timing it with his watch. I won!! It was so much fun.
After the pool Beanie wanted to go OUT to eat. We talked her into grabbing a pizza on the way home. Back at Uwe’s we all sat out on the deck and had our yummy cheesy dinner together as the sun was setting.
By 9pm I was exhausted and we made our way home to bed. As I drove home I kept thinking how incredibly nice my evening had been. How I relaxed and enjoyed myself in a way that I just don’t get to do very often. How my husband would have NEVER been as much fun to have around. Husband is just not good at being a friend or companion.
It made me sad, but I was in a good mood so I didn’t let it bring me down too much.
Husband got home around 11 pm. and for some reason I had a really hard time falling asleep until he got home.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Am I Just Wasting my Time?
Saturday's long run sucked. I had way too much time to think. I ran by myself…well with my dog. I set out to do 13.1 and only completed about 11.5. That last mile I was mentally crawling back to the car.
The entire run I was milling over the conversation my husband and I had on Friday night. The net result is this simple statement:
I wanted to get married to have a companion for life, a friend I could count on no matter what, a person to keep me company when I am old. He is fiercely, FIERCELY independent and will NEVER be what I want and need in a husband.
And I spent the rest of the weekend depressed as hell.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Grumpy
Yesterday Husband biked (bicycle) to work so instead of leaving the house for the gym at 6 am like normal, he left at almost 7. I’m not real happy when he is hanging around in the morning while I am trying to get ready to leave. Usually, he is pooping in the bathroom at the very moment I want to do my makeup……..or……I clean up the kitchen and then he heads right in there and makes ANOTHER mess. I like to listen to the news on the radio and he likes the TV news.
Another thing that makes me nuts is I make the bed, load the dishwasher, put the laundry away, tidy the cushions on the couch, get the girl ready, feed the dog and rabbit, etc. etc. He does nothing but get himself ready and then he kind of mills around looking bored. Sometimes I get tired of being the only one doing the work around the house; especially when he is there doing nothing.
When he finally went to leave, I happen to step out into the garage and spot him with NO HELMET on. I said nicely “you are going to wear your helmet aren’t you?” (This is something we had a huge fight over after the motorcycle accident and the helmet literally saved his life.) He stared back at me blankly as if to say “no…not planning on it” I waited for a bit and then I said “please where your helmet” He gave me a dismissive shrug and I yelled “FINE THEN FUCKING DIE FOR ALL I CARE” I slammed the door and went back in the house. It really makes me angry that he continues to do this shit after the motorcycle crash!
I noticed as he went down the driveway he DID put on the helmet.
-------------------------------------------
Last night it was almost dark when he finally got home and I had started to worry. He told me he worked late. I wondered to myself if he really had. (He's known to have lied to me in the past.) Then he spent the balance of the evening being a total grump. He was just an ass. He never actually said anything but he sort of stomped around the house with an angry scowl on his face. He opened and closed the refrigerator door too hard. You know, stuff like an angry teenager might do.
It was depressing and I let it bring me down. It's hard for me to ignore that behavior in my own home.....from a person I care about. I know I am not supposed to let it affect me but it does. I sad in bed and watched TV and stayed out of his way.
I asked him what was wrong but of course he didn’t answer. I just wish he would tell me what is on his mind once in a while….that’s all.
Another thing that makes me nuts is I make the bed, load the dishwasher, put the laundry away, tidy the cushions on the couch, get the girl ready, feed the dog and rabbit, etc. etc. He does nothing but get himself ready and then he kind of mills around looking bored. Sometimes I get tired of being the only one doing the work around the house; especially when he is there doing nothing.
When he finally went to leave, I happen to step out into the garage and spot him with NO HELMET on. I said nicely “you are going to wear your helmet aren’t you?” (This is something we had a huge fight over after the motorcycle accident and the helmet literally saved his life.) He stared back at me blankly as if to say “no…not planning on it” I waited for a bit and then I said “please where your helmet” He gave me a dismissive shrug and I yelled “FINE THEN FUCKING DIE FOR ALL I CARE” I slammed the door and went back in the house. It really makes me angry that he continues to do this shit after the motorcycle crash!
I noticed as he went down the driveway he DID put on the helmet.
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Last night it was almost dark when he finally got home and I had started to worry. He told me he worked late. I wondered to myself if he really had. (He's known to have lied to me in the past.) Then he spent the balance of the evening being a total grump. He was just an ass. He never actually said anything but he sort of stomped around the house with an angry scowl on his face. He opened and closed the refrigerator door too hard. You know, stuff like an angry teenager might do.
