After some shopping and thinking, we decided to order a diamond on line. They are just priced so much better. I did not however, want to get an entire ring on line. I feel that you just can’t tell what they are going to really look like from a flat picture on a computer screen. I really want a ring that does not sit high so that I can wear it all the time and it won’t bother me by being bulky and obtrusive. I don’t want a big; hey look at me, kind of ring. I want something nice, simple and unique…..something that will be practical to wear from now on…..FOREVER. Something I can throw my cycling, weight lifting, or winter running gloves on over.
BD was advised that I wanted a diamond of average quality (no need to splurge on a perfect diamond that I probably won’t keep clean for more than a few months) and at least .50 carats in size, but not more than .75 in size. I found a setting I loved at the local Hurst Jewelers but it had a very poor, overpriced, .50 carat diamond that I did not want. The sales person advised me that it would be fine to get my own rock and have a ring made like the one I loved but with my own nicer stone.
So, BD got on line and bought the diamond. It took a very long week to arrive. The waiting was killing me. And, I knew once it got here, then I would just have to ship it off again to have the ring made.
On Thursday, last night, it arrived and I braved the rain to pick it up at the Fed Ex depot. I took it home and we looked it over. It was pretty and very sparkly and a bit bigger than I expected. Turns out, he ordered a .80 diamond; no, I guess he is not good at following directions. Then he asked me if I could see anything wrong with it. All I could see was that it was a bit yellow. Sure enough, he ordered a J colored ring, which are a bit yellow. And, in our living room with the gold walls and tan carpet it looked really yellow. Now I was a bit worried. It is bigger and the color was off enough for an armature like me to notice. I had wanted a G or H color…….I should have told him that specifically. On the bright side, I am sure he got a good price on it.
He said we could get a better one if I really wanted to. I fretted all night, maybe even a bit more about the size than the color. Today at work, I looked at it again and decided it did not look so yellow in the florescent light and away from the gold walls. Later at the jeweler, the color looked fine too. So all concern about the color are now gone.
However, size is still a BIG concern. The setting I love may look massive on a bigger diamond. It may sit up so high that I hate it. Worried, I am worried. I went ahead and ordered it. I should get a quote early next week and then hopefully a ring soon after. One lady that worked there told me 2-4 weeks to get it back, but the lady today, who seemed to be in charge, said it would take “no time at all”. God I hope so.
I can’t wait to wear it. I am like a drug addict looking forward to my fix. I want to put it on and wear it from now on. I want to be with BD for the rest of my life. I want to have a boring married life for the rest of my life. I crave that stability. I never want to be alone again. I hate it so much.
I vow not to wake up at 3 am tonight and worry about it. I am sure it will be fine, and if it is not, we can get a different setting. It is only money at this point……..which in the scheme of things is nothing.
Chances are I will love it. God knows I have spent a lot of time in the last month deciding what I wanted.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Nature and being faithfull
I just read an article about how it is against nature for a man to be faithful to just one woman. Now I am feeling sick and insecure. I understand all the nature stuff and biological urges and I believe it, so then there is no hope……my fiancé will cheat on me; it is pretty much a done deal. This man is sexual…..he likes sex…….he has sex almost every day. If I am not available for sex, he “takes care of business” on his own. I really can’t imagine that he will never have sex with anyone other than me for the rest of his life. He is just too sexual and too attractive for that to work out for me. And I hate it! And I know worrying about it won’t change the ultimate outcome. It will either happen or it won’t and no matter how much I worry, or try and prevent it, or hope for the best.……it will not matter. It will either happen or it won’t.
I know I must trust him and believe in him and love him with all my heart. It is the only thing I can do because I can’t predict the future or even control it so all I can do now is live my life with the best intentions and the highest expectation. Easier said than done. At least I know the goal I am striving for………
I know I must trust him and believe in him and love him with all my heart. It is the only thing I can do because I can’t predict the future or even control it so all I can do now is live my life with the best intentions and the highest expectation. Easier said than done. At least I know the goal I am striving for………
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A turn for the Better
This weekend, we went to a friend’s wedding in Kansas City. While we were at the wedding, I can’t say that BD was romantic or excessively loving, but he was friendly, attentive and we had a nice time. Often, at these types of things, he stands far from me and makes me feel that he is dissociating himself from me. He was not like that at all which made me feel good.
