Thursday Therapy Recap

Last week my meeting with George got snowed out and I was so looking forward to it.

This week we had a really good session.  Somehow, he always makes me feel more positive.  He seems confident that Husband and I are actually good for each other and will figure out a way to make it work.  That deep down we have what each other needs we just need to figure out how to get past the BS that is in the way.

He fills my head with so many good ideas that I can’t really sort it all out.  I should take notes but it is really too much.  My head just swims all over the place.  I wish this was a course that met 3 times a week and I could sit at a desk and take notes and follow along in my book that spells it all out for me.  You know, raise my hand and ask questions and have it all be organized and neat.  I crave organization!

The one thing that sunk in today was build on the positive.  When he does something I like, I should praise him and thank him and once in a while it would even be OK if I asked for a bit more.  Like pump him up with gratitude and love and then make a small request while he is feeling all positive.  I get it….it makes sense and I will try it.  I hope it works.

BUT -   I worry that it is easy to understand an idea and far more difficult to execute it successfully.   (Low confidence in my ability?)  Also, I worry that sometimes when I try to be nice and praise him or give him positive feedback he gets turned off by it.  Like on some level if I am too happy it concerns him.  I suppose that goes back to the concept that there can only be one winner.  Man he used to just piss in Wheaties every time I came home in a really up mood.  He likes content but is not a huge fan of giddy with joy!  (just re-read this and decided he is not thilled when i am happy but is probably fine with me dishing out praise to him.)

Then again, the advice Husband has given me (in the recent past) about how to handle him consists of:

A)     be nice to him

B)      Never talk when feeling emotional.

I really do try to keep these things in mind.  BUT it is hard for me to shut up when I am upset…….it seems like the time to talk, to communicate and solve issues.  I get that he is turned off by emotions so I should just not go there but it is completely the opposite of what I need/want.

Last weekend I tried to talk to him when everyone was feeling peaceful and content and it felt silly.  I just wasn’t sure where to start or what to say.   It didn’t feel necessary at the time so I didn’t know how to proceed.  I kind of believe in letting a sleeping dog lie so I guess when all seems good I lack the motivation to talk issues.  Again, our needs are opposite.

(next time i am upset i will take notes so i can refer to them when we talk later when everyone is NOT emotional.)

Today I told George how good husband is with our daughter and how I think he really does show HER love (she is the only one).  We both agreed this is proof positive that he is capable of giving love; a good thing.

I told George how I never believe anything husband says…..because he frequently says what is easy or what he thinks he SHOULD say, not what he really thinks.  George said to just believe everything he says and let him worry about if it is true or not.  Simple.  Why make it my problem to sort that out? Again, I’m willing to try and see how it works.  (But I can’t forget how he said yes to the dog but then didn’t speak to me for weeks because he was so pissed I got a dog.) 

I told George that husband has been kissing me more and trying to be more affectionate because I have requested more “intimacy”.  I also told George that it feels forced and awkward because Husband does not do it because he WANTS it but because I asked for it.  So I find myself not enjoying what my husband is doing to please me after I requested that he do it.  Then I feel like a total jerk for not being all happy and excited that I got what I wanted. George says keep doing it and it will start to feel better.  Many things seem odd at first but we (as people) keep doing them over and over again until they feel right.  We can do this too when it come to emotionally and physically connecting.  Very skeptical of this one.  But, on the bright side, at least he is TRYING to do the things I have requested.

Well that is all I can recall for today. 

PS - I’m totally stressing out this afternoon because of my to do list:

1)      My taxes (hate to wait till the last minute).

2)      My kids and ex husbands taxes (needed for college forms).

3)      College boys Fed student aid form due by end of March.

4)      Enroll 5 year old in kindergarten……….sign up for lottery because her public school sucks.  (does she need a physical now or by next fall?)

5)      Continue with application process to get 5 year old into private school – interviews should be scheduled soon.

6)      College kid has car problems.

7)      Senior in high school has car problems.

8)      Need to pay rent for college kid (yes I did get roped into that and I am pissed cause he got a puppy too….so pissed I can’t see straight.)

