In mid April, JDK and I had a HUGE fight. It all started when I sent him a link to this article. At the time I had decided that conflict avoidance was the root of our issues. In my mind it answered the ever lingering question of why we can't communicate properly.
This is how I had it figured out: First, he has always been loath to talk about anything personal or intimate, especially if it might bring up some strong emotions. So maybe the reason he doesn't tell me what he is really thinking is because he just wants to keep the peace. He assumes that if he expresses his feeling that it will start a fight so he just keeps his mouth shut. However, then he acts out in other ways by pouting, distancing or passive aggression. All of those things upset me and I feel that I am not allowed to explain my feelings because he HATES to talk so I keep my feelings to myself which drives me crazy so then I act out accordingly. It is not my nature to hold it all in......I like the truth at all costs.
So....He doesn't want to communicate; he makes me feel I am not allowed to communicate, therefor no one is communicating but plenty of feeling are in the air creating tons of misunderstanding and animosity.
After a while I find it harder and harder to push my feeling down and eventually I erupt and we have a fight. The fight further solidifies in his mind that communication is bad AND, on top of that, he feels wronged because he has been so "good" to me by not criticizing me for anything or airing his hurt feelings (directly). Simultaneously I am frustrated because I desperately want an open and honest relationship yet he just refuses to participate. I then feel that my attempts to communicate backfire completely and I need to try harder to shut up, pipe down and not express my feelings.
See how this can be a vicious cycle!?!?
This also gets him off the hook for many of the things he does that seem totally jerky to me; things I interpret as him not really caring for me much at all. For example, when he doesn't seem to care where I am or what I am doing or who I am with I view that as him just not caring about me or our relationship. However, in his mind maybe he feels that to ask or express concern could start a fight so he just keeps quiet. He does this to keep the peace....which is way better than doing it because he just doesn't give a fuck. (thinking back to all the time I spent with Kevin and JDK never ever seemed to mind.)
So, I find the article and I send it to him with hopes that maybe it will open his eyes to this cycle he has put us in and understand that not communicating is BAD, not good.
The next day I ask if he read it and if we can talk about the article. He says yes and then starts a huge fight. I told him more than once I didn't understand why he was being so hostile and he said "you want to fight, I'll give you a fight!!!!" I calmly told him repeatedly that he needed to re-read the article (I suspect he just read the title) and understand that I am just asking for communication. Eventually he sucked me in and we had a HUGE fight; the worst one we have ever had. It left me very shaken and really doubting everything. That night it felt like he was just out to get me which is a huge shift given his normal apathy.
After days and days of reflection I have come to the following conclusions:
1) The article isn't really the problem. He doesn't have an issue with confrontation if he feels it is in HIS best interest. However, he has decided that mostly it is in HIS best interest not to communicate, so he actively avoids it. This is done out of selfishness, not to keep the peace. Or maybe, in a way, keeping the peace is a selfish act. He just doesn't want to deal with my feelings.
2) He is a self centered, only child and it is VERY hard for him to "give" to others. I think his mind wants to be a better person but it is hard for him to fend off the selfish habits he has grown to love over the years.
3) I think he dearly loves our daughter and really wants to do what is best for her.
4) I think he loves me in his own way. He doesn't view romantic love like I do. I think he is used to me. I think after all these years I feel comfortable to him. I think he is very happy with me as long as I am agreeable and give him sex. All the other things between us seem to work pretty well. Mostly I am giving and not demanding and that satisfies him.
5) I think he likes an intact family and wants a stable happy home for all three of us. So that is good. He basically wants what I do.....at least in his mind.
6) His anger that night was an anomaly. I am not concerned that it was a glimpse into his true character.
During the fight I expressed my concern that he seems to have a lack of commitment to me...as his "spouse" (or what ever I am supposed to be). I explained the whole money for rent thing to him...I vs. Us attitude. He told me he was totally willing and happy to have a joint account like we had discussed. He said I dropped the subject and he didn't know why so he just rolled with it. (This is how lack of communication works to his advantage....if he is never clear about what he wants he can later claim I just misread him.) He said his feeling where hurt when I asked him to start paying rent.
See how this is frustrating for me? I didn't beat him over the head with the idea so now it was my idea to let it go. He takes no responsibility for how it worked out. He gets to claim he is an innocent victim.
GRRRR
He told me that he doesn't want to commit becasue I am never happy with him. That no matter what he does it doesn't make me happy. I told him that his lack of commitment is what makes me unhappy, so I guess we have a chicken and egg issue.
SO....I have set out to prove (or disprove) his theory. I have been happy and loving for the last month, with the exception of the dang dog nail issue. I have just decided to be happy with how things are because it does no one any good to be unhappy. I figure if I am happy for the next 6 months or year or whatever, he can't claim that me being unhappy is what fends him off.
I want to be happy and healthy and if he doesn't feel more committed in the next year or so I will be in a much better frame of mind to move on and look for a better situation. I will feel I gave us a real chance and it didn't work. I am not going to "play" family with him forever. It's not right or fair.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Follow up to Crabby
The next day JDK and I talked about the dog nail incident. He thought I had really over reacted so I explained that part of my reaction was frustration because I am rather sick of having to nag, for weeks, that the dog needs it's nails trimmed. All the while Olive hobbles around the house on her nails and goes CLICK CLICK CLICK on my wood floors.
He admits he doesn't want to be a pet owner and doesn't want to do it. I told him then he should take her to a groomer or vet and get it done by a professional. He should just take her regularly so we can have a house with less drama.
He agreed!
...........and then tried to delegated it to me. I told him it was his problem not mine; explaining that I don't want two dogs and didn't sign up for that and he should take care of her. He said he would take care of it....we will see what happens.
Everyone is always trying to push off their work on me. I have to say no. I am always buried in my TO DO list. I don't have time to get my own car fixed much less do everything for others.
The good news is that he was willing to discuss and problem solve. The bad news is he really was completely clueless as to why I would have been upset with him. Evidently when I remind him (calmly) over and over again it doesn't register to him that I could actually be frustrated that the issue lingers on for weeks and weeks with no resolution.
I have had this issue before. I remember distinctly, about 25 years ago, telling the older kid's dad and Friss, who was a teenager at the time, that I was sick and tired of people not listening to me or taking me seriously until I erupted in a fit of rage; that communicating in a civilized manner was just ignored by everyone. Not fair to me at all. They essentially force me to be a crazy yelling person or let them walk all over me.