After the wedding, we went back to his parent’s house to pick up the baby and visit. He suggested that I go ring shopping at the big KC stores and leave him with his folks so he could tell them we are planning on getting married. Well, I thought that was an excellent idea of course.
Shopping was interesting, but that is a story for another day. When I returned to the house a few hours later, I was braced for a letdown. It is sad to say that I left figuring he still may not tell them and that I may end disappointed again. You know, it really is wrong that I have so little faith that he loves me and wants to marry me. I can only guess as to why that is……but it is surely a combination of factors. I think party due to my insecurities and past experiences with people misleading me. Partly because of how our relationship started and maybe mostly because he is just not an emotional, expressive person. He grew up in a house were people didn’t hug much or say I love you.
When I pulled up Grandpa was in the driveway and he said hello to me and made some chit chat. I walked over by him and then he said…….. “I heard the good news that you will officially be part of the family!” He sounded genuinely thrilled and I was so happy I could bust. I threw my arms around the man that NEVER hugs anyone and hugged him good and he hugged back! It was the highlight of my week or maybe even the whole month. I was so thrilled, I felt a bit blurry!
I suppose I am still afloat with joy at this point. The week has been good. We are shopping for rings and getting along well. Things are great. I wish they could be like this always, but I know he is not that “even”. But I can live with it if I understand it.
I keep telling myself that the next time he is in a blue (or black) mood; I need to just not worry about it and understand that it will pass. His moods are not always my fault and I need to stop letting him bring me down when he is grumpy. I need to keep my head high and know that he will return and all will be fine again as it always is.
And, should he get depressed and hard to live with for too long, I am confident that he can go back on meds and he will be fine. He told me they have worked in the past and he would be happy to get them if he gets too depressive. I am happy that he has this simple solution to fall back on.
I, am unfortunately, not as lucky as he is. In the past, when I was having a hard time with life and feeling depressive, medication has not helped a bit. In fact, I think it only made me worse and worse. The more they tried to fix me the more broke I became. It was an awful experience and I really wish I could go back and re-do those years. The lost years…..I may call them that. They were dark and sad and things did not get better until I canned the psychiatrist and the therapist and quit turning to “professionals” for help. I quite the meds and then, slowly but surely my life got better. But it was a slow long process. The professionals were a joke, at least to me, at that point in my life. Don’t get me wrong, they are good for some things and some people, but it depends on the circumstances
After the wedding, we went back to his parent’s house to pick up the baby and visit. He suggested that I go ring shopping at the big KC stores and leave him with his folks so he could tell them we are planning on getting married. Well, I thought that was an excellent idea of course.
Shopping was interesting, but that is a story for another day. When I returned to the house a few hours later, I was braced for a letdown. It is sad to say that I left figuring he still may not tell them and that I may end disappointed again. You know, it really is wrong that I have so little faith that he loves me and wants to marry me. I can only guess as to why that is……but it is surely a combination of factors. I think party due to my insecurities and past experiences with people misleading me. Partly because of how our relationship started and maybe mostly because he is just not an emotional, expressive person. He grew up in a house were people didn’t hug much or say I love you.
When I pulled up Grandpa was in the driveway and he said hello to me and made some chit chat. I walked over by him and then he said…….. “I heard the good news that you will officially be part of the family!” He sounded genuinely thrilled and I was so happy I could bust. I threw my arms around the man that NEVER hugs anyone and hugged him good and he hugged back! It was the highlight of my week or maybe even the whole month. I was so thrilled, I felt a bit blurry!
I suppose I am still afloat with joy at this point. The week has been good. We are shopping for rings and getting along well. Things are great. I wish they could be like this always, but I know he is not that “even”. But I can live with it if I understand it.
