Communication!

Last weekend my husband went to visit his parents so he was not around at all. I had a nice weekend doing whatever I wanted without having to deal with him at all. It was a nice break and I am actually feeling kindly towards him today.

However, last week I had some ideas that I would like to blog about so here you go…….

My husband is almost always non communicative to me. He doesn’t tell me what is going on in his life or in his head and he doesn’t answer my questions when I try to find out.

This, of course, drives me nuts. I mean really, how can I have a relationship with someone who doesn’t speak to me other than to say “Are you picking up the kid today?”

I am starting to realize that many other problems that I feel we have are just symptoms of this non communication.

For example: My husband is not one to keep to a set schedule. One day he might rise early and leave right away. The next day he will sleep in and then leave right away. The next day he will rise early and linger around the house for hours. The next day he will rise late and linger. Sometimes he showers twice a day and other times he won’t shower for days. All this inconsistency makes me crazy. I think how nice it would be to know what to expect next, you know, so I can plan my time taking into account where he is or what he is doing.

Someone asked me if I think he is up to no good. And honestly, I don’t. But, then I realized that the lack of communication about what is going on makes me feel unstable which may seem like I don’t trust him.

Logically, when someone suddenly acts different, I assume something has changed or something is going on. If I have no idea what changed or what is going on then I become apprehensive.

That seems logical yes?

So him not communicating and him not being predictable just always leaves me on edge. Which, when I put it that way sounds very reasonable. When I say that I hate that he never showers at the same time each day it makes me sound a bit wacky. But that is not the REAL issue. If he would tell me the night before or even first thing when he wakes up what the plan is that would make a huge difference. I would not care if he needed to leave early if he would just give me some warning and explain to me why.

The real issue is that when things make you uneasy you naturally want to do something about it. When life makes you uncomfortable you have the instinct to ask why and to make changes to fix it. The man has me in a perpetual state of uneasy so it is no wonder that I am trying to do something about it and then of course he has no interest in helping me fix the problem.

Last week I actually sent an email to my husband about this and guess what he did. That’s right; he ignored it; even after I asked him more than once to discuss it with me.

Is it any wonder he makes me crazy?

Some Nights

What you need to know:
1) I am a light sleeper.
2) I don't fall back asleep quickly once I have been awakened.
3) My normal bedtime is 9 pm....even on weekends. Hey, i get up early to do my long runs on Saturday. (old, married and boring)

So last night at 9….the house was still a buzz with everyone doing this and that. I wanted to go to sleep but no way with everyone up, lights on etc.
By 9:30 I get some peace. Bean is sleeping. I doze off.
10:15 husband comes to bed and wakes me.
11 pm Bean is kicking me and I can’t sleep. I move her to her bed.
12 pm Bean yells that she can’t find her stuffed toy. I go to help. Can’t find it either…dash back across the house to look in my bed again. Go back to her bed. Finally find it in her bed after all.
1 am Husband wakes me to tell me house is awfully hot. I get up and go across house to reset thermostat.
3:30 am Husband rushes to bathroom throws on the light and makes many bad sounds. I am startled and awake again. He must have eaten something foul but it’s all out of him now!
4:45 Husband’s alarm goes off. He doesn’t wake up. I do. I lay there. My head hurts.
6 am I start the coffee…..take some aspirin and think how effin tired I am.

So, I wanted to do the run this morning really badly, but instead I muddled around the house feeling like I had the flu.

Can’t wait to take a nap!!

Romance and the Over 40 Crowd

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how as you age, what you believe about love, romance and marriage changes; especially after kids, divorce and dating as an “older” person.

Basically, it’s just not as appealing as it was when you were young. Your romantic ooy-gooey fantasies have been replaces with the realities of life. Relationships are hard and only get harder as you age.

The young girl dreams of the day she will marry the perfect man and have adorable children. In her mind she imagines how wonderful it will all be. Later, when the teenager wrecks the car, AGAIN, the husband is long gone and the boyfriend drives her nuts, she will look back at her twenties and think “Wow, I was so young and naive!”

