Friday, January 31, 2014
Valued and Respected
I can not tell you how GREAT it feels to actually feel valued and respected by my sig. other. This is what it is supposed to feel like to be in love. I am so happy and grateful!
Home
My friend Julia is living in this house now.
She will be moving out in mid March at which time I will move in.
So.... yippy I have a place to live.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
If you want to capture someones attention threaten Divorce!
Husband finally came home around 9:30 last night. I went upstairs to ask him what the heck kept him up all night since he never did tell me via email.
He said he wanted to know what my relationship status was with the other guy. I didn’t really answer him on this because I just feel like the less he knows the better at this point. But we did, in a rather roundabout way, establish that yes I am dating someone. (BTW he thinks it’s Uwe)
Once he felt confident I was dating someone he said “good to know that I am free to date.” I told him to knock himself out.
I found this all odd because it was my understanding that all along he knew there was someone else and that is why he brought up divorce in the first place. (Beat me to it as I was going to discuss after the holidays.)
I guess he has been in denial?
Then he proceeded to complain that I didn’t give him a chance and I should have told him I would divorce him if he didn’t change before it was too late. In other words asking him to work on our marriage because I was not happy (over and over again) did nothing to motivate him to change but if I had told him I would divorce him he would have jumped at the chance to make things better??? WTF!
I told him that I wanted a husband that would treat me well and work on our relationship without being threatened to do it. And I told him that I could not make a threat that I could not backup up. I mean there always was the chance he would say “divorce sounds like the option I want.”
As a matter of fact, Rocco did this to me. I sat him down and told him we needed to work on things or end the relationship. He said he was done. It was NOT the answer I wanted. To this day I am sorry I pushed the issue. But that is a whole different blog entry.
Today I got into work and this was the email he sent me yesterday afternoon.
“I just would like some transparency and honesty about your romantic life. It would help me better understand and accept the situation. At very least I’d like to know when you are going to have sleep overs.”
Now tell me, is this a husband in love with a wife he is losing?
Today he told me he still loves me. I told him he doesn’t act like it and that is what I go by, not what he says. He says he has been leaving me alone (never home) so I can have some space to think about our relationship. I told him that moving out would help us to think clearer and he took that as don’t come home until I am in bed. He said he was hoping that after a few months of him leaving me alone we could then go out on a date and start fresh. His logic always seems odd to me.
He keeps saying if we can’t stay married he wants to at least be friends. I said we need to talk more. WE NEVER TALK. He said he didn’t want to…. that he is too weak and upset.
I told him this:
“I honestly don’t know any other way to have a friend…..be a friend……know someone……relate to someone other than talking. So in my mind if you and I are to have any kind of a relationship it requires talking. Talking has always been something you were not interested in so I have always taken that to mean that you didn’t want a relationship. And if talking is not something you want to do that is certainly your right. If you don’t want to talk about anything but Beanie we can do that. “
He, of course, said he would love to talk if it can be non-emotional friendly talk. (rolling eyes)
He said he wanted to know what my relationship status was with the other guy. I didn’t really answer him on this because I just feel like the less he knows the better at this point. But we did, in a rather roundabout way, establish that yes I am dating someone. (BTW he thinks it’s Uwe)
Once he felt confident I was dating someone he said “good to know that I am free to date.” I told him to knock himself out.
I found this all odd because it was my understanding that all along he knew there was someone else and that is why he brought up divorce in the first place. (Beat me to it as I was going to discuss after the holidays.)
I guess he has been in denial?
Then he proceeded to complain that I didn’t give him a chance and I should have told him I would divorce him if he didn’t change before it was too late. In other words asking him to work on our marriage because I was not happy (over and over again) did nothing to motivate him to change but if I had told him I would divorce him he would have jumped at the chance to make things better??? WTF!
I told him that I wanted a husband that would treat me well and work on our relationship without being threatened to do it. And I told him that I could not make a threat that I could not backup up. I mean there always was the chance he would say “divorce sounds like the option I want.”
As a matter of fact, Rocco did this to me. I sat him down and told him we needed to work on things or end the relationship. He said he was done. It was NOT the answer I wanted. To this day I am sorry I pushed the issue. But that is a whole different blog entry.
Today I got into work and this was the email he sent me yesterday afternoon.
“I just would like some transparency and honesty about your romantic life. It would help me better understand and accept the situation. At very least I’d like to know when you are going to have sleep overs.”
Now tell me, is this a husband in love with a wife he is losing?
Today he told me he still loves me. I told him he doesn’t act like it and that is what I go by, not what he says. He says he has been leaving me alone (never home) so I can have some space to think about our relationship. I told him that moving out would help us to think clearer and he took that as don’t come home until I am in bed. He said he was hoping that after a few months of him leaving me alone we could then go out on a date and start fresh. His logic always seems odd to me.
He keeps saying if we can’t stay married he wants to at least be friends. I said we need to talk more. WE NEVER TALK. He said he didn’t want to…. that he is too weak and upset.
I told him this:
“I honestly don’t know any other way to have a friend…..be a friend……know someone……relate to someone other than talking. So in my mind if you and I are to have any kind of a relationship it requires talking. Talking has always been something you were not interested in so I have always taken that to mean that you didn’t want a relationship. And if talking is not something you want to do that is certainly your right. If you don’t want to talk about anything but Beanie we can do that. “
He, of course, said he would love to talk if it can be non-emotional friendly talk. (rolling eyes)
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Know Me
Yesterday it came to my attention that my husband doesn’t know me at all. I know it sounds crazy to say, but it’s true. Now of course we have been together for over 7 years so he knows what I look like and most of my habits and my phone number, etc. BUT he doesn’t really know me on an intimate/personal level at all. AND I guess I always knew that but I never really thought about it until yesterday.
This man had a child with me, lived with me, married me and yet never had a desire to really get to know me. How fucked up is that!?!?!
The more I step out and look back at all this the more I can put together the picture of what was REALLY happening. He was satisfied to have me around because I was easy. I paid my fair share (sometimes more); I took good care of our daughter and house. I didn’t cause him too much grief. I gave him regular sex for most of the years we were together. So basically if he wasn’t pining for a real relationship (which I think just stress him out - remember he has NO friends) our situation was ideal for him. He got all the benefits of being married but none of the downside; you know the part where feel responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your wife.
Hell, the only time he ever seemed unhappy was when I tried to levy some expectations on him or expected him to interact with me on a non-superficial level. Other than that he was perfectly happy.
And yes, I know that I let him get away with that. This is where my upbringing comes into play. This is what happens when your parents teach you to shut up and eat shit sandwiches. You grow up and eat them for your unloving husband because you are trying your damndest to keep everyone happy and together even if it is at your own emotional expense. I have been trained to be a doormat. Sad isn’t it?
Interestingly enough, KP sees this in me and always calls me out on it. EVEN WITH HIM. He taught his daughter to be a strong woman. His parents taught him to be a strong man. He pushes me to be strong too and I love him for that. I can’t tell you how many times I say things like “I am sorry” and he says “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to stand up for yourself and make good decisions and then stand by them.” (in other words don’t kiss my ass woman, do what is best for you because I respect you)
That’s it really, he respects me. Husband NEVER has.
**********
Another idea that keeps flopping around in mind; husband said, more than once, since this divorce stuff started that he is “jealous that I have someone”. So I ask you this….if this man actually loved me wouldn’t he be jealous that another man has me? Wouldn’t he be sad that he is losing his wife? But instead he is just pouting that he doesn’t have someone too!!
This is the kind of shit I would have “spackled” for him in the past. I would have thought oh he just doesn’t express himself well, or I took him wrong, or I read too much into stuff he says….BUT not anymore. Truth of the matter is that if you listed with your heart and your instincts they are screaming the truth at you. I am sure that is why I have spent so much time over the last 7 years feeling lost, hurt and crazy. I wasn’t listening to those voices, the ones that were looking out for my best interests.
***************
This morning husband told me he didn’t sleep AT ALL last night and when I asked why he said he would email me. This makes me nervous! So now I sit here at my desk trying to work but too distracted because I am just waiting to find out what the hell has him “worked up”.
He still scares me because I still feel like I don’t really know what he might do next. There is just no peace for me until he is no longer in a position to mess me up. It’s too much like tip toeing around my dad waiting for his next blow up. Inconsistent people scare me and my husband is one of the most inconsistent people I know.
This man had a child with me, lived with me, married me and yet never had a desire to really get to know me. How fucked up is that!?!?!
The more I step out and look back at all this the more I can put together the picture of what was REALLY happening. He was satisfied to have me around because I was easy. I paid my fair share (sometimes more); I took good care of our daughter and house. I didn’t cause him too much grief. I gave him regular sex for most of the years we were together. So basically if he wasn’t pining for a real relationship (which I think just stress him out - remember he has NO friends) our situation was ideal for him. He got all the benefits of being married but none of the downside; you know the part where feel responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your wife.
Hell, the only time he ever seemed unhappy was when I tried to levy some expectations on him or expected him to interact with me on a non-superficial level. Other than that he was perfectly happy.
And yes, I know that I let him get away with that. This is where my upbringing comes into play. This is what happens when your parents teach you to shut up and eat shit sandwiches. You grow up and eat them for your unloving husband because you are trying your damndest to keep everyone happy and together even if it is at your own emotional expense. I have been trained to be a doormat. Sad isn’t it?
Interestingly enough, KP sees this in me and always calls me out on it. EVEN WITH HIM. He taught his daughter to be a strong woman. His parents taught him to be a strong man. He pushes me to be strong too and I love him for that. I can’t tell you how many times I say things like “I am sorry” and he says “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to stand up for yourself and make good decisions and then stand by them.” (in other words don’t kiss my ass woman, do what is best for you because I respect you)
That’s it really, he respects me. Husband NEVER has.
**********
Another idea that keeps flopping around in mind; husband said, more than once, since this divorce stuff started that he is “jealous that I have someone”. So I ask you this….if this man actually loved me wouldn’t he be jealous that another man has me? Wouldn’t he be sad that he is losing his wife? But instead he is just pouting that he doesn’t have someone too!!
