I apologize in advance for just going on and on about the same old shit over and over again. But I feel stuck. I mean I will feel fine for a few days that I am headed in the right direction and then all of a sudden I feel consumed by doubt and wonder. I get that anxious feeling in my stomach like when you lose your wallet with all your credit cards in it.
Today I was wresting with my thoughts and it hit me why this is so hard. I am not trying to decide if I should go back to my old life or my old husband. I know I don't want to do that. But Husband has promised he has changed. He swears things will be better. He is exercising less and trying harder to be a giving person and spend time with the people he loves. He is trying to live in the moment and not focus on the past or the future. He is trying to be more open and honest. (Although he hasn't told his girlfriend he is still married). I am basically being asked to pick an unknown. He wants me to go back to "better" .....but what is better? I have no idea how he would treat me or what it would be like.
I asked him to write down what he wants our "new" marriage to be like. I told him we both want to be happy and want a better marriage but what does that actually mean? Maybe our idea of what better means is totally different?
AND I am starting to feel guilty that I am now not being fair to Kevin. That sucks. I mean I have always strived to be open and honest with him but if he knew about these conversations with Husband he would be so hurt and upset. It is so simple to him. To him the man never wanted to be my husband, never respected me as his wife and I should be happy to be done with it.
Oh i wish it was that simple. Maybe it is?
I am standing here trying to decide if I should dump a GREAT MAN for a chance to save a marriage that i already invested 7 + years in and have always longed to have. SO FRUSTRATING!!
Monday, June 30, 2014
George, Thinking, Interview
I have a job interview in 1 1/2 hours. I was dumb to set one up on a Monday. Mondays suck. After a whole two days with no work to distract me I tend to have my mind in a mess of some sort.
I went to see George last Thursday and unlike Chump Lady who would adamantly tell me to keep going and never look back, he thinks that I should give Husband another chance. That if his issue was that he didn't pick me and that is why he was never a good husband but now he does want to pick me, even over another woman, then George thinks he may be a whole new husband. That he will finally be with me because it is what he wants not what he feels forced to do. George thinks that my husband very well could have been "not himself" for the past 8 years and would be a whole new person should I give him a chance to prove it.
For the most part I cry BS to all that. BUT, I know that on the rare occasion something like this can cause an epiphany and actually make big changes in how someone thinks. Heck I will never forget the day I realized that I was better off without Friss' dad around. It was like a door had opened and let me out of a closet. There was no going back. From that moment on everything changed so I know it can happen. Maybe he will be different? Maybe we could be happy and be a real family? Unlike Chump Lady I do believe some marriages do survive affairs and go on to be just fine. I know that the shred of doubt in my head is driving me crazy.
I realized this last weekend that one of the reasons I did stick around for so long is that I always felt there was a good man in there somewhere. Someone who could be a good husband and partner in life. I always thought he had the potential. I really never thought he was a total POS or I would have left a long time ago. Now maybe I was fantasizing or maybe there was something to that. Maybe all along I knew that if he really wanted to be a good husband he could do it but I just gave up that he would ever WANT to?
Last night I woke up around 3 am and the first thing that entered my mind was a very old and familiar feeling. I awoke feeling angry and resentful towards my spouse at the far side of the bed......and then I remembered he wasn't there and I didn't have to feel that way anymore. Then I thought about how much our lives could be different if we were not so busy dealing with hurt and animosity.
I went to see George last Thursday and unlike Chump Lady who would adamantly tell me to keep going and never look back, he thinks that I should give Husband another chance. That if his issue was that he didn't pick me and that is why he was never a good husband but now he does want to pick me, even over another woman, then George thinks he may be a whole new husband. That he will finally be with me because it is what he wants not what he feels forced to do. George thinks that my husband very well could have been "not himself" for the past 8 years and would be a whole new person should I give him a chance to prove it.
For the most part I cry BS to all that. BUT, I know that on the rare occasion something like this can cause an epiphany and actually make big changes in how someone thinks. Heck I will never forget the day I realized that I was better off without Friss' dad around. It was like a door had opened and let me out of a closet. There was no going back. From that moment on everything changed so I know it can happen. Maybe he will be different? Maybe we could be happy and be a real family? Unlike Chump Lady I do believe some marriages do survive affairs and go on to be just fine. I know that the shred of doubt in my head is driving me crazy.
I realized this last weekend that one of the reasons I did stick around for so long is that I always felt there was a good man in there somewhere. Someone who could be a good husband and partner in life. I always thought he had the potential. I really never thought he was a total POS or I would have left a long time ago. Now maybe I was fantasizing or maybe there was something to that. Maybe all along I knew that if he really wanted to be a good husband he could do it but I just gave up that he would ever WANT to?
Last night I woke up around 3 am and the first thing that entered my mind was a very old and familiar feeling. I awoke feeling angry and resentful towards my spouse at the far side of the bed......and then I remembered he wasn't there and I didn't have to feel that way anymore. Then I thought about how much our lives could be different if we were not so busy dealing with hurt and animosity.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
If McDonald's Was Smart
If McDonald's was smart they would create and market a smaller version of the BIG MAC.
They could call it a Baby Mac and use only one beef patty and eliminate that pesky center bun.
Of course they would have to keep the special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and the sesame seeds on the bun.
So if I was craving a Big Mac but didn't want to spend 550 calories on it, I could choose the Baby Mac and be satisfied.
Would YOU buy a Baby Mac?
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Just What I Needed
Last night after work I packed up a few things to spend the night, made a grocery list and headed over to Kevin's house. When I got there I poured a glass of wine and we sat on the couch and talked for a while.
I needed to decompress.
Then we went out to dinner at a "build the jumbo burrito" restaurant. We split one so it wasn't so bad for our diet. Then we went grocery shopping together and I showed him where all his favorite items can be found at the Wal-Mart. He is the type that avoids Wal-Mart. I on the other hand go there often because it is convenient and has great prices. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I would go to Target more often if they opened BEFORE 8 am!
After shopping we went by my house and put my groceries away (I live only .75 miles from his house) and then back to his house where I sipped another glass of wine and he had a Miller Lite (it's the only alcohol he will drink).
Soon it was 9 pm and we headed to bed. I didn't sleep but a few hours on Sunday night / Monday morning so I was exhausted. I climbed into bed and noted how peace filled and safe I felt. He really is good for me.
I needed to decompress.
Then we went out to dinner at a "build the jumbo burrito" restaurant. We split one so it wasn't so bad for our diet. Then we went grocery shopping together and I showed him where all his favorite items can be found at the Wal-Mart. He is the type that avoids Wal-Mart. I on the other hand go there often because it is convenient and has great prices. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I would go to Target more often if they opened BEFORE 8 am!
After shopping we went by my house and put my groceries away (I live only .75 miles from his house) and then back to his house where I sipped another glass of wine and he had a Miller Lite (it's the only alcohol he will drink).
Soon it was 9 pm and we headed to bed. I didn't sleep but a few hours on Sunday night / Monday morning so I was exhausted. I climbed into bed and noted how peace filled and safe I felt. He really is good for me.
So Darn Sweet
Found this on my counter when I got home from work last night. Of course I cried.
It was such a stress filled day that I barely kept my head above water. I don't think I ever took a full breath all day and my stomach was in knots.
Stuff at work is getting worse so it's not just the divorce that is on my mind.
