Last weekend was a big bummer and I am not even really sure why it was so bad. This is part of my problem, I know I am not happy but I can't quite put my finger on exactly why. It makes me feel somewhat helpless that I can't pinpoint my issue and effectively address it.
I'm going to lay out what is on my mind in an attempt to clarify my thoughts.
First I have to say that the weekend before last and last week where very good. I felt JDK and I were getting along well. I think we were both feeling happy and optimistic. I was defiantly thinking if things could stay this way I would be so happy.
Then Friday night he got cranky and I have no idea why. Rather than list my thought on what might have been bothering him I will just say this; I asked what was wrong, he never responded, so I just don't know. How do I know he was cranky? 1) he actually threw our just purchased dinner in the trash. 2) he then suddenly decided he needed to go grocery shopping and left the house. 3) when he returned he didn't speak to me our Beanie he just disappeared into the basement. To summarize....he acted very oddly and then obviously felt he wanted to get away from us.
Saturday morning I was still feeling a bit "slapped in the face" by his mood from the prior night. He tried to be nice but the looming mood was tense. He did install the new water filtration system. It was a pretty big job and he was in a relatively good mood the whole time. Once he was done he announced he was going to go work on the projects at his house. I stayed home with Beanie who was sick and had been vomiting all night.
He was gone all day which was no surprise to me. He didn't check in or text at all. Around 6 pm he asked me if I could help him move the mattress from his house. (we wanted to swap the master mattress and box springs since his is nicer than mine.) I phoned him and explained that Beanie was still sick and could not tolerate a car ride. (She gets car sick very easily.) He assured me that he was just doing my "Honey Do" list and I said it was fine to wait until I could help. About an hour later he showed up with the mattress on the trailer and started dragging it in the house. He didn't warn me he was coming.....he didn't talk to me when he got home, just all of a sudden he was hauling a bed in the front door. I rushed to kennel Olive cause she was about to rush out the door and run off.
I voiced my concern that it wasn't a one man job and it was hard on the mattress and the house to be dragging it around. I tried to help him but he was rather brisk and unreceptive. I felt somewhat violated, like I had told him to wait and he defied my wishes.
Finally our neighbor offered to help haul the mattress in and we got the old one out to the trailer and JDK was off again without a word.
Thought: It is rude to just not speak to people....to not say anything and just show up and somewhat storm the house. Passive aggressive.
So I then assumed he would return in about 40 minutes.....a round trip. But an hour later he was still not back. I texted and asked him to come home. He said he would at dark.
He was, of course, non communicative when he returned. <<< yeah...this is the issue. The NO TALKING....just storming about doing as he pleases.
I told him I was rather run down from sitting in the house all day with the sick kid when the weather was quite beautiful. (I wanted to be out on my bike!) He professed he would have gladly watched her and I should have brought her to his house and left her on his couch. I told him that wouldn't work because she needed attention and he wouldn't have been happy about that since he was on a mission to get so much done.
Sunday morning we all slept in and when we finally got going he was nagging me to go run. I had an appointment to meet Eileen at 9:30. When I explained that to him he grumbled that he wanted to get back to his house and get back to work. I thought to myself....I'm not stopping you, you could take the kid with you. But obviously he really didn't want to do that.
I ran. He went to his house. The day was pretty much a repeat of Saturday. He was gone all day and I didn't hear a word out of him. When he finally returned around 7 pm he walked in the house with a few boxes in hand and disappeared down the steps. I was happy he had actually brought something back with him. He came up and said he was washing his car and asked if I wanted mine washed too. I said "sure" and he was out the door. That was it....hadn't talked to him at all and he was out the door to wash the cars.
I am glad he washed my car.
This morning I went to his house and saw what he accomplished. HE DID SO MUCH IT WAS MIND BOGGLING!
I must admit, for a moment, over the weekend, I was wondering if he was even there or if he was using it as an excuse to be off doing something else....even cheating....yes....I don't trust him very much.
Once I actually saw all that he did I felt a bit better.
Seriously he got about half of the list fixed.
