Last night at around 9 pm it hit me. I suddenly felt like my chest was full of goop, my head was foggy and my nose plugged up. I took some decongestant and went to bed.
Woke up in the middle of the night choking on phlegm. YUCK
Got up to run this morning and started hack (croupy) coughing. Usually I would soldier on but since I have been having breathing issues when running even when I am not sick I decided to go back to bed and try again tomorrow.
I haven't been to the gym since we moved and I haven't been running much either which really makes me feel negative about myself.
I have stalled out on the weight loss project at about 135. If I could get below 130 (what I consider my normal weight) I would sure feel better.
Still have tons to do on the new house but the list is finally under control. Today I installed door stops downstairs. NONE of the doors had one and I just can't believe no one ever put a door knob through a wall.
I also finished up the guest room so Kevin's daughter, J, can stay over this weekend. She is coming to town to visit. I think we are watching G again too. Will be a busy weekend.
Now I am heading out to do some shopping, take Monster to the gym (drop off and pick up an hour later) and pick up Beanie from school.
Wish I could just go back to bed. I took a 12 hours Sudafed and I think that is all that is keeping me going. I still feel ache.....maybe I will take some Aleve.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Furnishing the new house
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| We bought Furniture for the Porch. |
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| I LOVE IT!! |
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| We finally got the new craft "hutch" home and in the kitchen. |
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| Look at the inside!! So nice. |
Friday, March 27, 2015
Question about views
I notice that most of my posts only have about 7 or so views but then one will have 78 views. I don't see how this happens unless people come back and read them over and over?
I read about a dozen blogs and I rarely have time (or the inclination) to read a post twice so this is bothering me. It feels stalker-ish.
Any ideas?
I read about a dozen blogs and I rarely have time (or the inclination) to read a post twice so this is bothering me. It feels stalker-ish.
Any ideas?
Thursday, March 26, 2015
He's Back from the Dead
Monday or Tuesday night, I can't recall which it was, Kevin came home from work, was a grumpy ass and fell asleep really early. Then in the middle of the night he was up hacking and wheezing constantly. He wasn't quiet for more than a minute at a time. No one was sleeping and everyone was unhappy.
I told him Wednesday morning that he should go to the doctor; that it had been a week and he was not better and maybe he needed antibiotics. He agreed if he wasn't better by Friday he would seek out medical help and headed to work as usual.
Last night we both fell asleep early yet this time when we both woke up in the middle of the night he sounded so much better. He coughed a little and we both went back to sleep.
This morning he declared that he still felt sick but had finally turned the corner and felt recovery was eminent.
After work he came home and confessed he couldn't even remember Monday through Wednesday. He was so sick that it is all just a blur.
I am so happy that my Kevy is back. He was really unpleasant there for a while.
I told him Wednesday morning that he should go to the doctor; that it had been a week and he was not better and maybe he needed antibiotics. He agreed if he wasn't better by Friday he would seek out medical help and headed to work as usual.
Last night we both fell asleep early yet this time when we both woke up in the middle of the night he sounded so much better. He coughed a little and we both went back to sleep.
This morning he declared that he still felt sick but had finally turned the corner and felt recovery was eminent.
After work he came home and confessed he couldn't even remember Monday through Wednesday. He was so sick that it is all just a blur.
I am so happy that my Kevy is back. He was really unpleasant there for a while.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Friss Graduates
Today is the big day!!
Friss graduates from the "program".
The boy has been looking forward to this big event for months. He talks about it all the time. I am really excited for him.
Let me tell you what I knew about it before the graduation:
He entered the program last February. They have to request to be involved and then they get approved and are moved to a special wing where ONLY the people in the program live. The program then become there WHOLE life. They don't have a job while in the program....if you want to do the program you have to quit your job. The first month he wasn't even aloud to make phone calls. He told me it was hard to complete and that generally 95% of the people who start end up dropping out. (I never doubted he would stick with it.) They challenge you to change your thinking and face ALL your weaknesses. It is a life altering experience. Inmates that graduate are looked very favorably upon by the parole board. It is a HUGE plus on his record.
I arrived at 11 am as instructed and they checked us all in quickly with minimal scrutiny. Once we got inside the inmates were milling around the room. I walked right in and Friss hugged me and whisked me to a seat in the front row. (I think I was the first person to come in....I was just so excited)
We sat in chairs side by side and held hands (a typical visit involves facing chairs and no contact) and talked and we both teared up a bit. The anticipation was overwhelming. This is SUCH a big deal for them. We all waited for the last of the guests to arrive. Some of the lower phase inmates brought us coffee if we wanted it.
While we waited Friss introduced me to Cindy the head of the program. A lovely older woman who has dedicated her life to helping people. He told me she has some health issues and was considering retiring but just couldn't give up her life's calling. I am always in awe of people who can do this type of work and not burn out. I know I could never do it. I kept thinking these are good people, doing good things and making a difference in peoples lives.
First they introduced all the directors of the program and then the 9 men who were graduating. Then each man introduced his family that had come to visit. Then, one by one, each man took the podium and gave a speech (maybe 10 minutes or so). Each one telling about how their lives had been before the program and how they are now; how they are so happy that they chose to make the changes. How life has so much more hope for them. They thanked there families for supporting them. More than one of them had me in tears and someone behind me passed me a tissue.
I was so proud of Friss and all the men. Many of them from broken homes in poor neighborhoods who had been raised in a life of crime. My son is just a bright minded, lily-white boy who really didn't have nearly as much to "overcome".