The only reason JDK got the dog was because he expected Roslyn to take care of it. Then when she left, he kept the dog because it was "Beanie's" dog. That is where the problem started. He got a dog for the kid knowing full well she would not take care of it. If Roslyn was to care for it, it should have been her dog and she should have taken it with her.
My dog, which my daughter loves and plays with, is MY dog and I am responsible for her. I signed up for that when I brought her home as a puppy. I do what needs to be done for her. I do not expect other to do it for me. I trained her to be a good companion for me. I taught her to behave while I cut her toenails.
His dog has not been trained at all. She won't walk on a leash without pulling, she barks too much and she doesn't come if called, etc etc. She is a pain in the ass and is a bad influence on my dog..
He admits he doesn't want to be a pet owner and doesn't want to do it. I told him then he should take her to a groomer or vet and get it done by a professional. He should just take her regularly so we can have a house with less drama.
He agreed!
...........and then tried to delegated it to me. I told him it was his problem not mine; explaining that I don't want two dogs and didn't sign up for that and he should take care of her. He said he would take care of it....we will see what happens.
Everyone is always trying to push off their work on me. I have to say no. I am always buried in my TO DO list. I don't have time to get my own car fixed much less do everything for others.
The good news is that he was willing to discuss and problem solve. The bad news is he really was completely clueless as to why I would have been upset with him. Evidently when I remind him (calmly) over and over again it doesn't register to him that I could actually be frustrated that the issue lingers on for weeks and weeks with no resolution.
I have had this issue before. I remember distinctly, about 25 years ago, telling the older kid's dad and Friss, who was a teenager at the time, that I was sick and tired of people not listening to me or taking me seriously until I erupted in a fit of rage; that communicating in a civilized manner was just ignored by everyone. Not fair to me at all. They essentially force me to be a crazy yelling person or let them walk all over me.
The only reason JDK got the dog was because he expected Roslyn to take care of it. Then when she left, he kept the dog because it was "Beanie's" dog. That is where the problem started. He got a dog for the kid knowing full well she would not take care of it. If Roslyn was to care for it, it should have been her dog and she should have taken it with her.
My dog, which my daughter loves and plays with, is MY dog and I am responsible for her. I signed up for that when I brought her home as a puppy. I do what needs to be done for her. I do not expect other to do it for me. I trained her to be a good companion for me. I taught her to behave while I cut her toenails.
His dog has not been trained at all. She won't walk on a leash without pulling, she barks too much and she doesn't come if called, etc etc. She is a pain in the ass and is a bad influence on my dog..
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Crabby
Seems like when I am crabby I want to write a post.
Maybe it's just a way for me to release the pressure?
Isn't that what this blog is for?
Then I think to myself......... "self, don't just be bitchy over and over again on the blog, that's not cool, that's not who you are."
So, of course, I don't post.
Feeling judged is something I spend way too much energy on.
Brene Brown needs to do a Vulcan Mind Meld on me!
At this point....I am pretty sure there are very few people reading this so that is good
....or is it bad?
Maybe I overthink everything?????
**************
This morning I forced JDK to trim his dog, Olive's, toenails (after weeks of nagging and reminding...again...it's a constant and recurring issue.) They were so long that she was having problems walking on the tile floor.
As part of the process I had to hold the dog down so he could do her nails because no one trained this dog that nail trimming is a thing you have to do every month or so and they just need to comply.
I'm laying on the dog, I'm holding her feet still so he can trim, I'm wishing I had 3 hands, and I am in so much pain. I had a bike wreck about a week ago and I think I broke a rib. I'm trying to lay on this 80 lbs. dog so it will be still and it freakin' hurts LIKE HELL.
Eventually, the dog rears up in a fit of rebellion and I clamp down, trying to do my job of holding her still, and the pain in my chest is overwhelming.
I strengthen my hold on the dog and declare out-loud, cause it fucking hurts like hell, that it hurts me like hell and I am loosing my cool.
Yes, I verbalized my pain and struggle instead of just sucking it up and swallowing the pain.
So...of course, everyone is then mad at me. JDK and Beanie start hating me because, you know, I am not a constant ray of sunshine that spends all my energy being the upbeat awesome person they want me to be. You know how they deserve my unconditional love and support. How dare I not make them feel happy and supported 24/7.
Meanwhile the dog actually realizes how pissed I am and settles down a bit. GRRR
The whole thing is ridiculous. Think about it. I am on my broken rib holding down a dog for it's own good, even though it doesn't want to, making the owner be responsible even though he doesn't want to be and then they are all mad at ME because I am upset that my broken rib is retching ME with pain.
And people wonder why I am crabby.
They both left the house angry at me.
Maybe it's just a way for me to release the pressure?
Isn't that what this blog is for?
Then I think to myself......... "self, don't just be bitchy over and over again on the blog, that's not cool, that's not who you are."
So, of course, I don't post.
Feeling judged is something I spend way too much energy on.
Brene Brown needs to do a Vulcan Mind Meld on me!
At this point....I am pretty sure there are very few people reading this so that is good
....or is it bad?
Maybe I overthink everything?????
**************
This morning I forced JDK to trim his dog, Olive's, toenails (after weeks of nagging and reminding...again...it's a constant and recurring issue.) They were so long that she was having problems walking on the tile floor.
As part of the process I had to hold the dog down so he could do her nails because no one trained this dog that nail trimming is a thing you have to do every month or so and they just need to comply.
I'm laying on the dog, I'm holding her feet still so he can trim, I'm wishing I had 3 hands, and I am in so much pain. I had a bike wreck about a week ago and I think I broke a rib. I'm trying to lay on this 80 lbs. dog so it will be still and it freakin' hurts LIKE HELL.
Eventually, the dog rears up in a fit of rebellion and I clamp down, trying to do my job of holding her still, and the pain in my chest is overwhelming.
I strengthen my hold on the dog and declare out-loud, cause it fucking hurts like hell, that it hurts me like hell and I am loosing my cool.
Yes, I verbalized my pain and struggle instead of just sucking it up and swallowing the pain.