But why do I have to feel abused by him?....the weekend felt abusive.
I felt like he wanted to get away from me and didn't want to talk to me. That he was enjoying himself at his house, drinking beer and clearing brush and he didn't care that I was home with the sick kid. Selfish I guess.....I know he would be really pissed if I said that. After all he was working to get it ready to sell. I even saw the telltale sign that he had indeed masturbated while he was there. Sorry, TMI, I know, but still.
Oh and yesterday he dug my Athleta catalog out of the recycle to look at the girls in swim suits. Stupid shit like that just seems so immature and desperate. I know it's not really a big deal but still, kind of skanky for a 42 year old man.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Thursday, March 16, 2017
My House, Your House, Our House
We finally got his house inspected so now we have a more definitive list of what must be repaired in order to get the house on the market. The inspector was at the house from 1 pm until 5 pm. He was very methodical and thorough.
I haven't seen his report and of course JDK didn't come home and give me a full accounting but as far as I know now, the house needs a new roof, some electrical work, the hot water heater was installed improperly (JDK did it) so that will need to be fixed. The furnace and AC are old and need to be replaced but they are functional so we will probably pass on that. He said the deck needed to be replaced. It is a bit rickety but replacing it seems absurd. It's not THAT bad. The lagoon may be too close to the house which could be a huge issue. I have my fingers crossed that when we measure it we will discover it is just far enough to pass inspection. There are some other issues like some rotten door frames and the header boards on the garage are rotten evidently. The list is long and it could get costly and of course it won't all get fixed anytime soon.
JDK came home and made sure I knew how overwhelmed and unhappy he is about it. I am sure that he will try to spend as little money as possible and take his sweet time getting the issues addressed.
I have been mulling over how I feel about all this and how I will be involved going forward because it's complicated.
While I was at his house yesterday I piddled in the kitchen doing some cleaning and organizing. Everywhere I looked I saw issues. The cabinets are dirty and have some weird stains. The white electric stove is 20 years old and looks it. The stainless steel fridge is nice because I purchased it only 8 years ago, but it has a dent in it that you just can't miss. The door knobs are all the bright brass color and they are dirty too. All the doors look beat up and worn. The window sill is chipped and really needs some paint. The wood floor is faded, dirty and scratched up. Everywhere you look....little junky things that need fixing. It IS overwhelming.
I was, however, thrilled when the gas fireplace worked. No one has turned it on in over 10 years!
Basically what I am saying is that even when the mechanical and structural issues are addressed there is still a lot of esthetic issues as well. I am not sure how much of it to fix/change and how much to let it go but it will certainly need a lot of work either way. I am happy to clean and even paint (a little) but I don't have a lot of time or energy to really put into it.
And honestly, his lack of upkeep around there is a big reason we are in this situation. He chose to ignore and not fix things as he noticed them. He could have been fixing things as he went along but he chose to keep his money in the bank and spend his time playing with his bikes, etc.
The other thing on my mind is money. At one point, assuming we were going to get married and be a real family I was totally up for pitching in financially to get his house sold, or renovated if we kept it. But given the conversations we have had in the past few months I have changed my mind. If he doesn't want to get married and share finances then any money I put into his house is just me giving him money. He will sell that house and bank the cash and I will see none of it so why would I help him out? It would be different if he was planning on putting the funds toward the house we keep but he won't. SO...decision made, I am not going to help him financially.
Also, when I was up there I realized that I have cleaned out and moved everything that is not his personal stuff. The kitchen, 2 spare baths and three spare bedrooms are basically done. A little cleaning and they could be ready to sell. But the basement, garage and his bedroom are still chocked full of his belongings. He has not moved 95% of it. He moved his guns, ammo, and clothes he wears. That is it. Oh and his bikes. Most of his bikes are here.
I have no idea what his plan is.....I am still not sure he will actually sell it. And if he does it won't be any time soon. My optimistic guess is maybe next spring. A year from now, or more. Yeah....he'll fart around and drag this out as long as possible.