Once divorced, many older people don’t want to get married again. This is not because they are bitter or are afraid to love….this is because they weigh relationships and see both the risk and the benefits of those relationships. They view it all more practically and less emotionally than young people do.

Take my mother for example. When my parents got divorced she was about 45 years old and stuck with two younger kids full time. She was reaching menopause and no longer a hot young chick. She had some money so she didn’t have to glob onto a man for support. She dated for a few years and then just quit. I remember when I was a teen I wondered why she would choose to be “all alone”. Now, that I am older I totally understand why she chose to be single. She dated, met one loser after another and finally said to herself “I am just better off without these guys”. And she was right.

Health concerns as we age can come into play too. I also remember when my mother dated an older man that she was pretty crazy about, but he had health issues. I know she worried that she would end up changing his pants and spoon feeding him in a few years; or go broke paying for his healthcare. She eventually broke up with him because she was not willing to sign up for that.

Also, it can be really difficult to combine two households when people are older and set in their ways. When my husband and I moved in together we disagreed about everything. I’m talking laundry, dishes, housekeeping, auto maintenance, even lighting. I didn’t want to do things his way and vice versa. We each had our own way of doing things that we had honed over the years and we liked them. Since then, I have learned to get over the fact that my husband leaves every light in the house on when he is home even if he is not using a particular room and has no plans to use it. Hey he just might go back in that room! I still think it’s stupid tho…but I had to let it go.

I firmly believe that most men don’t like being married, but when they are young, they do it anyway because it is expected and because they want a family. Once you get past the kids though, most men mainly want women for sex and that is about it. (Oh and it would be great if they would clean up after them too.) But then they think…is it worth the price of having someone around all the time…someone to deal with 24/7 for the rest of their lives? Putting up with other peoples teenagers? They tend to think not. Why the hell do you think George Clooney is still single!?!?!

My brother is over 40, divorced, dating a nice girl who is overweight, has two teenagers and can’t hold down a job. She would love to marry my brother but my brother wants none of it. I get that. Why does he stick with her then you might wonder? Well, she puts out and asks for very little in return. It’s easy for him. He fixes her stuff if he feels like it and tells her no if he does not. He sleeps with her when he is horny and can forget about her if he wants to go out to dinner with another woman. Why does my brother’s girlfriend put up with all this from him? Why doesn’t she demand more? Well, she is overweight, has two teenagers and can’t hold down a job. Men are not lining up to date her. She gets sex and her car fixed by my brother which she is grateful for and she knows that is probably all she can expect at this point.

Let’s not forget financial Issues too. Marriage when you are older also brings up issues of inheritance. Do you want your Dad to remarry when he is 60 and then if he dies the new wife gets everything and you and your siblings get nothing? It happens all the time. My father is remarried and I fully expect that when he passes his wife will keep it all and when she passes it will go to HER kids. (Pop is older than his wife and in poor health.) Heck, even if you don’t care if you get the inheritance, maybe your father does. Yes a prenup would help, but most people don’t have a prenup and consider it a negative way to start a marriage. Older people figure it is just as well they not get married.

I’m not saying young people should not have their dreams, I’m just saying that young people should understand that older people see it all a bit differently than they do. It’s not bad or sad; it’s just how the world works.

Confirmed!! I Am Not Crazy!!!

Conversation between me and my husband’s assistant at work.

Me: I knew he went in early on several mornings a few weeks ago because the BIG BOSS had him on a big project. No big deal. I have had jobs where I was expected to get projects done and it forced me to go in early or stay late. I suppose I don’t really case so much about where he is specifically. It is more about the fact that he acts evasive. That he doesn’t just tell me what is going on. It always makes me feel uneasy. So to calm that unease I try to figure out what is going on. I really don’t think he is off having an affair but on some base level I feel I must try and keep up and not let too much slide by me. I feel foolish if I am clueless. Make sense?

Her: Totally makes sense. I’ve always told him that he can’t act like that—it makes someone lose trust in another person. I think it stems back from him hiding so much from his parents. He got away with that so he feels like that’s the way to make people happy. In reality, most people would be much happier if he was just honest and open with them. He can be annoying…and as someone who has known him a long time…I definitely understand what you’re saying. You’re not crazy for feeling that way. And you definitely should keep on top of things—I know he’s not doing anything he shouldn’t, but still.