They went on to hand out some awards and do some photos and then we all ate cake and mingled some more. Friss introduced me to the guy he rooms with, the guy who can challenge him at a game of chess and his old boss from when he was doing computer programming. He introduced me to his favorite facilitators and the boys who went to Buddhist call out with him. Everyone was quite awesome.
I was the last to leave....it was around 3 pm. I drove home so full of joy and hope. It was a great day!!!
ITC classes as listed in the commencement brochure:
Phase 1 - criminality, substance abuse education and treatment, anger management, AA steps 1 & 2.
Phase 2 - violence modules, substance abuse, AA steps 3 - 9.
Phase 3 - Commitment to change, impact of crime on victims, AA steps 10-12.
Phase 4 - Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, Self-Esteem, Relapse Prevention.
Phase 5 - Good intentions bad choices, Advanced relapse prevention, advance criminality.
Phase 6 - Chronic relapse prevention, character building, relapse prevention
Many of these men will never get out having been sentenced to life without parole yet they still have chosen to lead a better life. Some of them will go on to work in the program as facilitators and mentors.
Friss will hopefully get transferred to a lower level camp soon where he can get on a work release program and actually make some money.
Friss graduates from the "program".
The boy has been looking forward to this big event for months. He talks about it all the time. I am really excited for him.
Let me tell you what I knew about it before the graduation:
He entered the program last February. They have to request to be involved and then they get approved and are moved to a special wing where ONLY the people in the program live. The program then become there WHOLE life. They don't have a job while in the program....if you want to do the program you have to quit your job. The first month he wasn't even aloud to make phone calls. He told me it was hard to complete and that generally 95% of the people who start end up dropping out. (I never doubted he would stick with it.) They challenge you to change your thinking and face ALL your weaknesses. It is a life altering experience. Inmates that graduate are looked very favorably upon by the parole board. It is a HUGE plus on his record.
I arrived at 11 am as instructed and they checked us all in quickly with minimal scrutiny. Once we got inside the inmates were milling around the room. I walked right in and Friss hugged me and whisked me to a seat in the front row. (I think I was the first person to come in....I was just so excited)
We sat in chairs side by side and held hands (a typical visit involves facing chairs and no contact) and talked and we both teared up a bit. The anticipation was overwhelming. This is SUCH a big deal for them. We all waited for the last of the guests to arrive. Some of the lower phase inmates brought us coffee if we wanted it.
While we waited Friss introduced me to Cindy the head of the program. A lovely older woman who has dedicated her life to helping people. He told me she has some health issues and was considering retiring but just couldn't give up her life's calling. I am always in awe of people who can do this type of work and not burn out. I know I could never do it. I kept thinking these are good people, doing good things and making a difference in peoples lives.
First they introduced all the directors of the program and then the 9 men who were graduating. Then each man introduced his family that had come to visit. Then, one by one, each man took the podium and gave a speech (maybe 10 minutes or so). Each one telling about how their lives had been before the program and how they are now; how they are so happy that they chose to make the changes. How life has so much more hope for them. They thanked there families for supporting them. More than one of them had me in tears and someone behind me passed me a tissue.
I was so proud of Friss and all the men. Many of them from broken homes in poor neighborhoods who had been raised in a life of crime. My son is just a bright minded, lily-white boy who really didn't have nearly as much to "overcome".
They went on to hand out some awards and do some photos and then we all ate cake and mingled some more. Friss introduced me to the guy he rooms with, the guy who can challenge him at a game of chess and his old boss from when he was doing computer programming. He introduced me to his favorite facilitators and the boys who went to Buddhist call out with him. Everyone was quite awesome.
I was the last to leave....it was around 3 pm. I drove home so full of joy and hope. It was a great day!!!
ITC classes as listed in the commencement brochure:
Phase 1 - criminality, substance abuse education and treatment, anger management, AA steps 1 & 2.
Phase 2 - violence modules, substance abuse, AA steps 3 - 9.
Phase 3 - Commitment to change, impact of crime on victims, AA steps 10-12.
Phase 4 - Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, Self-Esteem, Relapse Prevention.
Phase 5 - Good intentions bad choices, Advanced relapse prevention, advance criminality.
Phase 6 - Chronic relapse prevention, character building, relapse prevention
Many of these men will never get out having been sentenced to life without parole yet they still have chosen to lead a better life. Some of them will go on to work in the program as facilitators and mentors.
Friss will hopefully get transferred to a lower level camp soon where he can get on a work release program and actually make some money.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Day to Day
It has been two weeks since we bought the house and I still can't believe how busy I am. I have a notepad (full size 8.5x11) that I am keeping a list of things I need to do. It is FULL and just as fast as I get one thing done I add another.
I need to get taxes done too. I am really procrastinating on them. I just haven't felt like sitting at a computer much lately. I am still getting details of the house in order and that is currently of more interest.
I have been shopping a lot too; looking for a kitchen table and a patio set for the screened in porch. I am not a huge fan of shopping. I know it sounds wishy-washy but I worry I will pick something out that is expensive, get it delivered and then see it IN the house and regret the purchase. I have that much confidence in my ability to make a good choice! On top of that, being unemployed makes me feel I have no right to be spending money. (Although I have been using coupons and buying things on sale.) If it were up to me we would just do without a kitchen table for a while. Heck, I lived for a few years with no couch after Randy and I got divorced.