I just hugged my little bear. He is so cute and cuddly. The card was so sweet and caring. I am lucky to have a man who really cares for me and cares how I feel.
He tries very hard to make me happy.
I am currently fussing over what to name my new little bear.....any ideas?
Monday, June 23, 2014
Papers
We signed the papers.
I feel sick.
This sucks.
I called George.
I guess I can spare $50.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
before we went into the attorneys office my husband looked me straight in the eyes and said "are you sure you and Beanie wouldn't rather just come home?" That hurt SO MUCH!
He has been so much better to me lately. He has been more open and honest. He has answered the phone. He has shared things he never did before. It is so hard on me that he is finally letting me "in" and it is really too late.
We were up late last night talking and arguing on the phone. Then I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep. I finally called him and he talked to me for another 1.5 hours. That is a world record for him.
I truly believe he would take me back and do his best. But I am also realistic. The chances of us fixing all this are miniscule. Too many bad things have transpired. I don't think we could ever really trust each other....at least not in the foreseeable future. He would still be selfish and struggle to think of our needs not just his. He would still be secretive with his life....I don't think he could stop. It is easy for him to say what I want to hear but he has never been good at the follow through.
It's all so sad.
I feel sick.
This sucks.
I called George.
I guess I can spare $50.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
before we went into the attorneys office my husband looked me straight in the eyes and said "are you sure you and Beanie wouldn't rather just come home?" That hurt SO MUCH!
He has been so much better to me lately. He has been more open and honest. He has answered the phone. He has shared things he never did before. It is so hard on me that he is finally letting me "in" and it is really too late.
We were up late last night talking and arguing on the phone. Then I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep. I finally called him and he talked to me for another 1.5 hours. That is a world record for him.
I truly believe he would take me back and do his best. But I am also realistic. The chances of us fixing all this are miniscule. Too many bad things have transpired. I don't think we could ever really trust each other....at least not in the foreseeable future. He would still be selfish and struggle to think of our needs not just his. He would still be secretive with his life....I don't think he could stop. It is easy for him to say what I want to hear but he has never been good at the follow through.
It's all so sad.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
The End
I plan to sit down with the husband sometime in the next few days and finally end this relationship for good, in a grown up mature fashion where I will kindly tell him that our marriage is over and I don’t want him to hold out hope anymore and that I hope we can raise our daughter with cooperation and kindness to each other.
Tuition is due and he is in the middle of refinancing the house right now so my instinct is to stay away because I know he will be cranky….spending money always makes him cranky. BUT I think the honest and kind thing to do is to be straight forward and tell him I can’t come back.
I haven’t really spoken to him since Monday and I feel good. I feel good about my life and what I am doing with it. I feel good about the people I am putting my time and energy in to. I feel healthy when he is not in the mix.
At the same time I am glad that I have been talking to him the past few weeks, although it did upset me so. The fact that I now understand why Husband was always so reluctant to treat me like a wife is huge. I like understanding. .... I like to know what was wrong. I like to think life makes sense and I can learn and grow from my mistakes. Knowledge is power. I know I will never let this happen again because I will never stick around when I feel I am not wanted.
It is a shame that he could not manage to move past the “awful” beginning of our relationship and value me as a person in his life. It is too bad that by the time he realized he might not have such a raw deal after all it was too late.
I guess I should have known all along what was wrong. I mean he made it quite clear in the beginning that it was not what he wanted. But then he stuck around, he married me; I just didn’t think he would do those things if he was still angry that I “trapped” him and he didn’t really want to be with me. I guess I was wrong.
Imagine what might have happened if he had managed to lay that anger and resentment down years ago? What a different course this would have all taken. This is the take-away lesson!
I’m not mad anymore either. I am sad and feel sorry for him. I hope that he goes on to find happiness in his life and maybe a person that he can actually share his heart with. I still don’t know if he is really capable of letting someone in. I guess it is no longer my concern.
I’d still love to talk to George about all this. I wish I could afford it.
Tuition is due and he is in the middle of refinancing the house right now so my instinct is to stay away because I know he will be cranky….spending money always makes him cranky. BUT I think the honest and kind thing to do is to be straight forward and tell him I can’t come back.
I haven’t really spoken to him since Monday and I feel good. I feel good about my life and what I am doing with it. I feel good about the people I am putting my time and energy in to. I feel healthy when he is not in the mix.
At the same time I am glad that I have been talking to him the past few weeks, although it did upset me so. The fact that I now understand why Husband was always so reluctant to treat me like a wife is huge. I like understanding. .... I like to know what was wrong. I like to think life makes sense and I can learn and grow from my mistakes. Knowledge is power. I know I will never let this happen again because I will never stick around when I feel I am not wanted.
It is a shame that he could not manage to move past the “awful” beginning of our relationship and value me as a person in his life. It is too bad that by the time he realized he might not have such a raw deal after all it was too late.
I guess I should have known all along what was wrong. I mean he made it quite clear in the beginning that it was not what he wanted. But then he stuck around, he married me; I just didn’t think he would do those things if he was still angry that I “trapped” him and he didn’t really want to be with me. I guess I was wrong.
Imagine what might have happened if he had managed to lay that anger and resentment down years ago? What a different course this would have all taken. This is the take-away lesson!
I’m not mad anymore either. I am sad and feel sorry for him. I hope that he goes on to find happiness in his life and maybe a person that he can actually share his heart with. I still don’t know if he is really capable of letting someone in. I guess it is no longer my concern.
I’d still love to talk to George about all this. I wish I could afford it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Still Here
I am still at my desk. The crews are still building bridges and highways.
However I am really lacking motivation to work. We still might be closed down in the next few weeks.
We are currently waiting on the bonding company to take a look at the books and give us the "Yea" or "Nay" as to whether or not they will continue to bond us. Without bonding we can't work so it will be the end.
I feel there is about a 50% chance they will still bond us and that will be at a reduced volume. Not sure what will happen then.
The other job that I had my sights on has never called me back and I even talked to the owner about it so I don't know what that is all about. Bums me out tho.
The good news is I have a lot of money saved up and I have a practically free place to live if I need it. So I am not really worried. In fact, right now is a good time for more change. Everything is changing and that may be just what I need.
However I am really lacking motivation to work. We still might be closed down in the next few weeks.
We are currently waiting on the bonding company to take a look at the books and give us the "Yea" or "Nay" as to whether or not they will continue to bond us. Without bonding we can't work so it will be the end.
I feel there is about a 50% chance they will still bond us and that will be at a reduced volume. Not sure what will happen then.
The other job that I had my sights on has never called me back and I even talked to the owner about it so I don't know what that is all about. Bums me out tho.
The good news is I have a lot of money saved up and I have a practically free place to live if I need it. So I am not really worried. In fact, right now is a good time for more change. Everything is changing and that may be just what I need.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Heart Breaking
Friday I woke up with a new found clarity (see my last post) and Saturday I had a fantastic day with a fantastic man. We biked 44 miles together, longest bicycle ride of his life. (I am so proud of his progress in cycling!) Then we showered quickly and jumped on the motorcycle to meet some friends for lunch. Next we went to a big chicken wing party at the Harley store where the boys talked motorcycles while Sally and I had girl talk and wine. We then went home and baked cookies and fell asleep on the couch together.
