Totally Trggered

Typing this out on the fly so my editing etc. will no doubt suck.  Plus I am not sure what I will accomplish other than to sound like a nut job.

This week my daughter doesn't have school.  Since I am now working part time and have the luxury of making my own hours I told JDK (x#2) that I would keep Beanie Monday thru Wednesday since he probably has to work.  (I don't know if he really has to work since he is such a lying fucktard.)

I did this with the hopes of making everyone happy and enjoying a stress free week of the kid being off school and me reaping the benefits of making less money than I need to live off of so I can be a better parent and not be so rushed and spread too thin.

This morning was great.  We took our time and basically wandered by the barn (office at the nursery) when we got around to it...about 10 am.    We only stayed a few hours and my daughter was super good playing with her IPad the whole time.

When I left I call JDK to make arrangements to pass the girl off since Monday nights he keeps her.  He didn't answer.  He later phoned me and acted like I had changed things up on him and he was under the impression I had planned on keeping her Monday thru Wednesday nights and all.  (BTW he has not seen her since Saturday morning and evidently was happy to not see her again until Wednesday afternoon - asshole.)

I told him that it didn't really matter to me...... that it was up to him.  He said he missed her and would be happy to get her yet he "sounded" put out.  I got off the phone and thought to myself "why aggravate myself?" and texted him back and told him I would be happy to keep her and it would be so much easier than him picking her up on the way home only to have to drop her off again in the morning.   Via text he insisted he missed her and was happy to get her.   We left it at that.  I assumed he was coming.

Well we waited and waited and he didn't show up and then we called.  He was at home.  He didn't think I wanted him to get her.  The kid was waiting and begged him to come.  He said he would be right over.  We waited some more and he finally showed up and took her away and gave me the fuck you vibe the whole time.

I just felt walked all over.  The same old shit where he "acts" all agreeable yet somehow manages to torture me mentally.  With a smile on his face and comments like "I want us all to be happy and get along" yet somehow it feels like he is just fucking with me.  He doesn't want me to be happy he wants me to leave him alone so he will be happy.

After they left I just sat and cried and then my text message lit up and it was (of all people) X#1...........Ramone and Monster's dad.  He got more bills from student loans on the boy and is freaking out.  He wants me to solve his problems.  He wants me to be the adult so he doesn't have to.  He fucking infuriates me still to this day.

On top of that, Ramone has no phone and has not had one for a month.  Last night she posted on Facebook how hard life is and how she is happy to be out of touch by not having a phone.  I am realy worried about her but not sure what to do.  She is 19 and I think this is all about her *boyfriend* who is a total loser and a jerk. 

Meanwhile Monster's car is dead and he is walking to work.  I can't afford to buy him a car and I feel bad that he has no transportation.  He's a good kid but I can't keep taking care of everyone all the time.

Oh.......and Friss, well he is awesome but he really wants one of us to come visit him.  I want to go....I want to be there for him.  Maybe Friday....I don't think anything is gong on Friday.

At work today I paid the state sales tax late.  It costs our company over $200 in late fees.  I was only 4 days late.  It was due on the 20th but I thought I had until month end.  I feel just sick about it.  We can't afford to piss away $200!

Kevin is awesome and I am heading to his house next.  He knows I am all messed up and wants me to come and talk.  I know I will feel better after I do but part of me feels too "messed up" to even go over there.  I want to hide and feel dysfunctional where no one can see me.

JDK (x#2) told me recently he is admittedly angry and depressed that Kevin and I are planning to move in together at the end of March when my lease is up.  I didn't discuss it with him, I just got a text from him.  I am sure he is just jealous that his daughter loves a man besides himself.  After all, all the love and attention should be directed at him.......right?

I wish he didn't press my buttons so much.  I still feel really fucking angry that he is acting like a victim.   He started all this shit by not wanting to be my husband even though he willingly married me.  He is the one that had to play the "you're are not the boss of me" game for our whole relationship.  I know one day he won't have the power to dissolve me like this but at this point he still does.  In fact that is probably part of why I am upset.  I really don't want him to have any power over my feelings yet he still does.  I know he is just a POS that I shouldn't have any feeling about or for.

