Does this make sense?

For years and years I so wanted Husband to let me in (to his heart).  For years and years I longed to be closer to him.  I put up with crazy things hoping that someday things would turn out fine.  And then I got tired of it and quit trying.  It was easier to just mentally walk away than to keep getting rejected.  At some point you turn off your feeling in a self preservation effort.  I finally gave up (in my heart) because I was just too tired and weary of the whole thing.  This was after we went to therapy together and it was such a flop.  After the Italy trip I just decided to live my life more on my own.

As one of my books says “I decided to get my needs met elsewhere”

And I really didn’t understand this until recently when he started putting forth the effort and I was at a loss to be appreciative and receive it.  I realize that now I am the one that is incapable of being intimate.  I have gotten so far away.  I just feel like we are strangers.

And as I lay there at night thinking I hate that we don’t cuddle…..I don’t really wish he would cuddle any more.  I am used to him not cuddling.  That is where my comfort is now.  I am in the habit of resenting his distance yet at the same time, I don’t think I really want it to change anymore.  Or at least I don’t feel excited about it changing.  It just feels wrong somehow.

To explaine in a different way: I knocked on the door and he would not open it for YEARS.  I patiently knocked on the door and desperately wanted him to open it…but he didn’t.   Finally, I gave up and sat down on the porch and said “FINE…I don’t want in your fucking house any more”.  At first I didn’t mean it, I was just frustrated but then I made new friends out on the street and I got used to being on that porch all on my own.  It became my place; my domain.  I no longer worried as much about getting in the door.  Sure I still thought it would be cool to get in but deep down inside I was over it. 

So now he opens the door and he says “come on in…it’s what you’ve always wanted!”  And I don’t feel like I want to any more.  I feel like it’s too late.  I feel like I have set up this whole life out on the porch and I can’t just ignore it because he finally decided to open the door. 

Besides I don’t know what it would be like in there.  I’m comfortable out here.

I don’t know if I can forgive him for not opening the door years ago.  Not just because it hurt me and upset me but because really, who the hell puts their pregnant girlfriend on the porch and doesn’t WANT them in the house.  That’s just ignorant shit to do to another person!

Maybe I just have a lot of hostility and once I get it out I can go through the door?

(George says I have to let go of the past and appreciate him for trying and realize that people change.)

Sad

Today I am sad.  Some days you just feel sad.

I suspect the sadness started from watching the news about the destruction in Oklahoma; particularly the children.  I actively try to avoid such news because I know that when I hear of children dying it triggers some deeper pains in my heart.  Then, as if feeling sad for others is not enough, I have to go and heap on some of my own personal sadness as well.

If there is one thing I am good at, it is being sad.

When I am sad I feel like the rest of the world hates me and is judging me.  That they are looking at me and they can see I am sad and they think I am pathetic.  Like everyone can read my mind and know I am desperate to belong, be normal or to feel loved.  Then I just feel insecure and I worry that shows too.

I sure wish I could be a sexy, confident woman who doesn’t let the rest of the world disrupt her Zen peace of mind!!

It Should Not Be This Hard

This weekend my husband tried VERY hard to be sweet and nice and kind and do anything I wanted.  I realize this, appreciate it and it makes me happy to know that he IS trying.

BUT, at the same time we grated on each other’s nerves, disappointed each other, miscommunicated, annoyed and in general did not get along well.  It is SO frustrating that we are both trying and we both mean well and it still just doesn’t work out.

So then I wonder if there is no way we will ever be happy or even satisfied with each other.  Maybe, just maybe we will never get past the point of “not meshing well”. 

Who knows?

I wish I did.  I can’t stand the idea of getting divorced and I can’t stand the idea of living so uncomfortably for the foreseeable future.

He thinks I expect too much too fast….that I don’t have enough patience to let things change gradually and just be happy that they are improving at all.  And you know what?  He is RIGHT.  I am not a patient person.  I am frustrated.  I am tired.  I am worried that years and years will go by and I will wish I had not wasted years of my life on a relationship that will never work for me.

Taking The Bull by The Horns

Last night I thought long and hard about what George and I had discussed.  I thought about contacting Rocco to discuss how his return to town was going to play out.  (I know both Rocco and his wife are thinking about running into me too.)