Kevin IS my best friend and I am so happy to have him in my life. I have never been happier in a relationship. He is so kind, loving and giving. We are two peas in a pod. My love for him grows greater every single day and unless he is one hell of an actor I have found exactly what I need and want in a mate. I have no reservations about our future together; that is what I want.
I have decided that the last few weeks of me feeling so confused where mostly me adjusting to the idea that Husband has a steady girlfriend who sleeps in our bed, showers in our shower and is falling in love with my husband. I was also hurt at how quickly he replaced me. Seriously it was just eating me alive……if he wanted someone in his life so badly why couldn’t he have chosen me!?!?! Basically I was still stewing on the past and a future I had once dreamed of.
Then I just put it down. I really don’t care that he is dating. I wish he and Roslyn the best. I just had to work through it I guess. So I was feeling better and thinking we could finally get those papers signed.
Then Sunday afternoon I get this text:
“I just had a painful realization today that you are really what I want in life. Hit me hard today. I want to be married to you.” I know my Husband and THIS is his heart finally giving way. The minute I read it I knew it was different. He was with Roslyn (I assumed) since I had our daughter and I suspected he was thinking of me and really not enjoying his time with her. He finally REALLY woke up! (BTDT)
This morning he showed up at school when I was dropping Beanie off. We walked her to her classroom and kissed her good-bye. Then he followed me to my car and awkwardly told me, with tears in his eyes that he spent the day Sunday with Roslyn and realized it was not where he wanted to be, that he really does love me and want me to be his wife. He then hugged me and was crying on my shoulder. I could feel him shaking. It was so sad. I felt so sorry for him but not IN love with him. This was the first time EVER I have truly believed he does love me. It is the first time ever I think he did too.
What a fucking mess!
I have been thinking about this all day………
I think he went and got a girlfriend as fast as he could as soon as he found out I had a boyfriend in his never ending desire to “win”. I think that as long as she was a secret from me he felt good to be pulling one over on me and he was kind of enjoying the game of it all. I do not think he was worried about our marriage at all. I think it was more about him feeling that I had no power over his feelings and that he would be just fine without me because he could replace me with ease.
Then when I found out about her and was crushed I think it surprised him. I think he thought I was more detached than that. I think he thought HE was more detached than that. The fact that she was in our marriage bed didn't help my reaction one bit and I know it made him feel like a piece of shit that I happen to show up at his house while she was sleeping in our bedroom and THAT is how I found out she even existed.
Suddenly the walls crashed down. I had my mini breakdown but now feel I have recovered because I have been detaching for some time now and I have Kevin. BUT poor Husband has finally put down his anger of all these years: his determination to not let me win, to not give in to my pregnancy or the fact that he didn’t choose me and now he has finally realized he does love me and at the same moment realized it is too late. Now the girlfriend is no fun and for the first time the end of our marriage is a reality for to him.
I feel so bad for him.
I want to get the papers signed before I lose my job but I don’t want to be mean and bring it up again right now. I have no idea what to do next. I even called George to make an appointment but then thought better of it and hung up. I kind of need that $50 right now.
Kevin IS my best friend and I am so happy to have him in my life. I have never been happier in a relationship. He is so kind, loving and giving. We are two peas in a pod. My love for him grows greater every single day and unless he is one hell of an actor I have found exactly what I need and want in a mate. I have no reservations about our future together; that is what I want.
I have decided that the last few weeks of me feeling so confused where mostly me adjusting to the idea that Husband has a steady girlfriend who sleeps in our bed, showers in our shower and is falling in love with my husband. I was also hurt at how quickly he replaced me. Seriously it was just eating me alive……if he wanted someone in his life so badly why couldn’t he have chosen me!?!?! Basically I was still stewing on the past and a future I had once dreamed of.
Then I just put it down. I really don’t care that he is dating. I wish he and Roslyn the best. I just had to work through it I guess. So I was feeling better and thinking we could finally get those papers signed.
Then Sunday afternoon I get this text:
“I just had a painful realization today that you are really what I want in life. Hit me hard today. I want to be married to you.” I know my Husband and THIS is his heart finally giving way. The minute I read it I knew it was different. He was with Roslyn (I assumed) since I had our daughter and I suspected he was thinking of me and really not enjoying his time with her. He finally REALLY woke up! (BTDT)
This morning he showed up at school when I was dropping Beanie off. We walked her to her classroom and kissed her good-bye. Then he followed me to my car and awkwardly told me, with tears in his eyes that he spent the day Sunday with Roslyn and realized it was not where he wanted to be, that he really does love me and want me to be his wife. He then hugged me and was crying on my shoulder. I could feel him shaking. It was so sad. I felt so sorry for him but not IN love with him. This was the first time EVER I have truly believed he does love me. It is the first time ever I think he did too.
What a fucking mess!
I have been thinking about this all day………
I think he went and got a girlfriend as fast as he could as soon as he found out I had a boyfriend in his never ending desire to “win”. I think that as long as she was a secret from me he felt good to be pulling one over on me and he was kind of enjoying the game of it all. I do not think he was worried about our marriage at all. I think it was more about him feeling that I had no power over his feelings and that he would be just fine without me because he could replace me with ease.
Then when I found out about her and was crushed I think it surprised him. I think he thought I was more detached than that. I think he thought HE was more detached than that. The fact that she was in our marriage bed didn't help my reaction one bit and I know it made him feel like a piece of shit that I happen to show up at his house while she was sleeping in our bedroom and THAT is how I found out she even existed.
Suddenly the walls crashed down. I had my mini breakdown but now feel I have recovered because I have been detaching for some time now and I have Kevin. BUT poor Husband has finally put down his anger of all these years: his determination to not let me win, to not give in to my pregnancy or the fact that he didn’t choose me and now he has finally realized he does love me and at the same moment realized it is too late. Now the girlfriend is no fun and for the first time the end of our marriage is a reality for to him.
I feel so bad for him.
I want to get the papers signed before I lose my job but I don’t want to be mean and bring it up again right now. I have no idea what to do next. I even called George to make an appointment but then thought better of it and hung up. I kind of need that $50 right now.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
How Bad Relationships Change You
Today over at ChumpLady they are talking about how living in a bad marriage can change you.
I really enjoyed this post!
I have been realizing how much I had changed while with my STBX. I am now so happy that the real me can finally come out again! It is taking time but I am remembering who I really am.
I really enjoyed this post!
I have been realizing how much I had changed while with my STBX. I am now so happy that the real me can finally come out again! It is taking time but I am remembering who I really am.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Chump No More
Yesterday I didn’t talk to the STBX at all. That is good.
Last night I was tired but I felt calm and like my head was on straight. Not talking to him is very good for me. I know this.
Divorce is hard and sad and I would not be human if I didn’t have feeling for him. But I need to keep my perspective straight here and not let him confuse me. I always feel BETTER when he is not around!
Still, I keep thinking about everything.
I keep searching for the place that my mind will land and feel that things are right. I have to find my own peace in my mind and heart.
It is really easy to go back in my memory bank and find a memory that makes me realize what a total dick my husband is; TOO EASY. Yet I think that is what I must do right now. Instead of thinking OMG maybe he has changed and I can finally have my chance at a REAL marriage with him. Instead of fantasizing about what might be or could be I need to keep in mind ALL the real things he has done in the last 8 years.
Yes, there were some good times. There were even some great times. BUT there were many, many crappy times too. Shitty things he did that really, no matter what his excuse is now, are not anything anyone should EVER do to another person, especially one they claim to love.