9)      Starting a meditation class next week….hoping this will help my stress.

10)   Need to ramp up training for spring.  More running / more weight lifting / time on the bike.

11)   Need to eat less and lose my winter fat….running out of time, spring is almost here.

12)   Get to Grandma’s for a past due visit.  (her birthday was last week and I still have no gift)

13)   My new car needs oil change and bath desperately.

14)   Husband is trying to negotiate getting some equipment picked up…..and I am in the middle since I work where there are trucks and trailers we can borrow.

15)   I really need to refinance the house before interest rates go up.  They are so stinking low now I will just freak if I miss out.

This plus work my 40 hours a week "real" job…….take care of the families day to day needs and get Beanie to her classes, etc.  TIME IS THE ENEMY!  (and $$ a close second.)

Another Snow Day

taken with my phone out the bathroom window.

Yesterday was yet another snow day. 

Monday I did EVERYTHING I could think of to ensure that Tuesday I could stay home and enjoy my day off.  I even made sure I had a few podcasts on my MP3 player to listen to.  As long as I didn’t have to drive I was more than happy to let Mother Nature do her thing.

Yesterday morning I tried to sleep in but my alarm went off.  Oops…forgot to turn it off.  (I usually get up at 4:45 on Tuesday for my morning run.)

Then I tried to watch TV in bed and relax with my hot chocolate but my 5 year old had to dance on the bed and be all fidgety so I gave that up before something was spilled or I yelled at her.

Then husband went out to shovel and the needy 5 year old hogged all my attention and wouldn’t let me do anything but play with / appease her.

After husband shoveled he cleaned the basement and his man room.

I keep entertaining the little brat.  I mean sweet girl.

I tried to get online to order her a new set of swim goggles….her good ones have vanished.

I couldn’t even place the order because she was nagging me to do a puzzle and about to dump a 1000 piece puzzle on the floor!!

So I found a 500 piece puzzle and started it with her.  She of course was knocking pieces off onto the floor and the dog was trying to eat them.  Frustrating.

(She did a 45 piece puzzle in about 15 minutes with no help from me…….and the 500 was the next easiest one in the house.)

Husband was still waltzing around the house doing whatever he felt like.

By now I was just feeling pissed.  I had a book on tape, a real book, an assortment of magazines and a few projects that I thought I might get a chance to do but NOOOOO……the kid would not leave me alone for a freaking second. 

Then, the power went out!!  CRAP

Husband knew I was getting impatient and when I asked him to do the puzzle with us he balked at first and then joined us.  It’s not as bad entertaining her when he is not off doing EVERYTHING he wants to do.

We moved the table by the window and the light was sufficient.

The next 20 minutes were fairly pleasant.

Then Beanie got even more jittery and yappy so I finally made her take a nap. Then of course, Husband hovered around me like a dog in heat.  You see if we are ever alone for a nanno second he thinks he needs to make a move in order to get some sex.  Yet, when sex is not possible he shows very little interest in me at all in any way.  Frustrating!

I finally told him to get lost.  NOT IN THE MOOD!

I did puzzle by myself for an hour and listened to my podcast of TAL.  Finally I had some alone time.  Yeah.

The house was so quiet that I got sleepy and was bored with puzzling alone so I took a little nap. 

When Beanie woke up, Husband made a big deal about me being asleep.

“Beanie, mommy is resting…...don’t bother her!!!”  “I will play with you!!” 

Not sure why he has to be that way.  I feel like maybe he is trying to show off that he is being considerate.  Like hey, everyone look, I am being generous!?

They finished the puzzle and I just rested in bed.  Not really asleep but not in the mood to get out of the warm covers.  I played solitaire on my phone and listened to my podcasts. 

Not sure what the temp in the house was but once I put on a stocking cap I was fairly comfortable.

My phone finally died around 7 pm.  No more Facebook or texting.  Cut off from the world for real.

By now my biggest concern was I wanted to eat a warm meal and I couldn’t even boil water thanks to the lack of electricity.  Wishing I had a gas stove!! 

I asked Husband if we could get out the camping stove and he was all “NO”.

So I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner and set the milk out in garage to stay cold.

