I keep thinking that if two reasonable, intelligent, capable people really love each other and want to make their marriage work they should be able to do it. But, of course, the fights keep coming and the situation never really changes much.Here is the latest installment and I will try and keep it brief so as not to bore you with the same old fight, different day.
Ever since the cops prowled around my house without my knowledge, I have been hankering to get another dog. Besides, I miss my dog and my daughter does too. I like that extra companionship. And, if you have been following along, you might realize that we lose more chickens when there is not a dog in the yard to chase off all the other things that want to get the chickens. So I discussed it with my husband and he, knowing it was important to me, agreed. However, if it were up to him, we would NOT get another dog. He views it as just adding more responsibility and complication to our lives. (He is right, but I see a benefit that outweighs the cost.)
He told me he would prefer to wait until spring to acquire our new pet. I urged him to discuss details with me such as what breed he would like, puppy or grown dog, names, and stuff like that. He, true to form, declined discussion. (Later he said I once again left him out of decision process.)
I started watching Craig’s list after finding that The Humane Society wants $100 for a dog and Second Chance wants even more. I don’t want to pay that much for a mutt! (I’m an accountant what can I say?) One day I found a dog that looked just right for me and after seeing her in person asked my husband if I could indeed get the dog now. He grudgingly said yes and I made a point to say “if it is going to really hack you off I will pass this dog up and wait. Just say so and I won’t bring her home.” He said “get the dog”.
When I arrived home with the dog, he was not there. He got home hours later and behaved like a total jerk. I was so angry with him I could not see straight. All he had to do was say “no” and we could have avoided this fight. His reply was “you knew I would not be excited.” Yes, I knew he would not be excited, however, I didn’t expect him to be mean to me and the dog and basically unleash the “I hate you” vibe.
The fight of course, transcended the dog issue and went deeper into our real issues: communication, commitment, closeness and sharing. After much frank discussion about all of this I finally told him that I believe he loves me, but not that he is IN LOVE with me. He assured me that he loves me in all ways and said he would work harder to prove it to me. I reminded him that I have some serious abandonment issues and that my trust in mankind was pretty low. He said that was unfortunate but that we had the rest of our lives to work on making our marriage a healthy and happy marriage.
Now, I like the rhetoric, but my first thought is (and this shows you the depth of my neuroses):
1) I doubt you mean that, you are just saying what you think I want to hear.
2) Even if you do mean it, you probably won’t do anything about it. Nothing will change.
3) Even if you do mean it today, you can still change your mind tomorrow so what does it really matter.
After the fight, I was peeling back the layers of the onion trying to figure out what is at the root of my issues…..the basic cause of my problem, and it was not hard to realize that I just don’t trust anybody, anytime, for any reason. I have ZERO faith in mankind to do the right thing, mean anything they say, actually make a commitment and stick to it. Basically, I don’t trust people and it permeates everything I do and all the relationships I have.