Then I decided it would be best to just talk to wife…..not Rocco.  A few years back, I corresponded with her often via email and I feel like it would be more appropriate to talk to her since I don’t want anyone to think I am after Rocco or something.  Besides, I know he is super busy at work and really doesn’t have the time or interest in dealing with me.

So this morning when I got to work I sent her this email: 

“Hey, I heard you guys are moving back to town.  I hope we can be friends and everything is cool?!?!?!   You’re thoughts?”

Her response:

“Hi. Yep, moving back.  I have mixed feeling on this move.  I am VERY excited to be near my family, especially my sister, but I absolutely hate leaving my life and friends here.  I suppose the friend’s part is totally up to you.  I would love to have a girlfriend there to occasionally bike with, but I am not planning on coming back and trying to invade your space or horn in on your life or friendships.  I know that it will probably be tough since we both like doing the same things and we may see each other occasionally, but we can make it work if you would prefer to just be acquaintances.  You know, sometimes, I really miss just shooting the shit with you while we are both at work.  Sometimes. ;)”

If I am to be completely honest here…..if I were to remove her from the circumstances and just consider her as a person (not Rocco’s pick over me), I think she is pretty nice.  We do have a lot in common.  (however a lot of that has to do with our relationship with Rocco.  She took up cycling after she started dating him just like I did.) 

I told her I was cool with being friends (we are now Facebook friends too) and that I wanted to let her know that so there would be no concerns.    

I just realized that I had no other options….so I decided to be the big person and extend the olive branch.  I’m not going to take them home baked cookies as soon as they move back or anything.  (In fact I asked her where they were planning on living and she didn’t give me a straight answer.)  BUT, for the moment, I am going to consider the issue closed; hope that I really don’t run into them ....much.... but should I run into them I will be cool and friendly and know that I already set the stage for things to be “chill”.

 I know it's all in my head so taking charge of this situation has made me feel in control and that has done a lot to eliviate my anxiety.  (for now at least)

Balance

Tonight I found out more about what is going on with Rocco and family.

They are moving back here to be closer to her family.  He is taking a job that will be less hours and less stressful.  (No doubt he is putting family first.)  She is not going to get a job but instead will be a stay at home mom. (I can’t lie…that stabs me in the heart.)

I Googled his new job…evidently office hours on Friday end at 12:30…lucky bastard.

He always was the type to balance quality of life with money.  I am sure they will still be able to afford nice vacations and all but the real reason for the move is quality of life.  He will have more time with the family and they will be closer to her family for babysitting and all.

:~(

George Earns his Money

Friss called this morning so I told him what all was going on.  He was sweet and let me cry on his shoulder.  I am so glad I have him to confide in.  He told me to tell George that I am stronger than I think I am and he knows it and he wishes I did.  How sweet is that!?

At noon I drove to George’s office and the whole way there I was struggling with what I would say and how I would explain.  I mean really, George and I have barely talked about Rocco ever.  We usually just yap about Husband.

It was hot so I took my dog in with me….George is cool like that and let me do it.  I sat down and the first thing I said was “Today George, you will earn your money!”  I then filled him in as best I could and started to sob and feel completely broken.  I explained….this was not just some old boyfriend that dumped me….this was my soul mate (or so I thought) and he crushed my heart and I have NEVER recovered.   Rocco was my greatest love.  We dated from 1996-2002.  The last few years were fucked up and that made the brake up even worse.  Without meaning to, he tore me down as he tried to justify his feeling for the other women at work.  I have never been able to replace him and I have always felt that “she stole my life.”

My dog fussed around the whole time I was talking....she knew I was upset. 

I know all this is not normal or rational and George told me if it hurts me, it is real to me and that is what matters.  George could see how upset I was and how much anxiety their return was causing me.  I know he was a bit surprised but he said all the right things to make me feel accepted and that he understood.  That alone made me feel better since after all these years EVERYONE else says “oh my god you are still hung up on this guy after all these year!?  Just get over it already!?!”

I know it’s fucked up but in my defense, I have tried everything I can think of to get past it and nothing has worked.  Also, I think that Friss had just been sent to prison, my job was hell and a dozen other things all collapsed in my life at the same time, there is certainly an element of PTSD to the whole thing.  This brings me back to a point in my life where EVERYTHING was destroyed….my life exploded….my soul was devastated.  Basic beliefs were shattered.  I have never recovered and I know that very acutely.