Here are some of my thoughts from today that help give me clarity:
It was late December when we first talked about getting divorced. His very first reaction was to pull his ring off and throw it down and declare “fine, I will start dating”. Now I ask you, is this what a spouse that is truly in love with you would respond with? No I think not.
Then he kicked me out of the bedroom (which was fine with me). During the next few months I was living in the basement, not once did he ever come to my room and want to talk, or beg for a hug or anything. I am POSITIVE if my sig other that I supposedly loved was leaving me and was still in the house where I could go and talk to them. I would have eventually at some point ventured in there and made a scene...out of desperation and heart ache. You know what I mean.
Then after I found a place to move, I started packing. There were a few of my decorative items on the walls and throughout the house that I wanted to keep so I packed them. (Most of it was his because he always wanted things to be HIS way.) I then did some rearranging to fill the gaps, which of course didn’t suit him so he went to the store and purchased a bunch of new things to decorate with. I took one look at some of the items he had picked and where he put then and thought YUCK! I then, feeling that the poor guy just needed some help, (I was an art major at one time) offered to help him decorate. He enthusiastically accepted. I then did some more shopping and rearranging and it turned out really nice. I was impressed at how good the house looked. He paid for all that I bought and returned much of what he purchased. Heck he even fussed over me leaving the curtains in the basement.
Now this is all my long explanation to state that he was overly concerned with the house looking good which I found weird. I mean we never had company and who cares about the basement, etc. And in my mind a grieving spouse would not be in high decoration mode. No no, they would be in bed crying or at least so depressed that they didn’t feel up to decorating yet.
Anyhow, once he confessed to his 3 months of dating Roslyn I started thinking back and I remember about the time they started dating because he didn’t come home one night and he also did some other hanky things. I connected the dots after I found out about her.
The point of the story is this..... I helped him decorate the house so the new GF (that he was already dating at the time) would be impressed with his décor and so the minute I left, she could be invited over.
During the first month they were dating (March & April) husband told me he was too busy at work to talk and had lots of excuses to keep me away from him. I now realize this was so he could “date” her and not have me interrupt.
BUT NOW, I am all he wants and he wants to fix our marriage. And he has not offered to dump the GF or asked me to dump Kevin. No this is his offer word for word:
“It’s not something that I think that either of us is comfortable believing in or committing to yet. We need a little time. We need to spend some time together...to even determine if we even CAN both commit to getting back together. If either of us isn’t committed….it will fail for sure. If you want to try. Lets spend some time together and see if we can get to a starting point. And start again….. we would actually start from a loving place where we both really choose to be together.”
He considers this him begging for another chance!!
And the real kicker is this….when he and I first started dating back in June of 2006, he was already dating another women (who was married) and he cheated on both of us until after I was pregnant and caught them IN BED together and that is when the truth came out. So for about 11 months he happily dated both of us at the same time and kept it under wraps. All the while telling us both he loved us. Add to that the fact that since then he has told me repeatedly that he did NOT love me.
Point is, the man is a piece of shit and I should sign the fucking papers and never look back and just be happy that this chapter of my life is closed. I need to be glad that he gave me a beautiful daughter and fat bank account (I saved up money when he was helping with the bills).
I need to look at it as a learning experience because I have learned a lot. I will never put up with ANYONE ever being so shitty to me again. I have already put my foot down more with Kevin than I ever did with Husband and you know what, he respects me and loves me and cares how I feel and what I think.
Rant OVER! :)
PS - the sun is finally out today and I know that is making everyone feel better.
Last night I was tired but I felt calm and like my head was on straight. Not talking to him is very good for me. I know this.
Divorce is hard and sad and I would not be human if I didn’t have feeling for him. But I need to keep my perspective straight here and not let him confuse me. I always feel BETTER when he is not around!
Still, I keep thinking about everything.
I keep searching for the place that my mind will land and feel that things are right. I have to find my own peace in my mind and heart.
It is really easy to go back in my memory bank and find a memory that makes me realize what a total dick my husband is; TOO EASY. Yet I think that is what I must do right now. Instead of thinking OMG maybe he has changed and I can finally have my chance at a REAL marriage with him. Instead of fantasizing about what might be or could be I need to keep in mind ALL the real things he has done in the last 8 years.
Yes, there were some good times. There were even some great times. BUT there were many, many crappy times too. Shitty things he did that really, no matter what his excuse is now, are not anything anyone should EVER do to another person, especially one they claim to love.
Here are some of my thoughts from today that help give me clarity:
It was late December when we first talked about getting divorced. His very first reaction was to pull his ring off and throw it down and declare “fine, I will start dating”. Now I ask you, is this what a spouse that is truly in love with you would respond with? No I think not.
Then he kicked me out of the bedroom (which was fine with me). During the next few months I was living in the basement, not once did he ever come to my room and want to talk, or beg for a hug or anything. I am POSITIVE if my sig other that I supposedly loved was leaving me and was still in the house where I could go and talk to them. I would have eventually at some point ventured in there and made a scene...out of desperation and heart ache. You know what I mean.
Then after I found a place to move, I started packing. There were a few of my decorative items on the walls and throughout the house that I wanted to keep so I packed them. (Most of it was his because he always wanted things to be HIS way.) I then did some rearranging to fill the gaps, which of course didn’t suit him so he went to the store and purchased a bunch of new things to decorate with. I took one look at some of the items he had picked and where he put then and thought YUCK! I then, feeling that the poor guy just needed some help, (I was an art major at one time) offered to help him decorate. He enthusiastically accepted. I then did some more shopping and rearranging and it turned out really nice. I was impressed at how good the house looked. He paid for all that I bought and returned much of what he purchased. Heck he even fussed over me leaving the curtains in the basement.
Now this is all my long explanation to state that he was overly concerned with the house looking good which I found weird. I mean we never had company and who cares about the basement, etc. And in my mind a grieving spouse would not be in high decoration mode. No no, they would be in bed crying or at least so depressed that they didn’t feel up to decorating yet.
Anyhow, once he confessed to his 3 months of dating Roslyn I started thinking back and I remember about the time they started dating because he didn’t come home one night and he also did some other hanky things. I connected the dots after I found out about her.
The point of the story is this..... I helped him decorate the house so the new GF (that he was already dating at the time) would be impressed with his décor and so the minute I left, she could be invited over.
During the first month they were dating (March & April) husband told me he was too busy at work to talk and had lots of excuses to keep me away from him. I now realize this was so he could “date” her and not have me interrupt.
BUT NOW, I am all he wants and he wants to fix our marriage. And he has not offered to dump the GF or asked me to dump Kevin. No this is his offer word for word:
“It’s not something that I think that either of us is comfortable believing in or committing to yet. We need a little time. We need to spend some time together...to even determine if we even CAN both commit to getting back together. If either of us isn’t committed….it will fail for sure. If you want to try. Lets spend some time together and see if we can get to a starting point. And start again….. we would actually start from a loving place where we both really choose to be together.”
He considers this him begging for another chance!!
And the real kicker is this….when he and I first started dating back in June of 2006, he was already dating another women (who was married) and he cheated on both of us until after I was pregnant and caught them IN BED together and that is when the truth came out. So for about 11 months he happily dated both of us at the same time and kept it under wraps. All the while telling us both he loved us. Add to that the fact that since then he has told me repeatedly that he did NOT love me.
