After another good night of sleep I think I actually have my head on straight and can succinctly explain why I am so upset and why I didn’t sleep well for days.
That email on Wednesday (June 24 2015) was unlike anything I have ever received / heard from you. It was the first time I ever really believed that you could give me what I need.
You have said many times “I don’t think I can give you what you need.” And I generally felt that was a bunch of crap. However, you said it more than once and over time I started to believe it….maybe it was code for “I can never really love you”?
I divorced you because I didn’t think you loved me and therefor you could NOT ever give me what I wanted because what I wanted was a REAL marriage between two people that were in love with each other and were striving to build a good life TOGETHER. I wanted to be proud of our relationship.
Instead I always felt tolerated. I always felt alone because you didn’t seem to enjoy my company. And after years of trying to figure out how to be OK with that (fixing it in myself)….I finally gave up and let myself not be OK with that. It was just too painful for me to feel unloved every day, especially with my FOO issues.
When I first read the letter Wednesday something deep inside me figured out real quick that it was a game changer (for me) and my adrenaline started to flow. My brain just felt confused as I tried to process the details of the letter. I didn’t know why I was so overwhelmed; I just knew that I felt “of my axis”.
At some point I had a VERY overwhelming urge to drive to your office and walk in and just throw my arms around you and sob as hard as I could. Again I wasn’t really sure why I felt SO strongly that I had to see you, hold you, but I did. I just felt so strongly that I HAD to be near you.
I was worried that I could be thinking wrong so I went to my class at the gym to “settle my mind”. So I stood there in Body Pump class with a room full of people (Jenna was teaching and Simon was there) but it was all a blur. My head was racing and I was trying to make sense of it all. As the class wore on I kept wanting to RUN out of the room and run to YOU. (Like in a movie or something.) Again I didn’t know exactly why. I just knew I was shaking at the proposition of getting to hold you. I didn’t finish the class….it became unbearable as I really was shaking.
For the first time ever I really, really think……..WE HAVE A CHANCE!
I called you and you didn’t really seem to want to see me so I agreed to meet you the next day. Talking to you on the phone helped me to calm down a bit and get over the strong physical desire to hold you. Well sort of.
And then, somewhere in my brain, I knew that I was fucked. That NOW it is too late. You have moved on….your GF moved in. (Knowing you and how fast she moved in….yeah….im fucked.)
My head has been awash with ideas like:
How come I didn’t fix this sooner?
Why couldn’t I have gotten him to talk when we were married?
Why did I divorce a man I love...how can I be so stupid?
I just gave her my husband!
Etc. Etc Etc.
I finally got what I wanted from you after all these years and here we sit, divorced and living with other people. My HEART. FUCKING. BREAKS!
Monday, June 29, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Feeling Better
Man....lack of sleep will jack your mind up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kevin went to play gold with a buddy. Beanie is with Aunt Lauren for the day. I just biked 23 miles and I feel so much better.
On the ride I thought of some good stuff. I even stopped a couple of times to make notes on my phone.
The overwhelming idea that is now running through my head is this:
HE DIDN'T ALLOW US TO HAVE A REAL MARRAIGE! HE WOULDN'T DO IT!
that's not my fault....that's on him. I refuse to feel guilty.
I did the best I could at the time.
The reason I am all EFFED up right now is because for the first time ever (well, except maybe our wedding day) I feel like he may actually love me. You see that changes everything in my head.
Now, while I was out cycling I kind of sifted thru all he has said and done and I am back to the idea that there is no way to tell for sure if he really loves me or not so I need to just go back to my previous thinking that he probably doesn't and all this make nice stuff is just about him getting over his guilt for what he did to me and our family. Maybe he is doing it to look good for the GF?
In the long run he is a better father now and a better person now so that is a good thing!
Sucks he couldn't do that when I lived there. But, hey, he wouldn't. NOT MY PROBLEM.
Now, I am going to go drink a beer and take a shower and do my best to not think about this crap for the rest of the day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kevin went to play gold with a buddy. Beanie is with Aunt Lauren for the day. I just biked 23 miles and I feel so much better.
On the ride I thought of some good stuff. I even stopped a couple of times to make notes on my phone.
The overwhelming idea that is now running through my head is this:
HE DIDN'T ALLOW US TO HAVE A REAL MARRAIGE! HE WOULDN'T DO IT!
that's not my fault....that's on him. I refuse to feel guilty.
I did the best I could at the time.
The reason I am all EFFED up right now is because for the first time ever (well, except maybe our wedding day) I feel like he may actually love me. You see that changes everything in my head.
Now, while I was out cycling I kind of sifted thru all he has said and done and I am back to the idea that there is no way to tell for sure if he really loves me or not so I need to just go back to my previous thinking that he probably doesn't and all this make nice stuff is just about him getting over his guilt for what he did to me and our family. Maybe he is doing it to look good for the GF?
In the long run he is a better father now and a better person now so that is a good thing!
Sucks he couldn't do that when I lived there. But, hey, he wouldn't. NOT MY PROBLEM.
Now, I am going to go drink a beer and take a shower and do my best to not think about this crap for the rest of the day.
The only thing worse than being married to a guy who doesn't love you is loving your ex husband who says he loves you but he is now living with his new GF and you are living with your boyfriend and your x wants to work on getting back together.
Here's the thing.......
If I had thought there was ANY way that he would actually be a good husband; be my friend and open up his heart to me I would have stayed and kept trying. But after 8 years together it wasn't happening and I felt like I was beating my head against a wall; that it would NEVER happen.
The duel life of being married yet feeling unwanted was killing me!
To find out now that he was capable and just not willing. To understand now that if I had threatened to divorce him and even moved out but not been with Kevin it would have been the wakeup call he needed and he would have changed! That would have fixed it! This hurts my head so badly.
To watch him over the past year consistently get better and better at caring for the others around him and giving instead of taking. He has talked to me for HOURS this week. More than he did in a year when we were married.
Now he is the man I wanted and now he is with her. I spent 8 years with this man trying my damndest to get him to treat me how he treats her and when I tell him this he says "I learned from you and I am a better person now!"
Woopty fuckin do I got to suffer for 8 years so she could get a GREAT boyfriend. FUCK I AM PISSED.
I left him because he was shitty to me. He created that I didn't.
Yet now I beat myself up and have HUGE anxiety attacks because I feel like I pissed my marriage away! Like I should have been smarter and figured this all out sooner. Like somehow I knew down deep in there was a good man but he didn't come out to see me very often and the whole marriage was painful yet why couldn't I get him out. Why didn't I figure out how to fix it before it turned into this cluster fuck we have now?