I also believe that if I had gone on to meet and marry a guy that I thought was BETTER than Rocco I wouldn’t give a shit about him.  You know the best revenge is living life well.  I know that feeling so alone in life since he left and never actually finding a suitable replacement for him has made a huge difference in how I still feel about him.  At this point he is irreplaceable in my heart and mind.

George’s advise:  You will see them and you need to start making peace with the idea.  Visualize seeing them and how you will react.  Process it in your mind so when it happens you are ready and you don’t freak out.  I assured him I would be cool in their presence it would be after I saw them I would come unglued.  I know I will race to my car and ball like a baby after the first time I see them in person.  I know I will.

He also told me that I have “unfinished business” with Rocco and this is fate giving me a chance to work on that business.  That he has come back into my life because it was meant to be.  I don’t think, and I know he didn’t mean, that we will get back together…but I do believe he is right and I have to understand that I must get thru this before I will feel strong again. I must make peace with this part of my life at some point.   I guess now I need to start that process.

I don’t still love Rocco…hell I don’t even know him anymore….but I am still in love with that person I was in love with many years ago.  That person that felt so right.  I still miss him very much. 

I also know that person doesn't even exist anymore.

My 6th Sense

I have had this odd feeling……lately; been thinking of Rocco more than usual.  Just an odd tick in the back of my head.  So yesterday, Tuesday, I sent him the following email.

“How are you?  How is the little man?  Anything exciting going on in your life?”

Other than the occasional happy birthday or Merry Christmas email we have barely talked in years.  Since his son was born last August, I think he has sent me photos of him twice.  We always keep it brief as he doesn’t want to upset the wife or me.

Anyway the point is we really don’t have anything to do with each other anymore.  When I sent the email I thought he might respond with something like: “got a promotion” or “moving to a new house” or even “moving to a new exotic town” …..But I really did NOT expect to get this response this morning.

“Life is crazy, but good.  Quit my job this week.  Took a job back there that starts in June.  Trying to get a house cleaned up, a teenager settled somewhere, and a move coordinated with only 3 weeks to go.  And I have to make time for one last mountain bike ride, too much snow this spring haven’t been able to ride yet.  Little man is doing great, my motivation for doing all this shit.”

I was shocked….stunned.  I had really thought I would never see him again and I was OK with that.  I had pretty much decided to not even contact him ever again.  I mean what is the point....right?  I have always been jealous that they live in Denver but still I was happy they were not here in my small town where I would run into them all the time.

My first reaction was to start to cry but being at work I had to “suck it up”.  It felt like someone had punched me in the gut.  I called Julia for sympathy and she dutifully told me she gets it.  She asked why I even emailed and I told her that I would rather find out this way than just accidently running into them in the grocery store one day and being shocked as hell right in front of them.  At least now I have a chance to sort my feelings out.

Then I sat here some more….thinking of all the ramifications.

1)      I would now have to see them and talk to them (making their life together more REAL to me again).  This town is too small and we have too much in common to avoid them.  Besides I can’t live constantly trying to dodge them.  (I don't want to hear his voice.)

2)      They got the good grocery store before….I guess they will get it again.  Had nightmares that I ran into them in the grocery store so I don’t really want to come face to face with them happily shopping like a real family.  Cross that store off my options after June first.

3)      We have mutual friends that I kind of “got” when they left town….now that was going to be a problem again….unless I want to hang out with Rocco and wife and those friends.

4)      The job he is taking (since we are both accountants) here is probably a job I could have had.  We have very similar credentials and there are so few jobs in this town that I would actually want.  Missing an opportunity like that sucks.  (him getting it instead of me sucks even more.)

5)      His wife is now into triathlon….what if she joins my club?  What if all my “new” friends love her?  What if she kicks my ass at all the races?  I need this outlet for ME and i don't want to share with her!

6)      This is going to keep me awake at night.  I might have nightmares….I have before.  This is going to fuck my head up even if I don’t want it to.  It is bigger than me and I know it.

I sat here frozen for a long time.  The UPS guy came in and asked me what was wrong.  I told him it feels like someone has died….and thought to myself…….that someone is me.