Thank you very much for completely understanding where i am coming from. I do feel better. NOW, if he would understand.

Alarm Clocks

This morning my husband’s alarm clock went off at 4:30 am. AGAIN. I wanted to throttle the man. I had nicely asked him just last Friday to please NOT set the alarm so early unless he really needed to get up early.

See for the last few weeks he has had an alarm on his watch go off at 4:30. It beeps a little electronic beep–beep-beep, for what feels like an eternity, and then it stops on its own. Every time it does this, he sleeps right through it, or maybe wakes for a moment and then goes back to sleep. I however, cannot go right back to sleep after I am awakened so I end up lying there while he snores and wondering why the heck he had to wake me.

This is not the first time he has made me crazy with early morning alarms. He previously had an old alarm clock that used to be his Granny’s. He would set it to buzz and play super loud music. It sounded terrible and LOUD. It could wake the whole house. And when he was in the right (or wrong) mood he would set it for 4 am…stating he didn’t want to sleep so much.

A while back I snuck into the alarm clock and snipped the wire that connected to the speaker. I put the clock back and never told a soul. I assumed the husband would think the old clock finally died. BUT, in an odd twist, he NEVER set the alarm again. The clock part still worked.

Eventually, the power went out and I didn’t reset the time and after watching that old clock blinking red meaningless numbers for a week. I unplugged it and pitched in the back of the closet; where it still resides today. (I really should just deposit it in the trash!)

I have been using my alarm app in my phone for years and that is how I was managing my wake up calls. I generally get up around 5 and that wakes the husband. This system was working fine until recently.

Why all of a sudden does he have to do something different? Why does he feel compelled to set an alarm so early when he doesn’t have to be at work until 8 or 9 (I honestly don’t know his start time). Even if he is going to the gym, he never leaves the house until 6:30 or so. I just don’t get it. And, when I ask he doesn’t give much of an explanation.

Today we email discussed it and he has agreed to set his watch alarm for 4:45. Mostly that is ok with me since I do get up at that time on Tuesday and Thursday for my group runs. However, on the days I don’t run, I sometimes like to sleep in and now he will be waking me. I am fairly sure he will just lie in bed for another 30 minutes.

My solution to this is to just get up and find something productive to do. I really hate just wasting an hour or two in the morning. I am not a linger-in-bed person. I would go into work early but I can’t drop off my daughter until 7.

From a broader perspective, the fact that after all these years, we have not arrived at a suitable, reliable system that works for us both is rather sad. And, the fact that he can’t just discuss what his needs and wants are with me so we can mutually agree on a solution is also troublesome. He seems to decide he is going to do this or that and then just imposes it on me all of a sudden. I am a creature of habit and like things to be predictable. I just wish he would tell me what is going on and why. That doesn’t seem like a lot to ask. He appears to love to mix it up and change the rules every time I start to feel relaxed. So frustrating for me.

It Sure Feels Like Monday

Monday’s always seem hard. Wait, that’s not right……..it is the weekend that is hard and then Monday I spend all day trying to recover. And no I am not recovering from wild partying; I am recovering from two whole days with my husband. (I know, it’s sad.)

There were no fights this weekend. We accomplished all the scheduled activities; even having a babysitter for the first time in a long time so we could go out as a couple. Naturally you would expect that this would leave me feeling joy; but, sadly, it’s just not that simple. In fact my disappointment is just increasing at this point.

Saturday night we went to two separate going away parties. My husband actually bought some much needed new jeans and made a big effort to look nice for these outings. He did everything I asked of him. We stopped and got cash out of his ATM when I said we would need some. We stopped and got mixers for the second party and he got me whatever I wanted. He was friendly and outgoing and did his best to be nice and sociable at both places. He is actually very good at working a room and making chit chat with strangers.

BUT, here’s the thing, it’s not like it was fun. It’s not like we enjoyed each other’s company. It’s not like we laughed or talked or had a good time. He tagged along and behaved. Woopy.