Point is, the man is a piece of shit and I should sign the fucking papers and never look back and just be happy that this chapter of my life is closed. I need to be glad that he gave me a beautiful daughter and fat bank account (I saved up money when he was helping with the bills).
I need to look at it as a learning experience because I have learned a lot. I will never put up with ANYONE ever being so shitty to me again. I have already put my foot down more with Kevin than I ever did with Husband and you know what, he respects me and loves me and cares how I feel and what I think.
Rant OVER! :)
PS - the sun is finally out today and I know that is making everyone feel better.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Worst Run Of My Life
I have to say....I did not see this one coming!
Yesterday Husband and I left the paper signing up in the air. He said "lets think about it over night and we can decide in the morning". To which I agreed.
Last night I did my 25 mile bike ride with Meghan and Kevin and then slept fine. This morning when I got up to go run I still had not made up my mind about the signing. I just figured I could stew on it until the last minute as I knew Husband was dropping our daughter at school at 8 am and I had until then to decide.
While on my morning run I catch my running partner Meghan up on what is going on. As I talked to her I was really short of breathe. This has happened before and I didn't know why, but now I realize it is only when I talk about Husband and the divorce.
As the run progresses I struggle more and more. I tell her I think I am actually having so much stress and anxiety lately that it is physically effecting me. I mean last fall I was running about 6 miles at a 9 minute pace. Today I struggled to keep it under 10!!
At some point she says "just sign the papers and move on....this is driving you crazy" and I think she is right, I just need to call him and sign the papers today and get it over with. And then I stopped running. I couldn't really move forward. I didn't do it on purpose my body just stopped. I regrouped and started again. Thinking to myself I remembered how relieved I was when I finally moved out and then I thought surely once the papers are signed I will again be relived. SO I then think again "YES I will sign them today" and I stop running. Stand there and feel incapable of running. My body is aching head to toe. I can't breath and my legs are lead. I'm gasping for air and I feel faint. I lean over and hope I don't pass out. I try to control my breathing but I can't.
We start running again but I am really holding her back so I tell her to go on and she does. I have about 2 miles to go and now I am alone. I keep thinking about the papers and I stuggle to run at all. "I KNOW I need to sign them." I stop again and bust out crying.
Why is this so hard!?!?!?! WHY am I so week. I am an emotional cripple. I can't stand up for myself. Husband has proven over and over again that he is a selfish liar. I don't want him back yet I still feel like I am giving up. Like I am a loser. Like I should have tried harder. Like if there is any chance I cant walk away from it.
Then I mull over the whole idea of actually working on our marriage and I KNOW that won't work so I need to sign the papers. I just cry and cry.
I finally get back to the parking lot but I can't talk at all. I feel like I am going to faint again. I catch my breath and make it to my car.
This is so stupid!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Epiphany
For the last few weeks Husband has been talking to me. He has been texting me and answering his phone when I call. He has even called me just for the hell of it. He has been emailing me a bunch. I have to admit I like it. I also find it confusing as I have stated in the last few posts about what is going on.
He is doing it because he hopes we will get back together. But today it hit me, that is not my motive!!
I do like the idea of not being divorced. I do like the thought of things working out between us and we are finally a happy married couple. I also know that is NOT going to happen. I have no doubt in my mind that we will get divorced sometime in the near future. The fantasy is there but I know it is a fantasy.
Honestly, I don't want HIM...I really don't. He is a liar and I would never feel safe with him. I know this!
I find myself wanting to stall the divorce though, not to reconcile, but just so he will keep talking to me. It just hit me today that for 8 years he has shut me out and now, in the past few weeks he is actually talking to me. Really talking to me. Telling me all kinds of things about his feelings, our marriage, our past. He is sharing himself with me for the first time in our relationship and I like it. I have hungered for it....FOR YEARS. I like hearing him say things that make sense to me and explain things that happened in the past.
I feel like I am using him at this point. I feel like I am betraying Kevin. I want to stop but I feel so compelled to keep up the dialogue because it is so cathartic.
Today he told me that he used to act "short" with me when I would return from home from a run on Sunday morning (years ago when I would rush home at 7 am in an attempt to not upset him) because he was jealous that I was out running and resented even watching our daughter for a few hours so I could exercise. He told me he wasn't ready for fatherhood and really resented it for the longest time. He held a grudge the whole time we were married feeling that I had forced him to be a parent when it wasn't what he wanted, so he was angry EVERY time he watched her!!
I knew this deep down but it was never discussed. If I tried to discuss you know he was evasive or lied. It is actually very selfish behavior and he should be ashamed. On the other hand if you love someone you tell them things you are ashamed of. Real relationship share the good, the bad and the ugly. That is something he would never do.
I feel shitty but I think I may put off signing the papers for another week. Just so he will keep talking to me a while longer. Now that I have a better grasp on why I am doing it I don't think it will be so confusing.
Am I just being an asshole now?
He is doing it because he hopes we will get back together. But today it hit me, that is not my motive!!
I do like the idea of not being divorced. I do like the thought of things working out between us and we are finally a happy married couple. I also know that is NOT going to happen. I have no doubt in my mind that we will get divorced sometime in the near future. The fantasy is there but I know it is a fantasy.
Honestly, I don't want HIM...I really don't. He is a liar and I would never feel safe with him. I know this!
I find myself wanting to stall the divorce though, not to reconcile, but just so he will keep talking to me. It just hit me today that for 8 years he has shut me out and now, in the past few weeks he is actually talking to me. Really talking to me. Telling me all kinds of things about his feelings, our marriage, our past. He is sharing himself with me for the first time in our relationship and I like it. I have hungered for it....FOR YEARS. I like hearing him say things that make sense to me and explain things that happened in the past.
I feel like I am using him at this point. I feel like I am betraying Kevin. I want to stop but I feel so compelled to keep up the dialogue because it is so cathartic.
Today he told me that he used to act "short" with me when I would return from home from a run on Sunday morning (years ago when I would rush home at 7 am in an attempt to not upset him) because he was jealous that I was out running and resented even watching our daughter for a few hours so I could exercise. He told me he wasn't ready for fatherhood and really resented it for the longest time. He held a grudge the whole time we were married feeling that I had forced him to be a parent when it wasn't what he wanted, so he was angry EVERY time he watched her!!
I knew this deep down but it was never discussed. If I tried to discuss you know he was evasive or lied. It is actually very selfish behavior and he should be ashamed. On the other hand if you love someone you tell them things you are ashamed of. Real relationship share the good, the bad and the ugly. That is something he would never do.
I feel shitty but I think I may put off signing the papers for another week. Just so he will keep talking to me a while longer. Now that I have a better grasp on why I am doing it I don't think it will be so confusing.
Am I just being an asshole now?
Road Trip
I am so excited. My super sweet Kevin told me he has always wanted to visit Memphis and Graceland. I never really had a hankering to go there, but I have heard great things about Memphis and I have no doubt that visiting Gracelast would be fun even if it does sound kind of cheesy. (we both think it's cheesy)
SO....my dear sweet man has reserved this cabin for my birthday weekend (end of August). We talked about camping but decided the cabin would be fun and more of an adventure than just getting a hotel room. We plan on riding the motorcycle down for a fun filled weekend vacation. I can't wait!!