I want to leave work and run away.  I want to leave work and get drunk and pass out.  (I want a shoulder to cry on but I have no one.)  BUT next week is my audit so I have a million things to get done and can’t spend any more time thinking about this!!!

I must set it aside until tomorrow when I go to see George.  I know he can help.  I sure hope I can sleep tonight.  I NEED to sleep and work so badly right now.  This is bad timing….very bad timing.

At least they won’t be here for a few more weeks.

Mothers Day Weekend

WOW…what a weekend.  So busy and so much accomplished.

Here are the highlights:

Friday husband got a new Subaru Outback.  We both love it!   (I am actually a little nervous that I may like it more than my Honda CRV…it has more room.)

Yesterday morning I luckily ran into some friends which in turn led to the four of us running together for 13.1 miles in about 2 hours.  Now that was a run I desperately needed!

Husband was pretty darn good all weekend.  I expected him to be all grumpy from writing large checks at the car dealer but he wasn’t.  I expected him to be grumpy for spending so much money at the grocery store but he wasn’t.  I expected him to be cranky after entertaining family all day Sunday but he wasn’t.  Has anyone seen my “real” husband?

This morning Husband and I had “adult” relations and it wasn’t so bad.  More quick and to the point which is what I needed. 

Over the weekend I asked him some more questions about why he is so “fiercely” independent.  I want to understand.  I think George and I both assume that he was smothered as a child and fears loss of freedom.  The only answer he gave me that I could grasp on to was that he doesn’t want to “bother” anyone.  He told me that other people don’t really care about his life and what he is doing so why needlessly bother them about it.  You see he assumes no one cares what he is doing.  I told him I care what he is doing and would love to be more informed and involved.  I also realize that this is why he doesn’t ask me what I am up to….he doesn’t care.  (See it goes both ways)

Today we had a huge crowd at our house for Mother’s Day; his parents, my mother and her bf, my brother and his gf and one of the girlfriends daughters, Monster and his dog Guillermo, Ramone and her dog Sprout and last but not lease, friend of the family, Lauren.  Super busy, super fun day but wow I am wiped out.  I am going to bed now and it’s only 7:30!

Husband, Beanie and Me.

Ramone and Monster and thier puppies.

I WANTED to Go Home!

one for each Grandma.

It was raining outside so the evening bike ride was cancelled.  I had also planned to attend a multisport club meeting at 7:30 pm.  But at 5, as I was leaving the office, I was tired and I just felt like going home for the night.

On the way home it occurred to me that if Husband and Beanie both came home it would be nice….that I wanted them to be there with me.  This made me very happy.

You see, usually if I go home after work I secretly hope they don’t come home because I want to relax and there is no way to relax with either one of them around.  In the past, husband would be projecting his unpleasant mood around and the Bean would be, well, be acting her age and be loud, agitated, animated, demanding, moody and precocious.  Or Husband would arrive, dump the kid on me and head off to do his own thing and then my "free" night would turn into his free night and I would just feel taken advantage of.

I phoned hubby and asked if they had plans….he said not really and I said why don’t  you come home and all three of us can hang out and Beanie can finish her craft projects for Mother’s Day.  

So they did. 

And we had a very nice evening.  Beanie’s project turned out fantastic (see above) and Husband hung around while I supervised the crafting and we all chatted and had fun. 

Now this is something I could get used to.

George..... Every Thursday at Noon

George told me that the M&M story was HUGE.  He said that Husband felt threatened because to him I was not being myself but being his shadow.  I frustrated him by making him feel that I was being too close and not separate enough.   So then he didn’t speak to me because he was frustrated and that is how he handled his feelings.  He just repressed them in his normal passive aggressive manor.   Or something like that.  It sounded good when George said it but now it sounds week.  I am going to bring it up again next week. 

Sometimes I feel dense or something because just one hour with George is nowhere near enough.  Seriously I can’t even begin to talk about everything I want to much less all the things I should probably be talking about.  It sucks.

And, short of taking a tape recorder, the notes I take while I am there are always inadequate.  I scribble fast and then we talk about something else and then later the notes seem pointless and I struggle to remember what the most important things we discussed was.