This is why we never go out socially. This is why I am so bored and lonely and just stay home most of the time. Or I choose to go out with friends without him which can certainly lead to trouble. I mean really if you are forever spending your life out with others you might as well be single. You know?

The long and short of it is, you can ask a person to do this or that for you but you can’t make them like it. And this is the root of the issue. He says he loves me, he says he is happy with our marriage and loves it, but he never actually acts like he likes me at all.

I used to think we would get used to each other, you know, work out the kinks along the way. That if two reasonably intelligent people truly loved each other they could figure out how to make a marriage work. But I am starting to think that somehow we can’t pull this off. If he really loves me and this is the best he has to offer than WOW, I don’t know if I can do it. He makes me feel tolerated (not loved) and it's just not pleasant.

A few months ago I was trying to find a book on the internet and in the process found a list called “how to show a woman you care”. I read the list and my husband does not do ONE SINGLE THING on that list. NONE. This is why I am sad. This is why I am so frustrated. I am not expecting BIG things. No, I just want him to act like he likes me.

Of course, when I try to explain this to him he has no idea what I am talking about. He swears all he does is try to please me. He will certainly say “look I went to both those parties just like you asked and I would not do that if I didn’t love you.”

HE is Sad and Moping

It’s Friday and the sun is out. You would think I would be in the best of moods but you would be wrong.

Last night husband was rather moping around the house and I asked what was wrong. He responds “I am sad that my wife does not like me.” (He told me this once earlier this week also.) This all goes back to the fight we had Sunday night / Monday morning.

We discussed him being sad for a bit and I won’t bore you with the details but honestly, I have been trying to get him to work on issues for years and why now, all of a sudden, he takes it seriously I don’t know and can’t even begin to guess. I can’t help but suspect some ulterior motive. Yes I am always second guessing him because he has been less than honest with me many times.

Historically when we have a fight, the next day he acts like it never happened; typical male behavior. Now all of a sudden he is so hurt by our argument. It’s perplexing.

I know I will sound heartless when I say this but, I am actually quite annoyed by his newfound “concern” for a number of reasons.

First, the moping around is just unpleasant. Second, everything that was discussed during out fight was nothing new; it was all things I have been saying all along. I guess he just never listed to me before?

Also, I have a lot of things planned for the weekend and I was really hoping he would be in a good mood and would tag along for some of these things. Now I worry he is just going to play up his wounded husband role and embarrass me in public or worse yet, we will fight all weekend and my plans will all get cancelled so I can stay home, cry a lot and feel like shit.

I am so used to him being uncaring that I just find it hard to even take him seriously when he acts hurt.

And another thing, moping solves nothing, in fact it may make it worse. I just wish we could work on issues and solve problems instead of always playing these games!

The Sun is Shining and it Feels like Spring

So I am in a pretty good mood today. I went out last night with an old (boy) friend. We went to a downtown pool hall and drank a pitcher of beer while I tried to recall exactly how to play billiards. It was fun to be out and just hanging with a friend. He also passed me a few compliments which was totally good for my ego.

I spend so much time with the same people and generally those people don’t make an effort to be nice to me or win me over. (Think kids, husband and co-workers.) So it was just nice to have someone treat me special and live it up a little.

Bonus, we were once best friends so he knows me and he gets me and he likes me just like I am. What a great feeling that is.

It is unseasonably warm for February so this morning’s 5:30 a.m. run was quite pleasant. A good run is how I prefer to start my day. Now the sun is shining full throttle. These things all perk me up too. Generally, I am not depressed when the sun is shining…..at least not in winter.

Last weekend Husband and I had a HUGE fight. Not the loudest one ever, not the longest one ever, but as far as I am concerned it was the most important one yet. I didn’t hold back anything and told him exactly how I felt. He was not pleased with what was said. But, in a totally unexpected twist, admitted that a lot of what I said was true and has (once again) vowed to make some changes.

So, for the last three nights in a row he has been reading a book I asked him to read about intimacy and how to make love last. We have not discussed the book at all but I am hoping (fingers crossed) that we have some productive conversations about it soon. He has promised such a talk.