If it were me I would want to get it over with. If it were me I would be worried that anything could happen. A tree could fall on it during the next storm. It could burn to the ground. Or more likely get vandalized since it is vacant. Not to mention the monthly house payment for a house NO ONE lives in. But I need to remember, it is NOT my house and I don't have to care one bit what happens to it.
I do however care that he lives here for free and I am a we bit pissed that it could a year or more before that changes. Or I could look at it like this; if he weren't here my bills would basically be the same. I would be paying for everything. Right now, he pays for groceries which probably covers the extra water and utilities he consumes. So I break even....right?
Still, if we were a real family we would be making smart financial decisions as a unit and we wouldn't be lingering around with two $300k houses.
To be blunt about it....I think he is being ridiculous and stupid about all this and I am actively trying to not give a shit.
I haven't seen his report and of course JDK didn't come home and give me a full accounting but as far as I know now, the house needs a new roof, some electrical work, the hot water heater was installed improperly (JDK did it) so that will need to be fixed. The furnace and AC are old and need to be replaced but they are functional so we will probably pass on that. He said the deck needed to be replaced. It is a bit rickety but replacing it seems absurd. It's not THAT bad. The lagoon may be too close to the house which could be a huge issue. I have my fingers crossed that when we measure it we will discover it is just far enough to pass inspection. There are some other issues like some rotten door frames and the header boards on the garage are rotten evidently. The list is long and it could get costly and of course it won't all get fixed anytime soon.
JDK came home and made sure I knew how overwhelmed and unhappy he is about it. I am sure that he will try to spend as little money as possible and take his sweet time getting the issues addressed.
I have been mulling over how I feel about all this and how I will be involved going forward because it's complicated.
While I was at his house yesterday I piddled in the kitchen doing some cleaning and organizing. Everywhere I looked I saw issues. The cabinets are dirty and have some weird stains. The white electric stove is 20 years old and looks it. The stainless steel fridge is nice because I purchased it only 8 years ago, but it has a dent in it that you just can't miss. The door knobs are all the bright brass color and they are dirty too. All the doors look beat up and worn. The window sill is chipped and really needs some paint. The wood floor is faded, dirty and scratched up. Everywhere you look....little junky things that need fixing. It IS overwhelming.
I was, however, thrilled when the gas fireplace worked. No one has turned it on in over 10 years!
Basically what I am saying is that even when the mechanical and structural issues are addressed there is still a lot of esthetic issues as well. I am not sure how much of it to fix/change and how much to let it go but it will certainly need a lot of work either way. I am happy to clean and even paint (a little) but I don't have a lot of time or energy to really put into it.
And honestly, his lack of upkeep around there is a big reason we are in this situation. He chose to ignore and not fix things as he noticed them. He could have been fixing things as he went along but he chose to keep his money in the bank and spend his time playing with his bikes, etc.
The other thing on my mind is money. At one point, assuming we were going to get married and be a real family I was totally up for pitching in financially to get his house sold, or renovated if we kept it. But given the conversations we have had in the past few months I have changed my mind. If he doesn't want to get married and share finances then any money I put into his house is just me giving him money. He will sell that house and bank the cash and I will see none of it so why would I help him out? It would be different if he was planning on putting the funds toward the house we keep but he won't. SO...decision made, I am not going to help him financially.
Also, when I was up there I realized that I have cleaned out and moved everything that is not his personal stuff. The kitchen, 2 spare baths and three spare bedrooms are basically done. A little cleaning and they could be ready to sell. But the basement, garage and his bedroom are still chocked full of his belongings. He has not moved 95% of it. He moved his guns, ammo, and clothes he wears. That is it. Oh and his bikes. Most of his bikes are here.
I have no idea what his plan is.....I am still not sure he will actually sell it. And if he does it won't be any time soon. My optimistic guess is maybe next spring. A year from now, or more. Yeah....he'll fart around and drag this out as long as possible.
If it were me I would want to get it over with. If it were me I would be worried that anything could happen. A tree could fall on it during the next storm. It could burn to the ground. Or more likely get vandalized since it is vacant. Not to mention the monthly house payment for a house NO ONE lives in. But I need to remember, it is NOT my house and I don't have to care one bit what happens to it.