Kevin reassures me that he is getting his bonus in April and we can afford this stuff. He wants the house put together and done.
Some days I feel like such a worthless mooch because I am not working. I have to remind myself that it has only been 3 weeks and I will get another job. Then other days I think about how I plunked ALL my life's savings down to buy this house and I really shouldn't feel guilty for one second about not working right now. I prepaid for this gig....LOL. Besides, I am a kick ass house wife and stay at home mom. I never sit down!
I need to get taxes done too. I am really procrastinating on them. I just haven't felt like sitting at a computer much lately. I am still getting details of the house in order and that is currently of more interest.
I have been shopping a lot too; looking for a kitchen table and a patio set for the screened in porch. I am not a huge fan of shopping. I know it sounds wishy-washy but I worry I will pick something out that is expensive, get it delivered and then see it IN the house and regret the purchase. I have that much confidence in my ability to make a good choice! On top of that, being unemployed makes me feel I have no right to be spending money. (Although I have been using coupons and buying things on sale.) If it were up to me we would just do without a kitchen table for a while. Heck, I lived for a few years with no couch after Randy and I got divorced.
Kevin reassures me that he is getting his bonus in April and we can afford this stuff. He wants the house put together and done.
Some days I feel like such a worthless mooch because I am not working. I have to remind myself that it has only been 3 weeks and I will get another job. Then other days I think about how I plunked ALL my life's savings down to buy this house and I really shouldn't feel guilty for one second about not working right now. I prepaid for this gig....LOL. Besides, I am a kick ass house wife and stay at home mom. I never sit down!
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Grumpy Sick Man Babysits
Today I finally got to ride my bike for the first time this year. The weather was perfect and I did a rather hilly 22 mile loop from the new house. Overall I felt pretty darn good considering I haven't been on the bike since last September! My butt is a little sore though.
Saturday Kevin and I finally hung some art on the walls and the new house is starting to feel and look more like home. I will post some pictures when it is more "finished".
But overall, the weekend was basically a bummer because Kevin was in a terrible mood.
First, he has been sick since last Wednesday, coughing, achy, popping meds and quite frankly being a BIG whiny baby about it. This is the first time I have ever seen him sick and it was very unpleasant. I tried very hard to be kind and helpful and make him soup, etc. He was pretty much grumpy, mean and sulky. (reminded me of JDK which was not good.) Lets just hope he doesn't get sick too often.
On top of being sick, Kevin's son (I will call him A) was in town and wanted him to babysit the 3 year old grandson G. Now Kevin is the kind of guy that is always nice to his kids and rarely says no to babysitting the grandson. He likes to spend time with him and, as of right now, they still live out of town. (Although they are now basically spending weekends at Kevin's old house until they move here permanently and buy the house.)
So the 25 year old son, A, has a part-time job at a golf driving range. He has been picking up balls and helping out. The manager is a good buddy of his. I think he is making about $9 an hour. The son, A, has to drive here for the weekend, he will go out with friends and eat out all weekend and then drive home. Pretty sure by the time he pays for gas and all his expenses for the weekend he is netting a negative cash flow. But I guess that's not really my business.
So A brings G over on Friday night at 8:30 p.m. to drop him off so G-pa (Kevin) can keep him all weekend. (Even though he is only working during the day on Saturday and Sunday.) The child gets here with a happy meal to eat for dinner. They put him on the floor to eat (he never sits at a table) and then his father, A, tries to leave. The kid starts crying and wailing and throwing a huge fit. Beanie is in bed (her bedtime is 8 pm) and I am ready for bed and I am not excited for how this is playing out. AND G-pa is crabby and sick to boot. After about 15 minutes of inconsolable G his father, A, decides to take him home with him for the night. Thank GOD.
Saturday around 10 am G-pa goes to pick up the grandchild and brings him back to the new house. He plays happily and everything goes fine. Saturday afternoon Kevin seems a bit better and I talk him into helping me hang some art on the walls. Saturday night I get Beanie and G in bed with me around 8 to watch TV and they both fall asleep right away. I transfer them to their own beds and am so thankful that G went to sleep. His father frequently keeps him up very late and he has no set bedtime so you just never know how it will play out.
Sunday I gave Beanie to her father and Kevin grumped around with G while I went for a bike ride. I felt a little bit bad for going but not bad enough to waste a beautiful day where I actually had the chance to ride.
Sunday night G went home and Kevin went to bed early. He was very grumpy and declared it the worst weekend of his life. He can be a bit dramatic.
I worry that once A and his wife actually move back here they will want to dump the grandson on us all the time. Mostly I don't mind but I hope Kevin does set some boundaries and says no when it is appropriate.
Saturday Kevin and I finally hung some art on the walls and the new house is starting to feel and look more like home. I will post some pictures when it is more "finished".
But overall, the weekend was basically a bummer because Kevin was in a terrible mood.
First, he has been sick since last Wednesday, coughing, achy, popping meds and quite frankly being a BIG whiny baby about it. This is the first time I have ever seen him sick and it was very unpleasant. I tried very hard to be kind and helpful and make him soup, etc. He was pretty much grumpy, mean and sulky. (reminded me of JDK which was not good.) Lets just hope he doesn't get sick too often.
On top of being sick, Kevin's son (I will call him A) was in town and wanted him to babysit the 3 year old grandson G. Now Kevin is the kind of guy that is always nice to his kids and rarely says no to babysitting the grandson. He likes to spend time with him and, as of right now, they still live out of town. (Although they are now basically spending weekends at Kevin's old house until they move here permanently and buy the house.)