We put an extra blanket on the bed and all three of us were plenty warm all night.

Since the power was still off this morning, I came into work to shower and eat.  Lucky we have a full bath and full kitchen here!  When I took Beanie to school at 8 the roads were fine.

When I got back I quickly jumped online and ordered her goggles and some 100 piece puzzles for the girl!

Then I realized today is my Husband’s birthday!!  OOPS

At lunch I ran and got a gift and a card.  On the way home we will pick up a pizza and then make a fuss over him tonight.  Felt bad that I forgot this morning, but trying to decide how to feed the kid and get a shower with no electricity was taking up my brain space.

Hope everyone is staying safe and warm out there!

Snow and more on PA Husband

Thanks to the snow....I have hardly been at work....so no chance to update this blog.  So far behind.

Today I am scrambling because tomorrow is supposed to be ANOTHER snow day!! Blah

This is something I read on the Internet last week that made me super depressed.  It is a response to a question about why husband doesn't seem to care about his wife's emotional needs.  I wish I could not relate.  By the way, this is the first time I have EVER dealt with someone like this.

__________________

"I feel for you because I lived that for 23 years. Unfortunately there are no easy answers to your questions. In a PA marriage the partners are operating from two diametrically opposed worldviews. Ours is that marriage is about connection; having a partner means that we invest in one another and learn about each other so that we can grow together in a mutually supportive environment. The PA husband believes that the world is made up of winners and losers; and they can’t be a winner unless someone is losing. They are terrified of being controlled and interpret meeting someone else’s needs as giving in and allowing themselves to be controlled.  In short, they see giving you what you ask for as losing. Their subconscious need to win overpowers their needs for intimacy and connection. When he declines to meet your needs, he gets a guilty little charge from your frustration and feels like he is in control.

The crux of the issue is that you do not have the same goals. It is hard for us to imagine not wanting a trusting, loving bond as the foundation of the relationship. However, the ugly truth is, they interpret such vulnerability as weakness and just cannot go there. Here is the thing that you really need to start hammering in to your head: You don’t have the power to change him. He might tell you that he wants the same things you do, but he can’t really own that winning is much more important to him than your emotional fulfillment. He will tell you whatever it takes to keep you in the game, because without you he has no opponent."

_________________

AND, this is why I never believe a thing he says to me.  I knew he was just telling me what I wanted to hear rather than saying what he really thinks, feels or believes.  I just didn't understand WHY before but now I get it and it makes sense and it is just so sad.

My PA Husband Takes a Break

Background story:

On February 3^rd around noon I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things.  At the checkout I paid for my groceries and as I stuffed my credit card back in my pocket I pulled my keys out of my pocket.  I then picked up two small plastic bags of groceries, one in each hand and walked out of the store.  My car was right by the door….only feet away and I climbed in my car, put the grocery bags on the passenger floor and then, much to my dismay, realized the keys were no longer in my hand.  Obviously I dropped them when I put the bags down…..I searched the floor board.  Nope.  Oh must be IN a bag….dump out contents.  NOPE.  Well I got in the car so they can’t be far.  Maybe I dropped them when I opened the car door.  Look on ground around car.  NOPE.  Gotta be here…..look some more.  Nothing.  WOW – am I losing my mind here or what?  They can’t be far, I just had them!!!!

I spent the next 30 minutes retracing every step I took from the time I KNEW I had them to the point I knew I did not and NO KEYS WERE FOUND.  Searched car like 8 times.  Finally I got my hide-a-key out and drove away.  BUT wow did it seem odd and I felt helpless, almost out of my mind.

I did find them the next day in my car in a cubby hole under my console that I swear I checked the day before.  I was thrilled to find them but still miffed at how the laws of physics were bent to allow me to drop keys over, then under and then behind two other things.