I do however care that he lives here for free and I am a we bit pissed that it could a year or more before that changes. Or I could look at it like this; if he weren't here my bills would basically be the same. I would be paying for everything. Right now, he pays for groceries which probably covers the extra water and utilities he consumes. So I break even....right?
Still, if we were a real family we would be making smart financial decisions as a unit and we wouldn't be lingering around with two $300k houses.
To be blunt about it....I think he is being ridiculous and stupid about all this and I am actively trying to not give a shit.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
What's Up
Got up and ran this morning. Really glad I did. It makes me feel good. But waking up was difficult. Even though I woke up before the alarm (as usual) I did not feel awake, thanks to daylight savings time I was very groggy. Then there is my back; which has been bothering me ever since I crashed on our ski trip. The bruises from that trip are mostly healed but lately I have been waking with a terrible tweak around my shoulder blade, upper neck. At first I couldn't imagine how i was managing to hurt my back in my sleep, but then I figured out that I am craning my neck so I don't snore. Historically, tilting my head back would stop the storing, however lately no matter how far back I pull my head I snore (with my mouth closed). So basically I can't stop it any more and on top of the neck pain, I wake up with a sore throat every morning now too. Add to all of that the ever present sore feet and it is a small wonder I actually get my ass out the door at 5:15 am. to run.
The thing that really bothers me about the snoring thing is I don't know how to fix it and it is really making me miserable. I am tired of feeling like total crap when I wake up.
Yesterday we were scheduled to get JDK's house inspected. It is step ONE for getting it ready to sell. Plan is to have the inspection as a list of what must be fixed before we list the house. I am in charge of staging and esthetics. He is in charge of making the mechanical / structural fixes required. We were there at 8 but the inspector was a no show. I phoned and he didn't have me on the schedule. I am sure he was busy and forgot to write it down. I felt sucker punched by life. The guy rescheduled for next week but I found another guy who is coming tomorrow. But, while we were there we packed up a few things to move and threw out some stuff. Working together on that made me feel we are on the same page.
Last few weeks I have been slowly and methodically moving stuff from his house to mine. I started before he even said he was selling it by moving Beanie's stuff. Figured if we aren't staying there why store her stuff there....right? After her room I tackled the "office/spare room/craft room". There was a lot of junk in there but it has been sorted and either integrated into my house, place in the garage sale pile or pitched. We are leaving the living room untouched for staging. I did swap out the AMAZING knife set at his house for the good one at my house. I have moved other favorite kitchen items over. He hasn't seemed upset so that is good.
His bedroom and most of his clothes are still in tact. The basement storage, garage and his man cave are barely touched. These are "his" parts of the house and I am leaving it to him to either move them or ask for my help. I honestly wouldn't know what to do with his stuff other than move it here and leave him a pile to deal with. I did reshuffle my stuff downstairs so he would have ample room to start moving things in should he feel like. So far all that have been relocated are his guns/ammo, bikes and fire box. Usually he checks on his house, grabs the mail (which he hasn't forwarded) and doesn't bring back a car load. Not sure why that is......maybe just lazy?
Last weekend JDK did work his butt off to fix my under the counter water filtration system. It had been leaking and the filters were way over due to be changed. Long story short, I had buy a new one which he will install when it comes. I really do appreciate all that he does around here. He also trimmed the rose bushes which is a god forsaken task. It only took him a few hours. Last year it took me all day. Again, so glad he is here to help.
Another thing that has me happy is we discussed a little home remodeling idea that I have. There is a silly little 1/2 wall that separates the hall from the living room. It has always seemed unnecessary to me and if I had built the house I would have skipped it all together. I mentioned that it would be a cool idea to turn it into a book shelf by knocking out the drywall between the studs and building in some shelves. He actually loved the idea and said he would totally do that after his house is sold. YEAH
Last few days have been really good between us. I did suggest marriage counseling again and he grudgingly said he would go. I asked if it was just the cost and he said he just doesn't like the idea because it will bring up negative things. I think we need help with communication....that would be my objective. For now it is not off the table but I haven't picked up the phone to make an appointment either.