I seriously thought if I asked him for a divorce he would be happy to say goodbye. I never thought he would have fought to keep me. He now says he would have done anything to keep me.
MIND FUCK
He has spent the last year telling me he still loves me and that I am still his wife and the he wants his family back and at first I worried that if I did go back he would just go back to being the same as he was. Now I don't think he would....he has proven over time that he has changed.
Just a few weeks ago he was still begging me to come home.
I'm not going to lie to you... ....with the way he is acting now.......I want to go home!
So I told him ......and now....he tells me that we have to build a solid relationship first. That we need to figure out which way to move forward is best for everyone, blah blah blah.
So I guess I need to start doing the pick me dance?
Worst of all I have barely slept in 3 days. I am shaky and feel sick from lack of sleep.
I am sick....I am overwhelmed....I know I brought this shit on myself so add to the list. I am angry at myself.
see how no matter what I do it's all fucking wrong!?!?!?!
If I had thought there was ANY way that he would actually be a good husband; be my friend and open up his heart to me I would have stayed and kept trying. But after 8 years together it wasn't happening and I felt like I was beating my head against a wall; that it would NEVER happen.
The duel life of being married yet feeling unwanted was killing me!
To find out now that he was capable and just not willing. To understand now that if I had threatened to divorce him and even moved out but not been with Kevin it would have been the wakeup call he needed and he would have changed! That would have fixed it! This hurts my head so badly.
To watch him over the past year consistently get better and better at caring for the others around him and giving instead of taking. He has talked to me for HOURS this week. More than he did in a year when we were married.
Now he is the man I wanted and now he is with her. I spent 8 years with this man trying my damndest to get him to treat me how he treats her and when I tell him this he says "I learned from you and I am a better person now!"
Woopty fuckin do I got to suffer for 8 years so she could get a GREAT boyfriend. FUCK I AM PISSED.
I left him because he was shitty to me. He created that I didn't.
Yet now I beat myself up and have HUGE anxiety attacks because I feel like I pissed my marriage away! Like I should have been smarter and figured this all out sooner. Like somehow I knew down deep in there was a good man but he didn't come out to see me very often and the whole marriage was painful yet why couldn't I get him out. Why didn't I figure out how to fix it before it turned into this cluster fuck we have now?
I seriously thought if I asked him for a divorce he would be happy to say goodbye. I never thought he would have fought to keep me. He now says he would have done anything to keep me.
MIND FUCK
He has spent the last year telling me he still loves me and that I am still his wife and the he wants his family back and at first I worried that if I did go back he would just go back to being the same as he was. Now I don't think he would....he has proven over time that he has changed.
Just a few weeks ago he was still begging me to come home.
I'm not going to lie to you... ....with the way he is acting now.......I want to go home!
So I told him ......and now....he tells me that we have to build a solid relationship first. That we need to figure out which way to move forward is best for everyone, blah blah blah.
So I guess I need to start doing the pick me dance?
Worst of all I have barely slept in 3 days. I am shaky and feel sick from lack of sleep.
I am sick....I am overwhelmed....I know I brought this shit on myself so add to the list. I am angry at myself.
see how no matter what I do it's all fucking wrong!?!?!?!
Friday, June 26, 2015
The Email I received on Wed June 24th 2015
So Saturday (6-20-15) was a bad scene with me and the x. Monday he really wanted to talk to me about it. I was starting to feel better but called him Monday afternoon when I was good and ready to talk to him.
We talked. He said he was sorry if he upset me and that he had been sick about it. We talked for a while and he brought up trust issues and how we never trusted each other. I told him that I knew why I didn't' trust him but I had no idea why he didn't trust me. I felt like I had just handed my life (my world) over to the man from the day I got pregnant and I was really unsure as to why he didn't TRUST me in our marriage.
He was at work and claimed he couldn't get that deep into it so I suggested he send me and email explaining his thoughts. He agreed and we signed off the phone. I figured he would never send said email since he has a LONG history of not following through on my requests on anything personal involving me.
Instead, Wednesday morning I received this email:
"Trust: I don’t think I understood how trust interplayed within our relationship fully. You were always aware of your lack of trust of me. I guess my inability to open up to you fully was a function of my lack of trust with you. Part of the issue is that I don’t understand how your mind works. You make decisions that I don’t understand and then go forward with them at full tilt. For example you would often say “ I figured it all out” and attempt to operate on a new paradigm. I decided at some point the best way to deal with that was to just accept “that is how you are”. However, it made you feel very unpredictable….and to me unpredictable is hard to trust….at least completely. I guess you felt the same way about me….at least kind of. Also when you get angry your first instinct is to make threats. I have always taken those threats very seriously. Often times even when those threats were empty they very much impacted my trust….in [Bloom] speak they were “my triggers”.
I don’t think I fully understood how your ADD affects you and how it influenced our relationship. By the way, this isn’t blame and I don’t think that ADD is a bad thing and or makes you any less of a person. In a lot of ways it is what I love about your personality. I will say though that I am probably on the opposite spectrum of ADD than you. We do have very different modes of action. Some of that has to do with your ADD and my risk averse introverted nature. It probably means we are more likely to push each others “triggers”. "
Now....the first time I read this it totally freaked me out. It seemed so out in left field I was shocked. Then I read it some more and started to try to really understand where he was coming from. Then I realized that me trying to make our relationship work over the years might have seemed a bit crazy to him. I have told you before that I tried everything I could think of and that means that I might try being super sweet for a month or so and then when it netted me no positive results I would try something else. I guess I can see how that might confuse someone....right?
Anyway, the details of what happened in the past are not the problem. The problem is that he is actually thinking about this shit. That he is truly dissecting what happened in our marriage and trying to understand it. It means he gives a shit on some level and it is the first time I have ever really felt that he was making an effort to actually connect with me. This email took him time and thought and is the type of communication I have been begging for from him for YEARS!
Needless to say it threw me off. I suddenly felt like the game had changed. That the guy who was full of nice words but no follow through had actually made and effort.
I called him and he was at the office and we talked for about a half hour. We both wanted to talk more so we made an appointment to talk Thursday around noon when I got off work.
Thursday....well that was yesterday....arrived and we met to talk. Having had the chance to sit all night and think this situation through I showed up with one question in mind. "What is your goal with this? Why are you doing this?" "I mean if you are happily cohabitating with your new girlfriend then why drudge up our issues?"
His response was this: (it was verbal and not an email so I will do my best to paraphrase.)