So the 25 year old son, A, has a part-time job at a golf driving range. He has been picking up balls and helping out. The manager is a good buddy of his. I think he is making about $9 an hour. The son, A, has to drive here for the weekend, he will go out with friends and eat out all weekend and then drive home. Pretty sure by the time he pays for gas and all his expenses for the weekend he is netting a negative cash flow. But I guess that's not really my business.
So A brings G over on Friday night at 8:30 p.m. to drop him off so G-pa (Kevin) can keep him all weekend. (Even though he is only working during the day on Saturday and Sunday.) The child gets here with a happy meal to eat for dinner. They put him on the floor to eat (he never sits at a table) and then his father, A, tries to leave. The kid starts crying and wailing and throwing a huge fit. Beanie is in bed (her bedtime is 8 pm) and I am ready for bed and I am not excited for how this is playing out. AND G-pa is crabby and sick to boot. After about 15 minutes of inconsolable G his father, A, decides to take him home with him for the night. Thank GOD.
Saturday around 10 am G-pa goes to pick up the grandchild and brings him back to the new house. He plays happily and everything goes fine. Saturday afternoon Kevin seems a bit better and I talk him into helping me hang some art on the walls. Saturday night I get Beanie and G in bed with me around 8 to watch TV and they both fall asleep right away. I transfer them to their own beds and am so thankful that G went to sleep. His father frequently keeps him up very late and he has no set bedtime so you just never know how it will play out.
Sunday I gave Beanie to her father and Kevin grumped around with G while I went for a bike ride. I felt a little bit bad for going but not bad enough to waste a beautiful day where I actually had the chance to ride.
Sunday night G went home and Kevin went to bed early. He was very grumpy and declared it the worst weekend of his life. He can be a bit dramatic.
I worry that once A and his wife actually move back here they will want to dump the grandson on us all the time. Mostly I don't mind but I hope Kevin does set some boundaries and says no when it is appropriate.
Friday, March 20, 2015
The Father that Changed his mind
Later that night the wife sent this response:
"I have no idea what you are talking about. it sounds as if I told Randy he could not see your son, and that did not happen."
a) She says she didn't actually tell him....but doesn't say she isn't all for it though. I may be splitting hairs but this response doesn't rule out the idea that she is behind his actions.
b) I never mentioned actually visiting the boy......so she read that into it which Friss thought proved she is certainly not clueless.
Now Randy indicated to me that his wife's family was part of the problem so I wrote her back and told her that and suggested that she discuss it with Randy some more. I told her the boy was heartbroken and it is so very sad.
Here is the thing, Randy is a meek little man that I am 100% sure just takes orders from his wife. He is never going to stand up to her, it is not his style. He wants NO responsibility in life and has happily handed it over to her. I venture to say he is even afraid of her.
Also, he started all this shifty behavior towards the boy in the last year.....basically it started when he got married and moved in with the new wife. Our son has been incarcerated since December of 2001 and his father has always visited and been supportive. He even ran into the prosecuting attorney (many years ago) in a bar and gently told him off! Why the hell would he suddenly change now?
I was still angry and "lubricated" with wine so I couldn't help but also mentioned how Randy unfriended me on facebook because of her and that I was still miffed at why she has animosity towards me.
She responded:
"Bloom, you have been perfectly nice to me. I have never told Randy he could not talk to you or your son. I think you need to have a talk with Randy yourself if you want to clear this up."
I then told her that Randy point blank told me he unfriended me because she was angry that I comments on his posts and he was trying to keep the peace at home. She never responded. I went to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day Randy tried to call me. I really didn't feel like listening to him hem and haw some lame excuse so I didn't answer the phone.
I texted an apology and told him I would back off. Logically I know that it is really none of my damn business what he does. The kids are grown and he is remarried and I have no right to tell him what to do.
He kept calling back periodically throughout the day.
I finally picked up late in the afternoon........he wore me down. He started giving me his excuse and said how Friss lost his trust and owed him so much, how he is worried he will be a bad influence on Monster and Ramone etc. etc.
I just saw RED!! The boy has done NOTHING new in 14 years so where does the man come up with this shit now!?!?!?! Friss owes him? He is a bad influence? I can guarantee this is shit the new wife planted in his head. He obviously has NOT been talking to the boy and doesn't even know him anymore.
SOOOO.....because I can't stay calm when people are this FUCKING STUPID....I told him off big time about how Friss is a better person than he is and how we could all learn from him, and so on. Then I told him to fuck off and hung up on him. (I know...not the most mature thing to do.)
Just a few days ago I listened to Friss tell me how he forgives his father and will always have an open heart for him should he change his mind. He spoke of being one with the universe and how cutting people out only harms your own heart and personal unity, etc. This kid has been in therapy 24/7 for the last year and is THE MOST insightful, well adjusted and caring human I actually know in person IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD! He is a practicing Buddhist and walks the walk.
Randy followed up with this text to my phone:
"I just want to be clear, if you have an issue talk to me not my wife. She has never forbidden me to go see Friss or talk to him. I am having my own issues. It was a very difficult time for me and I just had to protect the kids from everything. I am so afraid he'll disappoint them. I tried to have a talk with Ramone and I don't think I got the point across. It is not my wife's thing. He has a long way to gain my trust. But it is between me and him. I will see him and talk to him. But please respect my decisions. My wife doesn't deserve my guilt or baggage. You know what I am talking about. It is not the first thing I talk about when I meet someone. I have been by myself for so long and I think [wife name] and I can grow old together. I deserve to be with someone. But this is a serious strain. I know you have your own thing going on and I will always respect that. I know you are there for Friss. I just think you need to know what I am thinking."