I keep thinking it would be better to discuss one “thing” and beat it to death for an hour than to spend 5 minutes on 12 different topics.  But usually I have 12 things on my mind.  Really if I could boil it down and find the core issues that would help…I should discuss that with him too.  Ask George what he thinks the core issues are and instead of going thru the week’s events we could talk more theoretically.

Today George and I discussed the talk Husband and I had on Friday; the huge argument we had on Wednesday morning and the lame email convo we had on Tuesday.  (Still need to blog those last two items)   We also talked about the two books I have been reading and if I have anxiety issues or not.  Oh and the fact that I want to make love to my husband but no matter how hard I try it just feels awkward.  I used to just go thru the motions and lately….even that feels funny.  When he touches me I feel squirmy and uncomfortable not sexual at all.  Hard to explain.   And I feel guilty because he really is trying to be more passionate and considerate about sex.  Driving me nuts that he is trying harder and I am NOT feeling better.  I feel like such a jerk.

So today George told me over and over again to not get mad and not yell and to keep things positive.  I told him I really try to but sometimes (like Wed morning) I just get to the point I can’t help but explode.  He said I am repressing and I need to discuss my feeling BEFORE I get to the end of my rope.  He is right I do just try to keep my mouth shut and be “pleasant” until I get so frustrated I blow up.   (This is some codependent behavior me thinks.)

Must let steam out before pot boils over!

He told me not to be so impatient that Husband is not perfect but he is trying and I should not push.  That I need to be happy we are making progress and not be greedy and want it faster or NOW.  That when I yell it reinforces his feeling that I am not “safe” so then he is LESS likely to be open and want to be close to me. 

He recommended a book called “Breaking the Patterns of Depression” by Michael Yapko, so I ordered from Amazon.  (The library didn’t have it.)

We talked about my anxiety and he said the way to work on that is to have a plan of action….to gather the real facts and not make assumptions before entering into a situation that will cause anxiety.  We talked about this very briefly and I plan to discuss it much more with him another day.

So it was really good that I got the chance to type this up right after the session.  I really do have a hard time remembering what we discussed.  I usually rush back to work and have to think about work and don’t really get a chance to mentally review the session until bedtime.

Am I Just Wasting my Time?

Saturday's long run sucked.  I had way too much time to think.  I ran by myself…well with my dog.  I set out to do 13.1 and only completed about 11.5.  That last mile I was mentally crawling back to the car.

The entire run I was milling over the conversation my husband and I had on Friday night.  The net result is this simple statement:

I wanted to get married to have a companion for life, a friend I could count on no matter what, a person to keep me company when I am old.  He is fiercely, FIERCELY independent and will NEVER be what I want and need in a husband.

And I spent the rest of the weekend depressed as hell.

He Thinks I have Anxiety Issues

Today was a food visit for Friss and HIS BIRTHDAY.  My eldest is now 31 years old!  He said it is the most anticlimactic birthday yet; that 31 is just no big deal. (He’s right)

I got home around 6 pm and Husband was hauling groceries into the house.  (Early for him to be home.) I was wiped out from all the driving and 3 hours of talking in a big room with lots of people; all the while trying to rein in a 5 year old that was low on sleep and high on silliness.

After we put the groceries away husband was all eager to talk.  I found this odd but whatever.  He asked how the visit went and I told him a few things.  He hung around and acted interested in talking MORE (it was raining outside) so we continued to chat.

He asked me why I don’t meditate and suggested that maybe some ADD meds would help.  I told him how meds fix one problem but create others.  Besides, ADD is not the problem, time is.  He then wondered if I just always keep myself too busy to relax.  I explained that if I quit running and biking I would have spare time.  I used to.  I used to sit and read or enjoy my morning coffee on the porch.  Both these things were when I had no small children around and no time consuming hobbies to speak of.

At some point he started telling me about when his ex wife first left him and he went to therapy and got on meds.  This is something personal about his past and he rarely talks about anything personal or past! 

I decided to share with him how I am very nervous to make new friends and fit in at Beanie’s new “fancy” school next fall.  He told me I try too hard and come across as desperate to fit in.  I guess I am desperate and it is obvious.  I don’t know how to be cool.  He thinks I need anxiety meds.  I don’t think meds are good for ME, but I will look into anxiety issues more.