"I feel terrible that you and I had such a long and rocky relationship and I behaved like a jerk. I want to make things better. I want everyone to be happy and in a better place. I want to be a better person to you and do what ever I can to make your life better. I still love you and I want to be closer to you. I miss you and I miss us terribly."
He apologized for so many things. He even apologized for the "fuck you" vibe! He admitted he didn't let me into his heart when we were married because he was angry and confused and just in a bad place. You know the whole "how it all started" thing.
I asked if that meant he wanted to rekindle our "love" relationship. (not sex....we were certainly not talking about sex.) He said he didn't know where our paths would lead he just knew that he needed to be closer to me and to work on our issues and try to have a good relationship with me....a real meaningful relationship....that he still loved me.
I told him that I felt he may "love" me since I am the mother of his child and all, but I felt he surely wasn't "in love" with me; AND that it is OK to love me in that way and not feel the romantic love for me....that I can totally understood that. He assured me he was still IN LOVE with me and cant stop missing me.
I asked if he and the GF were on the rocks and he assured me that she was FANTASTIC and they have never had a fight. That he is shocked at how smooth their relationship is going and that he would hate to hurt her....... but....... she was not his wife.
I left feeling more confused and more fucked up than I ever have.
We talked. He said he was sorry if he upset me and that he had been sick about it. We talked for a while and he brought up trust issues and how we never trusted each other. I told him that I knew why I didn't' trust him but I had no idea why he didn't trust me. I felt like I had just handed my life (my world) over to the man from the day I got pregnant and I was really unsure as to why he didn't TRUST me in our marriage.
He was at work and claimed he couldn't get that deep into it so I suggested he send me and email explaining his thoughts. He agreed and we signed off the phone. I figured he would never send said email since he has a LONG history of not following through on my requests on anything personal involving me.
Instead, Wednesday morning I received this email:
"Trust: I don’t think I understood how trust interplayed within our relationship fully. You were always aware of your lack of trust of me. I guess my inability to open up to you fully was a function of my lack of trust with you. Part of the issue is that I don’t understand how your mind works. You make decisions that I don’t understand and then go forward with them at full tilt. For example you would often say “ I figured it all out” and attempt to operate on a new paradigm. I decided at some point the best way to deal with that was to just accept “that is how you are”. However, it made you feel very unpredictable….and to me unpredictable is hard to trust….at least completely. I guess you felt the same way about me….at least kind of. Also when you get angry your first instinct is to make threats. I have always taken those threats very seriously. Often times even when those threats were empty they very much impacted my trust….in [Bloom] speak they were “my triggers”.
I don’t think I fully understood how your ADD affects you and how it influenced our relationship. By the way, this isn’t blame and I don’t think that ADD is a bad thing and or makes you any less of a person. In a lot of ways it is what I love about your personality. I will say though that I am probably on the opposite spectrum of ADD than you. We do have very different modes of action. Some of that has to do with your ADD and my risk averse introverted nature. It probably means we are more likely to push each others “triggers”. "
Now....the first time I read this it totally freaked me out. It seemed so out in left field I was shocked. Then I read it some more and started to try to really understand where he was coming from. Then I realized that me trying to make our relationship work over the years might have seemed a bit crazy to him. I have told you before that I tried everything I could think of and that means that I might try being super sweet for a month or so and then when it netted me no positive results I would try something else. I guess I can see how that might confuse someone....right?
Anyway, the details of what happened in the past are not the problem. The problem is that he is actually thinking about this shit. That he is truly dissecting what happened in our marriage and trying to understand it. It means he gives a shit on some level and it is the first time I have ever really felt that he was making an effort to actually connect with me. This email took him time and thought and is the type of communication I have been begging for from him for YEARS!
Needless to say it threw me off. I suddenly felt like the game had changed. That the guy who was full of nice words but no follow through had actually made and effort.
I called him and he was at the office and we talked for about a half hour. We both wanted to talk more so we made an appointment to talk Thursday around noon when I got off work.
Thursday....well that was yesterday....arrived and we met to talk. Having had the chance to sit all night and think this situation through I showed up with one question in mind. "What is your goal with this? Why are you doing this?" "I mean if you are happily cohabitating with your new girlfriend then why drudge up our issues?"
His response was this: (it was verbal and not an email so I will do my best to paraphrase.)
"I feel terrible that you and I had such a long and rocky relationship and I behaved like a jerk. I want to make things better. I want everyone to be happy and in a better place. I want to be a better person to you and do what ever I can to make your life better. I still love you and I want to be closer to you. I miss you and I miss us terribly."
He apologized for so many things. He even apologized for the "fuck you" vibe! He admitted he didn't let me into his heart when we were married because he was angry and confused and just in a bad place. You know the whole "how it all started" thing.
I asked if that meant he wanted to rekindle our "love" relationship. (not sex....we were certainly not talking about sex.) He said he didn't know where our paths would lead he just knew that he needed to be closer to me and to work on our issues and try to have a good relationship with me....a real meaningful relationship....that he still loved me.
I told him that I felt he may "love" me since I am the mother of his child and all, but I felt he surely wasn't "in love" with me; AND that it is OK to love me in that way and not feel the romantic love for me....that I can totally understood that. He assured me he was still IN LOVE with me and cant stop missing me.
I asked if he and the GF were on the rocks and he assured me that she was FANTASTIC and they have never had a fight. That he is shocked at how smooth their relationship is going and that he would hate to hurt her....... but....... she was not his wife.
I left feeling more confused and more fucked up than I ever have.
nightmare
JDK is trying very hard to be nice to me...to be close to me, to be my friend.
He is really talking to me about everything and anything.
He says he still loves me....he says he wants to work on our relationship and see where it goes.
This is a fucking nightmare and I am powerless to stop it.
FML
He is really talking to me about everything and anything.
He says he still loves me....he says he wants to work on our relationship and see where it goes.
This is a fucking nightmare and I am powerless to stop it.
FML
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Grumpy
Last week was crazy and I never got a chance to blog about it. I hate that. I actually have whole blog entries recorded into my phone voice recorder. I try to record stuff when I have an idea I want to come back to. Hopefully I can dredge some of that out later this week.
Monday (the 15th) I had a huge fight /discussion with JDK. In the long run it was productive but very draining.
Saturday I took Beanie back to his house to drop her off for fathers day and his GF unexpectedly showed up. I left as quickly as I could. Everyone was uncomfortable and unhappy that we ended up in the same place at the same time. The irony of me fleeing that house (which I bought originally) because his girlfriend showed up didn't sit well. It threw me down the rabbit hole hard.