So...of course, everyone is then mad at me. JDK and Beanie start hating me because, you know, I am not a constant ray of sunshine that spends all my energy being the upbeat awesome person they want me to be. You know how they deserve my unconditional love and support. How dare I not make them feel happy and supported 24/7.
Meanwhile the dog actually realizes how pissed I am and settles down a bit. GRRR
The whole thing is ridiculous. Think about it. I am on my broken rib holding down a dog for it's own good, even though it doesn't want to, making the owner be responsible even though he doesn't want to be and then they are all mad at ME because I am upset that my broken rib is retching ME with pain.
And people wonder why I am crabby.
They both left the house angry at me.
Thursday, March 1, 2018
Greed vs Love
Early in February JDK closed on his house and walked away with over $100k in cash. I am not privy to the exact amount that he received.....I think it was more like $115-135..... at least. The point is he aint broke, not even close.
About a week later I briefly, and ever so gently, brought up the subject of him helping pay bills around here and how we might set that up. At the time he was busy or something (brushed me off?) and the discussion lasted a minute or less and resulted in nothing. I dropped it, choosing instead to give him a chance to resurrect the conversation (like a good guy), which he never did.
The month of February passed and he contributed $-0- ZERO dollars to our household. Meanwhile, I ordered some furniture for the basement (approx $800) and took the girls on a ski trip to Colorado, paid $150.00 for Beanie to join Girls On The Run AND paid all the household bills.
I had originally planned to open a new joint checking account that we would both pay into and then pay the household and kid bills out of. It was a super fair and partner-ish way to do it. I even envisioned us having a surplus to spend on fun family outings.
He never seemed to really care how it all worked out (nor want to discuss in the past year) so at some point I changed my mind and decided that really, if I am honest with myself, he isn't functioning as a spouse / partner and I need to quit treating him like one when he doesn't deserve it. It is obvious he will take advantage of me financially if he can which is a blatant demonstration of how he has no real commitment to me.
So, I tallied up what half the bills would amount to...rounded UP heavily and told him he could just pay me that amount in "rent" on the first of every month. I just emailed him today "hey, it's the first and time to pay your rent" He said he would give me a check tonight.
Am I just being petty and pissy or is this really a huge issue. I feel if he respected me and our relationship he would have volunteered to pay bills for February and been proactive in establishing the process going forward instead of just hanging back and waiting for me to make a move. RIGHT?
My new plan has me coming out ahead monetarily $.
I can justify it and not feel too guilty because: I pick up all the small expenses, I pay for all the kids clothes, etc., he doesn't pay me the child support he is court ordered to pay and he doesn't have to actually pay all the bills (physically that is) just hand me a check once a month. I do all the administrative duties so he doesn't have to. It wasn't my first choice but he twisted my arm. So...if I profit I can label this a WIN-WIN.
***************
In other news.....I lost my health insurance today. I have been busting my ass with basically 3 part time jobs just in case something like this happened. I have options but still, it sucks. Stewing on the best way to handle it.
About a week later I briefly, and ever so gently, brought up the subject of him helping pay bills around here and how we might set that up. At the time he was busy or something (brushed me off?) and the discussion lasted a minute or less and resulted in nothing. I dropped it, choosing instead to give him a chance to resurrect the conversation (like a good guy), which he never did.
The month of February passed and he contributed $-0- ZERO dollars to our household. Meanwhile, I ordered some furniture for the basement (approx $800) and took the girls on a ski trip to Colorado, paid $150.00 for Beanie to join Girls On The Run AND paid all the household bills.
I had originally planned to open a new joint checking account that we would both pay into and then pay the household and kid bills out of. It was a super fair and partner-ish way to do it. I even envisioned us having a surplus to spend on fun family outings.
He never seemed to really care how it all worked out (nor want to discuss in the past year) so at some point I changed my mind and decided that really, if I am honest with myself, he isn't functioning as a spouse / partner and I need to quit treating him like one when he doesn't deserve it. It is obvious he will take advantage of me financially if he can which is a blatant demonstration of how he has no real commitment to me.
So, I tallied up what half the bills would amount to...rounded UP heavily and told him he could just pay me that amount in "rent" on the first of every month. I just emailed him today "hey, it's the first and time to pay your rent" He said he would give me a check tonight.
Am I just being petty and pissy or is this really a huge issue. I feel if he respected me and our relationship he would have volunteered to pay bills for February and been proactive in establishing the process going forward instead of just hanging back and waiting for me to make a move. RIGHT?
My new plan has me coming out ahead monetarily $.
I can justify it and not feel too guilty because: I pick up all the small expenses, I pay for all the kids clothes, etc., he doesn't pay me the child support he is court ordered to pay and he doesn't have to actually pay all the bills (physically that is) just hand me a check once a month. I do all the administrative duties so he doesn't have to. It wasn't my first choice but he twisted my arm. So...if I profit I can label this a WIN-WIN.
***************
In other news.....I lost my health insurance today. I have been busting my ass with basically 3 part time jobs just in case something like this happened. I have options but still, it sucks. Stewing on the best way to handle it.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Valentines Day
Last weekend the weather was icy and I didn't want to drive so JDK carted to the kid to a sleepover and a birthday party Sunday afternoon. Saturday night (while the kid was at the sleepover) we stayed home and cooked together. It was good. We had a nice weekend except I ended up working 13 hours. Man I hate working on the weekends.
This morning I finally went to the doctor for my knees. I'm so glad I did. I loved the doctor that my friend recommended and I am confident we know what is wrong and what to do.
 |
| this shows that I have really good cartilage for my age! |
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| My knee caps out of alignment......and that can be fixed with P.T. |
Valentines Day was a mix. Beanie was super sweet and excited to make cards and her box for school.
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| This is the card she made me....on the fly....which basically says I'm not pregnant. LOL |
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| box for collecting cards at school...her own concept. I didn't help at all. |
Later he came up and wanted to watch TV so we turned on a very cool documentary about the National Parks. I was enjoying the show and he was watching me like a hark to see if i would fall asleep. He likes to lull me to sleep so he can go off and do something without me. I was very attune to his attempts and even asked him why he was watching me so hard, etc. He denied of course. I didn't fall asleep.
As soon as Beanie went to bed we climbed in bed where he read his tablet until he declared he was sleepy and rolled over and went fast asleep. No kiss good night...nothing romantic or fun. I sat up for a few hours fussing cause i was mad.