I also told him how I feel like all the other mothers at Beanies current school are fairly close and I don’t even know how they develop these relationships given all we do is drop off and pick up a kid at the same location.  How do they all know who I am and I don’t know who they are.  Even the parents with kids in the younger classes seem to know my name.  His response to this “you think like an Engineer”.  Well I know I do, both my parents are retired engineers.  That doesn’t do anything to help me understand what is different.  (Feeling hopeless again.)

He also (and is this HUGE) brought up a fight we had in August of 2006 when we were dating and on vacation in Colorado.  While buying supplies at the grocery store in town (we were camping) he picked up a small bag of M&Ms at the checkout.  I saw him getting M&M and said I wanted some too.  I knew his would look good so I figured I should just get some for myself rather than expect him to share.  He got angry and didn’t speak to me for a long time.  I mean like hours or it might have been longer.  (long time ago so details are foggy.)  I never understood what the hell was his deal or what exactly pissed him off so much.  He never would tell me.

(I should have dumped him right there and then but I didn’t * sigh*.)

So he finally told me (almost 7 years later) that he was angry that I was copying him and that he is fiercely independent and I am so needy.  Or something to that effect.  I was being too comfortable for him I guess.

As we stood in the kitchen I could feel my nose turning red as the tears started to well up.  I controlled it because I know how he hates it if I get emotional.  I told him that mirroring people is a technique that is actually supposed to make people like you.  (Not that I was actually thinking that at the time.  At the time I just thought M&Ms sounded like a good idea.)

I told him I got my own to be nice so I would not ask for some of his and ….even more important….it was just a freakin’ bag of candy! 

He reiterated again that he is fiercely independent.

We talked about a lot more and unfortunately, I couldn’t just get up Saturday morning and write it all down.  Wish I had….there was tons of good stuff in there.  This is what stuck and what seems relevant.

Mostly Friday night I felt thrilled that he had finally, finally had a real conversation with me.  That we interacted like close friends or people that have a real emotional relationship.  You know….sharing feeling and thoughts not just exchanging information.

I Love Eden Riley

Do you read Eden’s blog?  I have been reading it since BEFORE she was “famous”.  I have read EVERY word she has ever written in this blog and the old one too….before Edenland.  I fell in love with her from the start.  I even posted a comment to let her know.  We have emailed and I have even had dreams about her and going to visit Australia and her and Dave.

I have been wondering and worried about where she has been….she has been gone.  Then today, she came back and told her story like she does and I was blow away, like I always am.

It is sometimes beyond my comprehension that this woman, in Australia, whom I have never met in person, can have such a huge impact on my life but she does…..she always does.  It is almost like fate that she is here for me.

For the past 5 years or so, I have read her blog FIRST THING every day when I arrive at work. I can’t tell you how many times whatever she needed to write was EXACTLY what I needed to read.  It’s true…..she has helped me so many times and she doesn’t even realize it!

These last few months I have been really struggling to keep my feet under me and then I get to work this morning to find out my brother’s girlfriend (who has a huge heart)….her daughter tried to commit suicide.  I was shaken and upset and then I read Eden’s blog. 

Yesterday…just YESTERDAY….I e-mailed Eden because I couldn’t take her absence any longer and I was worried.  I missed her.  AND, yesterday was the day she got out.  She too has been having a hard time keeping her feet under her!

And I read her blog today and I realized that some people shed their skin and put their bones into everything. I’m not exactly sure what she means but I know what I think it means.  AND I think I do it too.  I think some people just live a more intense life….they can’t, just can’t let stuff roll off.   

I am tired of trying to be who I want to be or who I should be.  I am tired of stuffing all my feeling down because I shouldn’t have so many feelings….because I should be a grown up and be cool and functional.  I need to learn to love me and who I already am.  It’s hard to shed your skin and put your bones into everything but if you do, you can’t seem to stop it and you shouldn’t regret it, you should embrace it.  You need to let yourself be yourself and be OK with that.

So right now, at this moment, somehow Eden has made me feel better about just being me…..AGAIN!

I sure hope Eden is feeling better today too.

Books I'm Reading

I already started this book and so far it has given me some good stuff to consider.  It's about the unfinished business of your childhood.  I am looking forward to reading more.

A friend recommended this book and she says it is working for her.

She has read most of it and implemented the techniques and they are helping.  

I can't wait to read it!