This is the kind of shit I would have “spackled” for him in the past. I would have thought oh he just doesn’t express himself well, or I took him wrong, or I read too much into stuff he says….BUT not anymore. Truth of the matter is that if you listed with your heart and your instincts they are screaming the truth at you. I am sure that is why I have spent so much time over the last 7 years feeling lost, hurt and crazy. I wasn’t listening to those voices, the ones that were looking out for my best interests.
***************
This morning husband told me he didn’t sleep AT ALL last night and when I asked why he said he would email me. This makes me nervous! So now I sit here at my desk trying to work but too distracted because I am just waiting to find out what the hell has him “worked up”.
He still scares me because I still feel like I don’t really know what he might do next. There is just no peace for me until he is no longer in a position to mess me up. It’s too much like tip toeing around my dad waiting for his next blow up. Inconsistent people scare me and my husband is one of the most inconsistent people I know.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Reason He Drives Me Crazy #321
I know it’s not a huge thing, but here is an example of one of the things about my husband that make me nuts.
He can’t just make a plan and then execute it.
Example:
A few weeks ago he told me that his mom wanted to see Beanie and we could send her out for the weekend. He wanted me to tell him if the weekend of the 18th was good for me. I told him it would be better the weekend of the 25th since I have my multisport club annual banquet that night. He said OK.
About a week ago he told me that he would go with Beanie to visit his parents. He would drive out on Friday after work and return at some point on Sunday.
Earlier this week his mom emailed me asking if she could visit the child. I am pretty sure he had already talked to her about his plan. She was just making nice in her mind. I find it odd to ask me when the plans are already made. But that’s not the point of this post.
Then this morning he tells me that he has changed his mind and he won’t be going along with Beanie. He will be staying here for the weekend and just going out Sunday to pick her up.
So………I have had it in my head that I would have a relaxing weekend home alone with no one to bother me. I figured I could sort, pack or whatever pleased me. You know, enjoy my “apartment” like I actually have my own place. Now, instead, I have to choose between being home with him where he will want awkward contact or pointless discussions with me or I can make scarce and wonder if he is going thru my room and taking things out of my packed boxes.
BUT, this happens EVERY time he (we) try to make plans. We can’t just say on XX date we will do YY. It has to be a moving target. It has to be a last minute change. He has to act like we didn’t agree or it was never discuss. Remember the train trip? UGH
I am sure there is some great reason why he must be this way but I don’t get it. I find it annoying that people can’t make a plan and then stick to it. When people are wishy washy and can’t commit it seems shady to me or the very least just irresponsible.
I openly admit that I am a type A person and I am anal about lots of things and this is a quirk that some other woman may not even notice (and she can have him). BUT, it makes me nutty!
I am sure some might think he is being flexible or "go with the flow" which would be desirable. But it never feels like he is being nice or agreeable….it’s feels more like he is being difficult.
He can’t just make a plan and then execute it.
Example:
A few weeks ago he told me that his mom wanted to see Beanie and we could send her out for the weekend. He wanted me to tell him if the weekend of the 18th was good for me. I told him it would be better the weekend of the 25th since I have my multisport club annual banquet that night. He said OK.
About a week ago he told me that he would go with Beanie to visit his parents. He would drive out on Friday after work and return at some point on Sunday.
Earlier this week his mom emailed me asking if she could visit the child. I am pretty sure he had already talked to her about his plan. She was just making nice in her mind. I find it odd to ask me when the plans are already made. But that’s not the point of this post.
Then this morning he tells me that he has changed his mind and he won’t be going along with Beanie. He will be staying here for the weekend and just going out Sunday to pick her up.
So………I have had it in my head that I would have a relaxing weekend home alone with no one to bother me. I figured I could sort, pack or whatever pleased me. You know, enjoy my “apartment” like I actually have my own place. Now, instead, I have to choose between being home with him where he will want awkward contact or pointless discussions with me or I can make scarce and wonder if he is going thru my room and taking things out of my packed boxes.
BUT, this happens EVERY time he (we) try to make plans. We can’t just say on XX date we will do YY. It has to be a moving target. It has to be a last minute change. He has to act like we didn’t agree or it was never discuss. Remember the train trip? UGH
I am sure there is some great reason why he must be this way but I don’t get it. I find it annoying that people can’t make a plan and then stick to it. When people are wishy washy and can’t commit it seems shady to me or the very least just irresponsible.
I openly admit that I am a type A person and I am anal about lots of things and this is a quirk that some other woman may not even notice (and she can have him). BUT, it makes me nutty!
I am sure some might think he is being flexible or "go with the flow" which would be desirable. But it never feels like he is being nice or agreeable….it’s feels more like he is being difficult.
Manipulative People
Found this website today and see a lot of my husband in these articles.
So...I thought I would share.
http://www.manipulative-people.com/
So...I thought I would share.
http://www.manipulative-people.com/
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Sincere Email from Husband
Email from Husband:
I try my best to give you space, but also want to show you that I want you back. It’s so very confusing and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.
Just know that I love you and wish to have a happy marriage with you.
I think we should go on a second first date.
My response:
We can talk about a date but I guess deep down I feel you want to save your family and the status quo.
You don’t want Beanie to grow up without us both there.
BUT I am really not sure that you and I are compatible as a real couple.
I know we can run a house and split bills but really being a couple is different.
And at this point there are 7+ years of bad habits and animosity that would be very difficult to overcome.
His response:
I want to be married to YOU.
I miss YOU…. more than I expected to.
I now think everyone will be ok if we get divorced. As a matter of fact I believe that if we get divorced we will all be happier than we were last year. BUT……I honestly believe we could be happier together than we would be apart.
I think deep down we are both wanting…..and our wants are not that different.
It’s only our hurts and fears that were driving us apart.
I am ready to put my hurts down –if you are willing to hold my hand.
Things can never go back to the way they were. That marriage is over. I hope we can have a new (and happier) relationship.
I know it’s going to be hard to overcome a lot of things.
I am willing to make the effort and make some hard changes…starting with being honest with myself (and you) about my feelings.
In short:
This divorce has made me realize how much I need a healthy relationship with YOU. It’s a shame it took a divorce to get me to this place…..but here I am. It would also be a shame to waste this chance for the relationship we both want.
-------------------
I need to read this over and over and think about it some more but I don’t have time right now. I feel that this is a sincere message from him and that, of course, makes it difficult. So for now I will post this and then get back to work.
I try my best to give you space, but also want to show you that I want you back. It’s so very confusing and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.
Just know that I love you and wish to have a happy marriage with you.
I think we should go on a second first date.
My response:
We can talk about a date but I guess deep down I feel you want to save your family and the status quo.
You don’t want Beanie to grow up without us both there.
BUT I am really not sure that you and I are compatible as a real couple.
I know we can run a house and split bills but really being a couple is different.
And at this point there are 7+ years of bad habits and animosity that would be very difficult to overcome.
His response:
I want to be married to YOU.
I miss YOU…. more than I expected to.
I now think everyone will be ok if we get divorced. As a matter of fact I believe that if we get divorced we will all be happier than we were last year. BUT……I honestly believe we could be happier together than we would be apart.
I think deep down we are both wanting…..and our wants are not that different.
It’s only our hurts and fears that were driving us apart.
I am ready to put my hurts down –if you are willing to hold my hand.
Things can never go back to the way they were. That marriage is over. I hope we can have a new (and happier) relationship.
I know it’s going to be hard to overcome a lot of things.
I am willing to make the effort and make some hard changes…starting with being honest with myself (and you) about my feelings.
In short:
This divorce has made me realize how much I need a healthy relationship with YOU. It’s a shame it took a divorce to get me to this place…..but here I am. It would also be a shame to waste this chance for the relationship we both want.
-------------------
I need to read this over and over and think about it some more but I don’t have time right now. I feel that this is a sincere message from him and that, of course, makes it difficult. So for now I will post this and then get back to work.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Bad Days and Good Days
Saturday KP had a bad day. This is hard for him too. He hates for me to be upset….he hates to feel like an outsider or a secret. He wants to do more to help. We both can’t wait until the day things are just “normal”. His bad day translated into a stressful evening together. But happily it ended in good communication and everyone being back to normal.
Sunday I was having a good day when I happen to check my Facebook and realize Uwe wasn’t showing up in my PM list. I then searched for him and he is GONE!!! ( Now just a few weeks ago he was bragging how he has NEVER unfriended or blocked anyone.) Well he unfriended and blocked me!! As far as I knew we were still trying to be civil and get along since we see each other so often and have all the same friends.
I was totally triggered and immediately called him to “discuss” what the hell was up. Long story short, we had a long argument that did NO GOOD (as usual) and I was left feeling stunned, hurt, rejected, triggered, and worthless, etc. I know this is no surprise....it has happened many times before.
Down the rabbit hole I went!
I went to the store and got a bottle of wine (don't judge, I'm not rational or smart when triggered) and headed to KP house to sit and be sulky. He got home later to find me drunk and depressive. He was kind and cuddly and let me fall asleep in his lap; a worn out ball of furry over a situation that really has nothing to do with Uwe and everything to do with low self-esteem and the feeling that I am not of value ….that I am unlovable. (Thanks a lot Mom and Dad!)
Monday morning we awoke and he told me 100 times that he loves me but then finally called me as I was driving home to very gently scold me for being so negative and hard on myself. I was still very depressed but it sure was nice to have his kind support.
Monday I muddled through my day not feeling any better. Still wanting it all to make sense, still trying to shake the feeling I had been punched in the head. Still wondering why EVERYONE in my life abandons me.
I read ChumpLady and “trust that they suck” really resonated with me. I try too hard to understand why people do what they do. I want it all to make sense but it just doesn’t.
Monday night Beanie and I worked on cleaning up a very old, very dirty, very cheap futon couch that KP gave me for free because he was sick of storing it in his tiny basement. He had gotten it for free many years ago and never used it except to stack junk on. I am just happy to now have a place to sit in my new makeshift apartment in the basement. Beanie and I had fun using the vacuum cleaner attachments to clean it up and then we put a brand new clean fuzzy cover over it. It turned out nice and she settled in to watch a Little House on The Prairie DVD while I cleaned up some more stuff down stairs.