I am done with him and the new wife. I am putting them out of my head.
I will do my best to never speak to either one of them again.
I know the boy will be fine....he has a level head and plenty of love from me and my family.
I suppose when the kids get married and have kids our paths will cross again. I will be gracious if I am forced to be around them.
"I have no idea what you are talking about. it sounds as if I told Randy he could not see your son, and that did not happen."
a) She says she didn't actually tell him....but doesn't say she isn't all for it though. I may be splitting hairs but this response doesn't rule out the idea that she is behind his actions.
b) I never mentioned actually visiting the boy......so she read that into it which Friss thought proved she is certainly not clueless.
Now Randy indicated to me that his wife's family was part of the problem so I wrote her back and told her that and suggested that she discuss it with Randy some more. I told her the boy was heartbroken and it is so very sad.
Here is the thing, Randy is a meek little man that I am 100% sure just takes orders from his wife. He is never going to stand up to her, it is not his style. He wants NO responsibility in life and has happily handed it over to her. I venture to say he is even afraid of her.
Also, he started all this shifty behavior towards the boy in the last year.....basically it started when he got married and moved in with the new wife. Our son has been incarcerated since December of 2001 and his father has always visited and been supportive. He even ran into the prosecuting attorney (many years ago) in a bar and gently told him off! Why the hell would he suddenly change now?
I was still angry and "lubricated" with wine so I couldn't help but also mentioned how Randy unfriended me on facebook because of her and that I was still miffed at why she has animosity towards me.
She responded:
"Bloom, you have been perfectly nice to me. I have never told Randy he could not talk to you or your son. I think you need to have a talk with Randy yourself if you want to clear this up."
I then told her that Randy point blank told me he unfriended me because she was angry that I comments on his posts and he was trying to keep the peace at home. She never responded. I went to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day Randy tried to call me. I really didn't feel like listening to him hem and haw some lame excuse so I didn't answer the phone.
I texted an apology and told him I would back off. Logically I know that it is really none of my damn business what he does. The kids are grown and he is remarried and I have no right to tell him what to do.
He kept calling back periodically throughout the day.
I finally picked up late in the afternoon........he wore me down. He started giving me his excuse and said how Friss lost his trust and owed him so much, how he is worried he will be a bad influence on Monster and Ramone etc. etc.
I just saw RED!! The boy has done NOTHING new in 14 years so where does the man come up with this shit now!?!?!?! Friss owes him? He is a bad influence? I can guarantee this is shit the new wife planted in his head. He obviously has NOT been talking to the boy and doesn't even know him anymore.
SOOOO.....because I can't stay calm when people are this FUCKING STUPID....I told him off big time about how Friss is a better person than he is and how we could all learn from him, and so on. Then I told him to fuck off and hung up on him. (I know...not the most mature thing to do.)
Just a few days ago I listened to Friss tell me how he forgives his father and will always have an open heart for him should he change his mind. He spoke of being one with the universe and how cutting people out only harms your own heart and personal unity, etc. This kid has been in therapy 24/7 for the last year and is THE MOST insightful, well adjusted and caring human I actually know in person IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD! He is a practicing Buddhist and walks the walk.
Randy followed up with this text to my phone:
"I just want to be clear, if you have an issue talk to me not my wife. She has never forbidden me to go see Friss or talk to him. I am having my own issues. It was a very difficult time for me and I just had to protect the kids from everything. I am so afraid he'll disappoint them. I tried to have a talk with Ramone and I don't think I got the point across. It is not my wife's thing. He has a long way to gain my trust. But it is between me and him. I will see him and talk to him. But please respect my decisions. My wife doesn't deserve my guilt or baggage. You know what I am talking about. It is not the first thing I talk about when I meet someone. I have been by myself for so long and I think [wife name] and I can grow old together. I deserve to be with someone. But this is a serious strain. I know you have your own thing going on and I will always respect that. I know you are there for Friss. I just think you need to know what I am thinking."
I am done with him and the new wife. I am putting them out of my head.
I will do my best to never speak to either one of them again.
I know the boy will be fine....he has a level head and plenty of love from me and my family.
I suppose when the kids get married and have kids our paths will cross again. I will be gracious if I am forced to be around them.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
2 glasses of wine and i can't help myself
Just messaged Randy's wife.....................
"Hey...I am OK with you wanting me out of Randy's life, but to expect him to push his own son out of his life is really shitty. I don't know how you can live with yourself knowing you are turning you back on Friss.
Randy is the only father he has ever known. He may not be his biological father but he is his legal father. He raised him. He coached his basketball team. He has always been there for him until now. To Friss Randy is his ONLY father just like he is to Malcolm or Zoe!
Have a heart and support Randy's relationship with his son!!!"
The thing that really kills me is these people are social workers. They are supposed to have a heart. WTF!?!?!
"Hey...I am OK with you wanting me out of Randy's life, but to expect him to push his own son out of his life is really shitty. I don't know how you can live with yourself knowing you are turning you back on Friss.
Randy is the only father he has ever known. He may not be his biological father but he is his legal father. He raised him. He coached his basketball team. He has always been there for him until now. To Friss Randy is his ONLY father just like he is to Malcolm or Zoe!