I also love the fact that it is so easy to plan stuff with him. We discuss, agree and then he books it. So refreshing!
I know we will have a great trip.....we just enjoy each other's company so much.
Oh and he LOVES barbeque so I am sure we will having some yummy barbeque dinners.
SO....my dear sweet man has reserved this cabin for my birthday weekend (end of August). We talked about camping but decided the cabin would be fun and more of an adventure than just getting a hotel room. We plan on riding the motorcycle down for a fun filled weekend vacation. I can't wait!!
I also love the fact that it is so easy to plan stuff with him. We discuss, agree and then he books it. So refreshing!
I know we will have a great trip.....we just enjoy each other's company so much.
Oh and he LOVES barbeque so I am sure we will having some yummy barbeque dinners.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Husband
I am really struggling right now. Husband has been more open, responsive and emotional. I am wondering if he really is trying to change. Maybe he really does love me?
I keep hearing a voice inside my head saying "He is your husband you cant turn your back on him, you have to give him another chance."
He is my husband, the father of my daughter!
He is begging me to come back and it is weighing me down so much. (and keeping me awake at night) I feel like he is driving me crazy all over again. I am sick to my stomach. I am so scared to pass up a chance if there is one.
Over the last few years when I desperately wanted him to work on our marriage he was not interested and now he is just begging to fix it all. He keeps saying we want the same thing and he will change....is going to be a better person, etc.
What if this was the wake up call he needed to change and let me in and have a real marriage?
FUCK THIS SUCKS!!!
I keep hearing a voice inside my head saying "He is your husband you cant turn your back on him, you have to give him another chance."
He is my husband, the father of my daughter!
He is begging me to come back and it is weighing me down so much. (and keeping me awake at night) I feel like he is driving me crazy all over again. I am sick to my stomach. I am so scared to pass up a chance if there is one.
Over the last few years when I desperately wanted him to work on our marriage he was not interested and now he is just begging to fix it all. He keeps saying we want the same thing and he will change....is going to be a better person, etc.
What if this was the wake up call he needed to change and let me in and have a real marriage?
FUCK THIS SUCKS!!!
Monday, June 9, 2014
Weekend
Saturday morning it was rainy outside so I didn’t go run. Instead Kevin and I went to visit Friss; which of course went well since they are my two favorite people IN THE WORLD!
Saturday afternoon the sun came out and it turned out to be rather pretty.
Saturday around 7 p.m. my soon to be ex Husband dropped off our daughter and handed me her wet shoes. He gave me a hug and a kiss (he aimed for lips but I was kind of dodgy) and said I love you quit sincerely. I have mixed feeling about him being so sweet. Then my daughter dissolved into tears as he pulled away from my house.
I gathered her up on my lap and held her as she sobbed. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted to stay with Daddy and Roslyn because they were having so much fun. She said they told her she could stay until I called and then I called and she cried right there by Roslyn.
I comforted her and told her it was time for her to come home and that I didn’t mean to spoil her fun. She calmed down after a bit and then told me what she had done all day. They made necklaces together, Roslyn helped and Daddy gave her a special key to hang on hers. They hiked at the state park and even went downtown for ice cream. “Roslyn got peach mango, I got chocolate and Daddy got coffee of course.”
Hold up there.....“Daddy got ice cream?” I asked. She said “yes”! I thought to myself BUT he NEVER gets ice cream (anorexic)….GRRRR.
I asked her what Roslyn looks like and she told me she was wearing a dress and flip-flops, that her hair is red and curly and was in a braid, that she has a whole lot of really cute freckles. Husband told me she is a runner so I assume she has a cute little figure.
This was all rather crushing to me. First that she was crying, second that he was love bombing my kid with the new girlfriend there and finally because they were behaving like a happy little family….you know like my dream come true. Yes I felt jealous. All I really ever wanted was him to show me love and attention.
Beanie also told me that he dropped the GF off at the grocery store so he could drive her over to my house while GF picked up a few things and then he was going to go back and pick her up so they could go home and make dinner. (Evidently she stayed at his house….well my house….the whole weekend.) (also....It stabbed me that she was in his car. I never rode in his car. We never went anywhere together except to visit his folks about 6 times a year.)
OK – I know…I have Kevin so STBXH can have someone too. I get that. But does he have to get the kid in the mix? Isn't this all a bit too much...too soon??? Really for the most part, I have kept Kevin away from Beanie or at least kept it low key on purpose. I don’t want to force him into my daughter’s life yet or my STBX Husbands face.
Long story short the rest of the weekend was fighting, crying, arguing and a bunch of BS. I KNOW he was trying to push my buttons and it worked. I am still not fully emotionally detached like I would like to be.
I can’t help but feel something when I tell Husband it upsets me that he is spending the day like a happy little family and then he is quick to tell me that he would treat me right if I would just come back; that he is working to be a better person. That he wants to change if not for me then for the next woman. I know that it’s too late but it still jabs at me in the gut.
I left because he didn’t show me any love or attention, not because I had no feelings for him so this is still a bit hard for me.
It hurts that he is trying to give her what I wanted and he would not give me. Him saying he would give it to me now really doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel worse.
Husband keeps telling me he wants what I want and that we need to try again….with a fresh start. I know it is TOO LATE and that makes me sad. I wish he could have wanted to change before it got so fucked up. I guess I should have threatened to leave before I found Kevin so Husband would wake up and change if he had it in him. But who knows, maybe he wouldn’t have believed me. Maybe he would have said fine let’s get divorced. It is always so hard to know what I SHOULD do.
Kevin has been sweet and supportive but this is hard on him too. The whole thing is a mess. This is why you shouldn’t overlap relationships.
BTW – divorce sucks!
Saturday afternoon the sun came out and it turned out to be rather pretty.
Saturday around 7 p.m. my soon to be ex Husband dropped off our daughter and handed me her wet shoes. He gave me a hug and a kiss (he aimed for lips but I was kind of dodgy) and said I love you quit sincerely. I have mixed feeling about him being so sweet. Then my daughter dissolved into tears as he pulled away from my house.
I gathered her up on my lap and held her as she sobbed. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted to stay with Daddy and Roslyn because they were having so much fun. She said they told her she could stay until I called and then I called and she cried right there by Roslyn.
I comforted her and told her it was time for her to come home and that I didn’t mean to spoil her fun. She calmed down after a bit and then told me what she had done all day. They made necklaces together, Roslyn helped and Daddy gave her a special key to hang on hers. They hiked at the state park and even went downtown for ice cream. “Roslyn got peach mango, I got chocolate and Daddy got coffee of course.”
Hold up there.....“Daddy got ice cream?” I asked. She said “yes”! I thought to myself BUT he NEVER gets ice cream (anorexic)….GRRRR.
I asked her what Roslyn looks like and she told me she was wearing a dress and flip-flops, that her hair is red and curly and was in a braid, that she has a whole lot of really cute freckles. Husband told me she is a runner so I assume she has a cute little figure.
This was all rather crushing to me. First that she was crying, second that he was love bombing my kid with the new girlfriend there and finally because they were behaving like a happy little family….you know like my dream come true. Yes I felt jealous. All I really ever wanted was him to show me love and attention.