Monday night I went to bed still hurt and then I awoke at about 3 am ruminating over the whole incident. Around 4 am I finally fell back asleep and had another vivid dream. In this dream I was in a large dormitory or hospital and I was trying to find KPs room. I thought I knew where it was but was disappointed when I entered the room only to find two complete strangers there. Then I saw a friend in the hallway and asked her “I can’t find his room?” She happily led me down the corridor feeling sure she was taking me where I wanted to go. This time I popped into the room to see Uwe sitting there in the second bed. We gave each other awkward looks and I left quickly without a word. Finally it occurred to me that KP was going to leave to go somewhere so if I went out front I might just run into him. As luck would have it, just as I found his motorcycle he was arriving to get on it to depart. We made eye contact and he was so happy to see me he grabbed me, hugged me and picked me up …….and I was weightless! I was so happy and light…….we just embraced each other for the longest time and then….. I WOKE UP!
And I was happy!! I wasn’t sad anymore. Tuesday was a GREAT day.
Last night after work I went over to KPs house and we ate left over soup and cleaned his kitchen for a while. We threw out some old, out of date canned goods from his pantry, we Windexed the oven door and the fridge. We even wiped the old wood cabinets down with wood oil. They looked like new! He was so happy…..said it was like a new kitchen. He admits that since his kids moved out he just gets by and doesn't do all that he used to. He tells me how happy he is to have me around because everything is better when we are together.
We talked for at least 6 hours on Tuesday! (who the hell does that?) And when I left for home, we both agreed that we love each other more every single day.
Sunday I was having a good day when I happen to check my Facebook and realize Uwe wasn’t showing up in my PM list. I then searched for him and he is GONE!!! ( Now just a few weeks ago he was bragging how he has NEVER unfriended or blocked anyone.) Well he unfriended and blocked me!! As far as I knew we were still trying to be civil and get along since we see each other so often and have all the same friends.
I was totally triggered and immediately called him to “discuss” what the hell was up. Long story short, we had a long argument that did NO GOOD (as usual) and I was left feeling stunned, hurt, rejected, triggered, and worthless, etc. I know this is no surprise....it has happened many times before.
Down the rabbit hole I went!
I went to the store and got a bottle of wine (don't judge, I'm not rational or smart when triggered) and headed to KP house to sit and be sulky. He got home later to find me drunk and depressive. He was kind and cuddly and let me fall asleep in his lap; a worn out ball of furry over a situation that really has nothing to do with Uwe and everything to do with low self-esteem and the feeling that I am not of value ….that I am unlovable. (Thanks a lot Mom and Dad!)
Monday morning we awoke and he told me 100 times that he loves me but then finally called me as I was driving home to very gently scold me for being so negative and hard on myself. I was still very depressed but it sure was nice to have his kind support.
Monday I muddled through my day not feeling any better. Still wanting it all to make sense, still trying to shake the feeling I had been punched in the head. Still wondering why EVERYONE in my life abandons me.
I read ChumpLady and “trust that they suck” really resonated with me. I try too hard to understand why people do what they do. I want it all to make sense but it just doesn’t.
Monday night Beanie and I worked on cleaning up a very old, very dirty, very cheap futon couch that KP gave me for free because he was sick of storing it in his tiny basement. He had gotten it for free many years ago and never used it except to stack junk on. I am just happy to now have a place to sit in my new makeshift apartment in the basement. Beanie and I had fun using the vacuum cleaner attachments to clean it up and then we put a brand new clean fuzzy cover over it. It turned out nice and she settled in to watch a Little House on The Prairie DVD while I cleaned up some more stuff down stairs.
Monday night I went to bed still hurt and then I awoke at about 3 am ruminating over the whole incident. Around 4 am I finally fell back asleep and had another vivid dream. In this dream I was in a large dormitory or hospital and I was trying to find KPs room. I thought I knew where it was but was disappointed when I entered the room only to find two complete strangers there. Then I saw a friend in the hallway and asked her “I can’t find his room?” She happily led me down the corridor feeling sure she was taking me where I wanted to go. This time I popped into the room to see Uwe sitting there in the second bed. We gave each other awkward looks and I left quickly without a word. Finally it occurred to me that KP was going to leave to go somewhere so if I went out front I might just run into him. As luck would have it, just as I found his motorcycle he was arriving to get on it to depart. We made eye contact and he was so happy to see me he grabbed me, hugged me and picked me up …….and I was weightless! I was so happy and light…….we just embraced each other for the longest time and then….. I WOKE UP!
And I was happy!! I wasn’t sad anymore. Tuesday was a GREAT day.
Last night after work I went over to KPs house and we ate left over soup and cleaned his kitchen for a while. We threw out some old, out of date canned goods from his pantry, we Windexed the oven door and the fridge. We even wiped the old wood cabinets down with wood oil. They looked like new! He was so happy…..said it was like a new kitchen. He admits that since his kids moved out he just gets by and doesn't do all that he used to. He tells me how happy he is to have me around because everything is better when we are together.
We talked for at least 6 hours on Tuesday! (who the hell does that?) And when I left for home, we both agreed that we love each other more every single day.
 |
| The furry cover was 50% off. It is so fun and soft! Husband would hate it! |
Monday, January 20, 2014
Monday Thoughts
Mostly life is sad and depressing and I don't want to do it anymore.
(found this in my unpublished. I wrote it on Monday. See....down the rabbit hole!)
(found this in my unpublished. I wrote it on Monday. See....down the rabbit hole!)
Friday, January 17, 2014
Dividing Up The Stuff
Today my STBX husband emailed me and asked me if I still had the dishes from his last marriage. They were hideous and I got rid of them long ago. I told him so and he lamented that he would need to by some place settings. I told him I would let him keep our current set (which I purchased with my money) and I would get something new.
The set we have goes with the kitchen and the house and it should stay there. I am actually looking forward to getting some new stuff that is more to my liking. While living with Husband I have been careful to only pick things he would like. Not that I didn't like them but it narrowed my choices to always keep his rather "plain" tastes in mind. I think I might get square plates! That is something he would not want but I think would be fun.
We went on to have some very productive conversations about who was getting what. It was cooperative and a step in the right direction. It gives me hope that maybe we can sort out all this shit and both move on to happier lives while still working together to do what is best for our daughter.
So, YIPPY, we had a real exchange of information!!
The set we have goes with the kitchen and the house and it should stay there. I am actually looking forward to getting some new stuff that is more to my liking. While living with Husband I have been careful to only pick things he would like. Not that I didn't like them but it narrowed my choices to always keep his rather "plain" tastes in mind. I think I might get square plates! That is something he would not want but I think would be fun.
We went on to have some very productive conversations about who was getting what. It was cooperative and a step in the right direction. It gives me hope that maybe we can sort out all this shit and both move on to happier lives while still working together to do what is best for our daughter.
So, YIPPY, we had a real exchange of information!!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Mining the BS for The Truth
What started the fight? I sent husband this email.
To Hubby (Wednesday morning):
a) I think I will go TV shopping tonight………if you can pick up the girl.
b) I will buy a gift for Haasini if you will take her to the party.
c) Did you look at the basement?
d) What should we do with the BIG old TVs?
e) That computer is trash? Right?
f) I sort of broke a piece on the vacuum. Might need your help to see if it can be fixed.
g) We need to agree on a schedule for the kid………I guess since I run on Tuesday and Thursday we should switch to you having her MON & WED night. What do you think?
He responded with a bunch of BS, I got pissed and an email skirmish ensued…..that lasted most of the morning.
At one point STBX had me so worked up I had to call KP to talk me down; which he did like the rock star he is.
KP: “(my name), fuck this guy!! Who cares what he is up to or what he means. Quit trying to figure him out. If he doesn’t want to talk about the divorce plans fill out the papers yourself, return them to the attorney and let the process begin. Don’t let him control you. Move forward with your plans and don’t get caught up in all his BS! You need to take care of (my name)….You need to do what is best for you and what makes you happy going forward.”
Ah….the simple straight forward advice I absolutely need and love to receive. He is right. I will just fill out the papers with what we have agreed on or what I want if he won’t discuss details with me and turn them back in ASAP. I don’t want to live in the basement forever!
Rather than giving you a blow by blow account of what was said I will hit the highlights and decipher his BS as we go.
a) He wants to take this slow because “it’s important to have a healthy transition period for Beanie. Also I don’t think we should be rushing important decisions. Let’s do this conscientiously and with strategy.”
Translation: I have reasons for not wanting to rush so quit pushing me. I will throw in that it is all for the well-being of our daughter because that makes me sound like a super caring person and good dad.
What is really going on: He is stalling on purpose but does not want to tell me why.
b) He can’t commit to a schedule with the kid “Starting in the next weeks I have a few obligations and groups that I plan to be involved in –this will impact my schedule for the next few months.”
Translation: I am up to something and I don’t want to tell you. I will not be pinned down by you and forced to commit to anything. No one tells me what to do.
What is really going on: After I asked him more than once what the hell “obligations and groups” he was up to he said he was joining a divorce support group at a local church and he was hoping to get Beanie into swim lessons or some sort of after school activity. (She already has dance class on Wed. which is plenty)
c) Why is this man suddenly so interested in getting out in the world??? He has always said he is a loner, an only child and an introvert. His answer: “THIS DIVORCE TERRIFIES ME!!!!!!! And your eagerness to make it happen as fast as possible and your threats to kick me out of the house (I have asked him to leave since I own the house and we are getting divorced) I mourn the death of our family.”
Translation: This will sound caring and this is the reaction I should be having to a divorce. And yes, I will miss having a woman around to clean, cook and care for the child.
What is really happening: He is out prowling for woman. His actions over the last few weeks have said nothing to me but “hey I’m single now and I can’t wait to date” he is whitening his teeth, he joined Facebook, he stays out late, he is getting rid of old clothes and buying new, he got a nice haircut and bought new sweet smelling soaps and colognes. His hygiene is at an all-time high. Please note the very first time we talked about divorce he told me that he would have no problems catching a new girlfriend. He has told me that he is jealous that I have someone to comfort me through this process and he does not.