At the end of the day I just want to feel good about the people in my life and my relationships with those around me.   It's not a lot to ask.......is it?

But right now I just want to run the fuck away from everyone!!!!!

Thanksgiving 2013

As usual we spent Thanksgiving at my husband’s parent’s house. They are nice people that mean well but of course they are “different” and it’s not my favorite place to spend a lot of time. Let me explain.

We arrive and grandma comes rushing to the door and gushes and gushes she is so glad to see us. She goes on and on with hugs and wails of “oh it is so good to see you!” Now I was raised in a family that showed ZERO outward affection so this sort of overt outpouring of joy at my mere presence makes me feel all off balance. I know she is trying to be nice but it seems so over the top to me. Makes me want to back up and call the guys in white coats. BUT I do realize this is just a matter of opinion. NO one is right or wrong, just different.

When we arrive Grandpa makes an obligatory appearance to say hi. He stands back and looks a bit impatient. He obviously can’t wait to get back to his own thing. He is not a gusher at all. Soon he disappears only to reappear when there is food being served or he is specifically summoned.

Before long Grandma is focusing 100% on her only grandchild; the light of her life; the most precious peach ever plucked. This again is not bad, but it gets worse as the day wears on and grandma wears out but continues jumping through flaming hoops with no breaks in order to satisfy the ever more demanding and selfish 6 year old who is now reveling in the attention and the power she is wielding over the adults. I sit alone nearby, bored out of my mind, watching TV and must actively keep myself from intervening. I know that this is how they both want it and I try hard to let her be the grandma she wants to be. She is old and I know it won’t be long before she is gone and I want them to have as much quality time with each other as possible.

Still, it is hard for me. We struggle to keep this “only” child from being a brat and Grandma’s attitude towards her is not helping. Again, I was brought up in a very different world. In my family, children are not human and don’t count for a thing. They are little bothers that are required to be quiet, stay out of the way and act RESPECTFUL at all time to the adults who are present.

When I was growing up, holidays were when the adults gathered to see each other and the kids played and NONE of the adults entertained us. Sure they might get out a box of toys for us or let us chop something to be helpful in the kitchen, but they did not have planned activities arranged to fill our whole day with stimulating fun.

That’s another thing…..when did society decide that children had to be “stimulated” all day or we were not being good (grand)parents?  My husband and his family feel you should be reading to the child or offering her crafts or cooking projects or doing something educational with her every waking moment. I think kids need to learn to entertain themselves and they need to have veg-out time too. I remember as a kid playing by myself with the Dixie cups in the bathroom or making up games with my brother. Adults NEVER entertained us!

Add to this that Grandma is THE BIGGEST food pusher ever. She has always been this way and I think that is partly why my husband has such a messed up relationship with food. Grandma lost about 50 pounds over the last few years so she is not as bad as she used to be but she is STILL really bad. She had 2 pies, an apple crisp, ice cream and pumpkin bread, ham, turkey (with all the trimmings) and a lasagna, pancakes and sausage for breakfast each day and much, much, more and that was for 3 adults for just 2 days. (She doesn’t eat because she is on Weight Watchers) WAY TOO MUCH FOOD.

And she bought me special creamer….which I don’t want. And she got my favorite ice cream…..which I don’t need especially when there are already two pies. And she always has nuts, chips and fruit out on the table. She offered Beanie chocolate pie no less than 5 times per day. It’s ridiculous!

On Friday we had lunch around 2 pm and she had dinner on the table at 5. I wasn’t even slightly hungry but I did not want to be rude so I sat at the table and ate what they served me. My stomach was in pain when we finally left for home. And, she thought I was getting sick because I was not eating more and didn’t want to go shopping on Black Friday!!

On the way home I discussed it with my husband. He was nice and listened and explained that his mother means well and is just trying to be nice and make sure we have a memorable holiday.

I know I am just being an ungrateful bitch to complain. But still it is like a two day torture fest for me. I don’t want to, or need to, eat like that. (No one does EVER.) I hate to sit alone for hours on end and watch TV.   (I should go read a book.)  Husband disappears just like his father and I am left alone the whole time. I hate it.

In the final analysis I am grateful that Husband’s mother loves Beanie especially since my mother has no interest what so ever in her.