Have a heart and support Randy's relationship with his son!!!"
The thing that really kills me is these people are social workers. They are supposed to have a heart. WTF!?!?!
Humanity
Lately I am just so totally disappointed in life. Not my life....actually just people in my life, and the world in general.
It drags down my soul. I am just sad for humanity. Why do people have to be so shitty?
Monday I was chatting with Friss (he calls me every day) and he told me that the 10 year old boy in him keeps hoping his father will come visit and "be there" for him. He told me that that little boy is now trying to come to terms with the fact that he needs to give up and let it go and realize that he no longer has a father. It has been over a year since his father came to visit and he rarely answers his phone when Friss calls and if he does pick up he acts strange and awkward.
Anyone that knows me at all knows this is totally a hot button for me. Father's who turn there backs on their children suck on some level that I know just all too intimately.
I never told Friss what Ramone told me about their dad wanting them to stay away from each other when Friss comes home. It would crush him if he knew.
Yesterday I called their dad, his name is Randy, and told him that Friss was heartbroken and missed his daddy....the only father he has ever known. (we started dating when Friss was 4 years old and after we got married he adopted Friss so legally he is his father.)
On the phone with me, he hemmed and hawed and acted guilty. I told him I wasn't passing judgment, just letting him know he was breaking the boys heart. He told me to tell Friss to call him at work. I passed the message on this morning.
Friss called him today, they talked, it only made things worse. He called me and relayed to me how the conversation went.
This afternoon I talked to Monster and got some info from him about what Randy had said to him.
So basically this is it: Randy has decided (with the help of his new wife) that he is not only cutting me out of his life but also Friss and he wants Monster and Ramone to do the same. Monster flat out told him he would not deny his own brother (that's my boy!) no matter what his dad said.
I haven't discussed this all with Ramone but I will.
Randy is a social worker and I have ALWAYS claimed he is a good person....ALWAYS! but now....I am here to tell you that he is a piece of shit for writing off his own son so that his new wife is happy. He is a piece of shit for not having the balls to stand up to her and say "NO, he is my child and I won't turn my back on him!". How do people do this I will NEVER understand!!!!
Friss has been incarcerated for the past 15 years and Randy has always been good to him until the new wife came around; she changed everything. She wanted him to cut me out of his life, so he did. And now Friss too. I don't care about me....the ex-wife...that is fine.....they can shut me out, but why shut out the poor boy? The boy only knows Randy as his father! Randy coached his basketball team, Randy raised him with me. He lived with Randy after we got divorced. Randy never turned his back on that boy until the last few years.
It just breaks my heart!
It drags down my soul. I am just sad for humanity. Why do people have to be so shitty?
Monday I was chatting with Friss (he calls me every day) and he told me that the 10 year old boy in him keeps hoping his father will come visit and "be there" for him. He told me that that little boy is now trying to come to terms with the fact that he needs to give up and let it go and realize that he no longer has a father. It has been over a year since his father came to visit and he rarely answers his phone when Friss calls and if he does pick up he acts strange and awkward.
Anyone that knows me at all knows this is totally a hot button for me. Father's who turn there backs on their children suck on some level that I know just all too intimately.
I never told Friss what Ramone told me about their dad wanting them to stay away from each other when Friss comes home. It would crush him if he knew.
Yesterday I called their dad, his name is Randy, and told him that Friss was heartbroken and missed his daddy....the only father he has ever known. (we started dating when Friss was 4 years old and after we got married he adopted Friss so legally he is his father.)
On the phone with me, he hemmed and hawed and acted guilty. I told him I wasn't passing judgment, just letting him know he was breaking the boys heart. He told me to tell Friss to call him at work. I passed the message on this morning.
Friss called him today, they talked, it only made things worse. He called me and relayed to me how the conversation went.
This afternoon I talked to Monster and got some info from him about what Randy had said to him.
So basically this is it: Randy has decided (with the help of his new wife) that he is not only cutting me out of his life but also Friss and he wants Monster and Ramone to do the same. Monster flat out told him he would not deny his own brother (that's my boy!) no matter what his dad said.
I haven't discussed this all with Ramone but I will.
Randy is a social worker and I have ALWAYS claimed he is a good person....ALWAYS! but now....I am here to tell you that he is a piece of shit for writing off his own son so that his new wife is happy. He is a piece of shit for not having the balls to stand up to her and say "NO, he is my child and I won't turn my back on him!". How do people do this I will NEVER understand!!!!
Friss has been incarcerated for the past 15 years and Randy has always been good to him until the new wife came around; she changed everything. She wanted him to cut me out of his life, so he did. And now Friss too. I don't care about me....the ex-wife...that is fine.....they can shut me out, but why shut out the poor boy? The boy only knows Randy as his father! Randy coached his basketball team, Randy raised him with me. He lived with Randy after we got divorced. Randy never turned his back on that boy until the last few years.
It just breaks my heart!
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Emotional Manipulation
Beanie's father sent me this email:
The first comment is about her report card....I am proud too, she is doing GREAT in school. The second comment threw me into a panic.
I responded to his message wanting more details and this is what he said:
"I’m so
proud of her! J
I’m so
thankful that she seems to be surviving all this alright. Lately she has
been better at communicating her apprehensions and sadness…..which, I guess, is
a good thing….even if its hard to hear."
The first comment is about her report card....I am proud too, she is doing GREAT in school. The second comment threw me into a panic.