Kevin got home late Saturday night after I had time to stew and really get myself depressed and I basically told him to leave me alone. It wasn't nice but I just needed to be alone. I was in a very shitty place mentally and didn't really want him to experience it. He was pretty pissed off.
Sunday we kind of made up. Kevin is such a nice person and he is so much more patient and giving than I am used to. I was braced for him to tell me he was done with me. Or at least to be pissed off for days and make it a huge fight that I could never live down. Instead he begged me to talk. I told him that I feel like a failure at my whole life. He was understanding and kind. I feel very lucky to have him. Not sure what would happen if I didn't.
BUT at this point EVERYTHING is confusing me and hurting me and messing with my mind!!!!
This morning Kevin was grumpy and I just HATE IT SO MUCH. And I know why I hate it so much....because it reminds me of JDK and that just sets off a chain reaction of negative feelings in me. I should have more empathy and patience but instead it just turns me off completely.
I don't act out on these feelings because I know they aren't fair but I am aware of them and very cognizant of the fact that it is a problem I need to work on.
Last night Kevin came home (at 7 pm) and was in a good mood and we had a nice evening. I was feeling better than I have in a few weeks. But then he kind of killed it this morning.
Which in turn makes me realize how much my moods are dictated by those around me. I need to have better control over my feelings and not let the feelings of those around me yank my emotions around. I need to be more emotionally independent but I don't really even know where to start.
In other news, I plan to get Ramone drug tested on Thursday. She told me she would allow me to drug test her to prove she is only using marijuana and nothing more. I hope she wasn't bluffing.
I gotta run now...working part time this week at the construction company.
Ideas I want to mull over later:
1) why can't I just stay the hell away from JDK. Intellectually I know I should emotionally I find it impossible.
2) how can I be more emotionally independent?
3) I MUST reduce the amount of negative self talk in my mind. I seriously can convince myself I am totally worthless!
Monday (the 15th) I had a huge fight /discussion with JDK. In the long run it was productive but very draining.
Saturday I took Beanie back to his house to drop her off for fathers day and his GF unexpectedly showed up. I left as quickly as I could. Everyone was uncomfortable and unhappy that we ended up in the same place at the same time. The irony of me fleeing that house (which I bought originally) because his girlfriend showed up didn't sit well. It threw me down the rabbit hole hard.
Kevin got home late Saturday night after I had time to stew and really get myself depressed and I basically told him to leave me alone. It wasn't nice but I just needed to be alone. I was in a very shitty place mentally and didn't really want him to experience it. He was pretty pissed off.
Sunday we kind of made up. Kevin is such a nice person and he is so much more patient and giving than I am used to. I was braced for him to tell me he was done with me. Or at least to be pissed off for days and make it a huge fight that I could never live down. Instead he begged me to talk. I told him that I feel like a failure at my whole life. He was understanding and kind. I feel very lucky to have him. Not sure what would happen if I didn't.
BUT at this point EVERYTHING is confusing me and hurting me and messing with my mind!!!!
This morning Kevin was grumpy and I just HATE IT SO MUCH. And I know why I hate it so much....because it reminds me of JDK and that just sets off a chain reaction of negative feelings in me. I should have more empathy and patience but instead it just turns me off completely.
I don't act out on these feelings because I know they aren't fair but I am aware of them and very cognizant of the fact that it is a problem I need to work on.
Last night Kevin came home (at 7 pm) and was in a good mood and we had a nice evening. I was feeling better than I have in a few weeks. But then he kind of killed it this morning.
Which in turn makes me realize how much my moods are dictated by those around me. I need to have better control over my feelings and not let the feelings of those around me yank my emotions around. I need to be more emotionally independent but I don't really even know where to start.
In other news, I plan to get Ramone drug tested on Thursday. She told me she would allow me to drug test her to prove she is only using marijuana and nothing more. I hope she wasn't bluffing.
I gotta run now...working part time this week at the construction company.
Ideas I want to mull over later:
1) why can't I just stay the hell away from JDK. Intellectually I know I should emotionally I find it impossible.
2) how can I be more emotionally independent?
3) I MUST reduce the amount of negative self talk in my mind. I seriously can convince myself I am totally worthless!
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Heroin
I just got home from a multisport meeting where a nice guy from Runner World Magazine gave us an entertaining speech about running and how awesome it is even if you are not that good at it. He was funny and the crowd was entertained.
After he was done speaking my police officer friend, Tater, marched up to me and rather unceremoniously told me that Dirty died from a heroin over dose. He wasn't kind. He was sort of judgmental and cold. I kind of broke down...I sobbed on his shoulder as he awkwardly patted my back. I felt unloved.
...................I don't consider him a friend anymore.
I mean I knew that it was probably drugs that killed Dirty. 27 year old kids don't just drop dead.
BUT, now, without a doubt, I know that my kids are either doing or that close to doing such drugs.
I am very upset.
I find it hard to believe that she didn't know he was doing these things. She lived with him and saw him EVERY day.
On the way home from the multisport meeting I called her brother and he promised me she's not doing heroin. I am sick to my stomach. I worry he is lying and they think they will figure it out before something bad happens to them.
I am so worried that they are doing hard drugs and this is going to get worse....not better.
I sooooo hope I am being a pessimist and this doesn't work out the way I see it going down.
please oh please let me be that crazy mom who is just doom and gloom and way out in left field!!!!!
After he was done speaking my police officer friend, Tater, marched up to me and rather unceremoniously told me that Dirty died from a heroin over dose. He wasn't kind. He was sort of judgmental and cold. I kind of broke down...I sobbed on his shoulder as he awkwardly patted my back. I felt unloved.
...................I don't consider him a friend anymore.
I mean I knew that it was probably drugs that killed Dirty. 27 year old kids don't just drop dead.
BUT, now, without a doubt, I know that my kids are either doing or that close to doing such drugs.
I am very upset.
I find it hard to believe that she didn't know he was doing these things. She lived with him and saw him EVERY day.
On the way home from the multisport meeting I called her brother and he promised me she's not doing heroin. I am sick to my stomach. I worry he is lying and they think they will figure it out before something bad happens to them.
I am so worried that they are doing hard drugs and this is going to get worse....not better.
I sooooo hope I am being a pessimist and this doesn't work out the way I see it going down.
please oh please let me be that crazy mom who is just doom and gloom and way out in left field!!!!!
Depressed
I woke up gasping for air. It was the middle of the night and my sinuses where in ruins thanks to my allergies and when I lay JUST the right way I can actually suffocate myself. I shifted my head, sniffled and snorted, and cleared my airway so I could breathe again. Then I proceeded to flopped around for at least an hour before I could get back to sleep. Not the first time this has happened either. It is always startling to wake because you are suffocating!