He told me at the beginning of the school year he did NOT want Beanie in a bunch of after school classes and now he is saying the opposite. Well now HE has an interest in getting out there and meeting single moms or at least keeping the kid busy on his nights to have her.
Lets face it the man likes sex and I have not been helping him out in that department. I am sure he is not above going out and getting some action with no regard for a real relationship.
He mentioned more than once he needs to talk to his dad but gave no details. Near the end of the conversation he mentioned he had some money concerns. DING, DING, DING, we have a winner. First he said he would move in with his parents. Later he said they would move in with him. He also mentioned (when we were talking house sale) that he might ask them for help with buying the house. He also said that he would take the girl more than 50% of the time if his parents were involved.
In the final analysis I put all the pieces together (because he can’t just tell me what is going on) and this is what I get. He is hoping his parents will sell their house and agree to help him buy my house and live with him so they can help him raise our daughter. He has figured out that if he has our daughter more than 50% of the time he will NOT have to pay child support. BUT he really doesn’t want to deal with her that much but if his mom lives with him she can do it. So he is stalling because he is working vigorously to hatch a plan with his parents so they can move in with him and raise the kid instead of me.
Now, there is a good chance his father will not want to sell his house and move 2 hours away and even if they do it, they won’t be up for doing it anytime soon. It will be years not months before the old folks actually MOVE. So in the meantime, I will fill out the paperwork and get the papers FILED!!
To Hubby (Wednesday morning):
a) I think I will go TV shopping tonight………if you can pick up the girl.
b) I will buy a gift for Haasini if you will take her to the party.
c) Did you look at the basement?
d) What should we do with the BIG old TVs?
e) That computer is trash? Right?
f) I sort of broke a piece on the vacuum. Might need your help to see if it can be fixed.
g) We need to agree on a schedule for the kid………I guess since I run on Tuesday and Thursday we should switch to you having her MON & WED night. What do you think?
He responded with a bunch of BS, I got pissed and an email skirmish ensued…..that lasted most of the morning.
At one point STBX had me so worked up I had to call KP to talk me down; which he did like the rock star he is.
KP: “(my name), fuck this guy!! Who cares what he is up to or what he means. Quit trying to figure him out. If he doesn’t want to talk about the divorce plans fill out the papers yourself, return them to the attorney and let the process begin. Don’t let him control you. Move forward with your plans and don’t get caught up in all his BS! You need to take care of (my name)….You need to do what is best for you and what makes you happy going forward.”
Ah….the simple straight forward advice I absolutely need and love to receive. He is right. I will just fill out the papers with what we have agreed on or what I want if he won’t discuss details with me and turn them back in ASAP. I don’t want to live in the basement forever!
Rather than giving you a blow by blow account of what was said I will hit the highlights and decipher his BS as we go.
a) He wants to take this slow because “it’s important to have a healthy transition period for Beanie. Also I don’t think we should be rushing important decisions. Let’s do this conscientiously and with strategy.”
Translation: I have reasons for not wanting to rush so quit pushing me. I will throw in that it is all for the well-being of our daughter because that makes me sound like a super caring person and good dad.
What is really going on: He is stalling on purpose but does not want to tell me why.
b) He can’t commit to a schedule with the kid “Starting in the next weeks I have a few obligations and groups that I plan to be involved in –this will impact my schedule for the next few months.”
Translation: I am up to something and I don’t want to tell you. I will not be pinned down by you and forced to commit to anything. No one tells me what to do.
What is really going on: After I asked him more than once what the hell “obligations and groups” he was up to he said he was joining a divorce support group at a local church and he was hoping to get Beanie into swim lessons or some sort of after school activity. (She already has dance class on Wed. which is plenty)
c) Why is this man suddenly so interested in getting out in the world??? He has always said he is a loner, an only child and an introvert. His answer: “THIS DIVORCE TERRIFIES ME!!!!!!! And your eagerness to make it happen as fast as possible and your threats to kick me out of the house (I have asked him to leave since I own the house and we are getting divorced) I mourn the death of our family.”
Translation: This will sound caring and this is the reaction I should be having to a divorce. And yes, I will miss having a woman around to clean, cook and care for the child.
What is really happening: He is out prowling for woman. His actions over the last few weeks have said nothing to me but “hey I’m single now and I can’t wait to date” he is whitening his teeth, he joined Facebook, he stays out late, he is getting rid of old clothes and buying new, he got a nice haircut and bought new sweet smelling soaps and colognes. His hygiene is at an all-time high. Please note the very first time we talked about divorce he told me that he would have no problems catching a new girlfriend. He has told me that he is jealous that I have someone to comfort me through this process and he does not.
He told me at the beginning of the school year he did NOT want Beanie in a bunch of after school classes and now he is saying the opposite. Well now HE has an interest in getting out there and meeting single moms or at least keeping the kid busy on his nights to have her.
Lets face it the man likes sex and I have not been helping him out in that department. I am sure he is not above going out and getting some action with no regard for a real relationship.
He mentioned more than once he needs to talk to his dad but gave no details. Near the end of the conversation he mentioned he had some money concerns. DING, DING, DING, we have a winner. First he said he would move in with his parents. Later he said they would move in with him. He also mentioned (when we were talking house sale) that he might ask them for help with buying the house. He also said that he would take the girl more than 50% of the time if his parents were involved.
In the final analysis I put all the pieces together (because he can’t just tell me what is going on) and this is what I get. He is hoping his parents will sell their house and agree to help him buy my house and live with him so they can help him raise our daughter. He has figured out that if he has our daughter more than 50% of the time he will NOT have to pay child support. BUT he really doesn’t want to deal with her that much but if his mom lives with him she can do it. So he is stalling because he is working vigorously to hatch a plan with his parents so they can move in with him and raise the kid instead of me.
Now, there is a good chance his father will not want to sell his house and move 2 hours away and even if they do it, they won’t be up for doing it anytime soon. It will be years not months before the old folks actually MOVE. So in the meantime, I will fill out the paperwork and get the papers FILED!!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Crazy Dream
Last night I worked on setting up a “living room” for myself in the basement. I had Monster come over to help with the heavy lifting. Now I just need to buy a TV and move the (new to me) old couch out of KP’s basement and into mine. Oh and then I need to hook the surround sound DVD system up. I purchased that thing about 10 years ago so it is pretty old. I hope it works with a brand new TV. Don’t you hate wires? The wires on that thing…with 5 speakers just suck. On second thought, I hope it doesn’t work so I can go buy a wireless system!
I rearranged everything down there and mopped the floor, etc. It smells so much better and looks so much nicer. The room was in desperate need of some TLC. I shoved everything that I might want to keep into the HUGE back storage closet which is now brimming over with “junk” I need to either pack or get rid of or leave for STBX.
Moving is such fun……NOT!
I went to bed at a decent hour and felt good as I fell asleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night and it occurred to me to dash upstairs to see if STBX had come home. Not sure why? I guess I shouldn’t care when he comes home. Note to self: Stop that. Note to you: He had.
I struggled to fall back asleep so I took a Benadryl which makes me drowzy and helps with my stupid sinuses all at once. I set my alarm knowing I might not wake up as easily as normal.
Right before my alarm went off I was having one of those REALLY REAL dreams. You know, the kind that you are shocked when you do wake up and realize it wasn’t real. And in this dream Husband and I were happy and getting along and doing something fun together and oh so happy. I was jolted awake by my alarm but the dream really messed with my head. I was feeling kindly towards him.
As usual I went upstairs to briefly confer about kid plans before he left but found his room was dark because he had already left. For a moment I felt a strange regret. Then I righted my brain and reminded myself that he can never be trusted and I am just being and ass to play the “what if” game. He has made it clear who he is and I must trust that the person he has been for the past 7 years is the real him and what he is doing now is all an act to regain control of the situation and make his life snap back to how it was and how he wants it. I can’t fall for this shit. He wants to keep his family together….he wants me to keep being a wife and mother for his convenience……BUT he does not really love me.
I then saw he left his lunch on the table. I tried to call him to tell him about it. He didn’t answer so I texted him and he texted right back that he would come home to get it. Now that is normal for him…..to not answer his phone!
I rearranged everything down there and mopped the floor, etc. It smells so much better and looks so much nicer. The room was in desperate need of some TLC. I shoved everything that I might want to keep into the HUGE back storage closet which is now brimming over with “junk” I need to either pack or get rid of or leave for STBX.
Moving is such fun……NOT!
I went to bed at a decent hour and felt good as I fell asleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night and it occurred to me to dash upstairs to see if STBX had come home. Not sure why? I guess I shouldn’t care when he comes home. Note to self: Stop that. Note to you: He had.
I struggled to fall back asleep so I took a Benadryl which makes me drowzy and helps with my stupid sinuses all at once. I set my alarm knowing I might not wake up as easily as normal.
Right before my alarm went off I was having one of those REALLY REAL dreams. You know, the kind that you are shocked when you do wake up and realize it wasn’t real. And in this dream Husband and I were happy and getting along and doing something fun together and oh so happy. I was jolted awake by my alarm but the dream really messed with my head. I was feeling kindly towards him.
As usual I went upstairs to briefly confer about kid plans before he left but found his room was dark because he had already left. For a moment I felt a strange regret. Then I righted my brain and reminded myself that he can never be trusted and I am just being and ass to play the “what if” game. He has made it clear who he is and I must trust that the person he has been for the past 7 years is the real him and what he is doing now is all an act to regain control of the situation and make his life snap back to how it was and how he wants it. I can’t fall for this shit. He wants to keep his family together….he wants me to keep being a wife and mother for his convenience……BUT he does not really love me.
I then saw he left his lunch on the table. I tried to call him to tell him about it. He didn’t answer so I texted him and he texted right back that he would come home to get it. Now that is normal for him…..to not answer his phone!
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Visit to My Lawyer
Last night I finally met with my attorney. We had a lively and informative one hour discussion. I really like her. She gave me all the paperwork that needs to be completed. I left her office feeling happy that yes indeed we may be able to get this divorce done quickly and satisfy all parties involved.