PS – I think I could take it for one day….but two was just too much. Next year, if there is one, I will certainly stay only one day even if I have to drive myself and make excuses to leave.

Thursday's with George

Today George told me I married my husband because I was trying to finish my unfinished business with my parents. George really likes “Imago Theory”. I told him it’s not true. I would NEVER have married him if it weren’t for Beanie. I would have only married a person I considered kind and a friend of mine.

My ex was a really really nice guy. Rocco was my best friend and very kind to me except in the end when it got a little weird. I am not in the habit of hooking up with people that treat me poorly (unless they change on me).

He then asked me why I bother to stay with my husband if I am that unhappy with him. I told him I don’t think being a single mother would make me any happier. I can live with my husband (mostly) and this way we share the responsibly and it is not all on me.

He once again reminded me that things are improving with my husband and I should be happy. He wants me to focus on the positive. I get that but you know what….at this rate of change it will take another 20 years before I am happily married. HA!

Then we were talking about my feelings as a child. He was really challenging me to go back and think about how I felt at the time and what I was thinking. At first I couldn’t come up with anything new or earth shattering. Then I thought a little harder and did come up with a few things I found VERY interesting.

First, my father used to have an accordion and once in a while, in the evening he would drink some wine and bust that thing out of the closet and we would all party it up and laugh and have such a good time. Really my mother is NEVER fun. My father could be very fun at times.

I wonder what ever happened to his accordion?

The other thing I remembered was when my father moved out, which wasn’t long after my older sister moved out, I felt very hurt and confused by their departures. These days people would certainly worry that the child may be traumatized by such changes but I recall back then everyone acting like I should not be emotionally affected at all. And….this is the interesting part, I believed them! I remember feeling that I should NOT have feelings and trying so hard to make them go away. I remember thinking I was crazy because I was sad and I had no reason to be sad. I stuffed all my sadness down and acted like everything was fine because that is what “the world” seemed to expect from me. I remember all of 4th and 5th grade feeling “lost” because of the changes and my inner turmoil with it all.

It is just so hard when you are a child because you have no frame of reference. All you know is what the adults around you tell you and if it is total bullshit then you don’t know any better. It’s sad really…..that they crushed my little soul. I know they didn’t mean to so I really don’t feel “mad” at my parents. I do feel mad at the world though. Mad because I feel like I never had a chance. Like “it” got me and still gets me and I don’t know how to free myself from it.

I am so tired of feeling hurt, angry and sad. I know I should let it go but I don’t know how to!

I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I bet my blood pressure is NOT good.


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PS - so pissed i can't type on the "compose" tab of this blog and i don't have time to research why!
PSS - I think my internet browser is so old and that is why my "compose" tab won't work. I tried to upgrade it but failed. I will see if our IT guy can fix it next time he is in the office.

Pop Dies - final thoughts and feelings

When a person dies, everyone is sympathetic and they don’t mind if you cry or are preoccupied. They say nice things to you and try to sooth you if you are upset. I was already on the verge of a breakdown for a whole list of reasons that no one would have deemed worthy of their sympathy (except my loving blogger friends) and then all of a sudden I had every right to cry all damn day and you know what? I did…and I needed it! Still do.

A few people have commented “I don’t know why you are so upset; you said you two were not close.” He was still my dad, the only dad I ever had. He was around until I was 9 or so. He took my training wheels of my bike. I loved him very much. I wanted to be closer to him. I knew things would never change but it is really final when they die. You must mourn the loss of that relationship AGAIN. I wish I had more memories of my dad. I wish I had pictures of us together. I wish I had a single thing of his as a keepsake. I wish I would feel a day to day loss with him gone now because that would mean he was a part of my day to day life. People who have a “real” dad are so lucky.

I do have an old shoe rack he built for me as a child. It was made with scrap lumber and not even engineered well because it was just going into a kid’s closet but you know what…that damn shoe rack is PRICELESS to me! I already told my husband to never ever think of getting rid of it.

I can’t believe that my father and his wife, for the past 40 years, acted like they were too busy for us and now that he is dead I get the feeling that the whole world blames us for not being around my father more. My brother even said that Pop told him that he wishes we would call more. Well you know what?….I wish he would have told me that because I would have called more!