Sunday's motorcycle ride was VERY bad for my allergies.
Just the other night I woke up twice in the middle of the night due to hot flashes and twice because I was having a bad dream in which someone was found dead. This is why I can't watch scary movies. My brain latches on to that shit!
When I awake in the middle of the night I generally don't just drop off back to sleep. Instead I lay there and ruminate. You know....my brain.
This morning I was thinking about how Beanie didn't want to go to track night so I didn't push her but was that really the right thing to do. I hope she isn't' giving up on running again. Last time it was over a year before she would try again. She won't ride her bicycle either. I want her to learn that working hard at a goal can produce a satisfying benefit and that overcoming a challenge/fear can be rewarding. I just don't want her to grow up to be a slug.
I was also thinking about how my old employer (the construction company) recently got auditited and I know there are things that passed audit that are NOT right. It's not the scale of Enron but it is the same idea. People are cheating! It makes me wonder if anything has meaning in life? No one ever follows the rules do they?
Remember how I declaired back in January that I was going to get back in shape and be proud of myself this year. Yeah.....well that isn't happening.
Today, at the gym, I was going through the motions because it is what I should do for myself. I was thinking how much I really didn't want to be there; how I may have all this free time because I am not working but I am not enjoying anything. I know it should be no big surprise but I kind of woke up to the fact that I am just so depressed.
Most days I just do my best to accomplish what I need to do and never actually focus on why it is so hard for me right now. Fact is I am depressed and I don't really feel like doing ANYTHING! Well, expect riding the motorcycle or my bicycle and those two things shove all the bad crap in the air straight into my eyes and it takes DAYS of being in air conditioning for me to recover and in the mean time I am completely sick and miserable.
(I did allergy shots for years and the over the coutner medicines don't work for me. I have been dealing with this for 25 years and there is no good way to combat my spring allergies other than to avoid fresh air or do weekly shots which is expensive and time consumening and not an option I want to persue again.)
I told Friss how depressed I am and he suggested I go seek out some meds. I then explained to him why I don't do that. I think I covered all that in THIS POST.
In so many ways I feel that my life is good right now and I have no right to be depressed. I know I could make a long list of all the good in my life. So why the hell aren't I happy?
I want to be happy.
Sunday's motorcycle ride was VERY bad for my allergies.
Just the other night I woke up twice in the middle of the night due to hot flashes and twice because I was having a bad dream in which someone was found dead. This is why I can't watch scary movies. My brain latches on to that shit!
When I awake in the middle of the night I generally don't just drop off back to sleep. Instead I lay there and ruminate. You know....my brain.
This morning I was thinking about how Beanie didn't want to go to track night so I didn't push her but was that really the right thing to do. I hope she isn't' giving up on running again. Last time it was over a year before she would try again. She won't ride her bicycle either. I want her to learn that working hard at a goal can produce a satisfying benefit and that overcoming a challenge/fear can be rewarding. I just don't want her to grow up to be a slug.
I was also thinking about how my old employer (the construction company) recently got auditited and I know there are things that passed audit that are NOT right. It's not the scale of Enron but it is the same idea. People are cheating! It makes me wonder if anything has meaning in life? No one ever follows the rules do they?
Remember how I declaired back in January that I was going to get back in shape and be proud of myself this year. Yeah.....well that isn't happening.
Today, at the gym, I was going through the motions because it is what I should do for myself. I was thinking how much I really didn't want to be there; how I may have all this free time because I am not working but I am not enjoying anything. I know it should be no big surprise but I kind of woke up to the fact that I am just so depressed.
Most days I just do my best to accomplish what I need to do and never actually focus on why it is so hard for me right now. Fact is I am depressed and I don't really feel like doing ANYTHING! Well, expect riding the motorcycle or my bicycle and those two things shove all the bad crap in the air straight into my eyes and it takes DAYS of being in air conditioning for me to recover and in the mean time I am completely sick and miserable.
(I did allergy shots for years and the over the coutner medicines don't work for me. I have been dealing with this for 25 years and there is no good way to combat my spring allergies other than to avoid fresh air or do weekly shots which is expensive and time consumening and not an option I want to persue again.)
I told Friss how depressed I am and he suggested I go seek out some meds. I then explained to him why I don't do that. I think I covered all that in THIS POST.
In so many ways I feel that my life is good right now and I have no right to be depressed. I know I could make a long list of all the good in my life. So why the hell aren't I happy?
I want to be happy.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Sex in Your Late 40s
I have never hated and advertisement as much as I hate this one!!
>>>>Tena commercial
this one also chaps my ass >>> let's talk about your vagina on TV!
This is a post that has been knocking around in my head for a long time. I regularly spill my guts here on my blog yet somehow I am reluctant to delve into some of the particulars of sex at my age.
Part of my reluctance is grounded in how much I hate these advertisements. Some personal stuff just doesn't need to be on out there for the public!
My kid sees these!! She doesn't need to think about her mom and sex and pissing her pants! (I don't have many issues with incontinence.....except the occasional sneeze on a full bladder.)
On top of that, you ever notice the way all the actors look 39 years old with their hair died gray? I mean at least let's be realistic about what old age looks like. No wait...that's not romantic and won't sell anything. Capitalism sucks!
That all being said, if you don't want to read more about my sex life at 49 years old I don't blame you!! Stop now.....exit this screen!
If you are OK with it.............. read on.
________________
First some PERSONAL background.
I have been having (what I assume are) hot flashes for a few years now. At times I just get really freakin' hot for no reason. Especially when I am in bed. In fact 95% it only happens when I am trying to sleep. It's annoying but it's not the end of the world. Other than that I feel pretty normal.
The other day, mid hot flash, Kevin asked me how long it would last and I told him they pass in just a few minutes. He then clarified that he meant menopause, not that, particular, hot flash. I told him that I have no idea. That I wish I could ask my mom but we don't have the type of repore. I just don't feel comfortable discussing personal things with her. Never have. Hell when I first got my period (at what?... 12 years old) I didn't feel I could discuss it with her. She found the evidence and the pads appeared in my room. We didn't discuss it.
Speaking of menstruating, I haven't had a real period in so long I can't remember. Maybe it has been a about a year?
However, I have to tell you that for the most part I feel no different than I did 5 years ago. I still want sex....well to make love. I don't find it painful or undesirable. I don't have the dreaded "dryness" of the above advertisement. I crave the intimacy it provides as much as ever.