She told me how to find the child support calculation form and tinker with it so I would know what to expect. She assured me that if I have our daughter more than 50% of the time I will NOT have to pay child support even though I have a higher income than STBX.
I found out that we can do the house deal like STBX and I have discussed, but I won’t be able to sell it to him before the divorce. She advised I stay living in my house until he has actually signed the divorce papers and we have a legal contract that he plans to buy it.
She told me average timing of an uncontested divorce is 3-4 months. She told me if I am all over it like “white on rice” it could be as little as two months. She didn’t charge me a retainer or anything for the first visit. She indicated that if I give your all the completed paperwork back and everything is agreed upon this will not be expensive at all. (under $1000)
Now all I have to do is get him on board. We have been “lightly” discussing what we want so I have a good idea of what he is looking to happen. If it was up to me I would do nothing but paperwork for the lawyer from this moment until done. I would hand it back to her tomorrow so this shit could get on the fast track. I want to move out. I want to start really living.
I am done with this fucked up life my husband has been making me suffer through.
She told me how to find the child support calculation form and tinker with it so I would know what to expect. She assured me that if I have our daughter more than 50% of the time I will NOT have to pay child support even though I have a higher income than STBX.
I found out that we can do the house deal like STBX and I have discussed, but I won’t be able to sell it to him before the divorce. She advised I stay living in my house until he has actually signed the divorce papers and we have a legal contract that he plans to buy it.
She told me average timing of an uncontested divorce is 3-4 months. She told me if I am all over it like “white on rice” it could be as little as two months. She didn’t charge me a retainer or anything for the first visit. She indicated that if I give your all the completed paperwork back and everything is agreed upon this will not be expensive at all. (under $1000)
Now all I have to do is get him on board. We have been “lightly” discussing what we want so I have a good idea of what he is looking to happen. If it was up to me I would do nothing but paperwork for the lawyer from this moment until done. I would hand it back to her tomorrow so this shit could get on the fast track. I want to move out. I want to start really living.
I am done with this fucked up life my husband has been making me suffer through.
Monday, January 13, 2014
This Is How It Works
I spent the last 7+ years trying my damndest to make our life together work for me and for us.
For the first 4 years or so I tried very hard to be a great wife and lover. I cooked, I cleaned, and I took care of our daughter and didn’t burden him. I bought him nice gifts and cards. I did and said loving things, plenty of sex, etc. etc. As time went by and he did not reciprocate, I was saddened by his distance and decided to search for a new strategy.
Next I begged him to go to therapy. To my surprise he was willing to go to the counselor with me. The first visit I wept with joy thinking finally things were going to change. BUT NO….he was there doing his act. Saying what she wanted to hear, doing what he thought he was supposed to. Then he would leave her office and spend the whole week being angry at me and hurt by all the things discussed. After a few months of this I realized things were worse than ever and he wasn’t really “participating” he was just using it as fuel to distance himself more. I declared it a failure and we quit going.
At this point I decided that instead of wining him over I would figure out how to make myself happy without him. I decided to quit expecting anything from him and make my own joy in life. I got back into triathlon, I went out and made new friends, I busied myself making a fun life around him so I wouldn’t be lonely and bored anymore.
I went on vacations with friends because he would never plan vacations with me. I talked to my friends about my life because he didn’t seem interested. I forced him to keep our daughter more so I would not feel he was just using me as a babysitter. I waited days on end for him to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher so I would not feel he expected me to do all the housework.
Then there were the arguments about retirement and money that led me to believe he did not view us as a team or even a real couple. He told me “you have to support yourself in life.” These were all slaps in the face to the fact that I indeed did not have a REAL marriage. Add to that the fact that he never did talk to me about long term plans. Hell he didn’t even tell me what his plans were for next weekend unless I pried them out of him. Separate lives.
A few summers ago he finally agreed to go on vacation as a family. All three of us went to Cancun Mexico. It was all inclusive and it should have been a total blast. But you know what happened, not once, but twice, I tried to speak to him intimately as a wife and partner and both times he responded negatively. The second time he even said “are you trying to ruin our vacation?”
Last summer as I was struggling with the loss of my father and the realization that my parents had truly damaged me by abusing me when I was a child, I tried to get my husband to “be there” for me, to be a part of this important step in my life, but he was only mildly supportive at best.
Last summer I begged him to go to an out of town race with me, but he refused. Last summer I planned other activities for us to do together but more often than not, he found a way to get out of it. Last summer I decided it was time to face the fact that I didn’t have a marriage, I had a roommate. And worst of all, this roommate was tearing me down emotionally by behaving much like my parents did when I was a child. He made me feel unimportant, unloved and unwanted.
Finally, with the help of my friends and KP, I found the inner strength to finally face the fact that for my own good, for my own mental health, so I could have a “normal” life, I needed to end this marriage. So after months of psyching myself up for it, I told him it was over!
and this is his response……..
NOW he can’t live without me. He loves me. He wants to fix all wrongs. He keeps apologizing for the past and explaining why things got off track. NOW, he wants to be friends. He wants to communicate more. He wants to take me out on dates. He wants to have mutual friends and have them over for family get togethers. He wants to share all that it his. He wants to go to therapy. He wants to be a more well-rounded person. He wants to talk about everything and cuddle EVERY TIME I SEE HIM!
I know he can’t understand why I am not happy to FINALLY be hearing him say all the things I have been asking for for the past so many years. But really, the truth is, I have worked hard to let go of my feelings for him. I have done it out of self-preservation. I have done it for my own peace of mind. I have mentally flipped that switch so I could move on and do what is best for me and quit letting him hurt me.
And the fact that he is now asking me for more time, for another chance, for this and that…is just FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. NO! NO! NO! I won’t be your chump anymore. I do not have the emotional liberty to open up to you at this point and open myself up to the potential harm you could do. I gave you a chance for 7+ fucking years. IT IS TOO LATE NOW!!!
For the first 4 years or so I tried very hard to be a great wife and lover. I cooked, I cleaned, and I took care of our daughter and didn’t burden him. I bought him nice gifts and cards. I did and said loving things, plenty of sex, etc. etc. As time went by and he did not reciprocate, I was saddened by his distance and decided to search for a new strategy.
Next I begged him to go to therapy. To my surprise he was willing to go to the counselor with me. The first visit I wept with joy thinking finally things were going to change. BUT NO….he was there doing his act. Saying what she wanted to hear, doing what he thought he was supposed to. Then he would leave her office and spend the whole week being angry at me and hurt by all the things discussed. After a few months of this I realized things were worse than ever and he wasn’t really “participating” he was just using it as fuel to distance himself more. I declared it a failure and we quit going.
At this point I decided that instead of wining him over I would figure out how to make myself happy without him. I decided to quit expecting anything from him and make my own joy in life. I got back into triathlon, I went out and made new friends, I busied myself making a fun life around him so I wouldn’t be lonely and bored anymore.
I went on vacations with friends because he would never plan vacations with me. I talked to my friends about my life because he didn’t seem interested. I forced him to keep our daughter more so I would not feel he was just using me as a babysitter. I waited days on end for him to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher so I would not feel he expected me to do all the housework.
Then there were the arguments about retirement and money that led me to believe he did not view us as a team or even a real couple. He told me “you have to support yourself in life.” These were all slaps in the face to the fact that I indeed did not have a REAL marriage. Add to that the fact that he never did talk to me about long term plans. Hell he didn’t even tell me what his plans were for next weekend unless I pried them out of him. Separate lives.
A few summers ago he finally agreed to go on vacation as a family. All three of us went to Cancun Mexico. It was all inclusive and it should have been a total blast. But you know what happened, not once, but twice, I tried to speak to him intimately as a wife and partner and both times he responded negatively. The second time he even said “are you trying to ruin our vacation?”
Last summer as I was struggling with the loss of my father and the realization that my parents had truly damaged me by abusing me when I was a child, I tried to get my husband to “be there” for me, to be a part of this important step in my life, but he was only mildly supportive at best.
Last summer I begged him to go to an out of town race with me, but he refused. Last summer I planned other activities for us to do together but more often than not, he found a way to get out of it. Last summer I decided it was time to face the fact that I didn’t have a marriage, I had a roommate. And worst of all, this roommate was tearing me down emotionally by behaving much like my parents did when I was a child. He made me feel unimportant, unloved and unwanted.
Finally, with the help of my friends and KP, I found the inner strength to finally face the fact that for my own good, for my own mental health, so I could have a “normal” life, I needed to end this marriage. So after months of psyching myself up for it, I told him it was over!
and this is his response……..
NOW he can’t live without me. He loves me. He wants to fix all wrongs. He keeps apologizing for the past and explaining why things got off track. NOW, he wants to be friends. He wants to communicate more. He wants to take me out on dates. He wants to have mutual friends and have them over for family get togethers. He wants to share all that it his. He wants to go to therapy. He wants to be a more well-rounded person. He wants to talk about everything and cuddle EVERY TIME I SEE HIM!
I know he can’t understand why I am not happy to FINALLY be hearing him say all the things I have been asking for for the past so many years. But really, the truth is, I have worked hard to let go of my feelings for him. I have done it out of self-preservation. I have done it for my own peace of mind. I have mentally flipped that switch so I could move on and do what is best for me and quit letting him hurt me.
And the fact that he is now asking me for more time, for another chance, for this and that…is just FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. NO! NO! NO! I won’t be your chump anymore. I do not have the emotional liberty to open up to you at this point and open myself up to the potential harm you could do. I gave you a chance for 7+ fucking years. IT IS TOO LATE NOW!!!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Keep Calm and Pack On
Yesterday after work I went to KP’s house. His son and Grandson were there. The 2 year old greeted me with smiles. He is really starting to warm up to me. Thy boys father soon left to go to a basketball game and we were left to babysit (again).
KP was packing to go out of town and somehow…I’m not even sure how we started it, but we tackled part of that spare room that he “keeps” things in. We made a BIG black trash bag of his old running shoes that I will donate for him. I found some of his daughter’s old gloves and a pretty ski hat that I took home to Beanie (she loved them). There was an old tube TV in there and I told him I would get rid of it. There was also an old computer and a few other items to recycle. AND we made a big bag of trash; old hats and other items that were not worth even donating to charity. It was a huge improvement and really only took about a half hour to do.