We had a bottle of champagne in the fridge that we had planned to open but he didn't bring it up and I didn't either. I wasn't going to push him into paying attention to me. He really didn't seem like he wanted to. Just like the old days....my boyfriend doesn't seem to really like me much. Sad
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Looking At It Another Way
Last night I went out to dinner with an old freind. We talked and talked and had the best time. It was a much needed break from my family, my job and my house.
At one point we were discussing the cold icy winter we are having and I mentioned how I always look forward to spring and then bam, my allergies kick in and I think "crap, why was I looking forward to this?". My friend laughed at this story. It is one of those ironic things we do that is certainly funny if you choose to see it that way. Then my friend says "oh oh and then as soon as your allergies pass it's 105 degrees and you're cooking to death!!"" YES!! And we both laughed out loud.
Just a few days ago I said the same thing to JDK. He gave me the "well aren't you a ray of sunshine" look. He loves to point out how I am such a negative person. But last night the same story elicited laughter. So maybe it's not me. Maybe it has something to do with the person listening!
I'm telling you, I am a fun person, when I am with fun people. However, I am not so good as to be able to lift the mood of a down room or bring some people out of a funk. I can try....but it's not my forte.
So, I need to remember, next time he starts to be down on me for not being light and fun enough, I will just keep in mind that maybe it's him not me that is the glum one.
_________________________
This morning I went and ran with my new running buddy Jamie. We are developing a good "running" friendship. She will never replace Stina (irreplaceable!) but, she might turn into a great companion for running. She is about 10 years younger than me so I am a little worried that if she gets in shape before I do I won't be able to keep up. But, for now, we are both chugging along out there and exclaiming that we WILL get back in shape!
At one point we were discussing the cold icy winter we are having and I mentioned how I always look forward to spring and then bam, my allergies kick in and I think "crap, why was I looking forward to this?". My friend laughed at this story. It is one of those ironic things we do that is certainly funny if you choose to see it that way. Then my friend says "oh oh and then as soon as your allergies pass it's 105 degrees and you're cooking to death!!"" YES!! And we both laughed out loud.
Just a few days ago I said the same thing to JDK. He gave me the "well aren't you a ray of sunshine" look. He loves to point out how I am such a negative person. But last night the same story elicited laughter. So maybe it's not me. Maybe it has something to do with the person listening!
I'm telling you, I am a fun person, when I am with fun people. However, I am not so good as to be able to lift the mood of a down room or bring some people out of a funk. I can try....but it's not my forte.
So, I need to remember, next time he starts to be down on me for not being light and fun enough, I will just keep in mind that maybe it's him not me that is the glum one.
_________________________
This morning I went and ran with my new running buddy Jamie. We are developing a good "running" friendship. She will never replace Stina (irreplaceable!) but, she might turn into a great companion for running. She is about 10 years younger than me so I am a little worried that if she gets in shape before I do I won't be able to keep up. But, for now, we are both chugging along out there and exclaiming that we WILL get back in shape!
Friday, February 9, 2018
Communication and Moods
This house suffers from poor communication and way too many crappy moods.
I desperately want to fix both of these problems. It is NO FUN to live like this. If JDK isn't grumpy then Beanie is. I try to keep my chin up and be positive but when the kid is being a total ass it is hard not to get aggravated.
Im going to start logging the ups and down so I have a record of what is really going on.
This morning (before Beanie was awake) JDK and I sat in bed and talked about what we wanted to do today and this weekend. It was GOOD communication and made me feel happy.
Then Bean got up and was in a decent mood until her father told her that bread and cheese wasn't a great idea for breakfast. She pushed and he finally gave in but then she said she didn't want breakfast and wallowed on the floor and balked at getting ready for school until the very last minute. She actively bitched and tried to push our buttons. SO FRUSTRATING.
I feel that she acts like this most of the time. Maybe I can find a pattern if I keep this log.
So this morning.....some good and some bad.
Now, I have to work!
I desperately want to fix both of these problems. It is NO FUN to live like this. If JDK isn't grumpy then Beanie is. I try to keep my chin up and be positive but when the kid is being a total ass it is hard not to get aggravated.
Im going to start logging the ups and down so I have a record of what is really going on.
This morning (before Beanie was awake) JDK and I sat in bed and talked about what we wanted to do today and this weekend. It was GOOD communication and made me feel happy.
Then Bean got up and was in a decent mood until her father told her that bread and cheese wasn't a great idea for breakfast. She pushed and he finally gave in but then she said she didn't want breakfast and wallowed on the floor and balked at getting ready for school until the very last minute. She actively bitched and tried to push our buttons. SO FRUSTRATING.
I feel that she acts like this most of the time. Maybe I can find a pattern if I keep this log.
So this morning.....some good and some bad.
Now, I have to work!
Thursday, February 8, 2018
I Once Owned 20 Wooded Acres
So it finally happened. He closed on his house today at 8 am. It's gone. It feels weird.
I purchased that house, with it's woods, in the fall of 2002. I had decided to shed the house that Rocco and I had bought together and move to something nicer. I wanted a little land and a big screened in porch. I accidentally stumbled upon the 20 acres with a fairly new home (no porch) just 4 miles from town on a paved road. The house wan't my style or what I would have built but it was only 6 years old so it seemed new and fancy to me. The woods though....that was the thing. They were amazing. 20 acres of fully wooded land, on a road that was literally a tree tunnel in the spring when the trees were thick with leaves. It was my quiet paradise. It cost more than I ever dreamed of spending but they happily loaned me the money (I have excellent credit) so I threw caution to the wind and bought it.
I moved in over Thanksgiving weekend and did 95% of the moving by myself with the borrowed company minivan. It was miserable. I swore that should I ever move again I would hire movers to do it for me no matter what the cost.
I remember the first night; I laid on my mattress on the floor looking out the window at the trees and cried because I was so sad and missing Rocco. The windows didn't have curtains (they never had). The stars shone bright in the sky. I used to crack my window at night...so I could hear and feel my woods close to me.
That first winter I started making trails in the woods. I loved it. I would walk the woods and get a feel for the lay of the land and then I would plot a course that took rain drainage and tree placement into account. I would clear the trail by hand with an ax, tree trimmer and hand clippers. It was absorbing and just what I needed to funnel my grief into. I had lost my son, my grandson and my soul mate. My heart was soooo very heavy. Some days I would cry all day as I worked alone in the woods. It felts good to just pour it all out.