After Beanie was born I felt I lost a lot of sensitivity in my nether region and my orgasm suffered because of it but I still enjoy sex. It isn't as AMAZING as it once was but I am in no way ready to give it up!
uh-hum...Moving on then......
Kevin is basically my age and he is a bit overweight and not particularly active. I think he suffers from "low T" or low testosterone. We had fairly regular sex when we first fell in love, it was always very satisfying and fulfilling although I wouldn't call it amazing. We were very intimate and that is what it is really all about as far as I am concerned. It drew us close together.
The last time I had mind blowing sex was with Rocco. And as much as I hate to face it, I am relatively sure that it will be the best I ever had. I can't imagine that anything in my future would ever eclipse those experiences. Sadly, youth is a factor.
Since Kevin and I moved into the blue house we have had sex 3 times. I think 2 times were make up sex. (insert sad face) That is about once a month. I am NOT OK with that. It is not enough for me. I want more sex and more physical closeness!
Contrast that with my marriage to JDK when he wanted to ejaculate daily and was happy to have me facilitate. I participated for years but found it wholly unfulfilling.. It felt like a physical act with no real connection behind it. I mean it was about him getting his rocks off and had nothing to do with us actually being close to each other. I spent years having sex with no intimacy and it sucked....A LOT!
Now I rarely have sex but when I do it is certainly an act of intimacy. I am pretty sure that our sex life is now dependent on his ability to get and sustain an erection. I am sure that he would love to have a lot more sex but I believe his Lobito just isn't there anymore. I am absolutely not mad at him about this. I am just disappointed.
I have found myself looking at him and thinking to myself "GOD I love this man. He is so handsome and so sexy and I want nothing more in this world than to make passionate love to him!" I tell him I want to make love. He knows I want it and need it. Yet it doesn't happen. I am starving for it!
I'm not ready to say I am old enough to give that up. Maybe if we had been married for the last 30 years and boffed a thousand times I could be over it but I am not.
I need to make love to him!!
I still need that physical connection!
I wish he would go to the doctor and see what he can do to fix this BUT he hates to go to the doctor and avoids it at all costs. (why are men like this....so frustrating.) He hasn't seen a doctor in years, probably decades and I don't see that changing now.
Frustrated!!!!!!
>>>>Tena commercial
this one also chaps my ass >>> let's talk about your vagina on TV!
This is a post that has been knocking around in my head for a long time. I regularly spill my guts here on my blog yet somehow I am reluctant to delve into some of the particulars of sex at my age.
Part of my reluctance is grounded in how much I hate these advertisements. Some personal stuff just doesn't need to be on out there for the public!
My kid sees these!! She doesn't need to think about her mom and sex and pissing her pants! (I don't have many issues with incontinence.....except the occasional sneeze on a full bladder.)
On top of that, you ever notice the way all the actors look 39 years old with their hair died gray? I mean at least let's be realistic about what old age looks like. No wait...that's not romantic and won't sell anything. Capitalism sucks!
That all being said, if you don't want to read more about my sex life at 49 years old I don't blame you!! Stop now.....exit this screen!
If you are OK with it.............. read on.
________________
First some PERSONAL background.
I have been having (what I assume are) hot flashes for a few years now. At times I just get really freakin' hot for no reason. Especially when I am in bed. In fact 95% it only happens when I am trying to sleep. It's annoying but it's not the end of the world. Other than that I feel pretty normal.
The other day, mid hot flash, Kevin asked me how long it would last and I told him they pass in just a few minutes. He then clarified that he meant menopause, not that, particular, hot flash. I told him that I have no idea. That I wish I could ask my mom but we don't have the type of repore. I just don't feel comfortable discussing personal things with her. Never have. Hell when I first got my period (at what?... 12 years old) I didn't feel I could discuss it with her. She found the evidence and the pads appeared in my room. We didn't discuss it.
Speaking of menstruating, I haven't had a real period in so long I can't remember. Maybe it has been a about a year?
However, I have to tell you that for the most part I feel no different than I did 5 years ago. I still want sex....well to make love. I don't find it painful or undesirable. I don't have the dreaded "dryness" of the above advertisement. I crave the intimacy it provides as much as ever.
After Beanie was born I felt I lost a lot of sensitivity in my nether region and my orgasm suffered because of it but I still enjoy sex. It isn't as AMAZING as it once was but I am in no way ready to give it up!
uh-hum...Moving on then......
Kevin is basically my age and he is a bit overweight and not particularly active. I think he suffers from "low T" or low testosterone. We had fairly regular sex when we first fell in love, it was always very satisfying and fulfilling although I wouldn't call it amazing. We were very intimate and that is what it is really all about as far as I am concerned. It drew us close together.
The last time I had mind blowing sex was with Rocco. And as much as I hate to face it, I am relatively sure that it will be the best I ever had. I can't imagine that anything in my future would ever eclipse those experiences. Sadly, youth is a factor.
Since Kevin and I moved into the blue house we have had sex 3 times. I think 2 times were make up sex. (insert sad face) That is about once a month. I am NOT OK with that. It is not enough for me. I want more sex and more physical closeness!
Contrast that with my marriage to JDK when he wanted to ejaculate daily and was happy to have me facilitate. I participated for years but found it wholly unfulfilling.. It felt like a physical act with no real connection behind it. I mean it was about him getting his rocks off and had nothing to do with us actually being close to each other. I spent years having sex with no intimacy and it sucked....A LOT!
Now I rarely have sex but when I do it is certainly an act of intimacy. I am pretty sure that our sex life is now dependent on his ability to get and sustain an erection. I am sure that he would love to have a lot more sex but I believe his Lobito just isn't there anymore. I am absolutely not mad at him about this. I am just disappointed.
I have found myself looking at him and thinking to myself "GOD I love this man. He is so handsome and so sexy and I want nothing more in this world than to make passionate love to him!" I tell him I want to make love. He knows I want it and need it. Yet it doesn't happen. I am starving for it!
I'm not ready to say I am old enough to give that up. Maybe if we had been married for the last 30 years and boffed a thousand times I could be over it but I am not.
I need to make love to him!!
I still need that physical connection!
I wish he would go to the doctor and see what he can do to fix this BUT he hates to go to the doctor and avoids it at all costs. (why are men like this....so frustrating.) He hasn't seen a doctor in years, probably decades and I don't see that changing now.
Frustrated!!!!!!