**************

So yesterday I spend a good chunk of the day at work reading about PA husbands.  It was depressing and I was feeling down.  After work I headed home to pack for my upcoming weekend ski trip.  As I was packing, I plucked what I thought was my good black roll top hat out of my car and put it in the pile.  (Rocco gave it to me years ago and it is my favorite and it is irreplaceable.)  Then as I was double checking my stuff spread out on the bed I realized I had grabbed a different black (running hat) from the car and not the favorite one.  I went back to car to exchange the hats and low and behold the favorite one was gone.  I knew I had it on Monday, just two days ago so it could not have gone far.  I searched the car and no feaking had.  I was already in a down mood and still a bit traumatized from the resent lost key fiasco, so I began to cry.

I went back in the house and double checked everything on the bed.   NOPE, it wasn’t there.  Searched the car one more time, NOPE….no hat.  SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!  Now I am balling my eyes out both mad and frustrated all at once.  TIRED OF LOSING THINGS!

Husband (who is still mad at me) notices I’m upset and asks why (which is actually not characteristic of him).  I tell him my favorite hat has disappeared and he says “well take a different fucking hat!”  (Isn’t he tender and kind to me? NOT)  I then turn to him and say “leave me alone you are 80% of the problem”.  I still had all my PA reading heavy on my mind which he did not know of course.  

I keep looking for the hat and at some point see husband putting his shoes on.  I quiz him as to what he is doing he says nothing and acts pleasant.  He then disappears into the basement.  I assume he is going to his man room to sulk.

Some minutes later I finally find the hat, in the car, behind the dog kennel.  What a relief.  I finish packing.  Husband is still down stairs so I decide to go down and apologize for being cross.  When I get down there I am shocked to find the lights are all off and no one is there.  WHAT?

I go back up stairs and look in the garage.  THE CAR IS GONE!  He actually snuck out the basement door, pushed the car out of the garage and drove away.  (Our bedroom, where I was packing is right by the garage and I did not hear him start the car.)  My head is spinning that he would actually act like this!

SO…….I phone him hoping he will answer and I will say come home and then it will be over.  He doesn’t answer.  I call many times and send him a few texts.  No response. I am VERY upset.  You know I have abandonment issue!

Eventually I crawl in bed with our daughter and fall asleep.

I wake up around midnight and he is still not back.  I am PISSED OFF!!!  I call his phone and he does not answer (of course) and I leave a message.  “If you don’t come home tonight you might as well consider that a request for a divorce!”

About 1:30 am he arrives home.  I had been sitting there fuming for over an hour.  Of course, as soon as he came in he wanted to go to bed and pretend nothing had happened and I wanted to discuss what the hell had just happened. 

I started talking and he sat there with a blank face.  I told him I can’t live like this, etc. etc. etc.  He said if I wanted a divorce that was fine but it was my idea not his.  I told him it was his idea because he refuses to actually BE a husband to me and I can’t put up with anything and everything he wants to do.

Then at some point I just stopped talking.  It was making him withdraw and he was just using everything I said against me and I realized that the more I talked the more he was hating me and our marriage and my desire to actually discuss our issues was only going to make things much much worse in the long run.

Then, somehow, I told him that ^^ and somehow we had some (not a lot) of productive talk.  As usual, he viewed our marriage as basically good and sound and could not understand why I was so upset.  He also told me that he hates emotions and thinks they are irrational and would rather I not talk to him when I am upset.  (Of course you do….who wouldn’t?) He also noted that he felt that he did nothing wrong by leaving, that he was upset and wanted a few hours to himself to calm down and regroup.  In his mind it was no big deal and I should be happy that he can control his anger.

I then explained that repressing anger does not mean it is gone it means it comes out in different ways, like sneaking out of the house like a 15 year old.  Or giving me the cold shoulder FOR DAYS or doing passive aggressive things to get even.  He listened and seemed to get it.  Which made me feel a bit better.

I also explained to him that I am the one making all the adjustments to keep the peace and therefore I am the one who suffers so he can experience the peaceful marriage that he thinks we have.  I told him that I am sick of feeling that I have to deal with everything by myself and he refuses to be included.  He knows he hates to talk and does not deny that.  He just tells me he finds it unpleasant and depressing.  I know that when I try to engage him in meaningful conversations it backfires because he will then get very passive aggressive because the discussions upset him.  He can’t seem to view it as a productive way for two people to come to agreement and work out personal issues.  So evidently if it is unpleasant for him I am not supposed to do it.  What a sweet deal he has going.  GRRRRR

I actually told him that if he didn’t want a relationship he should not have been dating and should not have married me.  I mean really, if you don’t want to deal with another person why get married!?!?!