It was depressing and I let it bring me down. It's hard for me to ignore that behavior in my own home.....from a person I care about. I know I am not supposed to let it affect me but it does. I sad in bed and watched TV and stayed out of his way.
I asked him what was wrong but of course he didn’t answer. I just wish he would tell me what is on his mind once in a while….that’s all.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Burning
The weekend was GOOD mostly:
- Passed the 5 year old to her Grandparents without a hitch. This involved two hours of driving (1 with her in the car) and on Friday night you never know what mood you will get or what traffic will be like.
- I visited my friend Brent’s farm and saw some baby cows, sampled his mom’s cookies and watched an angry mama cat attach my dog. (It was funny, trust me.) I also got to watch my dog happily play with another Aussie for over an hour. She told me the farm was like Disney World for dogs.
- We got confirmation that Beanie will be going to the private school we had hoped for.
- I found Lands End school uniform skirts on sale for $10 each.
- Had a good 9.5 mile long run and a great 20 mile group bike ride.
- Had a delightful 2 hour visit with my pregnant running buddy.
- Listened to my codependency book more.
- Picked up and organized the play room which was long overdue.
- Left the dog in a makeshift fence and it seemed to work for now.
- Enjoyed listening to This American Life without interruption.
- Talked to Friss on both Saturday and Sunday.
- Had a nice BBQ dinner with Uwe Sunday night after the bike ride and we watched 60 mintues together.
- Found a throw away piece of furniture and shoved it in my SUV and hauled it over to Ramone who was thrilled to get it.
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| I am second from the right. |
The BAD:
All week long I told Husband that we should have a date night on Saturday evening while we were without child. He agreed. All week long I looked forward to sitting at a table with him and getting to spend quality time together. I envisioned us actually having a “real” conversation. I even had things saved up to discuss.
BUT, Saturday when I arrived home around 4 pm to start getting ready for this date, he was still out working on clearing his field. You know the one he was doing just for my dog. Ha. I walked up there and asked him how it was going and to confirm we still had dinner plans. He told me that he could not leave because he was burning brush and needed to watch the fire.
Of course I was disappointed but what could I say. I told him that was fine but that I hoped we could still get some time to talk. I explained my goal wasn’t dinner out it was just to have quality time with each other. He agreed we could still have quality time even at home.
I then went in the house and because I knew we weren’t going anywhere I changed into my comfy clothes and ate a snack.
It wasn’t long before he came in and said he thought it would be OK if we left briefly to grab dinner. So, then I had to tell him it was too late that I had already snacked. (I am on a diet and really can’t afford to eat a big meal much less dinner out AND a snack.) Also, I knew he would want to race back to check the fire. Quality dates are not rushed. Now he acted disappointed. I think this was a bit PA…to say no and then say yes and put me in the spot to say no. Then again maybe he was just being accommodating.
At some point I went outside and tried to have the conversation I had planned. I sat in the lawn chair and the whole time we were talking he was fussing with stuff in the garage and driveway. His attention was not all mine even though he was listening. He responded appropriately to all I told him and then we were adjourned and he went back into the field until dark.
I felt we didn’t connect as I had hoped, but I was happy that at least he listened to me. When it got dark he came inside and cleaned up and we put in a movie and climbed into bed and promptly fell asleep. (I had envisioned some heavy petting followed by some love making after the connecting at dinner or home.)
To sum it up…I hoped to connect and feel close….I hoped we could make love…..I hoped we would make good use of our time without our daughter. BUT as usual we didn’t connect and I was left feeling like my husband and I live in different countries.
PS - I am sure he is pissed that he didn't get laid all weekend!
PS - I am sure he is pissed that he didn't get laid all weekend!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Fence Fighting (part 2)
So after work last night I was out back marking the corners where I plan to have the fence company add on to the back fence so the chickens aren’t living in a 10x10 cell. I have a list of fence contractors I was planning on getting bids from and I wanted them to be able to come out, even if I wasn’t home, and take a look.
Husband came home and found me out back and muttered something negative. I ignored him.
Then later in the kitchen he says to me “don’t phone the fence company…I can do that myself this weekend”. I am sure he meant well when he said this but I was not happy.
I turned to him and I said “I know I am going to sound like a raving bitch but I just have to say this….if you can fix this up yourself in a weekend I am going to be super pissed off that I have waited 6 months!!”
I am pretty sure we exchanged a few more words but I was a bit too “hot” to even remember the details. I do know that later in the evening I walked by him in the kitchen and he looked sad. He was sitting at the table with his head hung. I felt bad and wanted to comfort him. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away.
I had had enough…I was done….I went to bed. (In the past I would have cried myself to sleep or even lay awake because I was so upset but instead, I just passed out. Is it progress that I just don’t care anymore?)