I keep telling myself that the next time he is in a blue (or black) mood; I need to just not worry about it and understand that it will pass. His moods are not always my fault and I need to stop letting him bring me down when he is grumpy. I need to keep my head high and know that he will return and all will be fine again as it always is.
And, should he get depressed and hard to live with for too long, I am confident that he can go back on meds and he will be fine. He told me they have worked in the past and he would be happy to get them if he gets too depressive. I am happy that he has this simple solution to fall back on.
I, am unfortunately, not as lucky as he is. In the past, when I was having a hard time with life and feeling depressive, medication has not helped a bit. In fact, I think it only made me worse and worse. The more they tried to fix me the more broke I became. It was an awful experience and I really wish I could go back and re-do those years. The lost years…..I may call them that. They were dark and sad and things did not get better until I canned the psychiatrist and the therapist and quit turning to “professionals” for help. I quite the meds and then, slowly but surely my life got better. But it was a slow long process. The professionals were a joke, at least to me, at that point in my life. Don’t get me wrong, they are good for some things and some people, but it depends on the circumstances
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Diet Plan to Supplement Yesterdays rant
When I am at work, I try to stick to this diet plan. In general this is what I have used for years as a way to track my eating or at least keep my weight under control.
Anyone can do this and it won't take a lot of time or effort. The biggest thing is to learn the calorie count (approx) of the things you eat the most and then keep track of what you eat so you know how many calories you eat a day. Then, with some time you can learn how many calories you need to eat to gain or lose weight. Just knowing yourself helps a lot. I know I can eat about 2000 calories per day and NOT gain weight. I know I will lose if I eat less than 2000.
If you were to follow this diet, I can pretty much guarantee you will lose weight. If you don't, you have a freaky slow metabolism and that just sucks and you will have to make your total daily calorie allowance lower.
click on this and it will enlarge so you can read it
If you were to follow this diet, I can pretty much guarantee you will lose weight. If you don't, you have a freaky slow metabolism and that just sucks and you will have to make your total daily calorie allowance lower.
click on this and it will enlarge so you can read it
On weekends, I pretty much eat what ever I want...and I drink a lot of beer. I am not one to suffer and deny myself all the things I love. I just give and take here and there. If I have biscuits and gravy for breakfast I eat a very light lunch to make up for it. Seriously, anyone can do this.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
One of my biggest pet peeves
I get so tired of people wining about how they can’t lose weight because they don’t have time to work out! Or, they will never weigh what they did when they were 25 because they are older now.
BULL SHIT!
For the record I want to say:
1) You should not weigh any more just because you are older. It is possible and actually it should be everyone goal to not be fat at any age. Being old does not make fat ok or expected. It is not a natural consequence of aging. If you were not overweight at 25 years old than there is NO reason you should not weigh the same at 40 or 50 or even 60. (I personally, have been around 125 pounds since I was 12 years old……that’s right……I weigh the same at 44 that I did at 12 years old and I have given birth to 4 children and I don’t live at the gym…….I even have a desk job.)
2) You don’t lose weight by exercising……you lose weight by burning more calories than you eat. Working out is the hard way to accomplish this equation. The easy way is to EAT LESS!!! Why is this such a hard concept for people I have no idea. Anyone can eat less and lose weight. You can do this fast or slow it is up to you. Want to lose weight without suffering, just cut back on a few items. Take 100 calories out of each of your 3 meals. That is 300 less per day. You will lose weight over time for sure. Want to lose weight fast……..only eat 1000 – 1500 cal per day and I guarantee you will lose weight….pounds per week. I know it’s not fun, but it works and you never have to go to a gym or lift a weight or buy running shoes. JUST EAT LESS!!
You may want to work out anyway though. There are many good reasons to exercise with weight loss not being one of them. There are things like bone density, cardio health, firm muscles, not wanting to have your arms swing when you wave. It is nice to be able to walk your kids all over the Zoo for the day and not get sore. It is nice to be able to go skiing for vacation. (Seriously if you are not in pretty good shape, skiing is VERY hard and no fun after the first ½ a day.)