It was close to 4 am when I finally went back to sleep and it was 6:30 when he got up and went to work.  I called in and told my boss I had not gotten any sleep and would be in later.  I dropped our daughter at school and then went back to bed until it was time to go see George for my weekly visit.

Reading & Fighting

So husband isn't speaking to me right now and I have been reading articles about Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder all afternoon.

Yesterday I was so excited when I figured all this out.  I assumed that if I knew what I was up against I would finally be able to acquire the information I needed to understand, deal with and improve my marriage.  Knowledge is power……right?

And to be honest, having all the pieces of the puzzle finally come together is so rewarding.  You kind of pat yourself on the back and say “I knew I wasn’t crazy….there really is something wrong!”

BUT, the more I read, the more depressed I get.  Best I can tell I have two choices, either except that he will never really be my partner in life and resolve myself to a long, miserable, lonely marriage or get a divorce.  Evidently these men don’t change, especially if they have been doing this for a long time.  Sadly, my husband is almost 40.

All I can find on the internet are tons of sad stories about how after years of trying these women finally gave up and filed for divorce.  Then as a bonus, in a final act of defiance, the husband makes getting the divorced a huge ordeal as well.  It’s just heart wrenching.  I haven’t found a single story with a happy ending.

Another thing I have discovered after all this reading is that I am lucky that he has not damaged my self esteem more than he has.   These PA men can really ruin their wives confidence with all the mind games they play leaving them a crumbled shell of a person.  Looks like my "big break" about a year ago was the best thing I could have done for myself.  I decided to go have my own life and quit letting him yank my heart around and that seems to be the best advice that anyone can offer; go and make your own life and don’t let him push your buttons.   I really felt guilty for mentally leaving him but the whole relationship is counterintuitive.  Evidently, the more you try to get through to him and work on your marriage the more you trigger the PA man into rejecting you.  They want you to keep your distance so trying to get them closer makes them worse!

I sure hope George has something to offer that I haven’t found yet!  Up until today I was hell bent on making this marriage last.  I refused to be a two time divorce; a two time failure at marriage.  BUT, I also refuse to just sign up for a lonely, loveless relationship for the rest of my life.  If this is it, and there is no hope that it will get better, I would be better off to just end it now and start working on my new life at 47 rather than waiting until I am 50 or 60 or whenever I would finally decide I can’t bear it anymore.

Oh yeah….and another thing.  GREAT f*cking timing on all this…..tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!

Passive-Aggresive

My husband and I kind of had a fight this morning except for one thing; he was all "everything is fine" and he was smiling.  I know better than that.........surely he is upset.......and then it hit me, rather than discuss the issue, he will make me pay by being passive-aggressive!!

(I have no idea why I am so slow to catch on!?!?!)

So, I Googled "Passive Aggresive"

Here are some things I found:

“When a passive-aggressive person is given a suggestion or an alternative way to do something, they will generally avoid doing the task in that way out of spite for the person who gave the suggestion. Oftentimes, passive-aggressive people will resent people who offer advice and suggestions.  They will resist it despite the fact that it might be a better option.”

 This is why my husband refuses to load the dishwasher my way even when I point out to him the specific reasons why I put certain things in certain places.  Like the plastic that melts must go on top rack and the kiddy cups need to go on a prong so they don’t flip over and fill with water.  He has no logic to his slapping things in there and is completely opposed to any directions.

 The only way I could get him to be responsible for the trash was to NEVER do it myself no matter what for a long long time.  He finally took it over after he finally realized I had washed my hands of it.  BUT whenever I had asked him to take out the trash, he would NOT do it.

“You might also notice that passive-aggressive people have a tendency to be sullen and stubborn.   Oftentimes, this appears to be like pouting or sulking and it can frustrate people around them.”

 Like the way he goes to the basement and won’t interact....so frustrating.