Some days I would wake at dawn and pull on my mud proof boots and just head out for the WHOLE day. I remember standing in MY woods and swearing I would never leave them.
--------
Flash forward to 2007 when I tried to sell the house/land. I was expecting Beanie and had moved to be with her father. I was ready to shed the responsibility of a large house on 20 acres. When i purchased it I assumed that I wouldn't be single forever and that one day a nice fellow would join me in my wooded paradise. But sadly it never happened and i wasn't up to it all on my own any more.
Unfortunately I chose to try to sell my house just as the housing bubble burst and NO ONE was buying or selling shit. Eventually JDK decided to sell his house, so we keep the house in the woods. His starter home sold fairly quickly and I found myself giving the old house in the woods a make over so we could make it into our family home.
The colors we chose went with his belongings. I was never much of a decorator. His house was red, dark green and gold. I'm not a fan of red so we used burnt orange at my house. He painted the legs of this coffee table the color i chose to match our new home. We worked hard and it looked good. We even installed curtains.
Over the next few years he made the woods his territory while I watched our little girl who didn't care to spend much time outside. I missed the woods but my heart was with my daughter now.
Last Tuesday I went and walked the woods one last time. I remembered the hours / days I had spend in them alone....with their healing power. I also remembered how JDK seemed to take them from me when he moved in. I didn't feel they were mine anymore. It sounds weird but my special place wasn't familiar to me anymore. It was still beautiful. Anselle and Brie are buried there. So many memories over so many years.
He sold his furniture with the house. He left that coffee table that he made himself (not store bought) behind. It was a such a nice sturdy piece of furniture and I really did like it. It doesn't go with our new house...and we don't have room to store it. Sometimes it's good to let go of the past even if it feels weird and kind of sad.
I purchased that house, with it's woods, in the fall of 2002. I had decided to shed the house that Rocco and I had bought together and move to something nicer. I wanted a little land and a big screened in porch. I accidentally stumbled upon the 20 acres with a fairly new home (no porch) just 4 miles from town on a paved road. The house wan't my style or what I would have built but it was only 6 years old so it seemed new and fancy to me. The woods though....that was the thing. They were amazing. 20 acres of fully wooded land, on a road that was literally a tree tunnel in the spring when the trees were thick with leaves. It was my quiet paradise. It cost more than I ever dreamed of spending but they happily loaned me the money (I have excellent credit) so I threw caution to the wind and bought it.
I moved in over Thanksgiving weekend and did 95% of the moving by myself with the borrowed company minivan. It was miserable. I swore that should I ever move again I would hire movers to do it for me no matter what the cost.
I remember the first night; I laid on my mattress on the floor looking out the window at the trees and cried because I was so sad and missing Rocco. The windows didn't have curtains (they never had). The stars shone bright in the sky. I used to crack my window at night...so I could hear and feel my woods close to me.
That first winter I started making trails in the woods. I loved it. I would walk the woods and get a feel for the lay of the land and then I would plot a course that took rain drainage and tree placement into account. I would clear the trail by hand with an ax, tree trimmer and hand clippers. It was absorbing and just what I needed to funnel my grief into. I had lost my son, my grandson and my soul mate. My heart was soooo very heavy. Some days I would cry all day as I worked alone in the woods. It felts good to just pour it all out.
Some days I would wake at dawn and pull on my mud proof boots and just head out for the WHOLE day. I remember standing in MY woods and swearing I would never leave them.
--------
Flash forward to 2007 when I tried to sell the house/land. I was expecting Beanie and had moved to be with her father. I was ready to shed the responsibility of a large house on 20 acres. When i purchased it I assumed that I wouldn't be single forever and that one day a nice fellow would join me in my wooded paradise. But sadly it never happened and i wasn't up to it all on my own any more.
Unfortunately I chose to try to sell my house just as the housing bubble burst and NO ONE was buying or selling shit. Eventually JDK decided to sell his house, so we keep the house in the woods. His starter home sold fairly quickly and I found myself giving the old house in the woods a make over so we could make it into our family home.
The colors we chose went with his belongings. I was never much of a decorator. His house was red, dark green and gold. I'm not a fan of red so we used burnt orange at my house. He painted the legs of this coffee table the color i chose to match our new home. We worked hard and it looked good. We even installed curtains.
Over the next few years he made the woods his territory while I watched our little girl who didn't care to spend much time outside. I missed the woods but my heart was with my daughter now.
Last Tuesday I went and walked the woods one last time. I remembered the hours / days I had spend in them alone....with their healing power. I also remembered how JDK seemed to take them from me when he moved in. I didn't feel they were mine anymore. It sounds weird but my special place wasn't familiar to me anymore. It was still beautiful. Anselle and Brie are buried there. So many memories over so many years.
He sold his furniture with the house. He left that coffee table that he made himself (not store bought) behind. It was a such a nice sturdy piece of furniture and I really did like it. It doesn't go with our new house...and we don't have room to store it. Sometimes it's good to let go of the past even if it feels weird and kind of sad.
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Sleep In Peace Tikka
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| See how pretty and sweet my baby rat is! |
This morning I said goodbye to my baby Tikka. She was such a good little rat. Always friendly and happy. We got her around Christmas 2 years ago because we already had Brie (see picture below) and rats are social animals and I wanted them to be happy.
When we got them they were supposed to be Beanie's pets and she was supposed to take care of them and play with them, but as children do, her interest faded quickly and I was the one who feed them and let them out of their cage to explore. They would always find Beanie on the couch and climb on her and she didn't like it. I always enjoyed their company, passing them snacks to run back to their cage and stash for later. Rats love to scavenge for food. Ha - Imagine that!
Early last spring Brie passed away. She was always a little "off" from the time we got her. It think she was handicapped. Once she was full grown her head had a funny tilt and was less active than Tikka. Daddy buried her on his land at his house.
Tikka soldiered on but was lonely and i knew it. It wasn't too long before Tikka got an ugly rash on her side. I watched it, hoping it would go away on its own but it didn't. Eventually it spread and so I took her to the vet. We treated her for mites/parasites but her skin still didn't clear up. The vet said she was chewing and scratching on herself so it was all self inflicted wounds. At times she would bleed and it was so sad. Then she got a tumor on her chest. The vet said she was not in good enough health to operate. We tried antibiotics to get he skin fixed and it didn't work. In the long run she was suffering so we had to put her to sleep.