Monday, June 8, 2015
My Kid Makes me Sick To My Stomach
This morning I was on my way to drop Beanie at Summer School and my phone rang. It was a strange number but I answered it anyway. It was Ramone. (The cops still have her phone so she borrowed a phone.) She was on the verge of tears because "her roommate let her dogs run away and now animal control has them and it will cost $80 to get them back and she is broke and if she doesn't get them back today it will cost more tomorrow since they charge a boarding fee for every night they stay." And today they are cremating Dirty and having a memorial service. I told her I had to get Bean to school and to call me later and I would see if I could help.
I then called Kevin to see what he thought I should do. You see, I have always told her from day ONE that she can't afford a dog and I have always been reluctant to bail her out when the dog(s) cost her money that she doesn't have thus meaning I pay for shit. For example when she had the Flea problem which her father ended up paying to fix for her. Kevin was feeling soft (for obvious reasons)and said to just pay to get her dogs for her this time and tell her never again.
I never did hear back from her so when it was convenient for me (around 1 pm) I drove over to her house to check on her. She was asleep on the couch. I asked her if she wanted to get the dogs or not....explaining that I had time now but not later. She got up and we headed to the Humane Society where they were being held.
Once there we had to wait for the Animal Control guy to show up. We talked on the ride over and while we waited. I asked her again if Dirty overdosed. She said there were no signs that it was drugs; no drugs in the house, no needles in his arm. But that they had ruled out natural causes and they were waiting on a toxicology test. So I guess he did O.D.!
I also told her that Kevin was footing this bill for her dogs since I am not working. She was grateful and I suggested we get the money from her roommate since it was his fault for letting them out. She told me the roommate wasn't really a roommate that he was just a friend passing through town and he doesn't even have a job. I told her that we call such people HOMELESS!!
She told me she was about to get evicted for not paying her rent because all her previous roommates had stiffed her for their portion of the rent. None of these people were on the lease of course.
I know that she used her birthday money to pay bills so she could keep the utilities on.
Her life is so fucked up and I just don't know what to do about it. She is 20 years old and thinks I am just a know it all bitch that is mean to her. She thinks her friends all love her and are all she has. Yet who pays to rescue her pets?!
Her car barely runs, she delivers pizza from 4 pm to 4 am to make some money. Her friends are worthless pieces of shit; who knows what kind of drugs they are doing! The only glimmer of hope I have is she is too fat to be using meth!
I then called Kevin to see what he thought I should do. You see, I have always told her from day ONE that she can't afford a dog and I have always been reluctant to bail her out when the dog(s) cost her money that she doesn't have thus meaning I pay for shit. For example when she had the Flea problem which her father ended up paying to fix for her. Kevin was feeling soft (for obvious reasons)and said to just pay to get her dogs for her this time and tell her never again.
I never did hear back from her so when it was convenient for me (around 1 pm) I drove over to her house to check on her. She was asleep on the couch. I asked her if she wanted to get the dogs or not....explaining that I had time now but not later. She got up and we headed to the Humane Society where they were being held.
Once there we had to wait for the Animal Control guy to show up. We talked on the ride over and while we waited. I asked her again if Dirty overdosed. She said there were no signs that it was drugs; no drugs in the house, no needles in his arm. But that they had ruled out natural causes and they were waiting on a toxicology test. So I guess he did O.D.!
I also told her that Kevin was footing this bill for her dogs since I am not working. She was grateful and I suggested we get the money from her roommate since it was his fault for letting them out. She told me the roommate wasn't really a roommate that he was just a friend passing through town and he doesn't even have a job. I told her that we call such people HOMELESS!!
She told me she was about to get evicted for not paying her rent because all her previous roommates had stiffed her for their portion of the rent. None of these people were on the lease of course.
I know that she used her birthday money to pay bills so she could keep the utilities on.
Her life is so fucked up and I just don't know what to do about it. She is 20 years old and thinks I am just a know it all bitch that is mean to her. She thinks her friends all love her and are all she has. Yet who pays to rescue her pets?!
Her car barely runs, she delivers pizza from 4 pm to 4 am to make some money. Her friends are worthless pieces of shit; who knows what kind of drugs they are doing! The only glimmer of hope I have is she is too fat to be using meth!
Weekend
Saturday Kevin went to help his daughter move so Beanie and I were home alone. I spent most of the morning doing some office work while Beanie happily played on her tablet.
Around noon JDK and I agreed we would take Beanie out to a flat parking lot and work on getting her to ride her bike without training wheels. I really want to be there for the occasion. I really would like to get it on video. My hopes were quickly dashed. It took her all of five minutes to decide she wasn't going to try.
Then she wanted to go swimming at the lake so that she could bring both the puppy and my dog. So....we all went to the lake. The puppy proceeded to find a safe shady spot under the dock and take a nap. My dog LOVES swimming and had a fantastic time frolicking in the water and wallowing in the sand. I was glad that everyone was happy and that Daddy was being nice.
Mid afternoon I declared that my pale skin needed to get out of the sun. JDK offered to buy us lunch so we did that. Then i wanted to check on Ramone so he offered to take me by there.
Ramone was at home with her friends. Different day same scene. She seemed OK so I gave her a hug and told her to holler if she needed me. I left her house smelling of body odor. She is a non-bathing hippie.
On the way back home we decided to swing by the local public school to check out the playground in anticipation of summer school starting on Monday. Beanie loved the playground and was absolutely gearing up to make a good impression on her new school mates she would meet at summer school...because, you know, monkey bar skills are where it's at.
Beanie keeps telling me that they don't teach you anything in summer school. To which I respond "that is fine, just go and make some new friends and have fun." She doesn't know any of the kids in the new neighborhood and I am really hoping that summer school and the neighborhood pool will help her make new friends.
All in all it was a good family day and it left me feeling fairly happy and satisfied. I think it is good if we can have a good repore.
Sunday Kevin and I did an all day motorcycle trip which was pretty fun even though it was a bit too HOT.
Last night I went to bed early because:
1) Kevin was working on his laptop.
2) I was sunburned and my allergies were kicking my ass.
3) I wanted some cuddle time with Beanie
4) I am still just a bit depressed by everything.
Around noon JDK and I agreed we would take Beanie out to a flat parking lot and work on getting her to ride her bike without training wheels. I really want to be there for the occasion. I really would like to get it on video. My hopes were quickly dashed. It took her all of five minutes to decide she wasn't going to try.
Then she wanted to go swimming at the lake so that she could bring both the puppy and my dog. So....we all went to the lake. The puppy proceeded to find a safe shady spot under the dock and take a nap. My dog LOVES swimming and had a fantastic time frolicking in the water and wallowing in the sand. I was glad that everyone was happy and that Daddy was being nice.