I woke up around 12:30 and realized he had come to bed which totally surprised me. I thought he would sleep in the other room or worse yet, sneak out of the house like he did in February. Is this progress?
I don’t even remember how I woke him up be we ended up talking. I told him that it was ridiculous that we can’t seem to communicate on even the most basic level. That what he needs and wants in a relationship (distance & space) is the exact opposite of what I need and want (closeness & intimacy). That I NEED to talk about things that bother me and I can’t keep holding it in forever just so he doesn’t have to be put off by the fact that I want to talk and it may not be fun. I told him I am sick of trying to make things better in our relationship all by myself and doing everything his way.
I explained to him that normal couples get along, are happy and well adjusted most all of the time and periodically they hit a bump in the road and then they deal with it. They discuss the issue and work out a mutually satisfying solution and then both feel better (satisfied) and move on with getting back to normal and happy. This is how ALL of my pervious relationships worked. He was quick to say “well if they were so great why aren’t you still with them?”
Then, to be an equal smart ass I went on to tell him about why each of the 5 major relationships in my life had ended. 1) Ran off with the neighbor’s wife 2) would not commit 3) Complete opposite of me and we got to the point we hated each other. 4) dumped me for young blonde assistant 5) dumped me for much younger dark headed co-worker. (Can you see why I believe most men will trade up if given the chance?)
Back to the real story…….I feel my marriage is normal and happy maybe 10% of the time. I mean it’s not the norm it’s a treat when thing seam peaceful. The norm is him being irritated by my presence and me being stifled and lonely so I don’t bother him too much.
Here’s the thing….he thinks that living with another person is about putting up with them and making the best of having to deal with them in your space. He doesn’t view it as something that even can be nice most of the time. I now understand that a big reason he thinks that is because that is how his parents are. They seem to put up with each other. (They have been married for over 50 years!) His father is quick to disappear and not say a word. He often hides out so he can be alone. They both spend hours reading or doing yard work to get away from each other. I don’t think they even sleep together. It’s really just sad and I don’t want to be like that.
I quizzed him on how he shows me he loves me. He used to tell me it was because he comes home. I always say “you live here that is lame.” Now he has graduated to “I don’t cheat on you!” I called bullshit real quick on that. You see he has told me a hundred times that he would never cheat on me because he can barely stand trying to keep one girl happy why would he sign up to appease two. (This is valid, he would NOT want to deal with a girlfriend and I know it. It has nothing to do with respect for me it has to do with the fact that he is too selfish to give of himself to another person.) He acknowledged that I was indeed right!
Another thing we discussed was the fact that he doesn’t NEED me for anything. He doesn’t need hugs or someone to talk to. He doesn’t even need me for sex…he has porn. He told me he needs me to be our daughter’s mom. No duh. He says he needs me to teach him to be more loving. He likes the fact that I have insisted he give me a kiss and say good bye when leaving.
He also told me we need to spend more time together. We even discussed things we could do and I told him that me chasing him on a bike is not together time….it’s just irritating to me. He promised we would start having dinner as a family at least once a week. I am thrilled. I hope it happens.
The midnight talk was hard…but it seemed like we actually got somewhere. I woke up this morning feeling MUCH better.
Friday, April 5, 2013
The Fence (part 1)
At some time in our sorted past (when we visited the therapist together I think) my husband told me that sometimes I bowl people over; that I get an idea or have an inspiration and there is no stopping me or talking me into something else. That basically I become so focused and intent on accomplishing my goal that I don’t realize I might be stepping on toes or offending people in the process. I have been told similar things before but it was phrased more like “you are very driven which can be both good and bad”.
It’s true; I can be a go getter which means I am good at getting shit accomplished! But I can also see where it might be a bit much at times for those close to me like my parents or my partner in life.
So last October when my husband and I discussed me getting my dog, one of the things I told him was that I would need a fence to house her in so I could leave her safely at home. You see a few years ago my husband took over the back yard so he could keep chickens. My dog was effectively kicked out without my permission. I know he thought they could share the space but really who would think that? Later the dog was hit by a car and we had to deal with a broken leg. It was a mess.
Before she even arrived, my husband knew and agreed that we would get a fenced in area for her. At the time husband was very eager to clear our “upper” lot and he suggested that we should fence it in. Now this is at least an acre of land and it is not right next to the house…it is across the driveway and up a short distance. Not ideal for me and my dog but better than nothing. In an effort to keep the peace and make my husband into a hero I said that would be fine. I knew I was signing up to escorting the dog out of the house to put her in the fence come rain or shine or winter snow, but I also figured, if he was happy that was good and that often the dog could run free while we are home and I would just stuff her in fence when I actually left the house.