I responded to his message wanting more details and this is what he said:
"When she talks about how the divorce makes her sad and upsets
her."
She NEVER acts sad or upset when she is here. She never even brings up the divorce. She seems like a normal, happy 7 year old. Even Lauren (JDK's best friend and Beanies "aunt") said she was doing remarkably fine and not having issues. So what the hell is he talking about?
I begged him for details of what she said and he back peddled saying she was fine and doing well, etc.
Seriously I was physically ill thinking he is fucking with her emotions!
Naturally, I assume, that he is some how provoking these conversations. I mean he always tried to manipulate me and our conversations. He is an emotionally manipulative asshole!
I told him to stop manipulating her! Which of course really pissed him off. Because you know, he is the victim in all this and I am the outrageous and unreasonable one and he is just trying to please everyone....etc. etc.
So he went off on me....we had a nice email fight.
Thursday night I have Beanie and Friday was a day off school, so contrary to how I normally operate I brought up the divorce and asked her to discuss it. I felt I owed it to her to investigate what the hell he was up to.
She acted apprehensive at first but she told me that Daddy often tells her how sad he is and how much he misses me and how much he wishes we never got divorced. She said he tells her all the time about how all he did to the house was for me, to make me happy. Basically, as best I can tell, he is painting this picture for her of how he was "devoted" to me, loved me and tried to please me yet I left him and now he is crushed.
I told her, in my best "explaining to a child lingo" that I loved Daddy too but our relationship was always hard for me because he was not a good friend to me....that things were not fair. That he hurt my feelings and made me sad.
She asked me why I didn't sleep with him. I didn't understand at first, so she explained that before I moved out of the house I lived in the basement and that it made daddy sad. I told her that he asked me to move downstairs and that it wasn't against his will. She paused and said "do you think daddy would lie to me?". I told her yes. She paused for a moment and said she agreed.
I really do think she is trying to judge who is being real and who is lying.
I HATE that he started this. I hate that she has to think about this stuff. I wish he would just let it go.
Friday night she went back to his house. They obviously talked some more because he sent me shitty text massages about how I make him sick!
I told him that I only spoke the truth to her and that he started the dialog. I told him I DO NOT WANT HER IN THE MIDDLE!! I told him to never speak of me to her. He said "I only speak good of you which is obviously not what you do of me!"
I hate how he turns it all into me being the bad guy!
Why in the hell can he do this to her? What is wrong with people? Why play mind games with a 7 year old?!?!?!?
Seriously if he doesn't knock it off I will just try to limit his exposure to her....I will try to keep her away from him.
I am emotionally sick...this is NOT what I wanted her life to be like.
I know he is reacting to me moving in with Kevin by starting all this.
Why are people so shitty?
What should I do?
Friday, March 13, 2015
Hello!
Hello from the Blue House!!
Last Friday we closed on the Blue House and started the moving process. For the last 7 days we have been working our butts off to get everything out of my rental house and into our new BIG house. We hired a mover last Saturday to move the large things like my couch and dresser but have been moving all the smaller items on our own. The new house is only 3 miles from the old house so it has basically been a shuttling process.
We have also been moving things from Kevin's house as he needs them; things like tools and clothes. His son has already sort of "moved in" which is good and bad. Good because we want him to buy the house. Bad because he has 2 crazy dogs, a small child and wild friends and suddenly we are worried to have anything of value over there. You never know what will happen.
I already dropped about $250 at Target for new towels and stuff like that. I feel guilty since I don't have an income at the moment. Kevin is fine with it and glad I am making our house a home.
There may have another furniture purchase too.....more on that later.
This last week has been exhausting but things are in pretty good order now......I know where my underwear is!
We didn't get internet here at the new house until yesterday. We felt so isolated. It is crazy how much we depend on it these days.
Of course as soon as we got the internet up I sat down at my desk and JDK started a huge fight via email. It requires a blog post all it's own. I really want to share what happened and get your input.
Kevin doesn't know about this blog so I have to do all my posting when he is not paying attention AND he pays a lot of attention to me so it is going to be harder than it used to be. However, he likes to sleep in so I think I will be doing a lot of early morning typing in the dark from now on. Which is fine because I am mentally at my best first thing in the morning.
Last Friday we closed on the Blue House and started the moving process. For the last 7 days we have been working our butts off to get everything out of my rental house and into our new BIG house. We hired a mover last Saturday to move the large things like my couch and dresser but have been moving all the smaller items on our own. The new house is only 3 miles from the old house so it has basically been a shuttling process.
We have also been moving things from Kevin's house as he needs them; things like tools and clothes. His son has already sort of "moved in" which is good and bad. Good because we want him to buy the house. Bad because he has 2 crazy dogs, a small child and wild friends and suddenly we are worried to have anything of value over there. You never know what will happen.
I already dropped about $250 at Target for new towels and stuff like that. I feel guilty since I don't have an income at the moment. Kevin is fine with it and glad I am making our house a home.
There may have another furniture purchase too.....more on that later.
This last week has been exhausting but things are in pretty good order now......I know where my underwear is!
We didn't get internet here at the new house until yesterday. We felt so isolated. It is crazy how much we depend on it these days.
Of course as soon as we got the internet up I sat down at my desk and JDK started a huge fight via email. It requires a blog post all it's own. I really want to share what happened and get your input.