I tried to tell one of my friends about some of the family crap I was dealing with only to get brushed off. So that forces me to recognize that some of my so called friends are really not there for me….they are only fair weather friends. That is a stab in the heart too.

Husband has tried to be so nice and patient and helpful and I am grateful. BUT, true to form, he does it in the background….he is quiet and listens but he doesn’t “take care of me” like I wish he would. I know I am just being a picky bitch to say it, but it is how I feel. I am still pissed about the whole money thing. Since The Wife is now a SAHM I am just more chapped than ever that my husband said “you have to pay your own way in life”.

Forgot to share this little story earlier.  Friday night after I received the new about my father, the phone rang and it was Friss.  He never calls on Friday evening and I was so happy he did call.  (You know I can't call him right?)  When I answered the phone he was confused and he said he didn't call my number.  I told him fate had intervened because I really needed to talk to him!

I have it in my head that I don’t want to see dead bodies. I mean when a person dies I have no idea why anyone would want to gaze on the corps. The open casket seems grotesque to me and it is not how I want to remember last seeing my loved one. So when I was there Monday, I did my best to avoid looking at the casket. I want my last memory of my father to be hugging him goodbye on June 16th and telling him I love him. But then, as everyone was leaving they all went up there to say goodbye. Well I didn’t want to so I held back hoping they would all leave me there alone so I could scoot out without a glance. BUT, my brother was trying to be sweet and almost lifts me up to walk me up there so I went. I looked at the empty body and knew it was NOT my father. Pop was gone and the body that was there was just a pointless thing to me. I didn’t see my father dead….I saw a body of a dead man.

Anyhow….I loved him so very very much. I hope he knew that before he died.

Pop Dies - Tuesday After

Tuesday at like 2 am my brother fell asleep in the recliner. The other brother and his girlfriend went to bed and I was left on the couch with my pillow. The snoring was really loud and I couldn’t get to sleep. I would doze off but then the snoring would wake me. I tried to cover my ears but it didn’t work so well.

Around 5 am, my normal wake up time, I kind of gave up sleeping and went out front to phone my husband. I had NOT checked in the night before and I knew he was probably wondering what the heck was going on.

We chatted for a few minutes but the darn mosquitoes were so bad that I had to cut it short and head back indoors. Back on the couch I messed with my phone and entertained myself as best I could all the while hoping my younger brother would wake up so we could make our exit. (He was driving)

Finally around 7ish he woke up and I suggested we leave a note and sneak out quietly (so others could sleep in) and head over to see our mom. He was all for it and I giggled as we pulled away and Billy exclaimed “let’s leave those two to do whatever freaky shit they do when no one is looking!”

My mom was glad to see us and we spent the morning together but I had promised we would retrieve Linda in the morning so I made sure we were at Mary’s before noon. (Being technical about the definition of morning.) We had to drive an extra ½ hour each way to fetch Linda. Blah.

When we arrived they were both in good spirits and it was so nice to see Mary and the house. This is the house my older brother lived in for many years as he and Mary raised their 4 children. She is a very stable and loving woman from a wonderful family. She really was too good for my brother. The kids are so lucky to have her. Chuck left her not too long after Mathew (their oldest son) died in a car accident on New Year’s Eve 2000. After that, Chuck sort of freaked out and started drinking and became a real mess.

We visited with Mary for a few hours and then loaded up for the long drive back to my house. On the drive I took a much needed nap. I found out that Linda’s return flight home was actually Wednesday at 6 pm and I told her that I could not get off work to drive her to the airport. She said she would try and get a rental car so we found the Enterprise leasing and she had already made a reservation before I even told her I could not drive her. (Why she didn’t say something sooner is beyond me.) She checked out her car and followed us back to my house.

Billy stayed for a few minutes and then headed out to drive 2 more hours to his house. Originally I had planned that Billy and I would have 2 hours each way in the car alone so we could have some quality one-on-one time and that never happened. I was very disappointed about it but I think in the long run the whole occasion has brought us closer together which is a very good thing.

After Billy left, my husband had to go into work and I was left to entertain my sister. I unpacked and did some light housekeeping while she lingered nearby chatting with me. I was not mean to her but I certainly didn’t drop everything to entertain her. My 5 year old daughter wanted to show Linda her room so we went in there and hung out for quite some time.