Husband set about doing some clearing for the fence to be built, but made no effort to get a hold of a fencing company for weeks and weeks. (Keep in mind that he LOVES playing with his chainsaw more than almost anything in the world.) Before long it was almost Christmas and I was pestering him about when the new fence would be completed. He told me he was working on it but it was a bad time of the year to get fencing companies to come bid a job.
By then I was getting frustrated with his rather lackadaisical pace. It was also around this time I quizzed him harder on why we don’t just relocate the chickens and return the back yard to the dog area. He told me the chickens were safer up by the house (Raccoons less likely to eat them) and that it was much easier for him to feed them and open and close the coop door daily if they were so handy. Which made good sense to me and I was happy he explained (he often does not).
My next step was to ponder possible ways to get a fence faster and still make everyone happy. I mean ideally, we would not move the chicken house and I would still be able to put the dog in the yard from the house. You know, open the patio door and pop her out while still in my sock feet.
Then I had a thought; what if we divided the back yard into two sections; a chicken side and a dog side? The only problem with that plan is that the currently fenced yard is not very big. Then I decided it would be the perfect solution to enlarge the fenced in back yard and then divide it into two areas. After all there is plenty of room back there.
I came home eager to share this idea with husband. I’m thinking this is a win win. I get my dog fence back and he keeps his chickens close to the house. I took him outside and showed him my concept where he “poo-pood” it quickly. He said it would be too expensive, that it would not be good for resale (goofy two area back yard) and that it would look unattractive. Valid arguments I suppose so I let it go. Back to plan “A” fencing of the upper lot.
I also have to mention that when he tells me these things it is with a tone of “don’t be ridiculous” that is rather dismissive which makes feel disrespected. He is very capable of being courteous to others when discussing their ideas but chooses to not be that way with me. However rather than be angry at him, which accomplishes nothing, I choose to think he treats me this way because we are so familiar and he is letting his REAL self out. This is a good thing if I choose to view it as one.
Finally he got a bid on the job….it was like $6000 for the fence he had envisioned. No way would he spend that kind of cash so he pared down the plan and got the cost down to more like $3000. At one point he even considered canning the whole idea until I reminded him that I was still patiently waiting for a place to keep my dog. (See he forgot whey it was even being done.)
So the fence guy was going to start working on our $3000 upper lot fence in late February when it snowed. More delays. (This is taking forever!!)
So all winter I took the dog to work with me every day and left her in the car in her kennel a lot after work. Now that it is up over 50 degrees I can’t leave her in the car like that anymore and not having a fence is becoming a much bigger deal for me. I have, in desperation, gone and stuck her into my X-husbands back yard. It’s not a great solution and requires a fair bit of driving out of my way on my part but I don’t have many options. One night I even forgot to go pick her up. Got all the way home and realized I didn’t have her! I had to call and beg X-husband to let her in his house for the night. He was NOT thrilled.
Now the snow is gone and we haven’t heard a word from our fence guy. I am pretty sure he is out doing bigger jobs that will net him bigger profits. So it has been almost SIX months now and I still don’t have a fence for my dog.
To be completely honest….I am at the end of my rope. I never meant to drag this dog around in the car with me everywhere I go for months and months. I mean when she was a small puppy it was great….I got to train her and bond. But now it is just a ridiculous pain in the ass.
Yesterday I couldn’t go to the gym because it was 75 degrees out and I could not leave the dog in the car.
Anyhow…..last Wednesday I asked husband if we could discuss the two fence idea again. I had a few more ideas that I thought would help him buy into my plan. One was to do fewer modifications on the existing fence and the other was to put up a temporary not a permanent divider between the chicken and dog that could easily be removed should we need to sell. I am getting desperate at this point an NEED this done.
He then says to me “do whatever you want, but I am pissed that I worked all winter to make you the fence up on the upper lot and now it was all for nothing. I wasted a lot of my time and money on this!”
SOOOOO…….do you think that went over well???? NO…no it did not.
Lucky for him it was an email conversation. I told him a) I was letting you do what YOU wanted…it was never my first choice b) I have been patiently waiting for 6 months now…SIX MONTHS. C) You have wanted to clear that upper lot since the day we moved in so don’t tell me that all that work was for me!
(See this is how the passive aggressive person turns stuff around and makes me out to be a bad guy no matter what the situation.)
This was his next message word for word “You have been patient and I have failed to provide you with a fence. I am sorry for pushing my way on you.”
NOW he is in super PA mode….apologizing and acting all wounded. I want to scream!