 “They might also be easily offended because they will take the things that people say to them and misconstrue them into a personal attack.   They do this because it puts others on the defensive that, in turn, helps them appear like a victim.    Even though they tend to be overly sensitive to the things people say to them, they are often quick to point out the shortcomings of others.”

 Every time I try to have a productive discussion with him it turns in to him pointing out how he is being victimized and I am unreasonable or ridiculous.
“Passive-aggressive personalities also have a fear of intimacy. For them, intimacy is a sign of dependency and they do not like to feel dependent on anybody or anything.   Passive-aggressive people are generally self-dependent and they prefer to make their own decisions without input from others.”

I have always said he refuses to be intimate with me and is overly self reliant.  This is not how you build a marriage!  Many people have pointed to this behavior and said that he simply doesn’t love me, but I know for a fact that he is NOT intimate or close to anyone.  And, I do suspect he actually loves me.   BUT he seems to be incapable or completely unwilling to form close bonds with anyone.  He is closer to me and his daughter than anyone else.

“Although they often involve themselves in relationships, both intimate and platonic, their negativist personality traits tend to be an obstacle that presents itself.”

He has confused me so much over the years with all this behavior and honestly I would not have stuck around if it were not for our child.  He is probably very lucky to be married at all!

“In addition to the disdain towards intimacy and dependency, passive-aggressive personalities do not communicate well.   This trait plays into a type of self-fulfilling prophecy.   They often feel that others do not communicate well with them and, as a result, they refuse to communicate well with others. In fact, their behavior has trained others around them to avoid communication.  This leads to both parties who refuse to communicate with the other. As expected, the passive-aggressive person will blame the lack of communication on others rather than themselves.”

 Yup...I have been trained to not even bother trying to talk to him.

“Avoiding conflict is another personal trait that many passive-aggressive people strive towards. They typically have ideas of confronting others, but they often get scared or choose to go another route.   For example, if a passive-aggressive person lives in an apartment and their upstairs neighbor constantly blares music, the person might imagine going to the neighbor to ask them to turn it down.   Instead, the irritated PA tenant will do something more subtle to try and get their point across.   One option might be to turn their music up to drown out the neighbor’s music. “

 Yes, he is mad at me today but rather than fight about it......he would rather just wait and get even in some PA manner!

"Blaming is also another trait that comes naturally to a passive aggressive person. In his mind, he can never be wrong and he will always have a reason or a person on whom he can put his blame. He considers himself to be faultless and whatever situation he finds himself in, is caused by another person. Due to this, if the wife confronts him or breaks the relationship due to his behavior, he will never accept his mistake and will find ways to make sure that she pays for making such a decision.”

 This is what I was saying about getting divorced and how he would try to ruin me!

“Passive-aggressive people can be emotionally exhausting and frustrating. “

 Don’t I know it!!  And it took me a long time to understand all this....In fact I feel like a big window just got openened and I am seeing so much today.  (Can't wait to talk to George about it.)

One web article offered these tips on how to keep your sanity.
1) The first rule for dealing with a PA personality is to refrain from getting into a power struggle. They have had a lifetime of practice in doing this and you probably will not win this struggle. 
In the end, you will likely end up being frustrated and the other person will feel like they have won a battle against you. 

 2) Do not let the passive-aggressive person get to you. They usually know how to get under a person’s skin and irritate them until they become frustrated.   Once you have become irritated and frustrated, you lose any edge that you may have with them. Passive-aggressive people often feel a sense of accomplishment when they get somebody frustrated with their subtle tendencies.

3) If you find yourself in an argument or struggle with a passive-aggressive personality, try to turn the tables on them.   Describe the behavior that they are exhibiting in a calm and rational manner.   They will likely deny that they are behaving in such a way and probably say that it is merely your perception, but putting them on the defensive will often make them back down.   You can also point out the inconsistencies in their behavior or their argument. Trying to see the argument from their point of view will help you debate with them with more success.

4) Finally, ask the passive-aggressive person how they would solve or improve the situation. Since they are accustomed to avoiding responsibility and making decisions, they will likely avoid the opportunity to give their advice.  As long as somebody else makes the major decisions, the passive-aggressive person will have somebody on which to place the blame if something goes wrong.
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Saving the best for last!