Beanie also told me that he dropped the GF off at the grocery store so he could drive her over to my house while GF picked up a few things and then he was going to go back and pick her up so they could go home and make dinner. (Evidently she stayed at his house….well my house….the whole weekend.) (also....It stabbed me that she was in his car. I never rode in his car. We never went anywhere together except to visit his folks about 6 times a year.)
OK – I know…I have Kevin so STBXH can have someone too. I get that. But does he have to get the kid in the mix? Isn't this all a bit too much...too soon??? Really for the most part, I have kept Kevin away from Beanie or at least kept it low key on purpose. I don’t want to force him into my daughter’s life yet or my STBX Husbands face.
Long story short the rest of the weekend was fighting, crying, arguing and a bunch of BS. I KNOW he was trying to push my buttons and it worked. I am still not fully emotionally detached like I would like to be.
I can’t help but feel something when I tell Husband it upsets me that he is spending the day like a happy little family and then he is quick to tell me that he would treat me right if I would just come back; that he is working to be a better person. That he wants to change if not for me then for the next woman. I know that it’s too late but it still jabs at me in the gut.
I left because he didn’t show me any love or attention, not because I had no feelings for him so this is still a bit hard for me.
It hurts that he is trying to give her what I wanted and he would not give me. Him saying he would give it to me now really doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel worse.
Husband keeps telling me he wants what I want and that we need to try again….with a fresh start. I know it is TOO LATE and that makes me sad. I wish he could have wanted to change before it got so fucked up. I guess I should have threatened to leave before I found Kevin so Husband would wake up and change if he had it in him. But who knows, maybe he wouldn’t have believed me. Maybe he would have said fine let’s get divorced. It is always so hard to know what I SHOULD do.
Kevin has been sweet and supportive but this is hard on him too. The whole thing is a mess. This is why you shouldn’t overlap relationships.
BTW – divorce sucks!
Friday, June 6, 2014
Blog Find!
Today I found this blog called Psychopaths and Love.
I have really enjoyed reading it today. It's chocked full of good information, much of which I feel relates to my relationship with my husband.
I do not think my husband is a "full-blown" Psychopath but I do believe he has control issues and emotional fears that manifest themselves as covert emotional manipulation of those around him.
In other words, rather than deal with people on an authentic caring level and risk suffering some emotional pain of his own, he chooses to emotionally manipulate the people in his life so he can have things just the way he wants them all the time. I don't think it is all calculated and carefully plotted. I do however think he knows exactly what he is doing as he has honed his skills over many years of practice. And doing this makes him feel safe so he has no interest in changing it. He thinks he has things figured out to his advantage. What's he call it?..... "Gaming the System" I believe. He thinks it's smart to control the people around him by manipulation.
I truly believe he is not capable of real love; it is just too risky. I do think he wants to have a family and a real relationship but he is just not willing to except the emotional exposure that that would entail.
In some ways I was perfect for him because I was filling the wife slot in his family but no longer demanding a REAL relationship. I just stayed out of his way and let him do his thing. I think that is why he was willing to "look the other way" when it was pretty obvious I was getting involved with another man. Besides, the confrontation of my affair would have meant he had to talk to me about our intimacy, or lack of, and he hated to do that. He told me he didn't think I would ever leave. That is how arrogant he is.
Anyway, in the end, his inability to truly connect has lost him wife number two and forced him to go out and find another women to sleep with. I know he really hates going out and finding one, but he loves sex so he gets out there and procures a partner. Right now she thinks he is great. But really he is using her for sex and he will keep her around as long as she is willing to stay and doesn't expect much from him in return. He will keep her around not because he loves her (even if he says it) but because he loves to ejaculate.
Any how....He thinks he has life by the balls but really he is missing out on the best things in life.
I have really enjoyed reading it today. It's chocked full of good information, much of which I feel relates to my relationship with my husband.
I do not think my husband is a "full-blown" Psychopath but I do believe he has control issues and emotional fears that manifest themselves as covert emotional manipulation of those around him.
In other words, rather than deal with people on an authentic caring level and risk suffering some emotional pain of his own, he chooses to emotionally manipulate the people in his life so he can have things just the way he wants them all the time. I don't think it is all calculated and carefully plotted. I do however think he knows exactly what he is doing as he has honed his skills over many years of practice. And doing this makes him feel safe so he has no interest in changing it. He thinks he has things figured out to his advantage. What's he call it?..... "Gaming the System" I believe. He thinks it's smart to control the people around him by manipulation.
I truly believe he is not capable of real love; it is just too risky. I do think he wants to have a family and a real relationship but he is just not willing to except the emotional exposure that that would entail.
In some ways I was perfect for him because I was filling the wife slot in his family but no longer demanding a REAL relationship. I just stayed out of his way and let him do his thing. I think that is why he was willing to "look the other way" when it was pretty obvious I was getting involved with another man. Besides, the confrontation of my affair would have meant he had to talk to me about our intimacy, or lack of, and he hated to do that. He told me he didn't think I would ever leave. That is how arrogant he is.
Anyway, in the end, his inability to truly connect has lost him wife number two and forced him to go out and find another women to sleep with. I know he really hates going out and finding one, but he loves sex so he gets out there and procures a partner. Right now she thinks he is great. But really he is using her for sex and he will keep her around as long as she is willing to stay and doesn't expect much from him in return. He will keep her around not because he loves her (even if he says it) but because he loves to ejaculate.
Any how....He thinks he has life by the balls but really he is missing out on the best things in life.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
8 ways to spot emotional manipulation and protect yourself from it:
1.There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator.
You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit – it probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.
If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree – that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “ok thanks” – they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front – or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3. Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so “forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.
They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty.
They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em – only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor!
No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them.
When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find some way to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.
They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
________________________
Found this article today. It is 100% my husband!!! I want to take this to George and say "Look....this is what I have been living with!"
I know I am moving on but it doesn't change the fact that I want to understand what happened and who he is and better ways to deal with these types of people.
You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit – it probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.
If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree – that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “ok thanks” – they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front – or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3. Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so “forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.
They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty.
They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em – only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor!
No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them.
When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find some way to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.
They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
________________________
Found this article today. It is 100% my husband!!! I want to take this to George and say "Look....this is what I have been living with!"
I know I am moving on but it doesn't change the fact that I want to understand what happened and who he is and better ways to deal with these types of people.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Peace
Last night at a bit past 8 pm, Husband came over to talk about the papers. There was a weird moment not too long after he arrived where he pulled out the papers, asked for a pen and acted like we were going have this super important business meeting. Then, all of a sudden, he just set them down and said "I'll sign them". And that was that.
Maybe he was giving up? Maybe he had planned a big meeting and discussion and then decided he didn't have the energy for it? Maybe it was some symbolic gesture he felt compelled to make? It doesn't really matter.
Then we just sat there and talked until 10 pm when the time felt right and he left. I don't remember a single thing we said but I know it was all good. We exchange positive, loving feelings. It was cathartic and we both needed it. We held each other and it felt comforting. I think we have finally AGREED to start a new chapter in our lives. It was like he finally decided I wasn't the enemy and he didn't have to "win".
We parted feeling satisfied if not happy. We parted feeling a certain peace that this is where we both want to go next. It was good and I am glad it happened.
Maybe he was giving up? Maybe he had planned a big meeting and discussion and then decided he didn't have the energy for it? Maybe it was some symbolic gesture he felt compelled to make? It doesn't really matter.