Around 8 pm I was getting hungry and realized I had never had dinner. We all headed to the kitchen where the only food in the house was eggs. (We always have eggs since we have 6 chickens)  I offered my sister and egg sandwich for dinner. I made her and the Bean a plate and then made myself a couple of eggs too. I skipped the toast since I am always trying to cut back on carbs.

About 8:45 I told Linda that Beanie and I were headed to bed. I always go to bed at 9 pm since I always get up at 4:45. She looked a bit miffed and said she wasn’t tired and might go for a drive. She asked for directions to the airport and even quizzed me on how to get back to The City. She also asked how she could get back in the house after I was asleep. I told her I would leave the garage open for her.

As we went to bed she headed downstairs to freshen up. Later I realized she was sitting in the driveway in her rental car for a long time. I mean like 45 minutes. It was about 10pm before she actually drove off.

For some reason I had the presence of mind to go down stairs and look to see if she had taken all her belongings and sure enough….they were all gone. I came upstairs and shut the garage door. Husband had returned home by then and asked why I shut the door. I told him she would not be back and he thought that was absurd. I told him all her stuff was gone and he said “odd”. I agreed and we finally went to sleep.

Pop Dies - The Service

Monday morning I got up and finished my packing. I ventured out into the kitchen where my husband was making scrambled eggs and toast for my sister. I knew he needed to get work and Linda was sitting on her ass at the table looking smug for getting waited on.

Billy showed up right on time and we loaded stuff into the car. Linda told me she gets carsick so would need to sit in the front. Of course you do! (I saw that one coming a mile away.) I was happy to sit in back and let my brother deal with her.

For the next two hours she grilled him on his memories of Pop (not in a nice way like let’s reminisce, in a mean way like what did he do for you or not do that I can gossip about). Billy did caution her not to bad talk our mom so she went light on that subject. I sat and listened and generally did not want to get involved. Once in a while I piped up when the shit was getting so deep I couldn’t help myself.

We finally arrived in front of the funeral home and there was my older brother walking up the lot. I had not seen him in years but recognized him in an instant by the way he walked. He waved *Hi* to Billy and then went blank when he realized who was sitting by him.

We all got out of the car and walked up to the front of the building. Chuck stopped Linda and said “are you going to tell me where our mother is?” She told him that is not what she is here for. On the one hand I can see putting the fight away for a funeral, on the other hand this is the first time he has been able to talk to Linda since the abduction of his mother 4 years ago. He quickly said “don’t you think I have a right to know if she is dead or alive?” My sister stood there looking off into space and ignoring him. I decided to go find Mona and give her a hug.

Inside I found her sitting up front and I said hello and tried to hug her. She sat there very stiff and would not stand up so I could hug her proper. I then moved the box of Kleenex next to her so I could sit and I tried to hold her hand. She was not holding my hand back….she was tense and would not acknowledge me. Between sobs I told her I was sorry, thanked her for everything she did for Pop and told her I was broken hearted too. She was detached as usual. About now my sister showed up so I went to find my older brother. Poor Mona then had to talk to Linda. From the back of the room I felt bad for her.

Later I heard that Mona had been telling others that we didn’t love pop and never called or came to visit him. This was a stab in the heart. ALL of us wanted to be closer to him but had been met with an icy reception so many times that we started to just stay away. We felt we were not wanted and had grown weary of begging for his approval and attention. Chuck thinks she has always wanted to run us off so she would not have to share. Before he died she didn’t want to share him and now she doesn’t want to share his money or memories. I am sure she will pass ALL her (including my father’s) money to her children when she dies and we will end up with nothing. (I have known this all along and do not expect a thing.)

The service was very short and basically one prayer after another read by a strange man with a soothing voice who didn’t know Pop at all but spoke like he did. The man was just a funeral home employee doing his job and it seemed very impersonal. My sister of course had to ask the man if Pop had found Jesus Christ as his savior in time. The man awkwardly told her he never met my father. (BTW - Pop was an atheist.)

No one was there but Mona and her two grown children who were acting more like body guards than mourners and my siblings and a few of Chucks kids. There were no flowers or books to sign or anything. It all seemed rather odd to me.