Then we made dinner and played with the toddler for the next few hours. He loves to play on the IPad and is really quite smart for his age. BUT he doesn’t talk much. He says “ball” and “Da-da” and that is about it. He mostly grunts and makes noises.
Around 9 his father came and fetched him and finally KP and I had some alone time. I made some tea and he made hot chocolate and we sat on the couch and relaxed. This is where I totally unwind. This is where I find an amazing sense of calm I get from nothing else. (Note: Husband = feeling crazy. KP = feeling calm and happy.) Soon we were sleepy and we crawled into bed and cuddled and talked a bit more and fell asleep. I am so at peace with this man.
Around midnight I forced myself to get up and drive home to my basement apartment. By the time I got home I was wide awake so I decided to tidy up my new room a bit more. I probably spent about an hour folding and rearranging locations of t-shirts, skorts, etc. I remembered that Ramone said she would take my old skorts that were a bit shorter. I put them in a pile.
I finally climbed in bed around 1 and was sound asleep in no time. The peace lasts long after I leave.
This morning I came upstairs around 5:30 to check in with “SoontobeX”. He wanted a hug….he wanted to talk….he doesn’t know what to say…..he is trying so hard to be nice. It all feels so awkward and uncomfortable. This man is now being clingy and needy and it is just so weird. Just a few weeks ago he couldn’t even make eye contact with me. He is still just terrible at communicating though. My inner calm was momentarily flustered.
He left around 6 to go to the gym and I got busy getting Beanie and myself ready for school and work. I also did a few more packing / rearranging projects. Just doing 30 minutes here and there as I think of things to collect, sort or box is really a nice way to handle it.
As soon as I got to work, I headed to the break room to make a cup of tea. When I got in the cabinet I managed to knock out a glass mug which shattered EVERYWHERE when it hit the concrete floor. I quickly put my dog back in my office so she wouldn’t step in glass and fetched a broom. Once the glass was all cleaned up I headed back to my office to find a bouquet of flowers on my desk. There was a small card. It was from Husband. It said “thanks for spending time with me this morning. I love you.”
He had just popped in and dropped it on my desk while I was in the other room. I felt a bit violated again. I mean the last time he was in my office was probably YEARS ago…..possibly as far back as when Beanie came to work with me (so 4 years). And he didn't say "hi" or anything he just snuck in and out.
All this change in behavior from him makes me nervous. I’m not being critical; I get that he is just doing anything he can think of to “fix” the mess. But I hate not knowing what to expect. I am a planner and a control person so it causes me anxiety when unexpected things keep happening.
I also realize that him being nice is a lot better than being a total jerk and for that I am grateful. But still I don't want to lead him on or make him feel worse than is necessary. It is such an emotional mine field.
So KP and 3 of his buddies left for Las Vegas today for their annual guys trip. They will gamble, eat lots of steak and ribs at Tony Roma's and have a great time for the next four days. I don’t think any of them are drinkers and I am pretty sure that all of them are happily married and have no desire to pay for the company of a woman. This bunch is pretty tame and won’t get into trouble.
I will miss him. I hope to keep my “calm” all by myself while he is gone.
KP was packing to go out of town and somehow…I’m not even sure how we started it, but we tackled part of that spare room that he “keeps” things in. We made a BIG black trash bag of his old running shoes that I will donate for him. I found some of his daughter’s old gloves and a pretty ski hat that I took home to Beanie (she loved them). There was an old tube TV in there and I told him I would get rid of it. There was also an old computer and a few other items to recycle. AND we made a big bag of trash; old hats and other items that were not worth even donating to charity. It was a huge improvement and really only took about a half hour to do.
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| Gage and Kobi (aka Binky) |
Then we made dinner and played with the toddler for the next few hours. He loves to play on the IPad and is really quite smart for his age. BUT he doesn’t talk much. He says “ball” and “Da-da” and that is about it. He mostly grunts and makes noises.
Around 9 his father came and fetched him and finally KP and I had some alone time. I made some tea and he made hot chocolate and we sat on the couch and relaxed. This is where I totally unwind. This is where I find an amazing sense of calm I get from nothing else. (Note: Husband = feeling crazy. KP = feeling calm and happy.) Soon we were sleepy and we crawled into bed and cuddled and talked a bit more and fell asleep. I am so at peace with this man.
Around midnight I forced myself to get up and drive home to my basement apartment. By the time I got home I was wide awake so I decided to tidy up my new room a bit more. I probably spent about an hour folding and rearranging locations of t-shirts, skorts, etc. I remembered that Ramone said she would take my old skorts that were a bit shorter. I put them in a pile.
I finally climbed in bed around 1 and was sound asleep in no time. The peace lasts long after I leave.
This morning I came upstairs around 5:30 to check in with “SoontobeX”. He wanted a hug….he wanted to talk….he doesn’t know what to say…..he is trying so hard to be nice. It all feels so awkward and uncomfortable. This man is now being clingy and needy and it is just so weird. Just a few weeks ago he couldn’t even make eye contact with me. He is still just terrible at communicating though. My inner calm was momentarily flustered.
He left around 6 to go to the gym and I got busy getting Beanie and myself ready for school and work. I also did a few more packing / rearranging projects. Just doing 30 minutes here and there as I think of things to collect, sort or box is really a nice way to handle it.
As soon as I got to work, I headed to the break room to make a cup of tea. When I got in the cabinet I managed to knock out a glass mug which shattered EVERYWHERE when it hit the concrete floor. I quickly put my dog back in my office so she wouldn’t step in glass and fetched a broom. Once the glass was all cleaned up I headed back to my office to find a bouquet of flowers on my desk. There was a small card. It was from Husband. It said “thanks for spending time with me this morning. I love you.”
He had just popped in and dropped it on my desk while I was in the other room. I felt a bit violated again. I mean the last time he was in my office was probably YEARS ago…..possibly as far back as when Beanie came to work with me (so 4 years). And he didn't say "hi" or anything he just snuck in and out.
All this change in behavior from him makes me nervous. I’m not being critical; I get that he is just doing anything he can think of to “fix” the mess. But I hate not knowing what to expect. I am a planner and a control person so it causes me anxiety when unexpected things keep happening.
I also realize that him being nice is a lot better than being a total jerk and for that I am grateful. But still I don't want to lead him on or make him feel worse than is necessary. It is such an emotional mine field.
So KP and 3 of his buddies left for Las Vegas today for their annual guys trip. They will gamble, eat lots of steak and ribs at Tony Roma's and have a great time for the next four days. I don’t think any of them are drinkers and I am pretty sure that all of them are happily married and have no desire to pay for the company of a woman. This bunch is pretty tame and won’t get into trouble.
I will miss him. I hope to keep my “calm” all by myself while he is gone.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Move #1 (subtitle - why do I get involved with such jerks?)
I have been sleeping in the basement guest room off and on now since last spring. I have been sleeping down there EVERY night since Husband and I are now “separated”. I would move out but I need to make sure the house payment gets made since I am the only one on the loan. And I can’t afford rent and a house payment for sure.
Monday school was cancelled so I took the opportunity to move all my bathroom stuff to the downstairs bathroom. Last night I finally hauled all my clothes down there too. It took me a while to even figure out how it would all fit. I had ¾ of a HUGE walk in closet upstairs. (see picture above) Downstairs I have a kids size closet and a dresser; so very different space. (see pictures below) Plus, I have been trying to round up ALL my things in this general area so I can pack them for moving or at least keep them safe during the divorce. Lucky my guest room is fairly big.
I left work last night feeling stupid and used. I just kept thinking about how I really tried and really wanted our marriage to work and he was there for all the wrong reasons and basically wanted me to just leave him alone. We never emotionally connected because he didn’t want to.
Even more so, I guess I just feel that I should have cared more about myself. I should never have put up with how he treated me. He did some jerky things even before I was pregnant and I didn’t walk away. I didn’t really take him seriously as a boyfriend, but I didn’t tell him to “fuck off” and he really deserved it.
Beanie helped me move my clothes downstairs. She was actually a lot of help and she thought it was fun. Not a lazy kid for sure. At about 8 pm she fell asleep and I tucked her in bed.
Husband still wasn’t home and I was feeling sad and for some stupid reason I decided to reach out to Uwe once again. I never did blog this but in mid-December he was being normal to me again and I thought we had finally worked things out. Then a few days after my divorce talk with Husband Uwe shut the door on me again. I have no idea what is going on. It doesn’t matter. He did answer the phone but he made it clear that he doesn’t want to have me in his life. DONE…I swear that is done. I will never contact him again. But here is another person who has hurt me.
I climbed into bed even more sad and hurt. Why do I choose to have these terrible people in my life? Why did I waste 7 years on Husband? Why did I waste the last 9 months caring about Uwe and our relationship? I deserve better!
I woke up at midnight and checked the garage. Husband had come home. I checked messages and KP had left a sweet message. I lay in bed and cried and cried. This is all so emotionally draining.
I’m now living in my basement apartment…..the place I used to rent out to friends so I didn’t have to live alone. My marriage was a joke. My friends turn on me. There is only one person (other than my kids) that I have any faith in and that is KP. Given my track record I assume it is just a matter of time before he hurts me too.
I woke up again at 3:30 am and wanted to wake husband so we could fight. I get so angry at him. I talked myself out of it and went back to sleep.
This morning I got up at my normal time and found Husband up and organizing his big walkin closet. He has tons of room now. He can spread out in there. I took some of his coffee without asking.
We talked about the past. Something we need to stop. It only makes me madder. He told me I threatened him and that is why he married me. I guarantee you I didn’t threaten him. I am the doormat; I didn’t make him do anything. I do remember him telling me he was committed to me and that he was never leaving. SO….I said then why don’t we get married. HE agreed we could if it would make me feel more stable. That is how it happened. Stupid I know.
But of course, now that he gets to “justify” his behavior he will blame me and make me into the manipulative monster that threatened to take his daughter away if he didn’t marry me. I am sure the new friends and lovers he will meet in the future will feel sorry for him. It is a good story for him to tell. It will work for him.