Then we just sat there and talked until 10 pm when the time felt right and he left. I don't remember a single thing we said but I know it was all good. We exchange positive, loving feelings. It was cathartic and we both needed it. We held each other and it felt comforting. I think we have finally AGREED to start a new chapter in our lives. It was like he finally decided I wasn't the enemy and he didn't have to "win".
We parted feeling satisfied if not happy. We parted feeling a certain peace that this is where we both want to go next. It was good and I am glad it happened.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
He Wants Off this Emotional Roller Coaster!
This morning I sent him one of the sections of the divorce papers that I revised to suit him per our conversations about it last Thursday and Friday. I actually wrote up the changes on Friday but did not send them since we were already exhausted from talking and I was trying to be nice.
He responded with obvious annoyance and announced that he really needed to work when he was in the office. That we would have to talk some other time. He has however only wanted to talk to me on nights he has our daughter and after she goes to bed. So he is cool if I come over at 9 pm to start talking about the "papers".
Last time I did this I was tired and grumpy and it didn't go well. I am crap in the evenings. I am usually exhausted and worthless. I am prone to be impatient or feel crushed.
He always wants things his way. He is a spoiled rotten SURVIVING only child. (His sister died as an infant.) He really struggles to ever understand other people's need and feelings.
So we bicker back and forth a bit and then I piece it all together. You see, he wants to talk about getting back together, not getting divorced. I keep telling him it is too late and then he gets angry. I then back off because I don't want to fight and have been trained to keep the peace. Besides, all I ever wanted was to have a happy marriage so when he tries to make it out now that I am the bad guy that won't reconcile it really chaps my ass. (And feels confusing.)
So....for one week now he has decided that we should get back together. I mean he has really been trying to steer things to reconciliation. For one blasted week. I have not been 100% on board with the idea and have reminded him that Kevin and his "nice girl" are involved now so how is it even possible to start over with this new wonderful marriage you want?
Then he says "All it takes is two people who want to work on their marriage. Lately we have done all this talking…..and working….and wanting….but……nothing. I would do anything for it….but not if you don’t feel the same. It’s a terrible roller coaster of hope and loss. Ugghh."
So after one week he is tired of trying to make our marriage work. AFTER ONE WEEK HE WANTS OFF THE ROLLER COASTER!! I think I tried a lot longer than he did (years).....just saying.
For some reason, HE doesn’t seem to understand that dragging his "nice girl" into this only made things worse. I guess he would happily throw her aside if I said lets go?
He always makes it out like everything is my fault. Now it is all my fault we are not fixing this marriage. He has shifted all the blame to me and I am not really up to taking it.
This is what I keep thinking when he blames me:
I wish he would have acted like he cared BEFORE I gave up on us last summer.
I wish he would have acted like he cared BEFORE I moved out.
I wish he would have acted like he cared BEFORE he started dating another person.
NOW HE IS GUNG HO TO FIX THINGS!!!!
SERIOUSLY!!?!?!
And he thinks I suck because I think it is too late????
UGH
He responded with obvious annoyance and announced that he really needed to work when he was in the office. That we would have to talk some other time. He has however only wanted to talk to me on nights he has our daughter and after she goes to bed. So he is cool if I come over at 9 pm to start talking about the "papers".
Last time I did this I was tired and grumpy and it didn't go well. I am crap in the evenings. I am usually exhausted and worthless. I am prone to be impatient or feel crushed.
He always wants things his way. He is a spoiled rotten SURVIVING only child. (His sister died as an infant.) He really struggles to ever understand other people's need and feelings.
So we bicker back and forth a bit and then I piece it all together. You see, he wants to talk about getting back together, not getting divorced. I keep telling him it is too late and then he gets angry. I then back off because I don't want to fight and have been trained to keep the peace. Besides, all I ever wanted was to have a happy marriage so when he tries to make it out now that I am the bad guy that won't reconcile it really chaps my ass. (And feels confusing.)
So....for one week now he has decided that we should get back together. I mean he has really been trying to steer things to reconciliation. For one blasted week. I have not been 100% on board with the idea and have reminded him that Kevin and his "nice girl" are involved now so how is it even possible to start over with this new wonderful marriage you want?
Then he says "All it takes is two people who want to work on their marriage. Lately we have done all this talking…..and working….and wanting….but……nothing. I would do anything for it….but not if you don’t feel the same. It’s a terrible roller coaster of hope and loss. Ugghh."
So after one week he is tired of trying to make our marriage work. AFTER ONE WEEK HE WANTS OFF THE ROLLER COASTER!! I think I tried a lot longer than he did (years).....just saying.
For some reason, HE doesn’t seem to understand that dragging his "nice girl" into this only made things worse. I guess he would happily throw her aside if I said lets go?
He always makes it out like everything is my fault. Now it is all my fault we are not fixing this marriage. He has shifted all the blame to me and I am not really up to taking it.
This is what I keep thinking when he blames me:
I wish he would have acted like he cared BEFORE I gave up on us last summer.
I wish he would have acted like he cared BEFORE I moved out.
I wish he would have acted like he cared BEFORE he started dating another person.
NOW HE IS GUNG HO TO FIX THINGS!!!!
SERIOUSLY!!?!?!
And he thinks I suck because I think it is too late????
UGH
Monday, June 2, 2014
WORDS
He just texted me "I love you"
rather than feel punched in the gut, I am thinking this:
a) you said "I love you" to me when we were dating yet you tell me all the time you didn't love me when I got pregnant.
b) you said you married me because I forced you....threatened to take your daughter away. You said you didn't love me when we got married but did fall in love with me later.
c) you said you loved me from the moment I gave birth to our daughter and have loved me ever since. This actually conflicts with statement b that you made a few months ago.
d) you now say you REALLY DO love me and would do anything to save our marriage. However, you admit you didn't' figure it out until I moved out of the house and you already procured a new fuck buddy.
Obviously he has issues and can't seem to even figure out when he started loving me. He's an idiot. I need to be glad I am rid of him. I need take all these I love you for what they really are....words just words!!
rather than feel punched in the gut, I am thinking this:
a) you said "I love you" to me when we were dating yet you tell me all the time you didn't love me when I got pregnant.
b) you said you married me because I forced you....threatened to take your daughter away. You said you didn't love me when we got married but did fall in love with me later.
c) you said you loved me from the moment I gave birth to our daughter and have loved me ever since. This actually conflicts with statement b that you made a few months ago.
d) you now say you REALLY DO love me and would do anything to save our marriage. However, you admit you didn't' figure it out until I moved out of the house and you already procured a new fuck buddy.
Obviously he has issues and can't seem to even figure out when he started loving me. He's an idiot. I need to be glad I am rid of him. I need take all these I love you for what they really are....words just words!!
LOVE
How do you stop loving someone?
I am tired of feeling like my husband just kicks me in the stomach all the time. I am tired of caring about him at all.....much less loving him. How do I stop loving him?
My head knows better. My brain says "wow, when you are NOT around him life is fine but when he is around you are usually upset, worried, anxious, etc" HE is not good for me and I KNOW it. How do I stop caring???
I am tired of feeling like my husband just kicks me in the stomach all the time. I am tired of caring about him at all.....much less loving him. How do I stop loving him?
My head knows better. My brain says "wow, when you are NOT around him life is fine but when he is around you are usually upset, worried, anxious, etc" HE is not good for me and I KNOW it. How do I stop caring???
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