Rest in Peace baby Tikka. We loved you so much.
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| Tikka and Brie |
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Let There Be Light
At my age you start to get fussy about having good lighting. You want to be able to see shit and your eyes aren't as sharp as they used to be so good light makes a huge difference.
One of my favorite things about this house is the under cabinet lighting. (I know I have mentioned it before.) It's awesome....I will never live without it again.
However, it has been a never ending project to keep the light bulbs in those under cabinet lights all on. Seems one burns out every few weeks....and I hear they aren't cheap. (Kevin used to be in charge of the light bulbs and now JDK is.)
JDK is a smart guy and he is a huge fan of LED lights. Evidently they are expensive to buy but they use very little energy and last forever. So instead of paying for new bulbs and electricity you pay up front for the LED bulb and then forgetaboutit.
So....my sweet "husband" JDK changed all the bulbs in the under cabinet lights to LED. They are brighter and I can leave them on all the time and not feel bad that they cost $ or will burn out!!
This is one reason I think he is awesome!!
******
And last Tuesday I had an electrician install these bad boys in my bedroom.
When these suckers are on it is brighter than a thousand suns!!! You can find your earring in the carpet....You can sort your socks in the wee hours of the morn. Lets just say it is all the light an old hag could ever want.
One of my favorite things about this house is the under cabinet lighting. (I know I have mentioned it before.) It's awesome....I will never live without it again.
However, it has been a never ending project to keep the light bulbs in those under cabinet lights all on. Seems one burns out every few weeks....and I hear they aren't cheap. (Kevin used to be in charge of the light bulbs and now JDK is.)
JDK is a smart guy and he is a huge fan of LED lights. Evidently they are expensive to buy but they use very little energy and last forever. So instead of paying for new bulbs and electricity you pay up front for the LED bulb and then forgetaboutit.
So....my sweet "husband" JDK changed all the bulbs in the under cabinet lights to LED. They are brighter and I can leave them on all the time and not feel bad that they cost $ or will burn out!!
******
And last Tuesday I had an electrician install these bad boys in my bedroom.
 |
| new LED can lights ON |
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| new LED can lights off |
GO ME!!!
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
A Tribute to the HyVee Guy
The day after D-Day I went to the closest gas station and purchased a pack of cigarettes. I hadn't bought any in years and wasn't sure what I wanted. The guy behind the counter, a thin, rather attractive middle aged man was so very helpful and friendly. He noticed my eyes were red and swollen and considerately inquired if everything was OK. I told him I found out my boyfriend was cheating and that my life was exploding. He expressed his concern and sympathy, processed my transaction and spoke so kindly to me. He really did make me feel better. A little compassion can go such a long way.
Over the last few years he has always greeted me with a smile and friendly eyes, saying "hello darling, how may I help you?" He smiled and acted truly happy to see me. Once he gave me free cookies when I admired them at the checkout.
All this was friendly and never creepy.
On one occasion I stopped in on my way home from running. He noted our common interest and told me how he used to be a runner but suffered a horrible motorcycling accident as a young man. He literally died on the table but pulled through to thankfully survive...however he has not been able to run since due to his injuries. I was touched by his story and willingness to share.
Today I happen to run in to him at the checkout in the HyVee grocery store. He recognized me and gave me a warm hello. He told me he is moving; retiring on February 20th, that he plans to visit friends and move to Texas and take up an old hobby of competitive shooting.
I was truly sad to hear he would be leaving but so happy to hear how excited he was for his future adventures.
As I left the store I mentally noted that I must stop by and see if I can get his name and address so I can keep in touch. Maybe he is on Facebook and I can friend him. I plan to tell him how much he has actually touched my life. I hope to give him a big hug goodbye.
Some people just bring joy and light to other. He is one of those people. I feel lucky to have accidentally found myself in his aura.
Over the last few years he has always greeted me with a smile and friendly eyes, saying "hello darling, how may I help you?" He smiled and acted truly happy to see me. Once he gave me free cookies when I admired them at the checkout.
All this was friendly and never creepy.
On one occasion I stopped in on my way home from running. He noted our common interest and told me how he used to be a runner but suffered a horrible motorcycling accident as a young man. He literally died on the table but pulled through to thankfully survive...however he has not been able to run since due to his injuries. I was touched by his story and willingness to share.
Today I happen to run in to him at the checkout in the HyVee grocery store. He recognized me and gave me a warm hello. He told me he is moving; retiring on February 20th, that he plans to visit friends and move to Texas and take up an old hobby of competitive shooting.
I was truly sad to hear he would be leaving but so happy to hear how excited he was for his future adventures.
As I left the store I mentally noted that I must stop by and see if I can get his name and address so I can keep in touch. Maybe he is on Facebook and I can friend him. I plan to tell him how much he has actually touched my life. I hope to give him a big hug goodbye.
Some people just bring joy and light to other. He is one of those people. I feel lucky to have accidentally found myself in his aura.
Friday, January 12, 2018
I Guess The Sale IS On
Friday JDK got an official notice saying this is what they want fixed:
He forwarded it to me with the comment "not so bad".
Evidently you can "fix" the radon issue for about $1000 (per the real estate agent). JDK thinks he may get insurance $ to put towards the roof. I don't think he will because it is 20 years old but it's worth asking. He filed a claim. The buyers already contacted a pest company....OK...1 degree outside but whatever. We can get the rest fixed pretty easily.
So at this point I think it will sell. Maybe not by the original closing date of February 8th but it looks like it will happen. Yeah
I am so relieved. JDK is back to normal.
I guess I over reacted.
He forwarded it to me with the comment "not so bad".
Evidently you can "fix" the radon issue for about $1000 (per the real estate agent). JDK thinks he may get insurance $ to put towards the roof. I don't think he will because it is 20 years old but it's worth asking. He filed a claim. The buyers already contacted a pest company....OK...1 degree outside but whatever. We can get the rest fixed pretty easily.
So at this point I think it will sell. Maybe not by the original closing date of February 8th but it looks like it will happen. Yeah
I am so relieved. JDK is back to normal.
I guess I over reacted.