After the service we sent Linda to visit my brother Chucks ex wife Mary. She is a saint of a woman and volunteered to take one for the team. My brother Chuck said if Linda showed up for lunch at the restaurant he was going to put a fork in her eye. After a nice meal we all went back to Chuck’s duplex to look at photo albums and really reminisce.

Chuck thinks the whole service was her send off to us kids. Like… here you go, say goodbye and I am done with you forever. I hadn’t really considered how Mona would surely be done with us now. It seemed weird….that after 40 years she never had any attachment to us at all. She really doesn’t care a bit.

Chuck still lives in his half of the duplex but he rents out the other side. He has had the same girlfriend for the last 5 years now. Her name is Karen and she is only 29 years old. She seemed pretty nice but she smoked and cursed a lot. I have a small child and the amount of drinking, cursing and smoking going on that night was way out of my league.

We sat up until the wee hours of the morning and finally hatched a plan to have an annual family reunion on the weekend after the 4th of July to coincide with Pops passing. We will all go to Arkansas where Chuck’s daughter lives since she has 9 children. We will stay in a hotel and have her kids out to the pool to play. I think Husband will like this idea because he has been saying he would like to vacation in Arkansas for a years. It is a beautiful place if you are an outdoorsy type. He can take a bike and canoe and go off on his own and I will hang with the family.

Pop Dies - Day Two

Today I woke up to 2 voice mails from my sister. She had called around midnight or later and wanted to discuss air travel. I looked at my clock and determined it was about 4 am at her place so I just decided I would call her later; still not realizing what she was really up to.

Since I was taking Monday and Tuesday off work to go out of town for the service, I decided I would go into the office for an hour or so and check messages and be sure that nothing was left hanging. Then I had planned on going for a run.

Once I got to work, I found out that our accounting system was down. An automatic updated had messed things up. I tried and tried to figure out how to fix it and finally gave up and called our IT guy.  He and I worked on the phone for a while and still could not get it fixed. I finally left around 9 a.m. having accomplished nothing; no run, no work projects and the accounting system still down.   BUT Husband needed to go into work so I had to get home to watch the girl.

About this time I got a text message from my sister’s daughter. It said “sorry for the last minute notice but Linda got on a plane this morning and should arrive there around 2 pm.” THIS SET ME INTO A HUGE TAILSPIN. I did not have time for her and her BS. Why the hell would she come here when the funeral is about 2 hours away?

In panic mode I tried to call her and reached no one. What the hell was I going to do with her for the rest of the day? The rest of the trip? I don’t have time for this I have way too much going on!! I phoned my mother because we were staying with her Monday night. She told me without hesitation that my sister was not welcome at her house. And I knew my older brother was going to be super pissed off if I showed up with Linda. They are in a huge huge fight.

Let me just fill you in on that story:

Back around Thanksgiving 2009 Linda showed up in town with her weird long bearded hippy boyfriend. They stopped by my house and I was nice to them. I am always nice to her even though she is crazy and gets on my nerves. I figure I see her once every 10 years for a day or so and I can afford to be gracious. (Really I think of it as being kind to the mentally ill)

I found out later why she was in town….it was not just to visit. You see, my older brother Chuck had been caring for their mother, Simone for years. She lived on one side of a duplex he owned, and he lived on the other side. She was born in 1924 so she was getting very old and was not in good health. He was still working full time and became concerned that she should not be home alone all day so he made arrangements to move her to an assisted living apartment. There she would have access to nurses and help 24-7. He did it to keep her safe and for her own good. Well, Linda thought it was terrible and had hatched a plan to come rescue her. So while she was in town visiting she went to visit her mom, who was in a wheel chair, singed her out for a visit and left the retirement villa and took her to the airport and took her back to California with her; leaving all her clothes and belongings behind. NO ONE had seen or heard from either of them since!

Chuck is convinced that his mother is dead since she was not in good shape 4 years ago when Linda kidnapped her. How nutty is that….to not even know if your own mother is dead or alive!?!?!

When 2 o’clock (time to pick up Linda) rolled around I was back at the office working on the computers again with a 5 year old bouncing around just to keep it all more irritating. The IT guy had a solution and I was turning machines on and logging in for him. He was remotely installing the fix. I texted Linda and told her I would get there when I could.