This IS what I hate about life. I get up every day and truly try to do my best to do the right thing, to be kind and loving and at the end of the day everyone turns on me and makes me into a bad person so they can get away with hurting and using me. It is so unfair.
After he left this morning I was really rattled and upset. I went back downstairs to get ready for work. It took forever because you know how it is when you move……you can’t find a thing. Once I came back upstairs Beanie was dressed for school and I asked her if she had brushed her hair. She told me it was knotty. I took one look and it was all matted up; a total disaster. Worse than I have ever seen it! (Her hair is VERY long) I was already running late but I could not let her go to school like that.
I got the brush and began the process of getting it all brushed out. It took about 20 minutes doing it section by section. Once I had it all untangled, I put it in one long braid. That way it won’t need brushing again today.
Next we go to put her winter coat on and the zipper jams. I am now standing in the kitchen working on the coat, late to work and on the verge of a complete breakdown. Once the coat is fixed I put it on her and we head to the car. I was actually exhaling with relief that we were finally leaving when my daughter, who was walking 3 feet ahead of me, slipped on the filthy grimy, wet garage floor and fell down. (Thanks to this terrible winter weather we are having.) She had on white tights that now had a big gray road dirt smear on the knee. I went in the house and got a baby wipe, wiped her knee, which didn’t help at all but I told her we didn’t have time to change them. Lucky her skirt covers her knees. She sucked up her tears and agreed to go to school even with a dirty knee. I am sure she knew I was about to lose it. As we backed down the driveway she said “mommy we are not having a good day” I had to agree with her!
__________________
I have too many running tops......I blame it on ample closet space!! I will be culling a few things soon!! My running tops took up 2 drawers!!
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| this is only 2/3 of my clothes! |
Monday school was cancelled so I took the opportunity to move all my bathroom stuff to the downstairs bathroom. Last night I finally hauled all my clothes down there too. It took me a while to even figure out how it would all fit. I had ¾ of a HUGE walk in closet upstairs. (see picture above) Downstairs I have a kids size closet and a dresser; so very different space. (see pictures below) Plus, I have been trying to round up ALL my things in this general area so I can pack them for moving or at least keep them safe during the divorce. Lucky my guest room is fairly big.
I left work last night feeling stupid and used. I just kept thinking about how I really tried and really wanted our marriage to work and he was there for all the wrong reasons and basically wanted me to just leave him alone. We never emotionally connected because he didn’t want to.
Even more so, I guess I just feel that I should have cared more about myself. I should never have put up with how he treated me. He did some jerky things even before I was pregnant and I didn’t walk away. I didn’t really take him seriously as a boyfriend, but I didn’t tell him to “fuck off” and he really deserved it.
Beanie helped me move my clothes downstairs. She was actually a lot of help and she thought it was fun. Not a lazy kid for sure. At about 8 pm she fell asleep and I tucked her in bed.
Husband still wasn’t home and I was feeling sad and for some stupid reason I decided to reach out to Uwe once again. I never did blog this but in mid-December he was being normal to me again and I thought we had finally worked things out. Then a few days after my divorce talk with Husband Uwe shut the door on me again. I have no idea what is going on. It doesn’t matter. He did answer the phone but he made it clear that he doesn’t want to have me in his life. DONE…I swear that is done. I will never contact him again. But here is another person who has hurt me.
I climbed into bed even more sad and hurt. Why do I choose to have these terrible people in my life? Why did I waste 7 years on Husband? Why did I waste the last 9 months caring about Uwe and our relationship? I deserve better!
I woke up at midnight and checked the garage. Husband had come home. I checked messages and KP had left a sweet message. I lay in bed and cried and cried. This is all so emotionally draining.
I’m now living in my basement apartment…..the place I used to rent out to friends so I didn’t have to live alone. My marriage was a joke. My friends turn on me. There is only one person (other than my kids) that I have any faith in and that is KP. Given my track record I assume it is just a matter of time before he hurts me too.
I woke up again at 3:30 am and wanted to wake husband so we could fight. I get so angry at him. I talked myself out of it and went back to sleep.
This morning I got up at my normal time and found Husband up and organizing his big walkin closet. He has tons of room now. He can spread out in there. I took some of his coffee without asking.
We talked about the past. Something we need to stop. It only makes me madder. He told me I threatened him and that is why he married me. I guarantee you I didn’t threaten him. I am the doormat; I didn’t make him do anything. I do remember him telling me he was committed to me and that he was never leaving. SO….I said then why don’t we get married. HE agreed we could if it would make me feel more stable. That is how it happened. Stupid I know.
But of course, now that he gets to “justify” his behavior he will blame me and make me into the manipulative monster that threatened to take his daughter away if he didn’t marry me. I am sure the new friends and lovers he will meet in the future will feel sorry for him. It is a good story for him to tell. It will work for him.
This IS what I hate about life. I get up every day and truly try to do my best to do the right thing, to be kind and loving and at the end of the day everyone turns on me and makes me into a bad person so they can get away with hurting and using me. It is so unfair.
After he left this morning I was really rattled and upset. I went back downstairs to get ready for work. It took forever because you know how it is when you move……you can’t find a thing. Once I came back upstairs Beanie was dressed for school and I asked her if she had brushed her hair. She told me it was knotty. I took one look and it was all matted up; a total disaster. Worse than I have ever seen it! (Her hair is VERY long) I was already running late but I could not let her go to school like that.
I got the brush and began the process of getting it all brushed out. It took about 20 minutes doing it section by section. Once I had it all untangled, I put it in one long braid. That way it won’t need brushing again today.
Next we go to put her winter coat on and the zipper jams. I am now standing in the kitchen working on the coat, late to work and on the verge of a complete breakdown. Once the coat is fixed I put it on her and we head to the car. I was actually exhaling with relief that we were finally leaving when my daughter, who was walking 3 feet ahead of me, slipped on the filthy grimy, wet garage floor and fell down. (Thanks to this terrible winter weather we are having.) She had on white tights that now had a big gray road dirt smear on the knee. I went in the house and got a baby wipe, wiped her knee, which didn’t help at all but I told her we didn’t have time to change them. Lucky her skirt covers her knees. She sucked up her tears and agreed to go to school even with a dirty knee. I am sure she knew I was about to lose it. As we backed down the driveway she said “mommy we are not having a good day” I had to agree with her!
__________________
I have too many running tops......I blame it on ample closet space!! I will be culling a few things soon!! My running tops took up 2 drawers!!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
One HUGE Mistake
When Husband and I stated dating, he owned a modest house on the south side of town and I owned a larger home on 20 acres on the north side of town. I had purchased my house with my lives saving back in 2002. I tried to sell it when I became pregnant in 2007 and moved in with Husband in his smaller, cheaper home but sadly the market had just tanked and no one was shopping for houses in the $200-$300 price range in this area.
So in 2008 Husband sold his house and we moved back to my house. When he sold his house he pocketed roughly $50k I believe. NONE of it was ever rolled into my house or anything “us”. When we moved back to my house I paid (he didn’t pay one penny) for new carpet, tile and a new refrigerator as well as most of the paint, curtains, etc.
In 2009 Husband (who really needs a different name at this point because he has NEVER been a real husband for me) and I got married and not long after I refinanced my house so I could reduce my monthly payments. Husband had NOTHING to do with the refinancing. It was my old loan, my new loan and all my money, time and effort. BUT….somehow……at that time his name was added to the title. I don’t remember the details but I do know this much, I am sure it was done because I thought we had a real marriage and I wanted to do the right thing and be sure he would get our family home should something ever happen to me.
Well guess what? That’s right, now it is going to fuck me. Now it is marital property and he is entitled to half of the equity. I am so mad I could spit. I tried to do the right thing by adding him to the title like a real partner would do and now he can just fucking steal $75,000 from me. It is total bullshit!
I have made every single house payment on that house for the past 12 years. He has paid NOTHING towards the loan...not one single cent. I paid for all the capital improvement as well as maintenance with MY money. The ONLY thing he ever paid for was the new garage door and some of the landscaping supplies he used when he did landscaping that he wanted to do for fun. It wasn’t even anything I deemed necessary.
I recently purchased a new sink and faucet. I recently purchased a new dishwasher. I paid to get the patio put in. I paid to finish the basement when the house was on the market. It is MY house and he should get nothing from it. He has paid for nothing while we lived there. I paid for my half of everything. We never had a joint account EVER. We never comingled anything. He made damn sure he never paid more than his fair share (in his mind) and he made sure I paid for all things house related.
The fucking bastard admitted he didn’t love me when we got married. Who the fuck does that!?!? And why the hell should he be entitled to half the equity in MY HOUSE!!?!?!
This is what I get for trying to do the right thing!
So in 2008 Husband sold his house and we moved back to my house. When he sold his house he pocketed roughly $50k I believe. NONE of it was ever rolled into my house or anything “us”. When we moved back to my house I paid (he didn’t pay one penny) for new carpet, tile and a new refrigerator as well as most of the paint, curtains, etc.
In 2009 Husband (who really needs a different name at this point because he has NEVER been a real husband for me) and I got married and not long after I refinanced my house so I could reduce my monthly payments. Husband had NOTHING to do with the refinancing. It was my old loan, my new loan and all my money, time and effort. BUT….somehow……at that time his name was added to the title. I don’t remember the details but I do know this much, I am sure it was done because I thought we had a real marriage and I wanted to do the right thing and be sure he would get our family home should something ever happen to me.
Well guess what? That’s right, now it is going to fuck me. Now it is marital property and he is entitled to half of the equity. I am so mad I could spit. I tried to do the right thing by adding him to the title like a real partner would do and now he can just fucking steal $75,000 from me. It is total bullshit!
I have made every single house payment on that house for the past 12 years. He has paid NOTHING towards the loan...not one single cent. I paid for all the capital improvement as well as maintenance with MY money. The ONLY thing he ever paid for was the new garage door and some of the landscaping supplies he used when he did landscaping that he wanted to do for fun. It wasn’t even anything I deemed necessary.