Basically, your body (and brain) is a “use it or lose it” kind of thing. So, if you want to be active and healthy and feel good at any age, you need to move and work out in some fashion. You should find a way to make it fun. Play basketball, buy a bike, and join a group if you want it to be social. I run with a bunch of people and it is fun. Running alone is kind of boring and I would never keep at it very long if I was always running alone.
Stop making excuses people. You get one body to last your whole life........take care of it.
BULL SHIT!
For the record I want to say:
1) You should not weigh any more just because you are older. It is possible and actually it should be everyone goal to not be fat at any age. Being old does not make fat ok or expected. It is not a natural consequence of aging. If you were not overweight at 25 years old than there is NO reason you should not weigh the same at 40 or 50 or even 60. (I personally, have been around 125 pounds since I was 12 years old……that’s right……I weigh the same at 44 that I did at 12 years old and I have given birth to 4 children and I don’t live at the gym…….I even have a desk job.)
2) You don’t lose weight by exercising……you lose weight by burning more calories than you eat. Working out is the hard way to accomplish this equation. The easy way is to EAT LESS!!! Why is this such a hard concept for people I have no idea. Anyone can eat less and lose weight. You can do this fast or slow it is up to you. Want to lose weight without suffering, just cut back on a few items. Take 100 calories out of each of your 3 meals. That is 300 less per day. You will lose weight over time for sure. Want to lose weight fast……..only eat 1000 – 1500 cal per day and I guarantee you will lose weight….pounds per week. I know it’s not fun, but it works and you never have to go to a gym or lift a weight or buy running shoes. JUST EAT LESS!!
You may want to work out anyway though. There are many good reasons to exercise with weight loss not being one of them. There are things like bone density, cardio health, firm muscles, not wanting to have your arms swing when you wave. It is nice to be able to walk your kids all over the Zoo for the day and not get sore. It is nice to be able to go skiing for vacation. (Seriously if you are not in pretty good shape, skiing is VERY hard and no fun after the first ½ a day.)
Basically, your body (and brain) is a “use it or lose it” kind of thing. So, if you want to be active and healthy and feel good at any age, you need to move and work out in some fashion. You should find a way to make it fun. Play basketball, buy a bike, and join a group if you want it to be social. I run with a bunch of people and it is fun. Running alone is kind of boring and I would never keep at it very long if I was always running alone.
Stop making excuses people. You get one body to last your whole life........take care of it.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I've landed
Here is where my brain is at and where I have come to stand on the whole getting married thing. Basically, if he won't tell his parents or go ring shopping, we are not engaged and we are not working towards getting engaged as far as I am concerned. I have decided to just forget the whole thing ever happened.
Besides, getting married is supposed to be a romantic and happy occasion. I know that our relationship is not based on such ideas. I can pretty much guarantee that should we try and cobble together a wedding, I would be disappointed with the whole thing. So really, why bother.
Our relationship is based on need, convenience, practical things.......not romance or joy or even love. Therefore it is probably best that I put the whole wedding idea out of my head.
Now, a legal contract or something may be a good idea.......so I have the legal rights I should have given that we do have a child together.
Besides, getting married is supposed to be a romantic and happy occasion. I know that our relationship is not based on such ideas. I can pretty much guarantee that should we try and cobble together a wedding, I would be disappointed with the whole thing. So really, why bother.
Our relationship is based on need, convenience, practical things.......not romance or joy or even love. Therefore it is probably best that I put the whole wedding idea out of my head.
Now, a legal contract or something may be a good idea.......so I have the legal rights I should have given that we do have a child together.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
So....Are we getting hitched or not?
So Beanies father and I sat down a few weeks ago and had a long talk (Friday July 24th to be exact). We drank some wine and had a nice meal and discussed marriage. He told me that if it was important to me that we get married then we should. He made it clear that he did not care if we got married and that it was not important to him. He said it is just a legal contract for the government and not a true commitment between two people. Now, when I first met this man, he made it quite clear that he was shopping for a new wife (his last one ran off with her boss) so he could start a new family. He told me he very much wanted a family and kids. He never bad talked marriage back then….he just said that he and his ex were just a bad match so it was Ok that she left and he would be smarter picking the next wife.