I decided the simple solution was to take her to a hotel and drop her off and be on my way. I would then proceed about my day like normal and we could pick her up in the morning for the drive into the city. I really felt I did not owe her a lot of attention since I had not agreed to this whole plan at all.

At the airport I asked her why the hell she didn’t just fly into the city. She said she wanted to ride with us (of course).   I asked her where she would stay Monday night and she said she had no plans. I told her I didn’t know where she could stay either. I wanted her to understand that I wasn’t going to take care of her and she needed to figure some shit out.

She wanted to go to Denny’s because she was hungry so I dumped her off there and told her to call me when she decided which hotel to go to and I would take her over.

She called me back hours later….it must have been 7 pm or so and wanted me to pick her up. She wanted to talk about where she was staying. By now I had most of my stuff done and was in no mood to talk. I took her home and showed her the guest room and went to bed.

You have to understand that she has been mooching off people her whole life.  She is NOT poor and easily could have flown into the city, gotten a room and a rental car and not been an imposition to anyone but instead she seems to derive some pleasure out of seeing what she can get out of people. 

Pop Dies - Day One

Last night I picked up Beanie and went straight home.  She wanted a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner and I got busy doing other stuff and accidentally burned it black on one side.  So, having been trained to not waste food, I ate it and made her a new one.  This turned out to be a super lucky mistake because not long after this I got a phone call from my father’s wife, Mona, she left a message that said Pop had died.  I couldn’t eat a thing after that and it was probably for the best that I had some food in me since I started on a bottle of wine about this time.

My first reaction was to drop the phone and find my husband and sob uncontrollably on his shoulder.  I don’t know how to explain it but I was so shocked and overwhelmed that I just broke down.  For some reason it was the last thing I expected at that moment.  I had assumed that the strange phone number was a sales person.   I did however know he was really sick because I had gone to see him just a few weeks ago for father’s day.  **This Post** 

WOW am I glad I went to see him and hugged him and told him I love him.

After what seemed like an eternity I finally let go of my husband and then Beanie asked him why Mommy was crying and when he told her she too sobbed.  I felt awful….she had gone with me on father’s day so she knew exactly who we were talking about.  She is at an age where death is very scary to her.  I hugged my baby.

Over the next few hours I told Monster and Ramone and all my Facebook friends.  I also tried to track down my sister who has been in a sort of hiding from the family.  In my grief I really wanted to locate someone who loved my father as much as I did so we could share our heart ache.  Everyone I told, even the people that knew him, didn’t seem upset at all.  Understandable since they were not close to him.  No one was close to him except his wife.

Finally I went to bed and fell asleep….or did I pass out.  The bottle of wine was gone.  Around 12:30 am my phone rang and I saw it was my sister Linda.  I picked up the phone.  Finally a person to talk to that loved pop as much as I did.

(Refresher….My father’s first wife was Simone (pretty French woman– they met during WWII) and they had Chuck (1946) and Linda (1948).  Later pop gave Simone the boot, married my mom (the intelligent one) and had me and my little brother Billy.  When I was about 10 Pop left my mom for Mona (hoity toity one) and they have been married ever since - almost 40 years.)

It didn’t take long for me to surmise that Linda was NOT feeling like I was.   She seemed mostly like her normal self.  She wanted to talk, but seemed to be dragging up the same old conversations she always dredged up.  Her favorite topics are telling me how her life got messed up when my mom moved in and how Pop was her hero when she was a girl.  How he raised the two older children and then was not interested in us because he had already raised his family.  How my mom was a terrible mother, etc. etc. For some reason I sat and talked to her for almost two hours.  I guess I felt like I should after all, we had both just lost our father.

By the time we got off the phone I was more exhausted than ever, both physically and mentally but I was also very wound up.  All I kept thinking was “what is the point?”  My husband was awake when I came back to bed and in my sorrow and grief I started to sob and curse and tell him all kinds of dark things.  I told him how almost daily I wish I would die in car accident so I could escape this life that seems to be so much more work than it is worth for me.  How I am depressed and have been depressed and should just except the fact that I am a depressed sick person and quit trying to be ok or act normal.  It went on for a long time.   He listened but didn’t say much.  I know he was trying to be kind.  