Kevin doesn't know about this blog so I have to do all my posting when he is not paying attention AND he pays a lot of attention to me so it is going to be harder than it used to be. However, he likes to sleep in so I think I will be doing a lot of early morning typing in the dark from now on. Which is fine because I am mentally at my best first thing in the morning.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Rocco
I just talked to Rocco. It was awkward. I could tell he really didn't want to talk to me at all.
I am looking for a job and he had an opening for an accountant. It has been 15 years now since we broke up so I thought just maybe we could put the past behind us. But no, it still seems to be there.
It's sad really......
At one point in my life this guy was my "soul mate" (his words not mine). Now he is "just somebody that I used to know"....no, he is an ex....an ex that is jaded because; well because I broke up with him because he was having an EA with his employee who he went on to marry some years later.
(really he owes me one!)
I worked with him for years before we dated and quite frankly we got along well in a business environment. He knows I am a hard working professional and he knows that I could do the job he has available.
He told me I am overqualified. (which is true but I don't want a difficult job....I want an easy job.)
A few years after we broke up he needed a cost accountant and I *gave* him mine. A hard working friend of mine named Mike, who deserved a great job. It was a win win for both of them and a bit of a sacrifice for me. I did it for them....because I care about other people and want people I care about to have good lives. I lost a dear friend (for the most part) because he left my employement and started working for Rocco where they became very close friends. (as I knew they would).
I has been 15 years. I thought maybe I could be an excellent worker bee and he could forget our past. That we could just be professional and all. I guess not.
Instead I had to call twice before he called me back. He acted off kilter and tried to be pleasant but I know him well enough to know he didn't want to engage with me in any way. He just did it because it was "the right thing to do"... because I called twice and he felt he had to call me back.
I am sure the right job will come along. I just wish people weren't so selfish and jaded. I think the whole world would be a better place.
I am looking for a job and he had an opening for an accountant. It has been 15 years now since we broke up so I thought just maybe we could put the past behind us. But no, it still seems to be there.
It's sad really......
At one point in my life this guy was my "soul mate" (his words not mine). Now he is "just somebody that I used to know"....no, he is an ex....an ex that is jaded because; well because I broke up with him because he was having an EA with his employee who he went on to marry some years later.
(really he owes me one!)
I worked with him for years before we dated and quite frankly we got along well in a business environment. He knows I am a hard working professional and he knows that I could do the job he has available.
He told me I am overqualified. (which is true but I don't want a difficult job....I want an easy job.)
A few years after we broke up he needed a cost accountant and I *gave* him mine. A hard working friend of mine named Mike, who deserved a great job. It was a win win for both of them and a bit of a sacrifice for me. I did it for them....because I care about other people and want people I care about to have good lives. I lost a dear friend (for the most part) because he left my employement and started working for Rocco where they became very close friends. (as I knew they would).
I has been 15 years. I thought maybe I could be an excellent worker bee and he could forget our past. That we could just be professional and all. I guess not.
Instead I had to call twice before he called me back. He acted off kilter and tried to be pleasant but I know him well enough to know he didn't want to engage with me in any way. He just did it because it was "the right thing to do"... because I called twice and he felt he had to call me back.
I am sure the right job will come along. I just wish people weren't so selfish and jaded. I think the whole world would be a better place.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Sunday Loss
This morning I was painting the living room at Kevin's house while he was at his parents house shoveling snow when the text came through that John has passed.
I stood alone in the front room and cried.
Then I got back to painting. I painted for hours.....crouched on the floor doing the baseboard in Benjamin Moore Dove White....the gold standard of white paint. I was heavy with sorrow and the work of painting drained every last drop of energy from my body.
Kevin returned around noon and I was running sooo low. He started to roll the walls and I did some cut-in painting. My back ached and I was feeling very crumbly.
Around 2 I left to go home and regroup before picking up my Beanie from her father at 3. Kevin hugged me and I fought back the tears. It was a flood gate wanting to open....all the pain in the world was weighing me down.
Back home I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. I cried a lot.....I was a mess. I finally put on some make up and went to get the girl. Her dad was cold and prickly. A feeling I knew all too well. It only added to my sadness but then again it reminded me of who he really is.
It was a long painful day.
Late at night in bed with my daughter asleep next to me I would watch the Downton Abbey season finally and cry a much needed bucket of tears. Kevin never said a word.....he just sat next to me reading his tablet. He probably didn't know what to say but he was still there if I needed him and I knew that.....and that is what it is all about. Being there for each other.
I stood alone in the front room and cried.
Then I got back to painting. I painted for hours.....crouched on the floor doing the baseboard in Benjamin Moore Dove White....the gold standard of white paint. I was heavy with sorrow and the work of painting drained every last drop of energy from my body.
Kevin returned around noon and I was running sooo low. He started to roll the walls and I did some cut-in painting. My back ached and I was feeling very crumbly.
Around 2 I left to go home and regroup before picking up my Beanie from her father at 3. Kevin hugged me and I fought back the tears. It was a flood gate wanting to open....all the pain in the world was weighing me down.
Back home I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. I cried a lot.....I was a mess. I finally put on some make up and went to get the girl. Her dad was cold and prickly. A feeling I knew all too well. It only added to my sadness but then again it reminded me of who he really is.
It was a long painful day.
Late at night in bed with my daughter asleep next to me I would watch the Downton Abbey season finally and cry a much needed bucket of tears. Kevin never said a word.....he just sat next to me reading his tablet. He probably didn't know what to say but he was still there if I needed him and I knew that.....and that is what it is all about. Being there for each other.
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