The thing that really bothers me about the snoring thing is I don't know how to fix it and it is really making me miserable. I am tired of feeling like total crap when I wake up.
Yesterday we were scheduled to get JDK's house inspected. It is step ONE for getting it ready to sell. Plan is to have the inspection as a list of what must be fixed before we list the house. I am in charge of staging and esthetics. He is in charge of making the mechanical / structural fixes required. We were there at 8 but the inspector was a no show. I phoned and he didn't have me on the schedule. I am sure he was busy and forgot to write it down. I felt sucker punched by life. The guy rescheduled for next week but I found another guy who is coming tomorrow. But, while we were there we packed up a few things to move and threw out some stuff. Working together on that made me feel we are on the same page.
Last few weeks I have been slowly and methodically moving stuff from his house to mine. I started before he even said he was selling it by moving Beanie's stuff. Figured if we aren't staying there why store her stuff there....right? After her room I tackled the "office/spare room/craft room". There was a lot of junk in there but it has been sorted and either integrated into my house, place in the garage sale pile or pitched. We are leaving the living room untouched for staging. I did swap out the AMAZING knife set at his house for the good one at my house. I have moved other favorite kitchen items over. He hasn't seemed upset so that is good.
His bedroom and most of his clothes are still in tact. The basement storage, garage and his man cave are barely touched. These are "his" parts of the house and I am leaving it to him to either move them or ask for my help. I honestly wouldn't know what to do with his stuff other than move it here and leave him a pile to deal with. I did reshuffle my stuff downstairs so he would have ample room to start moving things in should he feel like. So far all that have been relocated are his guns/ammo, bikes and fire box. Usually he checks on his house, grabs the mail (which he hasn't forwarded) and doesn't bring back a car load. Not sure why that is......maybe just lazy?
Last weekend JDK did work his butt off to fix my under the counter water filtration system. It had been leaking and the filters were way over due to be changed. Long story short, I had buy a new one which he will install when it comes. I really do appreciate all that he does around here. He also trimmed the rose bushes which is a god forsaken task. It only took him a few hours. Last year it took me all day. Again, so glad he is here to help.
Another thing that has me happy is we discussed a little home remodeling idea that I have. There is a silly little 1/2 wall that separates the hall from the living room. It has always seemed unnecessary to me and if I had built the house I would have skipped it all together. I mentioned that it would be a cool idea to turn it into a book shelf by knocking out the drywall between the studs and building in some shelves. He actually loved the idea and said he would totally do that after his house is sold. YEAH
Last few days have been really good between us. I did suggest marriage counseling again and he grudgingly said he would go. I asked if it was just the cost and he said he just doesn't like the idea because it will bring up negative things. I think we need help with communication....that would be my objective. For now it is not off the table but I haven't picked up the phone to make an appointment either.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Talking
Last night when we went to bed I decided to give talking a try. I know we need talk and I know that it is up to me to make talks happen. He will not be the one to initiate a conversation.
It didn't totally suck but it wasn't very satisfying either. And, come to think of it, this is how they usually go when I do force them on him. He says very little, pulls away rather than comforting me, deflects and criticizes rather than hearing and understanding me. Last night I heard the expected "we should just focus on making the future better....isn't that the best solution?" Gosh, that sounds so simple...why can't I just do that?
So then I thought long and hard about why that doesn't seem good enough. I guess deep down I am still hurt and I want / need him to apologize and explain how the past is gone and he is sorry for it. To refuse to discuss the past feels like he is dismissing my pain and concern. He may be ready to put the past behind us and move on but at times I really struggle. It is very hard for me to get past the crappy way he has treated me in the past. I feel it reflects who he is and I need to see that he is no longer that person...that he has changed. Maybe I am totally wrong.
Thinking harder....we can probably scratch that last paragraph.