The night we had the talk I was so excited. I felt like “finally, he is there……he is committed to me and Bean!” I really felt he and I had an honest and open talk and that we had reached an agreement. We would get married because that is what I wanted and he wanted me to be happy. We would be a family now and for always. I was overjoyed. I have wanted this for years. I was pissed right from the start when he did not “do the right thing” and marry me when we found out I was pregnant. I guess I am old fashioned, but I still think if a guy fucks you he should be prepared to marry you should he “have” to. And if does not want to take that risk he should be damn certain you won’t get pregnant (condom or snipped or whatever) or he should not be sticking his dick in there.
Well, of course, getting engaged can’t be that simple. Ever since that night, he has been sending me mixed messages and making me feel crappy about the whole deal. And worst of all, a girl should be happy and excited when her sweetheart proposes. It should be a joyous event. But somehow, BD manages to make it all full of crap………like he always does. This is how my life goes…….it has to be complicated no matter what I do.
The first load of crap went like this:
That Friday night, I told him I thought his parents would be happy if we got married. He said “I don’t know”. I said he should discuss it with them. I knew if we were going to get married he needed to tell them and I knew that asking them what they thought would be a perfect introduction to that conversation. So, he was at their house all weekend and NEVER brought it up. When I asked him why, he said he was feeling pressured since I had already told people and it got back to him and that I had sent him a text message. Now really……..we have been together for over 3 years now and we have a 2 year old daughter……….how hard is it for this man to get his head around us getting married!!!
I told him to piss off and that the whole thing was fucking stupid. He then took a great deal of time and effort to sooth me and make me feel good again. He promised to talk to his parents the next time he saw them, which was to be August 3rd. He told me we were certainly engaged, but that we needed to get a ring and “do it right”.
Sunday afternoon, we were bored and had nothing to do. I suggested we go to the mall and look at rings. He knew I had been looking at them…..it was no secret. I had already spotted a few I was interested in and wanted to show him and get his opinion. (Secretly hoping if he really liked one of them we could buy it and I would have a partial commitment on my hand all the time. J) His response was “no……I thought we were taking this slow and easy”. What the fuck!! Here we go again……..more resistance. I just shut down. I give up. What am I supposed to do? Nothing I guess. I will just hang around and see if he ever feels like taking another step in that direction. But really, why say “YES” and then not want to do anything else. He should have just fucking said “NO” if that is what he really wanted.
I could not sleep Sunday night and finally at 4 am I got up and went for an 8 mile run. At least I was not wallowing in sadness all around the house. (Which I think is unattractive and I don’t want to do, but shit, I am sad and I am sick of the games and how my life always unfolds.)
As I was running I kept thinking. It boils down to 3 choices: 1) I just go with the flow and let him call the shots and do my best not to care how it all works out (this is what I have been doing for years now it is not easy). 2) I demand he marry me or else...... I know the man well enough to know this option is not a smart one. 3) I face the fact that he is just using me and leave him in hopes of finding a person that really loves me to spend the rest of my life with. I think if I really want to get married and he does not, then he is not the one for me……simple…….really.
Well, all three of these options suck!!! I am in a lose-lose situation AGAIN. I had been “single” for a few years before hooking up with BD and I’m telling you, being over 40 and looking for a mate is total crap. There are NO decent single men left at my age. If they are worth a shit they are married or at least taken in some fashion. The ones that are left, are left over for a reason; total losers for the most part……not somebody I would want to put up with for sure.
So my options really are A) be alone or B) do whatever BD wants……since he is in charge.
I don’t want to be alone…….I HATE BEING ALONE!!!!
Yesterday I told him he should have said NO if he did not really want to get married. He told me he does, but he wants to take it slow. Up until 2 weeks ago (according to him) he had not given marriage a thought and now all of a sudden I expect him to be 100% GO. He says he needs more time to adjust and get used to the idea. He is stalling……..don’t you think? Or am really just pushing too much? Probably some of both.