I recently purchased a new sink and faucet. I recently purchased a new dishwasher. I paid to get the patio put in. I paid to finish the basement when the house was on the market. It is MY house and he should get nothing from it. He has paid for nothing while we lived there. I paid for my half of everything. We never had a joint account EVER. We never comingled anything. He made damn sure he never paid more than his fair share (in his mind) and he made sure I paid for all things house related.
The fucking bastard admitted he didn’t love me when we got married. Who the fuck does that!?!? And why the hell should he be entitled to half the equity in MY HOUSE!!?!?!
This is what I get for trying to do the right thing!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
New Year
New Year’s Eve
Tuesday morning I took my daughter to work with me and she wasn’t too terribly bad. Ahh
We shut the office at noon and Beanie and I headed to the grocery store to get some New Year’s Eve supplies. She chose to get a BIG bag of BIG red seedless grapes as her treat. She is a fruitaholic!
Next we went home for naps so we could all stay up late and party.
Around 5 Daddy came home and picked up the little girl to take her to a local New Year Eve’s kid event. This is something that he would never have done before, but now he is on this “be a better father” kick so he made an effort to take her out. Also, he may think it is a good way to pick up chicks!?!?
I headed over to KPs. When I got there he saw I was dressed up so he went into his room and put on a nice sweater. (Which was super cute because we had no plans to go anywhere.) I showed him all the goodies I brought over and we headed for our favorite place, the couch in the front room. There, we chatted for a bit and then started playing our new favorite addiction, a game called FLOW, that he has on his IPad. We actually take turns playing the same game at the same time. It was fun and I think we burned an hour or two on that.
A bit later we broke out the shrimp cocktail and the crab dip; he liked both of them. Score.
At 9 we got in the BIG truck to take the property tax payment down town. This is something that KP does every year. Usually he is home alone and after depositing the check in the box he comes back and goes to bed. This time I rode along and jumped out so he didn’t have to park. Then we drove back home to “celebrate” the rest of the evening.
Back at the house we opened the bottle of Champaign that I brought over. He of course didn’t want any (Miller Light only guy) and I sipped it, burped and was reminded of why I don’t like carbonated beverages. But, still, it was New Year’s Eve so I was obligated…RIGHT?
After a while we retreated to the bedroom to watch TV. We planned to watch a New Year’s Eve special but instead ended up watching Big Bang Theory for the next hour or so. We both absolutely love Big Bang. I kept sipping Champaign and by the 3rd glass it tasted MUCH better.
Around 11:30 we turned on the coverage of Times Square and realized we were too late because they are an hour ahead of us in NYC. After much disappointed we flipped channels and found another station that was nice enough to broadcast it an hour later for us Midwesterners.
At midnight we kissed and hugged and then watched a bit more TV. (BTW we can’t stand Miley Cyrus.) At 12:05 he was struggling so hard to stay awake that I told him to turn the TV off. At 12:06 he was fast asleep. At 12:07 I joined him.
In case you were wondering, Husband told me to go out for New Year’s Eve and he told me to not drive home if I had been drinking. We have not discussed KP in particular, but Husband has been telling me to go and hang out with my friends; kicking me out in the evenings every so often. In some odd way I think he feels guilty and wants me to be happy. He did once say something that made me believe he thinks I am carrying on with Uwe. I didn’t tell him that Uwe and I aren’t even speaking to each other at this point. I am sure my husband has no idea who KP is.
New Year’s Day (1-1-14)
I woke up around 5 and decided I would get up and go home at 6. I told KP and he hugged me close and said “NO!” I didn’t want to leave. I just figured it would be prudent. I fell back asleep and then decided I would stay until 7. Then we woke up and talked a bit and I decided I would go home NO LATER THAN 9. I wanted to get home and see my daughter and I knew Husband would be ready for me to relieve him of the girl. I didn't want to leave KP though.
I left at about 8:30 and picked up a McDonald’s Hazelnut Latte on the way home. All that Champaign had kicked my butt and my head was throbbing.
Back home I found everyone in a good mood and they invited me to go for a walk at the park with them. The walk was nice but the stupid dog had to go swimming in the ice cold creek and then get covered in mud. She had fun but she got really dirty and stinky.
We got home from our hike around lunch time and then Daddy went into work while Beanie and I climbed into Daddy’s bed and watched Downton Abby on PBS. Around 2 she dozed off and so did I. Around 2:15 I woke up coughing. I have had a cough for weeks and it is getting really, really old.
Daddy came home at dinner time and then we all watched TV together for a while. Ever since we started talking divorce he has actually been nicer and more interactive than ever; which is good and bad. Monday he saw his new therapist again and even came home and told me all about it. We talked quite a bit that night. He told me he wants us to remain friends even after the divorce. I told him that I didn’t know we were friends. I was being honest but it wasn’t nice. Later I told him that I did hope we could learn to really be friends going forward. (pretty sure when the reality of divorce details hit him he will change his kind demeanor.)
I have thought long and hard about how I would handle it should he start doing and saying all the right things. There is a small part of me that thinks I should give him a chance; that if he really wants to save his marriage maybe he can really make some changes, that it would be best for Beanie if we didn’t divorce. But then I think of all the lies and all the pain he has caused me and I KNOW that I could never trust this man enough to feel our marriage was real. I really don’t know if any of the stuff he is doing or saying now means anything or if it is just a bunch of BS. He is probably doing what he thinks he should do which is typical.
Tuesday morning I took my daughter to work with me and she wasn’t too terribly bad. Ahh
We shut the office at noon and Beanie and I headed to the grocery store to get some New Year’s Eve supplies. She chose to get a BIG bag of BIG red seedless grapes as her treat. She is a fruitaholic!
Next we went home for naps so we could all stay up late and party.
Around 5 Daddy came home and picked up the little girl to take her to a local New Year Eve’s kid event. This is something that he would never have done before, but now he is on this “be a better father” kick so he made an effort to take her out. Also, he may think it is a good way to pick up chicks!?!?
I headed over to KPs. When I got there he saw I was dressed up so he went into his room and put on a nice sweater. (Which was super cute because we had no plans to go anywhere.) I showed him all the goodies I brought over and we headed for our favorite place, the couch in the front room. There, we chatted for a bit and then started playing our new favorite addiction, a game called FLOW, that he has on his IPad. We actually take turns playing the same game at the same time. It was fun and I think we burned an hour or two on that.
A bit later we broke out the shrimp cocktail and the crab dip; he liked both of them. Score.
At 9 we got in the BIG truck to take the property tax payment down town. This is something that KP does every year. Usually he is home alone and after depositing the check in the box he comes back and goes to bed. This time I rode along and jumped out so he didn’t have to park. Then we drove back home to “celebrate” the rest of the evening.
Back at the house we opened the bottle of Champaign that I brought over. He of course didn’t want any (Miller Light only guy) and I sipped it, burped and was reminded of why I don’t like carbonated beverages. But, still, it was New Year’s Eve so I was obligated…RIGHT?
After a while we retreated to the bedroom to watch TV. We planned to watch a New Year’s Eve special but instead ended up watching Big Bang Theory for the next hour or so. We both absolutely love Big Bang. I kept sipping Champaign and by the 3rd glass it tasted MUCH better.
Around 11:30 we turned on the coverage of Times Square and realized we were too late because they are an hour ahead of us in NYC. After much disappointed we flipped channels and found another station that was nice enough to broadcast it an hour later for us Midwesterners.
At midnight we kissed and hugged and then watched a bit more TV. (BTW we can’t stand Miley Cyrus.) At 12:05 he was struggling so hard to stay awake that I told him to turn the TV off. At 12:06 he was fast asleep. At 12:07 I joined him.
In case you were wondering, Husband told me to go out for New Year’s Eve and he told me to not drive home if I had been drinking. We have not discussed KP in particular, but Husband has been telling me to go and hang out with my friends; kicking me out in the evenings every so often. In some odd way I think he feels guilty and wants me to be happy. He did once say something that made me believe he thinks I am carrying on with Uwe. I didn’t tell him that Uwe and I aren’t even speaking to each other at this point. I am sure my husband has no idea who KP is.
New Year’s Day (1-1-14)
I woke up around 5 and decided I would get up and go home at 6. I told KP and he hugged me close and said “NO!” I didn’t want to leave. I just figured it would be prudent. I fell back asleep and then decided I would stay until 7. Then we woke up and talked a bit and I decided I would go home NO LATER THAN 9. I wanted to get home and see my daughter and I knew Husband would be ready for me to relieve him of the girl. I didn't want to leave KP though.
I left at about 8:30 and picked up a McDonald’s Hazelnut Latte on the way home. All that Champaign had kicked my butt and my head was throbbing.
Back home I found everyone in a good mood and they invited me to go for a walk at the park with them. The walk was nice but the stupid dog had to go swimming in the ice cold creek and then get covered in mud. She had fun but she got really dirty and stinky.
We got home from our hike around lunch time and then Daddy went into work while Beanie and I climbed into Daddy’s bed and watched Downton Abby on PBS. Around 2 she dozed off and so did I. Around 2:15 I woke up coughing. I have had a cough for weeks and it is getting really, really old.
Daddy came home at dinner time and then we all watched TV together for a while. Ever since we started talking divorce he has actually been nicer and more interactive than ever; which is good and bad. Monday he saw his new therapist again and even came home and told me all about it. We talked quite a bit that night. He told me he wants us to remain friends even after the divorce. I told him that I didn’t know we were friends. I was being honest but it wasn’t nice. Later I told him that I did hope we could learn to really be friends going forward. (pretty sure when the reality of divorce details hit him he will change his kind demeanor.)
I have thought long and hard about how I would handle it should he start doing and saying all the right things. There is a small part of me that thinks I should give him a chance; that if he really wants to save his marriage maybe he can really make some changes, that it would be best for Beanie if we didn’t divorce. But then I think of all the lies and all the pain he has caused me and I KNOW that I could never trust this man enough to feel our marriage was real. I really don’t know if any of the stuff he is doing or saying now means anything or if it is just a bunch of BS. He is probably doing what he thinks he should do which is typical.
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