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
LOTS OF INSPECTIONS
He finally got all the house inspection reports and forwarded them to me at work today. I read through them.
Wood destroying insect inspection: They did NOT find termites but did indicate there was some issues with carpenter bees living under the deck. Well duh...the house is in the middle of the woods and bees are always trying to move in. We have treated for them in the past and I am sure it is really no big deal.
Onsite waist water system inspection: We have a lagoon for sewage. They indicated that there were some erosion issues that needed to be fixed.
The actual Home Inspection: They must have been there all day because the list of issues was very long. A few we expected, a few surprises and some that were just plain silly. The big issue was hail damage on the roof. We knew about that. Just reading the report made me feel sick to my stomach.
Radon Inspection: This is something I have never heard of before but evidently we flunked the Radon inspection big time.
I emailed him back something like "oh...now I feel sick". I never heard from him the rest of the day.
I get home before him and braced myself for him to arrive drunk, depressed and hating life because of how poorly the inspections went. I assumed he would be mulling over how much work he was going to have to do and be completely overwhelmed.
However, he walked in the house in a good mood and was all perky and friendly. It didn't take long for me to bring up the inspections and he kind of laughed and told me the house wasn't going to sell and the Radon inspection was going to be a deal breaker. I told him the Radon thing was all news to me and I have bought and sold 4 houses in my life. I truly didn't understand what it was all about...what it meant....what we should do. I wanted to discuss it and he treated me like a stupid child for not understanding the whole situation.
I got upset with him being condescending and with the shock that the whole sale could be off. I excused myself and retreated to the bedroom.
I just felt so blindsided with how it all happened...and the idea that the house sale was off made me realize how jazzed up I had become at the idea of being done with the two house payments and all the crap we have been dealing with for the last 2 years due to having two houses.
Let down and confused I cried myself to sleep.
Wood destroying insect inspection: They did NOT find termites but did indicate there was some issues with carpenter bees living under the deck. Well duh...the house is in the middle of the woods and bees are always trying to move in. We have treated for them in the past and I am sure it is really no big deal.
Onsite waist water system inspection: We have a lagoon for sewage. They indicated that there were some erosion issues that needed to be fixed.
The actual Home Inspection: They must have been there all day because the list of issues was very long. A few we expected, a few surprises and some that were just plain silly. The big issue was hail damage on the roof. We knew about that. Just reading the report made me feel sick to my stomach.
Radon Inspection: This is something I have never heard of before but evidently we flunked the Radon inspection big time.
I emailed him back something like "oh...now I feel sick". I never heard from him the rest of the day.
I get home before him and braced myself for him to arrive drunk, depressed and hating life because of how poorly the inspections went. I assumed he would be mulling over how much work he was going to have to do and be completely overwhelmed.
However, he walked in the house in a good mood and was all perky and friendly. It didn't take long for me to bring up the inspections and he kind of laughed and told me the house wasn't going to sell and the Radon inspection was going to be a deal breaker. I told him the Radon thing was all news to me and I have bought and sold 4 houses in my life. I truly didn't understand what it was all about...what it meant....what we should do. I wanted to discuss it and he treated me like a stupid child for not understanding the whole situation.
I got upset with him being condescending and with the shock that the whole sale could be off. I excused myself and retreated to the bedroom.
I just felt so blindsided with how it all happened...and the idea that the house sale was off made me realize how jazzed up I had become at the idea of being done with the two house payments and all the crap we have been dealing with for the last 2 years due to having two houses.
Let down and confused I cried myself to sleep.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Porn Addiction
I just popped into the man cave to tell JDK something and saw porn on his "training" computer. This is the one he has set up in the basement for his bicycle training. It is a computer that no one else in the house would use or mess with. So I guess the chances of my daughter seeing are low.
However, I was rather shocked. I thought he had given up the porn. He has led me to believe he gave it up. I didn't realize there was any in my house. I didn't realize that he might be watching porn when I thought he was downstairs tinkering with bikes or lifting weights.
Just when trust was starting to grow....bam....
I feel like I was just punched in the gut. It truly makes me ill at this point.
Oh I'm not some big prude. I have watched porn in my lifetime and I have enjoyed it, but he has issues. He is so preoccupied with sex. Isn't he getting a little old for this crap?
And seriously, as long as he watches porn and craves that kind of sex there is no way i will feel comfortable being a middle aged, chubby, mom having sex with him.
He always wants the light on. He always wants to watch. He never seems thrilled to be having sex (like most men do) because he is a porn addict and I am not a porn star.
The whole time we are doing "it" he is probably thinking about all the cool things he saw in his movies that he wishes i would do. Fuck that shit. I'm not going to beg to suck his cock or tell him how great it tastes.
It makes me sick. I am so sick of sex being turned into a fucked up production meant to turn men on and get men off not something that is intimate and special between two people who want to share love and closeness with each other.
However, I was rather shocked. I thought he had given up the porn. He has led me to believe he gave it up. I didn't realize there was any in my house. I didn't realize that he might be watching porn when I thought he was downstairs tinkering with bikes or lifting weights.
Just when trust was starting to grow....bam....
I feel like I was just punched in the gut. It truly makes me ill at this point.
Oh I'm not some big prude. I have watched porn in my lifetime and I have enjoyed it, but he has issues. He is so preoccupied with sex. Isn't he getting a little old for this crap?
And seriously, as long as he watches porn and craves that kind of sex there is no way i will feel comfortable being a middle aged, chubby, mom having sex with him.
He always wants the light on. He always wants to watch. He never seems thrilled to be having sex (like most men do) because he is a porn addict and I am not a porn star.
The whole time we are doing "it" he is probably thinking about all the cool things he saw in his movies that he wishes i would do. Fuck that shit. I'm not going to beg to suck his cock or tell him how great it tastes.
It makes me sick. I am so sick of sex being turned into a fucked up production meant to turn men on and get men off not something that is intimate and special between two people who want to share love and closeness with each other.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Contract
JDK finally got an offer on his house. It wasn't quite as much money as he was hoping for so of course he just had to make the comment about him "losing" money on the deal. I didn't respond. I know what he paid for the house. He's not losing money....even after the commission. No point in rehashing that crap. I just decided I was pissed and made myself scarce.
Then I decided not to care again. Whatever. Not worth getting worked up about.