(But even more I WANT A FENCE!!!!!)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
NEED for the Physical Release
So husband said he would throw out the porn if I promised to participate in sex with him at least 3 times a week. At first I was thinking sure no problem. Under normal circumstances (in the past when in a healthy relationship) three times a week was about right for me.
Then I thought about it a little harder and realized that I don’t necessarily want to agree to a schedule and a quantity. It just seems too mechanical. I am looking for intimacy not sex and feeling obligated to relieve him of his pressure at least three times a week is not going to help me feel more loved or appreciated. It most likely will make me feel more used.
I, of course, will ask George about it. He told me last week that he is worried that husband has a bad habit, also known as an addiction of ejaculating daily. I mean, generally if left alone he would get up and eat breakfast, take a dump and ejaculate as a typical every morning routine. Like brushing your teeth it is a daily activity in his mind.
Husband told me he NEEDS the physical release and that is the word that got George to think it is an addiction. Sad thing is, George says that most all men who suffer from a sex addiction must be treated at an inpatient facility to get over it! WOW
Anyhow, after more thought, I think he can keep his damn porn and jack off all he wants. It has got to be easier on me.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Negotiation
Negotiation is a dialogue between two or more people or parties, intended to reach an understanding, resolve point of difference, or gain advantage in outcome of dialogue, to produce an agreement upon courses of action, to bargain for individual or collective advantage, to craft outcomes to satisfy various interests of two people/parties involved in negotiation process. Negotiation is a process where each party involved in negotiating tries to gain an advantage for themselves by the end of the process. Negotiation is intended to aim at compromise.
Last night at 2 am I was thinking about what I could discuss with my husband next time we are having a talk when no one is upset and this is what I came up with.
You see, we never have a good productive problem solving discussion that I walk away from feeling satisfied. The reason we don’t is because he won’t go through the negotiation process with me. He either gets offended and shuts down or he just gives in and says “whatever you want”. You might think that I am a lucky woman if my husband always says YES but you would be wrong. It is just frustrating because he is not communicating his needs and desires to me at all. And, by golly, I want to understand and respect his needs and desires.
If we could fix this one thing it could be huge and I think it is something I can bring up without emotion and discuss in a very analytic way which should please him.
First I will explain I want to discuss Negotiation. Then I will explain why it is the subject I have chosen. I will be sure to point out that “yes dear” is a kind and generous response for him to give his wife but I really care about his feeling and opinions so I want more dialogue.
Then I will cover the steps in negotiating and ask him if next time we have a conflict or possible point of contention if we could just go through these steps.
They are:
Last but not least, I would add that once in a while, if you can not arrive at a mutually agreeable solution it is ok to say “let’s agree to disagree”. You don’t have to always agree, but you do at least need to give compromise and the negotiation process a chance!
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| Bonus points to anyone who knows where this photo came from! |
Last night at 2 am I was thinking about what I could discuss with my husband next time we are having a talk when no one is upset and this is what I came up with.
You see, we never have a good productive problem solving discussion that I walk away from feeling satisfied. The reason we don’t is because he won’t go through the negotiation process with me. He either gets offended and shuts down or he just gives in and says “whatever you want”. You might think that I am a lucky woman if my husband always says YES but you would be wrong. It is just frustrating because he is not communicating his needs and desires to me at all. And, by golly, I want to understand and respect his needs and desires.
If we could fix this one thing it could be huge and I think it is something I can bring up without emotion and discuss in a very analytic way which should please him.
First I will explain I want to discuss Negotiation. Then I will explain why it is the subject I have chosen. I will be sure to point out that “yes dear” is a kind and generous response for him to give his wife but I really care about his feeling and opinions so I want more dialogue.
Then I will cover the steps in negotiating and ask him if next time we have a conflict or possible point of contention if we could just go through these steps.
They are:
1) Prepare: Know what you are negotiating for and what your position is.
2) Inform: Let the other person know what you want and why you want it. Explain your position and back it up with logic. Express your desired outcome. This is your chance to share and be heard.
3) Bargain & Problem solve: Now after both parties have been properly informed search for common ground and a mutually agreeable outcome. Time for give and take. Hammer out the details of what will work for both of you. Concessions might need to be made by both parties.
4) Closure & Implementation: Once agreement has been achieved be sure that both parties understand and are willing to follow through. Be sure that both understand their roll in implementation. Both parties should feel satisfied that they were heard and their ideas were of value.
Last but not least, I would add that once in a while, if you can not arrive at a mutually agreeable solution it is ok to say “let’s agree to disagree”. You don’t have to always agree, but you do at least need to give compromise and the negotiation process a chance!
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