Mid afternoon I declared that my pale skin needed to get out of the sun. JDK offered to buy us lunch so we did that. Then i wanted to check on Ramone so he offered to take me by there.
Ramone was at home with her friends. Different day same scene. She seemed OK so I gave her a hug and told her to holler if she needed me. I left her house smelling of body odor. She is a non-bathing hippie.
On the way back home we decided to swing by the local public school to check out the playground in anticipation of summer school starting on Monday. Beanie loved the playground and was absolutely gearing up to make a good impression on her new school mates she would meet at summer school...because, you know, monkey bar skills are where it's at.
Beanie keeps telling me that they don't teach you anything in summer school. To which I respond "that is fine, just go and make some new friends and have fun." She doesn't know any of the kids in the new neighborhood and I am really hoping that summer school and the neighborhood pool will help her make new friends.
All in all it was a good family day and it left me feeling fairly happy and satisfied. I think it is good if we can have a good repore.
Sunday Kevin and I did an all day motorcycle trip which was pretty fun even though it was a bit too HOT.
Last night I went to bed early because:
1) Kevin was working on his laptop.
2) I was sunburned and my allergies were kicking my ass.
3) I wanted some cuddle time with Beanie
4) I am still just a bit depressed by everything.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Rest In Peace Dirty James
 |
| I like this one......she looks happy and he seems so sweet. |
Instead he told me that he needed my help to find Ramone because she wasn't answering her phone and he was worried about her.
Then he told me her boyfriend was dead!
I never really liked her boyfriend because he is (was) 7 years older than my daughter, was happy to live with her but not pay his share of the rent and he was always asleep in her bed (during the daytime) when I would swing by her place. He never looked me in the eyes....hell I don't know if he EVER even spoke to me. They started dating when she was still in high school and working at a sandwich shop with him. Lately she had been pretty much living at his house not hers.
I may have mentioned him on the blog before.....he goes by Dirty. (can't imagine how a guy picks up and sticks to that nickname!) I wasn't fond of him but I certainly didn't wish him dead.
Beanie and I gathered our stuff and rushed to pick up Monster. The three of us headed to Ramone's house to find her and about 20 her friends all hanging out, in shock and comforting one another. I rushed in and hugged her for a long time. We cried. I feel so bad for her, her friends and Dirty's family. He was only 27 years old! Way too young to die.
 |
| Ramone and her friends about a year ago (maybe New Years Eve?). Dirty is center in back. Ramone has on the purple crown. |
She told me that when she got home from work at about 4 am she walked into the house to find him slumped over his computer and purple. She called the police and they came and for some reason took her phone as evidence. She said she talked to Dirty on the phone not long before she got home. She told me she didn't think it was drugs. I suspected a drug overdose of course. I am sure that is what the cops thought. I have no idea what kind of drugs the kids do other than pot....I don't want to know.
 |
| Dirty and his dog. |
At around 4 am Monster was walking home from work and the cops picked him up and took him over to Dirty's house. I guess they did it just to be nice to Ramone. Then, Monster took Ramone home and spent the night (well morning) with her. He had to be at his day job at 9 am this morning so he left her home sleeping. I guess he forgot they kept her phone. For some reason the cops put the dogs in a shelter too. But Ramone got all three of them back fairly easy with no charge. She is going to keep his dog I guess. Poor puppy doesn't know her Daddy will never come home.
I hung out with her and her friends for a while and then took Monster home to sleep and then came home. I tried to get her phone for her with no luck.
I am in shock.
I can't sleep.
 |
| Just last weekend at a music festival. |
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Crazy Week
Instead, he parked and she brought him in the house to show him her room! I wasn't real keen on him coming in just yet but then again it would have been hard to stop her. Luckily Kevin wasn't home because that would have been way too much all at once! After viewing her room Beanie wanted to show him around so I gave him a quick little house tour. He gave me a bag of her school stuff he had brought home. He left and although he seemed a bit rattled I thought it went just fine. He even let me keep his favorite piece of her art work which was very nice of him.
For a long time JDK has been promising Beanie he would get her a puppy. He is not a dog person AT ALL and quite honestly I was shocked that he told her he would. But as more time passed it occurred to me that he would probably never make good on that promise. It is normal for him to say he will do something and then not follow through. Seriously, I just can't see him taking on more responsibility for anything other than himself!
BUT.....last weekend JDK presented Beanie with a German Shepherd mix puppy that Roslyn had picked out for him. Beanie is over the moon. Me, not so much. I kind of view it as JDK and Roslyn having their first child together.
I got to meet the new puppy Monday after work when I dropped Beanie off at his house. It's cute and fuzzy and has icky puppy stink-breath.
I am embarrassed to admit that the whole thing upsets me. Still haven't gotten over the pain of feeling that he is doing all the things with her that he wouldn't do for me. Not sure how I am going to get past this emotionally. I am sure you are all sick of me going on about it but hey....we all know I have issue.
But it gets worse.
Tuesday Beanie told me that Roslyn works here in town. Her house is in a town that is one hour from here. JDK had mentioned that she had switched jobs. Suddenly a lot of things started to fall into place. (Like why there were 2 coffee makers on his counter.) I texted him to confirm because sometimes the kid has her details wrong. He responded "3 days a week".
At the time the text came through I was just pulling into the car wash. I was so flustered that I accidently didn't put the car in neutral like you are supposed to and about wrecked my car. The boys working there were very pissed off at me as they had to reset the machine because it auto stops when a car jumps the tracks. I got the car lined up and as soon as my car had vanished into the soap suds and I was out of site, I started sobbing uncontrollably. It just hurts. That is all I can say is it hurts.
I cried all the way through the car wash and all the way home. I just couldn't' stop. I knew it was upsetting to Beanie. I don't think she understood why I was crying. Then Friss called me. Through my tears I told him. We talked for a bit. He was concerned. He always asks me good questions trying to make me straighten out my thinking..... but I didn't have any answers. I just felt crushed. Well I got off the phone I hugged Beanie for the next 30 minutes. I apologized for upsetting her. She apologized for telling me. I told her she didn't do anything wrong.
Tuesday night I barely slept. I just felt anxious and upset. Kevin thought it was just my allergies bothering me. They have been so terrible lately that I spent all of Monday on the couch with my eyes closed! Besides, Kevin is so preoccupied with being miserable at work he barely talks to me any more.
It's all a mess. I know it makes no sense. There is a huge disconnect between my heart and my head! Why can't I just be happy? What the hell is wrong with me?
This sucks.
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