This is why I am crazy!
The night we had the talk I was so excited. I felt like “finally, he is there……he is committed to me and Bean!” I really felt he and I had an honest and open talk and that we had reached an agreement. We would get married because that is what I wanted and he wanted me to be happy. We would be a family now and for always. I was overjoyed. I have wanted this for years. I was pissed right from the start when he did not “do the right thing” and marry me when we found out I was pregnant. I guess I am old fashioned, but I still think if a guy fucks you he should be prepared to marry you should he “have” to. And if does not want to take that risk he should be damn certain you won’t get pregnant (condom or snipped or whatever) or he should not be sticking his dick in there.
Well, of course, getting engaged can’t be that simple. Ever since that night, he has been sending me mixed messages and making me feel crappy about the whole deal. And worst of all, a girl should be happy and excited when her sweetheart proposes. It should be a joyous event. But somehow, BD manages to make it all full of crap………like he always does. This is how my life goes…….it has to be complicated no matter what I do.
The first load of crap went like this:
That Friday night, I told him I thought his parents would be happy if we got married. He said “I don’t know”. I said he should discuss it with them. I knew if we were going to get married he needed to tell them and I knew that asking them what they thought would be a perfect introduction to that conversation. So, he was at their house all weekend and NEVER brought it up. When I asked him why, he said he was feeling pressured since I had already told people and it got back to him and that I had sent him a text message. Now really……..we have been together for over 3 years now and we have a 2 year old daughter……….how hard is it for this man to get his head around us getting married!!!
I told him to piss off and that the whole thing was fucking stupid. He then took a great deal of time and effort to sooth me and make me feel good again. He promised to talk to his parents the next time he saw them, which was to be August 3rd. He told me we were certainly engaged, but that we needed to get a ring and “do it right”.
Sunday afternoon, we were bored and had nothing to do. I suggested we go to the mall and look at rings. He knew I had been looking at them…..it was no secret. I had already spotted a few I was interested in and wanted to show him and get his opinion. (Secretly hoping if he really liked one of them we could buy it and I would have a partial commitment on my hand all the time. J) His response was “no……I thought we were taking this slow and easy”. What the fuck!! Here we go again……..more resistance. I just shut down. I give up. What am I supposed to do? Nothing I guess. I will just hang around and see if he ever feels like taking another step in that direction. But really, why say “YES” and then not want to do anything else. He should have just fucking said “NO” if that is what he really wanted.
I could not sleep Sunday night and finally at 4 am I got up and went for an 8 mile run. At least I was not wallowing in sadness all around the house. (Which I think is unattractive and I don’t want to do, but shit, I am sad and I am sick of the games and how my life always unfolds.)
As I was running I kept thinking. It boils down to 3 choices: 1) I just go with the flow and let him call the shots and do my best not to care how it all works out (this is what I have been doing for years now it is not easy). 2) I demand he marry me or else...... I know the man well enough to know this option is not a smart one. 3) I face the fact that he is just using me and leave him in hopes of finding a person that really loves me to spend the rest of my life with. I think if I really want to get married and he does not, then he is not the one for me……simple…….really.
Well, all three of these options suck!!! I am in a lose-lose situation AGAIN. I had been “single” for a few years before hooking up with BD and I’m telling you, being over 40 and looking for a mate is total crap. There are NO decent single men left at my age. If they are worth a shit they are married or at least taken in some fashion. The ones that are left, are left over for a reason; total losers for the most part……not somebody I would want to put up with for sure.
So my options really are A) be alone or B) do whatever BD wants……since he is in charge.
I don’t want to be alone…….I HATE BEING ALONE!!!!
Yesterday I told him he should have said NO if he did not really want to get married. He told me he does, but he wants to take it slow. Up until 2 weeks ago (according to him) he had not given marriage a thought and now all of a sudden I expect him to be 100% GO. He says he needs more time to adjust and get used to the idea. He is stalling……..don’t you think? Or am really just pushing too much? Probably some of both.
This is why I am crazy!
Monday, August 3, 2009
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