Maybe it really boils down to the fact that I feel like I am trapped in the same problem we have had all along. He doesn't seem to really be committed to this. I feel like he is doing his best to keep all options open as long as possible. I feel like he has stepped up his game from last time (meaning when we were married) but it is still the same game. Now he tries harder to make me happy but ultimately it feels that he is not in it for the right reasons. I guess I still doubt his love for me, his commitment to US.
Maybe I am crazy?
I see him balking at selling his house. He has no interest in talking about getting married again. He often seems to avoid sex and intimacy.
AND...if i point this out to him I hear the following:
House sale: "Calm down, I am working on it". "I will sell my house but I'm not excited about getting rid of my toys. So yea, I may not seem all that thrilled to sell it."
Marriage: "Things need to be better." "We aren't there yet."
Sex: "I don't want to push myself on you." "You didn't seem to be in the mood."
On and on it goes.....he is always the rational sane one and I am the one who is emotional and pushy and never happy.
YET, my gut tells me that something isn't right.
It didn't totally suck but it wasn't very satisfying either. And, come to think of it, this is how they usually go when I do force them on him. He says very little, pulls away rather than comforting me, deflects and criticizes rather than hearing and understanding me. Last night I heard the expected "we should just focus on making the future better....isn't that the best solution?" Gosh, that sounds so simple...why can't I just do that?
So then I thought long and hard about why that doesn't seem good enough. I guess deep down I am still hurt and I want / need him to apologize and explain how the past is gone and he is sorry for it. To refuse to discuss the past feels like he is dismissing my pain and concern. He may be ready to put the past behind us and move on but at times I really struggle. It is very hard for me to get past the crappy way he has treated me in the past. I feel it reflects who he is and I need to see that he is no longer that person...that he has changed. Maybe I am totally wrong.
Thinking harder....we can probably scratch that last paragraph.
Maybe it really boils down to the fact that I feel like I am trapped in the same problem we have had all along. He doesn't seem to really be committed to this. I feel like he is doing his best to keep all options open as long as possible. I feel like he has stepped up his game from last time (meaning when we were married) but it is still the same game. Now he tries harder to make me happy but ultimately it feels that he is not in it for the right reasons. I guess I still doubt his love for me, his commitment to US.
Maybe I am crazy?
I see him balking at selling his house. He has no interest in talking about getting married again. He often seems to avoid sex and intimacy.
AND...if i point this out to him I hear the following:
House sale: "Calm down, I am working on it". "I will sell my house but I'm not excited about getting rid of my toys. So yea, I may not seem all that thrilled to sell it."
Marriage: "Things need to be better." "We aren't there yet."
Sex: "I don't want to push myself on you." "You didn't seem to be in the mood."
On and on it goes.....he is always the rational sane one and I am the one who is emotional and pushy and never happy.
YET, my gut tells me that something isn't right.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Moody and Silent
This morning I was in the bathroom reading my Facebook and thinking about....well....going #2. JDK came in and asked me what I was doing and I told him. He then told me that Beanie was crying and he wanted to know if I knew why.
Well I hadn't seen her in quit some time and I had no idea what was wrong. I was just minding my own business since this house (family) seems to value being off on your own more than being together communicating, cooperating. (sorry...just feeling pissy)
I had put her hair in a ponytail maybe 15 minutes ago and she seemed fine then.
I went in the kitchen where she was eating cereal and sniffling. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. I noticed her cereal looked mushy; she hates the bottom of the box, so I asked her if that was the issue. Still no answer, just tears and sniffles.
I then pulled the bowl away from her so she would quit staring into it and said in a firm voice "tell me why you are upset". JDK and I both peered at her in anticipation and she said nothing. I then asked again and she said she didn't want to say because I would get mad. I told her that I would not get mad if she would just explain herself but not talking was indeed going to make me angry.
She then said that me yelling at her was upsetting her. I didn't yell at her but by now I was out of patience for the whole scene.
I then said, in an angry tone, that she had been crying when I was in the other room so there was no way I was making her cry by yelling at her. I insisted she explain what was really wrong and she cried some more, saying nothing.