Passive-aggressive personality is listed as one of the abnormal personality disorder with the American Psychological Association. As such, people who suffer from a passive-aggressive personality have more limited abilities to reason with logical arguments and thoughts.   It is important to remember this if you encounter somebody who has this disorder. Rather than debating the person using the same methods you would use with logical person, you will need to use other types of arguments and techniques to get your point across.   Even though it is not a debilitating mental disorder, people with this disorder can prove to try your patience and cause a great deal of frustration.

Stepping Back and Thinking

Seriously some days I feel so frazzled and think my life is just such a giant piece of crap and other days I think WOW…it’s just not so bad.  I suppose that some of it is hormones.  I mean really, some days you just feel more stable than others.

So Last Friday night, husband got home late and then vanished into the basement. I was just hating him.  Then all weekend he tried to be so nice and then finally Monday I started to feel less mad.  I am really realizing that he is so much nicer to me now than he was even 6 months ago.  BUT, after 6 years of him being a jerk it doesn’t really sink in that he is not being a jerk much anymore.

If he had behaved like this say 5 years ago right after our daughter was born I would have said “I am very happy to have such a great husband.” 

SO…..for my own amazement I am going to make a list!! (I love lists)

1)      He used to ignore my emails most of the time.  Now, he responds to them all and he even initiates emails.

2)      He takes care of our daughter a LOT more often…..still not as much as I do but he certainly tries to do his share.

3)      He does try to talk to me most every night when he gets home from work.  (Last Friday he was more his old self, came in and grunted and disappeared, but that is becoming less frequent.)

4)      His mood used to be a crap shoot.  On the drive home I would have no idea if he would be pissy or nice when I got home.  Now I can say that he is usually pleasant when I arrive home.

5)      He now tells me where he is more often.  He used to NEVER tell me where he was going or when he would be back.  Now he is probably up to at least half the time he let s me know.

6)      He never could manage to agree on a vacation with us but last summer we all went to Cancun.

7)      He has been trying to kiss me more and compliment me more.  Things I have asked for over the years and he is now making the effort.

8)      He is still passive aggressive at times but it is MUCH better.

9)      I can ask him to take out the trash or unload the dishwasher and he does it.  This had been a total NO-NO.  If I asked it was a guarantee it would NOT be done.

Why has he changed?  I'm not sure, but her are some ideas:

In the past two years I have just totally gotten away from expecting ANYTHING from him.  I do my own thing, live my own life and pretty much leave him alone.  It has been absolutely terrible for my attraction to him, but I think it may have helped him to feel less pressured by me and therefore (being a stubborn and backwards man type) made him feel more agreeable to actually work on our marriage and doing things for me.

His ex wife left him for another man.  It’s possible that he worries that I might run off with Uwe or one of my tri buddies.  I do have many male friends.  I wonder if he thought it through and decided it would be easier to make good with me than it would be to start over…again?

As our daughter gets older he has more of a need to set a good example and behave in a fashion he would want her to learn.  He does take raising her to be a good person very seriously and hearing her say he was acting like a jerk did shake him up.

He is just older, more mature and learning to be a better person.  He has “grown” over the past 6 years.  This is what George told me to keep in mind as I find my husband being a better person than he used to be.

I am happy that he is doing better.  Now I just need to be more excited about working on my marriage again.  I have just detached emotionally so much in past few years.

Priorities

Ever since last fall I have been running with Stina on every run, even though she is pregnant and doesn’t want to push her pace.  She has been getting slower and slower too, and I just keep staying with her even though it is really not good for MY training.

I keep running with her because she is my friend and I really enjoy her company…..we usually chat the whole run.  Also, since she is pregnant and a bit nervous about it, I feel somewhat protective of her so I tag along to make sure she is safe and not alone.  We often run predawn in the dark and I know she would be nervous if she were to find herself all alone.

When I started this “staying with her for every run” thing, I really didn’t think she would still be running at 6 months along.  I assumed she would get bigger and decide she didn’t feel up to it and I would be off to do my spring training at my own pace.  I thought it would last a month or two, not five months.