Friday he was moody and distance all day. Saturday he sulked around the house. Such a familiar vibe...just like the good old days when we were married (sarcasm). He projects this attitude like he hates everyone and everything and he wants to be left alone. There is no point in trying to interact with him.
In the last 6 months he hasn't acted this way very often and if he did, it would pass within hours, or at most, a day and I could just let it slide. But after a full 24 hours of this crap I was starting to feel almost irrationally not OK with it. I dealt with this crap for years and I refuse to deal with it now.
I also know that change is hard for him and he is just stressing about getting this house sold with as little headache as possible. I get it.
He did assure me (more than once) that he wants to sell it....he wants to be rid of it.
Saturday night we had a dinner date but before we headed to the restaurant he wanted to stop by his house. When we got there he wanted me to come in the house with him but I told him I didn't want to. He got angry. I explained that the house is cold (thermostat is at 45) and that the car was warm. He was just running in to turn on the water so he would only be a few minutes. When he returned to the car I asked him why he was so mad and he explained (which is good...I'm glad he told me!) that Beanie hates going up there and complains whenever she has to and has been ZERO help in selling the house and that I am almost just as bad. He said he feels like he has no support from us and this is ALL on him.
WELL.....
I sat there and pondered how I would respond and then I decided to be perfectly honest (even though I was sure it would ruin our night out):
1) YOU told me it was your house and your money and you made it quite clear that you didn't want to commingle funds. So you told me it was all YOURS so why would I want to invest my time/energy/money in selling the house if you just plan to go off and plunk it in YOUR savings account?
2) The comments you made (more than once) last year regarding me "screwing" you over on the price of the house did nothing to motivate me to help you, especially since we are supposed to be back together.
3) We aren't married and you don't want to treat the proceeds like they are OURS. If its going to be "mine" and "yours" what did you expect?
He wants me to invest like its for "us" yet he has spent so much time and energy making it clear that he views it as "his". He didn't suddenly offer to share....nope, he plans to squirrel it all away for his future (with our without me).
On top of that, I am way busier than he is EVERY SINGLE DAY. He has a cushy, great paying job that he can come and go as he pleases and take off when ever he wants. If he needs to go work on his house he can just go. My daily duties FILL my days. I don't have that kind of spare time. I do 99% of the work around the house we live in (this happens when you work from home). I pay the cleaning lady, I do the dishes, cooking and laundry. (Hell I should have mentioned that his is my way of helping him...by taking care of us EVERY damn day.)
I did tell him that I am planning on helping with the move (which he knows). I will box, sort and sell most everything in his house before closing. I'm not being a jerk about it. I'm just not throwing myself into the situation...I'm not busting my ass to help him.
He's just a spoiled only child that wants everyone to do his bidding.
He told me repeatedly that he loves me and plans to spend the rest of his life with me, etc etc. and tried to make up as we drove to our dining local. It softened me up a lot and we just dropped the subject and had a good dinner.
Today he has been in a better mood and even apologized for being so moody and stressed.
It is so much better than it used to be. Yes, we still have our issues but at least now we can air them and move on relatively quickly. It sure feels more like a real relationship and that is a good thing.
Then I decided not to care again. Whatever. Not worth getting worked up about.
Friday he was moody and distance all day. Saturday he sulked around the house. Such a familiar vibe...just like the good old days when we were married (sarcasm). He projects this attitude like he hates everyone and everything and he wants to be left alone. There is no point in trying to interact with him.
In the last 6 months he hasn't acted this way very often and if he did, it would pass within hours, or at most, a day and I could just let it slide. But after a full 24 hours of this crap I was starting to feel almost irrationally not OK with it. I dealt with this crap for years and I refuse to deal with it now.
I also know that change is hard for him and he is just stressing about getting this house sold with as little headache as possible. I get it.
He did assure me (more than once) that he wants to sell it....he wants to be rid of it.
Saturday night we had a dinner date but before we headed to the restaurant he wanted to stop by his house. When we got there he wanted me to come in the house with him but I told him I didn't want to. He got angry. I explained that the house is cold (thermostat is at 45) and that the car was warm. He was just running in to turn on the water so he would only be a few minutes. When he returned to the car I asked him why he was so mad and he explained (which is good...I'm glad he told me!) that Beanie hates going up there and complains whenever she has to and has been ZERO help in selling the house and that I am almost just as bad. He said he feels like he has no support from us and this is ALL on him.
WELL.....
I sat there and pondered how I would respond and then I decided to be perfectly honest (even though I was sure it would ruin our night out):
1) YOU told me it was your house and your money and you made it quite clear that you didn't want to commingle funds. So you told me it was all YOURS so why would I want to invest my time/energy/money in selling the house if you just plan to go off and plunk it in YOUR savings account?
2) The comments you made (more than once) last year regarding me "screwing" you over on the price of the house did nothing to motivate me to help you, especially since we are supposed to be back together.
3) We aren't married and you don't want to treat the proceeds like they are OURS. If its going to be "mine" and "yours" what did you expect?
He wants me to invest like its for "us" yet he has spent so much time and energy making it clear that he views it as "his". He didn't suddenly offer to share....nope, he plans to squirrel it all away for his future (with our without me).
On top of that, I am way busier than he is EVERY SINGLE DAY. He has a cushy, great paying job that he can come and go as he pleases and take off when ever he wants. If he needs to go work on his house he can just go. My daily duties FILL my days. I don't have that kind of spare time. I do 99% of the work around the house we live in (this happens when you work from home). I pay the cleaning lady, I do the dishes, cooking and laundry. (Hell I should have mentioned that his is my way of helping him...by taking care of us EVERY damn day.)
I did tell him that I am planning on helping with the move (which he knows). I will box, sort and sell most everything in his house before closing. I'm not being a jerk about it. I'm just not throwing myself into the situation...I'm not busting my ass to help him.
He's just a spoiled only child that wants everyone to do his bidding.
He told me repeatedly that he loves me and plans to spend the rest of his life with me, etc etc. and tried to make up as we drove to our dining local. It softened me up a lot and we just dropped the subject and had a good dinner.
Today he has been in a better mood and even apologized for being so moody and stressed.
It is so much better than it used to be. Yes, we still have our issues but at least now we can air them and move on relatively quickly. It sure feels more like a real relationship and that is a good thing.
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