I then yelled (why not? I am being accused of it anyway) and told them both that I am sick and tired of people being moody and refusing to discuss what is bothering them and the fact that open, honest communication is something that seems off limits around here is troubling. That in my mind, keeping secrets and being moody are not the way to have a happy healthy family....that being grumpy and distant doesn't solve problems, it creates them. I said it is too bad we can't support each other and discuss our feelings so we can solve problems and get along better; that being silent is a form of abandonment. You are not doing your family a favor by keeping your feelings to yourself; you are just isolating yourself. Talking is the only way I know to solve problems and make things better and I am sick and tired of how the dynamics around here actively thwart such efforts.
Obviously the issue, for me, is bigger than the kid being moody for no reason. Although her not answering questions when asked is thoroughly irritating and I am really sick of it. In my FOO it was deemed disrespectful and you would be punished. I DO feel it is disrespectful and i want to discourage it and eliminate it but I can't figure out how.
The bigger problem is that I feel I can't be open and honest, that JDK won't be open and honest and that the child is learning that expressing her feelings and needs is not a good idea.
Seriously it is fucked up and I feel very trapped in this cycle and can't seem to figure out how to break it. It makes me feel very anxious, cornered even.
If I do express my feelings about things that upset me I get the following responses:
1) why can't you be more grateful and positive? Can we please just enjoy all the things that are better.
2) you are a negative person.
3) WOW - I am shocked and hurt that you feel that way (and he withdraws and won't speak to me for hours if not days.)
4) I am sorry that I don't make you happy. I try so hard. You will never be happy no matter what I do.
Well I hadn't seen her in quit some time and I had no idea what was wrong. I was just minding my own business since this house (family) seems to value being off on your own more than being together communicating, cooperating. (sorry...just feeling pissy)
I had put her hair in a ponytail maybe 15 minutes ago and she seemed fine then.
I went in the kitchen where she was eating cereal and sniffling. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. I noticed her cereal looked mushy; she hates the bottom of the box, so I asked her if that was the issue. Still no answer, just tears and sniffles.
I then pulled the bowl away from her so she would quit staring into it and said in a firm voice "tell me why you are upset". JDK and I both peered at her in anticipation and she said nothing. I then asked again and she said she didn't want to say because I would get mad. I told her that I would not get mad if she would just explain herself but not talking was indeed going to make me angry.
She then said that me yelling at her was upsetting her. I didn't yell at her but by now I was out of patience for the whole scene.
I then said, in an angry tone, that she had been crying when I was in the other room so there was no way I was making her cry by yelling at her. I insisted she explain what was really wrong and she cried some more, saying nothing.
I then yelled (why not? I am being accused of it anyway) and told them both that I am sick and tired of people being moody and refusing to discuss what is bothering them and the fact that open, honest communication is something that seems off limits around here is troubling. That in my mind, keeping secrets and being moody are not the way to have a happy healthy family....that being grumpy and distant doesn't solve problems, it creates them. I said it is too bad we can't support each other and discuss our feelings so we can solve problems and get along better; that being silent is a form of abandonment. You are not doing your family a favor by keeping your feelings to yourself; you are just isolating yourself. Talking is the only way I know to solve problems and make things better and I am sick and tired of how the dynamics around here actively thwart such efforts.
Obviously the issue, for me, is bigger than the kid being moody for no reason. Although her not answering questions when asked is thoroughly irritating and I am really sick of it. In my FOO it was deemed disrespectful and you would be punished. I DO feel it is disrespectful and i want to discourage it and eliminate it but I can't figure out how.
The bigger problem is that I feel I can't be open and honest, that JDK won't be open and honest and that the child is learning that expressing her feelings and needs is not a good idea.
Seriously it is fucked up and I feel very trapped in this cycle and can't seem to figure out how to break it. It makes me feel very anxious, cornered even.
If I do express my feelings about things that upset me I get the following responses:
1) why can't you be more grateful and positive? Can we please just enjoy all the things that are better.
2) you are a negative person.
3) WOW - I am shocked and hurt that you feel that way (and he withdraws and won't speak to me for hours if not days.)
4) I am sorry that I don't make you happy. I try so hard. You will never be happy no matter what I do.
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