After the fight Sunday night/ Monday morning, I wasn’t even mad at him. It was much worse than that. I felt nothing; like I just don’t care anymore. This is a scary way to feel. I felt like it didn’t matter what he did (or even if he lived). More and more I am just detaching and not having any emotions for him good or bad. This is how relationships end and I know it. He even gave me some sappy nice Valentine’s Day card that I barely read and can’t remember. All I was thinking is “whatever” and “I don’t care”. I know he just picked it to try and appease me not because he actually meant what it said.

Today I am feeling a bit more kindly towards him. This is good. I am finally recovered from the weekend. But, you know what, I am sick to death of people who don’t treat me with kindness and respect and I am really trying to be more assertive and demand more out of life.

Mad at Myself

I have started a few blog write ups in the past few weeks only to re-read them and decide they are not what I want to say.

I have thought of a million GREAT posts I would love to type up and put out here, but I don’t have time and truth be told, emotionally may not be able to do it. These great posts usually go through my brain at 3 am when I can’t sleep and I can’t blog from home because I don’t trust hubby.

Also, I have been busy. Busy with work, year end stuff, kids, life, etc. Most really good bloggers don’t have a 40 hour a week job at an office like I do so they have fewer constraints on their time than I do. Besides, I know this blog is, well, not “good” for most people to read. It is just my way of thinking out loud and being able to actually save those thoughts to be reviewed later if I choose.

So, today I am trying a new approach. The plan is a daily quick post hitting the hot topics of the day. Maybe if I get in the habit of just doing it and not stressing about it, it will work better. Because frankly, I wish I had a record of what has been going on over the past month or so…there has been a lot.

Today’s Post:

Last night I realized I am perpetually mad at myself. I think being so mad at myself makes a huge impact on what I do and what I think. It may be the root of all evil in my mind?

Why so mad?

Well, this calls for a list….see below.

But in summary, let me just say that in general, I am mad because I made all the decisions to get me here, where I am now in life and I just hate where I am now so basically it is my own damn fault so I just suck.

1) I really wish I had not bought my house. At the time I loved the woods. Now I never use them. Thanks to the stupid housing crash, my house, 10 years after purchasing it and some major updates is worth no more than the day I bought it. In fact, I am not sure I can sell it at all. I wish I had just rented a cheap place, and put my money in the bank. Oh, and the house is a major obstacle to getting out of my marriage should I choose to.

2) I wish I would have never gotten married to current Husband. Yes, I said it. It’s not working….I am losing all hope that it ever will and I am just mad as hell at myself for wasting the last 5 years on someone who, in my opinion is just using me.

3) I wish I had never had children. Go ahead and hate me for saying that if you must, but if I could go back in time and start over, I would not have kids. Some people love being a parent but I find it draining an unrewarding. My kids seem to always kick me when I am down and frankly I just don’t need it. When I look around me and see people enjoying a life I wish I had, they usually do not have children! Also, I could move if my kids were not anchoring me to this little town in the mid west.

4) I wish I had not valued being smart over being pretty. (too old to matter now) I now realize that as a woman, I would get more of what I want out of life if I had been playing the pretty, fun card all my life instead of being capable and hard working. Men who want to “suck off of” a woman are attracted to people like me and they are not the type of man I want. I don’t want to support my husband or be his mommy!

5) I wish I would have handled Rocco completely differently when he was feeling drawn, attracted to the hot young chick at work. I fully believe that if I would have done the right things instead of the wrong things, he would still be here and my life would be a whole lot less fucked up. In hind sight, I helped drive him to her.

6) I know this one does not fit with my list, but I wish I would not have had my Neuroma surgery. It really did mess my feet up forever. They always fucking hurt.

That’s all for now I need to get back to work. I guess knowing that my anger is actually directed at myself is something I can work with for a while.

PS – If I feel like cursing…I’m going to….it’s my blog and I am not going to impress anyone by not saying the “F” word. My mom always said cursing showed a lack of vocabulary. I don't care!