So last weekend I did yet another super slow not so long “long run” with her.  We jogged with my dog for about 5 miles and then did another 3 miles without the pooch, so a total of 8 miles.  I really need to be running 10 to 13 miles on the weekends.  Our pace is now consistently slower than a 10 minute mile.  For my training, I should be running sub 9 minute miles at least …on my easy runs.

Yesterday I was mentally beating myself up for not training harder and running longer and ditching her so I would be getting stronger and not weaker.  Seriously my running ability is at an all time low right now……I have lost all my conditioning (almost as bad as when I started back after having Beanie).   I keep feeling terrible for letting myself go so much.

Then it occurred to me that I am putting our friendship and my friend before my own selfish running goals and instead of feeling terrible about it, I should be proud of it, or at least cool with it.  I mean really, what is more important, my super good friend Stina or my own personal running goals that really amount to nothing in the ranking of what matters in life.

So now I can beat myself up for being so hard on myself when it really is ridiculous of me!!

********************
update:  this morning Stina ran with another girl and I went it alone.  I only did 5 miles and my pace was an embarrassing 9:10 average.  BUT, it's a start.  I need to get back to work.  It felt good and bad at the same time.  Hopefully, it won't take me too long to get back into a groove.

I WAS Optimistic

Yesterday I left George’s office feeling energized, optimistic…hell downright euphoric.  George and I spent the whole hour talking about my marriage and somehow he convinced me that our marriage is a great chance for us both to teach each other and to grow as people and that the future is full of possibility.   (Don’t ask me how he did this…..I really could not explain it)

So I was excited…..and looking forward to seeing my husband after work.  He took our daughter to gymnastics class as he does every Thursday and by the time we all got home….ate dinner….read a book and relaxed a bit, I was just wiped out and fell fast asleep.

This morning, rather than getting up to lift weights (my current schedule) or laying in bed trying to get in a few more minutes of sleep and hoping hubby leaves me alone (what I have been doing for the past few months) I decided to actually wake up with him and spend some time with him.  We really don’t have much time together without a 5 year old smack dab in the middle of us.

So, after I woke myself up and he came back from the kitchen, I asked him if he wanted to cuddle, naked.  (I know for a fact that if he got laid more often he would be a very happy man and I really do want him to be happy.)  I was even looking forward to some “skin” time for a change.

I told him he had to brush his teeth and lock the door.  (I hate coffee breath)  After he nicely did as I requested he pulled off all his clothes and climbed into bed.  It was super cold so I had not taken my clothes off; I wanted to get warmed up a bit first.

As he was climbing into bed the weather came on TV and I really wanted to see the forecast.  Here in the Midwest we have been having the most psycho weather ever.  This morning it is 6 degrees but last Monday was a record high at 77 degrees!!  He grabbed the remote and started to flick off the TV and I asked him not to.  He always wants the TV off and I kinda like some background noise, besides, I wanted to see the forecast.

Well, evidently my request pissed him off…….so while I watched the news, he grabbed his tablet and started to read.  I was hoping he would cuddle up to me but he was now no longer interested.  After the weather I turned to him and wanted to get his attention….but he was not going to acknowledge me.  I sat there feeling rejected and he got back up and took his clothes into the closet. 

I said “where are you going?”  He told me was packing to go to the gym.  He then packed up and left the bed room.  I got up and switched the laundry (I was awake so I might as well make good use of my time.)  I suppose I could have chased him…followed him….begged him to come back but really……who wants to do that?

After he got done feeding the chickens, he came back in the bed room and told me that if I needed the TV as a distraction because I was that disinterested in him then he would just be nice to me by leaving.  I didn’t know how to respond…..I was partly pissed, partly hurt, but mostly disappointed.  I had REALLY wanted to make love and now it was just a fucked up mess.  And I am sick of him acting like ignoring me and being a jerk is the way to be nice to me.  Come on!!

Mostly I am just sick of it.  Sick of hoping, wishing, trying and trying some more only to have all attempts just end up a waste of time.

He left without saying good bye and I am just so tired of it all I can’t even muster up a tear.