It was about 3:30 or so when we finally went back to sleep and my alarm went off at 5 am as planned.  I got up and tried to make some breakfast and jumped on Facebook to tell my friend I would NOT make the morning bike because I was operating on only about 4 hours of sleep and a shit ton of grief.

Then, I started to feel better and decided it would do me good to ride my bike so I threw my cycling clothes on and rushed out the door.  When I arrived at the assigned start location all my friends were super nice and Tater even gave me a big hug.  I found out 3 of the girls were only doing 32 miles so I decided to stick with them.  The boys left to do more like 50 miles but I knew I was probably too “messed up” to keep up with them.

We weren’t far down the street when K-Rob told me her dad had died just a few years ago and she took it really hard even though he had not raised her.  She was so awesome to talk to.  I was thrilled I had gotten out of the house. 

I biked and talked and generally had a nice ride.  A couple of times I found myself away from the group and I started to think too much and felt like sobbing so I got back next to one of my girls and said “talk to me so I don’t cry” and they did.

After my bike I went straight to the store and got another bottle of wine.  I also purchased myself a few treats to eat...I felt like spoiling myself.  I got a loaf of crusty artisan bread, some fancy olives from the olive bar and a tub of feta cheese crumbles.  (I know wine is a depressant…and I just didn’t care.)

Next we were schedule to meet Carrie and her mom Valarie at the pool.  I called and told them I was packing a picnic but they should bring a drink.  They showed up with Sonic drinks and the kids, much to my surprise, were pretty happy about the cheese, bread and olives.

I admitted to Valarie there was wine in my water bottle and she said she loves a good dry white wine.  I told her this happens to be a cheap white wine that I had poured over ice or I would offer her some.  We agreed that soon we would indeed share a GOOD bottle of wine.

The day flew by and we all had a very nice time.  Valarie told me she wanted to try cycling so I offered to loan her my old Giant Iguana that I purchased when Rocco and I first started dating because he wanted to bike with me.  Tomorrow I will take her the bike and all four of us (little girls and moms) can ride around her street for a bit.

After we went home I started to feel very sad again.  It seems like if I stay with people I can be distracted but left by myself I crumble to a ball of tears because life just feels so sad and disappointing.  I keep thinking I want my Papa….I love my Papa.  I will never ever see or talk to my Papa again.  It’s so final.  I mean I never thought things would change between us but when a person is dead you have to admit that any chances of change are certainly over.  It just seems weird….like a leg has been chopped off my life’s chair.

At some point today I received a text that the funeral would be at 10 am on Monday.  No actually it was not a funeral it was a memorial service.  Also, today while we were at the pool, Mona, my dad’s wife tried to call me again.  She left another message.  She sounded so sad.  I tried to call her back because I wanted to tell her how bad I felt and that I was thinking of her.  She didn’t answer though.  That woman loved my dad VERY much and will be lost without him.  They have always been inseparable.  Once they retired I don’t think they EVER did anything without each other.  That is the kind of love I want!

Late in the evening, past my bedtime my sister called me again.  This time I was not going to spend a lot of time chit chatting.  She asked if I had been given the funeral information….I assumed she was going to fill me in if not.  I told her I had received a text from Jim (Mona’s son from her first husband).  She asked me more questions and at some point I told her that my little brother Billy was going to pick me up on his way to the service and we were just going to ride together.   (In hindsight I am sure she did not know when the service was and tricked me into telling her.) She told me she was pissed it was such short notice and that getting a flight would be near impossible.  I told her I am sure everyone would understand if she couldn’t make it.  She seemed to want justification for not coming.  She told me that Mona doesn’t like her and I knew she was feuding with her brother Chuck.   At some point I told her she could ride with us but I also thought that it was an insane idea that she try to arrive here rather than in the bigger city where the service would take place.  Our little airport is tiny and not many flight go there.  Anyhow, I was tired, still buzzed on wine and trying to be nice.  I felt sure she was not coming and was just telling someone so the family would understand.  I had no idea I was creating a HUGE mess that we all would have to deal with for the next 4 days!